MSTed: Contra Cabal; Manos review Part 3/4
Joseph Nebus
[ INT SOL. GYPSY is sitting in front of a typewriter; MIKE, TOM and
CROW enter. ]
MIKE: Oh, hiya, Gypsy.
TOM: Hello there.
CROW: Hi. What're you up to?
GYPSY: Hrmph.
MIKE: C'mon, what is it?
GYPSY: If you *must* know, I am writing an email to tell the entire
universe about you and this exclusive little cabal you've set up
for yourselves.
CROW: What cabal?
TOM: [ Quietly, to MIKE ] But she's using a typewriter.
MIKE: [ Quietly, to TOM ] Hush.
GYPSY: Every time we get one of these experiments, the bunch of you go
off into the theater, never thinking that maybe someone else has
something to contribute.
MIKE: Oh. I'm sorry, Gypsy. I just thought if you wanted to join us in
the theater you'd say so.
CROW: Yeah. Do you want to go in there with us?
GYPSY: Well...no.
TOM: Uh, is there anything else we do that you want to do?
GYPSY: No.
CROW: How are we a cabal, then?
GYPSY: I guess you're right. Aw, heck, I love you guys.
MIKE: We love you too, Gyp--
CROW: Not so fast! Could we talk for a moment about the *real* cabal here?
MIKE: Which one's that?
CROW: You three. You went off, prancing about as pure energy or
whatever on the edge of the universe for five centuries, leaving me
all by myself here. How cabalistic can you get?
TOM: But you were there too.
MIKE: Yeah. You got bored and came back here because you wanted to.
CROW: [ After considering. ] Okay, I see your point. I love you--
MIKE: Now, for a real cabal--how about you three? You and your little
robot clique, with your little secrets, your exclusive bunching.
There. There's a cabal.
TOM: You want to be a robot, Mike?
GYPSY: Could we do that?
CROW: I'm sure we could think of something.
MIKE: No, I--I like being a human. Don't want to give it up.
TOM: So...we're not keeping you from doing anything you want.
MIKE: You're right. Guys, I love--
TOM: HOLD it. Hold on. Gypsy, you have this cabal of "people who go
into the theater" against you. Crow, you have this cabal of "people
who spent five centuries at the edge of the universe" against you.
Mike, you have this cabal of "robots" against you. What do I have?
MIKE: Um...
TOM: Exactly! You have this exclusive little cabal of people who have
cabals against you, and I can't participate!
GYPSY: Well, but then that's the cabal against you, Tom.
CROW: Yeah. Just like the rest of us.
TOM: Oh. Oh! Hey, yeah, that's true.
[ MIKE reaches his hands out for a group hug. ]
TOM: Aw, this is terrific, guys. I love--
[ MOVIE SIGN starts flashing ]
TOM: USENET SIGN! AAAAAAAAAUUUGGGGHHHHH!
[ 1.. 2.. 3.. 4.. 5.. 6.. ]
>Contra Cabal 6(2):
>Whitrack the Weasel
CROW: Saves Christmas.
>Survives the Censoring of Contra Cabal
TOM: But can't save the hat.
>
>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>
>Academic Cabalism
MIKE: That's where members of the tribe take the people working on their
senior theses and eat them, right?
>
>A preponderance of universities have introduced
CROW: Thousands of students to the dirty pictures on the Internet.
> an undemocratic, commercial
>economy that supports
MIKE: Without constraining.
> technocratic, group preferences.
TOM: Those darned undemocratic group preferences.
> This involves an
>emotional cabalism that causes disbelief in the existence of objective
>truth.
TOM: I think he means the cabalists were trying to make him believe
'First Contact' wasn't a daringly awful movie.
MIKE: Those cabalists are insane, then.
> It also calls for an ideology where all the facts fit
CROW: In a snug outfit for the 'big and tall' man.
> the notions put
>forward by an infallible group or cult leader.(1)
MIKE: Not Rick Berman?
> Consequently, Der
>Zeitgeist(2)
TOM: Will be performing in Albany's Knickerbocker Arena this Friday and
Saturday, then moving to the Schenactedy Concert Hall for a two-week
engagement. Get your tickets now.
> in the humanities and social sciences now supports a pejorative
>form of academic national centrism (as with ethnocentrism and
TOM: Arguments about whether to roll the toothpaste tube up or just
squeeze it in the middle.
> national
>socialism) or "cabalism."
ALL: DUN DUN DUNNNN!
> It has become so widespread that it affects every
>aspect of teaching and thinking in almost every academic pursuit.(3)
CROW: I just have this picture of professors and grad students with
giant butterfly nets, hoping to net a data point.
MIKE: That's not far off.
>
>Fascism, Communism, and Nazism,
TOM: The 20th Century's Greatest Bummers.
> exemplify national centrism. However,
>cabalism avoids the extremes of
MIKE: Great taste and being less filling
> right and left by adopting an apolitical,
>cultic ideology comprising a merit-less series of exclusionist group
>preferences and special interests.
TOM: Like turnip farmers.
> For the present purpose then, the terms
>"cabalism" and "cabalist" respectively describe academic national centrism
>and its adherents.
CROW: Krazy Glue?
> Academic cabals exist as cults, or cloning mechanisms,
TOM: Attack Of The Tenure Snatchers!
>that resemble religious groups that have no theology.
CROW: So...they resemble *bad* religious groups.
> Moreover, they develop
>an exclusionist cultural bias determined by preferred group interests
>through coercive persuasion and power brokerage.
>
MIKE: Yeah, I remember my Freshman Comp TA was just drunken with the
trappings of power.
>
>Essentially, Cabalism serves the social function of encouraging
TOM: Cabals.
> cohesion and
>solidarity among group members.
MIKE: See here my chart of evil softball games they have conducted.
> It contributes to attitudes of superiority,
>intolerance, also contempt for
CROW: "The Wizard Of Id."
MIKE: But that's a good thing, Crow.
> groups with different customs and lifestyles.
MIKE: When The Parti Quebecois Moved On Campus.
>
>Cabalism permeates the academic life in ways that probably exceed anything
>experienced previously by intellectuals.
CROW: Even the sequel to "Dumb and Dumber."
> Consequently, it does not conform
>to anything that a democratically-minded public could comprehend.(4)
MIKE: It just has sour cream on it! It is *not* 'Supreme'!
> Today,
>this threat to intellectual liberty comes from academicians, the apologists
>of totalitarianism.
CROW: Aw, they just saw Darth Vader's side of things is all.
> The attack upon intellectual liberty comes from
>university administrators and technocrats.
MIKE: This is just a rant about Microsoft and Paramount cracking down
on Trek fan web pages, isn't it?
> Both groups negatively influence
>the survival of academic freedom through the practice of cabalism.
TOM: So they'll just have to stay late until they get cabalism down
*right*!
>
>Neo-Collegiality
>
>Handpicked and cloned cabalists,
CROW: We're being invaded by pea plants?
> generally coerce faculty members and
>students mutually to identify with a single ideology.
TOM: Tiny Toons or Animaniacs? Choose now!
MIKE: Have to be Tiny Toons. Minerva is just so annoying.
CROW: But Animaniacs does have Slappy Squirrel on their side.
MIKE: Ooh, right, I forgot about her...
> Consequently, they
>have formed units that place them beyond good or evil.
CROW: They are placed in Western Kentucky University.
> This
>"neo-collegiality" or politically correct dogma differs from the
>traditional collegiality
TOM: In that it doesn't make me any easy money.
> that consisted of academic pride, honesty,
>trust, and responsibility:
MIKE: Like we saw in the documentary film "Animal House."
> positive academic attributes that insured
>the accumulation of knowledge and the search for truth that have now
>largely disappeared.
>
>Instead, a disorganized and unethical scramble for power and material gain,
>prevails.
MIKE: But the football team's just in a rebuilding year is all.
> Collegiality once meant devotion to a particular way of life with
>no wish to force it upon others.
CROW: Now it's about deciphering the lyrics to all the songs of "The
Banana Splits."
> However, neo-collegiality consists of an
>absolute desire for power.
TOM: Unfortunately, they sought this power from the liberal arts
departments.
> Accordingly, academic cabalists try to secure
>more power and prestige.
MIKE: Just like everyone else in the world.
> They do not necessarily always want power for
>themselves, but for the
CROW: Respect they inaccurately belive the cleaning people will then
show them.
> group into which they have sunk their own
>individuality. They think solely about
TOM: Those pesky rules against faculty/student dating.
> competitive prestige and posture
>either positively or negatively.
MIKE: I don't know about you guys, but I've never met anyone who
wanted to 'posture negatively.'
CROW: I'm not sure you can do that.
> Then, they randomly praise or humiliate
>outsiders to achieve their chaotic objectives of victory or defeat.
TOM: And then in *eighth* grade it gets worse.
>
>Corruption of aesthetic judgment occurs
MIKE: When you look back and realize that Thundarr the Barbarian was
a really bad Star Wars ripoff.
> in much the same way that political
>judgment(5) becomes corrupted by nihilism.
CROW: If he talks about voting for Ralph Nader, I'm leaving.
> Academic cabalists reject all
>distinctions in moral or religious value
TOM: In favor of reviewing the episodes of "Road Rovers."
> and willingly reject all previous
>theories of morality in favor of group preference. They believe that the
>destruction of existing academic and political structures will
TOM: Ensure their unemployment.
> help to
>obtain absolute control for their own particular group.
CROW: They don't believe in power, so they want power?
>
>Political Correctness and Coercive Persuasion
TOM: Ah, now we find the point of all this.
MIKE: It's not "political correctness" to have handicapped parking spaces
in the good spots, I'm sorry.
>
>Cabalists do not think, talk, or write
CROW: So they're pretty easy to ignore, actually.
> about anything except the superiority
>of their own power group and their group inclinations.
TOM: Instead, they ought to be writing about *ME*!
> Their topics have
>become so imbued with political correctness and prestige that they defy
>rational thinking.
MIKE: Rational thinking keeps writing them tickets.
CROW: They keep throwing them away, but it'll catch up with them.
> They involve themselves in atrocious behavior and
>academic fraud. Furthermore, they retain a remarkable ability to
CROW: Spit over three feet.
> ignore and
>cover up the illegal actions of other members of their group. The proponents
>of this ideology
TOM: Come complete with their special Fun Time Wardobe Kits.
> can survive ignorance because their devoted followers do
>not expect the rational appraisal of facts that results from critical
>thinking. Instead, they rely upon
TOM: MSNBC's "Imus In The Morning" simulcast.
> the stimulation of group affinity and
>avoid the vexation of thought. They have no neutral areas in their minds and
CROW: No storage space in their hall closets.
>no other interests except the struggle for group power and
>self-aggrandizement.(6)
>
>With cabalism the sense of right and wrong, good and evil,
CROW: Day and night.
MIKE: Light and dark
TOM: Coke and Pepsi.
CROW: Conan and Letterman.
TOM: 86 and 99.
MIKE: Velma and Daphne.
> disappears. The
>cabalists condone absolutely any crime that
TOM: Would be cool to hear about on TV.
> suits their purpose and have no
>compunction in involving themselves in
CROW: Games of Monopoly not played strictly by the official published rules.
> criminal cover-ups. They can even
>admit, in an intellectual sense, that their actions go beyond the bounds of
>morality and legality but they still allow the ideology to rule them. Their
>political silence insures that
TOM: They don't have much to do with anything.
> loyalty to the cause transcends criminal
>activity and due process of law. In the cabal, power corrupts and the
CROW: Lack of power causes their yogurt to grow moldy.
>
>absolute power of its leaders corrupts absolutely.(7)
>
>The Rensselaer(8) Cabal
>
>Academic hogwash(9)
TOM: Is that how they clean up an agricultural college?
> shows no bounds when individuals come under the
>influence of group coercion. Only politically correct intellectuals could
MIKE: Make this fine hand-crafted vase.
>believe some historical revisions that abound. For example, Orwell reported
>that revisionism caused people to think that
TOM: There is a detectable difference between Adam Sandler movies.
> "during the second world war
>American troops arrived in Europe not to fight Germans but to crush an
>English revolution"
CROW: And only 280 years after the fact.
> also "the Holocaust never existed."(10) Fortunately,
>Hitler disappeared as do most despots,
MIKE: You can make even the most stubborn despots come out with new
Geopolitical Strength Tide Ultra Clean.
> however, only at the expense of
>strengthening all sorts of petty fuhrers like Rensselaer's Judd(11) and
>Whitburn.(12)(13)
TOM: Well, okay, they're not so much petty fuhrers as they are an a
capella band, but the principle applies, doesn't it?
>
>Nemesis has lived through eleven years of dysfunctional loyalty and
MIKE: Three years of The Golf Channel.
> criminal
>behavior by Rensselaer Cabalists: ironically sanguine behavior that requires
>loyalty to the group and
CROW: The purchase of at least three CDs at regular prices.
> transcends any common decency. Rensselaer
>Cabalists, like the animals in Orwell's farm led by a dysfunctional pig,
MIKE: Will be appearing on next week's "Geraldo."
>show many similar traits. However, they differ because
TOM: They're not dysfunctional pigs. Duh.
> they have an
>equivocating weasel and a
MIKE: Spellsinging human, set out with Clothahump the wizard, to save the
world from the perils of the Perambulator.
> perfidious antisemitic Semite(14) as their
>leaders. History has ceased to exist for the Rensselaer Cabalists because
TOM: There was this time-warp thing caused by the vicious Q.
>their power hunger leads them in pursuit of subjective truth. They believe
>that truth emanates from Whitburn's weasel words(15) and his unending stream
>of
TOM: Toothpaste.
> mumbo jumbo.(16) Consequently, they pose a powerful challenge to the
CROW: Superfriends, but justice shall prevail!
>impersonal forces of rationalism.
>
>Like Dostoyevsky's cynical underground man,(17)
MIKE: We just read the Cliff Notes too.
> the Rensselaer cabalists
>rail against rational thinking and alienate themselves from their
TOM: Season ticket holders.
>surroundings and colleagues while they fulminate against cultures organized
>by rational means. They accept that two and two make five when
TOM: Should we?
CROW: I don't know...
MIKE: Let's. Life is short.
CROW: Okay then.
TOM: All right! Ready?
ALL: You're on a Pentium!
TOM, CROW: Wah-wah-waaaaaaaaah.
MIKE: Wokka wokka!
> the Weasel
>says so.(18) Nemesis remembers when a whole PhD class met privately to
>discuss the hour of baffling rhetoric that they had suffered from the
CROW: Software License Agreement on SimCity 2000.
>Weasel. He had given garbled instructions for a midterm examination that
>nobody could possibly understand.
TOM: Oh, great, it's that mumbling guy from Saturday Night Live.
> The students reached a consensus: "we will
>throw mud at the wall and see how much sticks." They
MIKE: Failed their exam and were forced by campus maintenance to clean
off the wall. They wondered what the heck they were thinking.
> later threw their mud
>and passed the examination with 'A' grades. They scammed the scammer despite
>the academic fraud and lack of ethics implied by their action. However,
TOM: The action caused them to transform into armadillos.
> one
>should not expect an ethical stance by students when they have corrupt
>professors.
>
>To any rational person,
TOM: There is no actual need for both "The Lockhorns" and "Andy Capp."
> let alone a rational intellectual, the Weasel's
>convoluted reasoning and intransigence certainly
CROW: Strengthens up a weak soup.
> likens that of the
>underground man. His moral turpitude
TOM: Isn't that what you use to remove paint?
MIKE: Only corrupt paint.
> precludes any of the values normally
>expected of a department chair in a prestigious university. The Rensselaer
>experience shows that absolute loyalty to any group
MIKE: Is not worth what The Official Star Trek Club charges for it.
> has a devastating effect
>upon the individual view of reality that
TOM: Happens whenever you look at a TV set that's across the room and
bite down really hard.
> intellectuals need to embody in
>their work. Consequently, cabalism, with its group loyalty,
CROW: Makes it possible to get an easy A in a course.
> endangers the
>creative impulse and results in falsification and eventual loss of inventive
>faculties.(19)
MIKE: Victims turn to drugs...street gangs...writing fanfics.
>
>Rensselaer/LL&C Cabalists control their graduate students by
CROW: The insruments of pleasure...and torture...
> criteria that
>insure failure for those students unwilling to accept a sycophantic cloning
>process. This policy insures very few new PhDs enter the job market
ALL: [ Snicker ]
> to
>threaten insecure and incompetent faculty members. Whitburn has devised a
>program that requires four courses,
ALL: NO!
CROW: Courses?
TOM: In a degree program?
MIKE: FOUR WHOLE COURSES?
> each taught and controlled by a tenured
CROW: Tenured faculty teaching classes?
TOM: STOP THE MADNESS!
>
>Cabalist. These mainly unpublished individuals then go on to present totally
>unprepared orations to classes.
MIKE: Before class, of course, they hide out underneath their desk
playing with sock puppets; and during office hours, they made
undergraduates test innovative new square dance techniques on
the Architecture students.
> The content has virtually no bearing on the
>course descriptions.
TOM: Well, the course was described as "Advanced Stuff," I guess there's
some flexibility in the syllabus.
> Some Cabalists attend classes drunk and
CROW: Students place bets on how long it will take the instructor to
fall down.
> others promote
>discussion on anything
TOM: NO! Not discussion! In *class*?
> and everything to avoid preparation. Several do not
>show up for class at all.
MIKE: Not that any student has ever complained about this.
> Grading exists as a frivolous, inconsistent,
>subjective, and malicious process.
TOM: But remember, it is grad school we're talking about here, not
anything that matters.
> A graduate student from another college
>with some legal training tape recorded Whitburn's course summation. He had
CROW: Just completed his taping when he was arrested under the laws
regarding undercover surveillance.
>become incensed after paying tuition (1995-96: $1,620 for this three credit
>course) then listening to sixteen weeks of
MIKE: Blonde jokes.
> inane mumbo jumbo. He felt that
MIKE: He was a natural blonde and would know if the jokes were true.
>he had a potential course of legal action because of the fraudulent
>description of the course, the manipulation of grades,
CROW: The time the professor made him wash his cat.
> and subsequent
>forgery to cover up those activities.
MIKE: We're headed towards a Hillary Clinton rant, aren't we?
> Nemesis attended the session when the
>student made the recording and later
TOM: Gave the student a 'swirlie' and stole all his lunch money.
> obtained a copy of the tape and
>transcribed it verbatim.
MIKE: Is it live...or is it Nemesis?
CROW: And who cares?
> (Readers may obtain a copy of this transcript by
TOM: Bowing down before me, foolish mortal.
>sending an email message to <tru...@nwlink.com> with the subject line
>[cc-archive.whitburn]).
CROW: And if you don't, we'll sprinkle needles on your bed.
MIKE: Time for a break?
TOM: Yeah.
[ 6.. 5.. 4.. 3.. 2.. 1.. ]
[ INT SOL. CROW is dressed in academic cap and gown, in front of the table;
notes are on the table, behind him. TOM, MIKE, and GYPSY are sitting,
listening. ]
CROW: ...and welcome to the first class here at Satellite University.
We will be developing our course by discussions and frequent essays
on the reading material, which we are of course drawing from
Shakespeare, Johnson, Marlowe, Jones, Avery,
[ MIKE raises his hand ]
CROW: and of course Ward...uhm...yes?
MIKE: Will this be on the exam?
CROW: The course of material I'm outlining will; but not this
specifically.
TOM: Uhm...
CROW: Yes?
TOM: Is attendance mandatory?
CROW: I don't expect to have to require it. You are strongly
self-motivated people or you'd not be here; hence, I expect you
have enough personal discipline to bring something out of each
class you do attend.
TOM: Thanks.
[ TOM ducks out. ]
CROW: Hrm. Well. To continue: I sent word for everyone to read and
prepare essays on several pieces. Has everyone brought theirs?
GYPSY: I don't have arms.
MIKE: I forgot to print mine out, sorry.
CROW: All right. Well. Do you have any observations or questions to
put to the class?
GYPSY: Uhm...I have band practice. Sorry.
[ GYPSY slips out. ]
CROW: All right. Well.
[ Beat. ]
CROW: Do you have any comments about what you read?
MIKE: Nope.
[ Beat. ]
CROW: Any...questions, observations, anything?
MIKE: No.
[ Beat. ]
CROW: Is there anything you would like to discuss?
MIKE: Oh, no, nothing.
CROW: Well. Something to consider...
[ CROW turns around to look at his notes; MIKE sneaks out while CROW
is not looking. CROW turns back. ]
CROW: You might find... Hey! Now *that* is just disrespectful! I
am...speechless.
[ After a beat, TOM, MIKE, and GYPSY come back into scene and stand next
to CROW. ]
TOM: This has been a reminder. Academia can be a powerful force for
good; or it can be used for evil. Please make certain you know
the difference.
[ COMMERCIAL SIGN signals. ]
MIKE: Thank you for watching our playlet. We'll be right back.
[ BREAK ]