MSTied: STEPHEN RATLIFF'S "The 7th Fleet." (Marrissa fic!) [(6/6)]

[Tv's Weretorgo]

>
> Epilogue
>
> Admiral Victor Griest had just summoned Lieutenant Commander Marrissa
> Picard. The Stargazer had been towed in to dry-dock earlier in that day.
> Captain T'Gwen Washington was being transported to Vulcan to recover from
> her injures.

CROW: Ratliff never really explored the possibilities of that whole issue.

> The Stargazer would take three to six weeks before it was
> ready to return to service.

JOEL: Gee, it's a good thing it wasn't *totally* scrapped... it might take an extra *week* to
fix!

> Those weren't the only reasons Griest was
> calling in the first officer of the Stargazer. Moral was the lowest it had
> been since Wolf 359.

CROW: So they thought they use Marrissa to make it even lower.
SERVO: The only way she's going to raise moral is if she's publically executed.

> Marrissa had public relations experience as a
> Princess.

CROW: "She can wear a tiara like you wouldn't believe!"

> After her work with the Seventh Fleet, no one was going to call
> her anything less than a hero. Star Fleet needed a hero.

JOEL: What we need is a few, good, heros.

> Marrissa entered the room dressed in a neat uniform. Her hair was pulled
> back with a Star Fleet approved gold barrette.

CROW: If I had joined Star Fleet, completed the grueling coursework at Star Fleet
academy, and prepared myself to explore the vast unknown expanses of the galaxy, I'd be
just *thrilled* to be assigned to the barrette-approving department.

> It was a marked contrast to
> the tired teenager who commanded the Stargazer as it was towed into dock.

SERVO: Looks like Stephen's taken to author-insertation.

> She stood at attention in front of Griest's desk. "Lieutenant Commander
> Marrissa Amber Picard reporting as ordered, sir."
> "Commander Picard, are you aware of Star Fleet's opinion of your
> adventures in the Seventh Fleet," the Admiral asked.

JOEL: [as Marrissa] Yes, sir. 4% are impressed but frightened, 3% were rooting for the
Jem'Hadar, 8% joined the Maqui, and 85% requested a transfer to the Delta quadrant,
effective immediately.

> "I just wanted to survive," Marrissa said. "If Star Fleet thinks I
> deserve to be reprimanded for my actions, I am willing to be punished.

CROW: [as Marrissa, seductively] *More* than willing. I brought my own horsewhip.

> I
> should have been able to save all of the ships."
> "Commander Picard, we don't want to punish you for your actions," the
> Admiral said. "In fact, Star Fleet has decided to award you the Medal of
> Honor."

SERVO: That does it. Joel, Crow, I'm going to go off and have a brief episode.

[SERVO exits left. Screams, taunts, bellows, whoops, and the like are heard.]

> "I don't deserve it, sir," Marrissa said.

JOEL: Just what *does* Marrissa deserve? Let's ask our studio audience.
CROW: I think she deserves to be bound, gagged, lightly beaten, then tossed into the brig
and sent into the Gamma quadrant in a ship with just impulse power, a pet targ, and
Wesley Crusher for company.
JOEL: No, the PETA folks would protest, and rightly so, that such a fate is too cruel for
the poor targ. I'd like to see her tortured by one of those Cardassian pain implants, then
forced to be the sidekick on the new, revived "Magic Johnson" talk show.

[SERVO returns from offscreen]

SERVO: You're both going too easy on her. I'd put her in charge of the customer
complaints department at AOL.
JOEL: And when it's all done, she deserves to have Counselor Troi ask, "How do you
feel about that?"

> "Nonsense, you saved the remnants of the Seventh Fleet," the Admiral said.
> "You are a hero."

CROW: [as Griest] In fact, lets just stop wasting time and elect you President!

> "No, I'm not sir," Marrissa said, defiant and sadly. "A hero would have
> saved them all. A hero would have come up with some magical solution, not
> some old pirate trick she read about in Captain Pike's logs. A hero's
> solution wouldn't have destroyed two stars."
> "A hero's worse critic is himself," Admiral Griest said.

CROW: So then who do critics have for heroes?
SERVO: Leonard Maltin: Roger Corman. Siskel: the guy who invented Rogaine. Ebert: the guy who
invented cheesecake.

> "Marrissa, you
> are a brilliant young officer, who has shown signs of becoming an excellent
> Captain some day.

SERVO: [as Griest] By which I mean tomorrow.

> You are also a teenager, going though the insecurities
> and doubt of any young lady. I know, I have one myself.

CROW: [as Griest] An Orion slave girl. I keep her chained in the basement.

> You have to learn
> to stop second guessing you past actions. Everyone has twenty-twenty
> hindsight, Marrissa. Don't let it get you down. If you want to look back
> at what you did, try to do it without emotionally involving yourself too
> much. Both pride and contrite behavior can be a good officer's undoing if
> overdone."

CROW: This scene sounds strangely Japanese.

> "Understood sir," Marrissa said stiffly.

SERVO: Ooops, looks like she had her mind on her pink panties again.

>
> Rear Admiral Jean-Luc Picard once again found Clara in the aft observation
> lounge. She was still dressed in the scarlet evening gown she had worn to
> Marrissa's award presentation. The silver tiara still held back her long
> dark hair.

JOEL: Even in the 24th century, no one can quite figure out "business-casual."

> "What brings you here tonight, Clara?" the Admiral asked.
> "Post Social Event Euphoria," Clara replied.

CROW: Don't you mean "Post Traumatic Stress Disorder?"

> "I come back from them one
> of two ways,

SERVO: Drunk or unconscious.

> extremely tired or unable to get to calm down enough to do
> anything."

CROW: [as Clara] Though recently, I've found myself ending up in this crummy dump sputtering
nonsense like I am now more and more often.

> "It was strange to see Marrissa in a dress uniform," Picard said. "I'm so
> use to her dresses at these types of events."
> "You know, five years ago you wouldn't have seen her in a dress," Clara said.
> "Oh?" Picard said.

CROW: [as Clara] Yeah, but *Jay,* on the other hand...

> "Yeah, she swore off dresses when she was nine after a embarrassing
> gravity failure," Clara said. "Jay still brings up her pink panties every
> once in a while to poke some fun at her."

CROW: Ugh. I am *not* touching that!
SERVO: ICK!
JOEL: I need a bath.

> "That explains Jay's comment at the Coronation Ball," Picard said.

SERVO: [as Picard, "adlibbing"] Because remember that he said that thing there?

> "It's not as effective as it use to be," Clara said. "Especially since
> Marrissa found a good comeback line."

JOEL: The immortal, "I know you are... but what am I?"

> "I noticed that Jay looked uncomfortable tonight," Picard noted.

CROW: [as Clara] It was *his* turn to wear the pink panties.

> "He's been having to run shotgun on Hurricane Marrissa," Clara said.

SERVO: Is that some kind of really freaky euphemism?

> "Apparently he kept Marrissa from going out in her personal fighter to chat
> with the other Captains of the fleet. He's expecting Marrissa to get back
> at him somehow. I happen to know that she doesn't plan on it. In fact she
> has a lot more respect for Jay now that he's finally stood up to her."

JOEL: [as Clara] In fact, he's going to lead a perfectly safe life. In fact, nothing will *ever*
happen to him, honestly, in fact.

> "A good first officer must be willing to stand up to their Captain,"
> Picard commented. "It's one of the first things I test when I get a new one."

CROW: [as Picard] I like my first officers pugnacious, argumentative, and insubordinate.

> "I've been first officer for both Marrissa and Data," Clara said. "I
> think I did okay, but I'm not so sure I'd have held for the long term like
> Captain Riker."

SERVO: [as Clara] Especially when I saw that requirement where I'd have to grow a beard
and gain weight.

> "It's a position that you grow into," Picard said. "New first officers
> tend to be timid and very rarely stand up for their beliefs, of course I
> don't think Marrissa will ever be like that. Not any more. She, like less
> experienced but not new first officers, has developed quite a bit of
> boldness. Marrissa isn't the timid little girl I adopted anymore."

SERVO: [as Clara] That's because you actually adopted *Jackie.* Marrissa was
thrown through your window late at night.

> "That's what you get for giving a girl her dream," Clara said.

SERVO: So that's the stuff dreams are made of? Nuking solar systems and blasting the
enemy fleet, not to mention one of your own ships, into their component atoms?
JOEL: Well, I think that *is* how Shakespeare put it.

> She
> yawned. "I better get to sleep, I'm in charge during Alpha shift tomorrow,
> and Commander La Forge prefers the duty Chief to be early."
> "Good night Clara," Picard said as the young Assistant Chief Engineer

CROW: Just in case you still wondering what her rank is...

> left
> the room. He turned toward the windows, looking out at the dock and the
> damaged USS Stargazer.

SERVO: [as repair man] Okay, now take that big roll of duct tape and wrap it around the hull
breaches. Wally, get the glue gun out for the new nacelle.

>
> Aboard the Stargazer, Marrissa pulled her curtains shut, cutting off the
> view of the dock and her father's ship. She climbed into bed and fell
> asleep to the faint sounds of shipboard life.

CROW: Like "weeoo, weeoo," that humming noise, and "AAUUUGGH! IT'S EATING
MY FACE!"

>
> The End.

JOEL: And another Ratliff fanfic draws to an illogical, inept, pointless close.
SERVO: I'm drained.
JOEL: Come on, let's go.

[JOEL picks SERVO up and leaves.]

[1...2...3...4...5...6... SOL]

[JOEL, CROW, and SERVO are sitting behind the desk.]

JOEL: [in the middle of a sentence] No, Servo, I disagree. I think Marrissa would kill her
within, ooh, five minutes.
CROW: But what would her motivation be, Joel? Why would she do such a thing?
JOEL: Well, *duh...* Marrissa sees a queen, right?
BOTS: Yeah...
JOEL: Now, tell me, what is Marrissa's instinctive reaction to anyone holding a seat of power?
CROW: Umm, death, dismemberment, and removal from said seat?
JOEL: Of course!
SERVO: But would she not *ever* take into consideration any personal resemblance or likeness of
the said power-holder?
JOEL: [after a seconds' thought] Nope.
CROW: Hmm...
SERVO: I don't care. I still disagree.
JOEL: I'll prove it.

[CROW and SERVO look startled]

CROW: [shocked] You don't mean...
JOEL: It's the only was to find out for sure. [smacks red button] Come in, sirs.

[DEEP 13]

[DR. F is onscreen]

DR. F: Yes, oh Big Bowl of Joel?

[SOL]

JOEL: Heh, real cute. Listen. Can you... [whispers something]

[DEEP 13]

DR. F: [amazed] You're crazy! Do you want to go MAD!?

[SOL]

JOEL: Well, isn't that the point of these movies and fanfics?

[DEEP 13]

DR. F: Well, yes, but... THIS?

[SOL]

JOEL: Just do it.

[DEEP 13]

DR. F: Well... if you insist... [pushes button on control panel.]

[SOL]

[Poof of smoke, and a throne appears. Clunk of DR. F hitting another button, and a short, fat,
ugly redhaired woman is plopped on the throne. Another clunk, and a distant, offscreen door
opens]

JOEL: [to BOTS] Now, just watch, as Marrissa views the Queen.

[Marrissa enters. She's a rather un-pretty young girl, very brattish.]

MARRISSA: [whiny] Hey, why the heck am I here? Man, MTV was just about to play that Spice Girls
video... [to JOEL] Do you at least have any Strawberry--
CROW: [annoyed] No. Shut up.
MARRISSA: [whiny] BUT I DON'T *WANNA!* Man... [to JOEL] Do you at least have some salad
cream... [trails off, sees throne.]
JOEL: [to BOTS] Just watch.
MARRISSA: [to Queen] Heyy... you're on a throne.
QUEEN: [in a very deliberate, annoying, raspy voice] Rule number one. When in my kingdom you
shall hereby regard me as your *god.*
MARRISSA: [edgy] I don't think you want to say this...
QUEEN: You are *interrupting* my flow of power.

[for a second, MARRISSA is taken aback. Then, she slowly begins to smile]

MARRISSA: Mother!
QUEEN: [taken aback at first] What the...? oh my god... DAUGHTER!

[they embrace]

QUEEN: I knew the babies were switched, I knew it!
MARRISSA: That's what comes when you go to a Virginia hospital, mom.

[sinister, dramatic, yet heavenly music [basically, that means with a chorus] begins to play]

QUEEN: Now that I am reunited with my daughter...
MARRISSA: ...And I with my mom...
BOTH: Nobody shall undermine *our* power!

JOEL: My god! They've taken to one another! This can't be happening!
SERVO: Oh, but it is!

QUEEN: Now, daughter, we shall show those Trekkies a thing, or two, about CONTROL. First off.
Do you know of a fellow named Jay?
MARRISSA: Oh, yes mom.
QUEEN: From now on he shall be my personal man-slave, eager to service all of my individual
needs.
MARRISSA: But of course mom!

[music steadily grows louder]

QUEEN: We shall never be killed!
MARRISSA: Of course, mom! I'll give you access to the DNA labs of the Enterprise!

JOEL: Oh my GOD, she's messing with the hands of fate!

[music growing louder]

QUEEN: [almost shouting] We shall be forever present!
MARRISSA: And forever ruling!
BOTH: NOBODY... SHALL... OVERWHELM US!

[music almost deafening]

CROW: Joel, quick, DO something!
JOEL: I'm trying to think!

QUEEN: I love you, my daughter!
MARRISSA: I love you, mother!

[sudden explosion, as the music hits a cresando]

[smoke clears. Joel and the Bots are covered in a "canned-string"-like substance]

JOEL: [coughing] The sheer *pompousness* overwhelmed them!
SERVO: We're safe.
CROW: They hampered with the sod lo-mein.

[DEEP 13]

DR. F: [happily] Looks like we've learned a lesson.

[SOL]

JOEL: You bet we have. Never, ever, try to inflict pain on one's self! It's better to let one's
evil oppressers do the pain-inflicting.

[DEEP 13]

DR. F: You're learning. [smiles, then pushes the button]

\ | /
\ | /
\|/
---O--- Fwshhhh!
/|\
/ | \
/ | \

CAST:

Joel Hodgson ----------------- Joel Robinson
Kevin Murphy ----------------- voice of Tom Servo
Trace Beaulieu --------------- voice of Crow T. Robot

Frank Conliff ---------------- Tv's Frank
Trace Beaulieu --------------- Doctor Forrester

CREW:

Editor ----------------------- WereTorgo (BG)
Writers ---------------------- Karen Kallestad
---------------------- Tom Currie
---------------------- Petera Mitchell
---------------------- Tv's Francis
---------------------- Brian Dubic
---------------------- Satya
---------------------- Jim Whaley
and
---------------------- Glazed McGuffin Man (Steven Bateman)

Additional Riffs ------------- WereTorgo

Hosts ------------------------ WereTorgo and Karen Kallestad

Proofer ---------------------- WereTorgo

"Seventh Fleet" written by --- Stephen Ratliff

SPECIAL THANKS:
ChrisScottJoeyJessCharlottePushkinPinky&PinkyGabeandJudd

Best Brains is the owner of Mystery Science Theater 3000, the characters, and
the actors portraying said characters. (Assuming that Paul didn't sell his soul
to Pearl.) Used with undying respect.

> "Yeah, she swore off dresses when she was nine after a embarrassing
> gravity failure," Clara said. "Jay still brings up her pink panties every
> once in a while to poke some fun at her."

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