MiSTed - "New Open Debate Foundation"/"WHO IS AGENT ACTION" (1/2)
Bill Livingston
[SATELLITE OF LOVE - Mike is at the console wearing his Robin outfit from
"Zombie Nightmare". Crow is dressed in his Secret Service get up - uh, also
from "ZN". Gypsy is behind them.)
MIKE: Did he say what he had in mind?
CROW: Nope. Clammed up tighter than pantyhose on a vi-
MIKE: [Hastily] Oh, hi! (aside) Crow, ix-nay! (to us) Mike Nelson here on
the Satellite of Love. Our own Tom Servo's asked us to dress in
these ridiculous costumes again - heaven knows why.
CROW: [Sniffing] Geez, Nelson, you smell like mothballs! Don't you ever do
any laundry?!?
MIKE: Look, I thought this was strictly a use-once costume, and -
GYPSY: [sighs]
MIKE: Gyps, you sure you're okay?
[Gypsy opens her mouth to reveal a set of vicious-looking pointed choppers.
Instead of her usual voice, all we get is a vague roaring sound]
SERVO: [offstage] I'm coming, guys!
MIKE: This'd better be good.
[Tom enters. He has a greasy looking swatch of hair plastered over half his
dome and a Chaplin's-Moustache-esque goatee painted below his mouth]
CROW: Okay, Sparky, give with the details.
MIKE: Yeah, what's this all about?
GYPSY [roar]
TOM: Simple, guys, we're giving a salute [drum roll, cymbal] to the summer
films of 1997!!
MIKE & CROW: Huh?
TOM: Yes, a salute [drum roll, cymbal] to the summer films of 1997!! You,
Nelson, are a living tribute to Chris O'Donnell, who gives such
wonderful life to his portrayal of Robin in "Batman & Robin"!
Crow, you represent the thrilling yet humorous look at alien
paranoia shown in "Men in Black"! And Gypsy - who else but you,
Gypsy, could bring to such shocking life the T-Rex so dominating
Spielberg's Jurassic Sequel, "The Lost World"?
CROW: And you, wit' da haircut, what's up wit all dat?!?
TOM: Ah, that's the best part. I'm the villain in the early summer release
"The Fifth Element". Call me:
[Cambot zooms in on Tom]
SERVO: [bad southern accent] Tom-Baptiste!
[Cambot zooms in real close on Tom]
SERVO: Emanuel!!
[Cambot is now in Servo's face]
SERVO: Servo!!!
[Normal View]
CROW: Uh-huh.
MIKE: That's it?
SERVO: Yep. Neat huh? I'm
[Cambot zooms in on Tom]
SERVO: [bad southern accent] Tom-Baptiste!
[Cambot zooms in real close on Tom]
SERVO: Emanuel!!
[Cambot is now in Servo's face]
SERVO: Servo!!!
[Nor-mal VIEW]
MIKE: Tom, admit it - you set this whole thing up just so you could get
an extreme close-up.
SERVO: What, you think I arranged all this just so I could say I was:
[Cambot zooms in on Tom]
SERVO: [bad southern accent] Tom-Baptiste!
[Cambot zooms in real close on Tom]
SERVO: Eman-
MIKE: No, no stop! Cambot, give it a rest!
[NOR-MAL VIEEEEEEEEWWWWW!!!!]
SERVO: Mike! You're interrupting my scene!
CROW: Tom - get help soon!
MIKE: And put Gypsy's voice back like it was!
GYPSY: [roar]
TOM: [whining] Fine! I never get to have any fun around here!
[lights flash]
CROW: Hey, Boy Wonder - Mr. Freeze & Poison Ivy on line 4!
[DEEP 13]
DR. F: Hello, nertizens! Having a costume party?
[SOL]
MIKE: [removing the mask] Nah, just being subjected to one of Tom's whims
[D13]
DR. F: Hmmm, I always knew that boy had a knack for evil experiments! But
it's nothing compared to what I'm about to inflict on you! It will
be the defining moment of...
PEARL: [offscreen] YEEEEOOOOWWWWCCCHHHH!!!!!! CLAYTON!!!!! What in
*tarnation* is this?!?
DR. F: Mother, I'm kind of busy here!
PEARL: [enters with her shoes smoking] Never mind that! I've told you about
leaving your experiments out unattended! Look at this, my Filas
are all melted and sludgy now!
DR. F: What are you talking about?
PEARL: That rassin-frassin molten tar pit you've got started in the next
room!
DR. F: I didn't start any molten tar pit!
PEARL: Well, it's there now, and *someone* owes me for a pair of sneakers!
DR. F: Hmmm, interesting. Perhaps you can sue Mother Nature, muahaha- [stops
when she gives him a murderous look] Um, well anyway, Nelson, I'm
sending you & your cohorts another double dose of evil. You'll be
getting a horribly overblown ad for some nothing movie no one's ever
heard of, but first, a little cry for political reform. Enjoy, John
Stuart Milletheads!
PEARL: What about my shoes?
DR. F: Oh, don't worry, the drying tar will seal them up just fine.
[SOL - lights flash]
[Cambot zooms in on all]
ALL: Oh no!
[Cambot zooms in real close]
SERVO: We got!!
[Cambot is now in everyone's face]
SERVO: SPAM SIGN!!! AHHHHHHH!!!!!!
[6... 5... 4... 3... 2... o]
MIKE: Lemme get that hair out of your eyes
SERVO: Thanks
CROW: Considering what we're about to see, I don't think he was doing you
any favors
>From: Brian Collar <bdco...@ix.netcom.com>
>Newsgroups: rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc
MIKE: Where every person counts for 33,333 others
CROW: What does *that* mean?
MIKE: It's a complex formula
>Subject: NEW OPEN DEBATE FOUNDATION
CROW: Now with added XG-50 for extra *extra* cleaning power!
>Date: Sat, 15 Mar 1997 22:06:02 -0500
>Organization: Netcom
>Lines: 77
SERVO: Short
CROW: But sour
>Message-ID: <332B63...@ix.netcom.com>
>Reply-To: bdco...@ix.netcom.com
MIKE: I hope it's just a really unfortunate coincidence that his e-mail
address works out to be "BD Collar"
>NNTP-Posting-Host: stp-fl8-31.ix.netcom.com
>Mime-Version: 1.0
>X-NETCOM-Date: Sat Mar 15 9:19:34 PM CST 1997
>X-Mailer: Mozilla 3.0Gold (Win95; I)
SERVO: Netscape version 5.0 - featuring Mozilla, Larryzilla & Curlyzilla
MIKE: With optional Shempzilla plugin
>Status: N
>
>A M E R I C A ' S O P E N D E B A T E F O U N D A T I O N
SERVO: Using unnecessary spaces since 1976!
>
>Dear friends of free elections:
CROW: Hi! How's the weather there?
>
> As you may recall, many, many of us made a noble effort to
>create an
MIKE: Entirely new form of life
>open debate for the 1996 presidential candidates. In less that one
>month, we established an e-mail network of over 10,000 friends and,
>thanks to them,
CROW: We made money fast
> our FAX-OUT Network reached over 2,000 sources. We
>received press in many papers and were heard on many radio stations.
SERVO: Sure, but so was the Macarena
> Why
>then did we fail ?
MIKE: I'm sure the depressingly low quality of the available third-party
candidates had nothing to do with it
SERVO: Um - "Low Quality" as opposed to what?
> Was it "too little, too late" ?
SERVO: Or "too much, too soon"?
CROW: Or "two candidates walk into a bar..."?
> Yes. And when these foes combined with the power brokers of the
>two-party guard, we failed.
SERVO & CROW: [singing] Failure! Failure! He's such a failure!
> Well, never again.
SERVO: Yeah, screw it! Let someone else be a Patsy for Perot!
> It is essential that we begin today for Election 2000.
MIKE: Oh, great- just one more thing the computers won't be able to handle!
> Indeed it
>is the
>single most important movement to which we can our commit ourselves.
CROW: And by all means, we should commit ourselves! Or at least have a
loved one do it for us!
>If, every four years, we "third party" supporters jump into the ring to
>challenge the Champion,
SERVO: [Ali] I want Joe Frazier! I want Joe Frazier!
> we will be beaten again and again.
CROW: Oh, yes! Beat me again! Again! I've been a naught naughty candidate!!
MIKE: Maybe that whole "BD Collar" name wasn't just an accident
> The
>Republicans and Democrats are professionals.
[All snicker]
CROW: Oh, where to begin with a statement like that?
> They train for the "big
>match" day in and day out. We "thirds" can afford to do no less and
>when the day comes for the showdown,
MIKE: [Western] We'll meet that ornry varmint at the gulch!
> the American People must be given
>accurate information if they are to choose the candidate which best
>represents their perception on our nation.
SERVO: Rambo Claus!
> A M E R I C A ' S O P E N D E B A T E F O U N D A T I O N
SERVO: Promises wider words for everyone!
>is the answer. Our mission is simple;
MIKE: [Shatner] toexPLORE... STRANGE... newWORLDS!
> To provide America's Voters with a
>nationally televised Presidential Debate in which all candidates meeting
>the Constitution's requirements may participate.
CROW: *Sounds* reasonable
MIKE: Until you realize this is the equivalent of turning the Presidential
debates into the NCAA basketball playoffs
> A M E R I C A ' S O P E N D E B A T E F O U N D A T I O N
SERVO: W i l l s t r e t c h y o u r w o r d p o w e r
CROW: How'd you do that?
SERVO: I dunno, but it's *fun*!
>is to be multi-partisan: It will gain the support of all American's who
>know that the answers to America's problems are found in the free
CROW: ...AOL Disk that came with your copy of "Byte" magazine
>exchange of ideas and that better leaders (than our present ones) are
>being kept out. Although each party differs greatly, we have one
>common enemy:
CROW: The Narn?
MIKE: The Cardassians?
SERVO: The New York Yankees?
> The Close-minded.
CROW: This posting has been close-minded for the thinking impaired
> A M E R I C A ' S O P E N D E B A T E F O U N D A T I O N
SERVO: G u a r a n t e e s m o r e w o r d s p a c i n g !
>needs you! There is much to do. WE MUST establish the Foundation itself
MIKE: Sorry, fella, Asimov beat you to it
>with representation from all national parties. WE MUST lay the ground
>work. WE MUST create a strong internet presence complete with
>autoresponder, FAX lists, chat and contacts.
CROW: Because there may still be one person on the planet who doesn't get
a dozen pieces of e-junkmail a day
> WE MUST design printed,
>fund-raising and marketing materials, establish a telephone contact
MIKE: With the Psychic Friends Network
> and
>assign electronic staffing. WE MUST prepare the soil by establishing a
SERVO: Mulch pile
>network of like-minded Americans. Then, when all is in place, WE MUST
ALL: WE MUST, WE MUST improve our bust!
>make a memorable first impression.
ALL: The bigger, the better, the tighter the sweater, the fellas will
follow US!
> If we are able to bring sufficient pressure upon the Commission
CROW: We can turn it into a diamond, like Superman did!
MIKE: Nicolas Cage?
SERVO: Oh, thanks so much for bringing *that* up!
>on
>Presidential Debates to abandon its subjective criteria
SERVO: And its common sense
> and adopt the
>purity of the US Constitution, then we are a success. If we are able to
>pressure the Republicans and Democrats to participate in only those
>Debates which represent all of America's Candidates,
CROW: America's Candidates! The generic Wal-Mart alternative to those
expensive name-brand candidiates!
> then we are
>a success. If we must purchase network time, rent the hall and present
>the debate ourselves, then we are a success.
MIKE: If we trumpet our plan in inappropriate newsgroups, then we are a
success
> How then can we loose ? Simple, if you and yours do not become
SERVO: ...part of us and ours
ALL: JOIN US! JOIN US! JOIN US!
>involved today this will NOT come to be. And, as a result, we will
>suffer, election after election, a repeat of the past.
CROW: Just stay off the radishes, that'll help
> Do these two things:
> 1 ~ E-mail me and, at least, SUBSCRIBE to further mailings.
> Better yet, share your ideas AND pledge your involvement.
MIKE: And I promise not to sell your e-mail address for quick cash. Really!
> 2 ~ Forward - Forward - Forward and Post - Post - Post
SERVO: Try Libbys - Libbys - Libbys on the label - label - label
CROW: You will like it - like it - like it on your table - table - table
> this notice anywhere and everywhere.
MIKE: Spam the torpedoes, full steam ahead!
>
> We can do this ! Time and determination is our ally for 2000
>and
CROW: One, a Space Odyssey
MIKE: My God, it's full of marginal candidates!
>beyond. If you are already obligated to another project, please find
>time to give something to this.
CROW: Time to make a living and raise a family? SLACKER! WHERE'S YOUR
COMMITMENT?!?
> If you do nothing else, do the one thing
>which will take us further than ANY OTHER effort:
MIKE: Give us a lift to Cleveland, will ya? My brother-in-law'll pay you
when we get there
> Support
> A M E R I C A ' S O P E N D E B A T E F O U N D A T I O N
SERVO: U s e e x t r a s p a c e s i n a l l y o u r w o r d s !
W a s t e b a n d w i d t h p r o d i g i o u s l y ! !
> I look forward to hearing from you.
>
>Yours in Liberty:
MIKE: And Equality
SERVO: And Fraternity
CROW: And the Phi Gamma Mu Sorority
>
>~ Brian L. Collar,
CROW: Kills both ticks and fleas!
> Founder
MIKE: *Shapeshifter!*
>America's Open Debate Foundation
SERVO: HE ABANDONED THE SPACES!!! Oh, my faith is crushed yet again!
MIKE: You're young, yet - you'll get over it.
CROW: Hey, let's split!
[All leave]
[o... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6]
[SOL - Mike & the bots are poring over a huge grid like the NCAA uses to
chart its unwieldy playoff field. The thing's been scribbled over with
about a dozen colors of marker, and extensions are taped, stapled & glued
on]
MIKE: Now the Democrats and the Republicans get a bye in the first round,
is that right?
CROW: Exactly, along with the Libertarians and United We Stand. The
Republicans face the winner of the Socialist Workers/Dixiecrat
debate, the Dems get the winner of the Progressive/Greens -
SERVO: Hold it, hold it - we've already got the Perotnistas facing the
American Independents in the first round
MIKE: I really thought they were debating the Whigs
GYPSY: No, the Whigs have the Know-Nothings first thing
MIKE: Ah!
CROW: Okay, so, no prob - we move the American Independent Party to the
Southeastern bracket, where they debate the candidate for the
Vegetarian party, and...
SERVO: Wait a minute, I thought the Vegetarian candidate was in the West
division, debating the Citizens' Party
MIKE: No, you moved the Citizen's candidate to the Big East slot, which
means they have to take on the Peace & Freedom candidate.
GYPSY: That's the Freedom & Peace party candidate.
SERVO: No, they're scheduled to open against the American Communist Party.
CROW: Nope, the Commies are taking on the late Pat Paulson, and the Peace
and - no wait, the late Pat Paulson debates the late Harold Stasson,
and the Commies do Lyndon LaRouche! Uh-uh, no, um...
MIKE: Oh, forget it guys, there are just too many splinter factions, minor
parties, and weirdoid independents to do this right!
CROW: But what about what the B&D Collar said about the third party
candidates not getting any exposure.
MIKE: Well, he's probably right, but even so -
GYPSY: Even so, there has to be a way to filter the Nuke-the-Whalers from
the ones who actually have a long shot at pulling an upset.
MIKE: Exactly! And there's this, too - even with just the two candidates,
almost nobody watches the current debates anyway! You factor in
a bunch of people with negative recognition factors, and the only
thing that'll score lower viewer numbers is reruns of "Pauly"!
[All shudder]
CROW: I suppose you're right. Still, there has to be a fairer way!
MIKE: Yeah, but this isn't it.
GYPSY: How about asking the public to find out all they can about the
candidates and their positions, then make an informed choice?
[They all ponder it for a minute]
ALL: NAAAAAHHHH!!!!
[Lights flash]
ALL: OH NO!! WE GOT MORE-SPAM SIGN!!
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
bi...@Traveller.COM http://www.hsv.tis.net/~bill
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