MiSTing: Katira's Tale, part 6.
Amanda Van Rhyn
something funny tyo go here.
> Katira, continuing; a hand flying to her mouth.
ALL: Look out! She’s gonna blow!!
> She knew that part well. It could only mean one thing. The one who had
> broken her heart last. Sure she’d had other heartbreaks before that, but
> it was him who had hurt her the worst.
> “Young eternal, but never to Olympus must be one. I guess somebody
> won’t live on Olympus, but I’m not quite sure who they mean on that one,”
> mumbled Herc, trying to solve the puzzle.
CROW: <Hercules> Quick, give me a six-letter word for
‘bastardizer of literature, folktales, and now mythology’!
TOM: Hmmmm... Disney, maybe?
> “Forever in the garden of love. Hmm. Any ideas, Herc?” asked Katira.
> “Nope. It didn’t make any sense to me either,” he answered. The
> couple got up, thanked the sybil, (paid her too) and then left.
> “So. It looks like we’re kind of stuck with each other,
MIKE: <Hercules> Well, more like stuck *to* each other. Was the duct
tape necessary?
> doesn’t it?” asked Katira slyly, looking at her new boyfriend lovingly.
> She was rather relieved to discover that Fate had brought them together,
> and it was okay for them to be in love, and the gods weren’t going to
> punish them for doing it.
CROW: ENH! Wrong! Smitesmitesmite...
TOM: Crow, you’re not a god.
CROW: Not *yet*, at least.
> “You might say that,” answered Herc, not really paying attention.
> Instead he was focusing on how he was going to choose between his two
> girlfriends.
MIKE: <Hercules> Hmm... eenie-meanie-miney-moe or coin toss?
> Melody interrupted his thoughts.
TOM: Melody?! Not *another* Hercules sig other, please!
> Katira had stopped, and was playing her flute again, her feet collecting
> gold coins.
CROW: Wow, Katira’s feet have a gold-attracting magnetic field!
> Katira really did seem to be a goddess, her dress shining in the sun,
> her flute enchanting the market-goers.
MIKE: “The market-goers shiver violently and explode!”
TOM: *Now* who’s kicking out the dweeb-reference jams?
> As she played, Herc figured that he would have to bring Meg and Katira
> together for him to choose,
CROW: That's great. Hey, everyone, let's take Romance 101 from
Hercules!
since he knew that if he was only with Meg
> when he chose, he’d pick Meg. It would be the same way if it was just
> Katira, he’d pick her.
MIKE: Hmm... picking the girl nearest you... would that be classified
as a marriage of convenience?
> Only if they were together would he be able to choose equally, although
> he wasn’t sure how the girls would take to meeting each other.
TOM: BUT THEY ALREADY KNEW EACH OTHER!!! LOOK AT WHAT YOU WROTE
BEFORE AND STICK TO IT, ERATO!!!! AGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!
(Tom’s head begins shooting sparks.)
CROW: Real shame, buddy. There goes you head *and* there go those
RAMchips.
TOM: <with his head a bit charred but serviceable> Noooo! Mike, say
it ain’t so!
MIKE: ‘Fraid Crow’s right. Rules are rules. But you *will* receive
some lovely parting gifts.
(Mike begins to repair Tom’s head)
> They might hate each other for being the “other girl,” or they might
> become friends, not caring about how they stood with him. Yes, he was
> going to have to bring Katira to Thebes, hopefully not a problem since
> Katira was used to a nomadic lifestyle.
CROW: <Marlin Perkins> The wild Katira annually undertakes a grueling
migration south for the winter, and science is still nonplused about
the individuals’ navigation systems, since none of them will live
long enough to make the journey twice.
> He would tell her at lunch. Katira, on the other hand, was thinking that
> since she had a name and was becoming wealthier, it would be time to move
> on to bigger cities, fancier places, and possibly settle her nomadic life,
> getting >married or something. Who knew? Fate had brought her a hero who
> loved her, who knew what else it might bring?
MIKE: <Katira> Tee hee. One day I may be an official author avatar,
instead of merely the thinly-veiled one!
> She would tell Herc at lunch that she planned to move, possibly to Thebes
> where she would be close to Herc’s home. When Katira could stuff no more
> money into her pouches and pockets,
TOM: <head fully repaired> ... she attempted to walk carrying about
500 lbs. of gold and immediately collapsed.
> she stopped playing, and went back to camp with Herc.
> Back at the camp, Katira began lunch as usual, sitting next to her
> boyfriend. When she was done with her share, she decided to tell Herc
> about her plans. At the same time, he was about to tell her his.
MIKE: Feel the dense, overly-plotted synergy in the air!
> “I have something to tell you,” they began in unison.
CROW: Aww, together for maybe a week and they’re already finishing
each other’s sentences.
> “You first,” said Herc.
> “Okay. Well, anyway, I’m planning to take this pita stand somewhere
> else. Somewhere bigger and better.
TOM: Wait a second... wasn’t Athens one of the largest and most
prosperous of the Greek city-states? Where else could she go?
MIKE: You forget, this is Bizarro Greece. Zeus never fools around,
all the women worth caring about are fabulously beautiful,
20th-century and off-culture idioms are a dime a dozen, and everyone
has white skin. What were you expecting?
> Possibly Thebes, I don’t know,” she said.
> “Great! I was just about to tell you that it was time for me to go
> home to Thebes, and was going to ask if you’d come with me,” said Herc.
> “I’d love to. If you’re ready, we can start right now,” offered
> Katira. Herc nodded his assent, and Katira began to pack everything up.
> She fit everything into her pack,
MIKE: Wow, must be one of those enchanted AD&D packs that have the
capacity of a dimension or two.
> and slung it over one shoulder. Herc had nothing to gather, and they
> started off.
> “This is going to take forever,” mumbled Herc.
> “No it won’t. I know shortcuts to Thebes. We’ll be there by dawn
> tomorrow. Trust me,” said Katira cheerfully.
CROW: <Katira> Yep, we can step right through the huge gaping plot
holes!
> Not seeing any better options, Herc agreed to take the shortcuts. They
> walked and walked, never stopping.
TOM: They started as half-gods, now they’re golems.
> It still took a while, and they came across some unwanted wildlife
MIKE: <vaguely Droopyish voice> I’m Chirpy the mutant hellbeast,
and I don’t like this fanfic.
> and overgrown foliage,
ALL: <singing> Little Shop, Little Shop of Horrors!
> but with Herc’s sword
MIKE: Sting?
TOM: Shieldbreaker?
CROW: Tailbiter?
MIKE: Excalibur?
CROW: Redthirst?
TOM: PlotDevice?
> and Katira’s skills,
CROW: Flute playing won't help.
TOM: Well, she could have played so badly that it scared all the
animals and stuff away.
CROW: Point taken.
> they were no problem. A couple hundred miles and 18 hours later,
MIKE: Um, do all rogues with heavy backpacks normally do over 10 mph?
> they could see Thebes in the glow of the rising sun.
> “Gee Kat, you were right!” exclaimed a tired, but happy Hercules. He
> sometimes called her Kat instead of Katira, and she had gladly accepted
> the nickname without any protest.
> “Of course I was,” she said triumphantly, also somewhat tired.
> However, Katira wasn’t nearly as exhausted as her companion, since she
> was used to having to walk long distances in short times.
CROW: Yep, in addition to being 3/4 immortal, incredibly musically
talented, and radiantly beautiful, she’s also a cross-country runner!
Katira is getting as bad as Davey Kintobor!
TOM: If not worse. At least Davey-kins is an admitted avatar.
MIKE: Katira, the closet is a dark and lonely place. Say it with me:
“I’m an avatar, and I’m OK.”
> “I’m glad you decided to come along,” he said, knowing his decision
> would have to be made soon.
> “No prob, Hercie, honey.
CROW: <Katira> Anything for you, sweet baby angel pie nummy muffin
cocol butter.
> Now that we’re here, you’ll have to lead the way to you’re place, since
> I don’t know where it is,” she said, trying to see if she could find his
> villa. She followed him to the door, impressed with its size and splendor.
TOM: And the building is... right there! Must have warped through
another one of those pesky plot holes.
> “We’re here,” announced Herc, as they approached the door. Pegasus
> greeted them, apparently apologizing for running off.
MIKE: <Pegasus, in a very Mr. Ed voice> Hello there, Wilburrrrcules!
> Peg also seemed to like Katira, which was a blessing.
> “Nice bungalow you’ve got here,” remarked Katira off-handedly, as she
> entered the building.
> “Stay here,” Herc told Katira, as he went to see if he could find Meg.
> With her one-shoulder shrug,
TOM: All right, fanfic, what gives? Is one shoulder paralyzed or
something?
> Katira obeyed, using her pack as a chair. Not far off, she could hear a
> conversation between Herc and another female, apparently Meg, or so
> Katira presumed. Soon, Herc came into view with Megara at his side.
> Both girls let out a startled gasp when they saw each other, not of
> surprise to find another girl there, but one of recognition.
CROW: <Megara> Hey, I know you!! You stole my purse out of the
women’s restroom three years ago!
> “Oh gods,” breathed Katira, standing up nervously.
> “Uh, Meg, this is Katira. Kat, this is Megara,” introduced Herc, but
> introductions weren’t necessary. They knew exactly who the other was.
MIKE: Why are we still reviewing this? Will there be a quiz at the
end of the fanfic?
(M&TB all shudder)
> “I don’t believe it,” muttered Meg.
TOM: <Megara> A fat-free yogurt that’s not short on flavor? I can’t
believe it!
> “So. It’s you,” said Katira, not with hostility, but she wasn’t
> exactly friendly.
> “And it’s you,” added Meg, in almost the same tone, but slightly more
> hostile.
> “Uh, you’ve met?” asked Herc,
CROW: Hasn’t this already been covered? Or has Herc not been taking
notes?
> backing away from them, as though he was afraid to be in a line of fire.
> “Yes, Herc, we’ve met,” answered Katira.
(All gasp)
MIKE: NO! Really?!
TOM: Apparently so! Remember, in Bizarro Greece, it’s not an official
plot point unless it’s been repeated 10 times...
> “How long has it been?” asked Meg evenly.
> “Three years. Oh, Meg, I’m so sorry!” blurted out Katira,
> practically in tears.
CROW: <Katira> I’m SO sorry!! Your purse didn’t have anything worth
stealing in it at all!
> Herc looked at Katira in pure shock. He hadn’t been expecting anything
> much, but this certainly wasn’t at all what he’d thought would happen!
TOM: I see Hercules has the general comprehension skills of a brick.
MIKE: On a good day.
> “It’s all right. It wasn’t your fault. It was-” started Meg.
CROW: <Katira> A horrible right-wing conspiracy, right?
> “I know, I know, it was his, but now I’ve done it again!” interrupted
> Katira, frantic, and with tears beginning to stream from her stormy
> bluish eyes. Herc looked back and forth between the two. Eerily even
> Meg, and upset Katira. Both showing sides of themselves that poor,
> confused Herc had never seen in either of them.
MIKE: <Hercules, as caveman> Duhhh... what stupid man do now?
> “What do you mean you’ve done it again?” asked Meg, suddenly wary.
> “It wasn’t my fault! I didn’t know! I-it-the Fates-” Katira wailed,
> breaking off in sobs.
CROW: Don’t try this at home, kids. Jagged broken sobs can put
someone’s eye out.
> “Slow down and stop blubbering.
TOM: <Megara> Where in the world did you even get that dead whale at
this time of year, anyway?
> Now what happened?” repeated Meg. Katira tried, but she couldn’t stop
> crying.
> “Oh, why don’t you ask him?” moaned Katira, gesturing at Hercules.
> Meg looked at him in surprise.
MIKE: <Hercules> Hey, don’t look at *me*. I’m just the stupid *man*.
> “Herc? Do you know what she’s babbling about?” asked Meg, growing
> exasperated.
TOM: <Katira> Babble babble babble! Who needs a topic? This is fun!
Babble babble babble...
> “No! I don’t even know what you two are babbling about!” he
> declared, almost as frantic as Katira in his confusion. Meg sighed.
> Was she the only one with a cool head around here?
CROW: Well, who else would stick their head in the freezer to set
the ‘do?
> “Okay, here’s what we’re talking about: Before either of us even
> knew about you, I was dating a guy named Anticlus. We were going pretty
> strong, until he had a, well, an accident, you could call it.
MIKE: <Megara> He had to wear the rubber pants every night
after that...
> It nearly killed him. I was so desperate to save his life, that I sold
> my soul to Hades.
TOM: <Hades> You got the wrong afterlife guy, ma’am.
I don’t buy souls. Try the Underworld next door.
> You remember that I did that, because you freed my soul.
CROW: <Megara> And gave it Chicken Soup!
> Anyway, he got all better, when Katira, as you call her, passed by.
> Anticlus left me for her love, and I was heartbroken.
MIKE: <Megara> That’s when I had to have the angioplasty...
> The rest of the story you pretty much know. I was still Hades’ stooge,
TOM: Ah, who could forget the comedy stylings of Moe, Curly,
and Megara?
> was sent to get rid of you, and blah, blah, blah up until now,” explained
> Meg.
> “Oh. Okay. Yes, now I think I know what Katira means. It’s kind of
> a long story though,” said Herc, stalling.
MIKE: <Pegasus, in the same Mr. Eddish voice> Hey, get outta there!
That’s *my* stall!
> Meg should know, but was he ready to tell her?
> “I’ll explain it, but Meg, you may want to sit down for this,” began
> Katira, calmer now, “See, Herc was getting smothered, I rescued him from
> the groupies, and he came and stayed with me for a few days. In those
> few days, we, uh, kind of, well, fell in love.
CROW: <Katira> Aren’t plot contrivances wonderful?
> We aren’t married or anything, but we found out that, well, we were meant
> to be. It’s sealed in our fates.
TOM: <Katira> The hallucinating old woman said so! It must be true!
> We can’t help it. Oh, Meg, I’m so sorry! Every time you find a nice
> guy, I have to go and take him away!” Meg gasped in surprise at the news,
> and Katira looked up at Meg with apologetic, imploring eyes.
MIKE: Katira, Bambi called. He wants his eyes back.
> “Is it true?” asked Meg. Both Katira and Herc nodded, neither one
> very happy about the whole deal. For once Meg was speechless. She never
> knew this could happen! There was a hush in the room, and no one could
> look at any of the other two directly, but all three squirmed
> uncomfortably. Finally, Katira searched through her pack for anything
> that could help. She found three apples, and decided to break silence.
TOM: Hey, be careful with that silence! It's already been Krazy Glued
once!
> “Anyone up for a light snack?”
CROW: <Uncle Fester> Sure! Pass the 100-Watts, would ya?
> she asked shyly, displaying the fruit. Meg and Herc looked up with a
> start.
> “Um, okay,” said Meg, taking an apple.
> “What about you, Herc?” Katira asked.
> “Sure, why not?” he answered, catching the one Katira tossed to him.
> Thankfully, the apples worked, and the trio relaxed some.
MIKE: Wow, genetic engineering may have its uses - naturally-grown
Zoloft-laced fruit!
> “So, what’s it like here in the Big Olive? I am a tourist, after all,”
> said Katira between bites.
CROW: Katira, while you’re biting things, how about *me*?
TOM: Ooh, that was *cheap*.
CROW: Yeah, yeah... but remember who still has the RAMchips. Nyeh.
> “Oh, it’s okay. It’s been a while since the last disaster,
MIKE: Theban Trailer Park: 5 Days Since Last Tornado!
> and Herc’s as popular as ever,” replied Meg, with a smirk at Hercules.
> “Don’t worry, Meg’s exaggerating a little. What’s it like in Corinth,
> Kat?” queried Herc.
> “Oh, I don’t know. Haven’t been there for a couple years, but it’s
> probably the same as always. Hey, if you’re looking for a party town,
> Corinth’s the hottest place to go,” answered Katira, shrugging one
> shoulder.
TOM: Hey, use both your shoulders! Some of us don’t even have the
luxury of *one* functional one!
> Meg smiled, for she had once lived in Corinth as a child. There she had
> first met Katira.
> “I’ll agree to that. It’s been a while since the days of Corinth,
> isn’t that right, Katira?” questioned Meg, with a smile at Katira.
CROW: <Katira> I’d say so! It’s now the Century of the Fruitbat,
right?
> “Yeah. ‘Bout...let’s see here...oh, about twelve, thirteen years,”
> she answered. Herc nearly choked on a bite of apple.
TOM: Now it’s a Snow White crossover?!
> Meg and Katira had known each other that long?
> “You didn’t even have a name back then. You were always whatever
> someone fancied.
MIKE: Nothing like a fanfic that repeats an identical plot point over
and over for those slow on the uptake, eh?
> I also remember you being such a rag-tag little thing. Never had much of
> a decent scrap of clothing on you,”
(All shudder.)
> continued Meg, reminiscing the days of childhood. Katira grinned.
> “You tended to have a few rips in your dresses too, Meg. Granted,
> you weren’t penniless,
TOM: <Megara> Yes, I was a gutter punk with a stable 401(k) plan!
> only headstrong and reckless,” retorted Katira playfully. Herc tried not
> to laugh. It was hard to picture Meg as a reckless six-year-old, but a
> little easier to picture Katira as a child, since from Meg’s description,
> she was pretty much the same, only smaller.
MIKE: <Katira> Of course I haven’t grown up! I don’t wanna! I’m a
Toys ‘R’ Us kid!
> “You were reckless as a kid, Meg?” wondered Herc, with a teasing grin.
CROW: Attention readers! Fashion your seatbelts; we’re going to have
some turbulence on the way to Flashback Hell!
> “Are you kidding? That girl was running around like a crazy woman,
> doing anything and everything, and always winding up in trouble.
> She wasn’t exactly bad or anything, just always getting into all sorts of
> scrapes and trouble.
MIKE: Let me guess... she also rode around in the Mystery Machine
with those crazy kids and their dog, right?
> Me, on the other hand, I was always doing what I wasn’t supposed to. I
> was a handful of spunk and sass; a regular little rogue.
CROW: Aeneas nothing! Her estranged father is Tasselhoff Burrfoot!
> Sure, I did what I was told, but I did the most impish things behind the
> backs of the people in authority over me.
MIKE: <Katira> Don’t tell anyone, but I’m El Barto.
> Of course, when I was caught, I often got a nasty whipping.
TOM: Well, why not? She’s so *creamy* and all...
> I probably deserved every one I ever got,” laughed Katira.
> “What did you do?” asked Herc unwisely.
> “Well, I was always stealing and hiding things from the other kids,
MIKE: <Katira> But the Arkenstone, that was my *big* score.
> and always daring them to do some thing or another,” began Katira.
> “That’s just the beginning. She did the most awful pranks too.
CROW: <Hercules> Let me guess, you’re the one that TPed the Parthenon.
> Filling sugar bowls with salt, and replacing the salt with sugar.
> Painting pomegranates red, and giving them to us, pretending they were
> ripe.
TOM: <Katira> Hehe. I thought Persephone was gonna *kill* me for that
one!
> Twice she got all the kids nearby drunk on wine,
MIKE: What kids?
TOM: The Get-Along Gang. Their sordid past has never gotten out to
the masses.