MiSTed: Rocky Dwarf (2/6)
TICK
The "fun" continues...sigh...
(7...6...5...4...3...2...1)
CROW: Mike, where do bad fanfics come from?
MIKE: Some say from Hell, some say from Ratliff.
TOM: Ssssshhhh! He may be listening!
>
>OFFICIAL2: Well... not really, in fact we'll send you and your
>friends straight
TOM: TO THE BOWELS OF HELL!! AH HA HA HA HA HA!!
> to him.
>LISTER: Close is it then?
>OFFICIAL1: No, but thats no problem... I'm sure you know the
>place, it's known as the planet Earth.
>LISTER (Brightens up): Earth... you mean we're finally going to
>get
>
CROW: Deloused? YAAHOO!!
>
>back to Earth!
>OFFICIAL2: I'm glad you agree, now I'm sure we can cover the
>details quickly...
CROW: Speaking of Details, any of you read the new one with Heather
Locklear yet?
MIKE: No, I'm still reading the one with Cindy Crawford on it.
>
>Scene Shot: A darkened room, mainly metallic with several
>computer screens and various levers & switches covering the walls. Lister,
>Kryten, Cat and the freshly woken Rimmer stand in the center of the room
>while the two officials stand by some of the controls on a nearby wall.
>
>RIMMER: Where am I... (Memory floods in) Aliens... there were
>aliens!
ALL: YES! ALIENS! GET A CLUE!
>
>Rimmer looks round the room rapidly whilst trying to fake a
>karate stance, he sees the officials and stands up straight,
>with his hands behind his back, whistling quietly.
TOM: (in Irish cop's voice) All right, nothin' ta see here, show's
over...
>
>LISTER: Calm down Rimmer, we're being sent back to Earth - these
>guys just want us to deliver a message to a Riffraff guy and then we're
>home.
CROW: Riffraff? Is this gonna turn into an Underdog cartoon?
>OFFICIAL1: Well I'm afraid that's not exactly true.
>CAT: Hey what you saying bud?
>OFFICIAL1: I'm sorry to say that you can't stay on Earth, you see
>it'd be in the 20th century now and we don't want the population knowing
>we exist so we'll have to bring you back after you've delivered the
>message.
MIKE: You know, they'd start bugging us to go on talk shows and
stuff...
>LISTER: Hey - no way, either you let us stay there or we won't
>go... right guys?
>RIMMER, CAT, KRYTEN: Right.
ALL: We shall overcome....
>OFFICIAL2: Ah, but we have something you never thought off... we
>have lazer guns, you do not.
>
CROW: We can't spell, but we're violent!
>Both the officials take out trident shaped lazer guns and point
>them at them.
>
TOM: They point the guns at the guns? Kinda defeats the purpose, doesn't
it?
>LISTER: Oh, yeah - I guess we didn't think of that.
MIKE: Not thinking is what I do best!
>CAT: They've got us there bud, that's a pretty persuasive
>argument they're holding.
CROW: Well, ya gotta know when to hold 'em.
>OFFICIAL2: Yes, these are lazer capable of producing a beam of
>pure anti-matter.
>KRYTEN: Excuse me, but in that case they're not lazers.
>
TOM: Who are you, Stephen Hawking? SHUT UP!
>They all look at Kryten with puzzled expressions.
>
>KRYTEN: A lazer beam is that of highly focus light rays and have
>nothing in common with anti-matter, so technically they are not
>lazers.
ALL: Go to bed, old man!
CROW: In _my_ day, we had real lazers!
>
>The officials look at each other and whisper frantically for a
>few seconds before turning back.
CROW: I wanna kill him.
TOM: No, me!
MIKE: I called dibs!
>
>OFFICIAL1: You may be right, but they'll still kill you if you
>don't do what we say.
MIKE: And so's your old man!
>Kryten stops looking smug.
>
TOM: This guy makes me ashamed to be a 'bot.
>LISTER: Ah, right.
>
>The officials work a couple of the levers and Lister, Rimmer,
>Kryten & the Cat disappear.
CROW: Well, that was fun. Let's get outta here, huh?
MIKE: We're not getting off that easy, Crow.
>
>OFFICIAL1 (to Official2): Do think they'll be able to resist
>Frank'n'furter?
TOM: Nobody can resist a plump Frank'n'furter!
>OFFICIAL2: I doubt it.
>
>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>---------------
>Part II:
>========
TOM: IT'S ONLY PART II! AHHHHHHHHHH!
CROW: Mike, please...just shut me off. I don't want to go this way!
TOM: Yeah, let us have some dignity!
CROW: We'd do the same for you!
MIKE: There, there, fellas. Just relax...
>
>Scene Shot: A darkened garden, there isn't a storm brewing, but
>you would feel there should be.
TOM: Thank you, Papa Hemingway.
>Beyond a tree can be seen a large mansion, very similar
>to the one on the planet Transexual, suddenly Lister falls out of the
>tree onto the path.
>
MIKE: It's the run-on sentence from hell!
>LISTER: Owph... Smeg where did that tree come from... Stupid
>goits couldn't even put us on the ground... Kryten, Cat, Rimmer,
>where are you guys.
CROW: We are over here. Where are you. To be or not to be. If a tree
falls in the forest does it make a sound.
>KRYTEN (Somewhere in the tree): I'll be right down as soon as I
>can remove this branch from my spinal cerrrrheezzz, my spineeeaaa...
TOM: BAD TRIP, MAN! BAD TRIP!
><Czzt> Will that be all sir, well have a nice... <Czzt>...
>Ah, I think I have it now.
MIKE: WHOO! What a rush!
>
>A large amount of rustling results in Kryten landing in a bush
>nearby. The Cat jumps nimbly out of the tree to land beside Lister.
CROW: Yeah, well, let's see him jump a candlestick next.
>
>CAT (almost wailing): Hey, my suit, my suit - Did you see what
>that tree did to my suit...
MIKE: Well, c'mon. How would you like it if he picked _your_ apples?
>thank god it didn't crease it or I would have
>just died.
CROW: Hope springs eternal, though.
TOM: Hey, Mike, do you believe in god?
MIKE: Oh, yeah. god, jesus...
CROW: k.d. lang, e.e. cummings...
>
>Lister ignores Cat and rushs over to the bush which Kryten is
>climbing out of.
(CROW opens his mouth.)
MIKE: Don't even think about it, Crow.
CROW: It was gonna be a George Bush joke, I swear...
>
>LISTER: Are you all right Kryten, that was a bad fall you took
>there?
TOM: This guy talks like a teenager. "Um...here's your pizza?"
>KRYTEN: I appear to be fiieeee, to be fiieeee... (He removes a
ALL: FIE ON GOODNESS! FIE!
>small twig from his neck) To be fine sir.
>LISTER: Well if you say so Kryten...
CROW: You're damn right I say so! OBEY ME!
>RIMMER: When you've quite finished stuttering over each other can
>somebody get me down?
MIKE: And get me funky while you're at it, too!
>
>Lister and Kryten turn to see Rimmer apparently floating two foot
>off the ground at a 45 degree angle to normal, he has his arms
>crossed and is tapping his foot impatiently, quite impressive
>considering his foot doesn't seem to be touching anything.
CROW: I always thought he was a little light in the loafers.
MIKE: CROW!!
CROW: What?!
>
>LISTER: How do you manage that Rimmer?
TOM: Oh, how _do_ we manage that Rimmer?
MIKE: That wacky Rimmer.
CROW: That nutty Rimmer.
TOM: That zany Rimmer!
MIKE: That kooky Rimmer!
CROW: That smeghead Rimmer!
>RIMMER: Oh, didn't you know - I often practice standing at stupid
>angles above the ground...
MIKE: I used to be a Flying Wallenda!
>(slightly louder) My lightbee is stuck in a branch you
>goit, now get me down.
>LISTER: Oh, OK Rimmer.
TOM: Stupidhead.
>
>Lister walks over and sticks his hand into Rimmers stomach,
CROW: And the blood coated his hands like crimson gloves! HA HA HA!
>Rimmer abruptly vanishes and Lister pulls his lightbee out of the
>low branch that can now be seen.
MIKE: Pulls the...can now be...huh?!
>
>LISTER: Where's he gone? Kryten, you found this thing - what's
>happened to it?
>KRYTEN: Well I believe you just hit Mr. Rimmer's off switch.
>LISTER: Really? You mean he has an off switch, and I didn't know?
TOM: You mean he has an off switch, and _we_ didn't know?
>CAT (wailing from nearby): Argh, there's dirt on the trousers,
>I'll have to burn the whole suit now.
CROW: Huh huh. Fire is cool.
MIKE: Do you find something familiar about that show or is it just me?
>KRYTEN: It's to stop the lightbee's power supply running low away
>from the ship, I think I'd better turn him back on.
ALL: NOOOOOOOOOOO!
>LISTER: Oh well, suit yourself. (He drop kicks Rimmer's lightbee
>to Kryten, who just manages to catch it)
MIKE: And BC beats Notre Dame again!
ALL: YAAAAAY!
>KRYTEN: Now sir, this is a delicate piece of equipment - we
>wouldn't want to lose Rimmer would we?...
TOM: You _are_ kidding, right?
>I'm sorry, I think that tree must have damaged my reasoning circuits sir.
MIKE: Well, you're appearing in this fanfic. It's understandable.
>
>Kryten fiddles with the lightbee
CROW: Well, Kryten went down to Georgia, he was lookin' for a soul to
steal...
>as he and Lister walk over to find the Cat licking the shin of
>his trousers clean. Rimmer reappears and makes
>a scene of dusting himself down.
TOM: Oh, don't let's make a scene.
>
>RIMMER: Well thank you for hurrying you guys, it's not nice being
>switched off.
CROW: Sure is starting to look attractive, though.
TOM: What, Rimmer?!
CROW: No, being switched off.
>KRYTEN (looking towards the mansion): It appears that there is
>the mansion we are suppose to visit.
>LISTER: Right then, let's deliver that message then.
>CAT: Yeah, and get away from these trees, they've ruined my suit.
>KRYTEN (Looks at the tree again): Hmm, Slutuitous Gobbulie, quite
>a rare species I believe.
MIKE: Hmmmm, Botus Pretentious, an altogether too common specimen.
CROW & TOM: Hey!
>RIMMER: Look, would somebody mind telling me what the smeg we're
>supposed to be doing here?
MIKE: Torturing us?
>LISTER (starting to walk toward the house): Well it's quite
>simple
CROW: Then you explain it. I'm bitter.
>Rimmer, we're here to deliver a consignment of candy to Riffraff who
>like, helps run this mansion over here.
TOM: Where the hell did _that_ come from?!
>KRYTEN: Now sir, you know that isn't true.
>LISTER: Yeah, course it's true - we have to avoid this sausage
>guy 'cause he doesn't like Riffraff getting too much candy.
CROW: Yeah, that's it, that's the ticket...
>
>Rimmer being slightly dazed after being turned off totally fails
>to catch the sarcasm in Lister's voice as they walk up to the door. Lister
>knocks on the door and waits as it slowly swings open to
>reveal a short balding man, who appears to
>be a hunchback, peering out of the gloom inside.
MIKE: Danny DeVito?!
>
>RIFFRAFF: Yes, and what brings you to my master's house on a
>night like this?
>LISTER: Erm, your master - would that be this Riffraff guy then?
>RIFFRAFF: No, you are most mistaken... I am Riffraff, my master's
>humble servant.
TOM: But it's pronounced _Eye_-Gor.
>LISTER: Err, right - well, I believe we have something for you
>from your superiors back on Transexual.
CROW: It's a video of Mrs. Doubtfire.
>RIFFRAFF (quietly): Shhh, the master may be nearby. (slightly
>louder than normal) Well I think you better all
ALL: GET LOST!
>(he looks at each of them in turn slowly)... come inside.
CROW: I don't care where you...
MIKE: Crow!
CROW: At least let me respond to the RHPS lines! Come on!
>KRYTEN: Well thank you Mr. Riffraff, sir.
>RIFFRAFF: Please, it is just (pauses again) Riffraff.
MIKE: Actually, my first name's Francis. But I don't like it.
>
>They enter a dimly lit hallway that is full of antique furniture
>and has a staircase leading up into the gloom above. A figure steps out of
>the shadows behind the stairs, it a transvestite of the highest order -
ALL: ED WOOD!!
>dressed complete with stockings, makeup but no bra.
CROW: Helloooooo, nurse!
>He looks sharply at Riffraff.
>
>FRANK'N'FURTER: Well, what are these people doing in my house, I
>said my work was not to be disturbed.
TOM: Yeah, I'm disturbed enough.
>RIFFRAFF: I'm sorry master but they have some deliveries to make
>and I don't think they would dare disturb your (pauses as he turns to
>look at Lister)... work.
MIKE: What's with all the...........pauses?
>RIMMER (saluting): Yes we are here to deliver a consignment of
>candy to Riffraff here.
CROW: And not to give him weapons to kill you with. Nosiree bob.
>LISTER (out of the corner of his mouth): Shut up Rimmer.
The GUYS applaus again.
TOM: Is that getting old?
MIKE: Tom, anytime this guy stops talking, it's an occasion for joy.
>RIFFRAFF (Turns to look strangely at Rimmer): Yes... quite...
CROW:....stupid.
>FRANK'N'FURTER (waving his hand vaguely in the air): Well you
>enjoy your candy
TOM: And save me some Kit Kats!
>Riffraff, I'll be in the lab working on my (gives a
>slight, cough-like laugh) obsession.
MIKE: Kate Moss?
>
>Frank steps into a lift that is virtually hidden in the gloom and
>disappears though the ceiling, a shadow near the top of the banister of the
>stairs suddenly turns out to be the prevocatively dressed Magenta who has been
>lieing there, a leg either side of the banister.
CROW: Finally! Entertainment!
>She turns to look at the assemble below.
>
>MAGENTA: Candy, ha. Riffraff's lucky, I'm lucky, we're all lucky
>(With this she slides down the banister in a most unladylike fashion)
TOM: Looks like this is the place to get lucky!
MIKE: Don't _you_ start!
>CAT (Whispers to Rimmer next to him): If you ask me, that
>banister's lucky!
CROW: Know what I mean, know what I mean, nudge nudge!
>
>Rimmer nods in agreement.
>
>RIFFRAFF: Ah, Magenta... how nice of you to join us, these (looks
>Kryten up and down pausing)... people have a message for us. Please,
>show them to a guest room.
MIKE (in Riffraff voice): I've got to go visit my mother, Mrs. Bates.
>
>Scene Shot: Rimmer, Lister and Kryten stand in what might have
>been a large room before it was filled with a wide collection of antique
>statues and other items just one step away from being junk.
TOM: As opposed to this fanfic, which went careening over that step
a _long_ time ago.
>Riffraff enters with Magenta who closes the door and slowly walks
>around the room as the rest of them talk.
EVERYONE starts humming the "Jaws" theme.
>
>RIFFRAFF: Sorry to keep you waiting, your Cat wanted to be shown
>where to clean his suit, anyway we are quite safe here, this room
>contains none of my masters monitors, so please... tell the message you've
>brought me.
CROW: It's from your chiropractor. Your insurance came through!
>RIMMER (looks confused): I thought we were delivering candy?
>LISTER: Oh Rimmer, you're such a smeghead... Kryten tell Riffraff
>the message so we can get out of here.
ALL: QUICKLY! QUICKLY, PLEASE!
>KRYTEN (To lister): Yes sir.
>
>Kryten turns to Riffraff who is idly wiping the dust off one of
>the many statues and seems to be playing little attention to what is said.
MIKE: A smart guy.
>
>KRYTEN: Your superiors say that they have new orders for your
>mission and that it is vitally important that you contact them immediately.
TOM: And wear your mittens.
>MAGENTA: At last, we are to have our orders... we can be free of
>our master.
CROW: Now we can go back to Transexual and find our roots!
>RIFFRAFF (looking up from the statue): If only it was that easy
>dear Magenta.
MIKE: I have this horrifying feeling that there's a plot complication
coming on...
>LISTER: What do you mean, that easy?
>RIFFRAFF: Well it would seem that my transmitter to my planet is
>no longer functioning... it seems that your message is somewhat
>(pauses) useless.
TOM: STOP WITH THE...........PAUSES!
>RIMMER: Well I'm sure old Mr.Know-it-all Kryten could fix it, he
>seems to fix everything else.
CROW: Oh, _that's_ why he's so bitter. He's been fixed!
MIKE: Fine, go ahead with the smut. It'll all end in tears!
>
>Lister trys to nudge Rimmer into shutting up but realises that he
>can't nudge a hologram. Riffraff's gaze turns slowly towards
>Kryten. Rimmer smiles smugly.
TOM: BLOO HA HA!
>
>RIFFRAFF: Is this true... can you fix my (pauses as he tilts his
>head to one side) transmitter.
>KRYTEN (Trying desperately to lie): Well, I'm sh-sh-sh-sure I
>c-c-c-can. (To himself) Oh... debugger routines, I still haven't got that
>lie mode right.
CROW: Suddenly he reminds me of Nixon!
>LISTER (Hurridly): Well, that's it, that's the message - don't
>want to keep you, er, guys waiting... so we'll just be going now eh?
>RIFFRAFF: I'm sorry, but that... won't be possible.
The BOTS burst into tears.
MIKE: Aw, guys, don't do this...
>You see, we must get the full message before you leave.
>MAGENTA (sliding her hands over Listers shoulders from behind):
>Yes, the (pauses)... full... message.
CROW: Full massage? All RIGHT!
>RIFFRAFF: And if your Kryten here can help me fix my transmitter,
>I'm sure your stay will be somewhat (pauses)... shorter.
>MAGENTA (hisses in Listers ear simultaneously): Shorter.
ALL: YEAH! SHORTER! IS GOOD!
>LISTER (disentangling himself from Magenta): Oh smeg, I suppose
>we'll being staying here a while then.
TOM: Hey, what about "shorter?"
>RIMMER: What happened about the candy.
>LISTER: Oh for smeg's sake Rimmer, there's NO CANDY.
MIKE: Yeah, let's us go get some candy.
(1...2...3...4...5...6...7)
*********************************************************************
The alleged fun continues...
MST3K and all related characters are copyright Best Brains, Inc.
Red Dwarf and all related characters are copyright Grant Naylor
Productions. The Rocky Horror Show and all related characters are
copyright Richard O'Brien. This is intended for entertainment
purposes only.
This MiSTing was written by Pete "Tick" Milan and Matt "Badger" Rossi.
Later,
Tick