A... uh... Holiday gift from me to my fellow MiSTies - A Voyager Christmas MiSTing
Generic Internet User #27892
Season 2-5.5 Theme Song
1...2...3...4...5...6
(Joel is standing in a bathrobe, next to an obviously fake Christmas tree.
It is totally bare.)
Joel: Hi there and welcome to the Satellite of Love. It's Christmas time and
well, I want the 'bots to share in the joy of decorating a christmas tree,
so they all went to make their own ornaments about an hour ago and I haven't
seen them since...
(Crow enters - stage right with a small bottle in his claw.)
Crow: Hi Joel!
Joel: Hey there little buddy, what do you have there.
Crow: It's my Christmas Tree decoration!
(Joel takes the bottle. He looks it over.)
Joel: Crow, this is just a bottle of salad dressing with a string tied on
it.
Crow: Well... uh... You said we were going to dress the tree right?
Joel: That's not really what I meant...
Magic Voice: Commercial sign in 10 seconds
Crow: Fine! I'll go sulk in my room. (exits)
Joel: Poor guy...
Magic Voice: Comercial sign now
Joel: We'll be right back. (pushes button)
* Commercial Break - Watch reruns of "Dream On" on Comedy Central!*
(Tom and Gypsy are next to Joel and the bare tree)
Joel: Wow Gypsy, this is a beautiful rendition of Richard Basehart made from
cheese.
Gypsy: Aww...
Tom: Ooh! Ooh! Look at mine!
Joel: OK... Wow... it's... it's...
Tom: It's an expression of minimalism! A blank glass sphere! It's a
rebellion against the merchandising of the holidays! Sheesh!
Joel: Well, I'm sorry... I just..
Tom: Can it!
Joel: Go get Crow, Tom... the Madmen of Middle Minnesota are calling.
(Joel pushes button)
Dr. F: Seasons' Greetings, Ninnyhammers! We have a special holiday invention
exchange for you. Frank?
Frank: Hello Joel. How many times have you been enjoying a Christmas dinner
when suddenly one of your family members spills out some disturbing news
like, "Mom, Dad... I'm gay!" or "I've become a Jehova's Witness!", well...
with our new Anti-Depressant injected Ham you don't have to worry about
being riled up. Clay?
Dr. F: Yes, indeed, Joely-Joely-Pudding and Pie. Frank here has eaten a few
slices... lets see him react...
(Dr. F grabs an empty box from off screen)
Dr. F: I ate the last donut, Frank.
Frank: Aww... that's ok.
(Dr F grabs a set of keys from off screen)
Dr. F: I crashed your car.
Frank: Big deal. It's all good.
(Dr. F, slightly annoyed, grabs a small pink fluffy thing from off screen)
Dr. F: I killed NummyMuffin...
Frank: Well, these things... WHAT!
Dr. F: I killed litlle NummyMuffin Coocool Butter
Frank: You bastard! I hope you rot in hell!
(Dr. F stuffs a slice of Ham in Frank's mouth)
Dr. F: Now, it's your turn Joel Proll Moll...
(Joel stand next to the bots holding up a large box wrapped in multicolored
paper. Set in the front is a screen.)
Joel: Well, Dr. F our invention is for those who always want to know what
their gift is ahead of time. It's the Christmas Present X-Ray machine.
(Joel opens the box and inserts a christmas gift)
Tom: This one is little Johnny's video game system!
(Joel swaps gifts)
Crow: And this one from Aunt Rita is underwear. Who would have guessed!
Joel: So what do you think sirs?
(Dr F. is standing holding a few sheets of paper. Frank is in the background
sitting at a table. There is the reminents of a ham on it.)
Dr. F: Very cute... but, now that Frank is heavily medicated I can give you
a little Christmas gift. It's a Star Trek Voyager fanfic about Christmas or
something. It has a character that doesn't exist. Have fun!
(General panic on SOL)
All: FANFIC SIGN!!!!!!!!!
6...5...4...3...2...1!
Disclaimer- I don't own Voyager but I do own Morgan.
Tom: YA HEAR THAT MORGAN! I OWN J00! MUWHAHAHAHA!
Joel: Settle down there Tommy...
Three year old Morgan Janeway skipped down the corridor. Christmas was on
its way.
Crow: Poor diluted sap...
She didn't quit know what they were going to do.
Joel: But it probably involved nearly getting themselves killed by another
alien race.
It would be her first Christmas on Voyager.
Crow: Hey, wait a minute.... She's three years old and it's her first
Christmas on Voyager?
Joel: Of course it is. She's three years old, but this is her first
appearence ever.
Tom: And with luck, her last.
She wondered if Santa knew where she was, would he know that she was in the
Delta Quadrant?
Joel: Of course not honey. Santa's just a figment of your imagination?
Did he deliver presents to the Delta Quadrant? This was some of the many
questions that
Tom: We will answer tonight on 60 Minutes!
she was going to ask her mother.
Tom: oh...
But not now, oh no, not now.
Crow: Why put off till tommorow what you can annoy us with today?
Her mother had been in the most awful mood. Voyager was almost taken over
yesterday and she needed some
time to cool down.
Joel: Her motherboard monitor was peaking at 125 degrees!
Morgan knew this because just this morning she came to say good morning to
her in her
ready room and she kicked her out.
Crow (as Janeway): You are not my child! You're the figment of some demented
fanfic writer's imagination!
Morgan skipped her way into her classroom.
All: La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la (Smurf theme)
The one where her and Naomi get their lessons taught.
Crow: Painfully and harshly...
Joel: This isn't an alt.startrek.creative.erotica fanfic, Crow.
Crow: Awww.
Even though she was three and not yet ready to learn much, she still did.
Tom: Add that annoying bit of cuteness that all non-erotic fanfics require.
" Now, let's begin with a book called " January's Begin." Ensign Blacemore
said.
Crow: This book was reccomended by "Oprah's Book Club" and will soon be a
major motion picture.
He was the one who always taught the children since it seemed that he
couldn't do anything else on that ship.
Joel: Look it's the Barclay of Voyager!
The children take out their PADD'S and Ensign Blacemore started to read it
to them.
Tom (As Blacemore): Uh... January... is uh... the... jeez this is hard...
About 30 minutes later Naomi had to leave because her mother called her.
Tom: Not that it mattered because Ensign Blacemore was stuck on page 2.
It was just Blacemore and Morgan.
Crow: Blacemore stared at Morgan and ...
(Joel clamps Crow's beak shut.)
" Sir, is Santa coming?" Morgan asked, looking pitiful.
" Santa?" Ensign Blacemore asked. " Who is he?"
Crow: Could it be.... SATAN!
Ensign Blacemore wasn't from Earth so he didn't know about Santa but Morgan
didn't know that he didn't
know.
Joel: And He didn't know that she didn't know that he didn't know that...
" Yeah, Santa." Morgan began to have a worried look on her face.
Crow (As Morgan): He gives gifts to the good boys and girls and stones the
bad ones... Mommy said so!
" Morgan, I am not formiliar with Santa."
Tom: or natural dialog
Morgan wasn't the one who could take things and move on.
Joel: She wanted more! More!
" WHAT?" Morgan yelled.
Crow (as Morgan): You don't know me! Nobody knows me!
" Morgan calm down or I will have to call your mother."
Tom (as Morgan): Bring it on, punk!
" Everyone knows about Santa." Morgan said a bit calmer.
Joel: Everyone who's NORMAL anyway.
" Well I don't."
" I'm telling my mommy." Morgan cryied and ran out of the room.
Tom (In a Jewish accent): Mebbe Blacemore is Jewish, eh?
She found her mother in her mother's quarters.
Crow: With Tuvok and Chakotay and wearing nothing
Joel: Crow, not now. Not ever.
Tom: Yeah, Crow... She's only a kid. This isn't an
alt.startrek.creative.erotica fic, ya know!
" Mommy, Morgan cryied again, Mommy is Santa coming this year?"
Joel: No. Now go away, Mommy has to negotiate with the Borg.
Her mother couldn't ignore that face like she had done in the past.
Crow: So she ignored it in a brand new way.
" Honny, of course Santa is coming this year."
Tom: He's a member of an alien species that will attack Voyager tomorrow!
Crow: I am Santa of Borg
Her mother cradled Morgan in her lap.
" Does he know that were here?" Morgan asked.
All (singing): Why are we here? What is life all about? Is God really real?
Or is there some doubt?
" I don't know, but I do know that if you write him a letter, he will make
sure that he stops here first."
Tom: After taking care of all the people on Earth, Mars, and the other
Federation colonies
" O.K." Morgan said. She felt much better now.
Crow: Because she had wet 'em
******************************************************
Joel: Hey Look! It's the ASCII equivelent of a CG Starfield!
It was two day's before Christmas and it looked like
Joel: Someone needs to read a Bob The Angry Flower comic...
no one was in the Christmas sprit. The only sign of
people interested into Christmas were the ones who went to Neelix's
Christmas party.
Tom: And came back stone drunk.
Crow: Yeah, B'lanna hit on Chakotay, Kim wallowed in his own self pity and
Seven of Nine woke up with an ensign!
Morgan had just finished writing her Christmas letter to Santa.
Crow (As Morgan): Dear Santa, I want world peace and for my mommy not to get
Voyager blown up for a month.
And she gave it to her mother to mail.
Joel: But she couldn't because of the postal strike in the Delta Quadrant.
About a day later Morgan and her mother decided to put up a Christmas tree.
Since not all of the people on
board Voyager were human and got into Christmas they just put up one in
Morgan's quarters. They decided
that on Christmas morning their Christmas was going to be in Morgan's
quarters.
Joel: So nobody could see them and become offended.
Tom: It's the Politically Correct Voyager Christmas!
On the night before Christmas every thing was different.
Crow: Different how?
There weren't any decorations up or trees in the
mess hall. There was nothing.
Joel: Except for the Borg Cube coming to attack.
The only sign of Christmas was in Morgan's quarters.
Tom: And what a pathetic sign it was.
Morgan Janeway was about four hours into her slumber when she woke up.
Crow: Ahh, she wet 'em again.
There was a thud on the ceiling of her room. The only thing above her room
was the mess hall. What possibably could be going on in there? She thought
to her self.
Joel: It was probably just Tom and B'lanna sneaking in some sex.
Morgan crept out of the bed and tip toed out of her room and into the
corridors. She knew that if she was
caught at 12:30 in the morning that she would get into troble. But she
didn't care.
All: We don't care either!
She began to run. Run as fast as a three year old could into the turbo lift
and on deck 4. She ran on to the deck and then stopped. The mess hall looked
just like her house at Christmas time.
Tom: Depressingly tacky.
Dicoration's were everywhere.
Joel: I'm not touching that one.
Crow: Can I?
Joel: No.
And there was even a tree up. She could just make out a figure standing in
the corner in front of tons of presents. It was Santa!
Tom: Or an alien invader again.
Morgan thought!
All: ooh!
She ran over to him and was embraced with a hug!
Crow: Then she was dragged away and held for hostage by the Kazon
" HO HO HO! Morgan!" Santa said to Morgan with a big shining smile on his
face.
" Ho Ho Ho to you to Santa!" Morgan said back. " You came you came!"
Tom (as Santa): No I didn't! I'm just a hologram. Ho Ho Ho!
" I would never forget my #1 fan!"
" And I would never forget you Santa!" Morgan said.
" Morgan, it is getting late. I think that you should go to bed now." Santa
said.
" O.K.!" Morgan said, she wouldn't say no to Santa!
Crow: However anyone else and she'd just shoot 'em down.
With in a flash she was in her room sound asleep.
Joel: She's a Q!
On Christmas morning Morgan woke up. Her mother was in a rocking chair
beside the tree.
Tom: With one hell of a hangover.
" Mommy!" Morgan said and hugged her mother. " I saw Santa!"
" Oh did you?" Her mother asked.
" Yep!" Morgan said back.
" Well Santa told me to tell you that he would never forget you. And that
you can always count on him to be
there on Christmas morning."
And with in a flash Santa was standing in front of them
All: Santa's a Q!
Joel: Huh?
Tom: That's it?
Crow: Wow!
Tom: Great! Let's get out of here!
(all exit)
1...2...3...4...5...6
(Bridge - Joel & Bots are standing around a decorated, but tacky artifical
tree.)
Joel: Well that was a breeze!
Crow: I know! Well, now what do we do?
Tom: What else? PRESENTS!
Gypsy: Yaaay!
(Joel gives Bots their gifts)
Crow: Shouldn't they be wrapped?
Joel: Yeah, but then you couldn't open 'em. Your arms don't work.
Crow: Right...
Tom: WOW! I Got a new Head! I can't wait to try it out!
Gypsy: And I got a Richard Basehart Movie! The only one I don't have!
Crow: Thanks Joel! You got me a copy of Quake III!
Tom: But, uh... We didn't get you anything.
(Joel brings bots in close)
Joel: Aww that's OK. You guys keeping me sane is the only gift I need.
All: Aww...
Tom: Uh, the Mads are calling.
(Joel hits button)
(Frank and Dr. F are at the table, stuffed and drugged with the
Anti-Depressant Ham)
Frank: I feel so good, man...
Dr. F: Me too, man...
Frank: I love you, Clay.
Dr. F: I love you too, Frank.
Frank: Aww...
Dr. F: Push the button, Frank.
Frank: I can't I can barely move.
Dr. F: That's OK. We can hit it with these rolls!
Frank: Yaaay!
(Dr. F and Frank throw a few hard rolls at the camera until one hits the
button)
Fin.
Source Material by emisara2000 (and I hope she doesn't mind)
MiSTing by DarKrow
MST3k Characters Copyright 2000 Best Brains Inc.
Star Trek Voyager Copyright 2000 Paramount Pictures Inc.
Offer void in Utah.
Visit #Deep13 on irc.mysteria.net
and Visit www.electricstoat.com/rich
and read The Tongue at www.crosswinds.net/~locdog07/thetongue.html
Stinger:
" I'm telling my mommy."
Thank you for reading. Merry
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