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MST3Kd: THE DIVINE MASTERS (part 2)

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Robert Everett Brunskill

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Oct 14, 1993, 12:17:54 AM10/14/93

This is a never-before-posted mystification of a post by Robert E.
McElwaine. This is the second part. The first part, originally posted
in the spring, was recently reposted. If you missed it, let me know and
I will repost it or send it to you.

G...6...5...4...3...2...1...

Tom: Feeling better Crow?

> RE-INCARNATION
>

Crow: RE-INCARNATION is the MANI-FESTATION of an IN-CLINATION of your
TRANS-PORTAION'$ DES-TINATION.
Joel: He's still a little woozy...
Crow: I'm gettin' better.

> The book "HERE AND HEREAFTER"

Joel: And I know what I'm here after. Yaow!

> , by Ruth Montgomery

Tom: Ward.
Crow: And Jerry Mathers, as, the Beaver!
Joel: How about 'ward' as in 'mental'.
Tom: Ward to yer mother.
Joel: Ward up!
Tom: Wardda ya think?
Crow: Ward you stop that _please_?
Tom: We ward if we could,
Joel: But we can't so we shan't.
Crow: Shut up!
Tom and Joel: Wardever you say!
Crow <shakes his head>: Argh!

> ,
> describes several kinds of evidence supporting REincarnation
> as a FACT OF LIFE,

Tom: What in the _world_ does that mean?
Joel: I think he means that 'Facts of Life' is running in syndication.

> including HYPNOTIC REGRESSIONS

All: I loved it. It was much better than 'Cats'. I'm going to see it
again and again.

> to past
> lives [about 50% accurate;

Crow: A coin toss would be easier...

> the subconscious mind sometimes
> makes things up,

Tom: Of which, this theory is a prime example!

> especially with a bad hypnotist

Joel: Is he implying that there's such a thing as a _good_ hypnotist?

> ],
> SPONTANEOUS RECALL

Crow: Hey! I saw that movie! That was with Arnold Schwartzenegger, right?
Tom: Oh hey, yeah I remember that movie, it was a total nightmare.
Crow: "I'll be back."
Joel: Do you think Arnold believes in reincarnation?

> (especially by young children, some of
> whom can identify their most recent previous relatives,

Tom: How can you have a previous relative?
Joel and Crow: Uh...

> homes,

Joel: I don't see what the big deal is. I can identify where I used to live.

> possessions,

Crow: Oh, like that nice, young girl in 'The Exorcist'.
Tom: And, do your headspins, two, three, four. <Tom and Crow spin their
heads around>

> etc.

Joel: Recent previous etceteras?

> ), DREAM RECALL

> of past life experi-
> ences, DEJA VU

Crow: A nightmare comes true.
Tom: Deja Vu, that feeling you get when you think that you've done
something before. Kinda like in the movie 'Total Recall'.
Crow: Hey! I saw that movie! That was with Arnold Schwartzenegger, right?
Tom: Oh hey, yeah I remember that movie, it was a total nightmare.
Crow: "I'll be back."
Joel: Do you think Arnold believes in reincarnation?
Tom: Deja Vu, that feeling you get when you think that you've done
something before. Kinda like in the movie 'Total Recall'.
Crow: Hey! I saw that, wait a minute.
Tom: Deja Vu, that feeling you get when you think that you've done
something before.
Joel: Stop it.
Tom: Oh wow, deja vu.
Crow: A nightmare comes true.

> (familiarity with a far off land while travel-
> ing there for the first time on vacation

Tom: Gee guys, do think the travel brochures might have had anything to
do with it?

> ), the psychic read-
> ings of the late EDGAR CAYCE

Joel: That Edgar, he never got anywhere on time.
Crow: Dead psychic. Best kind.
Joel: Hey, be nice. Even if he is a nut cayce.

> , and EVEN SUPPORTING STATEMENTS
> FROM

Crow: SATAN!

> THE CHRISTIAN BIBLE

All <various quotes>: Oh, not the Bible again! Must we? What's with
this guy and Bibles? Oh, must we?

> including Matthew 17:11-13 (John the
> Baptist was

Tom: A Baptist?

> the REINCARNATION

Crow: RE-INCARNATION of the EMAN-CIPATION PROC-LAMATION is the
MANI-FESTATION of an IN-CLINATION of your TRANS-PORTAION'S
DES-TINATION'S OCCU-PATION.
Tom: Oh, would you please?

> of Elias.

Joel: Elaine Elias? The musician?
Tom: No, no, no, he means one of the Elias brothers, owners of fancy
restaurants.
Crow: Then wouldn't they be the RE-INCARNATION of John and not the
other was around?
Joel and Tom: But this is McElwaine we're talking about.
Crow: True.

> ) and John 9:1-2 (How
> can a person POSSIBLY

Tom: Believe this garbage?

> sin before he is born, unless he

Crow: Is a total dickweed.

> LIVED
> BEFORE?!

All: BEFORE WHAT?!

> ). [ ALWAYS use the "KING JAMES VERSION". Later
> versions are PER-VERSIONS! ]

Crow: Joel, is that a joke?
Joel: I'm not sure.
Tom: It better be.
Crow: I'm scared.

>
> Strong INTERESTS, innate TALENTS,

Joel: Or lack thereof.

> strong PHOBIAS, etc.,
> typically originate from a person's PAST LIVES.

Crow: Once a dickweed, always a dickweed.

> For example,
> a strong fear of swimming in or traveling over water usually
> results from

Tom: Being a vampire.

> having DROWNED at the end of a PREVIOUS LIFE.

Crow: How about the middle?
Joel: Or, if they were a Baptist in a previous life, the beginning.

> And sometimes a person will take AN IMMEDIATE DISLIKE to
> another person being met for the first time in THIS life,
> because of

Tom: Stupid racial discrimination.

> a bad encounter with him during a PREVIOUS
> INCARNATION.

Joel: Instant breakfast!
Crow: You're gonna hate it in an instant.

>
> The teaching of REincarnation

Tom: Oh, I know! I see why he likes the concept of reincarnation!
Crow: Why?
Tom: I'll tell you next life.

> also includes the LAW OF
> KARMA (Galatians 6:7, Revelation 13:10, etc.).

Joel: Another one of the 'lost commandments'. Eleven was 'Thou shalt
not use UPC scanners', the twelfth was 'What goes around shalt come
around'.

> People would
> behave much better toward each other if they knew that their
> actions in the present will surely be reaped by them in the
> future, or in a FUTURE INCARNATION!

Tom: But Joel, if this is the future incarnation of a previous life...
Joel: Yes.
Tom: And we've already taken certain actions in that previous life...
Joel: Uh huh.
Tom: And now, in this life, we're reliving those certain actions...
Crow: Oh! Would you get to the point?
Tom: Aren't we already doomed to repeat those certain actions, and
unable to, as Mr. McElwaine would have it, "behave much better"?
Joel: You don't remember how I answered that in your last life?
Tom: Well, no, not really.
Joel: Neither do I.

>
>
>
> "2nd COMINGS"
>
> If a Divine Master physically dies ("translates")

Joel: What does translating have to do with death?

> before a particular Initiate of His does,

Joel: Does what? Translates something?
Crow: Don't tell me they're translating this farce to other languages?!

> then when that
> Initiate physically dies ("translates"),

Joel: WHAT ARE YOU TRANSLATING?

> the Master will meet
> him on the Astral level and take him directly to the Soul
> Plane.

Joel: <Sings> On the Soul Plane! It's the Soul Plane!

> This is the ONE AND ONLY correct meaning of a 2nd
> Coming.

Tom: Gee, I thought it meant that they come back.

> It is an INDIVIDUAL experience,

Joel: That involves two people?

> NOT something that
> happens for everyone all at once. People who are still
> waiting for Jesus' "2nd Coming" are WAITING IN VAIN.

Crow: The plane of pain is ruled by...
All: McElwaine!

>
>
>
> PLANES OF EXISTENCE

Tom: The Seven-Forty-Seven's of reality.

>
> The physical universe is the LOWEST of at least a DOZEN
> major levels of existence.

Tom: More or less...
Crow: I vote less.

> Above the Physical Plane is

Joel: ...Including, but not limited to...

> the
> Astral Plane, the Causal Plane, the Mental Plane, the Etheric
> Plane (often counted as the upper part of the Mental Plane),
> the Soul Plane, and several higher Spiritual Planes.

Tom: The plain plane.
Crow: The air plane.
Joel: The McElwaine plane.
Tom: The not quite as plain as the plain plane.
Crow: The recalled plane.
Joel: The plain pizza.

> The
> Soul Plane is the FIRST TRUE HEAVEN, (counting upward from
> the Physical

Crow: Heh! McElwaine can count!
Tom: One, Two, Five!
Joel: That's three.
Tom: Right! Three!

> ). The planes between (but NOT including)

Tom: Would somebody please tell him what the word 'between' means!

> the
> Physical and Soul Planes are called the Psychic Planes.

Crow: Also known as Mickey _Daines'_ planes.

> It is likely that ESP

Crow: 'Elwaine's Silly Planes...
Tom: 'Elwaine's Soliloquy Pains...
Joel: Extraordinarily Stupid Persons.

> , telepathy, astrological
> influences

Joel: Just think, guys, the reflection off of the Satellite of Love is
probably messing up thousands of astrological projections.

> , radionic effects, biological transmutations

Crow: He appears to be a scholar on the subject.
Tom: Well, that's a first.

> [See
> the 1972 book with that title.]

Joel: A book called "It is likely that ESP, telepathy, astrological
influences, radionic effects, biological transmutations"?

> , and other phenomena without
> an apparent physical origin

Tom: I'd call radiation and geneology 'physical' in origin.
Crow: It's not half as fun as getting there.
Joel: Hey! Crow!

> , result from INTERACTIONS between
> the Psychic Planes and the Physical Plane.

Crow: I just love it when those psychics get physical!
Joel: Crow!

> The major planes are also SUB-DIVIDED. For example, a
> sub-plane of the Astral Plane is called "Hades"

Tom: Which, when translated, means 'McElwaine's Place.'
Joel: Oh, I see. It's McHellwaine.

> , and the
> Christian Hell occupies a SMALL part of it,

Crow: His closet.

> created there
> LESS THAN 2000 YEARS AGO

Joel: Well, It would have to be less than two-thousand years ago to be
_Christian_.

> by the EARLY CATHOLIC CHURCH

Tom: Of the immaculate construction.

> by some
> kind of black

Tom: And Decker.

> magic or by simply teaching its existence in a
> THREATENING manner.

Crow: Does this mean they were coming out of the closet?

> The Christian "Heaven" is located

Tom: No where near my house.

> elsewhere on the Astral Plane. Good Christians will go there
> for a short while and then REincarnate back to Earth.

Joel: So, I guess this means that either way you lose.

>
>
> SOUND CURRENT vs. BLIND FAITH

Tom: Tonight on HBO Boxing it's the fight for the light-brain class title.
Crow: In this corner, weighing in at an I.Q. of 42, it's Robert 'the
wrong guy' McHellwaine!
Joel: Okay, you know the rules; no thinking above the shoulders, and
when the bell rings come out posting.

>
> The Christian religion demands of its followers an
> extraordinary amount of BLIND FAITH backed up by little more
> than GOOD FEELING

Joel: Bwoww-chick-a-bwoww-woww.

> (which is TOTALLY DECEIVING).

All: Booo!

> If a person is not HEARING some form of the "SOUND
> CURRENT"

Tom: They are deaf.

> ("THE WORD"

Joel: How are we supposed to know what it is if he won't tell us?
Crow: Ahh, you said it! I said it! Ahh, I said it again!

> , "THE BANI"

Tom <Singing>: My Bani Lies over the ocean, my Bani lies over the sea...

> , "THE AUDIBLE LIFE STREAM"),

Joel: Now available on CD and cassette from Columbia House.

> then his cycles of REINCARNATION in this MISERABLE world WILL
> CONTINUE.

Crow: My, he has such a cheerful and friendly disposition.

> The "SOUND CURRENT" manifests differently for different
> Initiates

Joel: Into the gang!

> , and can sound like a rushing wind

Crow: Break like the wind.

> , ocean waves on
> the sea shore, buzzing bees

Tom: Killer bees for Jesus.

> , higher-pitched buzzing sound

Joel: Oh, Mr. B Natural.

> , a
> flute, various heavenly music, or other sounds

Crow: Such as dark evil voices of those you have wronged calling out to
you from beyond the grave.

> In Eckankar,

Joel: Gesundheit.

> Members start hearing it near the end of their first year as
> a Member. This and other experiences (such as "SOUL TRAVEL")
> REPLACE

Tom: All signs of common sense.

> blind faith.
>
>
>
> For more information,

All: No!

> answers to your questions, etc.,

Crow: How can one man be so stupid?
Joel: What's the meaning of life?
Tom: How much wood would a wood-chuck chuck if a wood-chuck could chuck wood?
Crow: Why, Why, Why, WHY?

> please consult my CITED SOURCES (3 books, 2 addresses).

Tom: Which three books you moron?
Crow: Heh, how do you cite an address, dickweed?
Joel: I wouldn't ask him, you guys. He might actually answer.
Tom and Crow: Arrrggghhh!!!

>
>
>
> UN-altered REPRODUCTION and DISSEMINATION of this
> IMPORTANT Information is

Crow: Unavailable...
Tom: Unnecessary...
Joel: Pure, simple EVIL!

> ENCOURAGED.
>
>
> Robert E. McElwaine

Joel: Come on guys, we'd better go, that looks like a signature.
Crow: Well it's about time!

> 2nd Initiate in Eckankar,
> (but not an agent thereof)

Tom: I don't believe in what they teach, but I fully support and
advertise their cause!
Joel: Come on, Tom.

1...2...3...4...5...6...G...

Joel: Feeling better now Crow?
Crow: Yes, I feeel muuuch better now...
Joel: Crow? What's wrong with you?
Crow: Noothing, I feeel gooood.
Joel: Crow? Crow! What's the matter? What's wrong?!
Tom: Iiis there somethiiing wroong?
Joel: Tom? You too?
Crow: Buuut I feeel FI-ne.
Joel: You're starting to McElwaine-out again!
Crow: AM I?
Tom: HE is?
Joel: Stop it guys.
Crow: Stop WHAT Joel? Stop the COM-munists from TAKING over the world?
Tom: Stop the IN-herent WRONG$ and MI$-TAKE$ of civilization by POST-ing?
Bots: WE will DO our BE$T!

Joel: Don't do this to me man! You've got to hold on! We can fight
it! Together!

Crow: Whoa, boy did you fall for it man. You should have seen the look
on your face.
Tom: That was rich!
Joel: Well that's the last time I worry myself over another bot.
Tom: You know, I'm really not feeling too well though.
Joel: Sure Tom.
Tom: No, I mean it. What's that buzzing noise?
Crow: Come on Tom, lets not over-do it.
Tom: I hear rushing wind? Is there a draft.
Crow: We're in space Tom.
Tom: No, it sounds more like waves on an ocean shore.
Joel: Look Tom, just stop it.
Tom: Bees! I hear bees!
Crow: Joel's right Tom, this is getting stupid.
Tom: Whoa, the room is starting to shake, it feels like my soul is
lifting out of my body....
Joel: Tom, you don't have a soul.
Tom: Aaaaaiiiiiiaaaaa...... <Tom starts to shake visibly>
Crow: Whoa! Cool!
Joel: Tom! Tom? What's wrong?
Tom: I feel, I feeell.....
Crow: The sins of your past lives returning to full fill your cycle of
retribution?

Joel: Eeewwww.....
Tom: That's better.
Crow: Cool, do it again.

Dr.F: OK Frank, how about this, "In Japanese folklore, what happens to
you when someone is talking to you?"

Frank: Oh that's easy, you sneeze.

Dr.F: Frank, that's.... WRONG!

<Dr.F presses the shocker button before Frank can say anything.>

Dr.F: Oh, Joel. Finish the post? Good. Guess that's all for now, push
the button Frank.

Dr.F: Push the button Frank.

Frank: Your turn Dr. Forrester!

\ | /
\|/
---O---
/|\
/ | \

Credits:

MSTified by Rob Brunskill and Jeff Schaffer
Disclaimer: MST3K and related characters/settings/situations are the
property of BBI, however they had nothing to do with writing this up.
This mystification was done for the express purpose of entertainment,
and is not meant as a personal attack on the original author(s) in any
way.

Rob

----
Robert E. McElwaine:
> [ ALWAYS use the "KING JAMES VERSION". Later
> versions are PER-VERSIONS! ]
----

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