MiSTing: Katira's Tale, part 7
Amanda Van Rhyn
> including me, except herself. She would run away and hide, scaring the
> people who housed her half to death.
CROW: But I thought they didn’t care... oh, to hell with the
continuity at this point.
> She slipped dead insects into people’s food and drinks. She was the
> worst little scamp imaginable!” finished Meg, laughing until tears came
> to her eyes.
> “Were you really that bad, Kat?” asked Herc.
> “Oh yes, and much worse sometimes,” she answered,
TOM: <Katira> Hehe. Remember the time I got the kids to whitewash the
Acropolis for me?
> blushing slightly. Now, it was hard for Herc to imagine Katira as a
> child. Yes, she had stolen a few times in his presence, but some things
> didn’t seem at all like the Katira he knew now! Katira played with her
> curls, remembering her mischievous deeds.
MIKE: She's a member of the Gorgeous Ladies of Petty Thievery!
> “Then, you left Corinth, Katira, and I didn’t see you again until we
> were fifteen,” continued Meg.
> “Yeah, it had been about nine years until we saw the likes of each
> other again. You’d changed quite a bit when I returned to Corinth, Meg.
> I was different too. I wasn’t quite as roguish then, I was more or less
> a simple street urchin,” agreed Katira.
CROW: <Marlin Perkins> Observe as the common street urchin regrows
its dangerous spines for the next predator attack...
> “Ha! A street urchin who couldn’t keep a male eye off her, I say.
MIKE: <Katira> Well, in retrospect, the relationship with Fagin was a
big mistake...
> Even in that old cloak of yours, you had the attention of every
> Corinthian boy around. It was amazing how a ragged, penniless street rat
> could be so pretty when she was dirt-smudged and never even combed her
> hair,” added Meg, teasingly contemptuous. Katira grinned at the comment,
> but soon the smiles of both girls faded. They knew what had happened
> next, and weren’t exactly eager to discuss it.
TOM: Don’t feel obliged to do it on our behalf, girls! Go ahead, make
the fanfic shorter!
> “And now, it’s been another three years since the last time we met,”
> finished Katira, skipping over the unmentionable event that was burned
> all too clearly into the girls’ minds.
> “I guess you two have been together or a long time,” remarked Herc,
> since apparently the remembering of the old days was over for the moment.
CROW: Thank you for bearing with our Flashback Hell turbulence,
ladies and gentlemen. Thank you for flying Fanfic Airlines.
> Perfect Katira
MIKE: Perfect Katira? Any relation to the Disturbing, Flawed, Skanky
Katira we know so well?
> smiled and shrugged her one shoulder in agreement, and also lovely
CROW: <singing> Rita, Meter Maid...
> Meg gave a slight nod. Katira glanced out the window, only to discover
> it was just past sunset. The day seemed to have passed quickly to her.
> Meg had noticed Katira looking out the window, and figured it was about
> time for dinner, especially since she knew Herc hadn’t eaten much that
> day.
TOM: How, via telepathy?
> “Who’s up for some food? I think we’ve got some lentils, I know
> there’s some pilaf, there’s a jar of olives somewhere around here, and a
> couple other things,” offered Meg. Herc looked up eagerly, and Katira’s
> mouth watered at the sound of a good, hot meal, something she hadn’t seen
> for a long, long time. Meg found everything she’d said, plus a few more
> things, and spread them out on the long dining room table. When Katira
> sat down, her eyes nearly popped out of their sockets. Katira saw eats
> she’d nearly forgotten existed: rich, steaming avgolemono!
CROW: O no, not avgolem!
TOM: Lame-O.
> Juicy, succulent kokoretsi!
MIKE: Other random arrangements of consonants and vowels!
> Feta-stuffed olives and lentils! Spiced pilaf! Honey-dipped
> pomegranates! Katira’s eyes shone like stars at the sight of it. She’d
> never seen such a banquet! If she was going to stay here for a while,
> she hoped every meal was like this. To Katira’s own annoyance, having
> been adapted to meager meals on the go, often several days apart, she
> discovered she could eat little in comparison to her host and hostess,
> for her delicate body couldn’t adjust right away to a large meal.
TOM: Believe it or not, that sentence is actually *not* running on.
It’s just an incredible simulation.
> Still, Katira enjoyed it, and happily ate her fill, which only she
> noticed to be about half of her friends’. Afterwards, all three chatted
> for some time, and then Katira was shown to the room she’d be staying in.
> It was too wonderful to be true! Or at least it seemed that way to Katira.
> First, there had been an enormous dinner, and now, her own room! It was
> a big room too, with almost anything a young peasant could hope for in a
> bedchamber.
CROW: <Katira> Fresh straw! With no dead rats! A paradise!
> In a way, Katira felt like one of the great Grecian princesses,
MIKE: As opposed to, say, all those Celtic princesses she might have
heard about.
> rather than just a rag-tag rogue, who wasn’t even worth enough to be
> considered one of the Plebeian society that consisted of the poorer sect
> of Greeks.
TOM: Well, she even got disowned by the Kender. Now *that’s* sad.
> Graciously, Katira sank into the large, soft bed, and fell fast asleep.
> Sunrise came, and yet, Katira did not notice. Blissfully, she slept
> on, dreaming that she was a great princess, so great, that even the famed
> Helen, wife of King Menelaus, was forgotten.
CROW: Ah, that wonderful dreamworld known as Author-Avatar-Land.
> More hours slipped away, and Hercules was surprised that Katira, who
> generally was up at dawn, wasn’t awake. He decided to waken her, and so
> went off to her room. He almost reconsidered when he saw Katira asleep,
> a soft smile on her lips, her dark curls spilling over her body and
> blankets, looking simply the image of beauty. He smiled at his little
> Sleeping Beauty,
TOM: No, fanfic... no crossover... please dear god no.
> and went to wake her up anyway.
> “Katira. Katira, come on. Kat, it’s time to get up,” he said
> softly, nudging her. He stroked her hair a little too, and found it was
> sticky and damp.
MIKE: A sad parable that would be told in all Basic Hygiene 101
classes for millennia...
> When he brought his hand back, his fingertips were slightly red.
> Katira’s hair had been soaked with blood!
CROW: And this couldn’t be shown by, say, redness in the hair itself?
> Katira’s smoke-blue eyes flickered open, and she sat up dazed. As she
> rose, Herc noticed there was no evidence of blood anywhere else, nor did
> Katira appear to be wounded or injured.
MIKE: So... Katira sleeps with a stage-blood capsule under her pillow?
> He glanced at his hand again, and discovered that the blood was gone,
> although he’s done nothing to clean it off.
CROW: And he’s also done nothing to predict a sudden tense change.
> Katira’s hair had regained its sheen, and was no longer bloody.
> “Hmm? Oh, hi, Herc. Gee, this is a pleasant change, isn’t it?” she
> teased as she reluctantly got out of bed. She followed Herc to the sunny
> breakfast nook, and found Meg with breakfast ready and waiting for them.
> Katira smiled. She knew she was going to like it here. It was as large
> a meal as the dinner last night, and Katira was surprised that this was
> done regularly. To her, large meals rarely came to the table. Most were
> eat-and-run, and scarcely more than a few crumbs and bones.
TOM: All right... who forgot to take notes the *first* time this was
mentioned? The fanfic has a strict curriculum to uphold, and it can’t
repeat itself over and over... that would impede the plot devel...
oh, wait, never mind.
> “So, what’s on the agenda today?” asked Meg, clearing the table when
> they were done. Katira’s eyes gleamed.
> “Would a trip to the agora be okay?” she asked eagerly, fingering her
> ute.
CROW: Eeeewww... at the kitchen table?
MIKE: Oh, Crow, buddy, you were so close. All those RAMchips, gone...
CROW: Wahh?? Noo!!!
TOM: Haw haw!
MIKE: And you both used to be doing *so* well.
> Thebes was a little bigger than Athens, so she might get even more tips
> than before from her playing.
TOM: <in his Packers-fan-type voice> I got a tip for ya: You SUCK!!!
CROW: <similar voice> Yeah!! Get a music lesson, lady!
> Hopefully, she looked at her friends, her eyes begging for their consent.
> “I suppose it would be fine,” said Herc with a shrug. Katira fairly
> glowed when she heard the words. She carefully made sure her flute and
> pouch were tucked just so in her belt,
MIKE: Now *that’s* an image I just didn’t need.
CROW: You know, Mike, you’re right. This *has* tought me something.
Even though my RAMchips are gone, and I have full freedom again, I
consider a comment on that line beneath my dignity.
MIKE: Good to hear that. You still aren’t getting any RAMchips,
buuuuddy.
CROW: Doh!
> and she also checked to make sure her accumulating gold was safely secured
> in her pack. Then, she joined her comrades,
TOM: Her comrades? So now it’s set in a Greece ruled by Big Brother?
> and the trio headed for the Thebian agora. As Katira expected, it was
> bigger than the Athenian one. When she found a suitable street corner,
> she whipped out her flute and started playing. In a single song, she
> received a handsome amount of money. Then, Katira looked at Meg, and
> both girls’ eyes sparkled.
> “Do you remember the old routine?” asked Katira slyly.
> “How could I forget?” countered Meg. Katira struck up another tune,
> and then Meg began to sing along with it.
MIKE: And dogs suddenly drop dead *miles* away!
> Together, it was a show-stopping performance, and the duet’s feet were
> almost lost in the money. When the song was over, Katira curtsied, and
> Meg did as well, after a sharp elbow from Katira.
> “Encore!” shouted the crowd. Meg and Kat exchanged looks, and Katira
> and Megara did another. The gold doubled, and the crowd wanted still
> more. The duo kept going, until both girls were out of breath, and were
> up to their knees in wealth from the adoring listeners. Katira shooed
> them away, and when the crowds were about their business again, Meg and
> Kat stepped out of the pile of gold.
> “Well, great. Now how do we carry it home?”
CROW: Finally, this fanfic admits the existence of physics.
> asked Kat. Then an idea came to her. Since she had brought along her
> recently mended cloak, she spread it on the ground, put all the gold on
> it, and tied it into a tremendous sack of riches. Unfortunately, it was
> too heavy for her to lift it. Meg helped her, and still they couldn’t
> pick it up! They looked at Herc expectantly. He lifted it effortlessly,
> and was unofficially elected the one to carry it by his two lady friends.
> The crowds watched somewhat sadly as the musicians left. They had
> gathered much gold, and certainly much attention, particularly a shadowy
> figure in a nearby alley.
TOM: Oh no, it’s the Infy! Get invis!
MIKE: I’m not even going to ask, little bot.
TOM: Good.
> “So, my lovelies, you have returned,” murmured none other than
> *Anticlus*!
CROW: Are we supposedly to know who this person is? Or did Erato
just feel like italics?
> Megara and Katira, the two hearts he had broken,
CROW: Oh, he’s That Guy they talked about a lot. All explained now.
Thanks.
> remained unaware of him as they continued through the agora. Anticlus
> followed the girls as casually as he could. Megara didn’t notice him,
> and neither did Hercules, but Katira distinctly felt an odd and
> overwhelming presence nearby. She shivered, and moved closer to Herc.
> Every so often, usually in times of difficulty or stress, she became
> psychic.
MIKE: And the avatar powers just keep coming!
> Katira figured this was because she was so godlike, and because
TOM: She was bitten by a radioactive Dionne Warwick?
> when she was four she had swallowed an oracle’s potion by accident, and
> was given these incredible powers.
TOM: Oh.
> All the same, she couldn’t shake that feeling, and it kept growing more
> and more persistent.
> “Meg? You feel that?” asked Katira, squirming under the pressure from
> whatever it was.
> “Feel what?” asked Meg absently.
> “Did I miss something?” wondered Herc, looking between them.
> “No, honey, I don’t think so. I’m just feeling a little...well, I’m
> not quite feeling myself right now,” answered Katira. Herc was getting
> used to being called “honey” by Katira, since it was a common dub
CROW: Is 'dub' a noun?
TOM: It is now!
> Katira gave her friends.
MIKE: Not to mention that which the fanfic author gives her friends...
CROW: Mike, do you hear that?
MIKE: No... what is it?
CROW: Oh, nothing. Just the fourth wall dissolving.
> She probably got it from the Muses, since she was the daughter if one of
> them.
> “So, the great Hercules has both so-called “Katira” and Megara in his
> heart. Well, I’m sorry my friend, but you can’t have them both. You’ll
> have to pick just one,”
TOM: Nonono! He can’t! That would develop plot!
> muttered Anticlus cunningly, his lips twisting into a cruel smile.
CROW: Ah, I see, he’s the obligatory Overwrought
Obviously-Evil-to-a-Three-Year-Old Disney Villain. A little late for
him to enter the story though.
> Anticlus had originally come back for Megara, who he still felt a sort
> of love for, and yet when he saw Katira, he felt a powerful lust for
> Kat. Now, he, too, would have to pick which he wanted, and leave
> Hercules with the other. Even though Anticlus was still feeling the ache
> over losing Meg, he decided he’d rather have Katira, for Kat was far
> prettier, better skilled, partially god, and had many other wonderful
> qualities,
MIKE: <singing to the tune of They Might Be Giants’ “Particle Man”>
Avatar Girl, Avatar Girl, does everything the author wants her to...
TOM: I just figured out the perfect punishment for Katira! A three-way
deathmatch against Davey Kintobor and Marissa!
CROW: Oh? I was thinking a blind date with Oscar myself.
> despite the fact that the ache over losing Katira no longer existed. A
> plan began to form in his mind to take Katira back. Herc wasn’t so
> decisive over the girls. He didn’t want to lose either one, but knew
> perfectly well he couldn’t keep both. True, Katira would be the likelier
> choice, but it was for Meg that he had given up the chance of remaining a
> god.
TOM: But... even according to the *movie* he was un-godded really
early! Oh, wait a second, I’m complaining about continuity again.
Silly me.
> Time passed, and eventually the three went home, finishing the evening
> in the usual way, but Katira’s dreams were far different that night. In
> fact, they were almost horrifying to her.
> It was a sunny day in her dream, and she was dressed in a lovely
> bridal gown, awaiting her marriage to Hercules. Katira smiled in her
> sleep at this part, for it meant Herc was probably going to pick her.
CROW: You know, there’s foreshadowing as a carefully used and metered
plot device in good fiction... and then there’s this.
> The dream wedding went smoothly, until the couple were about to seal their
> vows. Megara, who was Katira’s bridesmaid in the ceremony, suddenly
> shouted out to the young bride, and shoved her down so that Katira was
> rescued from a flaming sword.
TOM: Oh, the Freudian symbolism.
> A dark figure came out of some shadows, and kidnapped Katira from the
> altar, jumping off the side of the mountain.
MIKE: What mountain? Or is this more Freud stuff rearing its ugly head?
> Katira was drowning in a briny, green pool of liquid, turning translucent.
CROW: Like by the scuzz, die by the scuzz.
> Then, a scene of a garden appeared, and there stood a marble statue,
> faceless, near a large hole.
> Katira woke up, and sat bolt upright, choking back a scream. The
> sheets clung to her sweat-soaked body, and Katira began to shake and
> tremble violently in her
MIKE: Delerium tremens?
> fear,
MIKE: Oh.
> her eyes wide, her skin turning a sickly, pale grey with terror. For
> hours, she sat like this in the moonlight streaming in through the
> window, unable to fall asleep again. After some time, an eternity to
> Katira, the sun rose, and Katira got up. Katira put on a red velvet
> dress she had bought the preceding day, for her white satin was still
> wet with perspiration. Then Katira went down for breakfast, where Meg
> was preparing the meal.
> “Oh, good morning,
CROW: <Megara> Man-stealing good-for-nothing scummy houseguest from
Hades!
> Katira,” she said, as Kat walked into the kitchen.
> “Hi Meg,” replied Katira, her tone somewhat hollow, and her words
> absent. Katira looked exquisite in her red gown, but her skin was still
> the frightened grey, and she seemed rather like a walking zombie
TOM: Well, it *is* still 1916 in her head, in her head, they are
fighting. With their tanks, and their bombs, and their bombs, and
their guns, in her head, in her head, they are fighting...
> instead of her usual, perky self. Meg began to worry about her friend,
> for clearly, something was wrong with poor Kat. Katira, feeling weak and
> still somewhat shaken, sat down rather heavily in a chair.
> “Katira? Are you feeling okay? Would you like something quick to
> eat?” asked Meg, concerned over Kat’s unusual behavior.
> “No, I’ll be fine.
MIKE: <Megara> Are you sure, honey? We can get you a nice Pop-Pita.
> I’m not very hungry right now, so don’t mind me or do anything special
> for me,” answered Katira wearily, resting her head on her hands. Herc
> walked into the kitchen.
> “Hi Meg. Hi Kat. Say, Kat, is something wrong? You look like a
> zombie or something.
TOM: <Katira> You would too if it was still 1916 in your head! With
their tanks, and their bombs...
MIKE: We get the idea, buddy. You can stop singing the Cranberries now.
> What happened?” he wanted to know, also concerned about Kat.
> “I’ll be okay. I had a little trouble sleeping last night, that’s
> all. Really. I’m fine. Honest,” answered Kat, her voice croaking
> slightly. The truth was, she was scared half-way stiff, and had no
> intentions of telling her dream. She feared it meant something horrible
> was going to happen to her, Meg, and Herc,
CROW: Ah, the foreshadowing applied with a spatula...
> and she didn’t want them to get hurt or anything like that. The day
> continued, and despite not eating breakfast, Katira eventually perked and
> pinked back up into her normal self, even though she remained more or
> less troubled.
> During the late afternoon, the three were sitting outside in a
> sculpture garden, enjoying each other’s company, and chatting leisurely.
TOM: You know, Erato, there’s something called ‘dialogue’ that helps
with scenes like this.
> Then, Katira went grey again, a ghastly wave of dread flowing over her.
> A man in a dark cloak stood in the garden, facing all three.
MIKE: <Katira> Silly Radagast! What are you doing *here*?
> Meg turned the same color as Katira when she saw him. Herc grew alarmed,
> and was ready to fight off the stranger.
> “Anticlus,” breathed both maidens in unison,
MIKE: Oh, it’s that plot-development guy. What’s he doing in this
story again?
> scarcely above a whisper. The man pushed back his hood, and grinned at
> the group, especially Meg and Kat.
> “Don’t be afraid,” he said,
CROW: <Anticlus> This isn’t *contagious* or anything, it’s just a
genetic skin disease...
> “I’ve only come for my future bride.” Anticlus advanced toward Meg and
> Katira, but Herc suddenly stood in his path like a brick wall.
> “Leave them alone,” ordered the hero fiercely.
MIKE: Let me guess... the next line from one of the girls is ‘Unhand
me, you cad!’.
> Anticlus simply smiled again, taunting Herc.
TOM: <Anticlus> Nyah nyaaah, I have basic facial expressions and you
don’t!
> Meg and Katira huddled close in fright. They knew what he had done, and
> what he could do.
> “Oh, now is that so, Hercules? What are you going to do with them,
> hmm? You can’t marry both of them, so you’d best pick your favorite.
> Here, I’ll make it easy for you,” sneered Anticlus,
CROW: Mike, can Anticlus get away with lines like that?
MIKE: Yeah! Look at his resume; he’s had bit parts as James Bond
henchmen and all sorts of things. He can do those lines.
> darting over to the girls, and snatching Katira’s pale wrist. Hercules
> was uncomfortable.
TOM: Yes, Erato, that *is* description. Just not the right kind.
> What he said was true, but he wasn’t about to lose either girl to
> Anticlus, especially not dear, sweet Katira, who had been so kind to him
> in his time of difficulty at Athens.
ALL: <chanting> No flashback! No flashback!
> She had offered all she had to him selflessly. Could he let her go now?
ALL: Whew! No flashback!
> “Anticlus, please, leave me alone!” pleaded Katira, her eyes
> radiating her fear.
CROW: Katira - now available with space-child eyeballs!