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MiSTing: Star Trek and Babylon 5 are DEAD! Long Live STARSHIP TROOPERS and the (real) Federation's Mobile Infantry!

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Matthew R Blackwell

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Nov 16, 1997, 3:00:00 AM11/16/97

Mystery Usenet Theater 3000: Star Trek and Babylon 5 are DEAD! Long
Live STARSHIP TROOPERS and the (real) Federation's Mobile Infantry!

MiSTed by Matt Blackwell (mbla...@ix.netcom.com)
Source material by ryan...@erols.com

<SoL Bridge. We see a closeup of Tom, who is carrying a roll of crepe
paper.>
Tom: Oh, hi everybody! Here on the Satellite of Love, we’re throwing
a celebration in honor of the wedding of Worf and Jadzia Dax. And...
[Looks around] Hey guys!

[The scene pulls back. We see Mike and Crow staring intently at a TV
on the bridge’s counter.]
Mike: [Not looking up.] Huh?
Tom: You’re supposed to be helping me with getting ready for the
party.
Crow: [Not looking up.] What party?
Tom: Worf and Dax are getting married on Deep Space Nine! We’re
celebrating this!
Mike: [Furrows his brow, but still doesn’t look up.] Is that show
still on the air?
Tom: Yes, it’s still on the air!
Crow: [Not looking up] Come on, Crow. That show’s passe. Mike and I
are
watching the hot new series Earth: Final Conflict.
Tom: <snort> Come on, what’s so good about that show? [He walks around
to view the TV screen.] <pause> Is that Majel Barrett?
Mike: [Still not looking up] Yep.
Tom: [Looking at TV] Why is her head bald?
Crow: [Not looking up] We have no idea.
Tom: [Looking at TV] Huh.
[They all stare at the TV is silence. After a few seconds, the mads
light begins to flash. Mike notices it a few seconds later.]
Mike: Uh,oh. Xena, Herc, and Sinbad are calling. [He hits the light]

[The Widowmaker]
Observer: [mumbling] We could have had that E:FC gig. But, no. My
agent says, "Forget that show. There’s a puppet show in Minnesota that
need aliens."
Pearl: Knock it off Brain Guy. [She turns to the screen] Hello, Mike.
We’ve got a special treat for you today. It’s a long rant that was
crossposted to most of the Star Trek groups. It involves someone who’s
defending Starship Troopers, for some inexplicable reason. It’s
called "Star Trek and Babylon 5 are DEAD! Long Live STARSHIP TROOPERS
and the (real) Federation's Mobile
Infantry!" Good luck.

<SoL>
Mike: AHHHHH!!! WE’VE GOT NET.KOOK SIGN!
[The usual panic ensues.]

[6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...]

[Mike, Tom, and Crow enter the theater.]

>220 71458 <34650e3...@news.erols.com> article
>Path: ix.netcom.com!zdc!super.zippo.com!lotsanews.com!su-news-
>hub1.bbnplanet.com!cpk-news-
>hub1.bbnplanet.com!news.bbnplanet.com!howland.erols.net!feed1.news.erols.
>com!winter.news.erols.com!not-for-mail
>From: ryan...@erols.com (MKSheppard)

Tom: Chuck Norris is "ryanwolf" McCabe.

Mike: Wow. I think that's every Star Trek newsgroup.
Crow: Nah. They left out alt.deanna-troi.pant.pant.pant.
Mike: Crow, we need to have a little talk. Soon.

>Subject: Star Trek and Babylon 5 are DEAD! Long Live STARSHIP
>TROOPERS and the (real) Federation's Mobile Infantry!

Tom:<British accent> Here in the jungles of Ceylon, we are on the
trail of the dangerous troll. As we can see from the signs of
destruction, one has recently passed through here.

>Date: Sun, 09 Nov 1997 01:21:46 GMT
>Organization: The Forces of Senseless Violence & Destruction (TM)

All: <Snicker.>
Mike: I bet he brags to people about his 78 th level drow
paladin/assassin too.

>I just got back from watching what is truly the "Star Wars" of the
>90's.

Crow: Wow! Star Wars Special Edition is still in the theaters?
Tom: I think that he's talking about Ulee's Gold.
Mike: No, he's obviously talking about Agent Action!

>Star Trek and Babylon 5 were dead the moment 'Starship Troopers'
>opened in theaters.

>I used to be a die-hard trekkie,

Tom: Well, if you were, then you'd call yourself a Trekker.
Crow: Fanboy.

> but lately Trek has been crap; they
>use time-travel every other episode,

Mike: Well, that was before they went back in time and redid the
episodes. Now the time-travel episodes are all about Paris and
Torres' relationship.

> and they were forced to bring a
>big-titted blonde onto Voyager to revive the show's ratings.

Tom: Ah. He must have seen the press release too.
Crow: I can't emphasize enough that she's hot.

>Babylon 5, well; It's been crap from the moment it started.

Tom: Yeah. What do those silly Hugo people know anyway?

>Troopers is without doubt, the best S-F and war movie ever made.

Mike: Um, Ryan? Is this a stand up rant or just another bug hunt?

>In it, we don't have any wussy rules or morality plays, like we do in
>Star Trek.

Tom: <Beavis voice> Morals are for wusses.
Crow: Yeah! Heh-heh!

>The Federation in Trek has no backbone,

Crow: The Federation's run by flatworms?

>and they are the
>most advanced expression of the Communist state possible.

Mike: Except the Federation's government actually seems to work, so it
can't be a Communist state.

>They also run around now in skin-tight spandex uniforms that show every
>curve on the women.

Crow: You say that as if it's a bad thing.

>There's also too much whining in Trek nowadays.

Tom: There 's too much whining on the internet too.

>Can you honestly believe that humans would let themselves get bossed around
>by the Dominion,

Crow: Yeah! Humans should only be bossed around by cute robots.
Tom: Or small kids.

>or by a galatic government that espouses peaceful and
>nonviolent solutions to problems.

Crow: Didn't Ted Turner just give a billion dollars to a galactic
government that espouses peaceful and nonviolent solutions to
problems?

>Babylon 5; I don't even need to begin with *that* piece of shit.

Tom: <British voice> A translation for our reader who don't speak
troll: I don't have any arguments that apply in this case, so I'll
ignore it.

>Troopers is a much more believable portrayal of the future than Trek.
>In it, we have co-ed showers and nobody plays "Drop-the-Soap."

Crow: Yeah, *that's* realistic.
Tom: In Star Trek VI, male and female personnel shared the same rooms,
so I’d assume that they shared the same showers.
Crow: Fan boy.

>Trek shows us a bright clean vision of the future, in which, if we
>ignore the problem, it'll go away eventually.

Mike: Oddly enough, just at that moment, the US Government was
implementing just such a strategy.

>That's BS. You have to stop the problem from spreading, no matter what the
>cost.

Tom: We need to destroy this village in order to save it?

>Also, Trek has bloodless battles, in which people are either
>distengrated bloodlessly by phasers or die in exploding starships.

Crow: Yeah! How dare they have advanced technology instead of fighting
with stuff like chainsaws and nailguns.
Mike: Crow, don't make fun of anything by id.

>Troopers: You'll die horribly, and painfully, with large amounts of
>gore, either being sucked into space after your ship has been holed,
>or cut in half by a emergency bulkhead, or impaled by bugs and torn
>apart.

Tom: Yes, many industry insiders say that "You'll die horribly, and
painfully, with large amounts of gore, either being sucked into space
after your ship has been holed, or cut in half by a emergency
bulkhead, or impaled by bugs and torn apart" was Manheim Steamroller's
best Christmas album, but the title kept it from achieving the
success that it deserved.

>or burned alive by flamethrowing-bugs.

All: <Snicker>
Mike: Well, there goes the realism theory.

>The list of horrible ways to die goes on and on.

Tom: Let's list them: Eating too much Alar. Being trampled by
wildebeests. Stepping off a curb and getting hit at a zebra crossing.
Spontaneous combustion. Microwaving your internal organs. Watching
Monster-a-Go-Go so many times that your eyes implode. Having your
spleen leap up and lodge itself in your throat in a valiant attempt
to save humanity...

>Also, you'll use fully automatic assault rifles against the bugs, which blow
>*holes* in living things,

Crow: Apparently, the ability to make holes in things is a useful
ability.
Mike: Gee, all I have is a knife, which can only make lots of little
holes in you.

>unlike "clean" phasers which cause no noise, recoil, or blood.

Tom: But they do vaporize things causing them to dissolve in a neat
special effect.

>The aftermath of battle is depicted in Troopers in all it's horror,
>with shell-shocked survivors (if any) wandering around, and
>dismembered bodies strewn about.

Crow: That sounds like the aftermath of a Hanson concert.
Tom: The horror. The horror.

> It doesn't matter if you're a man or
>woman; you'll die just the same.

Mike: It’s nice to see that they’re following EEOC guidelines.

>The Borg have nothing against the bugs.

Mike: After all, the bugs are rather nice once you get to know them.

>The bugs would win hands-down easily. Why? They don't rely on such BS as
>"adapting to weapons frequencies".

Crow: And those silly Borgs rely on tactics like "shoot the enemy
before he gets in range to kill you. Preferably from several AU away."

>They just throw body after body at you until you all die.

Tom: Unfortunately, there were only four bugs, so this tactic proved
rather unsuccessful.

>BTW, Is it me, or is everybody on Trek terminally stupid? If the
>Borg adapt so easily to energy weapons, why not replicate some AK-47s?
>You can't adapt to massive chunks of metal flying through the air.

Tom: Didn't the Borg use forcefields to protect them from phaser fire?
I'd think that would work pretty well against bullets too.
Crow: Fan boy.

>Finally, the government in Troopers is so much more believable.

Mike: Cause me and Bobby are in charge of everything. Heh. Heh.

>They mention "Federal" all the time, unlike Trek, which is a
>Communist-style government.

Crow: And the Iraqis mention President Hussein all the time, so they
must be a democracy.

>The uniforms are also much better.

Tom: But with just a bit of glitter and a cape, the Trek costumes
would be *fabuuulous*!

>I had chills when the intel guys came aboard and they looked like the
>goddamn SS/Gestapo.

Crow: So did he also get chills from Michael Jackson Videos?
Mike: I thought the Intel guys were wearing those brightly colored
airtight suits and traveling around in a van.

>In the end, it comes down to Communism versus Fascism.

Tom: But the Monarchists from the Republic of Manticore came out of
nowhere and took the competition.
Mike: Where did the Gallatinists place in the event?
Crow: Fan boys.

>In fact, Troopers has been called "a recruitment film for the Third
>Reich."

Crow: And you think that's a good thing?

>I'll tell you this, as a honest to god American, I'll take Fascism any
>day over gutless Communism.

>GO SEE STARSHIP TROOPERS!

Tom: Remember how Churchill ended his "Iron Curtain" speech by
proclaiming "GO SEE STARSHIP TROOPERS!"? This speech is by far the
superior use of the phrase.

>ONCE YOU'VE SEEN IT, YOU'LL NEVER LOOK AT STAR TREK THE
>SAME WAY AGAIN!

Crow: Yeah, you might actually respect Rick Berman.
Mike: <Snort> Like that'll happen.

>flames welcome, but no mail-bombings, please.

Tom: Oh great! Now we have to take him off the Unabomber's mailing
list.
Crow: Geez. He always gets so testy when we do that. We keep getting
'packages' from him when we do that.
Mike: By the way, how is he getting those packages up here?
Tom: 2nd day air, I think.

>-----------------------------------------------------------------------
>"Most Russians don't care whether they are ruled by fascists or communists or
>even Martians as long as they can buy six kinds of sausage in the store and
>lots of cheap vodka." --Aleksander Lebed, who I hope wins in 2000

Crow: "The people elect the government that they deserve."
Mike: Come on, let's get out of here.
<The trio stands and begins to exit.>

>220 71465 <643m6v$k...@camel12.mindspring.com> article
>Path:
>ix.netcom.com!news.webspan.net!newsfeed.internetmci.com!207.69.200.61!
>mindspring!news.mindspring.com!usenet

Mike: Huh? It's starting again? Usually the rants just end.

>From: desot...@pipeline.com (David Mills)

Crow: Guess we better get back to it.

Tom: Sadly, the X-Philes felt neglected by the posting, and went on a
mass murderous rampage. So, remember, cross post to every group that
you can think of.
Mike: Tom, ixnay on the osspost-cray.

>Subject: Re: Star Trek and Babylon 5 are DEAD! Long Live STARSHIP
>TROOPERS and the (real) Federation's Mobile Infantry!
>Date: Sun, 09 Nov 1997 05:52:52 GMT
>Organization: MindSpring Enterprises, Inc.

>OK now, I may be new ti this group

Tom: 'Ti'?
Crow: Ratliff's got a protege.

>but let me ask you something have you

Mike: Ever seen a purple cow?
Tom: Heard of punctuation?
Tom: Danced with the devil in the pale moonlight?
Gypsy: <Poking her head in> o/~ ...ever touched a post-it note? Have
you ever looked at boots? Have you ever sat down in a chair? Have you
ever used a papercliiip? o/~
<Gypsy leaves>
Crow: Well, that was a pointless cameo.

>read Starship troopers the book by Robert Anson Heinlein

Tom: I use his full name to show that I'm a bigger Heinlein fan than
you are.
Mike: FIJAGDH.
Tom: FIAWOL
Crow: Fanboys.

>If yes then you are a complete idiot and should have kept your damn mouth
>shut,and if you have then i can definetley say you a complete idiot.

Tom: Come again?
Mike: Let it slide, Tom.

>Reply to:
>Utlon...@hotmail.com

Crow: Dude, those folks at Texas are making the devil sign!

>220 71489 <346702ae...@news.erols.com> article
>Path: >ix.netcom.com!zdc!super.zippo.com!

Tom: Super.zippo.com! Keeping flame wars lit since 1994!

>lotsanews.com!logbridge.uoregon.edu!europa.clark.net!205.252.116.205!howl
>and.erols.net!winter.news.erols.com!not-for-mail
>From: ryan...@erols.com (MKSheppard)

Tom: <British accent> And now a rebuttal by Mr. ryanwolf...

>Newsgroups:
>alt.org.starfleet,alt.starfleet,alt.startrek,alt.startrek.borg,alt.startrek.creative,alt
>.startrek.vs,alt.startrek.vs.babylon5,alt.startrek.vs.battlestar-
>galactica,alt.startrek.klingon,alt.startrek.role-playing
>Subject: Re: Star Trek and Babylon 5 are DEAD! Long Live STARSHIP
>TROOPERS and the (real) Federation's Mobile Infantry!
>Date: Sun, 09 Nov 1997 19:03:01 GMT
>Organization: The Forces of Senseless Violence & Destruction (TM)

>On Sat, 08 Nov 1997 05:12:33 -0800, Paul Archer <arcl...@calweb.com>
>wrote:

>>> Troopers is a much more believable portrayal of the future than Trek.
>>> In it, we have co-ed showers and nobody plays "Drop-the-Soap."
>>
>> And THAT's a believable portrayal of the future? C'mon...

>A hell of a lot better than a future in which the men walk around in
>wool uniforms,

Mike: Unfortunately, Earth lost the secret of Velour during WWIII.

> while the women walk around in Spandex; which shows off
>every damn curve.

Crow: Once again, you say that as if it's a bad thing.

> In Troopers, everybody wears the same uniform, right down to the ties.

Mike: And those Sailor Scout uniforms look really bad on the guys.

>>> Trek shows us a bright clean vision of the future, in which, if we
>>> ignore the problem, it'll go away eventually. That's BS. You have to
>>> stop the problem from spreading, no matter what the cost.
>>
>> Spoken like a true ultra-nationalist. Troopers was packed with such
>>sentiment from the opening shots to the final scene. Heinlein is
>>spinning in his grave.

Crow: Well, duh. His ashes are in orbit, so of course they’re
spinning. Jeez.

>> The book and the movie have very little in common, aside from the
>>title, the Bugs, and the name of the starship Rodger Young.

Tom: Well, Paul Verhoeven directed it, what did you expect?

>>Read it, it's a classic about a young man's coming of age.

>I bought it waaay back in the summer,

Mike: That's almost three months ago, you know.

>and I read it. I prefer the movie more. Why?

Crow: Lack of taste?
Tom: Or perhaps a frontal lobotomy.

>In the opening of the book, Rico drops down onto a
>planet on a raid with a "take no prisoners" set of orders and
>mentions the fact "If they told us to kill every blue-eyed person,
>we'd do it"

Mike: Obviously, Rico's got brown eyes.

>The movie is much more heroic.

Tom: Yep, the triumph of the human spirit is far less impressive than
blood, guts, explosions, and a bit of nudity.

> I _loved_ the website/Nazi Propaganda film bits.

Crow: And you just can't find Nazi like websites in today's internet.

>Besides, soldiers don't fight for their country/honor/duty/etc.
>Sure, they may sign up in an outbreak of patriotic fervor, but they're
>really fighting for themselves and their buddies.

Mike: wasn't that Heinlein's point in the novel?
Tom: I think Varley said it in Armor too.
Crow: Fan boys.

>>> Troopers: You'll die horribly, and painfully, with large amounts of
>>> gore, either being sucked into space after your ship has been holed,
>>> or cut in half by a emergency bulkhead, or impaled by bugs and torn
>>> apart. or burned alive by flamethrowing-bugs. The list of horrible
>>> ways to die goes on and on. Also, you'll use fully automatic assault
>>> rifles against the bugs, which blow *holes* in living things, unlike
>>> "clean" phasers which cause no noise, recoil, or blood.
>
>> Yippee. That's the vision of a clean, bright future.

Crow: Ooh, the Trekker scores a point.

>In the movie, as blue fireballs streak from the planet's surface,
>someone says:

Crow: <Letterman> Whew. I shouldn't of had that last burrito.

>"Intel says they're just a harmless light show."

Tom: I thought that the line was "intel says their fire will be random
and light."
Crow: Fan boy.

>[Then a fireball vaporizes a small ship.]

Mike: Relax, it just hit a Pinto.

>"Someone made a mistake."

>[Now, a big ship gets hit.]

>"A real fucking big mistake!"

Tom: Whoops. Sorry. That's a quote from the actors involved in this
film.

>You actually feel sorry for the crew on the spaceships, since like the
>crews on the 82nd Airborne's C-46s in Normandy, they have to fly
>through this crap, while the grunts can drop/jump down to (relative)
>safety.

Mike: And I can’t abstractly empathize with people, so I need to
actually see them suffering.
Crow: Wasn’t his earlier point that space battles were nowhere near
the horror of ground combat?
Tom: Gee, ryanwolf, did you feel sorry for the 100,000 people who were
aboard the Death Star when it blew up?
Crow: Fan Boy.

>Also, as the Rodger Young is destroyed, you see people being sucked
>into space or burned alive after their escape vehicle malfunctions and
>burns. Finally, how can you disagree with a movie that has a human
>body slam against the windshield of a Escape Vehicle?

Crow: All the great films have those scenes in them. Casablanca,
Battleship Potempkin, The Seven Samurai...

> Just like it would happen in a (realistic) universe.

>Trek hasn't had any realistic battles since ST:TWOK.

Mike: Of course, in reality if you blew up a ship in orbit, then the
wreckage would remain in orbit until the orbit decayed, which would
take a while and it certainly wouldn’t head straight towards the
surface, like it did in the movie.

>>> The Borg have nothing against the bugs. The bugs would win hands-down
>>> easily. Why? They don't rely on such BS as "adapting to weapons
>>> frequencies". They just throw body after body at you until you all
>>> die. BTW, Is it me, or is everybody on Trek terminally stupid? If the
>>> Borg adapt so easily to energy weapons, why not replicate some AK-47s?
>>> You can't adapt to massive chunks of metal flying through the air.
>>
>> The Borg would end up assimilating the Bugs.

>The bugs would kill every goddamn Borg. Can the Borg adapt to being
>burned alive/impaled/torn apart?

Mike: Well, if one of the species that they’ve assimilated has
developed the concept of ‘armor’ then they’ll probably do fine.

>I thought not. Besides, I never bought into the Borg using nanites to
>assimilate people.

Tom: The movies aren’t canon? Cool! We can ignore Star Trek V then!
And Generations!
Crow: Fan boy.

>In the TV show, they had to capture you and put you into a machine.

Mike: So, he can buy the concept of FTL travel, and matter
transporters, but he can’t accept really small robots?

>This ranks up there with the infamous Klingon smooth forehead/bumpy
>forehead gaffe.

>I'd take a M.I. squad anyday over a bunch of Starfleeters in combat
>against the Borg!

Tom: The Clans bid a Star of Elementals against the Borg.
Mike: There is no symbol for what I choose to bid. I bid one person.
Tom: Who?
Mike: Marrissa.
Bots: AAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

>>> Finally, the government in Troopers is so much more believable. They
>>> mention "Federal" all the time, unlike Trek, which is a
>>> Communist-style government. The uniforms are also much better. I had
>>> chills when the intel guys came aboard and they looked like the
>>> goddamn SS/Gestapo.
>
>> Again, Yippee. I just don't think a single damned thing that's
>>reminiscent of the Nazi government should make anybody happy, regardless
>>of how damned cool the uniforms look.

>Sieg Heil! That's what you expect to hear in Troopers.

Crow: I don’t understand. Shouldn’t Godwin’s Law been invoked in
this message enough times to end it?

>In Trek, you
>can expect to hear about why violence never solved anything, how we
>can exist peacefully, and how we've evolved from a barbaric race.

Mike: And then, we prove that we’re still a barbarian race.
Tom: That’s Baywatch, not Star Trek.

>I'm surprised that the UFP has survived for this long.

Crow: Because they’re fighting enemies even more incompetent than
they are?

>>> In the end, it comes down to Communism versus Fascism.
>>> In fact, Troopers has been called "a recruitment film for the Third
>>> Reich."
>>>
>>> I'll tell you this, as a honest to god American, I'll take Fascism any
>>> day over gutless Communism.
>>
>> You idiot. As an honest-to-god American I have two words for
>>you...Benito Mussolini.

>You Idiot...I said "Third Reich", not that farce that existed in
>Italy.

Mike: No comments are necessary here.

>You know, If the gov from Troopers was in power instead of the wussy
>Federation, we'd most likely be seeing by now on TV, a massive
>invasion of the Founders' Homeworld.

Crow: Or they'd be involved in a lame crossover with 'Homicide.' One
of the two.

> Instead, they're (Sisko &
>Company) running around in the Defiant, and the Bajorans are sucking
>up to the Dominion just like they did to the Cardies, or just like
>Vichy France!

>Either way, the ending in troopers is upbeat, unlike the ending of DS9
>last season.

Tom: Didn't the Federation blow up three times their number of
Dominion ships in the finale to that story arc?
Crow: Fan.. [Mike leans over and slaps Crow beside the head.]
Tom: Thank you.
Mike: He was getting on my nerves too.

>"WE WILL WIN!" appearing on the screen as a armada of ships cruise
>past is a lot more appealing and uplifting than just a shot of the
>Defiant running like hell away from the Dominion.

Crow: Isn't Han Solo's whoop of "Yahoo! You're all clear kid" a lot
more uplifting than "We Will Win!"?
Tom: Or how about President Whitmore's 'Independence Day' speech?
Mike: Or Wallace's final defiant shout of "Freedom!"?

>>> GO SEE STARSHIP TROOPERS!
>
>> It's an entertaining film, and one that's cleverly directed, but
>>there's very little here beyond the theme of "Barbie and Ken Go To War".

>Star Trek goes very little beyond the theme of:
>"We can all get along, and might never makes right."

Crow: Well, and "Kirk can find a babe on any planet, at any time."

>From: ryan...@erols.com (MKSheppard)

Mike: ...and it’s still not over.

>Newsgroups:
>alt.org.starfleet,alt.starfleet,alt.startrek,alt.startrek.borg,alt.startrek.creative,alt
..>startrek.vs,alt.startrek.vs.babylon5,alt.startrek.vs.battlestar-
>galactica,alt.startrek.klingon,alt.startrek.role-playing
>Subject: Re: Star Trek and Babylon 5 are DEAD! Long Live STARSHIP
>TROOPERS and the (real) Federation's Mobile Infantry!
>Date: Sun, 09 Nov 1997 19:10:39 GMT
>Organization: The Forces of Senseless Violence & Destruction (TM)

>On 9 Nov 1997 04:37:03 GMT, natal...@aol.com (Natali2908) wrote:

>>I find it funny that Starship Troopers only recieved one and a half stars in
>> the paper...I highly doubt one washed up, poorly scripted, poorly acted
>>movie will erase the Star Trek legacy. That's my humble opinion at least.
>>:o)

>FYI, USA Today and the Washington Times gave it 4 stars. Entertainment
>weekly calls it "Ground Zero for a new Generation of thrill-seekers!"

Mike: And you called it "Better than Star Trek and Babylon 5." It's in
print, so it must be true.

>The washed up, poorly scripted, poorly acted farce called Voyager is
>doing a bang-up job of erasing the Star Trek legacy, I might add.

Mike: But it's still better than Star Trek V was!

>In Troopers, the Captain of the Rodger Young *looks* like Janeway, but
>from your impression of her, you get the feeling that she could kick
>Janeway's ass and the rest of the Voyager's crew's asses as well
>without breaking a sweat. Sadly, she doesn't survive the movie.

Crow: And that wimp Janeway's still alive. Makes you think, huh?

>When's the last time you saw a action movie in which you weren't sure
>that the main characters would survive?

Crow: LA Confidential?
Mike: That's technically a taut crime drama.
Tom: Hey, wait a minute! I read the book! I knew exactly who would
survive! Well, I would have if Verhoeven had actually used the book
as the basis for the script.
Mike: I think that he’s finally done.
Tom: Let’s go.

[They leave.]
[1...2...3...4...5...6...]

<SoL>

Mike: Well, that was bizarre.
Tom: It just goes to show you, Hollywood can’t make a good movie
that’s based on a book.
Crow: Oh, come on Tom. Some of our finest books have been adapted to
the screen.
Tom: Yeah, like Starship Troopers?
Crow: To Kill a Mockingbird.
Tom: Pet Cemetary.
Crow: From Here to Eternity.
Tom: Puppet Masters.
Crow: Presumed Innocent.
Tom: Remo Williams.
Crow: The Longest Day.
Tom: Patriot Games.
Crow: The Hunt for Red October
Tom: Johnny Mnemonic.
Crow: Blade Runner.
Tom: James and the Giant Peach.
Crow: Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.
Tom: Striptease.
Mike: Hold it! When did you see that?
Tom: Um, well. Crow and I watched it a few weeks ago while you were
wandering around that sylvan glade.
Mike: [Grabbing both bots.] Get over here. [To mads] Well, what do you
think?

[The Widowmaker]
Pearl: [To the Observer] There, there. So you didn’t get a part on a
hot new TV series. I’m sure something else will come along soon. One
of us is bound to hit stardom eventually. <aside> And it'll probably
be me.
Bobo: {Hopping into frame] Great news, lawgiver! I just found out
that I got the lead role in that Planet of the Apes remake! Isn’t
that great?
[The Observer begins to growl.]

\ | /
\ | /
--- * --- PWOOOOSH!
/ | \
/ | \

Observer: [v.o.] I’m going to kill him.
Pearl: [v.o.] Do me a favor. Kill him slowly.

Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its characters are the copyright of
Best Brains, Inc. Star Trek in its many, many forms is a copyright
of Paramount. The Paramount Station Group is a part of the
entertainment division of Viacom. Babylon 5 is the property of
Babylonian Productions. Starship Troopers is the creative property of
the Heinlein estate, and of Sony Pictures, TriStar Motion Picture
Company, Big Bug Pictures, Touchstone Pictures and the Walt Disney
Motion Picture Company. I think. No infringement of any copyright is
intended. Sound provided by Listen Up.

>Finally, how can you disagree with a movie that has a human
>body slam against the windshield of a Escape Vehicle?

Mark Andrew Siefert

unread,

Nov 16, 1997, 3:00:00 AM11/16/97

Matthew R Blackwell (mbla...@ix.netcom.com) wrote:
:
: >In the end, it comes down to Communism versus Fascism.

:
: Tom: But the Monarchists from the Republic of Manticore came out of
: nowhere and took the competition.

Cool! Somebody else in this universe reads David Weber.
--
Later,
Mark A. Siefert

"Leave the gun. Take the canoli."
--Clamenza
"The Godfather"

E-MAIL: cth...@csd.uwm.edu WWW: http://www.uwm.edu/~cthulhu
=========================================================================

Rev. Avro Arrow

unread,

Nov 16, 1997, 3:00:00 AM11/16/97

On Sun, 16 Nov 1997 01:28:37 GMT, mbla...@ix.netcom.com (Matthew R Blackwell) wrote:

Ladeez and Gentelmans, the next sound you will be hearink is the sound of Robert. A.
Heinlein spinning in his grave at 30,000 rpm
Xena and Gabrielle are:
(a) Doing it
(b) Doing it
(c) Doing it
(e) Eh? what are you implying?!?

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