[MSTing] FFFFFF! (Part 3 of 6)
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The Final Fantasy Fan-Fiction Fun Fest!
MSTing by Shay Caron
Part 3 of 6: "Final Fantasy III: The New Returners", Part 1
[ Everyone enters the theater. ]
> Far away from our world, billions upon billions
CROW: Billyuns and billyuns of... um...
> of miles
CROW: Thank you. Billyuns and billyuns of miles!
> through the black
> void of space,
MIKE: We find a Hollywood star who can actually act.
> lies
CROW: Dr. Forrester the space baby.
> the vast planet known to its inhabitants as Vehs. It
> is famous, in part, for all the villains and heroes alike that have sailed
> its seas and battled on its shores.
TOM: Exactly 47 trillion and three, if anyone cared enough to count.
MIKE: [ Thor ] Yes, I counted, and no, I'm not going to tell you! Go count 'em
yourself if you wanna know!
> The exploits of these great many people
> have been chronicled in what is known to us as the Final Fantasy, a massive
> biography comprised of many separate parts.
> And now, even as you read this,
MIKE: Square's coming up with an even lamer one.
TOM: And the flames begin pouring in even as we speak.
> a new part of this never-ending story is
> taking place.....
>
> Final Fantasy III: The New Returners
> Part 1
CROW: Backstory, Exposition, and More Crap.
>
>
> Celes's long blonde hair blew wildly about her face in the desert gale.
TOM: [ spitting noises ]
MIKE: [ waves his hands in front of his face ]
> She,
> Terra, and Cyan were riding towards Figaro Castle on chocobos, delivering
> several precious gems from Denubia to the castle vault. She sidled up to
> Terra
TOM: [ Celes ] So, what're you doing after the delivery?
> and asked if they could get something to eat together after they were
> done,
CROW: Aack!
TOM: I wasn't serious!
> but got only a mumbled reply.
MIKE: [ Celes ] Wait a minute! I'm talking to Henry Kissinger!
> Lately, Terra had been off in her own
> little world,
CROW: Like half the people on Earth.
> expectant, as if she were waiting for something to happen,
MIKE: [ Terra ] I'm pregnant.
> though it was certain that nothing would.
> Celes almost wished something would happen. Ever since Kefka had been
> defeated, life had been disgustingly normal.
MIKE: Eew, normal.
> Boring as a Moogle's behind,
> as Locke would say - if he weren't in the Zenobian Empire on... business.
> And if he did say that, Mog would slap his behind,
ALL: Eeeeww!!
> Celes
> thought to herself, giggling loud enough for the others to hear.
> Cyan looked at her a little strangely.
>
> * * *
>
> Crono didn't talk much,
TOM: As in "never"?
CROW: So we're in a double-Square crossover. That's just great.
> but when he did, he was always to the point.
> "Lucca, there CAN NOT be another gate!" he yelled at his best
> friend, who sat in front of a computer console in her room in Truce village.
> Marle, or Princess Nadia,
CROW: We're not quite sure yet.
> got up from her perch on the edge of Lucca's bed
> and made Crono sit with her, in an effort to calm him down.
CROW: If I was Crono, I don't think that would work.
> "But Lucca told us she didn't think it was a gate to another time," she
> said,
> softly enough that he had to stop shouting to hear her.
MIKE: What?
> "She said," she
> continued, "that she thinks it's a gate to another dimension."
> Crono seemed to calm down a little.
TOM: [ Crono ] Oh, it's only a *dimensional* gate. Well, what're we so
worried about?
> "Oh," he said. "I missed that part."
> Suddenly, he was all business again. "Well," he said resolutely, "if it's
> a whole new dimension,
CROW: [ Crono ] We should go and welcome it to the neighborhood!
> we'll have to go explore it."
MIKE: Ah, teenagers going blindly into probable danger. Where have I seen this
before?
TOM: Where *haven't* you?
> Marle--and Lucca, for once--quickly agreed to this, and Lucca added
> something.
TOM: A big piece of beef.
> "If we're going to do this in true adventuring style," she said, brandishing
> her patented WonderShot blaster, "we'll need to gather the gang!"
MIKE: Oh, you mean the alt.music.weird-al evil Al-fan-hater "gang"?
CROW: Since when did that exist?
MIKE: It doesn't.
> "You have a point," said Marle,
CROW: [ Marle ] On the top of your head.
> "but where will we find them all?"
> "Well," said Crono, "Fr--
TOM: [ Crono ] The love of--
> I mean, Glenn's in Guardia Castle in 602 AD,
CROW: OK, let's see. Frog's turned back into a human--
> Robo's in the future, Ayla's in Ioka village, and Magus is...well...he's
> somewhere."
CROW: --but you have to kill Magus for that to happen.
MIKE: Whoopsie.
> "Wonderful," said Lucca sardonically. "He's somewhere."
>
> * * *
TOM: Look! There he is! No, wait, that's Crono.
CROW: [ rimshot ]
>
> Far from the comfort of Lucca's room, in the depths of an Ice Age cave that
> had not seen light since the beginning of the Long Winter,
CROW: Don't you mean the "Great Winter"?
TOM: This isn't a Sonic fanfic.
MIKE: At least not yet...
> Magus quietly
> and carefully explored. As a small child, before his father (the King of
> Zeal, of course) had died, he and the rest of the royal family had gone on
> expeditions through the cave, which he remembered fondly. Magus knew it
> well,
CROW: Horatio.
> but he didn't know if any unfriendly creatures had moved in since his last
> visit, so he treaded carefully.
> After a short while, he reached what should have been the end of the cave,
> when...
> "MAGUS!!"
MIKE: [ Magus ] Aaaaaah! <splat>
BOTS: Splat?
MIKE: I'm not exactly sure what that meant.
> "Magus, we bid thee come!"
> "Magus, we want you come!"
CROW: "Magus, we need to come!"
TOM: "Magus, come or we'll kill you!"
MIKE: "Magus, come and join our blues band!"
> Deterred from his search for Schala for a moment, Magus turned his head to
> look, and then dropped his scythe in astonishment.
MIKE: [ Magus ] Oh, my foot!
> Why, it was Crono and
> the whole gang!
CROW: Freddy! Daphne! Velma!
> But they were standing at the cave's entrance! They were...
TOM: They were... Ew, what's that?
CROW: With a melon?
> "Step away!" he called back, his voice saturated with urgency. "Now!"
> Fortunately, they obeyed. He quickly picked up his scythe and hovered over
> to meet them. "That was close," he said when he was near enough for them
> to hear.
> "What was close? Why did we have to move like that?"
MIKE: Walk this way.
> asked Marle, and it
> was made clear by their quizzical looks that the others felt the same way.
>
> "You fools," Magus said, wagging one index finger playfully.
CROW: Somehow I have difficulty thinking of Magus as "playful".
> "You never look
> at the obvious. I'll demonstrate." He turned around, and tapped the sheet
> of ice covering the ground just inside the cave with the tip of his scythe.
> The ice fell away, leaving only a huge, seemingly bottomless hole where it
> had been.
TOM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA--
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA--
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA--<gasp>--AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA...
> He turned back around just in time to see everyone's reactions. Robo's was
> mild enough,
MIKE: All he did was faint.
> but Glenn and everyone else nearly jumped out of their boots.
> Magus chuckled quietly to himself as he walked past them and climbed into
> the Epoch.
CROW: [ Magus ] C'mon, everybody, let's RIDE!
>
> * * *
TOM: And suddenly it's the Final Fantasy/Chrono Trigger Christmas Special!
>
> King Edgar paced back and forth, putting quite a bit of wear on the carpet
> in his throne room. He'd been nervous for weeks--
MIKE: The school dance is in just a few days!
> after all, the Zenobian
> Empire, biggest and most powerful nation in Vehs, had threatened war with
> Figaro not long ago. If its emperor, Zarok,
CROW: No relation to a certain mantis, of course.
> did declare war with his little
> kingdom, the overpowering military of Zenobia wouldn't take long to make
> just another province out of Figaro...
TOM: Mike?
MIKE: Oh, okay. Just this once.
TOM: Thanks. [ singing ] Fiiiiiigaro, Figaro-Figaro-Figaro-Figaro-Figaro,
Fiiiiiigaaaaaaaroooooooo!!
CROW: Ow!
> as it had so many other nations.
> Sabin, who had been watching his brother with concern from one side of the
> room, now stepped up and made Edgar sit on his throne. "Man, you have to
> relax," he said as he sat down in the adjacent throne. "You're going to give
> yourself an ulcer or
TOM: Or cancer, or heart disease, or high blood pressure, or spam, or even--
> something.
ALL: Gasp! Something!
> Why don't you come with me and Mog for a
> while? We're going down to the basement to find one of your crazy inventions
> so we can mess with it."
> Edgar smiled wryly. "Which one?" he asked. "The sand deodorizer?
MIKE: The Happy Fun Ball?
> The
> sound-activated plant waterer?
CROW: The plant-activated sound waterer?
> The credit card?"
> "That last one's a little too crazy, even for us," said Sabin.
ALL: Wah-wah-waaaahhh...
> Edgar smiled. "Well, you've made your point," he said. "I do need to have
> a little fun. I'll come along, and see if you can get Terra to come,
> too."
> Sabin nodded,
MIKE: [ Sabin ] Uh, could you repeat everything after the word "well"?
> though he knew that Terra probably wouldn't come. For several
> weeks, she'd been acting really weird. Locke had been the only one with
> enough
> nerve to ask her about it. She'd spouted out a bunch of stuff about 'new
> heroes,'
TOM: Microsoft came out with Heroes '98.
> and told him that 'an ancient evil is on the horizon.'
CROW: Bob Dole is coming!
> Everyone
> wondered if it had something to do with her being half Esper,
MIKE: Great, she's even a crossover herself!
> even though
> magic could have nothing to do with it--after all, magic in every form had
> disappeared after they had defeated Kefka.
MIKE: What in the--?
CROW: Haven't you ever seen the FF3 ending?
MIKE: No.
CROW: Me neither.
TOM: Hm.
> Hadn't it?
TOM: Oh, look, there it is! It just went out to get a hot dog and some chips!
>
> * * *
>
> The Epoch was a blur, traveling through time and space,
BOTS: [ burst into song ] Somewhere in time and space...
> as Lucca piloted
> it. She wondered absentmindedly if her father, Taban, had finished building
> the Telepod 2.5 as she checked trajectory and obstacle readouts. Magus sat
> just behind her, absorbed in a book, Crono sat beside him staring out a
> window,
> and the others tried to get used to the new back seats,
CROW: [ random "other", whiny ] Smells like new car back here!
> which Lucca had
> installed
> a bit too hastily.
MIKE: [ random "other" ] There's a spring stuck in my butt!
CROW: [ same ] These seat belts are only five inches long!
TOM: [ ditto ] There's a hole under my seeeeeaaaaaaaaaa...
> After a little while, Lucca landed the Epoch just outside her house in 1000
> A.D., and the others got out one by one. Magus quickly put his book away
> in some unseen pocket, picked up his scythe, and climbed out last, just as
> Lucca was making final preparations for system shutdown.
> "May I inquire why we are here?" asked Robo. "My sensors do not detect a
> Gate."
> "That's just it," Lucca replied. "This isn't a normal Time Gate. It's my
> opinion that it's a dimensional Gate, or Vortex."
CROW: Oh, that's that Nerf football, isn't it? I've got one of those.
> Magus's brow furrowed thoughtfully. "I've heard of them," he finally said.
> "They're like Time Gates, but instead of leading to different times, they
> lead to whole different worlds."
MIKE: They're going to end up in the Sonic the Hedgehog show, I just know it.
> "Exactly!" said Lucca. "Unfortunately, we have one problem," she continued.
TOM: [ Lucca ] *Somebody* just locked the keys in the Epoch.
CROW: [ Crono ] Sorry, that was me.
> "We don't have the faintest idea where this Vortex will lead."
> "Big deal," said Crono.
MIKE: [ Crono ] When have we let common sense influence us before?
> "Let's go!"
> With that, the Vortex opened up beside Crono. He charged into it, and the
> others followed suit.
> Here we go again, thought Lucca as she stepped in.
CROW: [ Lucca ] Eeew, what'd I just step in?
TOM: [ Crono ] Sorry, that was me again.
>
> * * *
>
> Terra waited in the Engine Room of Figaro Castle for Sabin, Mog, and Edgar
> to arrive. Sabin had invited her to come tinker with some of Edgar's old
> inventions, and, much to Sabin's surprise, she had accepted.
CROW: If he thought she was gonna say no, then why'd he ask?
MIKE: Etiquette.
> She hadn't done
> so because she actually wanted to fiddle with machines, of course. But that
> was a long story. For several weeks, she had been having
> 'premonitions' of sorts. She'd had feelings that two powerful magical
> forces,
MIKE: Tension and compression.
> which were somehow linked, were headed to Vehs. She'd had dreams that a
TOM: Big muscled guy in a loincloth was giving her a massage.
> group
> of proven heroes would come to Vehs,
MIKE: Yeah, turns out they're just circus bugs.
> and that an evil greater even than
> Kefka
> would be waiting for them.
CROW: Heeeeere's anevilgreatereventhan*Kefka*!
MIKE: Actually, that's pretty catchy.
> Frankly, it had made her a little edgy.
TOM: Gee, ya think?!
> Even so, she had decided to see things out to the end, and her feelings told
> her that one of the answers she was looking for would be found in the castle
> basement.
CROW: Really, can't you find just about *anything* in a basement?
> Just then, Edgar, Sabin, and Mog rushed in. "Sorry we're late," said Sabin
> as they walked into the room, "but Mog was obsessing over his hair
> again."
MIKE: [ Sabin ] He kept saying someone was trying to steal it.
> Mog ran a hand over his single strand of hair, which was topped by an
> interesting
> yellow orb, and cracked a sly smile. "Well, what are we waiting for?" he
> said in his high-pitched, squeaky voice. "Let's get our rears in gear!"
CROW: Like Charlie Chaplin?
TOM: No...
>
> * * *
>
> When the Vortex spit the seven of them out,
ALL: Hawwwk, ptooey!
> Magus thought that their new
> surroundings looked a lot like the inside of the Zeal Palace catacombs, but
> that was a story for another day...
CROW: That was annoyingly pointless.
> He looked more closely and saw that the
> area was mostly empty, with walls made of coarse gray stone brick.
> "This reminds me of the Guardia Castle storage room," said Marle as she
> wandered
> around, examining an ancient-looking bookshelf.
> "I think this is some sort of...basement," said Lucca, who was wiping some
> dust off a small table.
MIKE: And we have crossover!
> Just then, they heard a faint shuffling noise from behind a large wooden
> door.
> "What was that!?" exclaimed Marle, and everyone else jumped.
> "Hide!" said Crono, and they all scattered.
MIKE: All right, perhaps I was a little hasty, but the crossover will come!
>
> * * *
>
> Mog approached the large wooden door with caution.
TOM: [ Mog ] This door is creepin' me out, man!
> The others had said he
> was just paranoid, but he was sure that there was someone--or something--
> behind that door.
> He reached out with his pudgy white hand, turned the doorknob, and...
> There was nothing there.
MIKE: You silly sod! You got us all worked up!
CROW: I soiled my armor I was so scared!
> Or was there? He stepped into the room, and caught
> a glimpse of moving white. Then, a flash of orange, and--
> "Hey!" Edgar, who was standing in the doorway, reeled as a multicolored blur
> whizzed by him.
MIKE: Jesus Christ!
CROW: I peed again!
> Suddenly, Sabin pushed his brother aside and leaped into the room. "Whoever
> you are, prepare to fight!" he exclaimed.
> At that, seven figures came out of hiding:
TOM: Trigger roll call!
CROW: This's gonna be like a Ratliff scene, isn't it?
> a teenage boy with spiky orange-
> red
> hair holding a samurai sword,
MIKE: Karate Kid 47: Who The Hell Cares?
> a girl with a blonde ponytail in a simple
> white
> outfit loading a crossbow,
CROW: When Penny went postal.
> a girl with purplish hair
ALL: You know it's anime...
> and glasses readying
> a blaster,
TOM: Those're pretty handy glasses.
CROW: Oh, they are.
> a blonde-haired woman wrapped in blue furs wielding her fists,
MIKE: [ Ayla ] Watch it! I'll toss my fists at you!
CROW: So what is she wielding her fists with?
> a knight-type person not unlike Cyan unsheathing a broad sword,
TOM: I am Inigo Montoya...
> a robot with
> no visible weapons,
CROW: [ little kid ] 'Cause he just opens up his chest and then KABLOOEY and
you're dead!
> and an interesing-looking man with long blue hair,
> pointed
> ears, and a red cape wielding a wicked-looking sickle.
TOM: That's a pretty handy cape.
CROW: Oh, it is.
> "Finally," the man with the cape said. "I've been waiting for a good battle
> since this wretched trip started."
> Everyone began to prepare for battle.
CROW: [ starts humming the Chrono Trigger battle song ]
TOM: [ starts humming the Final Fantasy III battle song ]
> Then Terra stepped forward.
> "HOLD IT!" she shouted.
BOTS: [ come to a screeching halt ]
> She turned to Mog and Edgar. "These are the heroes
> that I told you were coming! I'm sure of it," she said.
> Edgar glared at the seven newcomers.
MIKE: [ Edgar ] I could kick your butt with both eyes closed and one arm tied
behind my back.
CROW: [ Crono ] Well, I could kick your butt with both arms closed and one eye
tied behind my back! Wait a minute.
> "Really," he said in a suspicious tone.
> "Well, if they're such big heroes, then they won't mind being put in the
> dungeon for a while."
> "I don't think so," said the red-haired boy, who had a surprisingly deep
> voice.
MIKE: I'm selling liberties, author. Would you like to take a few of them?
> He and the others returned Edgar's glare.
>
> * * *
>
> "How do we get into these messes?" Crono wondered to himself as soldiers
> escorted him and the others to the dungeon.
> Marle, who was walking beside him, sensed his unease.
CROW: [ Troi ] I'm sensing distress.
TOM: [ Tony ] I'm sensing danger!
> "I don't like this
> either," she said, "but I think that...that green-haired woman will make
> sure we're treated all right."
> Lucca, who was standing behind them, spoke. "Even if they treat us well,"
> she said, "it's still embarrassing to be captured by a king you've never
> heard of." The others nodded in agreement.
MIKE: So they're trapped by King What's-his-Name?
TOM: The king from "Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood", I think.
>
> * * *
>
> Edgar, sitting on his throne, listened intently as Terra made her plea.
> "Please," she said, "I'm only asking to spend some time with them, get to
> know them a little. Then I can prove their legitimacy.
MIKE: [ Terra ] I tell you, their parents *were* married!
> And if I can't,
> that's that."
> Edgar weighed the offer in his mind. "All right," he finally said. "But take
> Celes with you, just in case."
> "Thanks a lot," Terra said. "You won't regret it."
TOM: [ Yakko ] You'll never live to regret it!
> Edgar wasn't so sure that he wouldn't regret it, but at least Terra was
> happy
> for the moment.
>
> * * *
>
> Magus sat on the hard cot in his dungeon cell, pondering this latest turn
> of events.
CROW: [ Magus ] This cot is *not* comfortable.
> At first he had considered the possibility of escaping, but
> doubted
> that even his magic, powerful as it was, would be of much use against so
> many heavily armed guards. He couldn't see into the cells on either side
> of him, but he knew they cotained Marle and Lucca, and the four cells across
> the corridor from him held Ayla, Crono, Robo, and Glenn.
MIKE: So he watched them get locked in the cells. Big deal.
> Just then, his excellent ears (after all, what good would they be if they
> were just big and pointy)
CROW: You could use 'em as hat racks.
> picked up the sound of walking towards their
> position.
> There were two sets of steps, both the light footfall typical of a woman.
TOM: [ Magus ] Woo-hoo! Babes!
> Neither was armored, though one carried a long sword.
> Suddenly Magus realized that he had picked up all that information using
> hearing alone. He reeled mentally, astonished at his own abilities.
CROW: [ Magus ] I have abilities! Wow!
> How intriguing, he thought. Another skill to hone...
>
> * * *
>
> Celes walked just behind Terra, her right hand poised near the hilt of her
> sword, still in its sheath.
CROW: On the advice of my lawyer, I have no comment at this time.
> Terra may think these people really are heroes,
> she thought to herself, but I don't trust them a bit.
> "Well, here we are," said Terra as they neared the cells where the newcomers
> were being held. Celes checked the locks on all their cells, and discovered
> that they were intact.
MIKE: As opposed to?
TOM: Oh, the guards forgot to put locks on their cell doors. Heh, what're the
odds?
> As she checked the lock on the red-haired boy's cell,
CROW: Oh, Charlie Brown's crush got a sex change!
> he said, "What, you
> actually thought we might try to escape or something? We may be brave, but
> we're not stupid."
> "Crono, just shut up," said the girl with the glasses. "Don't get us into
> any more trouble than we're in already."
CROW: They might bring out the *thingy*!!
> "Yes, that might be smart," said the man with the cape, in an unnervingly
> calm tone. "You see, I'm already going to wring your neck for this," he
> continued. "I wouldn't want to have to think of something else to do to
> you."
MIKE: [ Magus ] You see, I'm really not that creative, and if I try to think,
my brain'll probably pop.
> Crono's eyes widened a bit, and he gulped nervously, but he said nothing
> more.
> Then Terra began to speak. "Look," she said, "My name's Terra Branford, and
> this is my friend, Celes Chere."
CROW: [ Gambit ] 'Ello, mah cherie.
> Celes nodded respectfully, though she
> didn't feel at all respectful. "I'm going to try to prove that you
> shouldn't be in here,"
TOM: [ Terra ] You should be in France.
> Terra continued, "but obviously I'll need some proof
> first. One of the things I'd like to do is get to know you better, which
> will help me decide if you've got good character. We'll start that by
> hearing
> your names."
MIKE: Oh, she must be an astrologist of some sort. What's the word?
> "All right, then," said Crono, "I'm basically our leader, and as you heard,
> my name's Crono. Okay guys, let's sound off."
CROW: Sound off!
MIKE, TOM: One, two!
CROW: Sound off!
MIKE, TOM: Three, four!
> The woman wrapped in furs said, "Me Ayla. Me strongest in group. No have
> magic, though."
> Celes gave Terra a sideways glance.
CROW: [ Celes ] Here, hold this glance for me, would you?
> The knight said, in a heavy British-sounding accent, "Thou mayest call me
> Glenn. Though my magic is considerably weaker than..." He glanced at the
> man with the cape. "Though my magic is weak, I am a master
> swordsman."
> Celes gave Terra another sideways glance.
CROW: [ Celes ] And this one, too.
> Then the robot introduced itself. "I am called Robo," its digitized voice
> said. "I possess no magic, but my built-in laser weapons register
> 'Shadow' class damage."
> Before Celes could give Terra yet another sideways glance,
TOM: [ Terra ] I don't want any more of your stupid glances!
> the girl in the
> white outfit said spitefully, "You can call me Marle, and what kind
> of magic I use is none of your business."
> Celes heard Crono whisper in the direction of Glenn, "She's doing her angry
> princess routine again!" He and Glenn snickered softly.
MIKE: Heh-heh-heh. Was that funny?
> The girl with the purplish hair and glasses said, "I'm Lucca, the team whiz
> kid when it comes to mechanics, and fire's my element."
> The man with the cape was the last to introduce himself. He looked different
> from the others, Celes noticed. He looked older than his friends physically,
> though he was also clearly a teenager,
TOM: Guh?
CROW: A teenager?! Get real!
> but the somber air about him made
> him seem somehow...mature.
> Strange, Celes thought.
>
> * * *
>
> The man with the cape finally spoke.
CROW: [ Magus ] Oh, good, I got that peanut butter out of my mouth.
> "I am called Magus," he said. He
> glanced
> at Celes, looked back down, then continued. "I'm the most powerful magician
> in this little band, and I use Shadow magic.
CROW: So he makes solar eclipses?
MIKE: Lunar, actually.
TOM: And he lives in New Zebedee, I bet.
> However, I'm not an idiot, and
> neither are my friends. We've seen the guards you've got around here, and
> it wouldn't be smart for us to try to escape. So please, stop being
> paranoid."
TOM: Paranoid Android.
> She bought it!
MIKE: [ Magus ] The stupid idiot!
> Maybe that will get her off our tails, Magus thought
> to himself.
>
> * * *
>
> After Crono and company had introduced themselves, Terra produced a key from
> her pocket and proceeded to unlock Lucca's cell.
TOM: Trusting soul, ain't she?
> "WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?"
> exclaimed
> Celes.
MIKE: [ Celes ] We're supposed to save them for tonight's feast!!
> "Edgar never said I couldn't take them out of their cells," said Terra.
> "Besides, I'm going to take them one by one.
CROW: That has got to be a double entendre.
> And you'll be there 'just in
> case,' remember?" She giggled.
> "This is getting worse by the minute," muttered Celes as she followed Terra
> and Lucca out of the dungeon.
>
> * * *
TOM: Danger: Falling Asterisks.
>
> I wonder where we're going, thought Lucca as she walked, just behind
> Terra and just in front of Celes. Celes seemed nervous, afraid even. Lucca
> hoped that she was a better friend to people she knew well, like that
> Terra.
> Terra talked to her as they walked. "So, how did you guys get here?" she
> asked Lucca.
CROW: [ Lucca ] Magical fairy pixie-wixie dust!
> Lucca stopped, making Celes run into her head-on and Terra stop to come back
> to where she was standing. "Do you really want to know the whole
> story?"
> Terra nodded.
> "Well, we'll have to go back to the dungeon, so the others can help in the
> explanation," she continued. "And I might as well warn you now...this is
> going to take a while."
>
> * * *
CROW: You wanna hear my poem about asterisks?
MIKE: Maybe later.
>
> About three hours later, the storytelling was over and Terra, Celes, and
> Lucca were sitting in the castle library.
> "Your story is really amazing," said Terra. "But I noticed that man--oh,
CROW: [ Terra ] Baby, did I notice him!
> what was his name...May...
TOM: June, July...
> Moe...
MIKE: Oh, a wise guy, eh?
> uh..."
> "Magus?" Lucca put in.
> "Yes," said Terra. "I noticed that that Magus didn't say much about his
> past.
> Did he have some kind of...family tragedy or something?"
> Lady, you don't know the half of it, thought Lucca. However, all she
> said was, "Something like that."
> "There's one more thing I'd like to talk to you about," said Terra.
> "You've all been speaking about...magic."
TOM: Duh!
> "Yeah...something wrong with that?" said Lucca.
> Girl, you don't know the half of it, thought Terra.
CROW: Hey, maybe they could put their two halves together and get a full it!
TOM: Right now they've just got "i" and "t".
>
> * * *
>
> In their room in the Red Wing Inn, Setzer, Locke, and Percy
MIKE: Is this scene going to require censoring?
> - the only
> surviving
> Doma soldier, who had accompanied them - had finally finished their
> espionage
> mission in Zenobia, but they had one more task to complete. Locke was
> convinced
> that the Crown of Rosanne,
TOM: Would a crown even fit on Roseanne's head?
> an ancient (not to mention VERY,
> VERY, VERY valuable) relic, was hidden somewhere in Viva
> Zarok,
CROW: Viva le Zarok!
> Zenobia's capital city. And he was going to find it.
> As you can probably imagine,
MIKE: I didn't plan out this part of the story very well.
> this didn't make Setzer very happy.
> "Why you little @!#&% !!!!! WHY DIDN'T YOU MENTION THIS!? Then I
> wouldn't have come along! YOU..."
> The rest is too graphic to put in writing. It's just too horrifying...after
> all, Vehssian swear words are much more vivid than our own.
CROW: What does it say about a story when the third-person omniscient point of
view can't stay in character?
MIKE: It says it's a fanfic.
TOM: We're going to catch hell for stealing that riff.
MIKE: Stealing from who, ourselves?
TOM: Never mind.
> After he finally calmed Setzer down, Locke said, "Fine, then. You and Percy
> go back to Figaro Castle and give Edgar our spy report, while I stay here
> and go look for my treasure."
> Just as Setzer was agreeing to this, Percy rushed into the room. "Guys,
> we've got a problem--Emperor Zarok is sending an army of ONE THOUSAND MEN
CROW: Nooo! Not 1K men!
MIKE: C'mon, there's three thousand in our title alone!
TOM: Turns out they get caught by the M1K bug and by the time they get to
Figaro there's only one guy.
> to storm Figaro Castle, and he hasn't even officially declared war!! We have
> to warn the Returners!!!"
> Setzer and Percy collected their things and hurriedly rushed out the door,
> not even noticing that Locke wasn't following them.
> After all, someone had to find out more about this new threat.
> And as usual...
TOM: They left the oven on *again*.
> It would be Locke.
>
> * * *
>
> Percy was more worried than he'd ever been in his life as he boarded the
> airship. Even when everyone in Doma Castle except himself and Cyan, the
> knight,
> had been poisoned by Kefka, he hadn't felt so afraid. Doma had been a tiny
> kingdom...if Zarok's army were to invade Figaro, lives lost would count in
> the millions.
MIKE: If there's millions of people in Figaro, can't they beat a thousand-man
army?
CROW: It's all women and children.
MIKE: Oh.
TOM: Pfft, women and children.
> He climbed to the airship's deck, and found Setzer taking off.
> "Where's Locke?" asked Setzer. "I haven't seen him," said Percy, "but he
> has to be somewhere."
MIKE: [ Percy ] Um, unless he's not.
> "Well, that makes sense," replied Setzer, "but still, where could he
> be?"
> "I'm sure he'll show up later," said Percy. "Now, we have to high-tail it
> out of here!"
>
> * * *
BOTS: [ Wayne & Garth ] Scene change, scene change, party time, excellent! Woo
woo!
>
> Cyan was walking toward the throne room, wondering if Edgar had finished
> dealing with the two peasants who had wanted to join the Returners yet, when
> he heard the rotors of Setzer's airship coming near. So, Setzer, Locke, and
> Percy were back from their spy mission! Cyan wondered if they'd gotten hold
> of any interesting information.
MIKE: [ Setzer ] Elvis is alive flipping burgers in Maine!
CROW: [ Locke ] UFOs are kidnapping members of the FBI!
TOM: [ Percy ] And Bill Clinton and Monica--
MIKE, CROW: Heard it.
> Barely an instant later, Setzer and Percy ran past Cyan, nearly knocking
> him down, and not even bothering to apologize before they disappeared into
> the throne room.
> "What could be their problem?" Cyan wondered aloud.
TOM: They could be infected with lice.
MIKE, CROW: Eeeeew!
TOM: [ defensively ] Well, they could!
> "That's what we were wondering," said Terra as she, Celes, and Magus
> approached
> him.
> "Actually," said Magus, "I was wondering who they were."
> "Oh," said Terra. "Well, the soldier's Percy and the gambler's Setzer," she
> said.
CROW: Oh, well, *that* helps.
> "That's not much better," Magus muttered.
>
> * * *
>
> Edgar was sitting idly on his throne, hoping no one else would ask to join
> the Returners,
CROW: So did they ever define exactly what the "Returners" is?
MIKE: Not so far as I care.
> when Setzer and Percy rushed into the room. Percy immediately
> stepped up and began to explain about their intrusion.
> As Percy spoke, Edgar examined him. He was a rather short man, with dark
> brown hair that he kept in a neat crew cut. Back during his days at Doma
> Castle, he had worn it under a turban-like helmet, but now he was proud to
> show it to the world.
TOM: [ Percy ] Look at this! Look at my hair! My hair *rules*!!
> He wore a plain dark blue tunic, belted at the waist,
> black pants, and black leather boots. He carried a money pouch and his
> weapon--a
> whip--on his belt, which was black leather as well.
> And the message he brought was important. "Zarok is going to attack soon,
> with a thousand men! We must prepare for war!" he said.
MIKE: As opposed to preparing for lunch break.
> Edgar's expression turned grim. He didn't think he would have enough time
> to prepare for war... But maybe he was wrong. "How soon will they be here?"
> he asked Percy.
> "I don't know," said Percy nervously.
> "Great. Just great," said Edgar caustically. "Guys, go spread the word. We
> must make ready for war!"
CROW: Make ready, not war.
>
> * * *
>
> End of Part 1
TOM: And there was much rejoicing.
>
> Coming soon...more magic, mystery, intrigue, some flashbacks, and WAR
> with your fave characters from Final Fantasy III and Chrono Trigger! Don't
> miss it!
>
> Need a sample of Part 2?
CROW: Not on your life, I don't!
> Here goes!
>
> Edgar thrust his spear through the flimsy chain mail of his opponent,
MIKE: Mental note: curly phone cords strung together will not halt an oncoming
spear.
> quickly
> pulled it out, and edged away. He never stuck around long after an enemy
> had been defeated. Having to look at the blood was bad enough...
> He trotted away and circled the area, looking for another potential foe.
TOM: [ Edgar ] C'mon! Anyone else wanna take me? I'm man enough! I'll kill
you all with one stab!
> Not seeing anyone on the northern side at the moment, he ran over to the
> south side, where Zarok's second wave had just begun to arrive. He saw the
> mysterious new general--or what he could see of the general, since whoever
> it was was wearing a long hooded cloak--slaughtering one of his men,
MIKE: [ Edgar ] Ho hum, more death.
> strangling
> him with gauntleted hands.
> Edgar raised his spear and charged.
CROW: [ Edgar ] For egg salad!!
MIKE: [ Edgar ] For credit cards!!
TOM: [ Edgar ] For dear sweet Mummy!!
MIKE: C'mon, we've got some wacky comedy to take care of.
[ Everyone leaves the theater. ]
>
> * * *
[ 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... ]
[ SOL. M&TB are sitting in front of a computer set up on the counter-top. ]
MIKE: Hi, folks. Truth be told, we can't figure out a single solitary thing to
entertain you with at the moment. I'm in a chat room right now, and I've
asked for some ideas, so if you'll hang on a moment, we'll get on to the
silliness.
[ The computer beeps. ]
TOM: Ah, here we go.
CROW: Let's see...
COMPUTER: Tom and Crow try to see who can spit the farthest. Then they realize
they can't produce saliva.
MIKE: Hm.
TOM: Ptui!
CROW: Ptui!
TOM: Ptui!
CROW: Ptui!
TOM: Ptui!
CROW: P--wait a minute.
COMPUTER: Gypsy thinks she's Ms. Pac-Man and starts gobbling up the SOL
bridge.
GYPSY: [ goes across the screen ] Chomp chomp chomp chomp chomp chomp...
[ leaves ]
COMPUTER: Tom sets up a microwave oven with a warp drive. He uses this super-
powerful oven to make a Polish sausage explode.
Mike, Tom, and Gypsy play a game called "Make Crow Laugh."
Unfortunately, Crow cracks up right away and won't stop laughing.
CROW: Wah-ha-ha-ha!! Hee hee... Those were certainly lame.
[ The computer beeps. ]
TOM: Oh, goody.
COMPUTER: Mike & the 'Bots try to pick the best Yahoo Serious film, can only
come up with "Young Einstein."
MIKE: And that one where he got hit with an escape pod.
COMPUTER: Crow's twenty hour long documentary on a fly running around
someone's leg.
CROW: I liked that documentary.
COMPUTER: Tom Servo Sings Your Favorite Instrumentals.
TOM: Is that supposed to be an insult?
GYPSY: [ goes across the screen ] Chomp chomp chomp chomp chomp chomp...
[ leaves ]
[ beep ]
COMPUTER: A gigantic foot descends from the ceiling and squashes the bots, in
an homage to "Bambi vs. Godzilla."
MIKE: Not to mention Monty Python.
COMPUTER: Crow and Tom swap heads.
CROW: [ pulls Tom off-screen ]
COMPUTER: A quick, impromptu, word-for-word re-enactment of "Waiting for
Godot"--no explanations, no context, just Beckett in all his glory.
The SOL Crew meets Josie and the Pussycats in Outer Space.
CROW: [ comes back with Tom's head ] I wouldn't mind that.
TOM: [ has Crow's head ] Get back here!
[ beep ]
COMPUTER: The bots pretend to have some sort of obviously non-bot-like
disorders? This could be *really* tasteless. Imagine one of them
faking bulemia or leprosy (clunk!).
[ Crow and Tom's heads fall off with a "clunk!". Mike replaces them on the
correct bodies. ]
GYPSY: [ goes across the screen ] Chomp chomp chomp chomp chomp chomp...
[ leaves ]
[ beep ]
COMPUTER: Tom develops working arms.
TOM: Yesss!!
COMPUTER: Crow and Debbie get married.
CROW: Debbie!!
COMPUTER: Mike blows up the Satellite of Love, but is suddenly brought back to
existance for some unknown reason.
CROW: Douglas Adams could figure out how that would work.
[ The Commercial Sign flashes. ]
MIKE: Well, back to the drawing board, I guess. Maybe Pearl has some ideas.
TOM: We're really desperate, aren't we?
MIKE: Sure are. We'll be right back, folks. And incidentally, if you see that
guy who keeps saying "Mike and the bots meet Zena Bernstein", tell him
to bug off. It was funny once, but now it's just sad.
[ MST3K planet bumper. ]
GYPSY: Chomp chomp chomp chomp chomp chomp...
ALL: Stop it!
GYPSY: Sorry.
[ Commercials ensue. ]
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
End of part 3 of 6
Shay Caron (Shay_...@letterbox.com
-or-
glee...@aol.com)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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