Mist: R-Bombs
Charlie Ray
In the not too distant future...
<you know the rest>
[Interior of SOL. Crow is running on a treadmill. Tom is laying on the
table with a barbell across his chest. Mike is standing behind Tom
spotting for him.]
Tom: Oh for crying out loud, Mike, this is ridiculous.
Mike: Come on, Tom, three more reps, just three more.
Tom: But, Mike, my arms are shorter than my chest. I can't even do one.
Mike: Well, that's a good point. Okay. [takes bar off of Tom and looks
at camera] Hi, everybody, and welcome to the Satellite of Love. My
name is Mike Nelson and these two hard-bodies are my 'bot buds Tom
Servo and Crow T. Robot.
Magic Voice: Commercial sign in 5...4...3...2...1. Commercial sign now.
[Crow starts to wobble on the treadmill]
Crow: Whoooooaaaa!!!
[Crow flies off the back of the treadmill. Loud crashing noises from
offstage]
Mike: We'll be right back.
<Zeveral commerzialz later....get the mentos you need in half the time>
[Crow, Mike and Tom are standing behind the table. Crow has a bandage
around his head and is looking kind of shaky. Mike has an arm around
Crow steadying him.]
Tom: Are you okay, Crow?
Crow: I coudda been a contendah.
[Mads' light flashes]
Mike: Hang on, the buns of steel are calling. [He reaches forward to push
the button and as he does so he loses his grip on Crow and Crow falls
to the ground]
Crow: Aaaggghhh!!! <crash>
[Interior of Deep 13. Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank are facing the camera
with concerned looks on their faces.]
Frank: I hope the little guy is okay.
[SOL. Mike has picked up Crow who looks even more disoriented than before]
Mike: Are you okay, little buddy?
Crow: Skipper, is that you?
[Deep 13]
Dr. F: Enough of this frivolity. Get on with the invention exchange, Nelson.
[SOL]
Mike: This week I decided to let the 'bots handle the invention exchange.
Take it away, guys.
Crow: We feel like there is a major market out there that is going untapped.
Tom: That's right. If you only went by the products you see advertised
in the mainstream media you would assume there were no robots out
there with discretionary income.
Crow: So, we've decided to target this market and make our fortune before
anyone else does.
Tom: We've decided to start with something in the exercise field to
take advantage of the fitness craze.
Crow: If you've seen any bicycle riders lately then you probably noticed
that they're all turning into humpbacks. That's because they're
wearing the latest fad in unnecessary exercise equipment - the
camelback water bottle.
Tom: So, we decided to adapt this for our target market and came up with -
the camelback ram chip bottle.
Crow: That's right. So now when you're working out on those hot, dusty days
you'll always have refreshing ram chips with you.
Tom: We're going to try to get C3PO as our celebrity spokesperson.
Crow: No way, he's a dickweed. I think we should go with Al Gore.
Tom: You know, you're right. He's much more current. More hip.
Mike: But, he's not a robot.
Tom & Crow: He's not???
Mike: Anyway, what do you think, sirs?
[Deep 13]
Frank: Al Gore isn't a robot?
Dr. F: Shut up, Frank, and go get our invention exchange.
[Frank walks off screen]
Dr. F: Our invention exchange is along the same lines...
[SOL]
Crow: Gee, imagine that. [rolls eyes]
Tom: Wow, what are the odds.
[Deep 13]
Dr. F: Don't push me.
[Frank comes walking in with a camelback water bottle on his back]
Dr. F: Our invention exchange is aimed at those masochists who just can't
ever seem to find enough pain in exercise. People who participate
in the Ironman or those 48-hour endurance races.
Frank: We thought it would be a good idea to give them something to make
their lives harder.
Dr. F: So we came up with the camelback cotton bottle. Just strap it on
and go for a run or a ride or whatever.
Frank: And if you're feeling good just take a hit... [Frank sips on straw
and doubles over in a paroxysm of coughing.]
Dr. F: And you're instantly overcome with a case of cotton mouth.
Frank: <Marlon Brando voice> And when you're not working out it can be used
as a prop in your community theater's version of The Godfather.
Dr. F: [Turns and gives Frank the exasperated look, pauses a beat, then
turns back to the SOL] Anyway, booby, I had managed to secure
exclusive rights to a brilliantly written expose of how the clipper
chip was given to the CIA by the Grays and through continuous use how
it would gradually cause Venus to be drawn into the same orbit as
Earth. It was written jointly by John-_-Winston and Dan Gannon
and would have caused you extreme pain, but since I'm in a really
good mood today I've decided to be gentle with you.
Frank: Go ahead and tell them why you're in such a good mood, Steve.
Dr. F: Well, after many years of feeling misunderstood, like a stranger in a
strange land, I have finally found a group of people after my own
heart. Yes, on that great information superhighway I found a
newsgroup full of people that love the same things I do. It's
called alt.destroy.the.earth and it's filled with wonderfully
creative people who have all kinds of marvelous ideas. Instead of
the normal trash I send up to you I thought I would give you a break
this week and send you this masterpiece instead. Push the button,
Frank.
Frank: <Brando voice> That I cannot do.
Dr. F: Frank, push the button or wake up with Mr. Ed; it's your choice.
<click>
[SOL. Post sign flashes]
Mike: We got post sign...
[all run around madly]
< ....6.....5.....4.....3......2.....1.... >
> From anrw...@netcom.com (A.X. Lias)
> Newsgroups: alt.destroy.the.earth
Mike: Hey, check it out. Dr. F. has his own newsgroup.
> Subject: R-Bombs
> Date: Thu, 24 Mar 1994 02:50:22 GMT
> Nuking the planet is for wimps.
Tom: A real man would use a barbecue pit.
Crow: Honey-glazed Earth. Mmmm-mmm.
> Nanotech is too esoteric. Try R-Bombs.
Mike: What's so special about your bombs?
> What's an R-Bomb? Read on:
> R-Bombs are a neat, nasty way to off the entire planet which would only
> require about 10-25 yrs worth of technical work. I found it in _Flying
> to Valhalla_ by Charles Pellegrino.
Tom: <stewardess voice> For those of you who are catching a connecting
flight, I have some gate information here. Nirvana - J12,
Utopia - K13, Paradise - K5, and Heaven - J1. For those of you
whose final destination is Valhalla, thank you for flying Aesir
Airlines and have a nice day.
> The R stands for relatavistic. Siting the book
Crow: Oh, just put it anywhere.
Tom: Is that a ram chip I hear being lost.
Crow: Wait a minute. That wasn't just a spelling flame it was the basis
for a pun. That's a whole different ballgame.
Tom: Could we get a ruling on this please?
Mike: Well, I'm going to allow it this time. But watch your step in the
future.
> (which uses a space shuttle sized mass [any composition].
Tom: Would that be the fiberglass mockup used in the interior shots or the
miniature model used in the space sequences?
> Accellerate it to 92 percent the speed of light
Crow: <Scotty voice> I nae can do it, Captain. She's already overheatin'.
Tom: <Kirk voice> Damn it. Scotty. I. Need. More. Power.
Crow: <Scotty voice> Well, I suppose I could try takin' her out of first.
That might give us a little more power.
> (if your patient, an ion drive can do the job. Otherwise
> pick your favorite: bussard ram jet, omega plate, antimatter drive).
Mike: A gerbil on a wheel...
Crow: An unladen sparrow...
Tom: Cold fusion...
> If it were to enter the atmosphere above Manhattan (say),
All: If it were to enter the atmosphere above Manhattan.
> N. America, S. America and Europe would become an instant microwave oven.
Mike: <Minnesota old lady voice> Now, does that come with the rotisserie
option?
> This is just the begining. The sheet of fire that cut across the sky
> following this would probably incinerate any remaining life on earth.
Crow: .. the hell? If it's a microwave oven where did the fire come from?
Mike: <scolding parent voice> How many times do I have to tell you not to
put metal in the microwave!!
Tom: <small child voice> Three.
> But, if you really wanted to be efficient, you would break you mass
Crow: You mass? Isn't that a college in Amherst?
Tom: Judges, please!!
Mike: I'm sorry. I'm afraid that one's going to cost you.
Crow: <mumbling> bite me.
Mike: That's two.
> into 20 kg lumps and let them rain over the planet during the course of
> several days.
All: <singing> Purple rain, purple rain....
> Dr. Pellegin estimates that at 92% light-speed, an object entering the
> atmosphere will radiate one-trillion watts per square centimeter (!!).
> Now try this with a 2,000,000 ton asteroid.
Mike: Remember kids, always get an adult to help you when playing with
asteroids of more than 1,000 tons.
> But wait, there's more.
Tom: If you destroy the Earth before midnight tonight you'll also receive
the dance mix of "She's Having My Baby" on glorious 8-track.
> R-bombs are impossible to intercept. Because (if we push the speed to
> 95% c) by the time you saw it at 2 light-years, it would only be 8 weeks
> away.
Mike: <Minnesota old lady voice> They grow so fast at that age doncha know.
> By the time you saw it at 8 weeks it would be 4 days away. In other words,
> with only slight variations in trajectory, it would be litterally
> unstoppable.
Tom: But, for Vince Lombardi and the Green Bay Packers there would be
another day.
> For that matter, you couldn't tell R-Bomb apart from a relatavistic ship
> filled with friendly ET's.
Crow: Friendly? Smarmy would be more like it. Everytime I see John
Tesh I wanna...
Mike: No, Crow, not those ET's. The kind that come from outerspace.
Crow: What's your point?
Mike: As embarrassing as it is to admit it, John Tesh is technically an
Earthling.
> So much for earth. Now, if you wanted to take care of the rest of the
> universe, seed the galaxy with Von Neuman machines
Tom: Von Neuman? I loved him in Mad magazine.
Mike: No, that was Alfred E. Neumann.
Crow: I thought he was a newscaster.
Mike: No, that was Edwin Newman.
Tom: I thought Edward R. Murrow was the newscaster.
Mike: Well, yes, but...
Crow: Isn't he the guy on Northern Exposure?
Mike: No, that's Rob Morrow.
Tom: I thought he was the guy on Combat.
Mike: No, oh never mind.
Crow: But, I'm still confused.
Mike: Just drop it.
Tom: But...
Mike: Drop it.
> dedicated to building R-bombs and firing them at the nearest, convinient
> radio source.
Crow: <DJ voice> This is WMARS you're all disco station. We're all disco,
all the time.
> Over time, they were spread out to the rest of the universe.
> Exit Life, stage left.
Tom: I think that's our cue.
[All get up and start to walk out]
> Comments?
> --
> Andrew Lias | anrw...@netcom.com
> *-------------------*-------------------------------*----------------------*
> "Authority has every reason to fear the skeptic, for authority can rarely
> survive in the face of doubt." -- Robert Lindner
< .....1.....2.....3.....4.....5.....6..... >
Mike: You know, this sort of stuff really burns me up. I mean, okay, the
Earth has some problems, but gosh darn it it's still our home and I
say we need to stick up for her. What do you guys think? Are you
with me?
Crow: Actually, Mike, I've never been on Earth so I don't really have any
great affinity for it.
Tom: Me neither. I was made here on the Satellite of Love so I don't
really care what happens to Earth.
Crow: And besides, Mike, since the only escape pod has already been used
you're never going back so why do you care?
[Mike begins weeping softly. Gypsy enters the room.]
Gypsy: Hey you guys, what's going on? Why is Mike crying?
Crow: Oh he's just upset because some people who don't have enough to do
are trying to think of ways to destroy the Earth.
[Muffled wail from Mike]
Gypsy: Destroy the Earth!! Oh my, that's horrible. If the Earth is
destroyed what would happen to Richard Basehart?
Tom: Oh sure, there would be some losses, but these things happen.
Gypsy: Just remember this, my little red friend, without Earth - no more ram
chips!!
Crow: Oh my God!!! I hadn't thought about that!
Tom: Oh the humanity!
Crow: Something has to be done immediately.
Tom: We're sorry, Mike, we weren't thinking.
Crow: We're with you now, buddy.
Mike: [looks up, wipes away a tear] But, what can we do?
Tom: Actually, Mike, I don't think there's anything we need to do.
Crow: Yeah, considering they need a spaceship going 92% of the speed of
light starting several light years away I really don't think this
is any short term danger.
Mike: That's true. I let my emotions get the best of me and I didn't
think it through logically. Thanks, guys.
Crow: No problem. That's what pals are for. [turns to Tom] what a femme.
Tom: No kidding.
Mike: What was that, guys?
Tom: Nothing, nothing.
Mike: [looks at camera] What do you think, sirs?
[Deep 13. Dr. F. is in the background working on a large mockup
of a space shuttle.]
Dr. F: [turns around guiltily] Can't talk now, booby, we're working on a new
experiment.
[Frank walks in from behind the shuttle]
Frank: Clay, I have the antimatter containment field finished, but the guy
hasn't shown up yet with our antimatter.
[Doorbell rings]
Dr. F: Ah, that must be him now.
[Frank opens door. Haunting Torgo theme begins to play]
Torgo: HeRe iS tHe anTiMAtTeR yOu OrDeREd.
[Frank pays Torgo and takes the antimatter]
Torgo: tHaNK yOu, SiR. AnD HeRe aRe YoUr FrEe CaRbOn RoDs. [begins to reach
into pants]
Frank: NO! No, that's quite all right. We have our own.
Torgo: OkAy, iF yOU'rE SuRe.
Dr. F: Quite sure, thank you.
[Torgo leaves. Haunting Torgo theme suddenly comes to an end]
Dr. F: Push the button, Frank.
<click>
<Haunting MST3K closing song>
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production of this post. No offense is intended towards Andrew Lias. He
just happened to post in the wrong place at the wrong time. Keep circulating
the posts.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
> R-Bombs are a neat, nasty way to off the entire planet which would only
> require about 10-25 yrs worth of technical work.
Andrija Popovic
Great job. I was ROTFL through out the whole thing. However, I kept
expecting someone to make a _Space Cruser Yamato_ or _Mobile Suit Gundam_ quip.
Both Japanese animated series have a fondness for orbital bombardments.
Leader Desslok (nee Dessler) planetbombed Earth into submission while the Jions
and Neo-Jions in the MS Gundam series enjoyed dropping things like, oh, large
asteriods and O'Neil colonies on portions of ole Ma Earth. I wonder if Dr. F
has had similar ideas:
DR. F: (fiddling with orbital dynamics calcuations that show the SOL and New
York having an unfriendly meeting.) Frank, where are those satilite maps I
asked for.
FRANK: (enters with stack of paper) Here you go Steve.
DR. F: Thanks Fra...FRANK! These are orbital maps of Jabro!!! How the Hell
am I suposed to drop a 2.5 million ton satilite on Comedy Central next time
they interupt our feed if the blasted thing is targedted at Jabro!!!
Ah well, next Msting...
0tt0(arp...@psuvm.psu.edu)
THE PENN STATE NEO-JION PARTY
"When demcracy fails, bomb them from orbit."