[MiSTing] "Total Turbulance" (1/2)
Tjats
Since my sucess in writing four episodes of Science Fiction Theater
1,000,000,000(formerly Mystery Sci-Fi Theater 1,000,000,000) last television
season, I've decided to start another string of episodes.
In case you missed the last four; "The Cartoons Combined"(101), "Slick in
Off-Road Brawl"(102), "The Odyssey"(103), and "The New Season"(104), you can go
to Web Site Number Nine's MiSTing Archive located at.
If you missed "The New Season", here's what happened at the end: Pearl got
fed up with Mike and the 'Bots, so she had Brain Guy whip up a huge cannon to
shoot them down. The Satelite gets hit, and splashes down in the Pacific
Ocean. Gypsy turns the ship into "Submarine Mode"(?) and Mike swims back up to
the surface to get help. In Castle Forrester, Pearl is at the end of her fuse
with Mike's escape, and the first person she seeks revenge upon is Jim Whaley,
who has just delivered two anchovy pizzas to Bobo...
disclaimer:
All MST3K-related characters are trademarks of Best Brians, Inc.
Sonic the Hedgehog and characters are trademarks of DIC, Archie Comics, or
SEGA.
The author of the fanfic "What Would Sonic Look Like..." is unknown to me.
Please let me know who it is so proper credit can be given.
The nice folks at Archie Comics were not able to be contacted about using
their material.
It is my suggestion that you read the MiSTing "The New Season" before reading
this one.
Otherwise you will have no clue what any of this is about.
----------------------
episode 201 of SFT1B
Turn down your lights...(if you want to.)
In the not-too-distant future,
In a castle near Iran,
Pearl Forister and her two sidekicks
Were hatchin' up a nasty plan.
They bougt some pizza from a guy named Jim,
A guy who obeyed their every whim.
They figured that his soul was just too free,
So they stuffed him in a capsule and they launched him out to sea!
(Jim: When do I get paid!?!)
"We'll send him cheesy stories,
The worst we can find.(lalala)
He'll have to sit and read them all,
And we'll monitor his mind!"(lalala)
Now keep in mind Jim can't controll
Which story she'll send him next.(lalala)
He'll try and think of a way out
With the help of his robot friends!
ROBOT ROLL CALL
CAMBOT("Hit it!")
GYPSY("Oh, my!")
TOM SERVO("Buck up, newmeat!")
CROOOOOOOOOOW!("You know you want me, baby!")
If you're wondering how they work and play,
And other science facts,(lalala)
Go get a degree in physics,
Or really just relax!
for Science Fiction Theater 1,000,000,000!
1...2...3...4...5...6...
[SOL int.] Jim Whaley, a teenager with dark hair and a white t-shirt(as
opposed to a jumpsuit)
is standing behind the counter. In the background, we hear not the regular
spaceship sounds
as in previous episodes, but submarine-type sounds. The windows now have an
underwater scene,
which has replaced the stary scape, and the satelite seems to be a bit more
blue on the inside.
JIM: Hi, everyone. I'm Jim Whaley. Welcome to the Submarine of Love. Now,
if you're
confused, don't ask me because I don't know anything about what happened before
I got here.
[bends toward Cambot, whispering] Even though I'm the writer of this thing!
[Servo and Crow enter from oppoiste sides.]
CROW: Hi, Scott.
JIM: It's Jim.
CROW: Whatever. Look, we need your help.
JIM: Okay, what?
SERVO: Well, the water's starting to seep in from the hole made by that cannon
shot that
brought us down here, and...
JIM: WHAT?!? We've got to do something! Gypsum!
CROW: Gypsy.
JIM: Right. Gypsy!
[Gypsy enters.]
GYPSY: What is it, Nick?
JIM: It's Jim. The water's started to flood the ship! You've got to do
something! Cambot,
red alert!
[Red lights go off on the wall. Jim starts to run around in a panic yelling
"Oh my God, we're
going to die!" and things like that. The 'Bots are calm.]
SERVO: Uh, Jim, the hole's only a millimeter wide. There's just a small
puddle on the floor
under it.
JIM: Oh. I knew that.
['Bots shake their heads]
MAGIC VOICE: 15 seconds to commercial sign.
[Jim looks up.]
JIM: What was that? And what's "Commercial Sign" supposed to mean?
SERVO: That's not improtant.
MAGIC VOICE: Commercial Sign in 3...2...1...Commercial Sign now.
-commercial sign-
CROW: We'll be right back.
JIM: Why'd you say that?
planet logo(underwater, with fish and sorts of underwater stuff)
JIM[voiceover]: Oh.
(commercials)
[SOL int.] Same as before commercials.
JIM: So, what's been going on here for the last nine years?
SERVO: Well, Pearl Forrester's son had us watching bad movies before she took
over,
and...we're still doing it.
JIM: So, what's going to happen to me?
-mads sign-
JIM: What do I do?
CROW: Push that red button.
JIM: Oh.
[Jim pushes the button.]
[Castle Forrester]: Pearl is in front of Bobo and Observer, who are hastily
assembling a very
large machine.
PEARL: So, Jimbo, it's your first experiment. Are you feeling lucky?
[SOL]
JIM: I guess not.
[CF]
PEARL: Oh. Well, then...GOOD! Hahahahahahahahahaha!
[SOL]
JIM: So, what's the experiment?
[CF]
PEARL: Oh, you're going to LOVE it! It's a couple of shorts titled "What
Sonic Would Look Like In Everyday
Commercials" and "600 How-to and Money-Making Ideas". Your regularly scheduled
feature is called
"Total Turbulence". It was made by those nice guys at Archie Comics. Have
fun, kiddies!
[SOL]
-movie sign-
'BOTS: We've got fanfic sign!
JIM: What's happening?
CROW: Gogogogo!
[Crow pushes Jim off-camera.]
6...5...4...3...2...1...
[Jim carries Servo into the theater, Crow enters.]
>What Sonic Would Look Like In Everyday Commercials
>
CROW: He'd look like he was in a commercial, duh!
>Ah, yes. We've seen the Flintstones in Fruity/Coaco Pebbles
>cerealcommercials. But what would commercials on TV look like
>if we added all the Sonic characters? Lets take a look at some...
SERVO: Lets not.
>All characters (c) Dave Pistone, Me, Sega, & Carol Schwieness. All
>rights reserved
>
> SONIC TV COMMERCIALS
>Tails in Kibbles & Bits: "I'm a champion. I love to Eat." Tails says,
>holding a bag of Pedigree dog food.
CROW: But Tails is a fox.
>"And when I eat, I love to eat Pedi..."
>Antione, Sandra, Lupe, Drago, and Jon run by, yelling "KIBBLES & BITS!
SERVO: Who's Jon?
CROW: I have no idea...AND I'M A FANBOY, TOO!
>KIBBLES & BITS! WE'RE GONNA GET US SOME KIBBLES & BITS! Tails thinks to
>himself, then decides. "Hmm... I'm gonna get Me some Kibbles & Bits!"
JIM: Well, I guess he changed into a dog or something.
>Hershey in Fresh Step:
SERVO: The chocolate bar?
CROW: No, Hershey's the one who accidentaly cut Sally's rope in the comics!
JIM: You just gave away the plot of the story we're getting next!
CROW: D'OH!!!!
> Sally stands at Hershey's cottage, holding a bag of Tidy Cat. "Uh... I
>know you like fresh step Cat Litter, but, uh... This one was on sale!"
SERVO[as Sally]: Plus you tried to kill me, so I got Brand X.
>Hershey looks at Sally with disapointment, and slams the door in her
>face. A few minutes later, Sally is back with a bag of Fresh Step.
>"Okay! You win!" Hershey "Meow" 's in victory, and throws the key to
>Sally.
JIM: But can't she do her own shopping?
>Sonic & Sally in Rooms-To-Go:
> Sonic & Sally are busy explaining how you can buy a room
>cheap. "Its about value, it's about time, it's about
>Rooms-To-Go." They say in unison.
ALL: That wasn't interesting at all!
> I'll be back with more commercials...
SERVO: ...after this one.
[commercial]
JIM[vo]: Servo, how do you do that?
SERVO[vo]: I don't know.
>Subject: 600 How-To Guides
CROW: Windows 3.1 for Dummies, Windows 95 for Dummies, Windows 98 for
Dummies...
>From: yxjb...@businfo.com
SERVO: Effective password, bad screen name.
>Date: Sun, Aug 16, 1998 01:15 EDT
>Message-id: <35d66aff...@dns.icsdev.net-MINC>
>
>
>Over 600 How-To & Money Making Ideas
JIM[as Jeff Foxworthy]: Bury half your money in a mayonase jar in the front
yard.
>
>Start your own home-based mail order business selling
>information
CROW: To the communists!
>by mail!!! It has never been easier, and you will never
>see it anywhere else offered at this rock bottom price!!!
SERVO: Oh, we're at rock bottom, all right...
>Selling information by mail, such as how-to reports, is a
>Billion Dollar Industry that will be around forever!
JIM: 'Cuz we're ISO9001-Certified!
>There is no doubt about it. People will always be willing
>to spend money for
CROW: Girl Scout cookies.
>information and ideas that will make them wealthier and wiser!!!
SERVO[as J.K. Robertson]: Because here at Gen Corp, we make people smart!
>Now you too can
CROW[as Bob Thornon]: be a Martian!
>make $1,000s monthly Selling Information by Mail!
JIM: That's capitalized. I hope it's not the name of their business.
>You've seen others offering
CROW: their souls to Satan and it's time to tell them to stop.
>to help you get started in the selling information-by-mail
>business but never like this! Our revolutionary,
SERVO[as Britan]: Yes, we lost, but it was because of those damned Americans!
>new CD ROM holds over 600 of the "hottest", "most sought after",
JIM: Note the quotation marks.
>how-to reports and other money-making guides available today!!
>
>For more information follow link to:
SERVO: http://www.wesuck.com/
JIM: Servo, please.
CROW[as caveman]: Me follow link. Me smart.
>
>http://members.xoom.com/Businfo/index.html
>
CROW: Thank you, and good night.
[Jim, Servo, and Crow exit.]
1...2...3...4...5...6...
[SOL bridge] Servo, Crow and Gypsy are gathered around Jim.
SERVO: So, Jim, tell us...how the heck did you land a job in a crummy pizza
parlor?
JIM: Well, I guess it was just luck. I was wandering around looking for jobs,
and all of
a sudden this pizza place apeared in front of me with a "Help Wanted" sign.
So, I went in and got the job.
CROW: Jeez, they must really have been desperate! They took *you* in!
[Servo and Crow laugh]
GYPSY: Now, boys...
JIM: This nice satyr greeted me and said something like "HeLlO AnD WeLcOmE to
TorGo'S piZZa."
[The 'Bots freeze]
JIM: What?
SERVO: TORGO?
CROW: As in "I watch the place while the Master is away" Torgo?
GYPSY: AAAAAHHHHHHHHHGGGG!!!!! [falls over]
JIM: Huh? You know him?
SERVO: AAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHHH![runs away in panic]
CROW: I'm over it already.
JIM: So would you mind telling me what this is all about?
CROW: It involves too much deep hurting.
JIM: Oh, okay.
-commercial sign-
JIM: We'll come back soon. [to Crow]: Did I do it right?
CROW: Well...
[planet logo underwater]
[commercials for Kahlua Mudslide and Volkswagon]
------------
Jim, the Mistie
"This is where the fish lives."
"I *know*!"
I repost upon request.
Questions? Concerns? Comments? Complaints?
e-mail me at tj...@aol.com