MSTed - "Down the Drain" [2/2]

[Bonnie S Walling]

[Part 2]

> &:O Commander, did you forget, I am the one in charge!

JOEL: IąM THE GOD! IąM THE GOD!

>~~ Janeway,
>kicks Chakotay

TOM: Sheąs only in it for kicks!

> ":* Yes ma'am ~~ Chakotay
> &:| Let's get moving then ~~ Janeway

TOM: Oh, please do. Andy Warholąs łSleep˛ had more action than this!

> Scene 3

> The group is heading in any old direction, going basically in circles,

CROW: Soąs this story.

>until they spot
> something on
> the horizon.

CROW: (as C3PO): A transport! Iąm saved!

> $:O Look! I spot something on the horizon! ~~ Paris

TOM: This story is redundant, and it says the same thing over and over too.
CROW: Brought to you by the Department of Redundancy Department.

> &:o What? What?! ~~ Janeway
> $:O I dunno! ~~ Paris

TOM AND CROW: Third base!
JOEL: Oh, Bil Keane wrote this.

> >:| I suggest we go find out what the damn thing is. ~~ Tuvok
> &:o Good idea
> <They walk for a long while, until they come to a sign>
> ":O What does it say? ~~ Chakotay

JOEL: It says łEnter at your own risk!˛
CROW AND TOM: TAKE THE RISK!

> $:O What, ya can't read English? ~~ Paris

TOM: And you canąt speak English.

> V:| It's not written in English, dumbass ~~ Kim

CROW: (as Pepe Le Pew) Itąs written in the language of loooove.

> $:O Ooooh, that would explain the weird cryptic writing ~~ Paris

TOM: Not exactly a candidate for the Nobel Prize, is he?

> &:| Why do we keep you around? ~~ Janeway

CROW: Because he looks FAAAABULOUS in a swimsuit!

> ":| So what does it say? ~~ Chakotay
> >:| I believe it reads: Oooh! YE! Loo! GEE! Volkswagen! Mitsubishi! YE!
>Loo! Loo!
> LOO! ~~

CROW: Suddenly itąs Japanese Noh theater!
TOM: Arrrggghhh! I hate performance art!
JOEL: Does the author think sheąs being funny?
CROW: Either that, or sheąs having a brain seizure.

> Tuvok, making weird shrieking noises

CROW: No, really? I thought he was reciting Shakespeare.

> &:o Oh, I get it ~~ Janeway
> ":S I don't ~~ Chakotay

ALL: We donąt.

> &:o It's obviously written in some weird alien language, that Tuvok is
>TOO BIG OF AN
> IDIOT!! to read in English. ~~ Janeway

ALL: Wok wok waaaahhhhk

> ":o Ah, I am enlightened ~~ Chakotay

CROW: łLittle Buddha,˛ starring Keanu Reeves.

> V:* I thought you were Chakotay ~~ Kim
> ":O You are an idiot, just like Tuvok ~~ Chakotay
> V:o Cool. Do I get the neat pointy ears too? ~~ Kim

TOM: Thatąs it. This author is now officially marked for death.

> <Chakotay sighs>
> &:| Idiot boy, will you please tell me how the sign reads in English?
>~~ Janeway

CROW: Well, it opens the book, scans the page with its eyes. . .

> V:o How am I supposed to know what it means? ~~ Kim
> &:@ Not you, Tuvok! ~~ Janeway
> >:| Captain, I believe that, in English, the sign reads:
> Ooh! -> four miles
> GEE! <- ten miles
> Mitsubishi! -> eighty miles
> Loo! <- twelve miles ~~ Tuvok

TOM: Oh, now it makes sense ‹ huh?

> &:| Hmm. Interesting. ~~ Janeway
> ":| Yeah, kind of makes you horny, doesn't it? ~~ Chakotay

CROW: Oh, heąs into auto-erotica! Get it? Mitsubishi, auto. . .(His voice
trails off when Joel makes a threatening gesture towards him).

> &:@ Commander, this is not the time or the place! ~~ Janeway
> ":( Okay ~~ Chakotay
> &:o Now, where do you think should go? ~~ Janeway

TOM: I think should go STRAIGHT TO HELL!

> V:o Ooh! ~~ Kim
> }:O GEE! ~~ Torres
> $:O Mitsubishi ~~ Paris
> >:O Loo! ~~ Tuvok

CROW: Cubby!
TOM: Karen!
JOEL: Annette!
TOM: Chief!
CROW: McCloud!

> ":* Ow! ~~ Chakotay, after Janeway smacks him

ALL: (cheers)

> &:O Sorry Chakotay, it's just that they're being too idiotic, and you
>were in the closest
> range ~~
> Janeway
> ":o Tuvok's closer ~~ Chakotay
> &:o Well, and I wanted to get back at you for your horny comment too ~~
>Janeway

TOM: Hey, Crow, this sounds like the story of your life.

> ":o Oh... ~~ Chakotay
> &:| I say we go to Ooh! because its closest. ~~ Janeway
> V:) Sounds good to me ~~ Kim
> ":P Suck up ~~ Chakotay
> V:o Oh, and like you don't suck - ~~ Kim

ALL: YOU ALL SUCK!

> &:@ Boys! Stop it! ~~ Janeway

CROW: (Mom voice) Billy! Get your little brotherąs head out of the toilet,
right now!

> Scene 4

> <The group goes to Ooh!, where they meet a strange race of people, who
>look like
> something
> that would clog a drain>

TOM: Deadheads?

> &:0 Hello, I am Captain Kathryn Janeway, of the Federation Starship
>Voyager ~~
> Janeway

ALL: Hi, Kathryn.

> *:* Really? ~~ Hairy alien
> &:| Yes ~~ Janeway
> *:* Are you sure? ~~ Alien
> &:| Yes, very sure ~~ Janeway
> **:* I'd beg to differ ~~ 2nd Alien

CROW: Oh, this sparkling repartee! Why, there hasnąt been dialogue this
taut and witty since łThe Thin Man!˛

> &:O What? ~~ Janeway (getting confused)
> **:* I do not believe that you are who you say you are ~~ 2nd Alien
> &:@ Huh? ~~ Janeway
> *:* Do you have proof that you are Captain Janeway of the Federation
>Starship Voyager?

TOM: (redneck cop voice) Sąpose you whip out your license and registration.
> ~~
> Alien
> &:( Um, well... ~~ Janeway
> **:* See! I told you so! ~~ 2nd Alien
> *:* Do you have a drivers license? ~~ Alien
> . &:( Actually, well, no... ~~ Janeway
> **:* Oh, and so you're an underage drinker too! ~~ 2nd Alien

CROW: The Oksana Baiul arrest is reenacted.

> &:@ What? ~~ Janeway <Is beginning to get a dangerous look in her eyes.

TOM: łDangerous Eyes,˛ starring Michelle Pfeiffer.
JOEL: Or Annie Potts.

> Chakotay
> jumps in>

TOM: And the Russian judge deducts .5 from his score because he didnąt tuck.

> ":O Are you people crazy? ~~ Chakotay
> *:* Who are you? ~~ Alien

TOM: THEY CALL ME MR. TIBBS!

> ":| My name is Chakotay ~~ Chakotay
> **:* What do you want? ~~ 2nd Alien
> ":O Nothing really, just, quit bugging my babe ~~ Chakotay

CROW: Yeah, leave that pig alone!

> **:* Your *babe*? ~~ 2nd Alien
> ":| Um, yes ~~ Chakotay <Janeway kicks him>

TOM: Sheąs kicking again! What, does she think sheąs Bruce Lee?
JOEL: More like Chris Farley as the Beverly Hills Ninja.

> *:* Is she who she claims to be? ~~ Alien
> ":| Yes ~~ Chakotay
> *:* Oh. Okay. <The aliens leave>

CROW: Well, that was a totally meaningless scene.
TOM: And the other scenes were full of penetrating insight?

> &:O I'm confused. ~~ Janeway <Chakotay pats her on the shoulder>
> ":| It's okay, really. ~~ Chakotay
> &:o Let's go someplace else ~~ Janeway

TOM: (as Janeway): Iąve got to get out of this fanfic! Itąs more
humiliating than playing Mrs. Columbo!

> }:O Sounds good to me ~~ Torres
> $:O These people are weird ~~ Paris
> <They walk around for awhile, then come to what appears to be the middle
>of town.>
> **:**Hail the plug! ~~ 3rd Alien

CROW: All bow down before Tampax!
JOEL: Thatąs it. Youąve got TWO time-outs coming now, buddy.

> *:** Hail!! ~~ Other Aliens
> &:O What's that? ~~ Janeway <The aliens are crowded around what appears
>to be a drain
> plug.>

TOM: But is really a piece of modern sculpture.

> ":O I've got an idea ~~ Chakotay
> $:O What? ~~ Paris
> ":| Captain, I want you to go up there and pull the plug out ~~
Chakotay
> &:@ Are you crazy? ~~ Janeway

CROW: (as Janeway) Itąs my heaviest day!
JOEL: FOUR time-outs, Crow. And no ram chips for a week.

> ":O Just do it, it might be our only chance of getting out of here ~~
>Chakotay
> }:O I'm not sure I understand the whole concept of what you're talking
>about,
> Commander
> ~~ Torres
> ":| Neither do I... ~~ Chakotay

TOM: Neither do we!

> }:o Oh, great, we're doomed now ~~ Torres

JOEL: (as Torres) Weąll never get other acting jobs! Weąll be stuck making
personal appearances at Star Trek conventions for a living!

> &:0 Fine, I'll do it ~~ Janeway.
> <Janeway pushes her way through the crowd, and comes up to the plug.
>The aliens start
> screaming.

JOEL: Ladies and gentlemen. . .Elvis Presley!

>Janeway pulls the plug. The aliens start wailing even
>louder, as the world
> around
> them begins to go down the drain...>

TOM: (beatnik voice) Ohh wooow. . .heavy, man! Like, this is sooo existential!

> >:| This is highly illogical ~~ Tuvok
> <The away team is sucked down the drain.>

ALL: YAAAAYYYY!
TOM: Itąs over! Itąs finally, finally over!
CROW: Free at last, free at last, thank God almighty, weąre free at last!


> Scene 5

ALL: CRAP!

> <They are back in the empty pool.>
> &:o Huh? What happened? ~~ Janeway

TOM: Ever notice that throughout this entire story, nobody has had a
single clue about what was going on?
JOEL: Neither did the author.

> V:O I think that when you pulled the drain plug out, it created some
>sort of strange
> vortex that
> returned us to Voyager ~~ Kim

TOM: Yep. Typical Star Trek. Through in some half-assed
scientific-sounding explanation and pray that the audience is dumb enough
to buy it.

> ":\ Whatever ~~ Chakotay
> $:( I'm confused ~~ Paris
> }:) You're ugly too ~~ Torres

ALL: Wok wok waaaahhhhk

> V:| Haven't we used that line before? ~~ Kim
> }:o What does it matter? It's still true ~~ Torres
> V:| Good point ~~ Kim
> $:O Computer, end program. ~~ Paris

TOM: Writer, end story. ~~ Tom

> <The pool disappears>
> &:O I'm going back to the Bridge ~~ Janeway

CROW: Iąm going to throw myself off of it.

> $:o Wearing that? ~~ Paris <Motions to her bathing suit.>
> &:) Yes, yes I am. ~~ Janeway

JOEL: Ladies and gentlemen ‹ Miss Voyager!

> $:O Isn't that a bit little to be wearing? ~~ Paris
> &:) I was wearing even less at the parade ~~ Janeway

TOM: Oh, at the ‹ huh? The hell?

> V:O Parade? What parade? I didn't know there was a parade! ~~ Kim
> &:) You guys must have been asleep ~~ Janeway
> $:| Hmm... ~~ Paris

JOEL: Itąs the Hum Along With Herman Show!

> &:) Yep, me and the Commander had our own little parade around the ship
>the other day
> ~~
> Janeway
> ":) I was the float... ~~ Chakotay

JOEL: (chuckling) Oh, that Chakotay! Heąs so saucy!

> END EPISODE SIX

ALL: HOORRAYYY!
TOM: Yes! Yes! Yes!
CROW: Thatąs the news, and WE ARE OUTA HERE!

{0. . .5. . .4. . .3. . .2. . .G}

(Back on SOL bridge. Joel taps the edge of Cambot).

JOEL: Frank. . .Frank, are you still there? Weąre done with the fanfic. . .

TOM: (growling) That unadulterated piece of crap which you so
unnecessarily sent us. . .

JOEL: So how about bringing us down now?

[Deep 13]

(Frank is kneeling over Dr. Forresterąs prone body, in the same pose as
the woman in the famous photo taken after the Kent State massacre).

FRANK: (wailing) AAAUUGGHH! Itąs no use! He still wonąt wake up! Heąs dead, Jim!

(Suddenly, Dr. F. stirs and starts to sit up slowly with arms straight out
in front of him, a la the stereotypical Frankenstein monster. His hair is
fried, and there are wisps of smoke coming up from it. Frankąs mood
changes from sorrowful to jubilant)

FRANK: HEąS ALIVE! ALIVE!!!

(Dr. F. has a silly grin on his face. He says slowly, in a deep bass voice:)

DR. F: Donąt worry. I wonąt hurt you. I just want to have some fun.

FRANK: Steve! Youąve changed! Youąre happy!

DR. F.: Yes, Iąm happy. (Suddenly changes to mean, surly mood). And that
makes me UNHAPPY! You know Iąm never content unless Iąm being mean and
evil! Youąre going to pay for this, Frank! (He grabs the Frank Zapper,
starts after Frank. Frank runs away, screaming. He chases Frank back and
forth, until Frank finally runs straight forward, runs into the console,
and falls over on the button. We see Dr. Forrester approaching behind him
as the picture disappears).

[poooffff]

(Over end theme, we hear sound of Frank being shocked again and again).

MSTed by Bonnie Walling, with additional riffs by Jamas Enright

Thanks to Sharon Bogie for proofreading and encouragement, to Best Brains
for creating the best damn TV show of all time, to Hershey for Chocolate
Tastetations, and to The Who for łQuadrophenia.˛

Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations are
trademarks of and copyright 1994 by Best Brains, Inc. Star Trek Voyager
and its related characters and situations are trademarks of and copyright
by Paramount Pictures. All rights reserved. Use of copyrighted and
trademarked material is for entertainment purposes only; no infringement
on the original copyrights or trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. or
Paramount Pictures is intended or should be inferred.

This is not a personal attack on the poster, just what she posted.

>:| I believe it reads: Oooh! YE! Loo! GEE! Volkswagen! Mitsubishi! YE!
>Loo! Loo!
> LOO! ~~

--
"Stock footage is hell!"--Crow T. Robot, MST3K ("Amazing Colossal Man")