MiSTing: Stephen Ratliff's Revenge Challenge [1/6]

[Matthew R Blackwell]

Mystery Usenet Theater 3000: Stephen Ratliff's Revenge Challenge

[Season 8 Opening Sequence.]
[Mike is standing alone on the Bridge of the Satellite of Love. He's
wearing a nightcap and carrying a pillow. He looks up, puzzled.]
Mike: Oh hi everyone. I'm not quite sure why you're here right now.
The show doesn't start for another [looks at watch]
eleven hours. You're welcome to stick around though. In the

meantime, I've got to get some sleep, so I'm going to
take a nap. Good night all.
[Mike places the pillow on the countertop and lays his head down on
the pillow. He closes his eyes, and the screen fades to black. After a
moment, we hear a loud warbling sound. The screen flares back to life,
and we can see Mike sitting bolt upright. Behind him Crow is playing a
bagpipe, very badly.]
Mike: Crow! What are you doing?
Crow: It's time for my bagpipe practice. You know that.
Mike: You don't play the bagpipes, Crow.
Crow: Well then, it's a good time for me to
start, don't you think?
Mike: No Crow. I don't think that it's a good
time to start. I'm trying to get some sleep.
Crow: I could play a lullaby then. . .
Mike: Crow, go away.
Crow: All right. Spoilsport.
[Crow wanders off. Mike places his head back down on the pillow. The
screen fades to black again. After a moment, a loud roar is heard and
the blackness abruptly ends. Behind Mike, a jet engine is running at
full force. Tom Servo stands nearby.]
Mike: Servo! SERVO!
Tom: OH, HI MIKE!
Mike: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Tom: WHAT?
Mike: I SAID, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Tom: I'M RUNNING SOME PERFORMANCE TESTS ON
THIS TURBINE!
Mike: WHY?
Tom: WELL, IF I DIDN'T DO THIS, WHO WOULD?
Mike: DO IT LATER! I'M TRYING TO GET SOME
SLEEP!
Tom: WELL, OKAY MIKE. BUT IF THE GOVERNMENT
CALLS TO ASK ABOUT THE PERFORMANCE
TESTS, YOU'LL HAVE TO ANSWER TO THEM!
[Tom turns off the engine and pushes it off screen. Once again, Mike
places his head on the pillow and goes to sleep. The screen fades out
again. The screen remains black for almost a minute. Then a torrent of
noise erupts in the room. We hear an explosion, several electronic
instruments revving to life, another explosion, and a multitude of
voices begin to sing as yet another explosion occurs.]
Voices: o/~ We'll be singing
When we're winning . . . o/~
[The screen brightens and we the bridge of the SoL. Smoke is
everywhere. Mike is sitting upright with a look of shock on his face.
Behind him stands the Tom Servo Boy's choir.]
Servos: o/~ We'll be singing. . .
I get kno. . . o/~
Mike: *HOLD IT!* [The singing stops] WHAT IS
GOING ON HERE?
[Another Tom Servo steps up to Mike]
Tom: Well, Crow and I have decided to form a band, and. . .
Mike: NO! YOU ARE NOT FORMING A BAND! I'D
LIKE TO GET SOME SLEEP! AND WHY DOES
THE BRIDGE LOOK LIKE THE SKIES OVER
L.A.?
Tom: Oh, Crow thought it would be a good idea
to have some 1980s-ish heavy metal style
pyrotechnics.
Crow: [Offscreen] INCOMING!
Mike: Oh no.
[More explosions occur. The bridge now resembles a fog bank. The mad's
light begins to flash.]
Mike: Great, not only can't I see my hand in front of my face, but
Mrs. F. is calling us too. [He hits the console a few
times before he finally finds the light.]

<Widowmaker>
[On board the Widowmaker we can see Pearl, Bobo, the Observer, and a
strange little man. Bobo has a cigar in his mouth, and the VW van is
full of smoke.]
Pearl: Mike? Are you there? Blast it Bobo. I can't see a damn thing
with all of this smoke around. Mike, are you there?

<SoL>
[It's still smoke filled.]
Mike: I can hear you, but why are you calling? We're not scheduled for

an experiment until later today.

<Widowmaker>
Pearl: Bobo found a cache of cigars and he's vowed to keep smoking
them until the experiment is over.

<SoL>
Crow: [Somewhere on screen] Are they Cuban?

<Widowmaker>
Pearl: No. They're Canadian cigars. As I couldn't survive much more
of this, I decided to push the experiment up.
Bobo: Ah, there's nothing like a good cigar.
Observer: And that's nothing like a good cigar. <rim shot>
[The Observer looks around in confusion.]
Observer: What in the heavens was that? Oh well. Bobo! Would you
please extinguish that accursed weed, you simian
buffoon?!
Bobo: Bite me, Brain boy.
Observer: I can transmogrify you back to a paramecium. . .

<SoL>
Tom: [Somewhere in the smoke] Hey Pearl? Who that other guy in the
van?

<Widowmaker>
PearL: Oh, we're just giving him a lift.
Strange Little Man: nosleN ekiM olleH. mees yeht tahw ton era slwo
ehT.

<Sol>
Mike: Um. Yeah. Whatever.

<Widowmaker>
Pearl: Anyway, your experiment for today comes from
alt.startrek.creative. It's a series of 'challenge'
stories. That's where a writer challenges the other
writers to write a story based on a certain theme.

<SoL>
Mike: Okay, that's doesn't sound too bad. What's the theme?

<Widowmaker>
Pearl: The theme is "The fictional characters get revenge on the
authors who write them." This theme was suggested by a
friend of yours.

<SoL>
Tom: [Somewhere] A friend of ours?
Crow:[Somewhere] You don't suppose that she means . . .

<Widowmaker>
Pearl: Yep. It's a bunch of stories inspired by a suggestion by
Stephen Ratliff.
Strange Little Man: ekiM, kcul dooG.
Bobo: If all of this smoke bothers you, why don't we open a window?
Pearl+Observer: NOOOOOO!!

<SoL>
Mike: Oh no! We've got challenge sign!
[The usual mayhem occurs. Well, we think that it occurs. You really
can't tell with all of the smoke around.]

[6. . . 5. . . 4. . . 3 . . . 2. . . 1. . .]
[The trio enters the smoke free theater.]
Mike: Smoke bombs?
Crow: We couldn't find our Stonehenge display.

>Article: 71372

Crow: No, no, like this: Article: A, an, the

>Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative

Tom: .mayhem.on.marrisa's.person

>From: srat...@runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff)

All: AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
Crow: You will runet the day you started this, Ratliff!

>Subject: A Little Challedge . . .

Tom: Boy, four lines in and he blew it already.
Crow: And the first three were automatically added by his newsreader.

>Date: 6 Nov 1997 04:23:44 GMT

Mike: General Motors Time?
Tom: Greenwood Manga Tribulations?
Crow: Gaining Money Torture?

>Over on rec.arts.anime.creative, I spied a recent group of stories that
>made me wonder if that type would work here.

Crow: They're called "lemons" and. . .
Mike: Congratulations. We're two lines into the fan-fic, and you've
already made a sexual reference.
Tom: Besides, alt.startrek.creative is already full of lemons.
Mike: Tom, don't you start too. . .

> That type being the RevengeFic.

> The idea is a story where the character(s)

Crow: s?
Tom: Yeah, Q's little sister.

>who we've put though such trails and tibble-ations

Crow: Trails and tibble-ations?
Tom: That dispels any doubts that we had that this isn't a Ratliff
posting. . .

>come visiting us (the authors) to get their revenge.

Mike: Hey, I can go for this idea.
Crow: Me too.
Tom: Same here. Will Marrissa be showing up first?

>Off the to of my head,

Crow: Ratliff has toes on his head? Ewww. . .

> I can say that if fictional characters could get
>revenge on their authors some Q writers I know better start running.

Mike: You can't hide from Q! It's sort of like wearing Groucho
glasses so God won't recognize you!

>(come to think of it, I haven't heard from some of them in a while :)

Tom: Then switch to Sprint, and you'll never have any lost calls!

>Any way, my challedge is to take the character that you've put though
>the wringer the most and write a story where he comes to get revenge on
>you. And no curses.

Mike: He's talking to you, Crow.

> I don't need to hear about any more writers who
>got splashed with water from the spring of the drowned girl.

Tom: It's Ratliff 1 /2 !

>Stephen, who really should be programming.

Crow: Computer programming? <snicker> Geek.
Mike: In five years, he'll probably be able to buy this little puppet
show.

>--
>Stephen Ratliff CS Major, Radford University.
>srat...@runet.edu Radford, Virginia 24142-7496
>rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc's polite target. Marrissa Stories Author
>http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/
>http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/FAQs/ FAQ Maintainer and
>http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/index/ Index Maintainer for
>http://aviary.share.net/~alara/ alt.startrek.creative
>"Just as I was about to tell him, my science project struck."
>"Your science project ran amuck on the Enterprise?"
> -Rene and Marrissa Picard discussing the episode
> "Diaster" in "All the King's Horses

Crow: WORKING CONDITIONS UNFAIR TO SCIENCE PROJECTS!
EQUAL PAY FOR EQUAL WORK!