MiSTed - "Royal & Prime Directives" (Marrissa Stories) 2/8
Bill Livingston
>Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
>Subject: NEW TNG Royal and Prime Directives 3/16 [PG] (Marrissa Stories)
MIKE: Uh... Two things Stephen Ratliff should never write about.
>From: Stephen Ratliff <stephen...@crosswinds.net>
>Date: Wed, 19 Dec 2001 00:53:20 GMT
>
>Title: Royal and Prime Directives
>Author: Stephen Ratliff
>Contact: stephen at trekiverse dot org
>Series: TNG, Marrissa Stories
>Part: NEW 3/16 Serialized Weekly
CROW: Must be one of those 45-day metric weeks.
>Rating: [PG]
>Summary: The Enterprise-E investigates a planet where a starship Captain
>who crashed 20 years ago has been ruling a small nation
>
>Chapter Two: Sailing Away
>
CROW: No!
TOM: What? What's wrong with o/` Sailing away? o/`
[Crow shudders for a moment before...]
CROW: Ahhhhh! o/` Setanopencoursetothevirginsea o/`
MIKE: You'd think he'd learn.
TOM: Apparently not.
> The ship's boat was waiting for Captain and Lieutenant Picard.
TOM: I see the ship's boat has acquired sentience.
CROW: But not intelligence.
>They boarded, and the men began to pull for the Stargazer.
MIKE: Go for it, Stargazer!
TOM: Yeah, you can do it, buddy!
> The sea was
>choppy, and the golden sunset was obscured by heavy grey clouds.
CROW: So nobody could see it. But trust us, it was golden.
> Marrissa
>took the tiller, and steered the boat towards the three masted ship.
MIKE: [Marrissa] Excellent. Mr. Ottawa, open fire!
CROW: It's Calgary.
MIKE: [Marrissa] Whatever!
> The
>Stargazer showed some wear, but was freshly painted, having just been
>beamed down from a specially designed cargo carrier that the Enterprise had
>towed.
MIKE: So Picard drags this specially designed cargo carrier around that
can hold and repair seafaring ships just on the off chance he
might want to go for a short sail?
CROW: Someone's getting eccentric in his old age.
> The smell of the sea air was a tonic to the Captain.
MIKE: Specifically, a *gin* and tonic.
TOM: [Marrissa] C'mon, dad, sober up a little, willya?
> It renewed
>his sense of adventure, propelled him beyond duty, and made him wish for
>simpler times.
CROW: Then he remembered he'd done this a thousand times on the holodeck,
and broke down into tears.
> Ah, to sail on the power of the air on your sails, to
>follow the sea's current on the sound of the breaking waves.
TOM: To fight scurvy and rickets.
MIKE: To smell like rotting fish all day.
CROW: To be trapped on a boat with 40 unwashed sailors for weeks and weeks.
TOM: To not see a woman for months at a time.
MIKE: To hit a patch of sharp rock and die a watery death.
CROW: To die halfway around the world at the hands of yo-yo wielding
cannibals.
> To Marrissa, this was a new challenge.
CROW: But for Marrissa there would be another day.
> Challenges were not
>something that Marrissa backed down from.
MIKE: Marrissa likes to view them not as challenges, but opportunities.
> She was, in a way, like a
>character in one of her anime, Ranma Saotome.
TOM: If you throw hot water on her, she turns into a guy?
MIKE: It would explain why Picard couldn't recognize her gender during
his flashback.
> A challenge was a call to
>battle, and she wouldn't quit until she won.
CROW: No matter who she had to kill.
> They pulled along side. "Oars up!" Marrissa ordered. The ship's
>boat team had spent several hours on the holodeck learning how to do this.
TOM: Tha hell? They had to *learn* how to take the oars out of the water?!
MIKE: These guys weren't exactly head of their academy class.
>"Mr. James, take the tiller."
TOM: ...Please!
> First Marrissa, then the Captain,
MIKE: What next? Penguins?
> climbed on
>board. As the Captain climbed up, the bosun's whistle rang in a three tone
>greeting.
[Tom imitates the NBC chime]
MIKE: [plugging nose] Now hear this, now hear this, prepare for arrival of
scientist from Earth.
> "Welcome back aboard, Captain," Commander Riker said.
> "Ship's status, number one?" Picard asked.
MIKE: [Riker] Ten seconds away from sinking, sir!
TOM: [Picard] Up from three. Excellent!
> "We're fully stocked
CROW: With booze.
> and ready to depart," Riker said. "The
>Duchess and her party are aboard and in the passenger quarters.
CROW: [Riker] I took "special" care of the Duchess, if you know what
I mean...
TOM: [Picard, exasperated] Yes, Number One, congratulations on nailing
one of the locals. Again.
> The
>evening tide begins in a quarter hour."
MIKE: [Riker] Shuffleboard is available up on deck, and we have some
excellent live shows this evening at five, seven, and nine.
> "Very well, Number One," Picard said. "We will sail into the
>setting sun.
TOM: [Riker] Won't that make us catch on fire and burn up?
CROW: [Picard] That's why we're going to sail mostly at night.
> Raise anchor and prepare for departure."
>
TOM: INTENSE DEPARTING ACTION!
> Marrissa stood on the quarter deck, to the right of the helm. It
>was the last dog watch,
CROW: [sobbing] No! Old Yeller!
> and she was in command.
TOM: [Little phaser noises] Tzoo! Tzoo tzoo tzoo! Tzoo tzooooo!
> The sun was just coming
>up, and the Stargazer had picked up a fresh westerly breeze.
CROW: Say, what ever happened to Westerly Crusher?
TOM: He was at Riker and Deanna's wedding, but most of his scenes wound up
on the cutting room floor.
> She looked down at the main deck. A young girl had just come up
>out of the hold.
MIKE: [Marrissa] Oooh! Royalty! 500 point shot!
> It appeared to be the Lady Hayley, who was the Duchess's
>daughter.
TOM: It's Hayley Mills and Hayley Mills, in "The Marrissa Trap".
> Marrissa had met the girl briefly at dinner the previous night.
MIKE: [Marrissa] Hi, I'm Marrissa.
CROW: [Hayley] Hi.
>The young blonde girl was Marrissa's age and seemed to be quite curious.
MIKE: Fortunately, she had a man with a yellow hat to watch her at all
times.
>Lady Hayley had spent most of dinner questioning La Forge about the ship.
CROW: [Hayley] What's that thingy that makes the sails go poof?
TOM: [Geordi] That's called "the wind", dear...
> The girl climbed up the starboard ladder to the quarterdeck. "I
>hope you don't mind me coming up here," the girl said.
TOM: In response, Marrissa snapped her neck and dumped the body overboard.
> "I just want to see
>the sun rise.
CROW: [Marrissa] Enjoy it. I gotta go or I'll turn to dust and ashes.
> "I don't mind," Marrissa said. "Other officers of the watch may,
>though."
ALL: [Officers] We don't mind.
> "Officers of the watch?" Lady Hayley asked.
MIKE: [Marrissa] Some lame-o cult Riker formed that worships Timex.
They're really touchy.
> "The person left in command of the ship for a certain length of
>time," Marrissa said. "It's usually
TOM: [Marrissa] Me, Clara, or one of the other Powerpuff Kids Crew.
> the top five officers, excluding the
>Captain."
> "Why not the Captain?" Hayley asked.
CROW: [Marrissa] He's just a figurehead for our bourgeois overlords.
> "He's in command all the time," Marrissa said. "An officer of the
>watch only commands the ship when he's not here.
MIKE: So only people who aren't there are in charge?
> Some people call the
>position the duty officer."
CROW: And some people call it the gangster of love.
> "Who are those officers?" Hayley asked.
TOM: And you can make sure it's a very long and detailed list?
> "Well, our first mate, Commander Riker commands the first watch,"
>Marrissa said.
CROW: Hawkeye and Trapper John take the other two. They may be trouble,
but they're the best darned doctors in the whole Korean theater.
> "He's that bearded guy who made that colorful toast last
>night at dinner."
MIKE: [Hayley] The one with all the drunken laughter and hand gestures?
> "Your captain looked like he was going throw something at the
>Commander," Hayley said.
CROW: [Marrissa] Yeah, well, Riker inspires that.
> "Quite possibly," Marrissa said.
TOM: [Marrissa] They're thoroughly hate-filled, you know.
> "Our second mate, Lieutenant La
>Forge commands the second watch. He answered your questions last night at
>dinner.
MIKE: [Marrissa] He asked me to tell you not to talk to him again. Ever.
> He came up though the ship's carpentry
CROW: Left a huge hole in the floor.
> and still does some work on
>the side.
TOM: Port side only, though - he's a specialist now.
> I'm third mate, and I command the last of the dog watches."
CROW: [Marrissa] You know. In case we're attacked by dogs. On the ocean.
Oh, hell. I'm just making this stuff up as I go along.
> "Dog watches?" Hayley asked.
MIKE: Yeah, you know, like Satchel wears in "Get Fuzzy".
> "The three watches between dusk and dawn,"
TOM: Starring George Clooney.
> Marrissa said. "They're
>also called ticks.
ALL: SPOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON!!!!!
> The first two both last four hours, but the last one
>can last longer, depending on the time of year, giving it the name 'the
>long tick.'"
CROW: [Tick] Look, Arthur! I'm all stretchy and bendy! It's keen!
> "You know a lot," Hayley said, leaning against the rail.
MIKE: Yep, I can just picture it - Haley standing there. Vacant stare on
her face. Idly twirling a curl around her finger...
TOM: I can almost hear the bubble gum popping.
> "Dad insists that I study a lot," Marrissa said.
CROW: [Marrissa] He says it keeps me out of his hair. [normal] Ha!
See? Cuz Picard told her about the hair, y'see, and - he's -
y'know, all bald.
TOM: We got it, Crow.
CROW: It's funny, see?
MIKE: [pats Crow on head] Of course it is.
> "Especially when
>we have to go off ship. Be careful with that rail, it's a little lose"
TOM: Tom Stewart killed me! Tom Stewart killed me!
> "Why then?" Hayley asked, moving back from the rail.
TOM: Then promptly falling off the other side.
MIKE: [Hayley] Oopsieeeeeeeee....
> "It helps prevent you from making mistakes," Marrissa said.
CROW: [Marrissa] Like messing with me! Bwahahahahahahahahahaha!
> "Not
>all places have the same rules as Ellosia.
MIKE: [Marrissa] I mean, there are some places that don't even allow a
Starfleet captain to murder the local king and take over!
CROW: [Hayley] How horrible!
> If you don't know the rules,
>it's a lot harder to avoid breaking them."
MIKE: Like not allowing children onto the bridge of a starship?
CROW: Or giving children command of a starship in times of war?
TOM: Or altering history for your own selfish whims?
MIKE: Actually, Janeway broke that altering history rule.
CROW: So did Kirk.
TOM: That was different. Kirk did it to save earth from mortal danger.
Janeway was just irritated that she didn't get a parade.
> "Oh," Hayley said. "You have nice sunrises at sea."
TOM: Quite an attention span on that one.
MIKE: [Hayley] My hair smells nice.
> "Sometimes," Marrissa said. "You can see a lot at sea, with
>nothing to block your view.
CROW: Namely, water. Lots and lots and lots of water.
> Even more when you're at the top of the
>masts."
MIKE: [Marrissa] And more still when you blast the shoreline flat!
> "You climb all the way up there?" Hayley said, craning her head to
>look up to the top.
CROW: [Hayley] It must be six feet up!
> "Sometimes," Marrissa said. "The Captain doesn't like it when I do
>though. Calls it a foolish stunt."
TOM: Puts it on NBC. Leaves us all feeling degraded.
> "It is, but the view is amazing," Commander Riker said. Marrissa
>turned to find him standing behind her.
MIKE: Yeah, yeah. And the love that you've found ever since she's been
around puts you at the top of the mast. Move along already.
> "Good Morning, Commander," Marrissa said. "I believe you know Lady
>Hayley, she got up to see the sunrise this morning."
CROW: That's why I've been talking her ear off instead of letting her look.
> "Good Morning, Lady Hayley," Riker said, dipping in a slight bow.
TOM: [Riker] Hi, ladies. I know I've been out of the story for a while.
Don't worry, you'll be able to enjoy me the rest of this scene.
>"Lieutenant Picard, anything to report."
TOM: [Marrissa] Well, I've discovered the Romulans are preparing to
invade...
CROW: [Riker] Good, good. Say Hayley, you ever seen the sunrise from
Inspiration Point?
> "Wind is out of the south-east, and our speed is at 12 knots,"
MIKE: Barometric Pressure is 30.12 inches and rising, and local humidity
is about 105%. Let's go to Doppler and see what's heading this way.
>Marrissa said. "I adjusted course five points to port a half an hour ago.
>Based on current speed, we should arrive at Sapphire Bay late this
>afternoon, if the wind holds."
TOM: If it doesn't hold, we'll get there day before yesterday. I can't
explain it.
> "Very well, Lieutenant, you are relieved," Riker said,
MIKE: [Marrissa, muttering] I will be once *you* leave, ya big jerk!
> turning to
>stand by the wheel.
TOM: o/` Stand by your whee-e-e-el... o/`
> "Yes sir," Marrissa said. "If you'd follow me, Lady Hayley,
>perhaps we can get an early breakfast from the cook."
>
MIKE: [Marrissa] It's flapstick day!
BOTS: WOO-HOO!!
> Beverly Picard adjusted her robe as she entered the Inn.
MIKE: Are you sure it's wise to visit an Inn in your bathrobe?
>It had been a long ride from Arlipor
MIKE: Isn't it "Alripor"?
CROW: I think you're right.
TOM: Which is worse: That Stephen misspelled the name of a place he
invented, or that we've been paying enough attention to notice?
> to the town of Castrome Cross. Though the
>robes of the Healing Sisterhood of the Order of Saint Cecilia were made
>thin for the tropical weather of Ellosia,
TOM: Woops! A little *too* thin - especially when she's got the sun
behind her like that, heh heh heh.
> they were somewhat unmanageable
>compared to the uniform of a Star Fleet Doctor.
CROW: But still better than the lime green muumuu the elder sisters
wanted her to wear.
> At her side was Clara,
MIKE: The quiet Beatle.
> who
>was dressed in the common attire of the daughter of a wealthy landowner.
TOM: Tommy Hilfiger and BUFU.
CROW: [Beverly] Stupid Kids' Crew punks, get all the good clothes...
> "Welcome to the Inn of the Flying Dragon, revered sister," the
>Innkeeper said. "How may I be of assistance?"
TOM: [Beverly] Uh, yeah... hi. Is there a Marriot around here somewhere?
> "My charge and I require a simple room for a night's stay
MIKE: They're not up to handling the complicated rooms.
CROW: They'll be stumped if they get a room with a door that doesn't
open just by walking at it.
> and would
>inquire about possible companions for our journey to Odyssey," Beverly
>said.
TOM: [Inkeeper] You want the "Raging Stallion" next door for "companions".
CROW: [Beverly] That's not what I meant. But thanks for the tip!
> "We have a room available for just a silver," the Innkeeper said.
MIKE: [Beverly] I... can give you three toothpicks and a Monopoly piece.
> "That will be fine," Beverly said.
> "I believe the minstrel in the corner is on his way to Odyssey,
>perhaps he will be able to accompany you."
CROW: Oh... my... God!
TOM: Nonononono, not a minstrel!
MIKE: Wait, guys, maybe he won't sing!
TOM: C'mon, Mike, introducing a minstrel who doesn't sing is like having a
Starfleet redshirt who lives!
> Over in the corner was a minstrel, dressed in worn traveling
>clothes that were rather well tailored for such a roving harpist.
TOM: [Beverly] Umm... Could you point out someone less useless and
effeminate?
CROW: A *harp*?!? A freakin' *harp*?!? Geez, why not just lug around
a Steinway or something?
MIKE: He's from the Island of Misfit Harpo Marxes!
> He was
>signing a popular air,
MIKE: Wouldn't it be easier just to close-caption him?
> as those in the common room gathered around him.
>
CROW: Clubs and tire-irons in hand...
> "Once there was a king from heavens above
> A royal beyond measure was he.
MIKE: o/` He stuck in his thumb and pulled out a plum... o/`
> The Lord above sent him to rule our fair country
>
TOM: Oh come on, that didn't even rhyme.
> "Once there was a Duchess, Desired was she
> Her beauty was the call of the whole country
CROW: o/` In that thong, th-thong-thong-thong! o/`
> It's a shame that little brother captured Desiree.
>
TOM: Okay, I am officially confused.
MIKE: I just don't think you can do a blank verse sonnet is all.
> As the minstrel shifted into a instrumental piece,
MIKE: PLAY "WHIPPING POST"!!
TOM: FREEBIRD!
CROW: [Bad southern accent] EAT A PEACH! WOOOO!!!
> Beverly
>approached.
TOM: [Beverly] Here's $50 if you promise not to sing until we're gone!
> "Pardon me, sir minstrel, but the Innkeeper tells me that
>you're heading towards Odyssey on the morn."
CROW: He's riding the guy from Deep Space Nine?
> "Why, yes, I'm heading to see my younger brother and his wife," the
>minstrel said.
MIKE: [Minstrel] Though not necessarily in that order, if you know what
I mean...
> "I'm Sister Beverly, and this is my charge Clarrissa.
[All start to speak at once, then stop]
MIKE: Were we all about to do a "Clarissa Explains It All" riff?
TOM: Um, yeah, I was.
CROW: Me too.
MIKE: Right. Let's just retire that one and move on with our lives.
ALL: Agreed.
> We're also
>going that way, and wondered if we might accompany you."
CROW: [Minstrel] Well I *have* been needing a drummer and a bass player...
> "Certainly, honored sister. My name is Cedric.
TOM: [Cedric] I'll be meeting up with Bernie Mac and Steve Harvey later,
if that's okay.
> If you'll be kind
>enough to meet me after breakfast is served?"
MIKE: [Cedric] And bring plenty of cash - I can eat lotsa pancakes!
> Beverly nodded. "Then it's
>settled." Then he took up another song. "Here's a little song I used to
>play in my youth."
>
CROW: [solemn, minstrel-y,] Right about now, the funk soul brother...
> "The minstrel boy off to war has gone
MIKE: But he'll return your call as soon as he can. Please leave your
name, number and insipid lyrics after the beep.
> In the ranks of death you will find him
TOM: Oh, right, this is the second verse to the "Cheers" theme.
> His father's sword he hath girdith on,
ALL: [Monotone] And in the darkness bind him.
> His wild harp slung behind him
>
TOM: Somehow, I just don't see the words "wild" and "harp" as being
compatible.
CROW: Actually, free range harps are tastier and have less fat.
> "Land of song sang the warrior bard
CROW: o/` Shootin' out the walls of heartache... o/`
MIKE & TOM: o/` Bang, bang! o/`
> Though all the world betrays thee
TOM: [Cedric] o/` Like that little hussy Fiona, who ran off with my
so-called "best friend" Nigel! o/`
> One sword at least your rights shall guard
CROW: And one lance with speed your sticks!
> On faithful harp shall praise thee.
>
MIKE: Thank you! We love you, Castrome Cross! Rock on!
> The road was dusty, and the gait of the rinnebeast was really
>hurting Clara's rear.
TOM: Unfortunately, the locals had yet to develop pillow technology.
> For perhaps the hundredth time that day, Clara
>wished that she could have traded assignments with Marrissa.
TOM: She was sure she'd make just as cruel and ruthless a dictator.
> At least the
>journey from Arlipor to Castrome, and then to Castrome Cross
CROW: Is that anything like the Southern Cross?
TOM: Maybe. Desiree does kind of remind me of Dana Sterling.
> had been by
>coach.
TOM: And boy, were Steve Spurrier's arms tired!
MIKE: Good.
> Unfortunately the coach didn't go past Castrome Cross so here Clara
>was riding on a rinnebeast on a dusty, rutted road through the middle of
>nowhere.
CROW: MTV's getting really desperate for new "Road Rules" episodes.
TOM: It's what they get for canceling "Daria".
> Marrissa was the one with riding experience, she'd won the darned
>Belmont Stakes after all.
MIKE: Actually, I believe the horse won the race - she was just along for
the ride.
TOM: Kinda like us, huh?
MIKE: Yes, only with less wailing and gnashing of teeth.
> True rinnebeasts weren't horses, they were
>lizards who ran on their rear legs.
CROW: Mike, is Steve Tyler a rinnebeast?
MIKE: It's possible.
> How much further was this Capital City
TOM: o/` It's a long long wait while I'm sitting in committee... o/`
>and why the heck didn't it have a nice paved road with coaches running back
>and forth going to it?
TOM: The Craig T. Nelson Taxi service. For all your travel needs.
> "Pardon me, young lady, but you look as if you aren't having a good
>time," Cedric, the minstrel said.
TOM: [Clara, sarcastic] Oh, I'm *so* sorry! Shall I frolic and gambol to
keep you from feeling sad?!
> "I'm riding a beast I've barely ever rode before, in a dusty road,
>under the hot sun, and you think I should be having a good time?" Clara
>muttered.
CROW: Sure! What's not to like?
> "I know what you need," Cedric said. "We need a traveling song."
ALL: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
> A traveling song.
MIKE: Yes, as bad as an idea as it seemed, a traveling song.
> That brought horror stories to Clara's mind.
CROW: Endless Grateful Dead songs. Over and over and over...
>Shayna's rendition of "the Laughing Vulcan and his Dog," for instance had
>particular vivid memories of a near lynching. Then there had been that
>field trip.
CROW: And the ensuing wackiness, zaniness, and biochemical warfare.
> It had taken a week for her to get those darn Disney songs out
>of her mind.
>
MIKE: Oh, thanks you so bloody much, Steve.
CROW: o/` Tale as old as time... o/`
MIKE: Don't you start.
CROW: It's a perfectly good song.
TOM: So is o/` I'm saiiiling away... o/`
CROW: AIIIEEE!!! o/` Setanopencoursetothevirginsea o/`
MIKE: Thank you.
> There once was a boy from Verlie
TOM: Who drank thirty-four cups of iced tea.
CROW: He went up to bed
TOM: Didn't go to the head
Both: So he woke up all covered in pee!
MIKE: [shaking head] I am never telling you guys camp stories again.
> His mother a chambermaid
> His father was a stable hand
TOM: Ooooh, it's one of *those* songs!
> Loyal Servants they were
TOM: It doesn't even rhyme!
CROW: That's that 'New Poetry' crap for you.
> The same was expected of him
> But the young boy, dreams he had
>
MIKE: Mainly, they involved Leah Remini and a tub of maple syrup.
> Oh the sea, the beautiful sea,
TOM: o/` Oh the beautiful sea. You and me, you and me, oh how
happy we'll be! o/`
> So far away, adventure it seems
CROW: For I'm Robin Hood, and I'm very good/
At avoiding the sheriff's eye...
> Let the wind blow me away
MIKE: [Clara] Oh yes, *please*...
> and someday a hero I'll be.
>
CROW: Which kind - the noble, god-like, "Superman" kind, or the brooding,
butt-kicking "Batman" kind?
TOM: As long as it ain't the whiny, angst-ridden "Spider-Man" kind, I'm
all right either way.
> By the time they stopped for lunch, Clara had forgotten her
>gripes.
>
MIKE: And focused tightly on burying Cedric neck deep in rinnebeast scat...
TOM: [Clara] Okay, if we kill him now, and dump the body in those woods...
> The late afternoon sun shimmered across the deep blue waters of
>Sapphire Bay, highlighting the tops of the waves. The Stargazer had just
>arrived and was dropping anchor off shore.
CROW: Hey, wait, we need that -
TOM: *Splash!*
CROW: Oh, never mind.
> As it was Second Watch,
MIKE: NBC was almost ready to take a look at the pilot.
>Marrissa was standing in the bow of the ship. As the anchor dropped, she
>pulled out her telescope.
TOM: [Marrissa] Hey, I can like, totally see into some guy's bedroom!
> Extending it, she scanned the shore. She
>avoided the town and the saucer,
CROW: Not to mention the village and the butter knife.
> as she wanted a feel for the normal
>culture, not what ever changes this renegade Captain had made.
CROW: So that's, like, bear-baiting, watching people get hung, and
tossing garbage into the streets.
> Riding
>along the coast on towards town she spied a young man on a strange beast.
MIKE: Shaggy and Scooby had arrived to solve the mystery.
> It looked like a lizard of some sort, running on it's hind legs.
CROW: [Marrissa] Sleestaks! Cool!
>It's fore legs seemed almost useless. It was a golden yellow in color and
>had a head like some illustration of a dragon Marrissa had once seen.
CROW: Ooh! A Frazetta!
TOM: [Sean Connery] I *am* the lasht one!
>After a moment's thought, she remembered the animal in her briefing, a
>rinnebeast.
MIKE: And remember, buy your rinnebeast from Team Goeway Rinnebeast this
month and you could get the first five months' financing at ten
percent off! And be sure to say hi to the Save Money Bunny!
> As the beast ran, the rider's dark blue cloak with gold edging
>billowed out behind him.
CROW: Gainsborough's "Blue Boy with Sauropod".
> The sun glinted off the hilt of his sword, as it
>was revealed in the rippling wind.
TOM: [Marrissa] Well hey! Is that a banana in his pocket or is he just
glad to see me!
> The rider's cowl fell back, revealing
>his medium length blond hair.
CROW: AAAHHHH!!! It's a Backstreet Boy!!!!
[The Bots dive behind their seats]
MIKE: Get a grip, you two - it's just Prince Avery.
BOTS: Oh. [Crow & Tom return to their seats]
> Prince Avery pulled up his rinnebeast by the West shore gate to
>Odyssey Castle.
TOM: Taking advantage of the valet parking there.
> He was probably going to get a lecture from his father
>about his ride.
CROW: [Avery] Boy, he always gripes just cuz I bring the lizard back with
an empty tank!
> The Duchess of Castrome was due in any day, especially
>since the Duchess preferred sea travel, and he was expected to be there.
>He was hoping that this meant he could get his choice of bride.
MIKE: [Waiter reading specials] The bride tonight comes in your choice of
Sarah Michelle Gellar, Angelina Jolie, or Gillian Anderson.
CROW: I'll try one of each, please. Rowr!
> Never mind
>that he hadn't seen Hayley since she was five.
TOM: Never mind that that had just been last year.
> She was definitely his
>choice.
CROW: Okay, now this is just getting creepy!
MIKE: At least he waited this long.
> Avery just plain hated all the other proposed candidates.
MIKE: He was voting for Nader!
> And all
>this haggling and looking over by various ambassadors was making him feel
>like he was a rinnebeast at action.
TOM: Prince Avery *is* Agent Action!
> He got off his mount.
MIKE: Remember, don't exploit symbolism without warming up first.
> His father had a quainter and older expression for it. A piece of
>horse flesh.
TOM: A Big Mac?
> Horses were rare on this planet, none were currently in
>Ellosia.
MIKE: No one having made the connection that riding the horses and
immediately eating them might have something to do with that...
> The Patriarch claimed to have ridden one when he attended a
>Church Council in Ferigal.
CROW: Of course, he also claimed it talked about "Wilbur", so his reportage
wasn't exactly taken at face value.
> Avery thought that the Patriarch was becoming
>senile.
MIKE: Although it certainly *was* possible that giant ants were stealing
his morning coffee to give to the Tri-Lateral Commission.
> This was not an uncommon thought among the young nobles of
>Ellosia,
TOM: Boy, a Patriarch commits his people to dynastic war with the bunnies
*four* times, and he never hears the end of it.
> and to tell the truth, among the elders as well.
MIKE: The Deacons, too. The church board's going to vote on him next week.
> Avery's father
>said that such beasts were once preferred over rinnebeasts.
CROW: For their lack of taste for human flesh for one thing...
> Avery stroked
>the supple skin over the left eye of his rinnebeast, if his father said it,
>it probably was true. Though Avery couldn't see why.
CROW: Ratliff, whatever you've been taking, stop taking it.
TOM: And if you're not taking anything, maybe you should start.
> His personal mount
>may have not been one of the prize blue green calvary beasts of Fasstime
TOM: [Spicoli] All I need are some tasty waves, a cool rinnebeast, and
I'm fine.
>or like the dark gold special royal breeds (his own gold was considered too
>light in color)
MIKE: I imagine Threadfall will be coming soon.
> with their steady and precise gait, but he couldn't find
>anything wrong that would make some horse a preference.
CROW: You mean aside from the fact they're NOT GIANT FREAKING LIZARDS?!?
> The chamberlain met him
MIKE: Wilt the Stilt!
TOM: He had to scramble to get all 10,000 girls out of the castle before
the Prince got back!
> as he handed off his rinnebeast to the
>stable hand.
CROW: And Stablehand passes to Chamberlain, who lays it up for a truly
spectacular full-court basket!
> "Your highness, where have you been?" the thin man with white
>hair said, trembling.
TOM: [Avery] Just checking out the subplot!
> "Your father has been looking all over for you."
MIKE: [Chamberlain] He looked in the dining room, the parlor, the upstairs
maid's bedroom, everywhere.
CROW: [Chamberlain] Yeah, both he *and* the upstairs maid searched her
bedroom *very* thoroughly for fifteen whole minutes - she was so
distressed when they couldn't find you that she cried out several
times.
MIKE: You just *had* to take that too far, didn't you?
CROW: Of course!
> "I was out checking on the Dunstlay Fields," Avery said. "It was a
>nice five mile ride. Did you know that they are planting the new grain in
>them this year?"
CROW: [Chekov] Aaaah, qvadrotriticale!
> "I did not, but you father needs you," the chamberlain said.
MIKE: [Chamberlain] He's got a June bug cornered in the basement, and he
wants you to finish it off.
> "The
>Duchess's ship has just come in the harbor, and they are expecting her at
>the palace dock any minute.
TOM: [Chamberlain] Hurry! Put on your ape suit and help bury the castle!
> You've not time to change, so I guess your
>riding outfit will have to do. Hurry now."
>
CROW: So Marrissa saw all that dialogue through her telescope?
> Marrissa called out the cadence as she steered the Captain's gig
>toward the dock. "Stroke, Stroke."
MIKE: The crew responded " White Stripes! White Stripes!"
> The Duchess and her daughter were in
>the bow.
TOM: All tied up nice and neat. It was a really big package with a very
elaborate ribbon.
> Behind her, the ship's boat was taking Commander La Forge to the
>harbor to arrange shore lodgings and deliver the Duchess's luggage to her
>residence in town.
MIKE: [LaForge] *Ooof!* Geez, how many cases of Revlon does she need?!
TOM: From Chief Engineer to bellhop. Ratliff's really done a number on
poor Geordi, hasn't he?
CROW: Forget about poor Geordi, what about poor us?
> They moved toward the dock. "Raise oars, toss the rope
>ashore!" Marrissa ordered.
CROW: o/` Raise oars, toss the rope ashore, Hallelujah! o/`
> As protocol demanded,
TOM: [C-3P0] Protocol? Why, it's my primary function!
> Marrissa climbed off
>first,
MIKE: But *only* because protocol demanded. Definitely *not* because
Lieutenant Commander Saskatchewan back a few chapters was right.
> to help the Duchess and her daughter off.
MIKE: [Marrissa] No, no, the *other* side, the *other* -
TOM: *SPLASH!*
MIKE: [Marrissa] Well, you're the royalty.
> "Thank you, Lieutenant," the Duchess said, as she climbed out.
>Marrissa made to return to the boat and the ship, but the Duchess stopped
>her.
CROW: [Duchess] We've rented you for the whole afternoon, Marrissa.
> "If you don't mind, I'd like to introduce you to the King, since your
>Captain and First Mate were not able to come."
TOM: [Marrissa, quickly] Oh I couldn't possibly well all right let's go say
is this guy married or what.
> "I'm sorry for causing that problem, your grace," Marrissa said.
>"I should have been more careful, and not knocked the Captain off the back
>of the ship."
CROW: [Marrissa] We probably should've gone back and found him or something.
MIKE: It *was* an accident, mind you, and not her bumping off the grownups
and taking charge by reflex.
> "There was no harm done," the Duchess said.
TOM: [Duchess] We're lucky Triton took pity and turned the Captain into
a merman and master of the oceans. We can only hope his courting
of Scylla goes well.
> "The Captain can
>probably get an appointment with the King any day, as he's known to make
>time to talk to the Captains of his merchant ships.
CROW: Aw, no - if the King and Picard agree to swap places for the day, I'm
outta here.
> The King has often
>remarked that his best information on this island nation about other
>countries comes that way.
TOM: Obviously, he hasn't checked out www.islandnationnews.org yet.
> However, it's not every day that a third mate
>gets to meet the King, and it's not every day that the King gets to meet a
>female third mate.
>
MIKE: Much less the first female third mate to switch-hit over thirty home
runs in a season in both leagues.
>--
>Stephen Ratliff
>
>"But let him Dream" - Robert Picard, TNG's "Family"
>
TOM: Well, there's one good thing I can say about this segment.
MIKE: What's that?
TOM: It's over.
>From stephen...@crosswinds.net Tue Jan 01 00:28:47 2002
>Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
>Subject: NEW TNG Royal and Prime Directives 4/16 [PG] (Marrissa Stories)
>From: Stephen Ratliff <stephen...@crosswinds.net>
>Date: Tue, 01 Jan 2002 06:28:47 GMT
>
>Title: Royal and Prime Directives
>Author: Stephen Ratliff
MIKE: I prefer the term 'Perpetrator', myself.
>Contact: stephen at trekiverse dot org
>Series: TNG, Marrissa Stories
>Part: NEW 4/16 Serialized Weekly
>Rating:
MIKE: Negative twenty on a one to ten scale.
> [PG]
>Summary: The Enterprise-E investigates a planet where a starship Captain
>who crashed 20 years ago has been ruling a small nation
>
TOM: Cambodia.
>Chapter Three: Life in Odyssey
>
CROW: Starring... Jean-Luc Picard as Danny Thomas!
MIKE: Beverly Crusher as Ann Southern!
CROW: Will Riker as Danny Thomas!
TOM: Marrissa Picard as Shelly Fabares!
MIKE: Geordi LaForge as Danny Thomas!
TOM: Clarissa Sutter as Joyce Randolph!
CROW: And, of course, Data, as Danny Thomas!
> Marrissa met her father and the Stargazer's Command Crew at the
>Golden Rinnebeast Inn. It was a quant Inn in Marrissa's opinion.
CROW: A quantum inn?
TOM: Any minute now, Archer's gonna leap into Picard and mutter "Oh Boy".
> It was of what Marrissa would term a Tudor style,
CROW: Speaking of which, I just let out a little Tudor.
MIKE: [Sniffs] Man! Crow, did you have scrambled eggs and red beans for
breakfast again?
CROW: I like how they taste together!
> thick dark beams
>with panels of white mud plaster
MIKE: o/` Knights in white mud plaster! o/`
> composing the wall. Someone had gotten
>creative along the beam above the door, carving a dragon in relief.
CROW: Oh! A dragon! What a relief!
> She
>stepped though the door, just as the afternoon rain began in earnest.
CROW: Jim Varney stars in "Star Trek XII: Ernest in Space"!
MIKE: [Ernest] KnowhuddImean, Cap'n Vern?
> The Innkeeper's wife noticed Marrissa's outfit and the badge she
>wore on her shoulder
TOM: [Wife] Hmm, I wonder what that big red letter "A" means?
> "You would be the Third Mate I was told to expect?"
>she asked.
MIKE: [Imitates shotgun being cocked]
> "Lieutenant Marrissa Picard at your service," Marrissa said.
TOM: [Marrissa] Avoid the rush. Surrender to me now.
CROW: Hey, if this is all vaguely medieval setting, shouldn't they spell
those s's so they look like f's?
MIKE: Yeah, so she'd be Marriffa Picard.
CROW: Carry on, Marriffa!
> "Your First Mate purchased your own room for you, it's the second
>one on the left on the third floor," the Innkeeper's wife said.
MIKE: Third one on the right for the fourth floor.
CROW: Two rights, then the third room on the left.
TOM: Up, left, down one room, right, up again.
> "He wanted
>to see you as soon as you arrived. He's on the second floor, first door on
>the left."
TOM: [Innkeeper's Wife] Or was it the first floor- oh forget it!
> "Thank you," Marrissa said. "May I inquire as to when dinner is
>served?"
CROW: [hostess] About twenty minutes after I check the traps.
> "When the church bell chimes six," the Innkeeper's wife said. "It's
>an extra two pence."
CROW: Fourth down on your left.
> "I shall be there," Marrissa said,
MIKE: [Marrissa] Or I shall be square!
> before heading up the stairs.
>
CROW: Readers - don't reveal the outcome of the gripping "Check-In and
Dinnertime" scene to your friends!
> Marrissa opened the door to Commander Riker's quarters. "Reporting
>as ordered, sir," she said.
TOM: [Marrissa] What's with the candles?
CROW: [Riker] Just trying to blend in with the natives. C'mere, kid...
TOM: [Marrissa] Is that Barry White?
> "Lieutenant, you have some explaining to do," Riker said.
TOM: [Riker] How come Data gets better billing than me?
MIKE: [ditto] Why did they make me shave my beard after First Contact?
CROW: [tritto] Scott *Bakula?*
> "You do
>not under push anyone overboard at any time,
MIKE: Not even if it's Bernie Kopell!
> and most especially the
>Captain."
CROW: [Riker] When he dies, it shall be by my hand!
> "But if the..." Marrissa began.
> "I'm not asking for your excuses, Lieutenant," Riker continued.
TOM: [Marrissa] You're not? Darn! 'Cause I had this really good one
about a Ferengi and a couple of Vulcans and a can of cheez spread!
>"We did not have to include you on this mission,
TOM: Come to think of it, why WAS she included on this mission? They
could've gone without her.
MIKE: And have this be a *normal* Star Trek fanfic?
CROW: Isn't that sort of a contradiction in terms?
> and if you hadn't already made
>yourself too well known, you would be on your way back to the Enterprise.
CROW: Yeah I'd hate if they sent me back to all those 24th century comforts
instead of keeping me in the land of the medieval lizard riders.
>If you ever do something like that again, you will be confined aboard the
>Stargazer for the rest of the mission, and we will be having another talk
>about this when we return.
MIKE: [Riker] You don't get the other half until you finish whacking old
Cueball! Remember that!
> Do I make myself perfectly clear, Lieutenant?"
TOM: After using new All-Purpose Windex (tm)? You bet!
> "Yes sir!" Marrissa said. "Will that be all sir?"
MIKE: [Riker] Not just yet. Do you think I'd be good as the lead actor
for a remake of "Big Top Pee-Wee"? Tell me honestly.
> "For now, Lieutenant," Riker said. "The Captain will met us at
>dinner. Dismissed."
CROW: [Riker] And try not to become royalty this time!
> Marrissa turned smartly and
TOM: ...Smacked face first into the wall.
MIKE: [Riker] Umm... The door's over there, Marrissa.
> moved quickly out of the room. It was
>not until she got to the room that she was assigned that she broke down in
>tears.
>
CROW: [Marrissa] Dangit, he got me a room without HBO!! How could he?!
TOM: She aches just like a women, but breaks just like a little girl.
> The dinner was rather somber.
MIKE: [Somberly] Would you like to try our Pizza Feast-a Wackyzilla Super
Sampler Platter tonight?
> The main course was a thin bread
>pocket with a meat and vegetable filling.
MIKE: Ah, Ye Olde Hotte Pockettes.
TOM: Could've been worse. Economy service was uncooked fish sticks.
> It was served hot, with plenty of
>ale to drink. Marrissa asked for milk instead of the ale, and got some for
>a little more money.
CROW: Free Booze with every meal! Nourishing drinks slightly extra.
> She ate her meal slowly, avoiding looking at anyone.
TOM: But remembering to chew twenty times before swallowing.
>Riker and Calgary were seated across from her, and every time she looked at
>Calgary,
MIKE: ...that blob of mustard on his chin made her burst out giggling.
> his sneering expression made her feel like she was a failure.
TOM: Playing the part of Lieutenant Calgary - Draco Malfoy!
>Oh, she knew her reasoning was good. Captain York knew her father.
CROW: [Mr. B] Knew your father, I did!
> If they
>came into contact too early, the mission could fail.
MIKE: You know, you'd think the captain would let Riker in on unimportant
little details like that.
> That's why she had
>pushed her father overboard.
TOM: Plus, after a month at sea, he needed a good bath.
> He couldn't go meet the King all wet.
MIKE: Wouldn't it have been easier if Marrissa simply *told* Picard rather
than unexpectedly pushed him off.
CROW: Admit it, Marrissa, you always wanted to do that to him.
> But
>Riker wouldn't listen,
CROW: And why should he have?
MIKE: [Vince McMahon] Because I'm Marrissa Amber Flores Picard, dammit!
> and Calgary, well Calgary was basking in the joy of a
>man who thinks he's just been proved right.
TOM: Man! I know that feeling! Right, losers?
MIKE: Yeah, well I don't care what Trivial Pursuit says, the capital of
Florida *should* be Miami is all I have to say.
> Captain Picard arrived in the Inn's dinning area. The Captain sat
>down next to Marrissa, sliding his chair closer with a scraping sound.
CROW: That's just his soul shredding again. Pay it no mind.
>"Ah, Missus Bath, I could I trouble you for a helping of your famous meat
>pie?" he said.
CROW: That is the weirdest pickup line I've ever heard!
MIKE: [The Rock] The Picard likes... Pie!
> "Here you go," the Innkeeper's wife replied, placing a plateful in
>front of him, along with a cup of ale.
MIKE: Thursdays, wet bald captains drink free.
> "Enjoy your meal, Captain."
TOM: [Generic foreign accent] May I tell you something? May I tell you
something? Enjoy your meal! Hee-HEE!
> The Innkeeper's wife left the room to tend to other duties as the
>Captain dug into his meal. It took only a few moments for the Captain to
>figure out the mood of the room.
CROW: Gee, and he managed it without Little Miss "I sense great danger".
> "Mister Calgary, I've been meaning to talk
>to since before we left the ship," the Captain said.
MIKE: [Picard] Tell me, have you ever heard of a thing called "Amway"?
> "I understand you have
>some problems working with my daughter."
TOM: [Picard] What the hell's wrong with you Canadians, anyway?
MIKE: That's right, Tom, stoke the fire... I just hope they never get
nuclear capacity.
> Marrissa looked up at Calgary and then at her father.
TOM: She wondered which of them to kill first.
> This was not
>what she expected to hear when her father arrived.
MIKE: She'd been waiting for the drunken belches and the non-stop cussing.
> However, Calgary still
>had that smug expression on his face that had depressed Marrissa.
CROW: The part of Calgary will be played by Pernell Roberts.
MIKE: [Pernell] My job. My way.
> "I find her qualifications lacking," Calgary stated.
TOM: [Darth Vader] I find her lack of qualifications disturbing.
> "I see, and have you always had this problem respecting superior
>officers?" Picard said in an even tone.
CROW: Fwah...? "Superior"? They're both lieutenants, for pity's sake!
MIKE: Yeah, but Marrissa the Superior lieutenant, just cuz she's Marrissa.
Crow. Oh. Yeah.
> Calgary's expression blanked. The color drained from his face.
TOM: [Marrissa, thinking] The poison's kicked in! Excellent!
>There was only one reply that he could make to that question. "I respect
>all of my superior officers," he stammered.
CROW: [Calgary] Except for you, ya Limey frog Bastard! I mean - D'OH!!!!
> "See that you do," Picard said. "You'll probably have to work with
>Marrissa a lot during this mission, and I don't want any problem from
>either of you."
MIKE: [Picard] Is that understood? Any more bickering and I will turn this
ship *right* around and head home.
BOTS: Yes, Mom.
> "Yes sir," Marrissa and Calgary responded in unison.
TOM: [Marrissa] Well done, my pet.
CROW: [Picard] As you command, Dark One.
> "Now, Marrissa, tell me about your visit to the Palace," Picard
>asked.
TOM: [Marrissa] I signed a contract to do two shows nightly, and I'm
opening for Tony Bennett starting next week.
> "Not much to say, sir," Marrissa replied.
CROW: They closed the little teacups ride.
> "I brought the Duchess
>and her daughter to the royal dock and let her off.
MIKE: [Marrissa] We probably should've let her off on the side facing the
dock, but hey, live and learn.
> The King and his son
>met us there, and asked a few questions."
CROW: Then they advanced to the lightning round, where the value of the
questions is doubled.
> "What did he ask about?" Riker asked.
MIKE: [Marrissa] He wanted to know how the Vikings did.
> "How long our trip was, and if we encountered any problems,"
>Marrissa said.
TOM: [Marrissa] Also what the ending of "Seinfeld" was. They're really
behind on this planet.
> "Fairly standard stuff. He seemed rather keen on if we had
>encountered any Rogian ships, which we haven't."
TOM: I bet Picard's busy looking for Rogain ships, too!
CROW: He's not only the captain - he's also a client.
> "Marrissa, describe the King and the rest of the welcoming party,"
>Picard said, as he scraped his plate clean.
[All groan]
CROW: That's it, Jean-Luc - just give her an excuse to make up another
long, pointless list!
> "The king appears to be an aged man,
MIKE: [Connoisseur] Oh, an 1845 Monarch. A *very* good year for kings.
> with a well kept white beard.
TOM: Cameron Mitchell in a role so rare it will give you E. Coli!
>His clothing was a long purple robe, with gold stitching to make it look
>more formal.
CROW: [Austin Powers] And that's all he wore, too! Groovy, baby, ye-heah!
> He wears a rather simple crown.
MIKE: [Marrissa] It says he's the king of someplace called "Burger".
> His son is sixteen according
>to Lady Hayley.
TOM: [Marrissa] He keeps saying he's "going to be seventeen", though.
It's so annoying.
> He was wearing a dark blue tunic with black pants, and dark
>blue cloak.
MIKE: We believe him to be on "Miami Vice".
> He was accompanied by several soldiers dressed in the royal
>crest
CROW: Recommended by 4 out of 5 Kings who have their lackeys brush their
teeth for them.
> and a stout man with a red beard dressed entirely in black.
TOM: Wait a minute... Stout, red beard, dressed in black... My God! It's
Yukon Cornelius!
> The stout
>man was never introduced, but he was constantly looking around and
>examining things intently."
MIKE: Will all this be on the test?
> "That does sound like a good description of Chief Harlan, the
>Odyssey's Security Chief," Picard said. "Was the Queen there?"
CROW: RuPaul?
> "No, the King apologized for her absence, she's apparently ill,"
>Marrissa said.
TOM: The illness set in shortly after the King had her beheaded.
> "Okay, the Doctor and her party should be coming into town some time
>tomorrow," Picard said. "I'll be meeting her in the market.
MIKE: [Picard] In the cereal aisle, over next to the Count Chocula.
> Meanwhile,
>Commander Riker, I want you to see what you can learn from other seamen in
>the local bars.
[Silence]
MIKE: Whatever you're thinking, fellas - don't.
TOM: Don't look at me - I'm too scared of that sentence to even breathe.
CROW: You're a bot, Servo - you don't *have* to breathe!
TOM: Oh. *Wheeew!* [pause] Heeeeey...
> Marrissa, Lieutenant Calgary, pair up and investigate the
>town.
TOM: Five bucks says Edmonton "accidentally" falls off a building.
MIKE: Calgary.
TOM: Whatever.
> I want to know any technological improvements you may find.
CROW: [Picard] Specifically if they have DSL.
> Remember
>this is supposed to be a fourteenth century level planet.
MIKE: [Picard] If you see someone who's bathed and not infested with lice,
be suspicious.
> Set up some other
>teams, Security and Engineering pairings, to help you.
TOM: What? A Starfleet crew just up and taking over a planet isn't enough
to take them in?
> La Forge will remain
>on the Stargazer and observe the seaside comings and goings from the Castle.
CROW: Once again, the crappiest possible job is reserved for Commander Load.
>Any questions?"
TOM: Is Bob Barker as nice in person as he seems on TV?
> After a moments pause, he pushed back his chair. "Then I
>suggest we all get a good night's sleep."
>
MIKE: Well, that wasted a good half-page.
> Prince Avery entered the bedroom of his ailing mother. It pained
>him to see the once active Queen laying in her bed, coughing.
CROW: So he left.
> Last year she
>would have accompanied Avery on his ride, on her own deep gold rinnebeast,
>with her long gray curly hair streaming behind her.
MIKE: Her lizard has long curly hair?
> It had been a month
>since she had even seen outside, except through the large window in her
>room, but that was practically a sky light, for all the view it offered.
TOM: It's only good for making sure the place retains no heat whatsoever.
> "Good evening, honored mother, may I hope that you are getting
>better?" Avery inquired,
MIKE: I bet she spends the whole time complaining how he never comes to
visit her.
> coming to kneel next to his mother's bedside, and
>taking her hand in his.
> "Avery, I'm not going to get better," the Queen said. "I'm dying."
TOM: Well, sure, with *this* act!
> "Surely the Odyssey has something to make you better," Avery said.
CROW: [Queen] Yep. Just hand me that bottle of booze from 10-Forward
and I'll be a-a-a-all better in no time!
>"You said that this was a ship from the heavens. Such a ship would have to
>have miracle cures."
MIKE: Not only that, it has this miracle cleaner that harnesses the pure
natural power of orange oil!
> "Avery, we took apart everything that we could that didn't fit," the
>Queen said.
TOM: [Queen] I had to tear up my Comic Book collection.
> "Even if there was something that could cure me, it hasn't been
>in this castle for over fifteen years."
MIKE: That's a long time to be out of Tylenol Plus.
> "Why did you do that?" Avery said. "You could have done lots of
>good with all of that."
CROW: Billions of credits put into their ship and their training, and it
turns out they're just too dumb to use it.
> "Because it wouldn't have been right," the Queen rasped.
MIKE: It's Queen Donna Corleone.
CROW: [Brando] I spent my whole life trying not to be careless. Dukes and
princes can be careless. But not queens.
> "Why?"
> "Ask you father about the Prime Directive," the Queen said.
[All laugh]
CROW: So King Whatsit has no problem with seizing power from the local
hicks, but won't lift a finger to cure wifey's consumption?!?
MIKE: Sounds like he's got his royal eye on Her Grace, Princess Sandee.
>Now let me rest. I want to be able to last to at least your betrothal."
> "You mean they've decided who I get to marry?" Avery said.
> "Your father has," the Queen replied, settling down to rest.
CROW: [Avery] So what's she like?
TOM: [Queen] Well, she's - uh - she has a very nice personality.
CROW: [Avery] AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!! NOOOOOOOOO!!!! NOT THAT!!!!
> Avery left the room with much on his mind. What was this Prime
>Directive?
TOM: It's the fantastic elastic plot point that can do anything you need.
It's brassy, it's sassy, it gets you into or out of a story faster
even than random explosions. It encourages cheap, false drama and
gets you out of real conflict. *Now* how much would you pay for
the Prime Directive?
> Why did was it preventing his mother from getting well?
MIKE: Why did was that sentence not make a whole lot of sense?
>And more importantly, who would he get to marry?
CROW: And back to the sex again.
TOM: So Avery can't go for more than five minutes without thinking
about sex?
MIKE: He'd have thought about it sooner, but his Mom was in the room.
> Oh he hoped it would
>be Lady Hayley. She was so cute. In fact she was beautiful.
>
CROW: [Avery] Too bad about mom wasting away and dying painfully like that.
Oh well. Boy, I hope they hook me up with a hottie!
MIKE: Well, at least he's not wallowing in his grief.
> An hour latter, Prince Avery wandered into the place garden.
TOM: He'd tried the person orchard and the thing grove, but it just
wasn't the same.
>It was one of the few areas open to the sky in the palace.
TOM: The sky's been banned from most other places for security reasons.
> He wandered among
>the roses and rare flowers, occasionally stopping to smell a few, as his
>tutor had suggested when he was small.
CROW: *Sniff* ... oh, no, this flower smells of poi...sonnnnn...nnned....
> The prince hadn't been in the garden
>long when he heard the voice of his father speaking to Lord Harlan.
MIKE: [King] We gotta change the Script to "City on the Edge of Forever".
TOM: [Harlan] No way, man!
> "So you can't confirm what her Grace told us," the King said.
MIKE: Princess Grace?
TOM: Peyton Place?
CROW: Trouble in the Suez?
> "No, sir. I have found no evidence of a plot yet," Harlan said.
MIKE: Why do you mock us so, Ratliff?
CROW: I prefer to think of it as his inner conscience, rebelling
against all the terrible stories he's produced.
>"That does not mean there isn't one, though."
CROW: [King] I just know the Underwear Gnomes are conspiring against me!
> "Such a plot does make sense," the King said.
TOM: Glinn Gusat said it did.
> "Lady Hayley is heir
>to both Castrome and Avtra. Whoever marries her will be the most powerful
>man in the Kingdom,
MIKE: [King] And no, I'm not counting John Ashcroft.
> especially if he comes from either of the other
>dukedoms."
CROW: At least until the people find out "Castrome" and "Avtra" are just a
motor oil and a cheap brand of TVs, anyway.
> "That's why I advised against your matching Desiree, Duchess of
>Castrome
MIKE: And Queen of the Desert.
> with Lord Elden of Avtra," Harlan said.
CROW: Huh? Murphy Brown's house painter is nobility?
> "I know, but it solved the problem," the King replied.
TOM: Which was...?
MIKE: It's giving us exposition under the guise of a conversation,
and that's all it needs to do.
> "It gave
>Desiree a chance to rule.
TOM: She had to be fast, she had to be strong, she had to be wiser.
> The Duke of Avtra withdrew his objections, and
>the regency council solved the rest."
CROW: [King] Now, let's get back to tearing up the Treaty of Westphalia and
return to serious religious faith-promoting warfare.
> "You could have solved it without uniting the lineage of two of the
>ducal lines," Harlan said.
MIKE: But they were from the same ducal line.
TOM: Oh, right. Hey, how's their new baby?
MIKE: He's a radish with teeth and hair.
TOM: Excellent.
> "Perhaps," the King replied. "But look at what I've gained.
TOM: [King] A hotel! On Park Place, no less!
>Lord Elden has turned into an able and loyal administrator for the crown.
CROW: [King] And Optimus Prime has turned into an 18-wheeler.
>Duchess Desiree is the much beloved ruler of Castrome, who also feels
>indebted to the crown.
MIKE: She owes the king thirty large.
> The kingdom has remained a peace,
TOM: You want a peace?!! Huh? Huh?! HUH?!!
> and everyone
>praises my leadership abilities."
MIKE: [King] Plus, I've become quite adept at backstory narration.
> "They think you are some sort of saint come down from heaven,"
>Harlan said.
CROW: Yeah, Saint Garth of Izar - patron saint of clutching, cruddy
megalomaniacal Starfleet captains.
> "And what about that problem when Drake, Earl of Avtra was
>murdered seven years ago?"
MIKE: [King] Hey, I had an alibi. I was golfing! In Chicago! I cut my
own hand in the hotel room! Really!
> "That had no relation to the Castrome problem," the King said. "It
>was because Drake couldn't keep his hands of the Earl of Dunsen's four
>lovely daughters.
TOM: Hey, who can?
> I had hoped that that saint idea would die down over time."
MIKE: Well, it's kinda lost its appeal in New Orleans, but otherwise...
> "Forget about that idea," Harlan said. "The common people have
>spoken.
TOM: Which explains why "Survivor" is still on the air.
> Even if you die a normal death, or even are killed in battle,
>someone, sometime, is going to claim you never died, and were assumed into
>heaven.
MIKE: Or you'll be spotted scarfing down Big Macs at the Avtra Mickey D's.
> Your grave location will be lost, and before long they'll be
>telling tales of Good King Richard."
MIKE: Hey, that reminds me of a story I wrote on spec about -
TOM: Mike, if you pull that old "Good Will Hunting" gag one more time...
MIKE: Okay, okay, it's just a joke!
CROW: And it's been the *same* joke for the last 4 years!
> "That, my old friend, is my nightmare," the King said.
CROW: The last thing a King wants is to be beloved and well-remembered
and longed for by his people for centuries after his passing.
TOM: Maybe he should start a reign of arbitrary terror.
> "Come,
>Avery, you don't need to hide in the bushes, my son."
MIKE: Jeb and Neil can no longer shield him from prosecution.
> Avery approached his father and his father's advisor. "I'm sorry if
>my presence interrupted something, father."
MIKE: [King] Well, ya been doin' it for 16 years, kid - don't start
apologizing for it now!
> "No, it didn't, at least nothing I didn't want your opinion on," the
>King said.
CROW: Mike, my parsing subroutine is throwing a Quadrupal Negative Error.
TOM: Same here, buddy. Just click "Ignore" and move on.
> "My opinion?"
CROW: [King] Does this cape go with these pants? They don't look right for
some reason.
> "Yes, Avery. Someday you will be King,
TOM: [Mufasa] And all of the Pride Lands will be yours.
> and it's problems like the
>ones I've been discussing with Lord Harlan that you'll have to solve. Now
>how much did you hear?"
MIKE: [Samwise Gamgee] Something about - the end of the world.
> "Just some discussion about some sort of plot involving Lady Hayley
>and then how you're perceived among the people."
CROW: Latest New York Times/Gallup poll has you up a quarter-point in the
flash overnight phone bank surveys, if that helps.
> "Lord Harlan, perhaps you'd like to brief my son on what the Duchess
>of Castrome informed us."
TOM: So this is a medieval spin session?
CROW: I guess.
> "Of course, sir. My prince, this afternoon Duchess Desiree of
>Castrome arrived by sea and asked to see the King.
MIKE: I hope this won't become one of those Imzadi love triangles.
> When she was able to get
>alone with the King and his chief advisors,
CROW: [Harlan] She showed them why she was once known as the "Queen of
the Cake-Jumpers"!
> she informed us that her
>husband, Lord Elden,
TOM: Of the famed marbles.
> had been approached by Lord Henry of Fasstime.
TOM: [Spicoli] No shirt, no shoes, no duke!
MIKE: Learn it, know it, live it.
> Lord
>Henry proposed that he marry Lady Hayley and insinuated that such a move
>could result in 'a shift in the leadership of the Kingdom.'
MIKE: Specifically, about 4 feet to the right.
> He was no doubt
>unaware of Lord Elden's involvement in the ruling of Castrome, and position
>as Chief Naval Architect for the Royal Navy.
CROW: Oh, that's good planning. I would've made him Chief Naval Architect
for the Department of Motor Vehicles or something silly.
> Lord Elden wisely said that he
>would think about it. He then talked to his wife, the Duchess, who set off
>immediately for Odyssey along with her oldest daughter."
TOM: And now we're all here. Which begs the question, "SO WHAT?!?"
CROW: Was there a flowchart attached to this thing? I'm feeling a little
lost.
> "What is Lord Elden doing now?" Avery asked.
MIKE: [Harlan] He's muttering to himself and fondling an ax. We put him
on a bus and are trying not to think about him.
> "He's taking care of the daily business of Castrome in his wife's
>absence,
CROW: He's the man of the castle, so long as the missus isn't around.
> and has contacted the Earl of Avtra to see if he's been approached
>as well."
MIKE: He's also checking on some virus warning someone sent him over e-mail.
> "That takes care of Avtra and Castrome, but what about Armedge?"
>Avery asked. "Has anyone found out if someone has approached either Duke
>Nolan or any of his three sons?"
TOM: Is Uncle Charlie in on the plan?
> "Good point, your highness, I'll check that as soon as we're done,"
>Harlan said.
MIKE: [Harlan] Lemme get my day-planner. Sorry, batteries are low on my
Palm Pilot.
> "And shouldn't Duke Lionel be informed about his son's ambitions?"
>Avery asked.
CROW: Nah, he's too busy playing with his toy trains.
> "Not at this stage, the Duke will want proof,
MIKE: 90 proof.
> and we don't have it
>yet," Harlan replied.
TOM: [Harlan] We have to wait until it's too late to do anything about it.
> "It does bring up another worrying point, though. We
>haven't heard from Duke Lionel in over a month.
CROW: [Harlan] And now that you mention it, all his letters keep coming back
signed "Lord Hen- I mean Duke Lionel".
> He usually sends weekly
>letters to the King, and the last one was rather short."
TOM: [Harlan] It just said "Dear King" and the rest of it was blank.
> "Still worried about the handwriting on that last sentence?" the
>King asked.
MIKE: Ow!
CROW: What is it?
MIKE: I just got a blinding flash of the obvious.
> "I am," Harlan replied.
TOM: [Harlan] Plus, we still don't know what that "All Your Base" line of
his meant.
> "I'm beginning to see your paranoia may be justified in this case,"
>the King said.
CROW: [King] Hmm, we haven't heard from Duke Lionel in months and his last
letter contains strange handwriting. Oh well! I'm not worried.
> "So, Avery, what would you do in my case?"
MIKE: [Avery] Crash my ship into a backward yahoo planet and take it over.
CROW: [King] *sniff* My son, today you are a man!
> "I'd marry Lady Hayley, taking her off the marriage market," Avery
>said.
ALL: Of course.
CROW: That's his solution for everything, including high humidity.
MIKE: I'm sorry, but the marriage market is fresh out of Lady Hayley. But
there's still plenty of Marrissa and Clara to go around!
> "Then I'd see if I can get Lord Henry to make a mistake that reveals
>his plot, and send him into exile."
CROW: So, his brilliant plan is to wait for somebody to blurt something out?
> "Well, I can't marry Lady Hayley, but you can and I will have her
>marry you," the King said.
TOM: Ah, sweet romance!
MIKE: Wish I could've gotten a sweet deal like that when I was his age.
CROW: Missed out on the bubblehead of your dreams, did you?
MIKE: Yeah... She ran off with the captain of the wrestling team. Last
time I saw her, her shift at Taco Hell had just ended.
TOM: [Pause] Your high school years were just one big ball o' suck,
weren't they?
MIKE: *sigh!* Pretty much...
> "I'll arrange for the betrothal early tomorrow.
>Lord Harlan, I want all my dukes in town by the end of the month,
CROW: [King] Even Coy and Vance.
> Lord Henry
>and Earl Cedric too."
MIKE: Wait a second, wasn't the minstrel's name Cedric too?
TOM: I think we just deduced a major plotline.
> "Very well, sire," Harlan said. "Is there anything else tonight?"
TOM: [King] Well, is "Two Towers" out on video yet?
CROW: [Harlan] Only in bootleg, sir.
TOM: [King] To the Bootleggery!
> "No, Harlan," the King said. "I'll see you early tomorrow." Lord
>Harlan rushed off to see to his tasks and the King turned to his son.
MIKE: [King] Son, don't ever loan that man any money.
> Avery had a big smile on his face.
TOM: Dude! You're gettin' a Dell!
> "I can't believe it," Avery whispered, sitting down on a bench.
> "You can't believe what?" the King said, sitting next to him.
MIKE: That it's not butter.
> "I got my choice for a bride," Avery said.
CROW: See, you gotta get to the Marriage Market early, so all the best
brides aren't taken.
> "All the times my tutors
>said that I wasn't going to get a chance to chose my bride, and I got the
>one I wanted."
[All hum "When You Wish Upon a Star"]
> "Only because it was a good move politically, Avery," the King said.
>"You are lucky in that respect. Your children probably won't be."
MIKE: Well, you could establish a constitutional democracy, and remove that
silly problem, but hey, if you'd prefer to hang onto outdated forms of
political systems...
> "And you listened to me about something important," Avery said.
>"I've never really been asked my opinion before. It was always do this."
CROW: [Avery] It's like I can form my own crew now! All made up of kids!
MIKE: [King] That's just crazy talk, boy!
> "Get use to it," the King said. "It's time you get some real
>experience.
TOM: [King] Because all the enemies are the same level as you.
> Until now, I've been just having you taught the things you need
>to know.
CROW: Tomorrow, we'll stop teaching you what you need to know and teach you
drivel and boilerplate instead.
> I should have brought you into my council before now, but I guess
>I didn't realize how grown up you are.
MIKE: [King] So what are you now? Sixteen? Seventeen? Sorry I haven't been
around much these day. You need some money?
TOM: Stephen Ratliff: We know drama. Well, we'd know it if we saw it.
> Starting tomorrow morning I want you
>at every morning meeting of my advisors."
MIKE: [King] We need to start building your tolerance to ass-kissing.
> "I guess that means I can't sleep in anymore," Avery said.
CROW: Sure you can! The advisors do it all the time!
TOM: This kid is Grade A leadership material.
> "You guessed right," the King said.
TOM: [Avery] What about my lessons where Merlin turns me into a squirrel
or a fish or whatever and I go running around and get into trouble,
and he bails me out?
CROW: [King] Oh, those will continue. You'll just have to turn into a
squirrel in the afternoons.
> "Father, what is the Prime Directive?" Avery asked.
TOM: [King] A plot device beyond all our understanding, son.
> "Who mentioned it?"
TOM: He just did, weren't you listening?
> "Mother did."
CROW: [King] Has she been skipping her little green pills again?
> "Come with me, Avery," the King said, standing up. "Today is
>apparently a big day for you."
>
MIKE: This is just like "Dune", except I haven't got a clue what's
going on.
TOM: In other words, it's just like "Dune".
> The King and his son climbed the long spiral staircase to the top
>of Odyssey Palace.
MIKE: [King] "Get the elevator," she said. "What for? We'll never use
it," I said. "Besides, the walking will do us good," I said...
I'm such a sack of doorknobs.
> It was seven levels from the garden to the top of the
>staircase.
CROW: ["Impossible Mission" villain] Stay awhile. Stay FOREVER!
> Avery expected them stop at each level, but his father pressed
>onto the top,
TOM: If they don't stop before they reach 25, they'll fall off the cliff
and lose that fabulous new car. But they'll be back for the Showcase
Showdown either way.
> pausing only to make sure the doors were closed properly.
MIKE: Because they weren't trying to heat the whole outdoors, for Pete's
sake.
>Finally, they reached the top.
CROW: [Avery] You okay, dad?
TOM: [Richard] *WHEEZE* *WHEEZE* Just - just *GASP! fine, son. Fit
*ACCCCK* as a fiddle. *WHEEEEEEEEEEEZE!*
> The King pulled a key out from under his
>outer tunic and opened the door. Avery had never been to the top room.
TOM: [Avery] Dad? Why does this door say "Killfloor"?
> They entered the large domed room.
MIKE: It was an exact replica of the Montana state capital building.
> The room had inclined desks
>running around most of it's walls,
TOM: Man, they must be tough to work at.
MIKE: Still, saves on floor space I guess.
> save two doors and a large floor to
>ceiling map of the world.
CROW: They've broken into an architecture school!
> The center of the room was a step down,
TOM: Well, be fair - after living in the royal palace, *any* place else
is bound to feel like a step down.
> and had
>railings around it, broken by four openings.
MIKE: So it's a ticket line, then?
> Towards the front of the room
>was a table with a scale terrain model of Ellosia.
CROW: Little orange flags marked the location of each and every Ellosian
Howard Johnson's.
> While there were several
>chairs at the desks along the walls, only two were in the center.
MIKE: The chairs are enjoying a rousing game of duck-duck-goose.
> One was
>on a raised platform, his father's, Avery assumed, and the other beside it,
>with a small slanted desk on it's right side.
TOM: This was known as "The Chair of Shame".
> "This, Avery, is known as the Map Room," the King said.
CROW: [King] Before we put the map here, we called it the "No Map" room.
> "It's were
>most of the details about running the kingdom are made.
MIKE: Right. This room and the Ye Olde Not a Despotic Starshippe Captain
Bar and Tavern.
> Very few actually
>are invited to it.
TOM: The Map Room is more exclusive than Studio 54.
> When this was a ship flying in the heavens, it was my
>Bridge.
CROW: [King] I bought it from this guy in Brooklyn...
> It was in that very seat that I was sitting in when the Odyssey
>crashed into Sappor."
TOM: [King] Yep. This is where I horribly crushed thousands of innocent
people to death under tons of metal.
CROW: [Avery] Cool! Can I sit in it?!
> "Wow," Avery said.
MIKE: Dialogue director Ben Stein.
> He was looking around the room, his attention
>caught by this little detail or that.
TOM: He's like a kitten in a yarn factory.
CROW: [King] Son, I'm worried you're missing the big picture he-
MIKE: [Avery] Look, dad! A Zagnut wrapper! A piece of lint! A penny!
> He had seen a lot of the Palace, and
>explored it's lower levels when he was younger,
CROW: When he accidentally fell into the Earth's core.
> but the top levels, that
>he'd never gone into. He'd never seen a map like what hung on the wall or a
>model so well detailed.
TOM: The king's big into Risk.
> It had ever town, road, and port. Small carved
>models, out of scale with the model, but still there, of the fleet were in
>the harbors, along with some vessels flagged merchant, like the Stargazer in
>Odyssey's harbor.
MIKE: Now that was an interstate freight train of a sentence...
CROW: [Stephen] I've got commas, and by God I'm going to use them!
> His father sat down in his chair, and motioned for Avery to sit in
>the other one.
MIKE: [Regis] You've got three lifelines, now let's play - WHO WANTS TO BE
HEIR TO THE THRONE?
> "This room is the most secure room in the Palace," the King
>said.
MIKE: 'Scuse it, yer highness, just passing through.
CROW: [falsetto] Hi, Richie - some party we all had list night, huh?
TOM: Hey, King where's the necessary? Gotta take a top secret whiz!
> "Anything said in it, goes no further that this room. In it, I ask
>my advisors to be candid.
MIKE: Only sometimes, Sir Allen of Funt carries things a bit too far.
> They can tell me I'm wrong,
TOM: [King] And I may be wrong for all I know. But I may be right.
> that I'm a fool,
>or even that I'm dooming the Kingdom,
CROW: So basically, it's like being on "Hardball".
> but it goes no further."
MIKE: [King] And when I kill them for daring to question me, no one hears
a thing!
> "You let them talk back to you, you're the king!" Avery
>interrupted.
TOM: [Yul Brynner] And when you are king you too will know everything.
> "Yes I am, but it doesn't mean I'm perfect," the King said.
CROW: [King] It just means I'm always right.
>"Sometimes I need people to remind me. This is where they can do so without
>endangering the crown.
MIKE: So he has to come here when he wants someone to disagree with him?
Seems like an unnecessarily complicated way to have someone contradict
you.
TOM: You're forgetting we're in Ratliff-land. If it seems like the
simplest solution would be the best, it's probably not.
> It's also where the secrets of the Kingdom are kept.
CROW: Down there are the brutally dissected bodies of secret alien visitors -
like his First Officer, his helmsman, his transporter chief...
>I'm going to let you in on some of them now, but I want you to understand
>that what I tell you goes no further.
MIKE: [Avery] Dad, we already learned about this in school.
> Some day, when you have a son that
>has grown in wisdom and trustworthiness,
CROW: Note: only sons may be wise and trustworthy.
> you may bring him in on the
>secrets, but please take the same precautions I have."
TOM: [King] Yes, wait until he's as repressed and bitter as I made you.
> "I will, Father."
MIKE: [Avery] I'll be sure that my son is smart, handsome, powerful,
perfect, and I'll trust him with the secrets of the universe!
> "Very well," the King said. "Perhaps I should start with how the
>Odyssey and I came to this planet.
[all groan]
TOM: Well, settle in guys, this won't take much more than forever!
MIKE: Haven't we already heard all this? Several times?
CROW: Stephen's granting the king equal time for rebuttal.
> A long time ago,
TOM: ...back when this story began...
> I was part of an
>organization called Star Fleet. We guarded a federation of planets, much
>like this one,
CROW: And occasionally held horse races for the giddy fun of it all.
> save that the technology was much more advanced.
TOM: [King] For example - have you ever heard of a thing called "Amway"?
>That Federation, know as the United Federation of Planets,
MIKE: The Department of Redundancy Department, an official branch of
Ratliff Inc.
> had gotten involved in
>a war with another nation, the Cardassians.
CROW: Fortunately, it was only a backstory war, so the casualties were
light, but all-important to the current plot.
> At the time war was declared,
>I had been a Captain for three years.
TOM: [dryly] He was probably the youngest Captain in existence as well.
> With my experience, and because of a
>couple early skirmishes I won before we declared war, I was assigned to
>command a squadron
CROW: They gave him a command based on acts of naked aggression?
TOM: Maybe this is the mirror universe.
CROW: Y'think?
MIKE: I dunno, I think we'd have seen the S&M version of Kira if it was.
> consisting of the Stargazer, the Custer,
TOM: *snort!*
MIKE: For some reason, his crew was not encouraged by this.
CROW: Lemme guess - the rest of his squad consisted of the USS McClellen,
the USS Cornwallis and the USS Westmoreland.
> the Connecticut,
>the Magna Carta and my own Odyssey.
TOM: [HAL] This is highly irregular, Dave.
> One day the squadron engaged three
>Cardassian warships. Two of them we destroyed easily, but one escaped.
CROW: [King] We'd have let it go, but we strongly suspected they were
going to say bad stuff about us.
>I ordered the Odyssey to pursue, and the other four ships to respond to
>another distress call.
MIKE: It was Bajor's cat stuck up a tree - again.
> That turned out to be a mistake.
CROW: [King] I should have suspected something when I noticed the distress
signals were sent from over Macho Grande.
> I have no idea
>what happened to the other ships, but the Odyssey ran into a ambush. We
>managed to survive it, somehow, but we lost the stardrive section..."
MIKE: Did you try retracing your steps from the last place you saw it?
> "The what?"
TOM: [King] The big thing.
> "The part that made this ship go," the King explained.
CROW: Fortunately we still had the part that made it stop.
>"and severely damaging the saucer section.
MIKE: But thankfully having no effect on the rhythm section.
> "What?"
CROW: Look, kid, stop asking questions or he'll *never* get through it!
> "This palace. We made it to this planet, but could not keep
>ourselves in orbit, nor call for help.
MIKE: Nor eat, nor bathe themselves, nor observe basic rules of hygiene,
nor...
> So we made a barely controlled
>crash-landing, which resulted in the near total destruction of the town of
>Sappor, and the total loss of the Ellosia royal family.
CROW: The biggest surprise? The ship's counselor *wasn't* driving!
> "To make a long story short,
TOM: Hah! *There's* a ship that's already sailed!
> I chose to replace the royal family
>myself, rather than let the country disintegrate.
CROW: [King] And the Ellosians, being complete wussies, let me.
> That's when I broke the
>Prime Directive."
MIKE: [King] And except for being an absolute ruler and basking in the
fawning glory of millions of people, I've just been sick about it.
> "What's the Prime Directive?"
TOM: It's usually the excuse used to delay the obvious until the fifth act,
and to try to make us believe that Picard or Janeway is being
daring and rebellious.
> "The Prime Directive is a Star Fleet regulation about dealing with
>less advanced cultures.
CROW: [King] Like this dump.
> To quote:
> It is forbidden to interact with a less advanced culture in such a
>way that inhibits or changes in any fashion it's natural path of
>development.
>
MIKE: Oh, and there's a long part regulating the export of DVD's.
TOM: So the Prime Directive can't tell the possessive its from the
contractive it's?
> "Why was that a rule? I'd think helping a less advanced culture
>would be good."
TOM: Yeah, but when you raise the subject, Canadians always get so
uptight...
MIKE: [hanging head] Tom, *please*!
TOM: Yeah yeah yeah, like Lieutenant Yellowknife's gonna come busting
in here after me!
> "Not always, and more often than not it results in the less advanced
>culture being exploited."
CROW: Which can sometimes be a good thing, such as with Shaft.
> "How?"
MIKE: [King] Son, remember when the Yankees got Ruth from Boston?
> "Well, they could be used as slave labor, or treated as second
>class citizens.
MIKE: Which, of course, is certainly not happening here.
TOM: Nope.
> It's generally better to let the culture advance on it's
>own.
CROW: That way they'll be forced to be backwards and easily controllable
for the foreseeable future.
> Of course, I didn't have much choice with Ellosia. By our crash
>landing we severed the whole Ellosian government.
TOM: [King] Course, we missed a few the first time, but we eventually
got 'em all !
> All my actions since then
>have been trying to lessen the impact of that. In essence, I'm trying to
>keep the spirt, not the letter of the Prime Directive."
CROW: Look, there's no point in him telling us all this *now* - he's just
going to have to repeat it for Picard later, and again when he's
let go to keep ruling here.
> "Father, will I have to follow this directive?"
TOM: [Avery] And can I have my own starship, too? Huh? Can I?
> "I don't think so. You aren't a Star Fleet Officer, and I've done
>everything I can think of to prevent high technology from causing problems
>once I'm gone."
CROW: And leaving a frelling big half space ship in the middle of a
medieval kingdom helps?
MIKE: The second he kicks off, the whole palace's wired to go off like
a bottle rocket.
> "Is that why Mother is dying?"
TOM: [King] No, that's because of the stuff I slip into her coffee ev-
dyah! Uh, I mean, no, son, of course not.
> "Your mother was this ship's Doctor.
CROW: Boy, so much for the whole "physician, heal thyself" thing.
> She says that there is nothing
>that could have been done even if we hadn't dismantled Sickbay.
MIKE: [King] She's pretty incompetent.
> Your mother
>and I have had a long life, son. How old do you think we are?"
CROW: [Avery] I dunno, about a million billion kajillion years, I guess
> "Forty something."
MIKE: Melanie Mayron and Timothy Busfield star in yet another classic
reunion show.
> "I am sixty-three and your mother is fifty-seven.
TOM: [King] We average out to 60.
> Of the leaders of
>Ellosia only Patriarch Isaiah is older than me, and he's not in the best of
>health.
MIKE: [King] Thanks to me. Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!
> I've probably got five more good years in me, if I'm lucky.
CROW: And about 20 mediocre years, then another 3-4 years that kinda suck.
>Hopefully you'll be ready to take over by then."
TOM: [Avery] Whaddaya mean, "by then"? I want you and mom out of town
by sunset!
> "I don't want that to ever happen."
MIKE: I want to be a coddled, powerless prince till the end of my days.
> "I'm afraid that's one want that isn't going to be filled.
TOM: Yeah, that and the one about Tina Fey.
> Someday
>this whole land and it's worries will be yours.
CROW: [Avery] What, the curtains?
MIKE: [King] No, not the curtains!
> So we better get to bed
>early, because early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and
>wise."
TOM: And a penny saved is a penny earned.
CROW: [King] I also discovered electricity. Did you know that?
> Together, father and son, they descended from the Map Room and off
>to the Royal Quarters.
>
MIKE: It's nice that they can find time to indulge their numismatic urges.
>--
>Stephen Ratliff
>
>"But let him Dream" - Robert Picard, TNG's "Family"
>
CROW: But make sure it's not the one about the wilting bananas.
TOM: Let's clear outta here, guys.
[All leave]
O |2| <3> (4) {5} [6]
[SOL - Crow is seated on a bench, strumming a guitar. He is visible only
from the waist down]
CROW: [Singing to the tune of the Theme from "Dukes of Hazzard"]
Just some good old dukes - never pallin' around.
Beats all you never seen, been in trouble with the king
Since his ship hit the ground.
He's destroyin' the towns, flattenin' out hills.
Someday Starfleet might get him but the law never will.
They made him ki-i-i-ing, now he's runnin' the show,
And that's just a little bit more than the dukes wanna know.
Just some good ol' dukes, couldn't change if they would.
They surrendered their system like their heads were made outta wood!
[Cut past Crow to Mike & Tom. They are dressed normally, but each wears a
floppy, medieval-type hat. They are standing next to life-size cardboard
cutouts of Fidel Castro and Sean Penn (as Spicoli), who are also decked out
in floppy, medieval-type hats.]
MIKE: [Very bad southern accent] Forsooth! Howdy, yall! I'm Avtra
Duke, an' this hyar's my brother Armedge Duke, anon.
TOM: [Even worse southern accent] Yeeeeehah! Felicitations an'
Tally Ho! An' this's our cousin, Castrome Duke...
FIDEL: [Bill Corbett's voice with cheesy Cuban Accent] Hola, Senors and
Senoritas. Death to Yankee Running Dog Capitalist Scum, no?
TOM: An' this here's our other cousin, Fasstime Duke.
SEAN: [Paul Chapin, doing a Spicoli Impression] Aloha! Royal Surf's up!
MIKE: Hey, listen yall! We gotta get the crown back from that flatlander
in his big ol' ship from the sky!
CROW: [VO, as Waylon Jennings] Yep, them ol' Duke boys was comin' up with
another plan to get Boss York outta his castle and off the throne
of Ellosia.
TOM: I gotta idea! We kin drop a starship on him like he did to poor ol'
Will Ferrell!
MIKE: Armedge, ya big galoot! Where're we gonna get a starship to drop
on him? He's got the only one in all Ellosia!
TOM: Hey, I'll talk to th' ol' Baron of Cooter - he'll *build* us one!
MIKE: That's a purty good idea, heheheheh!
SEAN: Dudes!
FIDEL: Ay, Comrades, I still think we need to incite revolution of
proletariat to overthrow el rey del cielo!
TOM: Naw, that'll take too long!
MIKE: 'Sides, th' only reason we wanna overthrow the bloodthirsty tyrant
is cuz *we* all wanna be the bloodthirsty tyrant.
SEAN: Hey, cousin-type dudes! If you get your ship, how ya gonna drop it
on him?
MIKE & TOM: Hmmmm....
CROW: [Waylon VO] Yep, them ol' Duke boys was really in a mess, all right.
But leave it to their sister, the Duchess Daisy, to come up with a
plan!
[pause]
CROW: [Waylon VO] Uh, I *said*, leave it to their sister, the Duchess
Daisy, to come up with a plan!
[more pausing]
CROW: [normal voice] Uh, Gypsy, that's your cue to come out and...
GYPSY: [O.S] No!
TOM: [nor-mal *voice*] C'mon, Gypsy...
GYPSY: [O.S.] Nuh-uh! No way! For-*get* it, Jackson!
MIKE: [Nor-mal VOICE!!!] What's wrong, Gyps?
GYPSY: [enters stage left, carrying a wad of denim in her mouth, which she
angrily spits to the console] I'll tell you what's wrong! I refuse
to parade around dressed in those cut-offs like a piece of meat!
CROW: Lighten up, Gypsy, it's just part of the character.
TOM: Yeah, this is what she wears.
GYPSY: Well *you* wear it then. I plan to keep my dignity! [storms off]
TOM: Huh. Well, that's it for this sketch, I guess.
MIKE: Guess so. Hey, who's for some liquid refreshment?
FIDEL: How about a Cube Libre, mi amigos? Heh heh heh!
SEAN: Hey! Learnin' about Cuba, having some booze!
MIKE: Let's go, then.
[Mike & Tom leave, along with the cardboard Fidel & Sean (they're on wheels
of some sort), leaving only Crow perched alone up on his stool.]
CROW: Uh, guys? Someone wanna get me off this stool? Hello? Anyone?
Hello? [Pause] Ah, well. [Resumes strumming] o/` Mamas, don't
let your babies grow up to be cowbots... o/`
[Crow continues singing over the meatball as we go to...]
COMMERCIALS
1) Steven Spielberg! "Taken"! Love it!
2) McGrill Scrapings! Because you'll buy anything for 99 cents!
3) Can you hear me now? Can you hear me *now*?! CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW!!!
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
bil...@hiwaay.net http://home.hiwaay.net/~billfl
"If you're dumb, surround yourself with smart people. And if you're smart,
surround yourself with smart people who disagree with you."
Isaac Jaffee (Robert Guillaume), "Sports Night"