MiSTed - The Vanished (XF/Twin Peaks) 4/8
Bill Livingston
> Mulder thumped on Scully's door with one hand,
>straightening his tie with the other.
CROW: Hey, he's ambidextrous
SERVO: Showoff!
> "Hey, come on Scully." He glanced at his watch and said
>helpfully, "If you're looking for your shoes they're still on your
>feet."
SERVO: [As Scully] Bite me, Agent Pinkboy
> He was about to pound on the door again when he heard the
CROW: Trumpet of Doom!!
ALL: DEATHMAAAAAATCH!!!
>chime of the elevator. Turning, he felt his eyebrows rise at the
>figure that emerged from the doors.
MIKE: It was a quadratic equation
> She was dressed in a column of black, her hair softly
>framing her face, her arms bare. She smiled at him broadly and
>walked to his side.
CROW: RuPaul, no!
SERVO: RuPaul, yes!!
> "Agent Mulder, I came down to tell you that Agent Scully
>will be meeting you downstairs."
> Mulder regained his poise but couldn't keep the smile from
>his face.
SERVO: Or the song from his heart
> "Ms. Horne, you look lovely this evening."
CROW & SERVO: [singing] My my my my Mulder!
> "Thank you. You don't look so bad yourself."
> Mulder grinned sheepishly. "Thanks." After a beat, Mulder
>realized he was still staring, and hastily offered his arm. "Shall we
>go down, then?"
[All cough and shift nervously]
> "Why thank you, Agent Mulder," Constance smiled.
> They entered the elevator and Mulder remembered to ask,
>"What happened to Scully?"
MIKE: Well, she was born, then she became a doctor, then she became
an FBI agent, then she got kidnapped and impregnated by aliens,
then she got trapped here with you and Cooper
> "She got a spot on her suit and went to get it cleaned."
> "Ah."
> "Agent Mulder, can I ask you something?"
SERVO: [Constance] I've got a package for "Red Shoes" and I was
wondering...?
> The two of
>them stepped out of the elevator and moved towards the bustling
>lounge.
> "Sure."
> "Are you and Agent Scully....?"
MIKE: Only in the dreams of fanfic writers around the globe
> Mulder looked down at Constance Horne's dark eyes and
>ruby lips, taken quite by surprise;
CROW: When did she get lips?
> he had an answer formulated for
>just such a question but he could see it was too late- his hesitation
>had already given him away.
SERVO: Hesitation can be fatal when faced with the killer Fenn
> "I see." Constance said archly.
> "No," Mulder laughed, shaking his head, "I don't think you
>do."
> Constance smiled up at him with understanding, "You don't,
>either."
ALL: Third Base!
> Before he could reply they had made it to the steps into the
>lounge and Constance melted away from his arm
CROW: Thanks to Nutri-System!
> and into the
>crowd, flashing a sly grin behind her.
CROW: [falsetto] I'm so naughty, so naughty I am!
> Mulder rocked on
MIKE: Dude!
SERVO: Rock on, man!
CROW: WHOOOOOOO!!
> his heels for a moment, trying to pick
>Scully out from the crowd. Failing to see her, he walked down the
>steps and towards Cooper.
> "Coop, who are all these people?"
CROW: Well, there's Michael Ontkean, Madchen Amick...
SERVO: Lara Flynn Boyle, James Marshall...
CROW: Wendy Robey, Michael Horse...
SERVO: Russ Tamblyn, Grace Zabriskie...
MIKE: How do you guys -
CROW: Oh, we're hardwired directly to the Internet Movie Database.
SERVO: Yeah, right now we're at "http://www.msstate.edu/M/title-exact?2E647"
> "Mulder, I have no idea."
SERVO: Yes, and?
> Cooper was fidgeting nervously.
>"Where's Agent Scully?"
> "Got held up back there.
CROW: Boy, some FBI agent: his partner gets mugged and he walks
off in the middle of it!
SERVO: He's letting her have her personal space
> She'll be down in a minute. Have
>you seen Truman?"
> "Err. No, not yet." Cooper replied quietly.
> Mulder swallowed his words and reached for a glass of
>champagne.
MIKE: Champagne helps words go down better
SERVO: This message brought to you by the Booze Council [tm]!
> He had spotted Truman entering from the dining
>room, on his arm a very beautiful woman.
CROW: That's okay, Scully's a doctor: she can get rid of it
> Mulder had to deduce
>that she was Annie Blackburn and understood Cooper's
>nervousness. They were making their way through the crowd
>towards them.
> "Mulder, I don't think I'm ready for this..." Cooper said
>suddenly, but then Truman and Annie were upon them.
SERVO: And they were ripping them apart!!
CROW: Oh the carnage!!
> "Dale," Annie said immediately, disengaging herself from
>her husband's arm. "Thank God!" She embraced him gently, as if
>he would break. Cooper looked dumbfounded,
ALL: Half right!
> his head tilting
>slightly towards Annie's tumble of blonde waves. He hastily pushed
MIKE: The button?
CROW: [Forrester's voice] Push the button, Kyle! [regular voice] No, no,
I just don't see it
>her away from him and simply drank her in with his eyes.
SERVO: [Makes slurping noise] Ahh, that Annie hit the spot!
> "Harry,"
MIKE: Hey, it's "follically gifted"!
> Annie paused at her words, as if unsure. "Harry
>has told me what happened. What you think happened. I'm so
>sorry, Dale.
MIKE: [as Annie] I'm so sorry you attacked me like a freaking maniac
and left me for dead, you *yerk*!!!
> We- I- thought you were dead." Tears had begun to
>form in the gentle woman's eyes, and she brought a hand to her face
>to stifle the sobs. Cooper and Truman both moved towards her at
SERVO: Warp Speed!
>the sight. Annie turned quickly into the comforting arms of her
>husband. Cooper shrank away, eyes lowered.
CROW: The Incredible Shrinking Cooper!
> "This was supposed to be a happy occasion, Coop." Harry
>said, rocking Annie back and forth in his arms gently. "She really
>wanted to do this for you."
> "Thank you, Annie. Annie..." Cooper pulled at her
>shoulder gently, and she lifted her face, brushing away her tears.
CROW: She must be equipped with a flywheel mechanism or something
>"I thank you, for everything. I'm very happy for you and Harry."
> Annie gripped Cooper's hand gratefully and smiled like an
>angel.
SERVO: [falsetto] And the angel Annie appeared and said unto them,
"A little while more thou shalt suffer this fanfic"
> "MULDER, YOU OLD DOG!
[all make doggie noises]
> OR SHOULD I SAY
>'FOX'?"
CROW: Yep. Fridays at 9, 8 Central
> Gordon Cole pressed through the crowd, Albert in tow,
>reaching out to shake Mulder's hand.
> "Gordon. Still deaf, huh?"
MIKE: Mulder. Still a jerk, huh?
> "WHAT WAS THAT?" Gordon tapped the small device
>hooked around one of his ears, "THIS IS A NEW DOOHICKEY
>THE BUREAU IS USING ON ME.
CROW: [as Cole] SHOOTS COSMIC RAYS DIRECTLY INTO MY BRAIN!
> HAVEN'T QUITE GOT
>THE HANG OF IT, YET."
> Mulder reached over to the amplifier in Cole's pocket and
>flipped a dial.
> "How's that, Gordon?"
MIKE: Hey, he turned his crank to FRANK
SERVO: Oh, Frank...
MIKE: There, there, honey, it's all right.
> "NOT A PRAYER, MISTER. I'VE ALREADY TRIED
>THAT ONE."
CROW: [as Cole] BUT I CAN PICK UP NPR JUST DANDY
> Mulder gave up and shrugged at Rosenfield, who moved
>next to him and handed him a fresh glass of champagne.
SERVO: [as Albert] Now you know why *we're* so edgy, pal:
what's your excuse?
> "Rosenfield, I wasn't finished with that other one."
> "This is Cole's. He's already had a snootful, Mulder, and
>believe me you don't want him getting anymore."
MIKE: Yeah, his snoot might overflow, and that'd get nasty!
> Albert glanced at
>Mulder's attire, "Aren't we looking hot tonight.
SERVO: Must be wearing that recycled couch he had on at the Emmys
> Jesus, Mulder, you
>look like a paragon of intellectual snobbery and blue blood.
>Stepped right out of a damned GQ!"
MIKE: Well, thanks, I - HEY!
> "Like your tie, Rosenfield," Mulder replied, flipping the
>tangled mess that was Albert's bow tie with a finger. Albert didn't
>even flinch.
CROW: Does this bug you? I'm not touching you! Does this bug you?
> "I know that my clothing is usually of the most orderly and
>impeccable nature, but when I get to these wining and dining
>events, I firmly believe that a man's tie should make a statement
>about the personality it's strangling."
CROW: And I think we know just about *everything* we need to about
Albert's personality
> Mulder laughed and sipped his drink, wishing Scully was
>there to bail him out.
> "STOP THE PRESSES! COOP, TELL ME, WHO IS
>THAT LOVELY WOMAN STANDING ON THE THRESHOLD?"
SERVO: Of a nervous breakdown.
> Mulder casually glanced at whoever had caught Gordon's
>attention and nearly dropped his drink.
> "WOWZY WOW WOW!
CROW: Oh God, it's Arch Hall Jr.
SERVO: Just kill us now.
> LET ME TELL YOU COOP,
>THERE'S JUST SOMETHING ABOUT A REDHEAD."
MIKE: [singing] There is ab-so-lute-ly nothing like a dame!
>
> Dana stood a bit breathless at the entrance to the lounge,
>grateful for the few stairs that descended so she could get a good
>look into the room.
SERVO: So some stairs go down and some go up?
CROW: The laws of physics are nullifiable in Twin Peaks
> People were dancing and the band from the
>previous night played lurching tunes from a small raised stage on
>one end of the floor.
CROW: [singing wheezily] Jumpin' Jack Flash is a gas gas gaaaaackkkk!!!
> She quickly spotted a group of suits and
>Mulder's head poking out amongst them.
SERVO: [as Scully] Mulder! Stop hiding in Robert Hall's
> Gathering her skirt, she
>ventured out into the room of milling people.
CROW: They're grinding wheat into flour?
MIKE: I don't think so
>
> Mulder swallowed, his throat suddenly dry, and placed his
>glass on the tray of a passing waiter. He had glimpsed her for only
>a second before she descended the stairs and disappeared into the
>crowd, but what he had seen...
CROW: What? He's seen her practically every day for the last three
years! Don't tell me there's something he hasn't seen yet!
> "Gordon, that's Special Agent Dana Scully."
> "SPECIAL AGENT IS RIGHT! MY GOODNESS,
>COOP. SHE'S HEADED THIS WAY! HOW DO I LOOK?"
SERVO: Compared to what?
> "Fine, Gordon, just fine."
> Mulder put his hands in his pockets coolly, trying
>desperately not to look as expectant as he felt.
MIKE: Let's hope his water doesn't break
> She slid past a few people, both hands full of her trailing
>long-sleeved dress, a rich burgundy velvet that sloped in a gentle
>curve off of her shoulders and clinged just tightly enough in the
>right places.
CROW: Seattle, San Diego, Albuquerque...
> Her auburn hair was piled in curls atop her head,
>trailing wisps framing her full face. Mulder noticed with relief that
>her makeup was the same as usual;
MIKE: She's still mostly water and carbon, with a few trace elements
> if one more thing about her had
>been different, they'd probably be scraping his jaw off the floor with
>a spatula.
CROW: [announcer] Come on down to SPATULA CITY! (r)
> Dana smiled a bit shyly as she approached them, seeing their
>stares, and a few steps away from Mulder, tripped in the most
>inelegant manner.
SERVO: Nothing worse than an acid flashback in the middle of a party.
> Mulder shot out a hand and caught hers, holding
>it firmly as she regained her balance.
MIKE: They must be practicing their circus act
SERVO: *The Circus!!* Nononono...
MIKE: Speaking of tripping -
CROW: He's still not over those shorts we saw a couple of years ago
> "Whew. Thanks Mulder. This dress is a bit too long for
>me."
CROW: She's not used to dressing this femmey
> She pushed a wisp of hair out of her eyes and smoothed down
>the wrinkles in her dress, obviously enjoying his speechless
>reaction.
SERVO: Anything that can shut Mulder up is fine by us
> He cleared his throat and tried to think of something
>safely neutral to say.
> "Scully, you have a neck!" he said suavely.
ALL: *D'OH!!!*
> She only smiled at him, amused.
> "Really, you look great, great" he said, desperately trying
>not to sound desperate for words.
SERVO: You, it's, y'see, heh heh heh, that is, we, I, ummm...
> Constance appeared at his elbow,
ALL: YAH!!
SERVO: She's David Copperfield in drag!
>smiling broadly at Scully, who gave a small flourish to her outfit.
> "Constance helped me. I couldn't have done this without her."
> "Agent Mulder, you've got a puddle of drool on your shoes!"
MIKE: That happens, sorry
> Both women laughed merrily at Mulder's expense, which he
>took gladly upon hearing the sound of Dana's uninhibited laughter.
> "EXCUSE ME, AGENT SCULLY. I DON'T BELIEVE
>I'VE HAD THE PLEASURE."
CROW: [as Cole] NOT FOR A LONG LONG TIME!! IT WAS BACK DURING THE
FORD ADMINISTRATION, AND...
MIKE: Crow, don't go there!
> Scully smothered her laughter and shook Gordon's hand
>politely, "Gordon Cole?"
> "YOU KNOW MY NAME! FELLAS, STAND BACK. I'M GONNA NEED SOME AIR."
MIKE: Wouldn't laughing gas be more appropriate?
SERVO: [D.Hopper] DON'T LOOK AT ME! DON'T EVER LOOK AT ME!!!
MOMMY!!!! MOMMY!!!!
>
> Scully felt like a little girl again; the little girl who snuck
>into Mother's closet and tried on her favorite clothes, smearing
>lipstick and blush everywhere then proudly walking into public,
>feeling like a movie star.
CROW: Now she actually has something in common with Mulder
> She had to admit to herself that she felt a
>bit glamorous...even a bit sexy. It was freeing and delicious, and
MIKE: Low in saturated fats
>she could feel the relaxation easing into her bones with each passing
>minute.
MIKE: Oh, she's just been hittin' the hotel bar again
CROW: Booze really makes you a hit at parties
SERVO: This message brought to you by the Booze Council [tm]!
Booze satisfies.
CROW: Booze: have some today!
> "Quite a transformation, Agent Scully, quite a
>transformation."
SERVO: It's more than meets the eye
> "Thanks, Albert."
> "You know, formal wear is a tricky thing.
MIKE: Not as long as you have that whole "opposable thumb" deal
mastered
> Either people
>bring it down to their level- look at Mulder here, he slouches even
>in a thousand dollar tux..."
> "Rental," Mulder informed him.
CROW: That's pretty stiff for one night
> "...or people 'dress up' to their level. Now, I've seen some
>Bureau women, all dolled up for some shindig or another, but
CROW: Shindig?
MIKE: You know, a hullabaloo
SERVO: A hootenanny
MIKE: A Jubilation
SERVO: A soiree'
CROW: Hey, that's French!
>without that stiff Bureau regime, that Bureau authority, they were
>like a mass of spineless, formless jelly.
SERVO: Insert your own Bill Clinton joke here
> I'm saying unabashedly that
>you, Dana, have turned my knees to jelly this evening."
ALL: EWW-W-W-W!!
> "Yes Dana, you look like a vision."
CROW: And you sound like a, er, sound
> "Thank you Cooper, you look very handsome yourself.
>How is our guest of honor?"
> "Wondering who all these people could be."
MIKE: They could be aliens, or vampires, or spirits, or living shadows, or
giant leeches, or -
SERVO: Stow it, Mulder!
> Harry Truman stepped over to Dana, "Agent Scully, I'd like
>you to meet my wife, Annie."
SERVO: I saw your show on Broadway - very nice!
> Scully looked at the woman on Truman's arm and
>recognized not her appearance, but the aura of goodness about her
>that Cooper had described in his tapes.
MIKE: I don't recall the face, but your glow is familiar
> "Nice to meet you, Annie."
> "Agent Scully."
> "Dana."
CROW: Chief?
SERVO: McCloud?
> "LIKE THE WOMAN IN THE PAINTING."
> "What painting, Gordon?"
SERVO: Guernica
> "YOU KNOW THE ONE I MEAN, COOP. SEASHELLS,
>RED HAIR DOWN TO KINGDOM COME. BOTTLE-SOMEBODY!"
MIKE: Barbara Eden?
> "Ah, Botticelli. BOTTICELLI'S BIRTH OF VENUS,
>GORDON?"
> "EST-CE QUE VOUS DESIRER DANSER AVEC MOI?
CROW: Translation, anyone?
MIKE: I'm not sure, but I think he just accused Fred Astaire of "filling
my vacuum cleaner with quiche"
SERVO: I think he asked for a boiled tractor and some duct tape
>THAT'S FRENCH, YOU KNOW, MS. SCULLY. DIDN'T
>SPEND THE LAST FEW YEARS IN EUROPE FOR NOTHING.
CROW: [as Cole] AT LEAST IT WON'T BE ONCE THEY APPROVE THAT
DARN EXPENSE ACCOUNT
>I CAN SAY A LOT MORE BUT I THINK I BETTER GET TO
>KNOW YOU A BIT BETTER FIRST."
> Mulder could see the top of Dana's lip curling as she tried to
>smile convincingly at Cole and seized the
SERVO: Hey!
> opportunity.
SERVO: Oh. OK.
> "She can't hear you, Gordon," he said smoothly, taking
>Dana up in his arms and steering her towards the dance floor.
CROW: Boy, she lets him get away with a lot
MIKE: Well, think about it, who would you rather have after you -
Mulder or Gordo?
CROW: [long pause] I hope those aren't my only options
SERVO: Cooper?
CROW: [sighs] I'd just get a sammich and stand in the corner!
> Scully peered around his shoulder as they wandered
>amongst the other couples and looked gratefully at Mulder, who
>murmured,
MIKE: "The Truth is Out There" (tm)
SERVO: [Scully] Ix-nay, we're off duty!
> "Twinkletoes."
> Scully struggled, trying to gather the loose folds of her
>dress and still follow Mulder's lead. "Where have I heard that
>before?" she managed to smile. She got a handle on her
SERVO: Toilet?
CROW: Car Door?
MIKE: CB Radio?
> situation
>and then nodded fractionally towards Gordon. "He's quite a
>character."
> "Yeah, Gordon's a classic."
MIKE: He's a 1955 Buick Super
> "He seems harmless enough."
> "That's what worries me."
SERVO: D'oh!!
> "Mulder," she began carefully, "does this animosity towards
>Cole have anything to do with his connection to the 'Blue Rose'
>cases and Project Bluebook?"
SERVO: Sounds like he got the blues
MIKE: He got the blues real bad!
> Scully felt Mulder stiffen in her arms
CROW: Well, I would too if -
MIKE: I wouldn't, if I were you
CROW: But you're not me, are you?
MIKE: One more thing to be grateful for.
CROW: Sure, but - hey wait a minute!
> and he steered her
>closer to the stage where the band was playing. He leaned in close
>and spoke under the cover of the music.
> "What do you know about it?"
SERVO: [German accent] You vill tell me all you know about Allied
shipping routes!
> "Um, just what I read from Cole's profile and Cooper's
>notes. I also have a case file I just downloaded from the FBI
>database that I haven't read yet;
CROW: Another wacky misadventure from "The Mixed-up X-Files of
Agent Dana K. Scully",
> the murder of a Teresa Banks?"
> "You've been doing your homework," Mulder said
>appreciatively.
SERVO: [as teenager] Yeah, but that Algebra stuff's really got me
stumped!
> "I try," Scully replied. "Care to let me in on what you
>know?"
> "I've been meaning to discuss this with you Scully, but was
>afraid that-" he paused, his lips pursing.
> "What?"
MIKE: The elves would show up with the hurting sticks!
> "I was afraid you wouldn't believe me," he said quietly.
> Scully sighed, giving Mulder's shoulders a small shake,
CROW: A Shamrock Shake
>"When has that stopped you before?"
> Mulder looked down into Dana's eyes, smiling at their
>lovely clarity and openness. "Project Bluebook was looking for
>evidence of E.B.E.'s , a military operation.
CROW: So the military is looking for the heebie-jeebies
SERVO: JEEBIES, HEEBIE, ONE CASE, *SIR*!
> I believe that Gordon
>Cole's 'Blue Rose' cases were to find proof of the existence of the
>Black Lodge. They both found what they were looking for; here in
>Twin Peaks."
"And the connection is...?"
CROW: Kevin Bacon
> "I'm not sure. Maybe there is no connection." Mulder saw
>that his words did not make Scully very comfortable and attempted
>to lighten her mood.
MIKE: [as Mulder] So, been kidnapped by any aliens lately?
> "Hey, this is a party. We can discuss this
>tomorrow, after you've read the Banks case. You were supposed
>to live a little, remember?"
> "Let my hair down?" she said with mock incredulity.
SERVO: Let your jaw go slack with amazement
> "You've got a gravity defying 'do, Agent Scully," Mulder
>observed matter-of-factly.
> Scully looked upwards, as if contemplating the dynamic of
>her pinned curls.
> "The night is still young, Mulder," she said finally.
SERVO: [as announcer] The mating ritual of the domestic FBI agent is
complex, yet beautiful
> Mulder fought to keep a straight face and retaliated by
CROW: Sticking her hand in a bowl of warm water
>giving Scully a low dip, rewarded by her small gasp of surprise and
>burst of laughter. As they settled into an easy rhythm, Mulder felt
>the room slow into a sluggish pace.
MIKE: Someone must have turned on "My So-Called Life"
SERVO: Yeah, that usually sucks all the life right out of a room.
> A spotlight framed his head as
>the rest of the crowd was plunged into darkness. He turned his
>head to scan the room and saw Cooper, his face also illuminated by
>a light.
SERVO: Spotlight dance on Fox and Dale!
> In his arms, Dana seemed frozen in time, unaware of the
>changes in the room. There was movement out of the corner of his
>eye
CROW: Gross, Scully's eye mites are infectious
> and Mulder looked to the stage.
> A tall, gaunt man in a bow tie, shirt and slacks, also
>illuminated by a harsh spotlight, stood on the stage.
SERVO: It's Bill Nye, the Science Guy!
> He was
>waving his arms as if in warning, his mouth moving with unspoken
>words.
CROW: He's saying, "Don't... let... them... move... you... to...
Saturdays!"
> Mulder turned his head to look at Cooper, who was staring
>fixedly at the giant.
MIKE: [as Cooper] I'm *sure* he was on "Next Generation" once or twice!
> Lights began to flash and then the room was
>thrown into complete darkness, a few screams being heard during
>the split second it took for the lights to return.
SERVO: Aw man, these Jaycee haunted houses are just so *lame*!
> "Mulder! What happened?" Scully cried as the brief panic
>ebbed out of the crowd.
MIKE: [as Eb] Boy, Mr. Douglas, wuz that that BOB feller?
CROW: [as Hank Kimball] Hey there, Mr. Douglas, oh, I see ya got
BOB there, well, y'know, maybe not BOB, maybe more like a
Robert or somethin'...
> Truman hurried towards the stage, Annie
>trembling with fear behind him, as he soothed the crowd.
> "Everyone, stay calm. Just a hiccup in the power, nothing
>to be alarmed about."
> "Harry!"
MIKE: Look, I'm in electrolysis, so lay off!!
> Mulder and Scully rushed to the stage where Cooper stood,
>bending over a body that lay exactly where the Giant had stood.
MIKE: Barry Bonds is down!
> "Cooper, what is it?" Truman asked as they gathered
>around the inert form.
> "HOLY COW!"
SERVO: They've been transported to Wrigley Field.
MIKE: And the Cubs are playing the Giants
CROW: In bow ties
> Cole said as he also made his way to
>Cooper's side. "COOP...MEET SPECIAL AGENT CHESTER
>DESMOND!"
CROW: Chester Tate?
SERVO: Let's split guys
[Mike and bots start to leave]
CROW: Chester Cheetah?
MIKE: No, no, Crow, *Desmond*.
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