MiSTed: "Doctor, Samuel Beckett" 1/5

[The Clown]

MiSTed: "Doctor, Samuel Beckett" - by Tyler Dion

Well, this is my second MiSTing and I hope it's better than the last (Tell
me, won't you?).
Thanks go to:
- Erin Tumilty for spurring me on,
- Paul Harman for being a sport,
- David Paulden for frightening the hell out of me with his chapter of
"Experiment IV,"
- and, as always, to the Brains, who inspired a generation lost in
cyberspace (and maybe more!).

* * * * *

[Season 8 opening.]

[1...2...3...4...5...6...*]

[Instead of the SOL Bridge, the scene opens on board the Widowmaker,
Pearl Forrester's rocket-powered VW van. Pearl's half-reading an issue of
"Cosmo," half-watching the road/starscape while Observer sleeps with his
head flung back and snores loudly. Bobo fidgets beside him.]
Bobo: Are we there yet, Lawgiver?
Pearl: No! Ask again and I'll make you go ask those killer androids in the
next lane over for another left-handed smoke-shifter.
Bobo: Yes, Lawgiver. [Notices the camera.] Hello! Welcome aboard the
Widowmaker. I'm Professor Bobo and this is the most munificent
Lawgiver, Pearl Forrester.
Pearl: I'm not warning you again, Xaeus! Cork it!
[He fidgets a while longer, then opens his mouth to say something.]
Pearl: Try it, Sparky! Just try it!
[Bobo clamps his mouth shut. He gets a shifty look in his eyes and
watches Pearl carefully. After a few more moments, Bobo reaches over
past Observer to where we can see Observer's brain jiggling quietly in its
dish. His fingers carefully skirt the edge of the dish once or twice, then
dart in and grab the brain.]
Bobo: Hee hee! Take that, Brain Guy!
[He starts jabbing the brain in various places. Observer remains asleep,
but starts choking and gasping in time to the attacks.]
Pearl: [Eyes still on the magazine] Bobo, are you making Brain Guy
hemorrhage again?
Bobo: [Guiltily and quickly] No, Lawgiver.
Pearl: You better not. It's so hard to find highly evolved brains these days
and I *don't* want to have to special order one from Sweden.
[Bobo looks at Observer's brain, which is know kind of dusty and full of
holes where Bobo jabbed his fingers. He begins to carefully set the brain
back in its dish, but the van swerves suddenly. The brain dish is knocked to
the floor and it shatters.]
Pearl: Damn Wirrn! Why do they always have to swarm like that when a sun
goes nova?
[Wincing, Bobo looks at Observer, who's still sleeping. Carefully setting
the brain down on the seat, Bobo reaches under the bench with one hand,
obviously looking for something. When it comes back out, he's holding a
glass fish bowl. He looks from the bowl to the brain, weighing the
possibilities.]
Bobo: He'll never know anything happened...

[Commercials.]

[Return from commercials, once more on the Widowmaker. Bobo is now
sitting quietly. Observer begins to stir...]
Observer: Ohhh, why do I have this sudden craving for little flecks of
whale guano?
Bobo: Lawgiver! Brain Guy's trying to gross me out again!
Pearl: Knock it off, you two!
[Observer looks down at his brain, currently out of camera shot.]
Observer: [Furious] What. Have. You. DONE!!!
[He now grabs his brain and its dish and brings them into shot. His brain
is now sitting quietly at the bottom of the fish bowl, which has been
filled with water and blue gravel lines the bottom. While two goldfish
swim happily in circles, one of those novelty sea divers bubbles away
merrily next to Observer's brain.]
Observer: You and your tiny, microscopic, nano-atomically-sized, smaller
than a quark -- Argh! There isn't a word in your primitive vocabulary
to describe just how incredibly small your brain is!
Bobo: But look! I put in one of those cute little divers! See? He's bubbling!
[Observer drops the fish bowl and grabs Bobo's head. He starts dragging
it towards the bowl as Bobo screeches in protests. Huffing angrily, Pearl
hauls herself out of her canvas chair and marches over to the pair.]
Pearl: *What* did I tell you two about fighting?
[Before either can answer, Pearl smacks them both on the head with her
rolled-up magazine. Then she does it again for good measure. And once
more because it feels so good.]
Pearl: Now keep it zipped, Punch and Judy! [Looks at her watch.] Hmm,
almost time for Nelsap and Co. to get their due dose of punishment.

[SOL Bridge. Mike's talking animatedly with Crow and Tom. The Mads light
is flashing, but they don't notice.]
Mike: So you see, I think Pearl is suffering from regret about the way she
treated Dr Forrester. She ignored and neglected him during his
formative years *twice* and he grew up evil, twisted, and totally
useless.
Tom: Unlike the way she wanted him to grow up: evil, twisted, and actually
good at something.
Crow: Yeah, I get it! So sending us these movies centuries after the
experiments ended is really just her way of feeling like a good
mother.
Mike: Right! [Turns to the camera.] Hey, folks. Welcome to the Satellite of
Love! I'm Mike Nelson and these are my friends Crow T. Robot and
Tom Servo.
Tom: Guten tag.
Crow: Buenas noche.
Mike: We were just discussing the many and varied reasons why Pearl
Forrester is continuing her son's crusade to drive us insane with bad
movies and USENET posts some five centuries after his death.

[Widowmaker. Pearl's leering into the camera with that trademark
Forrester leer.]
Pearl: So what you're saying, Nelron, is that I'm torturing you and your
metal munchkins because of some deep-seated maternal need to see
my dear, departed Clayton succeed at something?

[SOL.]
Mike: [A little surprised] Yeah, that's about it, yeah.

[Widowmaker.]
Pearl: Wrongo, Bongo! I'm doing this because I *love* it! And I will see you
crushed! Just you wait! And if today's experiment doesn't do it...well,
just the short will probably be enough. First is a short by Doctor Who
Internet Adventures alumnus David Paulden called "A Crack in Time."
Brace yourselves, this fella has a worse sense of continuity than an
actual "Doctor Who" writer!
[Pearl pauses to laugh evilly and catch her breath. Bobo and Observer are
now locked in a to-the-death match of hair-pulling and face-scratching.]
And *if* you survive that -- which I highly doubt -- then a "Doctor
Who"/"Quantum Leap" crossover entitled "Doctor, Samuel Beckett" by
Paul Harman will be next up to bat. And this crossover moves so
slow it couldn't cross the tracks in time if the train was encased in
molasses *and* concrete! Weep for yourself, Nelson o' the Jumpsuit!
Thy doom hast come!
[Pearl laughs maniacally some more. In the background, Observer has
Bobo in a head lock and is now cramming the bowl onto his head.]

[SOL.]
Crow: See you guys in the afterlife!
Tom: I dunno, Crow, I've always gone in for reincarnation.
Mike: Yeah, and instant karma, knowing you.
[Hilarious and madcap zaniness ensues as lights and sirens blare.]
All: WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIIIIIIIIGN!!!

[6...5...4...3...2...1...*]

Crow: [As he enters] So, Mike, have you made out your will?
Mike: No. And you can't have my stereo.
Crow: Aw, man...

>A Crack In Time
>
> A Tom Baker Missing Adventure

Tom: Ah, the fresh smell of fanwank in the morning.

>
>
>The Fourth Doctor and Leela decide to buy a real dog to keep K.9 busy .

Crow: Go, Rin Tin Tin!

>They soon materialise in Blackpool and the Doctor notes how many flies
>there are , he soon discovers a laboratory and realises there's a great
>evil at work.

Mike: Flies are always a clear sign of evil. Right up there with people
who's names are clever anagrams of/synonyms for "Master."
Tom: "Smarte," for example. And "Tremas," "Estram," "Magister," "Neil
Toynay"...
Crow: Now you're making it up.

>No sooner then he tries to puzzle it out, he comes against an
>old adversary , who
>decides to stop the creation of Earth and the universe itself by
>causing a Crack In Time .....

Tom: [German accent] Nuzzink in ze vorld can shtop me now!

>
>
> COMING SOON by Round Robin New Adventures writer David Paulden

Mike: [Laughing slightly] Y'know, fanfic isn't as great an accolade as Davey
might like to think.
Crow: Like any good writers would spend their time writing without
getting paid. Just look at Douglas Adams; now *there's* a writer.

>
> BE PREPARED ................

Crow: Vomit bags, everyone?
Tom and Mike: Check.

>
>
>
> Prologue Who Are You ?

Tom: o/~ Whooooooooo are you? o/~
All: o/~ Who, who? Who, who? o/~

>
>
> "Who Are You ? "

Mike: Crow?
Crow: Not today, I think.

>" I am the last of the Skaroth . "

Mike: Wasn't Scaroth an alien and not a species?
Tom: Well, this guy is Skaroth with a "k" and not Scaroth with a "c",
obvious difference.
Mike: Yeah, I used to get calls for someone named "Mice" with a hard "c."

>After saying this he peeled off his humanoid
>appearance to reveal himself as a hideous green organism .

Crow: I think it's pretty safe to say we're looking at the work of someone
who is only marginally aware of "Doctor Who."

>
> * * * * * * *
*
>
>
>
> A Gallifreyan Time-Lord looked on as the last of the Skagaroth
>once again blew up
>himself and his ship ,

Tom: Okay, first we had the "Skaroth." Now we have the "Skagaroth."
Mike: Wasn't this a Missing Adventure with Leela? How can the Doctor be
old enemies with a person he won't meet for another two seasons?
Crow: [Consolingly] There, there, honey. Don't fret your head.

>although his outer appearance looked content
>at this result inside himself he was troubled
>secretly knowing this was not the end .

Mike: Who? The "Skagaroth"? Isn't his outer appearance all over?

>
> **** ****

Crow: Look at that! This guy can't even keep his asterisk design consistent!

>
>
>Nothing , Not even nothing , blackness , just two beings alone in
>space and time .

Tom: [Quick Scottish burr] Eeeeevil! Evil from the dawn of Tiiiiiime!

>They were
>fighting , they had been fighting for a long time . Stezt , the last of
>the Skagaroth

Crow: Finally, some consistency!
Mike: And the people rejoiced.

>against The
>Abbot but the Abbot was losing , he was dying , slowly and painfully .

Mike: And the drawback is...?
Tom: Now which of Abbot is this? Arafael or Abacus?
Crow: Does it matter?

>He had done all
>he could and the universe was dying in a cosmic disaster .

Mike: Again.

>The groaning of a TARDIS
>was heard and

Tom: [Old man] Geeeeezum! Gotta get new stairs!

>behind the Abbot chancellory guards appeared , behind them the
>President Of Gallifrey ,

Crow: Just released from proceedings with Monicalewinskydertanlanyin...

>Romanaadveratnerlundar

Mike: I thought her name was Romanadvoratrelundar.
Crow: Mike, I can't believe you just said that.

>and behind her The Doctor . There

Tom: No, over *there*.

>forces combined forced Stezt
>to retreat

Tom: With riveting detail like this, Paulden surpasses Ratliff in nine out
of ten surveys!

>and caused ( Now known to the earthlings ) the big bang , thus creating
>Romanas

Mike: I wonder why they never made "The Two Romanas"?

>TARDIS to shatter into thousands of pieces which became known as
>Earth ( in Gallifreyan
>this means Accident . )

Crow: Suuuuure, Davey. And "Gallifreyan" means "one who walks in
shadow." Riiiiight.

>The Stezt retreated and the Doctor ,
>the Abbot and Romana all
>went their separate ways .

Mike: [Doctor] So, we'll do this again next week?

>
> **** ****
>
>Nothing , Not even Nothing , blackness ,

Crow: So why is this 'fic still going?

>just a being alone in space and time . He had
>been fighting , fighting his mind for a very long time .

Mike: I can never decide! Should I get the regular or super-stretch
waistband?

>He came to a
>decision he was going to have revenge . Revenge on the Doctor .......

Tom: And this revenge would be for what now?

>
>
> To Be Continued .........

Crow: Oh, dear lord...

>
>
> I am a newcomer hoping to now become a very BIG regular .

Mike: Survey says?
Tom: Well, Mike, according to reliable sources, primarily the SOL's 300
baud server, David Paulden wrote this and promptly disappeared.
Crow: Much to the relief of sane people everywhere.

>All comments and critiscims
>are greatfully accepted . I look forward to hearing from you.

Tom: You heard the man, Crow! He wants to hear from us.
Crow: Gotcha. "Dear Davey. Grow up, get a job, and stop writing. Sincerely,
the Committee for the Preservation of the Human Psyche."

>If you liked this short episode then

Mike: You're not getting enough medication.

>you will probably like the rest of the story and I also reccomend
>Experiment IV of which
>I`m also writing a chapter.

Mike: At least that story remained pretty good, regardless of Davey's,
ahem, "contribution."
Tom: If you ignore the sudden appearance of Drax and his "cousin."
Voice of God: [Thunderous voice-over from nowhere] HEY! KNOCK THAT OFF!
I SAID I WAS SORRY!
All: Sorry, God.

>
>************
>
>
> All Doctor Who characters Copyright BBC
>The Abbot copyright Robert Marks

Mike: I never liked that guy.
Tom: Who? The Abbot or Marks?
Mike: Same thing.

>Stezt Character Copyright David Paulden and I would like the credit
>for future use of it although
>the Skaroth race also belong to BBC although you have full use to
>include him in your story
>as long as my name is at the bottom like this one !

Tom: [Dribbling] Duh duh duh duh duh...
Crow: Let me get this straight. Davey wants credit for a character we met
for about two lines that belongs to a race owned by the BBC? And
anyone can use this "Stetz," but they have to give Davey credit? For a
member of an alien species he *doesn't* even own?
Mike: That's about the size of it, yeah.

>
>

Crow: Mike, can we leave now? Tommy ain't looking so good.
Mike: A little longer, Crow. I don't think Pearl's pumped the air back into
the ship yet.

>~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-
>~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~

Crow: o/~ La cucaracha, la cucaracha... o/~

>
> Doctor, Samuel Beckett
> ----------------------
> or
>
> A Leap in Time
> --------------

Tom: [Waking up woozily] Huh? Wha? [Notices the text] Aw, man...

>
> by Paul Harman
> ==============
>
> Part One
> ~~~~~~~~
>
> The usual post-leap euphoria in the control room at Project Quantum
>Leap was broken as sirens blared throughout the complex. Al, tired from
>the last leap (which had been a particularly difficult one), looked up in
>puzzlement.
> "What the hell's that?" he demanded of no-one in particular.

Mike: It's MOVIE SIIIIIIGN!!!

> "I have no idea, but I intend to find out!" replied Gooshie, already
>on his feet and making good speed towards Ziggy.

Tom: As opposed to bad speed, which I guess would be going really slow.
Crow: Or maybe walking backwards.

> Ziggy herself seemed in a panic, or at least as close to a panic as a
>computer could get. She was slurring her speech slightly, spouting
>strange
>but worrying error messages that had never before been used.

Tom: [Slurred] Iiii'm hokay. Nooo problem. Jus' ha' a fooo too many drinkys.

>Gooshie leapt to
>the main console, and placed his hand onto one of the access pads.
> "Ziggy, what's going on?" he asked. It took Ziggy some time to
>respond.

Mike: [Gooshie] "Abort? Retry? Fail?" What the hell's that?

> "I have lost contact with Sam," Ziggy replied, apparently in some
>distress (or at least a good imitation of distress).
> "What exactly do you mean?"

Crow: Let's see, this guy's guiding an amnesiac time traveller back home
and he doesn't understand one syllable words? Sam's in trouble.

> "I had his position until he leapt, but now I have no trace."
> "Was there any indication of where he leapt to?"
> "None whatsoever."
> "Great," said Al, "just great."

Mike: [Al] Finally, I can get back to my fulfilling life of leering after cheap
women.

>
>
> Sam blinked as he completed his leap, sheilding his eyes from the
>bright blue glare. I really must work out what

Mike: ...Makes me sweat like a pig.

>that is when I get back, he
>thought. He looked around to see what situation he had been left in this >time,
>and shook his head when he did so. He couldn't really believe what he was
>seeing. He was in a cream-white room, standing in front of... something.

Crow: The fetid pile of streaming remains blurps slightly and sludges
towards you. Do you: [A]ttack? [R]un away? [C]ast a spell?

>The walls were white, with glowing circular depressions which he took

Mike: ...And hid in his pocket.

>for some
>kind of light fittings: certainly there were no other visible means of

Crow: ...Supporting the 'fic.

>illumination; no windows, skylights, strip-lamps or anything else. There
>appeared to be two exits from the room, a door opposite him and what he
>presumed to be a heavy security double-door (an airlock?) with no visible

Mike: ...Supports, yes, we've done that.

>means
>of opening. For some reason, this made him think of a laboratory, with

Crow: ...Busty scientists in short lab coats.

>highly dangerous experiments being conducted behind those unopenable
>doors.

Crow: Yes... [Pronounces deliberately] Ex-per-i-men-ta-tions...

>They had definately been built to withstand _something_, he thought. If
>that were the case, then the room he was in would be some sort of
>control
>centre. There was a monitor half-way up the wall opposite to the safety
>doors,
>currently turned off. If this was a control room of some kind, it would
>explain the mushroom-like structure in the centre of the room.

Mike: The answer was perfectly clear: this was a research center devoted
to developing the latest in psychedelics.
Crow: I tell ya, the CIA did train their agents with LSD!

>But what of the rising/falling perspex column in the centre?

Tom: Ah, the Amazing Springo Nelson's Column (tm).

> Somewhere in the distance a bell was ringing, a slow loud tolling. It
>sounded like a warning of doom itself.

Mike: And it so written the second child of the Jacksonpresley gestalt
shall come and release a horrible plague upon the world.

>Sam opened the smaller door and looked
>out into a corridor, the walls of which were the same as those in the
>control
>room. The bell was louder out there. Was it a fire bell? Maybe, but what
>was he to do about it? He didn't know where to run.

Tom: [Falsetto] o/~ Nowhere to run/nowhere to hide... o/~

> "Oh, where _are_ you Al?" he asked. "I need you here..."
> Sam was getting a little warm.

Crow: Saaaaaayyy...

>He looked down at his clothes: a thick
>purple overcoat, a waistcoat and a shirt, trousers, and a very long scarf
>were all he could see.

Tom: Was he expecting to be wearing any more?

>A hatstand in the corner of the room had a floppy
>wide-brimmed hat on it. No wonder he was getting warm. He began to
>search
>through the pockets to work out what was going on. In one, a paper bag
>full of
>jelly babies, he took one and nibbled the end experimentally before
>popping it into his mouth.

Crow: Eating strange candy found in people's pockets is fun!

>In another, what appeared to be a screwdriver with
>some buttons on the handle, and a business card written in a language
>which bared a striking resemblance to Greek.

Mike: Dr Sam Beckett bares all Tuesday nights at the Sahara when he
reveals his shocking talent for translating arousing Aramaic, sultry
Sanskrit, and glamorous Greek.

> "Oh, boy!" he said.

Tom: Oh gosh, oh golly, oh geewhiz! Friend Rupert gone nullspace!
Crow: What?
Tom: [Disgusted] Philistine.

>
>

[Commercials]

Continued in Part 2...

--
Tyler Dion E-mail: Clo...@sprynet.com
?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?_?
"You *are* a fool, aren't you?"
"Only when I get paid. My free-time definition is 'chump.'"
-- from "Doctor Who: Time's Children" on a.dw.c