MiSTed: The Lost Ones (1/2)
TICK
While we're on the subject of Dr. Who, did anyone start doing the
"Dr. Who Theme" when James Spader went through the StarGate?
(1...2...3...4...5...6...7)
TOM is in a bathrobe, sitting in front of a television, a bowl of cereal
by his side.
TOM: Oh, hi, everyone. Excuse my attire, I just woke up. Ya know,
there's nothing like getting up early, pouring yourself a bowl
of Honey Skulls and watching bad children's programming. One
of those fake Power Rangers shows is about to come on. Hey,
Mike, could you get back in here and give me another spoonful
of cereal?
MIKE: (OS) Just a second, Tom, I'm trying to get this pogo stick
out of Crow.
TOM: Don'cha mean 'Get Crow off the pogo stick?'
MIKE: (OS) No.
TOM: Ewwwwww.
TV: Today on Superhuman Samurai Syber Squad, Matthew Lawrence turns into
the robotic fighter, Servo!
TOM: WHAAAAA?!
TV: It's Servo versus Tim Curry on Suberhuman Samurai Syber Squad...
TOM: AAAAAAAIIIIIIGH!!
(MIKE & CROW come in.)
MIKE: What's the matter, Tom?
TOM: HAVE YOU SEEN THIS?! I'M BEING PORTRAYED BY JOEY LAWRENCE'S LESS
TALENTED BROTHER!!
CROW: Hey, what's the big deal? I've had somebody take _my_ name.
TOM: You got Brandon Lee! I'm supposed to be Matthew Lawrence! TURN IT OFF!!
MIKE: Relax, Tom, the VR Troopers are calling.
[Deep 13]
Dr. F: I'm a fan of Tattooed Teenage Alien Fighters from Beverly Hills,
myself.
FRANK: I liked the Bionic Six!
Dr. F: Yyyyyyyyeah. Anyway, on with the invention exchange. In keeping
with our line of celebrity burglar alarms, Frank and I have
developed the new Sinead O'Connor burglar alarm.
FRANK: Now you can keep your home safe from harm by playing a tape
of the Bald One endlessly haranguing anything and everything!
Allow me to illustrate...
[FRANK pushes a button.]
SINEAD: You American pigs aren't fit to be eaten by rats, all of ye are
fascists...except Kris Kristofferson, he's the only man I've
ever wanted to call Papa...Oh, My Special Child, I Love Ye...
It's been seven hours and thirteen days...
Dr. F: OFF! OFF! MAKE IT STOP!
[SOL]
MIKE is sitting in a theater seat, facing offscreen.
CROW: Well, sirs, our invention exchange this week is on the pharmaceutical
side.
TOM: It's Anti-360 Degree Shot Motion Sickness Pills! Say you plunk
down seven bucks to see Mary Shelley's Frankenstein. You sit
down and dump an entire tub of popcorn into your gaping maw.
MIKE: Next thing you know, there's Kenneth Branagh and Helena Bonham Carter
embracing onscreen! The camera whips around and around! Do you
want to spew all that snack food?
CROW: Heck no! It's expensive! So you pop a couple of Dr. Crow's
Carousel Busters, and you're In Like Flynn.
MIKE: Yeah, it's....BLEEEAAAAGH!
TOM: Crow, I thought these were supposed to keep him from tossing!
CROW: Yeah, but just from those carousel shots. I didn't say anything
about the _rest_ of the movie.
MIKE: Oh God...Tom Hulce...
TOM: Whaddaya think, sirs?
[Deep 13]
FRANK: Yeah, but can you block out DeNiro's acting? I DON'T THINK SO!
Dr. F: Well, my last duchess, today we've got a little slice of tripe
called "The Lost Ones." It's a Dr. Who fanfic, so proceed with
caution, and if it moves, shoot it. Push the button, Frank...
[SOL]
ALL: AHHHHH! WE GOT DR. WHO SIGN!!
(7.....6.....5.....4......3.....2......1)
>Newsgroups: alt.drwho.creative
TOM: Who else thiks the chances of this being creative are a bit remote?
>Path: ulowell!europa.eng.gtefsd.com!howland.reston.ans.net!swrinde!pipex!warwick!sunserver1.aston.ac.uk!usenet
>From: jord...@aston.ac.uk (DC JORDAN)
CROW: Is Mr. T in this?
>Subject: Story - The Lost Ones
MIKE: Cool! A vampire story!
TOM: I don't think so.
>Message-ID: <Cz99E...@aston.ac.uk>
>Sender: use...@aston.ac.uk
>Reply-To: jord...@aston.ac.uk
>Organization: Aston University
CROW: Jeez, we have one crummy little revolution and this is how the UK
retaliates.
>References: <3a0rin$7...@newsbf01.news.aol.com>
>Date: Mon, 14 Nov 1994 11:32:25 GMT
>Lines: 457
>
>
>This is a story written by a friend, If you have any comments please
>send them to me. My E-Mail address is jord...@sun.aston.ac.uk or just
>send any comments into the alt.drwho.creative group.
TOM: My name is...Tommy Flanagan! Yeah, that's it, I'm a mem--the pres--
the FOUNDER of Pathological Liars Anonymous!
>
>Note: I accept no responsibily for the appallingly bad grammar
>contained in the story 8->.
MIKE: We're in trouble, guys.
>
>
>Hi,
> This is the first ever Doctor Who story I've written. I am not
>even on the net but I am getting a friend to put the story on for me.
CROW: I am just totally like not on the net, dude.
MIKE: We're in DEEP trouble.
>I would appreciate any ideas or comments, I hope you enjoy it and if
>you do please let me know, it will let me know that people are taking
>an interest in my work.
TOM: Well, that depends on what you mean by "interest..."
>
>
>
> This is the story of "The Lost Ones"
> By Ian Holt
TOM: You can read along in your book. You will know it is time to
turn the page when Tinkerbell rings her little bell,
like this.
CROW: Oh, _now_ I remember. THese are those four college students
who live together and beat each other up.
MIKE: Not exactly, Crow.
>
>
>On a distant planet in the far reaches of the universe, A girl is
>sleeping in the shade of a tall blue-leafed tree.
CROW: Just take my word for it.
>Kal is suddenly
MIKE: Hey, Kal-El!
>woken by a faint groaning and wheezing sound, at first she dismisses
>it as the wind but the sound is gets louder.
CROW: I'm gettin' that old "Rocky Dwarf" feeling, guys.
>At the moment when the
>sound seems to be vibrating the very ground where she is now sitting,
TOM: Oh, yes, oooooh, keep it up, don't stop, I'm almost there...
>a small blue box appears from nowhere. Kal notices the sound is now
>decreasing but she is still weary of the blue box,
MIKE: I think we'll _all_ be weary of this box soon enough.
>slowly she stands
CROW: And STEP BY STEP! INCH BY INCH!
>and backs away, as soon as she far enough away she starts running.She
>knows that strange things have been happening but this is the
>strangest of the lot.
TOM: Well, not necessarily. I mean, there's no monkeys yet.
>In a hexagonal room, a figure is lying under a control panel with
>circuit boards spread everywhere.
CROW: Now if this Tardis goes below fifty miles per hour...BOOM!!
>
>"Perhaps I should have reversed the polarity of the neutron flow" He
>states to an empty room.
MIKE: You should have thought of that before we left home.
>
>"Jo pass me the sonic screw-driver will you ?" He asked and then
>realised how much he missed her.
TOM: But then he remembered how annoying she really was and got over it.
MIKE: Why, which companion was she?
TOM: Does it matter?
>
>He reflected on the time with his companions, "Time's so short," he
>muttered.
CROW: What is this, a Bergman film? Where's the cheesy aliens and stuff?
>
>He quickly re-inserted the circuit boards and stood up, he then
>consulted the control panel. The panel showed that the air
>is breatheable and the radiation level is about the same as Earth. He
MIKE: He stepped outside and began to glow.
>has never been to the planet Decanal before. He decides that it is
>safe to venture outside so he pulls a lever and two double doors
>behind start to open. After exiting he locks the doors and looks
>around him. The suns are shining, all three of them, and it appears to
>be a pleasant day by all accounts.
ALL: APPEARANCES CAN BE DECEIVING!
>
>On the other side of the planet, Jade is dying, she knows that she
>shouldn't have angered them but she needed her freedom, and now the
>only freedom she will have is her death.
TOM: Oh, God. Mike, how much angst are we gonna have to take here?
MIKE: Hey, at least it's not Colin Baker.
CROW: AHHHH! COLIN BAKER? WHERE?!
>The mists of darkness start
>to cloud her mind and she realises she has not got long. She is not
>going to let them win and with her last breath, she arms the
>Armageddon Machine.
MIKE: Za whole point of haffing an Armageddon Machine iz to tell
everybody!
>As death overcomes her she can hear a metallic
>voice saying, "You have failed we now control the machine." Jade now
>knows she has decided the universe's future, no one could stop them
>now.
CROW: So she decided to watch a little TV instead.
>
>Kal rushed into her street to find it had been destroyed completely,
>she cannot believe her eyes, how had this happened she had not heard
>an explosion, it wasn't possible. She had only gone out this morning.
TOM: And now here she was, trapped in this crummy fanfic.
>All around her there was just rubble, all the houses were gone and the
>people were nowhere to be found. In that moment Kal knew what had
>happened "That box did it!! That box did it" she started shouting and
TOM: It was Callahan! He did this to me!
>then she wept. She fell to the floor, all her strength suddenly
>disappearing, Kal couldn't understand why anybody would do such a
>thing and then one thought came into her mind.
MIKE: Well, that's one more than the writer had.
>She was going to
>destroy that box, it had killed her family, her friends and her
>neighbours. It could destroy her.
CROW: You should be so lucky.
>She started to find her strength
>again, she was going to destroy that box even if it destroyed her. She
>started to run, retracing the steps she had just taken.
MIKE: You know, suicide runs just don't make for good science fiction.
>
>
>
>The Doctor was not his usual exploring self, he was starting to feel
>his age for the first time, he had decided just to sit beneath a tree
>and enjoy the sunshine, he was thinking long thoughts about Gallifrey
TOM: and why not he thought him as good as another and yes I will
I said yes...
>when he saw a young girl running towards the T.A.R.D.I.S. with a big
>wooden branch.
MIKE: And shouting "GOD FOR HARRY! ENGLAND AND SAINT JOHN!"
>The girl then proceeded to hit the craft with the
>branch. The Doctor knew that this would cause no damage but it was his
>ship and he thought it odd that she would attack the T.A.R.D.I.S. for
>no good reason, so he stood up and casually walked over.
TOM: Hi. Do you attack phone booths around here often?
>
>"You won't damage it you know " he said quietly.
MIKE: Accept the word of...one-who-knows!
>Kal was surprised by the voice, she spun around to see a curly white
>haired man, he was tall and had a kind looking face, he was dressed in
>a long dark cloak, a white frilly shirt, a big black bow tie and long
>dark trousers.
TOM: Jeez, what a femme.
>He was approaching slowly but she didn't want him to
>stop her. She turned and waved the branch in front of her as a warning
>sign to keep him away.
CROW: Keep back, poufily-dressed man!
>
>"Why are you hitting my T.A.R.D.I.S. ?" The Doctor enquired.
MIKE: To keep the lions away.
TOM: There aren't any lions in this story.
MIKE: See? It works!
>
>
>Kal was on him in a flash, kicking, screaming and swinging the branch.
>The Doctor had not been expecting such a attack and was caught off
>guard.
CROW: And so, Kal went medeival on his ass.
>Although he knew she was no match for him, she had managed to
>knock him to the floor before he was able to recover.
TOM: Oh, yeah, healthy young women with clubs are _never_ a match
for an elderly Englishman...
>Although he
>didn't want to hurt her, he knew she was not going to give up. He
>managed to counter by throwing her over his head onto her back. He was
>up in a flash and grabbed the branch from her hand and threw it out of
>the way.
MIKE: The Doctor's a super-bad mutha, ya know.
>The girl rose, she knew she could not win and as the realisation hit
>her she felt light headed. The Doctor turned back to see the girl
>fall.
CROW: There was a sickening snap of blood and cartilage...
TOM: Time to go, fellas.
(7...6....5...4...3...2...1)
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Tick T "Watch me, Servo, watch me dance!"
CEO, Inspired Weirdness T - Crow
pmi...@fscvax.fsc.mass.edu T "Poor people are crazy, Jack; I'm
SPOON! T eccentric." - Howard Payne