MiSTed: "Barney -- FAQ"
Steve Brinich
get his newsreader software to cooperate.]
From misties...@jg.cso.uiuc.edu Sat Aug 13 23:05:19 1994
Date: Sat, 13 Aug 1994 22:47:12 -0400 (EDT)
From: KEN...@delphi.com
Subject: MiSTed: The Barney FAQ
To: mis...@jg.cso.uiuc.edu
Message-Id: <01HFVLEKQ...@delphi.com>
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Looks like this is how I'm going to post this thing, because my newsreader and
terminal refuse to speak to one another. Someone post this for me,
pleeeeeease...
And now, without further ado...
The Barney FAQ
Original Author: Barney (pa...@rosa.nbr.no)
MiSTer: Matthew Miller (ken...@delphi.com)
SOL BRIDGE. MIKE, TOM, CROW PRESENT.
MIKE: Oh, hello, and welcome to the Satellite of Love. I'm Mike Nelson, and
these (gesturing toward Tom and Crow) are my 'Bots, Tom Servo, Crow T.
Robot, and Gypsy... [LOOKS AROUND A BIT] Wait a minute. Where's Gypsy?
CROW: Oh, she's off somewhere, watching the TV.
MIKE: Really? What's she watching?
TOM: Oh, something called Barney...
MIKE: What? Barney, the Dinosaur??! [NEARLY PANICKING] We've got to save her
before it's Too Late! [COMMERCIAL-SIGN LIGHTED BUTTON BLINKS] Oh, we'll
have to do it during the commercials. We'll be right back.
INSERT COMMERCIAL PARODY HERE.
AGAIN, SOL BRIDGE. MIKE, TOM, CROW, GYPSY, A TV SET.
MIKE [HAS BEEN LECTURING FOR A LONG TIME]: You see, Gypsy, I don't want you to
get too emotionally-interested in this show...
CROW: Yeah, like it isn't enough you're always mooning over Richard Basehart!
GYPSY [HASN'T REALLY BEEN LISTENING, BUT NOW HER INTEREST IS PIQUED]: Richard
Basehart?
MIKE: Don't interrupt, Crow..um..I don't want you to watch that show too much,
because then you'd probably, um, want all the Barney merchandise, and we
can't really, uh, afford it all.
CROW: Or afford it *at* all.
MIKE: I said, don't interrupt... [MADS' CALL BUTTON FLASHES] Great, now Rusty
and Edie are calling. [PUSHES BUTTON]
DEEP 13. DR F AND FRANK.
FRANK: Rusty and who??!
DR F: Just ignore their little game, Frank... [TO MIKE] Your experiment today..
SOL.
MIKE: What about the invention exchange?
DEEP 13.
DR F: What invention exchange? Like I was saying, your experiment today has
Barney, the Dinosaur as both its author *and* its subject. It's the
Barney FAQ--served up by an apologist for the Barney cause. Share and
enjoy, Mike...Frank, send them the experiment!
FRANK DOES SO.
CUT TO SOL--SIRENS, LIGHTS FLASHING.
MIKE: Oh no, we've got apologist sign!
*...6...5...4...3...2...1
>Path: news.delphi.com!uunet!EU.net!sunic!trane.uninett.no!nac.no!nntp-oslo.uni
>nett.no!rosa.nbr.no!palek
>From: pa...@rosa.nbr.no (Barney)
CROW: As in "No, no, *please* don't post this article!"
MIKE: I think that .no might stand for where Palek is posting from.
TOM: Oooooh, international Barney fandom? I don't think so!
>Newsgroups: alt.tv.barney,alt.flame
>Subject: The Barney FAQ.
EVERYBODY TAKES A DEEP BREATH IN THROUGH CLENCHED TEETH, AS AT A
HORROR FILM.
>Followup-To: alt.tv.barney,alt.flame
>Date: 3 Aug 1994 21:41:34 GMT
>Organization: UniNett
MIKE: UniNett we stand, DiviNett we fall.
>Lines: 108
TOM: Well, at least it's short.
CROW: Ahem. "Design for Dreaming"?
TOM: Er, never mind.
>Message-ID: <31p2ue$r...@ratatosk.uninett.no>
>NNTP-Posting-Host: rosa.nbr.no
>X-Newsreader: TIN [version 1.2 PL2]
>Xref: news.delphi.com alt.tv.barney:858 alt.flame:108524
MIKE: What do these three things have in common?
TOM: Simple. The subscribers to the two newsgroups are banding together to
roast Barney and serve him to the Oracle!
MIKE: The Usenet Oracle?
TOM: No, the (ahem) Delphic Oracle.
>
>****************************************************************************
TOM: That must be ASCII-art of a centipede.
>
>
> THE BARNEY FAQ
>
>
>
> Written by Barney the dinosaur in 1994. pre-release.
>
>
> 0) Introduction.
MIKE: Palek, meet my rear end.
> 1) Who am I, and what do I do here?
> 2) Am I evil?
TOM: Like someone's going to take the word of some looney net.kook who won't
even use his real name??!
> 3) Why does people say that I am evil?
TOM: Good question. I mean, grammatical errors are annoying, but not *evil*.
> 4) What about politics?
> 5) What are my favorite hobbies?
> 6) If you had one wish come true, what would it be?
MIKE: To see Earth again?
CROW: To see Earth, period?
TOM: To send a small-but-efficient thermonuclear device hurtling toward .no,
wherever it is?
> 7) Why doesn't my knees bend?
CROW: ThE mAsTeR wOuLd nOt aPpRoVe oF cReAtUrEs wItH nO kNeEs.
>
>
>-
>
> 0) Introduction.
>
> Many false rumors have been spread on the internet about me, this FAQ was
> written to bring up the truth about my existence. As most of you know, I
> am a purple dinosaur and I am here to have fun and play with the kids.
CROW: Sounds like Michael Jackson to me.
TOM, MIKE: Hey...!
> The
> newsgroup alt.barney.dinosaur.die.die.die has spread this rumors together
> with this Jihad of theirs. Here in this FAQ lies the truth about me.
TOM [GOOFY VOICE]: I'm a bondage fiend.
MIKE: No more FurryMUCK for you, pal.
TOM: Awwwww! I was only having fun!
CROW: That wasn't a pun, it was a witticism.
>
>-
>
> 1) Who am I, and how did I get here?
>
> As I said I am a purple dinosaur. You might find that odd, but we were
> purple dinosaurs back in the very old days. Scientists today doesn't
> really know which color we had, but I can tell you, there were green, gray,
> black, purple, pink and yellow dinosaurs.
CROW: I guess we'll have to take his word for it.
TOM: Yep, pretty much.
>
> Our spices were doomed.
MIKE: We'd dropped the bottles on the floor and they broke open. Yuck.
> There was a big comet coming and we figured it
> would change the earth temperature so dramatically that we wouldn't
> survive.
TOM: Well, that explains it. Barney is from Jupiter.
> A group of scientist dinosaurs developed this time machine
CROW: Yeah, right. "The first really *real* time machine..."
> that
> moved me and my friends to the time of now.
MIKE: What does the National Organization for Women have to do with this?
>
> I ended up in Disneyland (tm). Wandering around, with nothing to do. The
> kids left me alone while I was there,
TOM: Ah, kids were *smart* back then.
> in the streets they would stare at
> me. One day I got to talk to a film producer, he helped me into making my
> own TV shows which I am playing in now.
>
>-
>
> 2) Am I evil?
>
> Most definitely no. I am not evil. Many people on the net have said so, but
> they are all lying.
TOM: Look closely, and you'll realize he's saying that the liars are the ones
who claim that he's *not* evil.
> The best way to check this out is to watch my shows. I
> and the kids are having so much fun.
CROW: Ahem, ahem. [WHISTLES INNOCENTLY]
>
>-
>
> 3) Why does people say that I am evil?
>
> Some people are afraid that other people might get popular, or they dislike
> that other people are popular.
TOM: Not when those other people are dressing up in goofy costumes and talking
really weird!
> What then happens is that they set out this
> rumor. Like in the presidency campaign, or with Michael Jackson, everything
> to crush one's popularity.
>
>-
>
> 4) What about politics?
>
> I am not much of an politican, and as long as everyone is nice and good to
> each other I am not bothered. I leave politics to those who work with that.
> I just want everyone to be happy and to sing happy songs.
MIKE: This is a song about a cvte pvrple dinosavr...no, this is a song about
being happy!
> Yet, I think that
> you mammals should get better at taking care of our nature. There is too
> much pollution in the world. If people doesn't stop to destroy the
> environment,
CROW: Sheesh, I don't know if I have enough time to stop what I'm doing and
destroy the environment!
> they will be victims of the same fate as we did.
>
>-
>
> 5) What are my favorite hobbies?
>
> I like drawing very much. I also like just playing with kids. They are much
> less demanding as adults.
TOM: But kids *aren't* adults.
MIKE: Perhaps he means, "less demanding *than* adults.
TOM: If he meant that, why didn't he say that?
CROW: Because he's being mind-controlled by Stephen Ratliff?
TOM [JUMPS SLIGHTLY]: Aaaah! Don't even mention his name!
>
>-
>
> 6) If you had one wish come true, what would it be?
>
> Peace.
MIKE: What about love and happiness?
> Most definitely.
CROW: Definitely peace, definitely, definitely peace. I'm an excellent driver.
> If we had peace on this planet the starvation
> problem would have been solved. If everyone started to accept each other
> then nothing bad would have happened. It doesn't matter if one is black,
> white, yellow, red or purple, all people are equal.
MIKE: But some are more equal than others!
>
>-
>
> 7) Why doesn't my knees bend?
TOM: Because you're the anti-Torgo?
CROW: Sorry, Tom, but I already covered that.
>
> Some things it's strange,
MIKE: but I actually meant to say "Some thinks," no, "Some think" there.
TOM: Jeez, two grammatical errors in one.
CROW: This Palek guy really *is* being mind-controlled by Stephen Ratliff!
TOM: Nah, these are just grammar errors *in moderation*.
> but they doesn't bend.
TOM: They *don't* bend, they *don't* bend!...I'm starting to change my mind.
> The reason is that I have
> always jumped around, like I do. I love it and it is much more fun. I don't
> have to bend my knees so I don't do it.
CROW: Nike--Just Don't Do It.
>
>
>****************************************************************************
TOM: And, *another* delightful ASCII-art of a centipede!
>
>
>
TOM: That's the last question. Let's roll.
MIKE: Hey, this silence is the best part.
>--
>-Barney.
TOM: Okay, *now*?
MIKE: Yeah, let's go.
1...2...3...4...5...6...*
MIKE: Well, how was it?
TOM: Come on, you were there. You *know* how utterly unconvincing this Palek
guy's arguments are!
CROW: Oh, yeah! I'd hate to try to argue a point with this guy. It'd probably
end up like, "Yes it is," "No it isn't," "Yes it is," "No it isn't"...
MIKE: Okay, we've survived *this* piece of electronic poopie. [LOOKS AROUND]
Say, where's Gypsy?
GYPSY [SINGING, OFF-SCREEN]: Go, go, Power Rangers!
MIKE: Oh, no!...What do you think, sirs?
DEEP 13.
DR F: I think we should remember to send you "Washington Capers" some time.
Push the button, Frank...
FWOOOOSH!
|
\ | /
\|/
---o---
/|\
/ | \
|
ORIGINAL AUTHOR: `Barney' (pa...@rosa.nbr.no)
MISTER: Matthew Miller (ken...@delphi.com)
WHY THIS MISTING IS SO BAD: Because it's my first attempt.
LEGAL STUFF: Mystery Science Theater 3000 and all its
characters and other properties associated
with Mystery Science Theater 3000 are
Copyright 1994 Best Brains, Inc. Used
without permission.
This article may be distributed in any
fashion as long as it is not edited or cut
in any way, and not sold for profit.
INFO CLUB POOBAH: julie walker
NOT REALLY AS BAD AS SOME SAY: FurryMUCK
MISTIES' MAILING LIST REQUEST: misties...@jg.cso.uiuc.edu
NOT AN MST3K CREW MEMBER: Kathryn Page
--
Steve Brinich | If the government wants us to respect the law, |
<ste...@access.digex.net> | it should set a better example. |
PGPrint (finger for key) 89 B9 92 BB E6 7F 7B 2F 64 FD F2 EA 14 37 4C 65