[ MiSTed ] Sonic the Hedgehog: Jaded Views ( 1 / 4 )

[Joseph Nebus]

[ OPENING CREDITS ]

[ 1.. 2.. 3.. 4.. 5.. 6.. ]

[ SOL DESK. TOM, holding a script, in both hands, is behind the desk. ]

MAGIC VOICE: The following is an editorial comment from Thomas J.
Servo. The views expressed do not necessarily represent
those of the Satellite of Love or its inhabitants.

TOM: Yes, but they *should.* I speak today to debunk deliberately
false statements a leading member of the entertainment industry
has made to the public for years. In his delightfully offbeat
animated series "The Simpsons," Matt Groening has advanced the
theory Famous Studios and Harvey Comics star Casper (the
friendly ghost) is the ghost of Richie Rich (the poor little
rich boy). Despite repeated letters to Mister Groening and
20th Century Fox, no retraction has been forthcoming.

I call upon the viewing audience to review the evidence. It is
a logical impossibility for Casper to be Richie Rich's ghost.
Indeed, they *met* one another many times, enough to earn a
crossover bi-monthly comic book!

[ JOEL leans in, holding up a comic book. Richie Rich and Casper are
riding a giant dollar bill as if it were a flying carpet;
Richie Rich asks, "Is this *really* happening, Casper?" The
cover caption reads, "Yes, Richie, IT IS! And it's only the
START of 'A TOUCH OF MAGIC.'" JOEL leans back out. ]

TOM: Some would dismiss this by explaining Casper was the future ghost
of Richie Rich cast back into time and visiting his youthful
self. This theory cannot withstand review of the record, such
as "Richie Rich and Casper" comic book number 37, "Cashper the
Rich Little Ghost" --

[ JOEL leans in, holding up the comic book. Richie Rich is marveling at
Casper, who has dollar bills coming out of his snap. "Gosh,
Casper, you're richer than *I* am!" The cover caption reads,
"For the first time -- meet CASH-PER, the FRIENDLY GHOST!"
JOEL leans out. ]

TOM: In which Wendy (the good little witch)'s mischievous aunts
transfer Richie's allowance for one week to Casper, and cast
Richie Rich off to their world as a pauper. In this story,
"Cashper" demonstrates his complete ineptitude at handling
money. However, natural expertise with money is essential to
the Rich character -- I cite as evidence "Richie Rich Gems,"
number 34 --

[ JOEL leans in, holding up the comic book. Richie Rich is on the phone
by a broken Gem Dam No. 18, which is broken and leaking jewels.
Richie says, "Come Quick, Dad... It's a GEM-ergency!" JOEL
leans out. ]

TOM: Which includes the story, "The Tycoons," in which Richie and his
friends Freckles, Pee-Wee and Googie, play at being executives,
unaware their orders are being carried out as if from Rich,
Senior's office. In eight hours they earn a billion dollars.
Richie's uncanny ability to attract and increase money is so
established that no time-travelling theory explains the Richie
Rich and Casper canon. Richie Rich and Casper are obviously
separate characters.

I call upon mister Groening. Stop lying to the people. The
weight of history is against you. Thank you.

[ TOM hovers off-stage; CROW enters from the other side. ]

MAGIC VOICE: The Satellite of Love now presents an editorial reply.

CROW: Thank you, hello, and... hello. Ahem. Tom is a booger.
Good day.

[ JOEL leans in, showing a picture of TOM. ]

TOM: [ Interrupting CROW, from off-stage ] I AM NOT! YOU LITTLE
YELLOW CREEP! [ Continues ranting about CROW in this vein
until the commercials. ]

MAGIC VOICE: Commercial sign in 5 seconds. The Satellite of Love gladly
accepts editorials from responsible members of the community,
but does not expect any. Commercial sign now.

[ COMMERCIAL SIGN flashes ]

JOEL: We'll be right back.

[ JOEL taps the flashing COMMERCIAL SIGN. ]

[ COMMERCIALS ]

[ SOL DESK. JOEL is holding a newspaper; TOM, CROW and GYPSY are behind
the desk, which is covered in cheap trinkets. ]

JOEL: And for each thirty-five cent copy of Grit you sell, you keep .
twelve cents -- you can earn your own spending money every week!
CROW: Nowadays you earn prizes, too -- more than one hundred to choose
from. The more papers you deliver, the neater the prizes.
GYPSY: *Girls* sell Grit too.

[ MADS SIGN flashes ]

TOM: Cousin Reggie and Hot Stuff are calling.

[ JOEL taps MADS SIGN. ]

[ DEEP 13. DR. FORRESTER holds a small box with a wire trailing from
it. TV's FRANK is in the background, standing in front of a
picture of a cow. A large, square block of white foam, cut
open to reaveal molding in the shape of TV's FRANK is there.
A small bag of fake snow is on the ground. ]

DR. F: You want me to call you Professor Keenbean. It's not going
to happen. [ He shakes his head, somberly. ]

DR. F: Our invention this week addresses one of the unfair things in
life. During the summer, the inside of your car soaks up all
the sun and you boil when you go in. Yet during winter, there
isn't enough heat to keep the car from freezing.

[ DR. FORRESTER steps back to TV'S FRANK, and takes a handful
of fake snow. ]

FRANK: So what we've invented is the automobile thermos bottle. I'm
here simulating a 1989 Chevrolet Celebrity sitting in a mall
parking lot near Leon, Wisconsin. [ DR. FORRESTER throws the
snow over him, and grabs another handful. ] It's early May,
and I'm just plain chilly.

DR. F: Now we just snap our car into the functional and lightweight
bottle and....

[ TV'S FRANK steps inside the foam; DR. FORRESTER closes it up.
DR. FORRESTER takes another handful of fake snow and throws
it at the box. ]

DR. F: How's that, Frank?

[ Several beats pass in silence ]

DR. F: Yup, nice and steady temperatures all year round.

[ DR. FORRESTER throws another handful of fake snow at the box. ]

DR. F: Over to you, Jackie Jokers.

[ SOL DESK. JOEL is holding an oversized marker; by TOM and CROW is set
up an easel, which has two columns of pictures. On the left,
drawings of feet, a car, a cat, and a box labeled 'ice cream.'
On the right, a refrigerator, a paper bag, a pair of socks and
a garage. ]

JOEL: If you're like me, and I know you are, you recall Bill Cosby's
whimsical yet educational series of "Picture Pages." Who
among us would not like to return to the days of waking up with
The Cos and his musical pen, solving entertaining puzzles?

TOM: We can't spend all our mornings with Bill Cosby, but we can
find our own puzzles and use our invention this week, our own
musical pen.

CROW: [ Looking over the puzzle ] OK, I know cars go in a garage, so
draw a line from the car to the garage.

[ JOEL draws, from the car to the garage, while that generic musical
sequence plays. ]

JOEL: Of course, we're never content to just recreate the old. We've
added the power of modern music synthesizers to allow us to
switch the musical pen to reggae ...

[ JOEL flips a switch and draws a line, from the feet to the freezer,
while the same sequence with a reggae beat plays ]

TOM: *Or* rockabilly.

[ JOEL flips the switch again, and draws a line from the box of ice
cream to the cat. This time the music has a Chuck Berry feel. ]

CROW: And, of course, pipe organs.

[ JOEL flips the switch again, and draws a line from the paper bag to
the feet. The music is an ominous dirge. ]

JOEL: What do you think, sirs?

[ DEEP 13. DR. FORRESTER is circling the box, sealing it with
packaging tape. ]

DR. F: I think you're gonna regret waking up today. Get this. You're
back on the Sonic the Hedgehog beat. We've got a little spray
of random neurons called "Jaded Views," a delightful tale of
nothing in particular. Read it and weep, Poppa Panda.

[ SOL DESK. TOM, JOEL, and CROW are singing and bouncing around. ]

ALL: Picture pages, picture pages, time to get your picture pages!
Time to get your crayons and your --

[ MOVIE SIGN flashes ]

ALL: MOVIE SIGN!

[ General panic. They leave for the theater. ]

[ 6.. 5.. 4.. 3.. 2.. 1.. ]

[ ALL file in. ]

> This work is written

TOM: I think that claim's unduly optimistic.

> by Thaddeus Boyd and Stephen Tramer,

CROW: Screenplay by Mark Evanier.
JOEL: From a story outline by Ron Goulart and Brian Daley.
TOM: Based on a sneeze by Harlan Ellison.

> and
> is their sole property. If you wish to copy this,

JOEL: Try stuffing your computer in a mimeograph machine.

> fine, but if you
> use it to make a quick buck for yourself,

CROW: You should've cloned deer instead.

> we will hunt you down and
> kill you (either that, or prosecute you to the maximum extent of the
> law).

TOM: You think there's a huge body of law dedicated to protecting
Sonic the Hedgehog fanfic characters?

>
> The following work is purely fictitious

CROW: In fact, none of us are even here.

> (and if you didn't
> figure that out for yourself, you should consult a psychiatrist),
> except for the fact that a few characters herein are comparable to

JOEL: Jujubees.

> some real people we know.
>
> We'd like to thank anyone and everyone who has ever written a
> Sonic the Hedgehog story,

TOM: What a neat coincidence. We want to plead for mercy from all
those same writers.

> because I draw many ideas from these.
> We'd also like to thank the programmers at Square Soft who created
> Final Fantasy 3, since We've made a few jokes in this story about

CROW: ... how we can't figure out how many people we are.

> that game.
>
> Should anything come up in this story that conflicts with any
> other Sonic stories

TOM: We won't be surprised.

> -- past, present, or future -- just say that
> this is an alternate reality and that the events here occurred
> differently for some reason.

JOEL: All righty.
ALL: This is an alternate reality and that the events here have
occurred differently for some reason.

>
> All characters herein are created by Service and Games (SEGA),

CROW: Writing out "Service and Games." The true mark of the
hardcore fanboy.

> and by Archie Comics, with the following exceptions
> (alphabetically):
>

JOEL: We surveyed 100 people about the exceptions for this story,
top five answers are on the board... Crow?
CROW: I'm gonna say "Superman."
JOEL: Show me... Superman!

> Amaroq Kapugen - Jesse Rhodes
>

JOEL: [ Buzzing ] One strike! Next name?
CROW: Andy Richter.
JOEL: Andy Richter, is he on the board?

> ANT 100 - Anthony Testa
>

JOEL: [ Buzzing ] Two strikes, you have one left.
CROW: Oh, man, oh, man, I'm gonna have to get this... uhh... Bookshire?
TOM: Good answer, good answer!
JOEL: Show me... Bookshire!

> Bookshire Draftwood - David Pistone
>

JOEL: Ding ding ding ding ding! You're up by 25 points... next?
CROW: I'm gonna go with Space Ghost and Dino Boy.
JOEL: Show me... Space Ghost with Dino Boy!

> Hedgehog X - Brent Roberts

JOEL: [ Buzzing ] Sorry, that's your third strike, we have to go to
the other side. Tom, this is your chance to steal it away
if you can find one character that's on the board.
TOM: This is tough, this is tough, I'm gonna go with... gotta be
one of the authors.
CROW: Ooh. Good one.
JOEL: Show me... Thaddeus Boyd or Stephen Tramer!

>
> Jade - Thad Boyd
> & Stephen Tramer

JOEL: Ding ding ding ding!
TOM: [ Jumping up and down ] I won! I won!
CROW: You got lucky!

>

JOEL: OK, second round, top eight answers are on the board, Crow, you
get this one.
CROW: OK, I'm gonna say Bud Collyer.
JOEL: Bud Collyer, are you up there?

> Kabuki Ninomiya - Jill Quindiagan
>

JOEL: [ Buzzing ] That's your first strike of the second round.
CROW: That's it, I'm gonna pass.
JOEL: You sure?
CROW: Yup. Over to you, Tom.
TOM: Ooh, OK. I'm going with Tom and Jerry.
JOEL: Tom and Jerry, good answer, is it up there?

> Kate Chaos - Stefanie Londo
>

JOEL: [ Buzzing ] One strike against you. No pressure, now.
TOM: Woody Woodpecker.
JOEL: Oh, Woody?

> Maxl - Stephen Tramer
>

JOEL: [ Buzzing ] Two strikes. A little pressure now. If you get
a third strike, Crow could steal it from you.
TOM: I'm not worried about that, it's just the loss of face I mind.
JOEL: So who're you going with?
TOM: Uhm... I don't know... Uh...
JOEL: We need an answer.
TOM: I, uh... I want...

> Mega Man X - Capcom games

TOM: [ Quickly ] Betty Boop!
JOEL: [ Buzzing ] I'm sorry, you weren't in time, and now Crow,
you have the chance to steal.
CROW: Ooh, uh, I'm gonna go with Mega Man.
JOEL: That's already up on the board.
CROW: Yeah, but I got a good feeling about it.
JOEL: Mega Man, you in there?

>
> Mega Man X3 - Glen Swift
>

JOEL: Judges? ... ding ding ding ding!
CROW: Yeah!
JOEL: You win the second round, we're now tied, this will decide the
winner. Top three answers on the board, Tom, you have
control.
TOM: You know, we haven't seen everybody's fave ineffective
schmuckleball fanfic star yet. I bet Packbell's in it.
CROW: Good answer, good answer.
JOEL: Show me... Packbell!

> Packbell - David Pistone
>
TOM: Yes!
JOEL: Forty points for you, now, can you get either of the remaining
characters?
TOM: How many times have our illustrious authors put themselves in
already?
CROW: Three times, on two characters.
TOM: This is fishing, but I think there's another of the authors
left in this one.
JOEL: Let's see Boyd or Tramer...

> Tracker - Stephen Tramer
>

TOM: Woo-hoo!
JOEL: You've got 65 points, Tom, now, can you bring it home? Can you
win this last one?
TOM: Aw, man, it all comes down to this, doesn't it? Uh... let's see.
Got Bookshire, got the authors over and over, got Packbell...
JOEL: Five seconds, Tom.
TOM: Any of the Rugrats!
JOEL: Thomas J. Servo, you will win this game if one of the Rugrats
comes out to play... show me Rugrats!

> Zero - Capcom

JOEL: [ Buzzing ] Aw, I'm sorry, you do not carry the day.
TOM: I feel so inferior.
CROW: Did any of us win?
JOEL: We've still got the story to read.

>
> Chapter 1 Access Denied

JOEL: Or maybe not.
TOM: Sure looks like we can give up now.

>
> Can't probe target.

CROW: It's too buttery.

> The disheartening words flashed across
> Nicole's screen.
>
> "Shoot," Kate said,

JOEL: Bang.

> running a hand through her long, brown
> hair.

CROW: Genie?

> "Even with both of us hooked up to Nicole, Kabuki is still
> immune to our scanning."

TOM: That's what we get for not knowing how to do stuff.

>
> "I know, Sis," Hedgehog X replied. "Of course, keep in mind
> that we're new to this telepathy thing."
>
> "Yeah," the fifteen-year-old human girl replied,

TOM: Fift... if that's Marrissa I'm gonna vomit.

> "but you'd
> think that at least maybe two of the most powerful entities on the
> planet would be able to do something!"

JOEL: Two of the most powerful entities on the planet.
Can you tell we're in a fanfic?

>
> "Don't get down on yuhself, Sugah," Bunnie said to Kate.

CROW: Just kiss me.

> "Remember, ah friend here," and with this, she pointed at the
> unconscious Siamese cat with probes on her head,

TOM: I think Bunnie knocked her out with her accent.

> "has had a pretty
> mysterious past."

JOEL: I mention this because you've surely forgotten, and not
just because the readers only now got here.

>
> "Please," HX said, "don't talk about mysterious pasts around
> me...

CROW: I have no history, and I'm mighty jealous.

> I might start puking."
>
> Hedgehog X wasn't exaggerating much. His past had been a major
> pain.

JOEL: You can just feel the tragedy.

> After the Life Jades had been stolen from the village of
> Bluebrook by Robotnik, a new Gem Child was needed to take the place
> of Willind, now called Packbell, who had been the Child of the Jades
> of Life.

TOM: Sentences like that are what happens when you just run together
titles of fantasy novels.

>
> Without the Jades, creating a new life-form wasn't easy for
> the other Power Gems,

CROW: *And* the Power Holograms..

> so the new life-form, who was meant to be a
> clone of Mobius's champion,

TOM: What, they needed more obnoxious twits whose personalities are
defined by eating chili dogs?

> Sonic the Hedgehog, came out wrong.

JOEL: It turns out instead of super-speed, the Sonic clone had
super-spelling abilities.

> He
> was perpetually eleven years old (the age Sonic had been when he was
> cloned),

CROW: So he's perpetually on the verge of being beaten up in
middle school.

> as well as being purple and not having Sonic's speed.

TOM: But other than creating another powerless pre-teen load it was
a *roaring* success.

>
> For these reasons,

JOEL: And other reasons that have been changed to protect the innocent.

> Xavier -- the name given to the new Child
> of the Super Emeralds

CROW: Because they were out of good names that week.

> -- was banished and told to stay away from the
> Knothole Freedom Fighters.

TOM: With nowhere else to turn, he went to the home of his childhood
friend Oscar Madison.

> However, after he pulled them out of a
> few scrapes, and was forced to reveal his true identity,

JOEL: Xavier is Clark Kent!

> the
> Emeralds cured his speed problem

CROW: Careful, that's what made Robin Williams stop being funny.

> and let him join with the Knothole
> crowd.

TOM: They let him sit at the "in" table in the cafeteria and then at
the table next to them at the pizza place.

>
> To make matters worse, Xavier -- better known as Hedgehog X --

JOEL: Unbeknownst to Speed Racer, Hedgehog X is secretly
his older brother Rex.

> had the mind of two beings.

CROW: Or the being of two minds.
TOM: The man with two brains!

> He had once been sent to an odd
> alternate version of Mobius, a planet called Terra (known to some as
> Earth),

CROW: Known to still others as "snoogie wuggles."

> where his mind was mixed with that of a sentient -- albeit
> deceased -- robot named Zero.

JOEL: Our hero!

> With Zero's mind came the ability to
> become a cyborg -- to be robotic and yet keep his free will

TOM: Which really comes in handy when he needs to watch bad movies.

> -- a
> design which Uncle Chuck would no doubt follow, once the war was
> over.

JOEL: [ Ominously ] No doubt. If he knows what's good for him.
Mwuh-huh-huh-huh-hah-hah-hah!

>
> "Let's get back to the task at hand, shall we?"

CROW: I'm tired of waiting out the chunks of exposition.

> asked Mega Man
> X (more commonly known as just "X"), a sentient robot from Earth who
> was best friends with Hedgehog X.

TOM: In the criminal justice system the people are represented
by two separate yet equally important dudes named X.


> "Bookshire, Rotor, how long do you
> think it'll take to work this out?"
>
> "Could be hours," the aging raccoon replied.

CROW: Wait, no, I'm done.

> "We could use
> some help from any of you who know electronics."

JOEL: On second thought, maybe it'd be more efficient to just poke
sticks at this stuff until it works again.

>
> "That'd be me," said X and HX at the same time.
>
> "Me too," Bunnie spoke up. "Ah'm kahnda partial to 'em, if
> y'all know what Ah mean."

TOM: Ah lahk nuthin bettah than a chicken-fried 20 microFarad
capacituh.

>
> Sally agreed to help, too, along with a few others.

CROW: [ Whiny voice ] Does this thing work on AC or PM?
TOM: [ Also whiny ] I don't wanna solder stuff, it smells sick.
JOEL: [ As above ] Are we the X's or the O's?

>
> "Uh, 'scuse me," a voice said, "but don't you think we should
> search Kabook's room for any clues?"

CROW: Considering none of us knows who Kabook is or why we should
care, I'd say no.

>
> Everyone in the room looked at Sonic the Hedgehog,

TOM: Ah, yes, the nominal star of our show, ladies and gentlemen.

> the one who
> had spoken, stared for a few seconds, and simultaneously hit
> themselves in the heads in a "why didn't I think of that?" sort of
> way.

JOEL: Knothole village observes a moment of D'oh.
ALL: [ Joel slapping his head ] D'oh!

>
> Chapter 2 The Letter

CROW: The inside story of "R".

>
> "Kabuki's room is ze peegsty!" came a voice from somewhere
> under all the junk.

BOTS: [ Snickering ]
JOEL: Yes, folks, that's really French.

>
> "Tell me about it, Ant," Sonic muttered.
>

CROW: OK, Uncle.

> "Why do I have to do this?" came a third voice.

TOM: Because we don't like you.
>
> "To find out what's wrong with Kabuki, Rack," Sonic replied to
> the unmistakable voice.

JOEL: She's actually a character from another show, is the problem.

>
> "Not 'Rack'," the voice replied testily,

CROW: Rack and *pinion*.

> "Amaroq.

JOEL: And Ahm a hard place.

> Am-uh-rack
> Ka-pyu-jin. Amaroq Kapugen,

TOM: I repeat that after carefully enunciating it for all those who
missed it the first two times.

> meaning 'the great black wolf'."

CROW: That's such an inspring name. I'm going to change my name to
"Quro T. Rowbot," meaning, "the cute yellow robot."

>
> "Whatever you say, Rack," Sonic replied.
>
> The black wolf growled angrily.

TOM: So, his parents looked at him, noticed the was a black wolf,
and decided to name him "Black Wolf." Got it.

> "Why should we be helping that
> cat, anyway?"

JOEL: The most incredible leader of the pack?
CROW: He's the chief, he's the pip, he's the championship.

>
> "Any enemy of yours has to be a friend of mine, mon," Knuckles

TOM: Oh, this just in. Knuckles is also in this story.

> growled from somewhere in the pile. Amaroq had a really weird sense
> of humor

CROW: His elaborate "festival of grasshoppers" left audiences confused
for weeks.

> and often insulted his team-members, which made him
> unpopular with most of the Freedom Fighters.

JOEL: A Freedom Fighter with annoying personality traits?
How did he slip through the cracks?

> "You are a
> total...hey!"

CROW: A hey? Quit horsing around!

>
> "A total hey?" Tails wondered.

TOM: I've just been handed a bulletin. Tails is in this fanfic too.

>
> "Whuzzap?" Sonic asked. "Find something?"
>
> "A letter of some sort," the echidna replied. "Yecch...it's
> all greasy."

CROW: That's what happens when you recycle hair gel into wood pulp.

>
> "What does it say?" Sonic demanded.
>
> "The handwriting's awful, Sonic," Knuckles observed, "but I
> think I can make out what it says:

JOEL: Or I can make something up that's just as good.

>
> Deer Cabookee,
>
> I want you for my bryd. i'm comInG 4 u.

TOM: Oh, great, the story's being invaded by IRCers.

> Uh-oh! It'z 4 in the
> Afternon! I don't kno what that meanz,

CROW: Except that I'll probably have to eat at a
'Breakfast served anytime' sort of place.

> but I guess I'yd better stop
> writhing this letter!

TOM: How does he read the letter aloud so you can hear the
misspelled words?

>
> -The WaNDring SyKKo

JOEL: The leader of the evil Renegade Go-Bots is after Kabuki?

>
> "Either that, or something about rabbits and mosquitoes in the
> cheese."

CROW: This passage included because mosquitoes and cheese are
hilarious words.

>
> "Who's this...wandering...what's-his-name?" Tails asked.
>
> "You born on a farm, son?" Amaroq asked.

TOM: Or just raised in a barn?

>
> "I'm not your son," Tails replied,

JOEL: That's the plot twist for the *next* story.

> "and please answer my
> question."

CROW: African or European?

>
> "Uhhhh...I don't know either," Amaroq replied.

TOM: Aaaaaand he gets green slimed.

> "I just felt
> like saying that."

JOEL: Hey, Amaroq, if you're not going to advance the plot any,
could you at least have an annoying accent so we know
we can ignore you?

>
> "Hey," said Sonic, who was now standing behind Knuckles and
> reading over his shoulder,

CROW: Sonic gets to be the leader 'cause he teleports from place
to place.

> "what are those things taped to the
> letter?"
>
> "Hmmmm," the echidna said, "they appear to be tickets to see
> an opera."

TOM: The opera.
CROW: Just because they're trapped in a desperate struggle for survival
against a crushing worldwide war machine doesn't mean they can't
maintain a very active theater community.

>
> "Ze opera?"

JOEL: Mr. Gottlieb, Mrs. Claypool. Mrs. Claypool, Mr. Gottlieb.
Mr. Gottlieb, Mrs. -- I could go on like this all night,
but it's tough on my suspenders.

> Antoine asked, clapping his hands. "Magnifique!"
>
> "Since when have there been operas on Mobius?" Tails inquired.
>
> "Before you were born, mon," Knuckles replied.

TOM: So that's, like, what, two years?

> "Before that
> ol' Robuttnik took over. The one decent thing he ever did was ban
> them."

CROW: So the great form of civil disobedience on Mobius is the opera?

>
> "Not too great, eh?" asked Tails, rhetorically.
>
> "You got it," said Amaroq.

TOM: Oh, we gotta go, guys.
JOEL: [ Picking up TOM ] Good for us.

[ 1.. 2.. 3.. 4.. 5.. 6.. ]

[ SOL DESK. JOEL is lying over the desk, holding a note in his hands.
JOEL looks up for a moment to say 'Dum-Dum!'
GYPSY and CROW enter. ]

GYPSY: [ To CROW ] So the phone company said since the problem was the
dead jacks were really just a separate number fixing them wasn't
covered in the monthly line repair premium I --
[ Discovering JOEL ] -- Oh, my!
TOM: Call the police!

[ GYPSY, CROW, JOEL hide under the desk. JOEL, holding the note,
and CROW, with a sherrif's star on his mask come up.
JOEL does another 'Dum-Dum!' ]

JOEL: [ Reading, showing letter to CROW ] Wandering Psycho. Guy can't
even spell psycho.
CROW: [ In his best Jerry Orbach voice ] Yeah, whatever happened to
literacy tests for criminals?
JOEL: We'll see what the crime lab makes of this.

[ JOEL puts the paper on the desk; he and CROW look to the side,
and GYPSY pops up. Joel makes the 'Dum-dum!' again. ]

GYPSY: There aren't any good prints, but we matched paint residues
to the types sold to cartoon studios.
JOEL: So we're dealing with an animated cartoon.
GYPSY: Of recent vintage, based on the samples.
CROW: Too bad. I always wanted to bring Dinky Doodle to justice.

[ GYPSY ducks under the desk, JOEL and CROW turn away from her,
TOM pops up. JOEL goes 'Dum-Dum!' again. ]

CROW: Mister Hedgehog! Could we talk with you?
TOM: My dad's Mister Hedgehog. I'm Sonic. Look, I don't know nothing
about this Wandering Psycho.
JOEL: How'd you know we were interested in the Wandering Psycho?
TOM: It's all over the street, man! I've got a brain.
CROW: Yeah, you got a brain. You got anything useful?
TOM: [ After a pause ] Kate Chaos. She's all you need.

[ TOM ducks down, JOEL and CROW look over, GYPSY pops up. ]

JOEL: Miss Chaos? Kate Chaos? [ Flashing his hand ]
NYPD, we'd like to talk about --
GYPSY: YOU CAN'T MAKE ME TALK!
CROW: Miss Chaos, please, we just need to know --
GYPSY: [ Breaking down, sobbing ] All right, all right, I've been
jealous of Kabuki for years and when I saw the chance I had
to go for it... she had everything, I had nothing... I was
just taking my fair share... just what's coming to me...
JOEL: Miss Chaos, you have the right to remain silent...

[ ALL duck under the table for a moment. GYPSY, CROW (with the star
removed), JOEL and TOM stand up. JOEL quickly tosses a folded
paper on the desk. JOEL goes 'Dum-dum!' ]

JOEL: And that's our final offer.
CROW: [ Normal voice ] Aggressive noodginess in the third? Forget it.
JOEL: You take us to trial, we push for the max jail time.
CROW: Fine. Over there's our motion to suppress the confession.
TOM: Why aren't I surprised?

[ JOEL tucks the paper down; GYPSY and TOM duck down; JOEL says
'Dum-dum!' ]

JOEL: Your honor, there's no reason to throw out her confession.
CROW: She wasn't Mirandized, it cannot stand.
JOEL: She wasn't even a suspect when she confessed!
MAGIC VOICE: I have to side with the defense. Confession is out.
JOEL: Your honor --
MAGIC VOICE: Out.

[ CROW and JOEL duck down, then come back up, this time with CROW's
sherrif star back on. JOEL goes 'Dum-dum!' ]

CROW: [ With Jerry Orbach voice again ] Anyway, we had pulled the LUDs
on her phone but they didn't come until today --
JOEL: Tell me something I want to hear.
CROW: Twenty-eight calls in two days from Kate Chaos to Kabuki
Ninomiya. But here's the interesting thing. Five minutes
before every one of them, she called Amaroq Kapugen.
JOEL: Find him. Bring him in.

[ TOM pops up. JOEL goes 'Dum-dum!' ]

CROW: How many times do we have to ask you, Mister Kapugen?
JOEL: You can stay silent. We've got enough to convict you.
Conspiracy to aggravated noodging. Just as much jail time
in this state. *OR*, you can cooperate, and we cut a deal.
TOM: What are you looking for anyway?
JOEL: A name. Something to go on.
TOM: [ After sulking ] George DiCenzo.
CROW: George DiCenzo. That the truth?
TOM: So help me.

[ JOEL, TOM, CROW duck under the table. CROW (without the sherrif's
star), JOEL and TOM come up. JOEL goes 'Dum-dum!' ]

CROW: I told you you didn't want my client.
JOEL: But she gives us DiCenzo --
TOM: Who was in "Back to the Future" with Christopher Lloyd --
JOEL: Who gives us Bob Hoskins by way of "Who Framed Roger Rabbit" --
TOM: Getting us to "Balto" and --
CROW: You get Kevin Bacon. *We* get a suspended sentence.
JOEL: Deal.

[ GYPSY pops up; JOEL and TOM turn to the camera. JOEL goes
'Dum-dum!' again. ]

MAGIC VOICE: Does the defendent understand the terms of her plea?
GYPSY: I do, your honor.
MAGIC VOICE: Then your plea bargain is approved. We're recessed.

[ GYPSY and CROW duck under. COMMERCIAL SIGN begins flashing;
JOEL goes 'Dum-dum!' again. ]

TOM: So you figure justice is fully served?
JOEL: Not quite, but we're a good bit closer than we were this morning.
TOM: What if the jury won't convict Bacon?
JOEL: If we can't take that risk now and then, why are we here?
TOM: [ Thoughtfully ] Hm.
JOEL: [ To camera ] We'll be right back.

[ JOEL taps commercial sign. ]

[ COMMERCIAL BREAK ]