MSTied: "Breaking into Print" junkmail
Dave Van Domelen
printouts. Red ink is everywhere.]
Mike: Hey, Crow...what's with the paper trail?
Crow: Hunh? Oh, Mike...just practicing my proofreading skills on some of this
stuff I pulled off alt.ql.creative and alt.startrek.creative.
Mike: [picks up totally red page, puts it down] Aren't you being a bit hard
on them?
Tom: [emerges from one of the larger stacks, his head is full of red ink] Other
way around, Mike. This writing is pretty hard on us. Good thing I have
lots of extra ink.
[light flashes]
Mike: Ah, Abian and Winston are calling. [hits button]
[Deep 13]
Dr.F: You'd better not insult Abian too much, bubbelah. His groundbreaking
methods are prov...er, showing themselves to be very helpful to our work.
Frank: In fact, we used his theories in our invention!
Dr.F: That's right, Frank. With our Abianizer, you'll never have to worry
about watching a 'lightweight' film again! Show them how it works.
Frank: Well, you know how Lippert and others pioneered the science of padding
a film out, giving it more volume but less substance? Well, with the
revolutionary theories of Abian, we can turn all that extra time into
the equivalent mass, making the film far weightier!
Dr.F: Imagine! Rock climbing sequences heavier than real rocks! Sandstorms
that weigh you down like the real thing!
Frank: Unfortunately, we tested it on MANOS, and it fell through the floor
of Deep 13. But it's not too hard to make another!
Dr.F: That's right! All we have to do is use our imaginations. The rest is
mere detail. Now, what's your shiny-happy-people-laughing invention,
Mikeyboy?
[SOL]
Mike: Well, alot of people can unknowingly get in alot of trouble for posting
things to internet without proper disclaimers. Their bosses can get
angry if it the company is made to look like it supports, say, free
energy theories or something. So with Gypsy's help, I made the Auto-
Disclaimer! It listens for things in your post, like sites, and
automatically inserts the proper disclaimer for them. Here, I'll set
it on voice mode. [flips switch] IBM.
Auto-Disclaimer: This post does not represent the views of IBM.
Crow: Microsoft!
A-D: The poster is not an authorized spokesman for Microsoft.
Tom: Compu$erve!
A-D: CompuServe does not endorse the placing of dollar signs in its name.
Mike: Well, what do you think?
A-D: REPRODUCTION and un-ALTered dissemination of this IMPORTANT information
is ENCOURAGED.
Mike: Er, it still has some bugs in it. [turns it off]
[Deep 13]
Dr.F: So do you. Your post for today isn't actually something posted to the
newsgroup at all, it's a piece of mail. Yes, good old USPS junk mail.
I see your little cretinous companions have been sharpening their writing
skills...well, this letter will want them to swear off the printed word
forever! Tell them about the letter, Frank.
Frank: Do you want to write for publication? Sure, we all do. And with the
help of these kind people, you can be writing for only pennies a day. Um,
well, yeah. Anyway, the writer of this letter must have taken lessons in
padding from Lippert. Enjoy.
[SOL]
All: Ahhh! We have junk mail sign!
<>...6...5...4...3...2...1...
> LongRidgeWritersGroup
Tom: OhIthinkIseeaproblemwiththeseguysalready.
>
[begin boxed text]
> Now -- there's a better way to learn how to write for publication.
Crow: Ohhhh, *please* Mike can I do spelling and grammar flames on this one?
Mike: Sure, honey. Anything promising to help you learn to write deserves
any language-usage flames you can muster.
Crow and Tom: Wahoo!
>
> First, your personal coach will teach you how to write short stories
> (fiction) and articles (nonfiction) -- the building blocks of all good
> writing.
Crow: I dunno...alot of the articles *I've* seen were fictional.
Tom: So were their writers.
>
> Then your coach will help you find the publishing niche that's right for
> _your_ writing.
Mike: Well, Mr. McElwaine, we've found your niche. You're best suited to
writing long and winding rants on the usenet news groups.
Tom: [as REM] Which ones?
Mike: Er, all of them.
>
> Finally, your coach will show you the professional way to get your
> writing into the publishing marketplace.
Crow: Kissing editorial hinder.
Mike: Crow....
>
> By the time you graduate, we promise that you will have written at least
> two stories or articles ready to sumbit to an editor.
Tom: And the editor will only be too happy to utterly tear them to pieces and
destroy whatever shreds of dignity we might have left you.
>
> To find out how we teach...how you learn...and how we can
Crow: Overuse ellipses...
> deliver on
> such a big promise -- read on.
[end boxed text]
>
> Dear Friend,
Tom: You're not *my* friend.
Crow: Yeah, you just wanna come over to our house, play with our toys and then
break all our daddy's coffee mugs!
Mike and Tom: Huh?
>
> If you want to write like a real professional, begin at the beginning.
Tom: D'oh! Silly me, I've bee starting at the end.
> Start with the basic building block used by successful writers --
Mike: So *that's* what succesful writers use. --.
Tom: How is -- pronounced?
Crow: Like _-_ but in HOOM reversed vowels.
Tom: Oh.
> no matter
> what their specialties may be -- and once you master these basics, you can
> write for any market that interests you.
Crow: I like to write for the meat market!
Mike: Don't make me duct tape your mouth.
>
> You've already been through enough events, known enough people,
> experienced enough relationships and accumulated enough facts,
> special knowledge and wisdom to fill a five-foot shelf.
Tom: Too bad it's a shelf full of misery, despair and hate.
Crow: Let's not forget unrelenting boredom.
Mike: Hey, my encyclopedia set fills a five foot shelf. Maybe that's what he
means. We can steal from the encyclopedia to write our articles.
>
> But what you may not have in equal depth is the professional training
> and techniques you need to get it all down on paper and put it across to the
> toughest of all readers: the editors and publishers who decide what will
> appear in print.
Tom: Sounds like these editor and publisher people are CEN$ORING the American
public.
Mike: It's a thankless job, but a necessary one.
Tom: Huh?
Crow: Yeah...if not for editors and publishers deciding what appeared in print,
the writers might get to decide. You know, writers like the doof who
write Enterprized?
Tom: Oh...I see your point.
>
> _Where_does_a_beginner_turn_for_help?_
Crow: Bellvue?
>
> Most aspiring writers "go it alone" -- not because they prefer to
> struggle in isolation, but because they don't
Mike: Have very good interpersonal skills, and people tend to shun them.
Tom: Might also be the hygiene angle.
> know where to turn for help,
> or because the only help available is in a seminar, classroom, or lecture
> hall.
Crow: Oooh! Grammar error! "seminar, classroom or lecture hall" is the
proper construction!
Tom: Hm. Now I see why we *don't* do grammar flames very often.
Crow: Hey!
> They need personal, individual attention
Mike: From caring mental health professionals.
> -- not stiff competition from
> their classmates
Crow: Because we all know how bad and un-PC competition is...why, nothing
ever gets done when there's too much competition.
Tom: What about Nobel Prizes and stuff?
Crow: Well, nothing with a few billion exceptions, I guess.
> for the few minutes an instructor has available for
> questions. There _had_ to be a better way to learn!
Mike: I've got to wonder if this is the kind of editing and writing these
people are capable of. I mean, grammar flames are petty and all, but
using the wrong tense of a verb? C'mon.
Tom: You're right. There has to be a better way to learn than these turkeys.
>
> The challenge was taken up by a group of writers and editors whose
> inspired coaching
Mike: Okay, Simpson! Break left and submit your article to Field & Stream!
Roberts, go wide into the margins! Clobber that plotline!
> over the last 20 years has produced hundreds of published
> writers. The program they developed, _Breaking into Print_,
Crow: Aaah! I'm breaking into print!
Tom: I think a little pencillin can take care of that.
Mike: Don't you mean penicillin?
Crow and Tom: [shake heads sadly]
> combines the
> two most basic forms of creative writing: articles
Tom: The, a, an.
> (nonfiction) and short
> stories (fiction). Virtually every piece of contemporary writing in the
> English language that you admire was created with these same basic building
> blocks.
Crow: Plus a WHOLE lot that I have utter contempt for.
>
> _Your_coach_works_with_you_one_-_on_-_one_
>
> To be a good writer, you need a winning coach. If you qualify for
> _Breaking into Print_, your coach will be a pro --
Mike: Gee, you mean there's amateur --'s?
> a widely published author
> of short stories, books and articles or an experienced editor. His or her
Tom: Yes, we have only the best of androgynous coaches here!
> one-on-one coaching will help you to develop your strengths, overcome your
> weaknesses and guide you through the tough spots.
Crow: Oh yeah, there's a real tough spot there...uh-huh...[lasciviously]
Mike: That's it, no more cable for you.
>
> You progress at your own pace, on your schedule. Your personal
> writing coach fits his or her schedule to yours and is always there,
> ready to work when you are.
Tom: Well, since Crow looks like he's about to explode from not saying it,
I will.
Mike: Say what?
Tom: Schedule fitting sounds awfully kinky.
Crow: I'm ready to work, nudge nudge!
Mike: Sigh.
>
> These master writers and editors know how to teach and how to coach
> aspiring writers to bring their writing up to publication standards. They
Tom: Or in some cases, down to publication standards, if you write for most
popular magazines.
> also know that getting published demands accurate knowledge of specific
> markets -- as well as solid writing tailored to editorial requirements.
Mike: Solid, as in "dense".
Tom: "Thick"
Crow: "Leaden"
>
> _We_help_you_find_your_own_writing_niche_
>
> For those reasons, _Breaking into Print_ not only teaches you how to
> write articles and short stories -- it also guides you to your strongest
> form of writing -- the writing niche that's best for _you_.
Tom: Drat, we already did the McElwaine joke on this.
Mike: Don't worry, I get the feeling we'll see this phrase alot more. Feel
free to repeat a joke or two...they do.
>
> But it doesn't end there.
All: NOOOOO! Let it end there!
> Your coach will stick with you _after_ you
> find your niche --
Crow: Ah, -- is pronouced niche!
Tom: Ni!
> and show you how to market your finished work to that
> segment of the market. You're a team: a winning coach training you to be
> a winning writer.
Mike: Or a deluded old fool training you to be a deluded young fool.
>
> This one-on-one teaming of a beginner with a skillful mentor offers
> you a quality and intensity of training in writing and in _marketing_ your
> writing that we have not found in any school or college or university
> anywhere!
Tom: Not that they're really interested in looking for one. I mean, if there
*was* such a place, you wouldn't need to go to *them* for help, right?
Crow: Heck, they don't need to prove there's no other place to find this stuff.
They can use Abian logic!
Mike: This course is looking less appealing by the second.
>
> _You_must_qualify_for_the_team_
All: [as one] We_must_qualify_for_the_team.
Crow: It_was_much_better_than_Cats.
>
> But first you must qualify for the team. You must demonstrate the
> necessary potential and capacity to accept constructive criticism from your
> coach, learn from it, and turn it into a winning performance. If you have
> the aptitude and the maturity to qualify,
Mike: Then you probably don't need us at all, actually.
> and if you decide to enroll, you'll
> get our commitment in writing:
>
> Your personal coach will --
>
> 1. Teach you how to write articles
Crow: (Nonfiction)
> and short stories,
Tom: (Fiction)
> the building
> blocks of all good writing;
Mike: --!
>
> 2. Help you find the writing niche that's right for you; and,
Crow: I got my niche right here. Heckling bad writing.
>
> 3. Show you how to market your writing effectively.
Tom: 4. Drain your personal savings.
Mike: 5. Turn you into another hack writer.
Crow: 6. There is no commitment 6.
>
> By the time you complete the program, you will have
Crow: Laid down on the center stripe of a busy highway!
Tom: Wrong movie, I think.
Crow: Sorry, I get mixed up with all those psychotic football program
movies. Are you sure it's not _The Program_ with that scene?
Tom: Um, no, I'm not sure. I get them mixed up too.
> written at least
> two stories or articles ready to send to a publisher.
Mike: And trimmed to be just the right size for his office shredder.
>
> _"It_beats_any_college_class_I've_taken_hands_down"_
>
> Students enrolled in _Breaking into Print_ find that the program
> fulfills its promises. "This course is aimed at getting into print and
> it zeros
Crow: Shouldn't that be "zeroes"?
Tom: Not necessarily.
Mike: Actually, it should be "potatoes".
> in on this target with unerring accuracy," writes Kelly Weber,
> Black, MO who sold Lesson #3 to _World Vision_.
Tom: And boy were we embarrassed! After that, we started copyrighting our
lessons so no one else can sell them.
Crow: I suppose _World Vision_ is breaking into print now too, then?
Mike: Probably. Better cancel your subscription just to be safe.
> "If every purchase I made
> was this sound,
Tom: I'd have been reduced to penury *long* ago!
> I would never be dissatisfied again."
>
> "Comparing it to college classes I've taken in the past, the
> detail of criticism is far better and, therefore, more valuable
> to me," reports Jeffrey T. Homan, Plymouth, MA. "It beats any
> college class I've taken hands down."
Mike: Well, if you didn't have your hands down, you might have gotten more
out of those classes.
>
> "I was published on my first submission
Crow: Ha! Submit to the mighty editor! <whip-crack sound>
Mike: Sounds like how most people get published, actually.
> in an anthology of
> previously unpublished science fiction stories," reports Thomas Houfek,
Tom: Translation: glorified fanfic collection.
> Raleigh, N.C. "I have great faith in my instructor's critical and
> supportive skills."
Crow: If not their sanity.
>
> "My instructor-coach not only knows her business but _cares_ that I
> improve my writing skills," reports Joyce E. Horn, Grand Rapids, MI.
Crow: 'Cuz as it stands, your writing is physically painful to read!
> "While
> constructively criticizing what I do incorrectly, she also makes a special
> effort to praise what I do right!"
Tom: That's right, Joyce...you're doing a *wonderful* job of writing your name
on that check!
>
> _The_building_blocks_of_success_
>
> America's appetite for writing is enormous.
Crow: Especially when it's covered in chocolate sauce.
Tom: And RAMchips!
Tom and Crow: YUM!
> There are over 42,000
> publishers who produce two billion books, and hundreds of millions of
> newspapers, magazines, trade papers, specialty publications and newsletters
> annually.
Mike: All of which makes the steadily declining literacy rates all the more
tragic.
> They all need writers to keep them going -- staff writers or
> freelancers, or both.
Crow: BUT, the prefer freelancers that they can chew up and spit out.
Tom: They're crunchier, too.
> And these writers use the same building blocks you'll
> master in _Breaking into Print_.
Mike: You too shall master the mysterious and potent --.
>
> While many institutions offer
Crow: Just the kind of therapy you need for that nasty case of Print you have
> instruction on writing, Breaking into
> Print
Tom: Hey, he dropped the underlines. What does that mean?
Mike: That they could use a proofreader?
Crow: Another one?
> is a unique program that teaches you how to write both articles
All: (Nonfiction)!
> and
> short stories,
All: (Fiction)!
> helps you to find your own writing niche, and then shows you
> _how to sell what you write_!
Tom: Oh, that's where the underlining went.
>
> To identify men and women who are qualified for this exceptional
> program,
Mike: Simply look for that unmistakable look of hidden shame in their eyes.
Crow: And the "666" emblazoned on their foreheads!
> we have developed a writing sampler titled, "Your Writing
> Evaluation." To receive your free copy and an illustrated brochure
> describing the program, just transfer the "FREE" sticker to your Request
> Form and mail it in the envelope enclosed.
Tom: Inability to do this will result in not qualifying for our program.
> Do it now, before you forget it.
Crow: Gee, do they expect everyone has the attention span of TV's Frank?
>
> When you return your completed sampler, our staff will evaluate it
> at no cost to you.
Mike: Well, almost no cost. We might use your handwriting samples to forge
a few checks, but not too many. Don't worry.
Tom: What about the cost to the applicant's dignity?
Crow: Like someone who responds has any of that.
Tom: Oh yeah.
> If it reveals true writing potential,
Mike: We'll all be really, really surprised.
> you will be
> eligible to enroll. But that's entirely your decision.
Crow: It's not like we keep telling you to "Do it now" or anything.
Tom: Yeah, don't feel pressured by the fact we've repeated every point in this
letter at least three times.
>
> Sincerely,
Mike: Yes, we sincerely want your money.
Tom: But he *said* it was free....
Crow: Don't be naive. Nothing's ever free when it comes to junk mail.
Tom: Well, I guess so.
> Bryan K. Judge
> President
>
> P.S. Right now -- before you put it aside -- please mail your request card
> for more information. There is no obligation.
Crow: Ha ha! Too late! I put it aside! Nyah nyah! Whee! I'm outtahere!
1...2...3...4...5...6...<>....
Mike: Well, guys, we survived another.
Tom: Yeah, well, I can't help feeling this was only the tip of the iceberg.
Crow: Right. I mean, it wasn't *that* bad. Usually.
Mike: Ummm...yeah. Say, where's that request card? I wanna burn it before
someone accidentally sends it in or anything.
Crow: Um, I don't see it here. [shuffles through pile of fanfic]
Tom: Me neither. You don't suppose....
[Deep 13]
Dr.F: Enjoy that little taste? No? GOOD. You'll be happy to know I've told
Frank to send in that request card in your name, so you'll be getting
24 more free pages of that kind of stuff!
Frank: Steve...I can't transfer the FREE sticker....[in background, Frank picks
feebly at the card with the sticker while wearing mittens]
Dr.F: Then take off the mittens!
Frank: But you said I had to wear them or it was back to electroaversion
therapy!
Dr.F: Excuse me, Mick. I have to apply a potential difference across Frank's
eyelids. Bye!
[button is pushed]
Dave Van Domelen, "--" - LongRidgeWritersGroup
Mark Meyer
On 14 Jan 1994 03:02:42 GMT,
dva...@magnus.acs.ohio-state.edu (Dave Van Domelen) said:
dvd> [light flashes] Mike: Ah, Abian and Winston are
dvd> calling. [hits button]
Very nice MiSTing. However, for referring to the Mads, I
think a more appropriate combo would be "Abian and Plutonium." Y'see,
Alexander Abian and Ludwig Plutonium are in sci.math, presenting the
world with a unique spectacle: TWO CRANKS TALKING TO EACH OTHER!!!
That's sci.math. Mark Bob says check it out!
--
Mark Meyer | mme...@dseg.ti.com |
Texas Instruments, Inc., Plano, TX +--------------------+
Every day, Jerry Junkins is grateful that I don't speak for TI.
"Did the Corinthians ever write back?"