[MiSTied] That's Just Peanuts to Space [2/2]
Matthew Miller
[ SOL. Low shot on desk; MIKE is resting his head in his hand. CROW
enters from the right. ]
CROW: What's wrong, Mike?
MIKE: It's this fanfic, Crow. I mean ... look, I always liked "Peanuts."
It's important, in a way. Reading the strip, it was like no
matter how I felt, there was someone who understood ... who knew
the thousand little pains of daily life ... and who lived through
them, and who survived, and who could be horribly, wonderfully
funny about how to live, and live as a good person.
CROW: And you're not dealing well with the foundation of your morality
being twisted into fiendishly evil schemes?
MIKE: Yeah, something like that.
CROW: Even though this story is still ten times better than "Flashbeagle?"
MIKE: "It's Flashbeagle, Charlie Brown," you mean. Yeah.
CROW: Why not get some psychiatric help, then?
MIKE: Help? Where? [ Looks off to the left. ] Oh! Of course, I should've
realized.
[ MIKE and CROW walk to the left, revealing GYPSY sitting behind a LUCY-style
'PSYCHIATRIC HELP 7 CENTS' booth. TOM is crowched by the wide. ]
MIKE: Here all the time. What am I thinking?
CROW: Seven cents? I thought it was a nickel?
MIKE: Winter rates, Crow.
GYPSY: Yeah. You think I do this for the mental health?
MIKE: Okay, well, Gypsy, my problem...
GYPSY: Hey, hand over the cash first.
MIKE: Oh, right. [ Drops seven cents into TOM's head. ]
TOM: Ooh, I love that sound!
MIKE: Right. Look, I'm having a really hard time dealing with Snoopy, the
epitome of innocence and simple grace in the "Peanuts" universe,
being turned into the supreme, not to mention really goofy, evil in
this story. It hurts me in parts of my body and soul I never imagined
I had. You know, there's some pains even a jelly-bread sandwich
folded over won't help.
GYPSY: Okay. Go to bed and try not to think about it.
MIKE: That's...probably good advice. Thank you. [ MIKE wanders off. ]
CROW: [ After a beat ] Hey, this psychiatrical help is easy.
GYPSY: I'm just good enough that it looks easy, bucko.
CROW: Oh.
TOM: So how do we divide seven cents three ways?
GYPSY: *Divide*?
[ MOVIE SIGN flashes ]
CROW, TOM: Oh, no, we got movie sign! [ They start running ]
GYPSY: Come back with my fee!
[ 6.. 5.. 4.. 3.. 2.. 1.. ]
[ MIKE is sitting there; TOM and CROW file in. ]
CROW: Didn't get much rest, huh?
MIKE: Grabbed a quick nap.
TOM: Oh, those are refreshing.
MIKE: Yeah.
>
> "There! All finished!"
MIKE: Doesn't it look like a bunny?
> The eccentrically clothed figure
> stepped back from a console, proudly waving his hand toward a
> viewscreen on it.
TOM: Boy, you know, it's like we're right in the room with them.
> "You've hooked up the television or something?" asked his girl
> companion.
> "Oh Peri, you Americans are something else!"
CROW: You're like...somebody went to be an Greenlander and turned left.
> responded the
> Doctor. "This is a special scanner which will detect the movement
> of other TARDISes through the vortex! It's been broken for years!"
TOM: Because we couldn't think of any possible use for such a device.
> "That's real interesting, Doctor. I'm glad to know that this
> scanner is working now. I've been losing sleep over its being
> broken lately."
CROW: [ Uninterested ] "No, really, I have. Boy, I've just been
thinking about it nonstop for years and years now. Honest."
> "So have I, Peri! Let's just switch it on
TOM: Oh, let's.
CROW: That would be such a giggle.
> and see if there
> happen to be any other TARDISes nearby right now!" He flamboyantly
> flipped a switch.
MIKE: And the lights go out.
> "No doubt hundreds of other TARDISes are investigating Earth at
> this very moment," said Peri.
TOM: Looking for their socks.
> "No, probably not," said the Doctor, missing the irony.
> "Believe it or not, most Time Lords don't care too much for Earth."
CROW: The place doesn't have good enough schools for their children.
> But, right there on the scanner, there was another TARDIS
> moving through the vortex right near Earth. The Doctor, surprised,
> rechecked the circuits to make sure there was not some malfunction.
TOM: Oh, no, wait, it's just a commercial for a car dealership.
My mistake.
> The Doctor, even more surprised, discovered that the TARDIS
> circuitry was in tip-top condition.
MIKE: Well, somebody had tipped it over, anyway.
> For the moment.
> "I'll get the computer to calculate its point and time of
> arrival, and then I'll bring our TARDIS to land there five minutes
> earlier.
CROW: Then we can pull the greatest surprise party ever!
> Just in case that's the Master or something, I want to
> make sure we get there first!"
MIKE: You have a time machine. How can you not get anywhere first?
> "Doctor, didn't the Master die while you were in your nice,
> polite, unaggressive incarnation?"
TOM: Remember? When you were Phil Donahue?
> Peri put her hands to her throat
> nervously.
MIKE: Oh, see, she's read the story before, knows what to expect.
> "You never know for sure," said the Doctor. "Here we go!"
>
> "WE WANT BAKER! WE WANT BAKER!"
TOM: "Or at least Butcher!"
CROW: "Candlestick Maker was a ripoff!"
> "I don't think those people will wait any longer," said Wilco.
> "Well, even though Tom's not here yet for his big entrance, Ian
> and I might as well go out there now," Lis Sladen said.
CROW: Maybe wackiness will ensue.
> "Right," said Ian Marter. "We should be able to distract them
> somehow."
MIKE: What if we shoot fireworks into the middle of the crowd?
CROW: Brilliant!
> They stepped out on stage. The audience stopped its chant long
> enough to applaud these other two stars.
ALL: We want a pitcher, not a belly itcher! We want a pitcher, not a
belly itcher! We want...
> Sladen stood by the TARDIS
> mockup on stage and said, "Well, the Doctor must have gotten lost in
> his TARDIS again!" The audience, hot and tired, laughed at that
> grudgingly.
TOM: [ As audience member ] Ha ha. Ha.
CROW: [ As audience member ] Kill them.
> Both Marter and Sladen sensed an unusually hostile air in the
> audience, and both cursed to themselves.
MIKE: "Just as I thought. They're 'Blake's 7' fans."
> They worried about what to
> do now.
> A familiar wheezing, groaning sound filled the air.
CROW: The air conditioning unit was about to fall through the
ceiling again.
> The
> audience burst out now into enthusiastic applause. Sladen sighed
> with relief. Baker must have just arrived, and they were playing
> that sound effect on the record player to signal his arrival.
MIKE: The haunting 'washing machine is off balance' theme.
> She was very surprised to see, however, a second police box
> materializing right beside the first one. It was marvelous what
> American technology could do these days.
TOM: That's not a very convenient car phone.
> The audience seemed
> similarly amazed, and delighted at this special effect brilliantly
> created as part of the show.
MIKE: Normal Fellmania! Not Normal Fell, but an incredible simulation!
> The second police box finished materializing, and Colin Baker
> and Nicola Bryant, both in costume, stepped out.
CROW: "Hi, we're looking for a Dr. Who / Kung Fu / Lion King crossover,
have you seen it around?"
> The audience went
> even wilder in its applause. This was an unexpected treat!
CROW: Yay! It's stuff.
> Baker and Bryant confusedly peered at the audience for a
> moment, as if they hadn't expected to arrive on a stage or anything.
TOM: "Have you seen our lost kitty Muffinhead around?"
> Baker then went up to Sladen and said, "Well, well! Sarah Jane
> Smith! And good old Harry Sullivan!
MIKE: Okay, is this the 'real' Doctor Who meeting the character actors,
or the actors meeting the 'real' Doctor Who, or just general
psychoses for everyone?
CROW: Who knows?
TOM: Does it matter?
> How nice to see you both
> again!"
> Sladen hadn't known these two actors would be present, but
> since they were here, she would go along with their act.
CROW: "I give up, Doctor. What state is high in the middle and round on
both ends?"
> While on
> stage, they had to act the same way that the Doctor, Peri, Sarah and
> Harry would in this situation. The crowd, of course, loved it.
MIKE: Whee!
TOM: We don't know what's going on!
CROW: Yay!
> "Do I know you, sir?" she asked with a Sarah Jane lilt.
> "Yes, Sarah, I am the Doctor!
CROW: I want to talk about your throat infection!
> Twice regenerated since teeth
> and curls!
MIKE: Thrice regenerated from that unfortunate Rod McKuen form!
> What's going on here? I thought you were a journalist,
> not an actress!"
TOM: I'm not an actress, but I play one on TV.
> "Doctor," said Nicola Bryant, by the first TARDIS prop, "that
> other TARDIS we picked up on the scanners seems already to be here!"
MIKE: Good thing they had the scanner there.
> "I can see that, Peri," said Colin Baker, and the audience
> laughed and applauded, because they just knew that any minute now
TOM: They'd be minutes closer to death.
> Tom Baker would step out of there, and they were eagerly awaiting a
> confrontation between the Fourth and Sixth Doctors.
CROW: Oh! I just got it. Lots of people played the Doctor, lots of
kids provided voices for the Peanuts specials, yeah, this
crossover makes sense...right? Please? [ Whimper ]
> Colin opened the door to the prop, revailing a drab, police-box
> sized, empty interior.
TOM: "Honey? The fridge is empty."
> "No, Peri, this isn't a TARDIS, it just
> looks like one!" He sank into thought.
MIKE: And drowned?
> Sladen winced. What was Colin doing? In a skit it would not
> do at all to reveal the prop as a prop!
TOM: We might lose the carefully crafted sense of reality.
> Still, Colin was especially
> irreverent and good humored, and the audience, knowing this, was
> laughing along with him, so she didn't mind.
TOM: "Ha ha. Ha."
CROW: "Well, it's better than fasting!"
> This was a perfect
> distraction from Tom's tardiness.
MIKE: Not entertainment, but an uncanny simulation.
> Sladen began trying to think of a
> pun involving "tardiness" and "TARDIS" to spring on the audience
> later.
CROW: Or, well, to threaten them with, anyway.
> Ian Marter stepped nimbly over a microphone cable which had
> been stretched across the stage. "And you aren't Harry Sullivan,
> you just look like one!" proclaimed the Doctor.
TOM: Someone's replaced him with Folger's Crystals!
> "The real Harry
> would have tripped over that cable!"
MIKE: "He would've easily killed a dozen people accidentally by now!"
> The audience burst into great laughter. A good joke, but Colin
> was not sharing it by smiling or laughing.
CROW: "Fun time, but I was hoping to meet the Kratt brothers."
> He was still deeply in
> thought, looking around suspiciously. "I wonder if you are really
> Sarah Jane?" he mused, looking at Sladen.
TOM: "If you are, there's this android from the future I know who's
looking for you."
> She felt uneasy. Colin
> was carrying this too far!
> The audience cheered and applauded thunderously as the TARDIS
> materialization sound was heard again.
CROW: Oh boy. Watch the wackiness build even more.
> A third police box appeared
> on stage right beside the first two. Out stepped Tom Baker.
TOM: Followed by Renegade Time Lord Bob Newhart.
> The
> audience increased their enthusiasm.
MIKE: [ Dully ] "Our enthusiasm is increased."
> Sarah moaned inwardly to see that Tom wasn't in costume, but
> fortunately the audience didn't seem to mind.
CROW: This audience wouldn't mind if boiling grease was poured all
over them.
> She was surprised to
> note a strange creature, which had never appeared on the show in any
> capacity, follow Tom out. What was going on here?
TOM: And why was it lemony?
> "And," Colin said, with a threatening note, "This is not really
> the Doctor!
MIKE: But he is an R.N. and I respect that!
> He just looks like one of my past incarnations! Why,
> he's not even a Time Lord!"
TOM: He's just a Time Baron...maybe a Time Viscount.
> Now even the audience was beginning to get a little confused at
> Colin's behaviour.
CROW: "Hey, why are we watching you guys? This is a Star Wars
convention!"
> Why wasn't he pretending Tom was the Doctor?
> Was there some secret antagonism between the two actors? What
> wonderful gossip this would make!
MIKE: Their torrid affair must have turned sour!
> "You're right!" came a flat, computerized voice from the small
> creature.
TOM: And now Stephen Hawking is attacking them! Oh, no!
> "This so-called Doctor is an imposter! Gah, get away!"
> And without warning, Tom suddenly jumped off stage.
ALL: Mosh pit!
> Shrieks could
> be heard from the audience, who were thrilled at the prospect of
> being able to tell their friends that Tom Baker had broken their
> arm.
MIKE: "I Went To Michigan's 'Haughton Hears A WhoFest' And Got My Own
Civil Liability Settlement!"
> "But you, sir!" continued the creature. "You are a Time Lord!
> From what you said, you must in fact be the Doctor! Very well,
> then, I shall take you instead!"
CROW: He's a very flexible evil guy.
TOM: Wait, so not a single person in this crowd recognizes Snoopy?
> Colin started walking toward the third police box.
TOM: He opened the door and found it was the one being used as a grain
silo!
> Both he and
> the creature entered, and then the door slammed shut. The TARDIS
> then wheezed and faded away, with Bryant shouting "Doctor! Doctor!"
MIKE: Sanctuary! Sanctuary!
> Sladen ran through the space where the third police box had
> been. There was definitely nothing here now. So where had Colin
> gone? Or, was that really Colin?
CROW: Maybe it was Dave instead. Or Bill.
> Absurd as it seemed, Sladen was
> beginning to think that maybe he had really been the Doctor!
> "What is your real name?" she whispered to Bryant.
> "Perpugilliam Brown!
MIKE: You just know she got in trouble with the SAT people for filling
that in on their sheets.
> We've got to save the Doctor!"
CROW: Somebody contact the Fox network!
> She ran
> into the second police box. Sladen followed her inside. Sure
> enough, there was the TARDIS control room. This was a real TARDIS,
> all right!
MIKE: Wow, with the blinky stuff and everything!
> Sladen exited the TARDIS. "Ian, Tom, come quickly! This is
> the real TARDIS, and that person who has just been taken away was
> really the Doctor!"
TOM: So just imagine the implications about free will and predestination
and the nature of reality...no, wait, we've got a crummy fanfic
to get back to.
> Marter said "Come on now!", but Tom, who had made it back to
> the stage, was beyond being surprised at anything. They all entered
> the Doctor's TARDIS.
CROW: "Somebody call the Guinness people, I think we've got a world record!"
> Peri flipped the switch which closed the doors. She pointed to
> the newly repaired scanner.
MIKE: It's living in vain!
> "That creature is getting away! There
> they are in the scanner!"
TOM: Well, hey, just hold onto the scanner and we've got them then.
> "Well, 'Doctor,' let's go after them," said Marter.
> "Come on, Ian, I don't know these controls," protested Baker.
CROW: I mean, we've met each other, and would talk in the hallway,
but no way to we really know each other.
> "You've only played the Doctor for seven years! Surely you've
> learned something about the TARDIS by now!" said Sladen.
MIKE: Marrissa Picard in a role that will surprise you.
> "Well, I never made an effort to learn the control panel. In
> fact, I never was consistent. Whenever the script called for me to
> use a control, I pretty much randomly flipped a few!"
CROW: At the director, at the writer, at the producer -- that's why they
'regenerated' to another new Doctor...
> "Well, then, randomly flip a few!" said Marter.
TOM: Or ask one of the fanboys in the audience which ones to push.
> "We've got to
> do something!"
> "Yes," said Peri, who was wondering if she really should trust
> these strange people.
MIKE: [ As Peri ] "Should I mention I'm trained and certified on this
equipment? Nah."
> The second police box vworped its way off the stage. The
> audience was plainly and simply stunned.
CROW: "Hey! Why do they get to leave?"
> So was Wilco, who had seen
> every one of his invited personalities vanish into thin air. Now
> what would happen?
TOM: "Well, okay, we can bring you Tony Randall and Dr. Joyce Brothers
then!"
>
> "That control device of yours is crude," said the Doctor,
> shrugging off its effects.
CROW: But it does wonders for my hair.
> "Maybe so," said Morbius, "but I have another device which is
> efficient enough."
TOM: It collects all the "orgone" in the area and then...well, I
don't know what to do with it, but it's very efficient at
collecting it all.
> "Oh really? And what is that?" asked the Doctor, humoring the
> dog.
CROW: Heartworm pills. I don't want to talk about it.
> "A good old fashioned blaster," said Morbius smugly, producing
> the described item.
MIKE: Oh, wait, this is my staple gun...could you hold on a minute?
> "Who are you, anyway?" asked the Doctor.
CROW: You're not Carol, from the office, are you?
> Morbius again went
> through the explanation of who he was and how he had gotten that
> way.
> Linus, metered letter in hand,
TOM: Oop, see, I knew the subplot would come back to haunt us.
> peered through the doorway at
> the top of the stairs. Snoopy was talking and holding a gun on some
> absurdly dressed stranger.
MIKE: So, Schulz's most perceptive character sees this and his
reaction is...
> He clutched his blanket to him and
> started sucking his thumb.
MIKE: Nothing. Might as well be observing pavement resurfacing.
> The Doctor saw the child on the other end of the room, behind
> Morbius, and his first thought was to save the child from Morbius.
CROW: His second thought was to wonder about the fate of Tina Yothers.
> "Why don't we just go elsewhere and discuss this reasonably?" he
> suggested.
TOM: Have you seen that new "Borders" super-bookstore? It's quite nice.
> "I have been in agony far too long to permit you the slightest
> chance of escape, Doctor!" cried Morbius.
CROW: "Now just give me a moment to figure a way to screw this up!"
> Now that he knew the
> Doctor had not been sent by the Time Lords, he knew it was safe to
> kill him.
MIKE: And maybe the seventh time he gets killed he'll stay dead.
> He fired the blaster at the Doctor.
> Fortunately, at that precise moment,
TOM: The world ended and we didn't have to read the rest of the
story, the end.
> Linus flipped his
> rolled-up blanket at Snoopy, thrashing the gun out of Snoopy's paw
> just at the instant the trigger was pulled (milliseconds either way
> would have meant the death of our hero), so the ray just hit a wall.
CROW: An action sequence that's slower than the exposition.
> With a growl, Morbius turned to attack Linus, but the Doctor
> heroically leaped down to claim the blaster.
MIKE: "Can you describe the contents of your blaster, sir? Do you know
any identifying features of it?"
> With a stern
> expression on his face (which had not been visible during his
> stunt),
CROW: Stunt men in a fanfic. [ Groaning ] Help us...
MIKE: We may have been forsaken.
> he aimed the pistol at the dog and said "I wouldn't do that
> if I were you, Morbius!"
TOM: "Daddy will spank you if you do."
> Morbius lifted his paws in defeat.
CROW: "In de hind legs, you mean, not de feet! He hee!"
MIKE: Don't do that.
> Linus hid behind the
> Doctor, who was still covering Morbius with the blaster.
TOM: And kisses!
> Morbius
> looked behind the Doctor and Linus at the hole in the wall which the
> blaster had brought into existence.
CROW: What does someone make a hole out of?
> Behind that hole had been
> complex cooling equipment,
MIKE: Aw, it's just a little tray they put fresh ice in every day.
> and deadly gas was leaking out through
> the hole.
> "Pity you don't happen to be carrying a stalk of celery on you,
> Doctor," Morbius said.
CROW: What?
> "Funny you should mention that," said the Doctor, who suddenly
> fell to the floor.
MIKE: Huh? Celery?
> Without the telltale celery to warn him by
> changing colour, he'd breathed in the gas.
TOM: Celery...is the writer having a seizure or something?
MIKE: Maybe it's backstory? Something in the Dr. Who continuity
or something?
CROW: He couldn't guess there'd be a gas leak even though the cooling
system was blown wide open?
> Morbius reclaimed the blaster and pointed it at the Doctor's
> gasping body. "And now, you shall die!"
CROW: Unless you've brought fresh peaches; if you did I'm doomed!
MIKE: The Doctor's inability to tell a cabbage from a lettuce comes
back to haunt him.
> Linus quickly scrambled up to the gaping hole and covered it
> with his blanket. The gas stopped looking into the room,
CROW: It heard a rumor the Doctor had some nectarines.
> which was
> soon clearing up.
MIKE: Yes, folks, 'outing' flannel is impermeable to gas molecules.
CROW: What kind of flannel?
MIKE: I don't know, but that's the type.
> Then Linus came up at Snoopy from behind, knocked
> the little dog over, and took the blaster himself.
TOM: Teach *you* to steal my blanket.
> "Well done!" called out the quickly recovering Doctor.
CROW: We need the involvement of young children in a deadly confrontation!
> However, Morbius growled and attacked Linus, wresting the blaster
> from the child's grasp. He quickly turned to face the Doctor,
MIKE: Face the doctor! Then meet the press!
> who
> had been preparing to attack him from behind. Morbius stepped back
> so that both Linus and the Doctor were within his field of fire.
TOM: And he fell out a seventh-story skyscraper and died. The end.
> "And now, Doctor, it is time to say good-bye!"
CROW: You know, I was just thinking...what would that "Gospel According
To Peanuts" guy make of this story?
TOM: Kindling for his barbecue, perhaps?
CROW: Oh, that's right, I forgot.
> "Wait, Morbius!" The Doctor decided to defeat Morbius the same
> way he had before, by appealing to his hubris and egotism.
CROW: "I'll have you know I've got a bunch of apples on me!"
> "It's so
> uncivilized to just shoot me. How about a little mind-battle?"
TOM: "No? Well, how about you let me go and try to catch me again? Uh,
okay, how about...uh...we play Twister for a few hours and then
fight again? Uh..."
> "Not this time, Doctor!" growled Morbius, tensing his trigger
> claw. "This time you can not escape the wrath of Morbius!"
CROW: "Unless you do something!"
> "Afraid, then, eh?" commented the Doctor.
MIKE: What, do villains legally have to fall for this trick?
> "Afraid? Of you? I am the greatest mind-battler Gallifrey has
> ever produced! Come, let's go to it!"
CROW: "Drop the kale; I know not to fall for that stunt!"
> Morbius stepped toward a convenient mind-battling machine.
TOM: Hey, that's not a mind-battling machine, that's a dollar bill
changer!
> "So
> that's what that thing was," said Linus.
CROW: "Oh, and I'm still in this story."
> Morbius and the Doctor took their places. They concentrated.
> The Doctor moaned as
MIKE: ...as Morbius ate the last of his dill pickles.
> the devilishly grinning face of his present
> incarnation appeared in the little circular screen.
TOM: Help me, Obi-wa...oh, forget it.
> "See, Doctor, losing already!" said Morbius.
> Now the screen showed his fifth incarnation wearing his famous
> "hit over the head with a spanner" face.
> The Doctor grunted and rallied.
CROW: It's not quite Churchill during the Battle of Britain, is it?
TOM: It's not quite Duke during any G.I.Joe episode.
> Morbius cursed when the screen
> showed the pompous countenance of Snoopy. The tide was beginning to
> turn!
MIKE: Isn't this a Conan O'Brien routine?
CROW: Yeah...
> But then the tide turned back, as the screen showed the fourth
> Doctor with his "mad at Nathan-Turner" scowl.
TOM: Go Andy!
CROW: Andy!
MIKE: Mad at Nathan Turner? Isn't he an ABCNews correspondent?
> This image persisted
> for a moment or two, and was then replaced by the third Doctor with
> his innocent "of course I wasn't trying to feel you up, Jo!" look.
TOM: So, the ultimate form of combat, in the Dr. Who universe, is
making faces at people.
> Sweat beaded on the Doctor's face as he strove to overcome
> Morbius' still great power.
MIKE: "Sheesh, he must take like seven D cells!"
> Sure enough, the screen now showed a
> warped concatenation of several different forms of alien life.
> Morbius howled at that, and desperately parried.
CROW: A quick uppercut with sharp curled eyebrow!
TOM: And a quick bout of tickling with some string beans!
> For an instant,
> the second Doctor's glum face appeared on the screen, but the Doctor
> had discovered Morbius' weakness,
MIKE: He secretly loves watching "Dharma and Greg."
> and thrust mentally at it. Now
> the screen showed Solon's creation with its fishbowl face.
TOM: If you keep making that face it'll freeze like that.
> Morbius cried in dispair, and with only token resistance
> allowed the Doctor to strip away his previous faces one by one onto
> the screen.
CROW: It's not just about survival, it's about humiliating your
beaten opponent!
> Then his body collapsed to the floor. Morbius had
> lost.
TOM: His keys. He would have to check with the Lost and Found
department.
> Morbius' weakness, the Doctor had discovered, was his
> incredible shame at having been in three horrible non-Time Lord
> bodies.
MIKE: And two hardboiled eggs.
> By attacking this part of Morbius' mind, the Doctor had
> been able to prevail, even though Morbius still had the stronger
> will.
CROW: So the greatest force in the universe is shame and humiliation?
MIKE: That explains so much.
> Using a spot bit of telepathy, the Doctor discovered that
> Morbius' mind, fractured in the battle, had again been reduced to
> the level of a dog.
TOM: That's the easiest level on "Civilization II."
> The Doctor felt pity for the ever-suffering
> Morbius and decided not to kill him, but instead to return him to
> Earth. Morbius would live out the rest of his days as Snoopy.
CROW: So rather than a quick, painless death, we'll cast him back to a
life of mental anguish and quiet suffering? Great hero.
> This
> should be safe, provided nobody who looked like the Doctor ever came
> around again, bringing back Morbius' memories!
TOM: And as long as nobody showed him eggplant.
> As an afterthought, the Doctor turned to Linus.
MIKE: "Have you ever considered term life insurance?"
> Using
> hypnosis, the Doctor said, "You will forget this entire incident,
> won't you?"
TOM: Oooh, he's using The Force.
> "What entire incident?" replied Linus.
CROW: So the Doctor can erase minds, but there's no need to erase the
trigger that will turn Snoopy into the epitome of evil?
> Satisfied, the Doctor
> brought this doghouse TARDIS back to Earth where it had started.
>
> "He was a great baseball player," said Peppermint Patty, "but
> he was still the funniest looking kid I've ever seen."
CROW: What was with that Roy Hobbs guy anyway?
MIKE: Hey, can I just point out that Peppermint Patty learned Snoopy
was a dog in *1974*? Okay? 24 years ago.
TOM: *Why* do you know that?
> "He just goes off to do his own thing every day," sighed
> Charlie Brown, "and comes back only to get his old supper.
MIKE: What *is* wrong with a little deficit eating anyway?
> That
> ungrateful dog, he just comes and goes as he pleases...."
TOM: Acting like he wasn't under anybody's mental control or anything.
> "What's that strange sound?" interrupted Peppermint Patty.
CROW: The Whos, are they singing in Whoville anyway?
> They looked out the window. There was the doghouse, back in
> its ordinary place.
TOM: Not that they knew it was missing.
> A confused Linus crawled out, followed by a
> confused Snoopy.
CROW: [ As Linus ] "Did we just..."
TOM: [ As Snoopy ] "I don't want to talk about it."
CROW: [ Linus ] "No, but we..."
TOM: [ Snoopy ] "I'm not going to talk about it."
MIKE: Guys, that's really vile.
> Neither of them paid any attention to the strange
> man who came out, who wasn't himself confused, but whoever had
> designed his outfit apparently had been.
CROW: He's wearing zuccini? What the...
> "Where have you been?" demanded Lucy, Linus' crabby older
> sister.
MIKE: Lucy's relationship to Linus needs explanation; celery doesn't.
Everybody on the same page now?
> "Oh, uh, just metering this letter I was going to mail...."
> "I oughtta slug you!" she said, pulling back her arm to do just
> that.
TOM: How dare you not have sufficient postage on your own!
> "Looks like everything's back to normal," commented the Doctor,
> taking his leave.
CROW: Back to the routine psychological torment! No problems.
>
> "They're all gone!" moaned Wilco.
TOM: "All my imaginary friends have run away!"
> "What a failure of a
> convention! The audience has all gone in disgust! I'm out my life
> savings! What will I do?"
MIKE: "I know! I'll put on a musical!"
> The Doctor got out of a taxi and ran into the convention hall.
CROW: "I just feel very strongly about seeing the convention hall."
> He rushed up to the stage, passing a very bewildered Roger Wilco,
> and entered the police box on the stage. "Oh no, this isn't the
> TARDIS, it's just a prop!" he cursed.
MIKE: And this! This isn't a convention hall! It's a pizza place in
Binghamton, New York! And you! You're not my father! You're
SuperChicken!
> "Of course," muttered Wilco. "Who do you think you are, the
> Doctor?"
> "Yes, as a matter of fact. Want my autograph?"
CROW: How would he sign autographs? He doesn't have a name, just
'The Doctor.'
TOM: "Wow, I got Anonymous's signature!"
> Wilco left in misery.
MIKE: Okay, now, he's seen two Tardises appear out of midair, seen people
claiming to be the Doctor and a Time Lord running about, and
vanishing instantly, and he hasn't connected that just maybe
something a little weird is going on?
CROW: If he's the embodiment of the author, then he's the most pathetic
personal character we've seen in years.
> Tom Baker, Ian Marter, and Elisabeth
> Sladen had all been here and left before he could get any of their
> autographs.
CROW: He even ran out of sugar beets before the day was half over.
> Now this nut, this Colin Baker lookalike claiming to be
> the Doctor, was adding insult to injury.
TOM: Like Wilco's own parents didn't harm him enough?
> Wilco was contemplating
> various means of suicide.
>
> "The scanner shows that the other TARDIS has returned to
> Earth," Peri said.
CROW: Oh, no, wait, they're going to Atlantic City.
> "Marvelous," said Baker. "I've just managed to land us
> somewhere.
MIKE: Methane atmospheres okay with everybody?
> Which of these opens the viewscreen? Ah, this one!"
> The viewscreen opened, revealing a quarry of some kind.
TOM: The famed three-bean salad mines of Landru!
> "Well,
> that could be one of any number of places the Doctor's been to...."
> said Sladen.
MIKE: We're in the matte department! Run!
> "Just try to get us back to Earth," suggested Marter.
> "Righto. Back to Earth."
CROW: What were they trying to accomplish, again?
> The poor actor who had once played
> the Doctor looked authoritatively at the controls as if he had the
> slightest idea how to operate them.
MIKE: Frantically searching for an 'undo' button.
> "I'm getting the hang of
> this... Let's see, this will definitely get us back to Earth!" he
> said, pressing several buttons and flipping a couple of switches.
TOM: "We're landing in Kazhakstan, that okay by you?"
> Peri, the only one who'd ever really been in a TARDIS before,
> sighed.
CROW: [ As Peri ] "You idiots are just playing the Doctor's home movies
on the viewscreen..."
>
> The Doctor soon heard a familiar sound. Sure enough, a TARDIS
> materialized on stage. He produced his key and opened the door.
MIKE: [ Waving arms ] Ack!
TOM: [ Coughing ]
CROW: Bleah! The switch for the fan is in there for a reason, people!
> "Thank God we're back!" exclaimed Sladen.
> "What, did you doubt my ability?" asked Baker.
MIKE: "Just because a completely untrained unqualified person was
directing a highly advanced piece of technology capable of
dropping them completely at random throughout all of time
and space, you were worried?"
> "Let's just get out of here!" suggested Marter.
CROW: They have no idea what to do with brussel sprouts!
> The three left
> the TARDIS in a very big hurry.
> "Who were all those people, Doctor?" asked Peri.
TOM: So, Peri is incapable of independent thought and action, is she?
> "I don't know. I don't think I want to know. What say we go
> for a nice long holiday somewhere, Peri?"
CROW: How about Arbor Day? Or maybe the New Jersey Big Sea Day?
> "Might as well try one more time, Doctor!" said Peri.
>
> -OO WA OO-
MIKE: Isn't that the closing theme to Murphy Brown?
TOM: Yay, we can leave!
CROW: So? You still owe Gypsy that money.
TOM: Oops.
[ ALL leave. ]
[ 1.. 2.. 3.. 4.. 5.. 6.. ]
[ INT SOL. MIKE and CROW are standing behind the table, with the TIME
MACHINE (from "Terror in the year 5000" props) on the right. ]
MIKE: So you insist you have a way to help us figure out what's with the
celery?
CROW: More than insist, Michael...I *know*.
[ TOM, running and screaming, enters from left, chased by GYPSY. ]
GYPSY: Give me back my seven cents!
TOM: I lost it! Honest!
[ TOM and GYPSY run out to the right. ]
CROW: TOM! Tom, come here, boy.
[ TOM ducks in from the right. ]
CROW: Good boy. Want a safe hiding place?
TOM: Desperately!
CROW: [ As MIKE pats the TIME MACHINE ] Come right in, she'll never find you.
[ TOM enters the machine; it immediately starts special effects shots. ]
MIKE: So, uh, what's with sending him through time?
CROW: Easy. I figure if we send Tom back a hundred million years or so,
that'll create a huge spacetime anomaly. Some Time Lord is bound to
notice that, and go to Tom to figure out what he's doing there. He'll
lead them back to *us* and then we can ask...
[ COMMUNICATION light starts flashing. ]
MIKE: On the Hex Field View Screen. Cambot, could you put that up, please?
Thanks.
[ HFVS opens up. Inside is the TIME LORD'S ASSISTANT, dressed as MARY
RICHARDS. TOM, with the top of his head removed and the gumball dome
filled with 'broken back' pens -- the ones with the sharp crick
about two-thirds of the way up, that straighten out again -- is
to her side. ]
TLA: Uhm...hi there, everyone...hello.
TOM: Help me!
MIKE: Tom! Are you well? Are they taking good care of you?
CROW: Hi, ma'am. Are you now, or have you ever been, a Time Lord?
TLA: Oh, gee, no, I haven't been. I mean, I'm the assistant Time Lord, but,
you know, that means, all the paperwork, the administrative duties,
that sort of thing.
TOM: Fine! Can I go home now!
TLA: Yeah, sure, little robot...scurry along, or whatever it is you do.
TOM: Thanks. [ Slides out of HFVS shot. ]
CROW: Anyway, ma'am, your boss is a Time Lord?
TLA: Oh yes, yes, he just goes in his office and practically Time Lords
the day away, it seems.
MIKE: Great. We have a question about the Doctor, if you don't mind.
TLA: Well, he's...okay, I guess he's a...you see, the thing is, his degree
is in chiropractic care...but that counts. Really.
CROW: Okay. Does he wear a piece of celery on his lapel?
TLA: [ Bemused / skeptical ] It depends on what he's had for lunch.
MIKE: But when he does, he's got a reason for it, right?
TLA: Very much so. He, uh, watches, if the celery changes color he knows
certain gases he's sensitive to are present.
CROW: Oh, my, that makes a lot of sense, then.
TIME LORD: [ Bellowing, from off screen ] Hey! You willing to bring me some
coffee?
TLA: [ Calling back ] Not for the past six years, remember?
TIME LORD: [ After a pause, yelling back ] Oh yeah. Never mind.
TLA: Aw, look, I can't lie to you. He just doesn't like wearing a bib is
all.
MIKE: Aw, well, that's not too bad.
TLA: It's embarrasing...look, I have to get back to work, but, you know,
I'm having a little after-dinner party tonight, if you want to talk
to my boss then, you know...
[ TOM shows up by CROW. His head is filled with 'broken back' pens still. ]
MIKE: That's okay, thank you. We shouldn't keep you from your work any
more.
TLA: Right. Feel free to call up anytime, now.
MIKE: Thank you, you too.
TLA: [ As HFVS closes up ] Goodbye.
CROW: Nice lady.
MIKE: Yeah. I bet she'd make it on her own.
TOM: Ah-hem. Crow, what was with the idea of sending me back a hundred
million years in time?
CROW: We had to draw out a Time Lord somehow, right? Besides, they got you
back quick enough, right?
TOM: They *retrieved* me minutes after I got there. But they thought I
was a conversation piece for their waiting room! I've been stuck in
that room for five years!
MIKE: What? Didn't you tell them where you came from, who you were?
TOM: They thought *that* was the conversation!
CROW: Ah. Oh well. No harm done.
MIKE: And we got these nice pens, too. [ Removes one. ] I always liked these.
TOM: Oh yeah, and Gypsy's probably forgotten whatever had her so mad at
me. It's been years.
CROW: Well, it's been years for you.
MIKE: For us, it's been more like, three minutes.
TOM: Uh-oh...
[ TOM runs off to the left, as GYPSY enters from the right. ]
GYPSY: What's eating Tom?
MIKE: He figures you're still mad at him.
GYPSY: About what?
CROW: The seven cents he owes you.
GYPSY: Oh, that! I forgot all about it.
TOM: [ Crawling back in. ] So I'm forgiven?
GYPSY: Not now that I'm reminded.
TOM: Oh!
[ GYPSY chases TOM off camera. ]
[ MADS light begins flashing ]
MIKE: Oh, those two...ah well. Wonder how Pixie and Dixie and Mr. Jinx
are doing.
[ MIKE taps MADS SIGN ]
[ INT. STUCKEYS. OBSERVER, PEARL, and BOBO are sitting on the floor.
OBSERVER is wriggling the kazoo in his brain, wincing with each
motion. BOBO looks sheepish. PEARL is still silently furious. ]
OBSERVER: [ Voice still filtered through Kazoo. ] Go ahead and guess, Nelson.
BOBO: [ Reaches over, coos apologetically, wriggles the kazoo. ]
OBSERVER: Aaaah! [ Winces in pain. ] That's it. [ Curls hand, winds up to
punch BOBO. ]
PEARL: [ Puts up hand, stopping OBSERVER's punch. ]
OBSERVER: All right.
PEARL: [ Turns to BOBO, begins slapping with both hands. ]
OBSERVER: [ As BOBO whimpers and PEARL continues slapping ] And let that be
a lesson to you all. Until next time, mere ones.
\ | /
\ | /
\ | /
--- o ---
/ | \
/ | \
/ | \
Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations
are trademarks of and Copyright Best Brains, inc. Peanuts and its
related characters and situations are the creation of Charles Schulz
and trademarks of and copyright United Feature Syndicate. Dr. Who and
its related characters and situations are trademarks of and copyright
the British Broadcasting Corporation. The story "That's Just Peanuts
To Space" is the creation of R. Hall. No infringement on the original
copyrights or trademarks held by Best Brains Inc, United Feature
Syndicate, the British Broadcasting Corporation, or R. Hall is intended
or should be inferred. Should any Copyrightable material remain, such
then belongs to Joseph Nebus. The title "That's Just Peanuts To Space"
is taken from "The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy," the full text of
which helpful Douglas Adams fans have thoughtfully put on the Internet
without providing any means for Adams or his publisher to earn any money
from it. This MiSTing is intended solely for personal entertainment and
is not meant to be an insult to the creators or fans of Peanuts or Dr.
Who, nor to R. Hall, or to any other person or organization referenced
in any way. I did know an R. Hall when I attended Rutgers University,
but have no evidence he was responsible for this story.
> "They're all gone!" moaned Wilco. "What a failure of a
> convention! The audience has all gone in disgust!"
Sheryl Gere
All I can say is Owieowieowie....what possses some
people to write things like that?
Good job, and you're a braver man than I am, Gunga Din.
Sheryl, sheesh...
--
"The"Sheryl, MSTie #12802
Filker, B5 fan and Bookaholic
Gene Police! You! Out of the pool!