MSTed: Stephen Ratliff's "Falling Into Command". (6/6)
JAREK
[SOL]
[Mike and the bots are at the console, looking dejected and tired. The bots
are whimpering softly.]
CROW: Okay, Mike, I gotta know... what the *hell* did you do to piss off
Dr. Forrester?
MIKE: What are you talking about?
CROW: Well, you show up, and all of a sudden Dr. F's hitting us with big,
heaping portions of Ratliff! The experiments were *never* this bad
when Joel was here!
TOM SERVO: WAIT a minute, Crow... what about "Castle of Fu Manchu"? What
about "Manos"?
CROW: Okay, they came close, but "Manos" wasn't a twelve-part series! How
much of this are we supposed to *take*?! [Crow bursts into tears.]
MIKE: Crow, listen to me... I know it hurts. I'm sitting right there in the
theater watching the same fanfic as you, buddy! Now I don't know how
this guy Joel was when he was here and maybe Dr. F did have some kind
of grudge against me... but who's been there to help you whenever you
needed it? Who scraped you off the hull before you melted down
completely? Huh? I know the Ratliff is hitting us hard, but don't
forget: I helped you get through all the other Ratliff torture devices,
I got you through this one and I'll be here whenever you need me.
CROW [sniffling]: Thanks, Mike. I really am glad you're here. And I'm sorry
I lashed out like that. Hey, what am I doing bringing
everybody down? It's time to party! We got through
another Ratliff story! The experiment's finished, Dr. F is
history and the worst is over!
MIKE: Shhh! Crow, don't say that!
CROW: Why not?
MIKE: Because every time somebody says that, things suddenly get worse!
CROW: They do?
TOM SERVO: Hey guys, something's coming through on the hexfield!
[The hexfield opens to reveal a man who strongly resembles Paul Chaplin. He
is wearing a Starfleet uniform from Star Trek:The Next Generation with the
red and black colors of command officers. He also wears nerdy glasses and a
Star Trek:TNG communicator pin. As the hexfield opens, we see that he has
just finished tapping the communicator pin, and is bringing his hand back
down. The background shows a brightly colored room with cute posters on the
wall.]
RATLIFF: This is Admiral Stephen B. Ratliff, calling the crew of the
Satellite of Love. Come in, Satellite of Love!
MIKE: See, Crow? What did I tell you?
CROW: Jeez, I'm sorry! How was I supposed to know...
TOM SERVO: Uh, greetings, "Admiral" Ratliff. [snicker] Still excessively
pleased with yourself for getting that rank in your roleplaying
group, huh?
RATLIFF: Why yes, Mr. Servo, it certainly is an honor! It is a rank that I
claim with pride, for without my rank...
[spoken simultaneously]
RATLIFF: / ... I am nothing.
<
MIKE & BOTS: \ ... you are nothing.
CROW: What makes you think the rank changes that?
MIKE: Crow! Hush! So, um, Admiral Ratliff...
RATLIFF: Oh please, as one space traveller to another, call me Steve! All
the kids do!
MIKE: Okay, Steve, to what do we owe the honor of this... excuse me, did you
say "kids"?
RATLIFF: Yes, that's right! I'm calling you from the Ratliff Daycare Center,
and I just wanted to say that...
MIKE: Uh, Steve? Excuse us for a second. Tom?
[Tom tilts so that his hand can reach the console. An electronic beep is
heard.]
TOM SERVO: Audio pickup off.
MIKE: Thank you.
[Mike, Crow and Tom all turn towards the camera and scream in terror for an
impossibly long time.]
CROW: Oh my God! Oh my God...
TOM SERVO: [shaking his head] Aggida aggida aggida aggida...
MIKE: Crow! Tom! Pull yourselves together! We can't panic now! We have to
assess the situation! Tom, put us back on!
[Tom tilts again to reach the console. The same electronic beep is heard
again. Mike, Tom and Crow all turn back to the hexfield viewscreen.]
MIKE: Uh... sorry, Steve. Just a little... um... trouble on the Satellite
that we, uh... had to deal with. You know how it is. Now, um, did you
say that you were, uh, calling from the Ratliff... D-d-d-day...
RATLIFF: Ratliff Daycare Center, that's right!
[Mike and the bots involuntarily flinch at this.]
MIKE: Yes. That's what I thought you said. And, um, am I to understand that
*you*... um, *work*... in this...
RATLIFF: Why yes, I've been quite happily watching over these children and
aiding in their development for quite some time now!
MIKE: I see. Could I just ask you a question?
RATLIFF: Certainly.
[Mike starts to speak, but Tom Servo interrupts.]
TOM SERVO [hysterically]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING IN A DAYCARE CENTER
AMONG IMPRESSIONABLE YOUNG CHILDREN, RATLIFF?!?!?
[pause]
MIKE: Well, I was going to put it a little more delicately than that, but...
RATLIFF: Well, you probably already know from reading my stories that I'm
very fond of children.
MIKE: Um, yeah. We kinda figured.
RATLIFF: Well, I got to thinking about what you guys said the last time we
talked... about how I've never really done anything important. It
really bothered me, so I asked myself: "How can I change this?
What's the most meaningful thing that I could do?" And then,
suddenly... wham! It hit me! What could be more important and
meaningful than working with little children, helping them to
realize their full potential and be all that they're capable of
being?
MIKE: Okay. And that's when you decided to start your own... D-d-d...
RATLIFF: Actually, it's owned by a cousin of mine with the same last name. I
told him how eager I was to work with kids and he hired me on! I
must say, this whole experience has been wonderful and I have you
guys to thank for it!
MIKE: Uh huh. Tom?
[Tom leans over to the console. Beep.]
TOM SERVO: Mute.
MIKE: Oh boy. It's as bad as I thought.
CROW: And we gave him the idea! My God, it's all our fault!
MIKE: Crow, none of us could have known that he'd take what we said and run
with it in *this* direction! Working for a daycare center... how could
we have guessed? There's just one slim hope... maybe this foray of his
into the real world with real kids around him has forced him to
re-evaluate his ideas and pay attention to reality?
TOM SERVO: Mike... wake up and smell the coffee! You're talking about a man
who's standing there in a *Starfleet* uniform and calling himself
*Admiral Ratliff*!!!
MIKE: These things take time, Tom... maybe he's gradually giving up his
fantasy world! Let's find out...
[Tom leans over to the console. Beep.]
MIKE: So, Steve, what have you learned from your experiences with little
children?
RATLIFF: Well, I've learned that these children need a *lot* of attention...
there's just so much that needs to be done for them! Why, most of
these kids haven't even been allowed to drive a car yet, let alone
negotiate a treaty or command a ship! No wonder these kids don't
have a large enough ego in them... nobody's let them live up to
their full potential! Well, I say that these children have been
neglected for far too long! It's about time that they receive the
Kid's Crew training that they deserve!
MIKE: Kid's... Crew... training?
RATLIFF: That's right! How are these kids going to survive in the world of
the future when they've constantly been held back by all the short-
sighted, narrow-minded people around them? But don't worry, all of
that is about to change now that the Ratliff Daycare Center has
become the new home of the Kid's Crew Training Academy! No more
just writing and dreaming about a world where kids call the shots
and crack the whips for *me*! No sir! Now it's my job to make sure
that this vision of paradise actually comes true for all to enjoy!
Pretty neat, huh?
[Tom Servo is gibbering incoherently as smoke rises from out of the top of
his shaking head.]
CROW: [twitching spastically] Visions... of... horror... flooding in! Ego...
defenses... collapsing! Hope... fading! Mental... stabilizers...
failing! Shutdown... imminent!
MIKE: Um... yeah. That's really... something. Listen, Steve, I think you
may have forgotten something here. All this work you're doing at the
d-daycare center... aren't you worried that it won't leave you with
enough time to write? You might not be able to post any more Marrissa
stories, and I don't want to see that happen!
CROW & TOM: *WHAT?!?*
[Mike hits the spot on the console that Tom had pressed before. Beep.]
MIKE: Listen, you guys! We're the ones who put this idea into his head!
Maybe he'll listen to us long enough for us to talk him out of it!
We've got to try before he does any more damage!
TOM SERVO: But... Mike! Asking Ratliff to write more stories? *MORE*
Ratliff stories for Mrs. Forrester to force us to read?! Do you
*realize* what you're *saying*?!?
MIKE: Yes I do, Servo! It's either that, or watch the Earth get turned into
a playground for Ratliff's answer to the Hitler Youth! I think the
choice is clear!
CROW: So do I! Let the planet take its chances!
TOM SERVO: Mike, I've got to agree! Those Ratliff stories keep wearing us
down more and more every time! And the Earth can take care of
itself, Mike! They're not helpless down there!
MIKE: Guys, that's *my* planet down there! I want to get back to it someday,
and I *won't* let it be overrun by a bunch of Marrissa clones! My
mind's made up! If enduring more Ratliff stories is what it takes to
nip this Kid's Crew thing in the bud, then that's what we're going to
have to do!
[Mike hits the spot on the console again. Beep.]
MIKE: Steve, I think we spoke out of turn before when we implied that you
hadn't done anything important. Look at your Marrissa stories!
They've brought to life a wonderful new world never before imagined!
You've written things that no one ever had the courage or audacity to
write before! Your ideas have challenged social mores and sparked
discussions all over the Internet! You don't have to do this to
impress us! Please, Steve, I'm begging you... go back to writing your
stories and leave those poor kids alone!
RATLIFF: Well, Mike, much as I'd like to go back to writing more thrilling
Marrissa adventures, I'm afraid there's just too much that needs to
be done right here! There'll be plenty of time to write more
exploits of the Kid's Crew once these kids and others like them are
out there having adventures of their own! Let me tell you, the
Kid's Crew spirit is a beautiful thing, but it needs to be nurtured
and patiently encouraged before it can reach its full potential!
Remember that 7 year old girl who flew a plane all by herself a
while back? Now *there* was a perfect example of the Kid's Crew
spirit in action! Oh sure, she crashed the plane and killed
herself, but with the proper Kid's Crew training, who knows what she
could have done? She could have been flying a commercial jet
airliner by the age of 10!
MIKE: Steve, wait a second. Maybe you should...
RATLIFF: And there's so many other examples, Mike! There's the boy who flew
a plane in "San Francisco International"! Doogie Hawser, M.D.!
The kids in "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians"! Short Round in
"Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom"! Macaulay Culkin in "Home
Alone"! Why, even the Bible says that you must be as a child to
inherit the Kingdom! And how about those kids in that old Star Trek
episode who shook their fists and told the Enterprise crew what to
do? Now *there* was a Kid's Crew that knew how to get things done!
[At this point a buzz is heard through the hexfield, along with the sound of
Star Trek doors sliding open. Then a group of little kids can be heard
approaching Ratliff as he turns his head to the side to look.]
RATLIFF: Ah! Speaking of good Kid's Crews, here comes mine now!
[Ratliff turns to the side the kids are approaching from and stoops down a
bit to see and hear them better. The kids are all wearing little Starfleet
uniforms.]
LITTLE BOY: Admiral Steve! Admiral Steve! We got the best Kobayashi Maru
time yet! Eighteen minutes and thirty-five seconds!
RATLIFF: That's wonderful, Cadet Billy! I'm very proud of you! But you're
still going to have to beat twenty minutes and three seconds to be
as good as Marrissa!
LITTLE GIRL: Ow! Admiral Steve, Cadet Lisa just pulled my hair and called me
a name!
RATLIFF: What did I tell you to do when that happens?
LITTLE GIRL: Oh yeah!
[She runs offscreen then comes back quickly with a pitcher of strawberry
juice and pours it over Cadet Lisa's head.]
CADET LISA: WAAAAHHHH!!!
RATLIFF: Okay, cadets, now go over to the story area! I'll give you some
strawberry shortcake and strawberry juice and read to you about how
Marrissa Amber Flores Picard solved that nasty Naklab problem! The
story is called: "Who Q? Where Q?"
CROW & TOM: AAAAUUUUGGGGHHHH!!!
MIKE: [shocked] How can he do that to those kids?!
ANOTHER LITTLE BOY: Wait! Admiral Ratliff! We're out of strawberry juice!
Cadet Janie dumped it all on Cadet Lisa's head!
RATLIFF: Hmm... we'll have to get some more. Cadet Todd, what's your score
on the Pole Position game in the daycare center playroom?
CADET TODD: I've got the third highest, why?
RATLIFF: That sounds good enough. Here, take my keys... drive down to the
store and get some strawberry juice.
CADET TODD: Okay!
CROW: What?! NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
TOM SERVO: Make it stop! MAKE IT STOP!!!
[Right on cue, a loud knocking is heard from the door of the daycare center.]
OFFSCREEN VOICE: Open up! This is the police!
CROW: All right! It's the law! And not a moment too soon!
TOM SERVO: See, Mike? I *told* you Earth could take care of itself!
RATLIFF: All right, cadets, red alert! Everyone man your battle stations!
This is *not* a drill! Prepare to repel adults!
[The kids scramble to their "battle stations" as Ratliff walks to the daycare
center door and opens it.]
POLICE OFFICER: Mr. Ratliff?
RATLIFF: That's *Admiral* Ratliff!
[pause]
POLICE OFFICER: Okay... *Admiral* Ratliff. I'm here to investigate
complaints of child neglect, contributing to the delinquency
of minors and endangering the welfare of children that have
been filed against this daycare center....
RATLIFF: But officer, these kids have a Kobayashi Maru time of eighteen
minutes and thirty-five seconds!
[pause]
POLICE OFFICER: That so? Well, in that case, I don't see any problem here.
Go about your business, Admiral. Sorry to have bothered
you...
[The daycare center door closes.]
CROW: Wait! Come back! You have to stop him!!!
RATLIFF: See, cadets? I told you it would be all right!
MIKE: Steve? How the hell did you...
RATLIFF: Oh, you'd be surprised what you can get away with here in Roanoke!
Well, it's been fun, but I've got to go... it's story time, after
all, and then I've got to preside over the wedding of Cadets Robbie
and Tina. Those kids make such a cute couple! They're going to be
so good for each other! Well, see you later! Live long and
prosper! Admiral Ratliff out!
[Ratliff taps his communications pin, and the hexfield viewscreen closes.]
TOM SERVO: Okay, I admit it. You were right, Mike....
CROW: *Now* what do we do?!
MIKE: There's only one thing left to do. It's a long shot, but right now
it's the only shot we've got....
[Mike hits the Mads button. It lights up.]
MIKE: Um, Mrs. Forrester? We just finished talking with one of your favorite
authors down in Roanoke, and there's something we think you should
know...
[Deep 13]
MRS. FORRESTER: [listening to Mike] Uh huh. Uh huh. Well, guys, I
appreciate the concern, but I really wouldn't worry about him
taking over the world before my Clayton does. After all,
they're just kids! Why should I worry about my Clayton
getting beaten by a bunch of kids?
[The doorbell for Deep 13 rings at this point.]
MRS. FORRESTER: Excuse me, guys, I'd better go answer that.... [Walks toward
the door] Who is it?
VOICE BEHIND DOOR: Girl Scouts. Would you like to buy some cookies?
MRS. FORRESTER: [heading for the door] Oh, how nice. What kind of cookies
do you have?
[Mrs. Forrester opens the door, and looks outside. Someone on the other side
of the door fires a phaser at Mrs. F., and appropriately cheap special
effects accompany the shot as she collapses to the floor. A group of
five little girls in Girl Scout uniforms enter Deep 13, followed by three
little boys in Starfleet uniforms. Everyone in the group is holding a
phaser at the ready. One Girl Scout starts giving orders to the other
kids.]
GIRL SCOUT: Alpha team, you go that way! Beta team, down that hallway! Use
your phaser to knock out any opposition you encounter. Go!
[Two groups, each composed of two girls and one boy, run off in opposite
directions. The Girl Scout turns to the boy in Starfleet uniform who
remains with her.]
GIRL SCOUT: Report in to the admiral.
[The boy taps his communications pin.]
LITTLE BOY: Admiral, our teams are now inside Deep 13. Mrs. Forrester has
been neutralized, and we expect to have the entire facility
secured very soon.
RATLIFF [over comm pin]: Very good, my Kid's Crew! Now listen closely... our
new Chief Engineer has something he wants to say to
you.
DR. FORRESTER [over comm pin]: Hello, Untamed Youths! Make sure that you
don't damage any of the lab equipment... I'm
sure you'll find a great many things down
there that can be used to make any adults that
stand in your way completely useless! Oh, and
if you're listening, Mother... remember when I
told you that I'd be ruling the world without
your help? Well, look who was right... AGAIN!
[Dr. F. laughs in his patented Evil Mad
Scientist way... loudly, triumphantly and
diabolically.]
RATLIFF [over comm pin]: That's right, my children! Soon you'll have no
obstacles between you and your rightful place as
world dominators! Congraduations, all of you!
Admiral Ratliff out.
[The Girl Scout turns menacingly and points to the camera.]
GIRL SCOUT: And as for you jokers up there... you who would *mock* the
achievements of the Kid's Crew and its beloved Admiral Ratliff...
how does the thought of spending the rest of your natural lives
up there reading about the glorious conquests of the Kid's Crew
make you feel?! There's one small difference, though... the next
Kid's Crew adventures that you will be forced to read will *NOT*
be works of fiction!
[The Girl Scout throws back her head and laughs maniacally.]
GIRL SCOUT: Push the button, Cadet Frank!
[The boy in Starfleet uniform pushes the button.]
[The screen shrinks to a dot.]
[Closing credits]
Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and
situations are trademarks of and (c) 1997 by Best Brains,
Inc. All rights reserved.
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment
purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or
trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be
inferred.
Thanks go out to:
STEPHEN B. RATLIFF, who takes the biblical injunction "And I will give
children to be their princes, and babes shall rule over
them." (Isaiah 3:4) MUCH too literally. Without him,
none of this would have been possible.
MY CO-WRITERS, for their time, their humor, their insights and their ideas.
NEUR...@IX.NETCOM.COM, for providing inspirations for the Deep 13 portions
of the opening and closing host segments (along with
a little help from Trace's answers at the Conventio-
Con 2's Q&A session...).
DAVID CONNER, for helping to develop my idea for the Tom Clancy host segment.
MR. B TORGO, who won a well-deserved award at Conventio-Con 2 by scaring the
living daylights out of most of the people in the ballroom, and
thereby inspired the Mr. B Ratliff host segment.
MIKE BARKLAGE, for putting a host segment in "Time Speeder" (the best damn
Stephen Ratliff MSTing so far, IMHO) that inspired the Ratliff
Daycare Center.
THE SCI-FI CHANNEL, for providing the chance to MSTify "Day The World Ended"
live via IRC and for moving its logo to satisfy some of
its newly acquired MST3K viewers.
BEST BRAINS, INC., for keeping the MST3K dream alive in the face of yet
another cast re-arrangement.
BILL CORBETT, the rookie who stepped up and executed to the best of his
ability after Best Brains lost their veteran center Trace
Beaulieu to free agency.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
> "Jeffery was quite
>fascinated with my equipment. I promised to give him a tour sometime.
Stephen Ratliff
JAREK (v335...@ubvms.cc.buffalo.edu) wrote:
:
: TOM SERVO: Hey guys, something's coming through on the hexfield!
:
: [The hexfield opens to reveal a man who strongly resembles Paul Chaplin. He
: is wearing a Starfleet uniform from Star Trek:The Next Generation with the
: red and black colors of command officers. He also wears nerdy glasses and a
: Star Trek:TNG communicator pin. As the hexfield opens, we see that he has
: just finished tapping the communicator pin, and is bringing his hand back
: down. The background shows a brightly colored room with cute posters on the
: wall.]
:
: RATLIFF: This is Admiral Stephen B. Ratliff, calling the crew of the
: Satellite of Love. Come in, Satellite of Love!
:
: MIKE: See, Crow? What did I tell you?
:
: CROW: Jeez, I'm sorry! How was I supposed to know...
:
: TOM SERVO: Uh, greetings, "Admiral" Ratliff. [snicker] Still excessively
: pleased with yourself for getting that rank in your roleplaying
: group, huh?
:
: RATLIFF: Why yes, Mr. Servo, it certainly is an honor! It is a rank that I
: claim with pride, for without my rank...
:
: [spoken simultaneously]
: RATLIFF: / ... I am nothing.
: <
: MIKE & BOTS: \ ... you are nothing.
For the record ... I do not do trek roleplaying. I do function as a
Traveller DM and play Dungons and Dragons on occasion.
: CROW: What makes you think the rank changes that?
:
: MIKE: Crow! Hush! So, um, Admiral Ratliff...
:
: RATLIFF: Oh please, as one space traveller to another, call me Steve! All
: the kids do!
:
: MIKE: Okay, Steve, to what do we owe the honor of this... excuse me, did you
: say "kids"?
:
: RATLIFF: Yes, that's right! I'm calling you from the Ratliff Daycare Center,
: and I just wanted to say that...
:
Day care ... you've got me running a Day care Center... Excuse me...
[Lots of swearing is heard off-screen]
Monsenior Grealish ... when would be a good time for confession.
Tuesday at 7, thank you.
... sorry about that. I spent 6 years helping out with during Sunday
School Nursery. While I like little children, I like them in limited
numbers.
: RATLIFF: Well, I got to thinking about what you guys said the last time we
: talked... about how I've never really done anything important. It
: really bothered me, so I asked myself: "How can I change this?
: What's the most meaningful thing that I could do?" And then,
: suddenly... wham! It hit me!
I'm 22. If I have done something really important by now I'd be a
genuis. You know I'm not.
What could be more important and
: meaningful than working with little children, helping them to
: realize their full potential and be all that they're capable of
: being?
Nice words.
:
: MIKE: Okay. And that's when you decided to start your own... D-d-d...
:
: RATLIFF: Actually, it's owned by a cousin of mine with the same last name. I
: told him how eager I was to work with kids and he hired me on! I
: must say, this whole experience has been wonderful and I have you
: guys to thank for it!
Never happen I've only got 3 cousins with my last name (first cousins at
least)
:
: RATLIFF: And there's so many other examples, Mike! There's the boy who flew
: a plane in "San Francisco International"! Doogie Hawser, M.D.!
: The kids in "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians"! Short Round in
: "Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom"! Macaulay Culkin in "Home
: Alone"! Why, even the Bible says that you must be as a child to
: inherit the Kingdom! And how about those kids in that old Star Trek
: episode who shook their fists and told the Enterprise crew what to
: do? Now *there* was a Kid's Crew that knew how to get things done!
Greesh ... I promise you you'll never here this rant from me.
:
: POLICE OFFICER: That so? Well, in that case, I don't see any problem here.
: Go about your business, Admiral. Sorry to have bothered
: you...
:
: [The daycare center door closes.]
:
: CROW: Wait! Come back! You have to stop him!!!
:
: RATLIFF: See, cadets? I told you it would be all right!
:
: MIKE: Steve? How the hell did you...
:
: RATLIFF: Oh, you'd be surprised what you can get away with here in Roanoke!
: Well, it's been fun, but I've got to go... it's story time, after
: all, and then I've got to preside over the wedding of Cadets Robbie
: and Tina. Those kids make such a cute couple! They're going to be
: so good for each other! Well, see you later! Live long and
: prosper! Admiral Ratliff out!
:
I'd like (with the hope that it will be the last time) to remind you all
that Marrissa and Jay did not get married until both of them where in
there twenties.
:
[Cut scene about Kid's Crew take over of Deep 13]
You know I enjoyed that take over scene, but I also hated it ... I would
like to note that I like the portrayal of me. I'd have stonger words
for it, but I like to maintain a gentlemanly response to these MSTings
of my work.
:
: [The screen shrinks to a dot.]
:
: Thanks go out to:
:
: STEPHEN B. RATLIFF, who takes the biblical injunction "And I will give
: children to be their princes, and babes shall rule over
: them." (Isaiah 3:4) MUCH too literally. Without him,
: none of this would have been possible.
Hmmm... first time I've read that quote, so I guess I better see the
context.
:
: MY CO-WRITERS, for their time, their humor, their insights and their ideas.
:
: NEUR...@IX.NETCOM.COM, for providing inspirations for the Deep 13 portions
: of the opening and closing host segments (along with
: a little help from Trace's answers at the Conventio-
: Con 2's Q&A session...).
:
: DAVID CONNER, for helping to develop my idea for the Tom Clancy host segment.
I'd like to note, that I've never read any of Tom Clancy's work.
:
: MR. B TORGO, who won a well-deserved award at Conventio-Con 2 by scaring the
: living daylights out of most of the people in the ballroom, and
: thereby inspired the Mr. B Ratliff host segment.
I knew I shouldn't have used my middle initail on this group.
:
: MIKE BARKLAGE, for putting a host segment in "Time Speeder" (the best damn
: Stephen Ratliff MSTing so far, IMHO) that inspired the Ratliff
: Daycare Center.
Note: The ASC Awards post for Best MSTing has been crossposted to this
group.
:
: THE SCI-FI CHANNEL, for providing the chance to MSTify "Day The World Ended"
: live via IRC and for moving its logo to satisfy some of
: its newly acquired MST3K viewers.
:
: BEST BRAINS, INC., for keeping the MST3K dream alive in the face of yet
: another cast re-arrangement.
:
: BILL CORBETT, the rookie who stepped up and executed to the best of his
: ability after Best Brains lost their veteran center Trace
: Beaulieu to free agency.
:
Oh, and as to Jeffery Gordon ... He's not getting that medical degree
until he is 24. And I've finally found a name for Clara and Alex's
daughter Athena Alexis Rozhenko.
Stephen... who will be trying out some new proofreaders this spring.
--
Stephen Ratliff CS Major, Radford University.
srat...@runet.edu Radford, Virginia 24142-7496
rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc's polite target. Marrissa Stories Author
http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/
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ASC Awards run from 2/02/97 to 3/19/97 see alt.startrek.creative for
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"I assure you that at the first sign of betrayal, I will kill him
(Garak). But I promise to bring the body back intact."
"I assume that's a joke."
"We'll see."
-Worf and Sisko, DS9's "In Purgatory's Shadow"
Kevin Gowen
:
>: STEPHEN B. RATLIFF, who takes the biblical injunction "And I will give
>: children to be their princes, and babes shall rule over
>: them." (Isaiah 3:4) MUCH too literally. Without him,
>: none of this would have been possible.
>Hmmm... first time I've read that quote, so I guess I better see the
>context.
Not much context, required actually. Whenever the Bible speaks of being
ruled over by either women, children, or servants, it's *always* a Bad
Thing, and an indication that Things Just Aren't the Way They're Supposed
To Be. Giving you a big hint, Jarek was, hmmmm? (<-- Yoda voice)
-kevin
kgo...@efn.org
JAREK
Stephen Ratliff (srat...@runet.edu) wrote:
>JAREK (v335...@ubvms.cc.buffalo.edu) wrote:
>
>For the record ... I do not do trek roleplaying. I do function as a
>Traveller DM and play Dungons and Dragons on occasion.
spoke to Mike and the bots on any occasion... did you?
>:
>: RATLIFF: Yes, that's right! I'm calling you from the Ratliff Daycare
Center,
>: and I just wanted to say that...
>:
>Day care ... you've got me running a Day care Center... Excuse me...
>
>[Lots of swearing is heard off-screen]
>Monsenior Grealish ... when would be a good time for confession.
>Tuesday at 7, thank you.
>
>School Nursery. While I like little children, I like them in limited
>numbers.
when they're not sitting at the controls of a nuclear submarine or placed in
charge of the ICBM targeting computers at NORAD or determining the course of
international relations or any such equivalent in the futuristic Star Trek
universe.
As for the swearing, I will reserve comment on that until further on in this
post....
>: RATLIFF: Well, I got to thinking about what you guys said the last time we
>: talked... about how I've never really done anything important. It
>: really bothered me, so I asked myself: "How can I change this?
>: What's the most meaningful thing that I could do?" And then,
>: suddenly... wham! It hit me!
>I'm 22. If I have done something really important by now I'd be a
>genuis. You know I'm not.
Now, how many "really important" things have we been expected to believe that
Marrissa had accomplished by the time *she* was 22? Even if Marrissa is a
genius, as your statement seems to imply, the methods and the magnitude and
the quantity of her accomplishments all stretch credibility to the point of
absurdity. The same goes for the actions of the characters that she
interacts with.
But to get back to the topic at hand... the point of this exchange was not to
accuse you of not doing anything important. That implication was made in a
previous MSTing, and only you can judge whether it has any merit or not. I
was trying to raise the question: "Given the set of beliefs that have been
expressed as truths in the Marrissa stories, what would the writer of those
stories be doing if he were to give up being a writer?" I have noticed that
many of your critics on r.a.t.m.m. have insisted or even DEMANDED that you
give up on writing forever, or at least stop writing any more Marrissa
stories. My belief is that if you actually believe that the Laws of
Marrissa's Universe accurately reflect reality, then writing fanfics for
a.s.c. is one of the LEAST harmless activities that you could be engaged in.
There are FAR worse things that you could be doing. My closing host segment
for "Falling Into Command" was intended to present an extreme caricature of
what one of those other options could be.
> What could be more important and
>: meaningful than working with little children, helping them to
>: realize their full potential and be all that they're capable of
>: being?
>Nice words.
too defensive?
>: RATLIFF: Actually, it's owned by a cousin of mine with the same last name.
I
>: told him how eager I was to work with kids and he hired me on! I
>: must say, this whole experience has been wonderful and I have you
>: guys to thank for it!
>Never happen I've only got 3 cousins with my last name (first cousins at
>least)
>: RATLIFF: And there's so many other examples, Mike! There's the boy who flew
>: a plane in "San Francisco International"! Doogie Hawser, M.D.!
>: The kids in "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians"! Short Round in
>: "Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom"! Macaulay Culkin in "Home
>: Alone"! Why, even the Bible says that you must be as a child to
>: inherit the Kingdom! And how about those kids in that old Star
Trek
>: episode who shook their fists and told the Enterprise crew what to
>: do? Now *there* was a Kid's Crew that knew how to get things done!
>
>Greesh ... I promise you you'll never here this rant from me.
I know, it was mainly Diana that did it for you, but I thought that these
expressions of the "children in charge" theme or others like them might have
planted a few seeds too....
>: RATLIFF: Oh, you'd be surprised what you can get away with here in Roanoke!
>: Well, it's been fun, but I've got to go... it's story time, after
>: all, and then I've got to preside over the wedding of Cadets Robbie
>: and Tina. Those kids make such a cute couple! They're going to be
>: so good for each other! Well, see you later! Live long and
>: prosper! Admiral Ratliff out!
>:
>I'd like (with the hope that it will be the last time) to remind you all
>that Marrissa and Jay did not get married until both of them where in
>there twenties.
as how your kids get treated like adults in your stories in so many other
ways, I decided that it was still appropriate to put into the host segment.
Marriage is a serious commitment that demands adult responsibility, but so is
commanding a fleet of warships.
>:
>[Cut scene about Kid's Crew take over of Deep 13]
>
>You know I enjoyed that take over scene, but I also hated it ... I would
>like to note that I like the portrayal of me. I'd have stonger words
>for it, but I like to maintain a gentlemanly response to these MSTings
>of my work.
r.a.t.m.m. about having Marrissa and/or the Kid's Crew as guest villains for
an MST3K story that you were working on... after I had written about the
Kid's Crew taking over Deep 13, but before this MSTing was posted! I must be
reading too many of your stories, Stephen... we're starting to have some of
the same ideas.
Your contradictory opinion about that scene piques my curiosity and confuses
me at the same time... would you be able to clarify it for me?
And do any of those "stronger words" include the swear words that you
referred to earlier? I'm getting the feeling that I've struck a lot of
nerves in you with this MSTing. For what it's worth, I'm sorry if you didn't
get the cheering up that you said you were hoping for by reading my treatment
of your story. It suddenly occurs to me that I should have said somewhere in
the closing credits that the views about Stephen Ratliff expressed by Mike
and the bots and the closing host segment do not necessarily reflect the
views held by the writers....
>: Thanks go out to:
>:
>: STEPHEN B. RATLIFF, who takes the biblical injunction "And I will give
>: children to be their princes, and babes shall rule over
>: them." (Isaiah 3:4) MUCH too literally. Without him,
>: none of this would have been possible.
>Hmmm... first time I've read that quote, so I guess I better see the
>context.
prophecy that relates to the baby Jesus and the kings that payed homage to
him. I was looking in my concordance for the verse in Isaiah that talked
about the lions lying down with the lambs, etc., and a child shall lead them,
or something to that effect. The verse I actually used was near the verse I
was looking for, and it seemed to fit the situation better.
>: DAVID CONNER, for helping to develop my idea for the Tom Clancy host
segment.
>I'd like to note, that I've never read any of Tom Clancy's work.
events and themes in your Marrissa stories and those that occur in Tom
Clancy's stories. I plan to post a further description of some of these
parallels at a later time.
>: MR. B TORGO, who won a well-deserved award at Conventio-Con 2 by scaring the
>: living daylights out of most of the people in the ballroom, and
>: thereby inspired the Mr. B Ratliff host segment.
>I knew I shouldn't have used my middle initail on this group.
>Oh, and as to Jeffery Gordon ... He's not getting that medical degree
>until he is 24.
When did an insufficient amount of formal education ever stop Marrissa?
> And I've finally found a name for Clara and Alex's
>daughter Athena Alexis Rozhenko.
>
>Stephen... who will be trying out some new proofreaders this spring.
is not a task to be undertaken lightly... many have emerged from your stories
begging for the nice young men in their cream white coats to come and take
them away, ha ha....
Matthew R Blackwell
>:
>: DAVID CONNER, for helping to develop my idea for the Tom Clancy host
segment.
>I'd like to note, that I've never read any of Tom Clancy's work.
How about Dave Weber, then?
JAREK
Oops... substitute the phrase "least harmful" for the phrase "least harmless"
in my reply to Stephen Ratliff's critique of my MSTing. I'm sure it'll make
more sense if you do....
Stephen Ratliff
JAREK (v335...@ubvms.cc.buffalo.edu) wrote:
:
: >
: >Day care ... you've got me running a Day care Center... Excuse me...
: Marrissa had accomplished by the time *she* was 22? Even if Marrissa is a
Too defensive, I thought that this was a very well phrased sentance. I
think it deserves a place in an Elemetery Ed Major's guide.
:
:>: RATLIFF: Oh, you'd be surprised what you can get away with here in Roanoke!
:>: Well, it's been fun, but I've got to go... it's story time, after
:>: all, and then I've got to preside over the wedding of Cadets Robbie
:>: and Tina. Those kids make such a cute couple! They're going to be
:>: so good for each other! Well, see you later! Live long and
:>: prosper! Admiral Ratliff out!
:>:
:>I'd like (with the hope that it will be the last time) to remind you all
:>that Marrissa and Jay did not get married until both of them where in
:>there twenties.
:
: I knew about this and stated as much in my intro to this MSTing. But seeing
: as how your kids get treated like adults in your stories in so many other
: ways, I decided that it was still appropriate to put into the host segment.
: Marriage is a serious commitment that demands adult responsibility, but so is
: commanding a fleet of warships.
:
Sorry... your intro got caught up in the mail (and postwise as well) It
arrived 2 days after the 6 parts, and one day after the posts
: >:
: >[Cut scene about Kid's Crew take over of Deep 13]
: >
: >You know I enjoyed that take over scene, but I also hated it ... I would
: >like to note that I like the portrayal of me. I'd have stonger words
: >for it, but I like to maintain a gentlemanly response to these MSTings
: >of my work.
:
: You know what was eerie about that scene? The fact that you had talked on
: r.a.t.m.m. about having Marrissa and/or the Kid's Crew as guest villains for
: an MST3K story that you were working on... after I had written about the
: Kid's Crew taking over Deep 13, but before this MSTing was posted! I must be
: reading too many of your stories, Stephen... we're starting to have some of
: the same ideas.
:
Actually, my idea had ratmm members replacing those on Deep 13 and
Marrissa (for Mike) Clara (for Crow) and Doctor Johnson (for Tom). In
my outline Mike, Crow, and Tom end up on the Endeavor. Meanwhile Dr F
and Pearl end up in Florida replacing 2 ratmm members (undecided) who
were vacationing there. I've since found another idea.
: Your contradictory opinion about that scene piques my curiosity and confuses
: me at the same time... would you be able to clarify it for me?
:
As a writer, I admired the scene. As the person supposablely running
the raid ... I didn't like your portayal of me.
: And do any of those "stronger words" include the swear words that you
: referred to earlier? I'm getting the feeling that I've struck a lot of
: nerves in you with this MSTing. For what it's worth, I'm sorry if you didn't
: get the cheering up that you said you were hoping for by reading my treatment
: of your story. It suddenly occurs to me that I should have said somewhere in
: the closing credits that the views about Stephen Ratliff expressed by Mike
: and the bots and the closing host segment do not necessarily reflect the
: views held by the writers....
:
Good idea, actaully I recommend the following disclaimer:
Ratliff as portrayed within, is not the same as real life. The views of
Mike and the bots do not necessarily reflect the veiws held by the
writers. Our apoligies to the Roanoke County and City Police.
: >: Thanks go out to:
: >:
: >: DAVID CONNER, for helping to develop my idea for the Tom Clancy host
: segment.
: >I'd like to note, that I've never read any of Tom Clancy's work.
:
: In that case, let me say that there is an unusual amount of parallels between
: events and themes in your Marrissa stories and those that occur in Tom
: Clancy's stories. I plan to post a further description of some of these
: parallels at a later time.
:
I've just read a couple of them (hey with my reading speed (novel in 2
hours) that's not hard.
: >: MR. B TORGO, who won a well-deserved award at Conventio-Con 2 by scaring the
: >: living daylights out of most of the people in the ballroom, and
: >: thereby inspired the Mr. B Ratliff host segment.
: >I knew I shouldn't have used my middle initail on this group.
:
: You knew the risks....
I just checked ... I've never posted over here with my middle initail.
But I did use it in my copyright headers.
:
: >Oh, and as to Jeffery Gordon ... He's not getting that medical degree
: >until he is 24.
:
: I don't expect that fact alone to stop Jeffery from practicing medicine.
: When did an insufficient amount of formal education ever stop Marrissa?
point... but medicine and command are two wildly differant fields.
:
: > And I've finally found a name for Clara and Alex's
: >daughter Athena Alexis Rozhenko.
: >
: >Stephen... who will be trying out some new proofreaders this spring.
:
: You should warn them that proofreading and/or editing one of your manuscripts
: is not a task to be undertaken lightly... many have emerged from your stories
: begging for the nice young men in their cream white coats to come and take
: them away, ha ha....
and most of them now work on Deep 13 ... or did until Mike gave that
little piece of advice ...
Stephen
who will be posting another note shortly on what he liked in more depth.
JAREK
In article <5fo2i2$5...@newslink.runet.edu>, srat...@runet.edu (Stephen
>JAREK (v335...@ubvms.cc.buffalo.edu) wrote:
>:
>: Stephen Ratliff (srat...@runet.edu) wrote:
>: >Nice words.
>:
>: I sense sarcasm dripping from those words... am I right, or am I just being
>: too defensive?
>
>Too defensive, I thought that this was a very well phrased sentance. I
>think it deserves a place in an Elemetery Ed Major's guide.
it the wrong way at first.
>: >[Cut scene about Kid's Crew take over of Deep 13]
>:
>: me at the same time... would you be able to clarify it for me?
>:
>As a writer, I admired the scene. As the person supposablely running
>the raid ... I didn't like your portayal of me.
>
>: It suddenly occurs to me that I should have said somewhere in
>: the closing credits that the views about Stephen Ratliff expressed by Mike
>: and the bots and the closing host segment do not necessarily reflect the
>: views held by the writers....
>:
>Good idea, actaully I recommend the following disclaimer:
>
>Ratliff as portrayed within, is not the same as real life. The views of
>Mike and the bots do not necessarily reflect the veiws held by the
>writers. Our apoligies to the Roanoke County and City Police.
This Ratliff is a work of fiction and is a product of the author's imagination.
Any resemblance to actual Ratliffs, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.
I liked your addition of the Roanoke Police to the disclaimer. The same thing
can just as easily be said about them too.
>: >I'd like to note, that I've never read any of Tom Clancy's work.
>:
>: In that case, let me say that there is an unusual amount of parallels
between
>: events and themes in your Marrissa stories and those that occur in Tom
>: Clancy's stories. I plan to post a further description of some of these
>: parallels at a later time.
>:
>I've just read a couple of them (hey with my reading speed (novel in 2
>hours) that's not hard.
than a week while (hopefully) keeping up with your classes at college?! Most
Clancy novels that I've seen have about 1,000 pages or so in them. Did you
skim over them briefly, or are you actually saying that you read in under a
week what takes me about four months to complete?
>
>: >I knew I shouldn't have used my middle initail on this group.
>:
>: You knew the risks....
>I just checked ... I've never posted over here with my middle initail.
>But I did use it in my copyright headers.
>:
>: >Oh, and as to Jeffery Gordon ... He's not getting that medical degree
>: >until he is 24.
>:
>: I don't expect that fact alone to stop Jeffery from practicing medicine.
>: When did an insufficient amount of formal education ever stop Marrissa?
>point... but medicine and command are two wildly differant fields.
understanding and working with people and a strong ability to make intelligent
decisions while under pressure. Both fields also come with an enormous risk
for irreversible injury or death if their practitioners screw up. One big
difference between the two is that injury and/or death resulting from mistakes
tends to occur on a much larger scale for a military commander than it does for
a doctor. There are situations where a doctor could end up being responsible
for the deaths of a large number of people, but a military commander like
Marrissa has the lives of hundreds of crewmembers in his or her hands on a
regular basis. And the lives of crewmembers on other ships in certain
situations. And the lives of civilians back home who may be jeopardized if
said military commander doesn't make the right decisions while facing an enemy.
Does this adequately explain why I believe that my analogy still holds up?
Stephen Ratliff
JAREK (v335...@ubvms.cc.buffalo.edu) wrote:
: In article <5fo2i2$5...@newslink.runet.edu>, srat...@runet.edu (Stephen
: Ratliff) writes:
: >JAREK (v335...@ubvms.cc.buffalo.edu) wrote:
: >:
: >: Stephen Ratliff (srat...@runet.edu) wrote:
: >
: >: the closing credits that the views about Stephen Ratliff expressed by Mike
: >: and the bots and the closing host segment do not necessarily reflect the
: >: views held by the writers....
: >:
: >Good idea, actaully I recommend the following disclaimer:
: >
: >Ratliff as portrayed within, is not the same as real life. The views of
: >Mike and the bots do not necessarily reflect the veiws held by the
: >writers. Our apoligies to the Roanoke County and City Police.
:
:
: This Ratliff is a work of fiction and
: is a product of the author's imagination.
: Any resemblance to actual Ratliffs, living
: or dead, is entirely coincidental.
my first disclaimer ... it's a standard.
:
: I liked your addition of the Roanoke
: can just as easily be said about them too.
times you portayal may not be so bad after all.
:
: >: >I'd like to note, that I've never read any of Tom Clancy's work.
: >: In that case, let me say that there is an unusual amount of parallels
: between
: >: events and themes in your Marrissa stories and those that occur in Tom
: >: Clancy's stories. I plan to post a further description of some of these
: >: parallels at a later time.
: >:
: >I've just read a couple of them (hey with my reading speed (novel in 2
: >hours) that's not hard.
:
: than a week while (hopefully) keeping up with your classes at college?! Most
: Clancy novels that I've seen have about 1,000 pages or so in them. Did you
: skim over them briefly, or are you actually saying that you read in under a
: week what takes me about four months to complete?
Well ... Clancy is a little longer than most novels (most are about 500)
so it took me 4.75 hours to read _The_Sum_of_All_Fears_ but the lab was
closed Thursday night and I had nothing better to do. Now I'm on spring
break so I'll hit the rest of them.
: >:
: >: >Oh, and as to Jeffery Gordon ... He's not getting that medical degree
: >: >until he is 24.
: >:
: >: I don't expect that fact alone to stop Jeffery from practicing medicine.
: >: When did an insufficient amount of formal education ever stop Marrissa?
: >point... but medicine and command are two wildly differant fields.
:
: The way I see it, both fields require
Yep, but a Doctor's effects are more immedaite and visable, which tends
to deter young people from entering the field. Where as command has all
the glory attached which tends to attract young people.
:
Stephen
JAREK
>: than a week while (hopefully) keeping up with your classes at college?!
Most
>: Clancy novels that I've seen have about 1,000 pages or so in them. Did you
>: skim over them briefly, or are you actually saying that you read in under a
>: week what takes me about four months to complete?
>
>Well ... Clancy is a little longer than most novels (most are about 500)
>so it took me 4.75 hours to read _The_Sum_of_All_Fears_ but the lab was
>closed Thursday night and I had nothing better to do. Now I'm on spring
>break so I'll hit the rest of them.
is quite astounding.
>Yep, but a Doctor's effects are more immedaite and visable, which tends
>to deter young people from entering the field. Where as command has all
>the glory attached which tends to attract young people.
in the business of commanding ships because they believe in honor, duty and
defending their Federation. They're doing it for the "glory", for the
adulations, for the write-ups in the history pages and the media, for getting
their egos stroked. Believe me, it shows. Going into military service for
glory and public hero-worship strikes me as being both unrealistic and a good
indication of priorities being WAY out of whack.
I also believe that many results of what a doctor does, whether good or bad,
are not immediately visible. Accidentally infecting a patient with AIDS, for
example, may take a long time to become apparent and may not be traceable to
the doctor that screwed up. And a mistake made by a commanding officer can
be *very* immediately apparent to his or her subordinates (assuming they live
through it) and superior officers. If a young person's motive is to do well
at a demanding but necessary job, I don't see how a difference in visibility
will deter them. On the other hand, if his or her motive is to be lauded as
a hero then I can see where he or she would be deterred from entering the
medical profession. Few history books give as high a profile to doctors as
they do to military commanders, although Dr. Jonas Salk comes to mind as an
exception to that rule. Was this the reasoning that inspired your statement
that young people are put off by medicine and attracted to military command?