MSTed: Stephen Ratliff's "A Royal Mess", Part Two (2/7)

[Mighty Jack]

>
>Chapter Six

Tom: ... or is it... Chapter Nine, but upside down?

>
> On the planet, Lieutenant Commander Worf and his security
>officers where sifting though the ruins of the House of Parliament.

Crow: But George Clinton was nowhere to be seen.
Mike: Ever since the Labor Party took over... [Mike clucks his tongue sadly]

>Another team was working on the ruins of the Royal Palace.

Crow: Still another team went out for pie.
Mike: That was Lt. Cooper's team, right?

> "Commander,
>I think I have something here," a ensign said.
> Worf walked over to the ensign, "What is it?" he asked.

Tom: It's the lowest ranked officer grade, but that's not important right
now!

> "My tricorder is picking up traces of neutronium tri-carbonate,"
>the ensign said.

Mike: Radioactive Tums? What is Ratliff talking about?
Crow: Gasp! No! It's the elusive shaving cream molecule!

> "That substance is used only in weapon reaction chamber
>casings," Worf replied.

Tom: And in "Big and Tall" men's shops.

> "Continue scans, I want to know exactly how
>much of it is here. Worf to Lieutenant T'Per."

Tom: So what does the Vice President's wife have to do with any of this?

> "T'Per, what can I do for you, Commander?" the Vulcan's voice
>returned.

Mike: (as seductive Worf) You're an alien babe and I'm Worf. You figure
it out.
Crow: Hmm... "T'Per"... You know, I wouldn't think Vulcans would go in for
those kinds of shenanigans. Egging, I could see.

> "Scan your site for traces of neutronium tri-carbonate," Worf
>ordered.

Tom: (as Groucho Marx) The secret word is... tri-carbonate.

> "There are traces of that compound in the ruins," T'Per's voice
>returned.
> "I want a full report on all substances in your ruins by 1800
>hours," Worf said. "Worf out."

Mike: Suddenly it's a sixth grade science project!
Crow: (as Worf) Be sure to tell me everything you know about riboflavin.

>
> The next morning's staff meeting was packed.

Crow: No wonder everyone's there! They've got bagels!
Mike: My motto for meetings was always: "Blow them off unless they've got
bearclaws."

> In attendance was
>Admiral Jean-Luc Picard who was adjusting well to his new rank.

Tom: More pay and prestige can be so trying....

> Commander
>Riker, however still couldn't get use to referring to the former as Admiral,
>as he sat to the Admiral's right.

Mike: They're just words, folks; don't worry about meaning.

> Data sat to Riker's right, having
>completed the search for heirs to Essex.

Crow: Hey, I think it's the Ratliff version of Matthew 20:21-23!
Tom: Is Ratliff saying that Data couldn't come to the meeting if he didn't
successfully complete his search? That's a bit juvenile...

> Lieutenant Commander Worf came
>next with a stack of PADDs in front of him.

Mike: He hoped to get some reading in during this snoozer of a meeting.
Crow: This is not the best square dance I've seen.

> Doctor Beverly Picard had
>just arrived from sickbay and checking on her patients,

Tom: Seeing as how she's a doctor and all.

> and sat to her
>husband's left.

Mike: (gruffly) 'Cause she was a woman!

> Counselor Troi had spent last night counseling the Queen
>of Essex,

Tom: Counseling... heh heh...

> and now was next to the Doctor. Lieutenant Commander LaForge
>was next on the Counselor's right.

Crow: (as Beverly) Her *other* right, Geordi.
Tom: (as Geordi) Sorry, sorry.

> Lieutenant Princess Marrissa Picard
>sat at the opposite end of the table from her father.

Mike: If she sat closer, then Jean Luc could give her a good smack every
now and again.
Tom: Okay, the seating is as follows:

Beard Boy Bob Wheeler Lt. Woof
________________________________________ Marrissa Amber
[ ] Flores Picard,
Baldy [ ] Head of All the
[________________________________________] Kid's Crews in
Star Fleet, Crown
Da Dancin' Counselor Barrette Princess of Essex,
Doctor Babe Face Etc.....

Crow: Wow.

> "Since everyone is here, we will begin," Admiral Picard said.

Tom: Wait, we're missing Ensign Throwaway and John Shoemate!
Mike: Um... no, we're not.

>"Commander Data, please bring everyone up to date

Crow: (as Picard) ... as to what happened on "General Hospital" last week.

> as to the search for heirs
>to Essex's progress since yesterday morning."

Mike: You know, I was an heir to my aunt Mildred's progress.
Crow: That's great, Mike.

> "Since yesterday I have exhausted all lines of the royal family

[Crow opens his beak, closes it, then shakes his head.]

>back to the second of the ten monarchs of Essex," Data reported.

Tom: He watched "King Ralph" a few times to figure out how to do that.

> "I have
>found ten heirs. However I believe that only the first five merit
>mentioning here.

Mike: (as Data) The others did unsatisfactorily in their science fair
projects and must stay after school.

> The heir to the throne is the Admiral's daughter
>Lieutenant Marrissa Picard." Data paused expecting that this would cause
>some comment.

Crow: And once again, Data proves himself to be one of the most observant
characters on the show.

> "So there was a reason behind your biological father's nickname
>for you, Marrissa," Commander Riker responded.

Tom: You mean all parents don't call their children "Evil Queen of All
Darkness"?

> "Mom always thought it was funny when Dad called me Princess,"
>Princess Marrissa replied.

Mike: (as Marrissa) Of course, she also giggled wildly whenever anyone said
"spackle". You'd have to have known her.

> Sensing that this was all the comment he was getting,

Crow: ... and wondering if taking that job on Deep Space Nine might not
have been that bad an idea...

> Data
>continued, "Second in line is Ensign Daniel Sutter presently in
>Engineering.

Tom: (as Data) But he's an adult, so Ratliff demands we sweep him under the
carpet.

>His daughter Clarrissa Ann Sutter is third.

Mike: I hear this scene was the original inspiration for "All The King's
Horses."

> Fourth in line is Mary Sussex
>who owns a bar on Starbase 127.

Crow: What is it about Star Trek and bartenders lately?

> Fifth is somewhat in doubt as her ten
>year old son Martin was kidnapped. At the same time Mary was attacked
>and nearly killed."
> "Commander Worf, your opinion," Admiral Picard asked.

Mike: (as Worf) We will make the treacherous dogs drown in rivers of their
own blood!
Crow: (as Riker) Worf, that's what you said last night when Ten-Forward
ran out of prune juice.
Tom: (as Picard) Yeah. You're really uptight these days. Why don't you
head back to DS9 and visit that Trill that... you're... whoops.
Sorry.

> "Someone obviously wants Essex," Worf replied.

Crow: ... in the *worst* way!

> "They are
>systematically taking out all the government. I suspect that young Martin
>will be found dead.

Mike: (as Worf) Put an APB out on Richard Jewell. He's probably behind
it all.

> I recommend that all the heirs be guarded.

Crow: And all guards should be heired.
Tom: You know, I think guards are supposed to be seen and not heired.

> It should
>be let known that Mary Sussex is dead an thus make further attacks on her
>unlikely."

Mike: The galaxy goes into mourning as the bartender of Starbase 127 is
dead.

> "Agreed," Jean-Luc Picard said.

Crow: Oh, this is the remake of the Bob Newhart-Gilda Radner movie "First
Family," only not on a really low budget.

> "What about the investigation
>into the ruins of the Royal Palace and the House of Parliament?"
> "We have collected the remains of the bomb casing," Worf
>reported.

Tom: (as Worf) We have determined it was probably a bomb that blew up.

> "It was made out of neutronium tri-carbonate."

Mike: (stoned) It gave us a killer buzz, man!
Crow: I'm telling you guys, it's the elusive shaving cream molecule!

> "Then we can rule out people in the Federation, the Cardassians,
>and the Klingons," LaForge commented.

Tom: Except for prank-playing high school students.

> "We replaced that compound with
>dosilite bi-sulfate almost a century ago."

Mike: That's the secret ingredient of Gold Bond Medicated Powder that makes
it tingle while it cools.
Crow: (as LaForge) Or maybe strontium chromate. Or maybe monosodium
glutamate. Or--okay, you caught me. I've been making all this
stuff up for the last ten years.
Tom: C'mon! It's Ratliff! We know it's either the Romulans, the
Cardassians, the "anti-Starfleetites", the junior jumble Balkan
people or the Trakce!

> "In addition thickness of the substance according to our analyst
>is much thinner than we have ever seen," Worf concluded.

Crow: Oh, so it's actually made out of JennyCraigite.

> "Comments anyone?" Admiral Picard asked.

Mike: This jumpsuit itches.
Crow: I'm hungry.
Tom: I have to go to the bathroom.

> "This was very well planned," Riker said. "They killed the
>monarch, which required the House of Parliament to meet. Then they blew up
>Parliament.

Mike: And then they'll try to win Wimbledon!

> Now they just have to hunt down the heirs and they have a
>planet without government."

Tom: You know, this whole story is just one big bad heir day.
Mike & Crow: [groans]

> "What if one of the heirs is the person behind this?" the Doctor
>asked.

Mike: It's about time someone started suspecting Marrissa.

> "If it is anyone it would have to be the present Queen," Data
>said.

Crow: Rats. So close and yet so far...

> "All the others were so far away from the throne,

Tom: ...that their lives couldn't have been a hopeless frustrated search
for meaning and significance with nothing to do but plot and scheme
for decades.

> or were like Marrissa
>did not know they were even heirs."

Mike: If they were like Marrissa, I'd suspect them all!

> "I don't think Queen Victoria is behind it," Counselor Troi
>said. "It was an accident that she was spared and she definitely didn't
>want the job."

Crow: Just like she didn't want to recite the titles....

> "What if it's not the heirs

Tom: Oh, I think it's all of ours.

> but someone who wants to control the
>planet though the monarch?" Marrissa questioned.
> "How so?" her father asked.

Mike: Maybe their automatic coffee machines have gotten so sophisticated
that they decided to launch a coup?

> "I've been thinking about the Trakce attacks I've been involved
>in," Marrissa said. "Don't you think it is a little strange that all three
>of their attacks have involved me somehow?"

Crow: (as Marrissa) It's almost as if there were some all-powerful person,
directing the actions of this entire universe. And I don't think
that he's able to spell very well...

> "Your saying they where trying to get you as a puppet ruler,"

Tom: They needed a new leader after Jim Henson died.

>Doctor Picard said. "Pardon me but I think that's pushing it."

Mike: Yes, Ratliff! Step into the light, join us!

> "She may be right, Doctor," Data replied.

All: D'oh!
Crow: Roanoke, Virginia, we need an intervention.

> "According to the
>interviews with the crew of the ship which Marrissa captured three months
>ago,

Tom: (as Data) ... and here I quote -- "In three months we'll enact an
elaborate scheme to take over the planet Essex." Now, there are
many ways to interpet that, but...

> they where taking her to be used as a mouth piece for their government."

Mike: Mouthpiece? I would have guessed a spit valve.

> "It fits," Riker interjected. "They probably only recently
>found out that their attempt failed so they got the next best thing, Martin
>Sussex."
> "And if it weren't for a fluke, Marrissa would be Queen,"
>LaForge commented.

Tom: (as LaForge) Or maybe it was a flounder, we're not really sure.

> "If Queen Victoria hadn't gone out for pizza she would
>have been dead, and our young Lieutenant would be having a massive
>career change."

Crow: (as Marrissa) ... if it weren't for that blasted pizza, I... Oh, I
mean, phew!

> "And I'm eternally grateful that I'm not Queen," Marrissa said.

Tom: (as Marrissa) It would wreck my plans to someday establish my own
Queendom.

>"It's a hindrance to my career."

Mike: That would be "Supreme Ruler of the Universe", right?
Crow: Actually, I think it's "jockey."
Tom: It could be "lounge singer." She played the piano quite well in...
Mike: Don't mention that story.
Tom: Okay, okay.

> "All right, Commander Worf, begin sensor sweeps

Mike: (as Picard) Also some photographic dusts and some life-sciences
mopping.

> for Trakce life
>signs," Admiral Picard said. "And since we are so close to the Romulan
>border check for their lifesigns as well.

Tom: (sarcastically) Romulans and Trakce! Such a clever new nuance!

> Marrissa, inform the Queen as to
>our theories.

Mike: (as Picard) Then turn on her and savagely beat out a confession.

> Doctor, I think the Queen would like an update on the Prime
>Minister's condition. Dismissed."

Mike: (as Beverly) Does the word "octopus" mean anything to you?

>
> On the Independence, Acting-Captain Jay Gordon had called his
>staff together.

Crow: (as Jay) We have only three days to put on the best elementary
school Arbor Day pageant ever -- we've got to start planning!

> "A hostile force consisting of Romulans and another race
>which the Computer is still trying to identify, have taken over the ship,"

Mike: Er? They did?
Crow: Well, I'm not re-reading the first part to make sure, so we'll take
your word for it.

>Jay said. "We are the only people free. All others are under guard.
>Whatever ship which took us is no longer in the area. This is not a
>simulation. This is real, guys."

Tom: This is a hazing. Repeat, this *is* a hazing.

> "How come we haven't been taken," the first officer, a ten-year old
>Andorian named Thak asked.

Mike: (as Jay) Well... look at us.
Crow: (as Brak) HI! MY NAME IS THAK!

> "I don't know," Jay Gordon replied honestly. "Computer, possible
>explanations for us not being taken by hostile force?"

Tom: (as computer) Working... most races are vulnerable to high amounts of
annoyance and pretentiousness, especially from preteens. Also,
you're ugly and your mothers dress you funny.

> "The Holodeck has been surrounded by an electromagnetic field
>similar to ones surrounding antimatter containment chambers," the Computer
>responded

Crow: Sure.
Mike: Right.
Tom: Well, it does make some sense, what with all of those holodeck
accidents that have occurred. Starfleet may have gotten a clue.

> "When was this field initiated," Jay inquired.
> "At 1132 hours," the Computer replied.
> "Computer, was that the last order before Command lock out was
>initiated?" Jay asked.

Mike: Five White Castle burgers and a large chocolate shake. $4.31, drive
around.
Crow: Another mysterious chapter of Mike "The Temp" Nelson's past has been
revealed.
Mike: Hey!

> "Confirmed, Command lock out happened 3 point one seconds after
>Lieutenant Commander Gordon initiated the field."

Tom: (sarcastic) Hey, nice going, Jay.
Mike: I think Ratliff means Jay's father here... but these ranks keep going
up so much that it's hard to be sure.

> "Well gentlemen, the field keeps us hidden," Jay asked.

Crow: Unless they walk by the door.

> "Is
>their any reason we should leave it?"

Tom: Maybe to get you a dictionary, Jay.
Mike: Well, there's also potty breaks.

> "To rescue the regular crew and get rid of the hostiles," Jay's
>Chief of Security, Sibek, replied.

Crow: (as Sibek) To actually accomplish something useful, sir?

> "Do we need to leave the Holodeck to do so?" Thak replied. "We
>have full control of the ship on the Holodeck.

Tom: So why are starships designed so you can run the entire ship from
the equivalent of your cable TV box?

> If we leave, they will
>detect us, but if we stay here we can corral the hostiles without even
>leaving."

Mike: (as Thak) Yeah... we just push the big red button on the plot device
over there in the corner.

> "I see your point, Thak," Jay replied. "We stay here, when we
>corral all of the hostiles we leave and release our parents.

Crow: (as Jay) Unless they refuse to give us later bedtimes.

> Until then,
>lets get them nervous.

Tom: Ratliff's frequent usage of the word "corral" makes me nervous.
Crow: Ahh! The horse racing is back!
Mike: Crow, it's okay. There are no jockeys here. No horsies. No crazed
Klingons riding "Son of Keldar" and waving bat'leths. It's just
Marrissa, up to her usual hijinx.
Crow: Whew. Thanks, Mike.

> Computer, create a copy of the bridge, transfer
>all bridge functions to those controls.

Mike: Hey, if you can make a perfectly functional bridge instantaneously
with these holodecks, why build real controls at all? Just put in
chairs, a couple holodeck generators, and bingo, you've got the
ultimate in control systems.

> Authorization Gordon Thunder Rolls
>Low Places One One.

Crow: Now they had access to Garth Brooks' music collection.
Tom: (ahem) Computer! Cease fanfic, Authorization Servo Eat It Smells Like
Nirvana One Three.

> Jay's crew took their seats and he ordered, "CONN

Crow & Mike: (sigh)
Tom: COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

> set a course
>to follow any traces of the vessel which sent those hostiles.

Magic Voice: Complying with order, Authorization Servo Eat It Smells Like
Nirvana One Three.
Mike: Hey, Magic Voice! Long time, no hear!
Crow: That will probably never work again....

[They all get up and exit the theater.]

[..1..]
[..2..]
[..3..]
[..4..]
[..5..]
[..6..]

[SOL]

[The commercial sign light is flashing. Mike
enters, sees the flashing light and looks around
for the others.]

Mike: Servo? Crow? We've got commercial sign!

[Mike shrugs and reaches towards the light.]

Magic Voice: I wouldn't do that if I were you.

[Mike stops, looks puzzled, then reaches towards the light again.]

Magic Voice: I wouldn't do that if I were you.

[Mike looks up, then laughs.]

Mike: Oh. It's like the story. Cute. Gosh! I
sure hope that nothing bad happens!

[Mike hits the light. A flood of red-colored liquid falls
from the ceiling, six feet from Mike.]

Tom: [O.S.] D'oh!

[Crow enters the bridge.]

Crow: Mike? We're having a bit of a problem with the
dispensing system. Can you try it again?
Mike: Sure, I guess.
Crow: Good. Take two!

[Crow exits.]

Mike: Gosh! I sure hope that nothing bad happens!

[Mike hits the light again. Another flood of red
liquid falls directly in front of the camera.
Mike is unaffected.]

Crow: [O.S.] Cambot!
Tom : [O.S.] Nice going, Crow. We drenched poor Cambot!
Crow: [O.S.] Hey, you were manning the controls!
Tom : [O.S.] Mike? Can you try it again?
Mike: Sure. [flatly] Gosh. I sure hope nothing
bad happens.

[He hits the light and a small trickle of
strawberry juice drips down from the ceiling,
about a foot away from Mike.]

Crow: [O.S.] Oh, that's just great! Not only
are we off target, but we're out of juice!
Tom : [O.S.] Let's go to Plan B then. Get the
ping-pong balls.
Mike: Ping-pong balls?

[Right on cue, thousands of ping-pong balls fall
on Mike. As the balls continue to fall, the bots
begin to speak.]

Crow: [O.S.] That's not as funny as I hoped it would be.
Tom : [O.S.] You're right. The peeps then?
Mike: Peeps? What are...

[Mike's words are lost as thousands of marshmallow
chickens fall from above.]

Crow: [O.S.] Hmm. No, that doesn't really work either.
Tom : [O.S.] Okay, let's go with the watermelons.
Mike: What?!

[Mike yelps in surprise and dives for cover as
watermelons fall from the ceiling.]

Crow: [O.S.] Not that one either.
Tom : [O.S.] Cue the fire axes!
Mike: [still under the counter] Noo!!!

[He darts up and hits the commercial sign light.
While the planet logo is on the screen, screams
and sounds of heavy pieces of metal hitting the
floor can be heard.]

[Commercial.]

One junior executive gumball machine: $19.95

One lacrosse mask: $29.95

One purple child car seat: $53

One jumpsuit: $40

Listening to Mike berate the bots:
"Crow!!!!!"
Priceless.

[Continued in Part 3]