MiSTing: TimeLapse 4/8
Chris Mayfield
>
> Captian's log suplemental. The Enterpriseis currently
>undergoing repairs in a subterainian starbase.
Crow: If it's underground, it's not really a *star*base, is it?
> It has been
>determined that we have been thrown forward through time
>aproxamintly 150 years.
Mike: Give or take a decade.
> In this centery the Federation, Romulan
>Empire, and Klingon empire have fallen
Crow: And they can't get up.
> to an invading race known
>as the Poltar.
Tom: They are one bad--
Mike: Watch your mouth!
Tom: I'm just talkin' 'bout the Poltar!
> repairs should be completed in six hours. I then
>face a difficult disision;
Mike: Whether to watch "The Nanny" or "Fresh Prince."
> return to our time and try to prevent
>this, or stay here and help in the resistance movement.
Tom: Resistance movement!
Crow: Return to your own time!
Mike: Take the money!
>
> Data and Teri are in a section on engeneering working on a
>console.
> "I am curios."
Mike: Curios: the curious, 'o'-shaped breakfast cereal.
> notes Data," Why did it take you so long to
>ask the Federation for help?
Tom: [Teri] Cause we were afraid the other empires would laugh at
us.
> If you communicated earlyer I am
>sure the invasion could have been halted."
Mike: And this fanfic averted.
> "The Romulans are, or were, a very proud race.
Crow: Now they're garbage.
> By the time we
>asked we knew it was over." Teri pauses to reflect,
Mike: [Teri, thoughtfully] Diet Dr. Pepper *does* taste more like
regular Dr. Pepper.
> pulls himself
>together and continues," I am surprised this antique still
>works."
Tom: Quit talking about Picard like that!
> "The Enterprise is only a few years out of space dock.
Crow: Its space engines and space sensors are the best on any
spaceship in outer space space.
> It is
>the Federation's most advanced ship."
Mike: Advanced in age, maybe.
> "I'm sorry it's just that the technology used by you is now
>mostly out dated by our standerds."
Mike: You know, just when I had gotten all my albums on 8-track,
along came cassette tapes.
> "Then it would be able to further enhance the Enterprise if
>we incorperated your technology into the dammaged systems."
Tom: I'm sorry, but you'll have to phrase your questions in the
form of a question.
> "Are you contimplateing engaging the Poltar?"
Crow: I'm just not ready for commitment, yet.
> "Captain Picard has not yet made a desission in that respect.
>But if he wishes to do so we should be on equal levels with the
>current technology."
Mike: All ships are created equal; some are just created more
equal than others.
Tom: Time to call in the Handicapper General.
Crow: [Billy] Dianne!
>
> Across the ship a similer conversation is being conducted
>between Picard and Seri.
Crow: First he was Sedo, then he was Sero, now he's Seri. Come on,
Demetrius, pick a name and stick with it.
> "Than you won't stay?"
> "My desission has not yet been made."
> "We could really use
Tom: A fingernail clipper. You never notice how much you need one
until you don't have one.
> a ship such as this. It could give us
>the edge we need."
Mike: Plus the chicks really dig it.
> "What garinty can you give me that your raid will be
>sucsessful?
Tom: 30 days or double your money back.
> How can I be sure that my ship, out dated by your
>standereds, won't be distroyed in the attack?"
Crow: [Seri, weakly] Cause my horoscope said so?
> "I'm afraid I can give no assurances" said Seri in an almost
>cold tone, "Fact of the matter is I don't think
Crow: He'll fit in nicely with the rest of the Enterprise crew.
> we could get it
>done if your ship was up to our standereds."
> "You're asking me to risk my ship on a hunch? a hope?"
Mike: Them Vulcans are so impulsive.
> I am
>sorry, but I can not do that."
Crow: [Seri] Captain Kirk would have.
Tom: [Picard] Well Captain Kirk can kiss my Royal French arse!
> At that moment Riker entered the bridge. He carried with him
>a small leather bound book.
Tom: [Riker] Hmm. "The More Than Complete Hitchhiker's Guide."
> He paused, handed the book to Seri
>and seated him self.
Crow: Now do first officers sit above or below commanders of a
nearly vanquised resistance fleet?
> "I believe that is what you were looking for."
Mike: [Seri] The R-S volume of the Encyclopedia Britannica?
> "Why yes it is." said Seri opening the book to look over the
>precies information.
Crow: [Seri] Deanna Troi, three stars. Ro Laren, one star. Beverly
Crusher, four stars. Ensign--
Tom: [Riker] Whoops, wrong book.
> "Sir, LaForge reports that repairs are nearly complete. Data
>has mentioned to me the idea of upgrading our systems to
Mike: System 7.5.
Tom: Copland's just around the corner.
> match
>this times technology. I gave him the
Crow: Finger.
> go-ahead."
> "Very well, Number One." Picard adjusted himself,
Mike: [Picard] 'Scuse me. I was sitting on "them."
> "Number
>One? What would you think
Crow: [singing] If I sang out of tune? Would you stand up and walk
out on me?
> of staying here and joining the fight?"
> "I've given that a lot of thought, sir.
Tom: [Riker] And I think I hurt myself.
> And I believe that we
>should try to return. We don't belong here."
Crow: That line was lifted out of every '50s B sci-fi movie ever
made.
Mike: [woodenly] We must return to our homeworld. We do not belong
here. Please understand. It is for the best.
> "I agree." turning to Seri,"I'm sorry but we will be leaving
>at first chance."
> Seri looks disapointed, stands and leaves the bridge.
Tom: Don't go away mad; just go away.
> "Mister LaForge, prepare to be under way as soon as posable."
> "Yes sir, we should be ready to leave within the hour."
Mike: ShipCrafters. Quality starships in about an hour.
> "Ensign, plot a corse to return us to the point
Crow: Of no return.
> at which we
>came out of the time warp. Mister Data," he said into the
>entercom,
Tom: His voice goes into the entercom and comes out of the
exitcom.
Mike: Amazing!
> "will you meet me in my ready-room?"
> "On my way, sir."
Crow: Mike, what's deja vu?
Mike: It's the feeling that you've seen or done something before.
>
> Five minutes latter Data entered Picards ready-room. PIcard,
>lost in thought stood at the window.
Crow: [Picard] Dum de dum dum. How do they cram all that graham
into Golden Grahams cereal?
> "Mister Data," he finaly said," I need to know if it will be
>possable to return the ship
Mike: [Picard] I took the tags off. Do you think they'll take it
back?
Tom: [Data] I do not know, sir. Do you still have the receipt?
> to our correct time. I am not
>planning on staying here any longer than nessisary."
Crow: Any longer than neccicsary--nescesury--nessesesary--any
longer than we have to.
> "I have thought about it, sir, and I have theorised
Tom: That time travel within our own lifetime is possible. We
simply fly the Enterprise into the Quantum Leap accelerator.
> that it
>would be possable to recreate the situation that caused the time
>jump.
Tom: So suddenly Data can create time warping wormholes on a whim?
Mike: Maybe not wormholes, but plot holes definitely.
> It will require a
Mike: Deus ex machina.
> close connection between the warp field
>generators and the shield which, I hope, will..."
Crow: When did Data get a hunch subroutine?
> "Data." he said cutting him off,
Mike: Data's Jewish?
> " Just work on it."
Tom: Just do it.
> "Yes, sir."
>
> With finnal preporations almost complete Picard
Crow: Almost complete Picard?
Mike: He's not all there.
Crow: Oh.
> called a last
>meeting to go over final details of the attempt.
Mike: [Picard] At 1800 hours, we enter the wormhole. At 1801, we
die.
> "Ok, people. When we go through this what could we expect?"
Crow: We could expect giant pink bunnies to come flying at us. I
think it would be more productive to focus on what we *should*
expect.
> "Well, sir," said LaForge," I would assume much of the same
>that happened the first time.
Tom: Poor spelling, sentence fragments, and constantly changing
verb tenses.
> We'll lose most of the systems and
>sustain structual dammage."
Mike: Shoot! There go my heat sink and medium laser.
> "That is no nessesaraly so Commander." said Data.
> "What do you mean?" inquiered Picard.
Crow: [Picard] That last sentence was incomprehensible.
> "We have been able to incorperate
Mike: We're now a business. We sell three prong adapters.
> much of the current
>technology into our ship."
> "What exactly does this intail?"
> "Our shields have been increased by 300 percent.
Tom: 300% of 0 is still 0.
> Our top
>speed has been increased to warp 13. Weapon systems are up
Mike: Three quarters, pork bellies down 1 and a half, soybeans are
unchanged.
> by 150
>percent in power and range. Navigation and sensors have been
>inhanced to twice there original peformace level.
Tom: Two! Two! Two times the sensors!
> I could
>contenue."
> "No Mister Data. That is suffeciant."
> "Well if that's all I propose we get this over with.
All: [cheer at the prospect of the end of the fanfic.]
> All
>hands prepare for time warp."
>
> The Enterprise glided through the night. It was unaware of
>the ship following close behind.
Crow: Not surprising, as the Enterprise is an inanimate object.
Mike: So are you, Crow.
Crow: Oh, yeah.
Tom: Hey, I think we're pretty animated.
> "Captain, these are the co-ordanents."
> "All stop."
> "Answering all stop, sir"
Tom: WHO IS TALKING??
> "Any time your ready Geordi."
> "Preparing start up now, sir."
> The ship began to rock
Crow: ARE YOU READY TO PARTY, ENTERPRISE?!
Mike and Tom: YEAH!!
> and sway in a very violent way.
Mike: [singing] The weather started getting rough, the giant ship
was tossed...
> "Commander LaForge. What's happening?"
> "I have no idea, sir. But I do know it's not engeneering."
Tom: That Geordi is a wealth of information.
> "Captain, sensors inecate we are in a tractor beam."
> "Raise shields! Red alert. Give me a visual."
> The screen flashed alive.
Crow: Could you pick a worse in-flight movie?
> There behind the ship was Poltar
Tom: "Was Poltar?" The entire invasion fleet is one guy named
Poltar?
Crow: Sort of like "The Last Starfighter."
>inhanced Klingon warbird. It had a strong hold on the aft
>section.
Mike: The Warbird appears to have a stronghold on the Enterprise--
but wait! The Enterprise has gotten loose and has the Warbird in
a full nelson!
Tom: As opposed to an almost complete Nelson.
Mike: I resent that.
> "Sir, sensors indecate that weapon systems on the enemy ship
>are charging."
Crow: [Picard] Tell them we don't take plastic.
> "Commander LaForge, can you instigate the time jump?"
> "Yes, sir. But we can't break this tractor."
Mike: These new Deeres are just too well made.
Tom: But have you seen the new International Harvesters?
> "Sir," said RIker," Maybe the sauser section can get trough.
Crow: When the going gets trough, the trough get going.
>If the beam is only holdding the aft section..."
Tom: The Poltar ship is trying to give the Enterprise a wedgie.
> "Agreed. All hands prepare for saucer seperation. All non-
>esenteal personel to the saucer.
Crow: Wouldn't they want all the essential personnel on the
saucer? Why save the losers who aren't good for anything?
> Will, I want you to command it.
Crow: [Peter Graves] Your mission, should you choose to accept
it...
Tom: It's "Mission Implausible."
>Get to Star Fleet, tell them what's happening, or rather what
>will happen."
Mike: Stop them from canceling "Misfits of Science."
> "You can count on me, sir"
> The brige crew filed out to the battle bridge.
Tom: New from MacPlay, Omar Shariff's Battle Bridge!
Mike: You can't use that, Tom. Someone else used that in
Enterprized.
Tom: Um...a...so...would...like maybe...battle bridge is a...
it's...uh...I CAN'T THINK OF ANY OTHER JOKES FOR BATTLE BRIDGE!!
Crow: [snotty] What about "is that anything like the bridge over
the river Kwai?" or "would that be a bridge over troubled water?"
Nyah, nyah, nyah.
Mike: Stop it, Crow. That's okay, Tom. At least you tried.
> "Riker we're ready when you are."
> "Yes, sir. Disingaging."
Mike: Giving back the ring, sir.
> The saucer section slipped slowly off the seconary hull.
>Heading towards the time rift.
Tom: Next plot contrivance 150 miles.
> Then a large omonous figure
>appeared to the right.
Crow: Tor Johnson!
> It was another ship approching fast.
> "Sir, another Poltar ship is approching,
All: Fast.
> on an intersept
>corse with the saucer section!"
> "Hail them Mister Worf.
Tom: [Jerry Lewis] Oh Mr. Poltar lady ship person...
> Challange them if you have to
Crow: [Worf] My mom can beat up your mom.
> but
>keep them away from the saucer section!"
> "Sir, the saucer section is entering the rift."
> "Sir, the second ship is fireing on the saucer section!"
Mike: [Picard] Thank you Lieutenants Anonymous and Unnamed.
> All was silent. Emerald beams of light split eather
Crow: Didn't Michelson and Morley disprove ether years ago?
> side of
>the saucer section. A volly of points of light rained on the slow
>moving target.
Tom: Today will be mostly cloudy with light showers.
> Holes and crators appeared on the hull. Then in a
>single second the saucer exploded!!
All: Riker's dead! He's really, really dead! He's really, really,
really, really, really, really dead!
Tom: Hey, it's a Baked Alaskan! Ha, ha. Come on, let's go.
[get up, start to leave]
Crow: This guy's gonna have to pull one major retcon to bring back
Will.
Mike: Maybe he's not going to.
Crow: But you can't just blatantly kill off characters.
Tom: Crow, two words: Tasha Yarr.
[Commercials]
[Continued in part 5]