[MSTing] A Star Wars Christmas Story, by Clare Mosely
DStalker
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An attempt at combining Star Wars and Dickens, key word, attempt. Oh, I
can't take full credit on this, half the quips were written by Merritt
Stone..
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MSTing by "DStalker" and Merritr Stone
e-mail at ro_...@hotmail.com and howi...@pixi.com
Make sure you can see that bar to get the full enjoyment from this MSTing!
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(SOL)
MIKE: Hey everybody! Welcome to the Satellite of Love's annual Spring Cleaning rodeo!
You may be asking yourself, what do you mean spring cleaning rodeo?
CROW: (From off screen) Well, there's several different competitions, like the vacuum race,
the Guess How Small The New Shirt Will Get In The Dryer Contest!
TOM: (From off screen) Don't forget the hilarious clowns who wear stuff from the back of
closets and pretend to be mimes.
MIKE: We are about to hold the Dust Bunny roping contest! Contestants.. ready.. set go!!!
(Crow and Servo race out on wet vacs and are suddenly enveloped in a huge cloud of dust.)
MIKE: I can't see anything! Has anybody got it yet?
CROW: (In the dust) I think I caught it!
MIKE: No, that's my foot. Let go.
TOM: (From the dust) I've got it!
MIKE: No, that's my- (Mad Light) Oh look: Yoko Ono is calling.
(D13)
DR F: Hello, Mike, robots. Guess what!
(SOL)
CROW: (From dust) What?
TOM: (Sticks head out of dust cloud) What?
MIKE: Tell us, Dr. Forrester.
(D13)
DR F: It's Christmas!!
(SOL)
MIKE: What? It's spring and I- (A huge gust of wind blows the dust away) What's going-
(Snow suddenly starts falling from above.) Dr. Forrester, what are you doing!?!?
MIKE: The heck?!? Dr. Forrester is this your doing?!
(D13)
DR F: Well, since Frank departed, I've been feeling kind of depressed. So I remembered that
I was always happy around Christmas as a kid. I would wake up early in the morning Of
course we were in Iceland at the time, so morning lasted all of an hour. Then I would
unwrap my gifts. I remember when I was four, that was the best Christmas of my life.
It's the only time I wasn't forced to pay for my gifts.
(SOL)
MIKE: That's really depressing. What did you get?
(D13)
DR F: I got an IOU for seventeen cents, and a coupon for a free Tab with any purchase at
Denny's.
(SOL)
MIKE: That's even more depressing.
(D13)
DR F: Anywho, since I'm in a giving mood, your experiment today is a Christmas Star Wars
adventure written by... Clare Mosely. Have fun!
(SOL)
ALL: HUMBUG! (Movie sign)
TOM: Movie signnn!!
*.. 2.. 3.. 4.. 5.. 6..
>Disclaimer: All material in this book are the property of the authors. Star Wars is property \
>of Lucasfilms Ltd and I am just borrowing the characters.
MIKE: Well, Lucasfilm is gonna want 'em back without a SCRATCH on 'em!
> All works by Mina Skywalker
TOM: Hey! This isn't by Clare Mosely!
CROW: Yes, it kind of is, this is by Clare "Mina Skywalker" Mosely.
TOM: Great, burst my bubble.
CROW: Consider you bubble burst.
>(c) Mina Skywalker 1996
MIKE: So, a fictional character owns the copyright.
TOM: Somehow, that just fits.
>A note from Mina Skywalker,
>
>This story is great, its awesome! I wrote it!
CROW: [Mina] I'm not biased or nothin'!
> I hope you enjoy reading about me and my
>boyfriend, Alex Starkiller. I just love doing this kind of stuff on Christmas.
ALL: CHRISTMAS?!
CROW: Did they even HAVE Christmas?
TOM: Yeah, I mean, it was long ago in a galaxy far, far away. I think we're talking about
several billion BC at least!
>With Stormtroopers roasting in open fire,
ALL: [singing] Yoda nipping at your noooose...
>Mina Skywalker
>
> The Star Wars Christmas Story
TOM: A Quinn Martin production.
>By: Mina Skywalker (dmos...@mailserv.interhop.net)
>
>Yavin Four was a buzz of activity.
MIKE: They were preparing for the Renaissance Festival!
CROW: Huzzah!!
> All of the students at Luke Skywalker1s Jedi Academy
>looked forward to a hard earned break. Three of these eager students were Jacen, Jaina and
>Anakin Solo.
CROW: This isn't one of those "Young Readers" stories is it?
TOM: No, I'm sure that even those young readers would think it was crap.
>Jacen, Jaina and Anakin could not wait to get back to Coruscant to see their parents, Leia
>Organa Solo and Han Solo. Their Uncle, Luke Skywalker, his wife, Leyta and their kids Ben
>and Mina were coming to Coruscant as well.
MIKE: That was a very Rattliffian list of people.
> Mina was even pushing for her new boyfriend,
>Alex Starkiller, and his brother, Daren, to come along too. It was the Skywalker's first
MIKE: Which Skywalker?
CROW: Skip it.
>Christmas together. Luke had only met his twenty four year old illegitimate son two months
>ago. And Mina was a new addition to the family, being brought back to her own time after
>her three month old self was sucked into a time portal, aging her sixteen years in another
>time.
CROW: You ever read the comic "The New Mutants"?
MIKE: No. Why?
CROW: No reason...
> Leyta was only reunited with her estranged fiance eleven months ago. Now she was
>married, with her two kids, to Luke's pleasure, to him. Jaina yelled to her brother
>"Hey, Jacen, when is the transport getting here?"
TOM: (Jacen) How would I know? I'm not a Jedi, wait I am! And so are you, being a Jedi sucks.
>Jacen replied
>"Didn't Uncle Luke tell you? Aunt Leyta is taking us to Coruscant on the Phoenix."
>Jaina yelled back
>"Cool! I wonder what mom and dad got us for Christmas?"
TOM: I hope they got you little tykes the ability to talk on the same line as your narrative.
>Anakin chimed in
MIKE: Hello it's Carlson your doorman.
>"I hope dad got me the new mechano set. I think I can finish my Death Star prototype with
>one more set."
>Jacen retorted
>"You've already got 5000, what's one more set?"
CROW: Foreshadowing, right here, ladies and gents. Foreshadowing.
>Mina packed her belongings. Her astromech droid, R2-DD, who Mina affectionately called
>"Deedee", beeping behind her.
>Mina replied
>"Yeah, Mom and Dad are getting ready to go to Coruscant, too.
MIKE: Then they kill Santa and Chewbacca has to take over because of a Santa Clause!
> Yes, Ben is going too. I
>still can't believe I get to spend Christmas with my family. I mean, my parents. It is
>incredible. I just hope Alex and Daren can come with. Alex has been distant lately. Maybe
TOM: [Mina] if you two were better parents...
>if we have so time away from the academy he will tell me what is wrong with him."
MIKE: Why does it seem that all Dr. Forrester gives us is sequels to things?
CROW: Do you really want to see "Clare Mosely: The Early Years?"
MIKE: Good point.
> Deedee
>beeped back a remark. Mina replied
>"Same to you, you piece of scrap metal!"
CROW: I think it's fair to say that Mina is to "Deedee" as C-3PO is to R2-D2.
MIKE: Good analogy, Crow.
TOM: Well, C-3PO and R2-D2 were entertaining.
MIKE: Hmmm. Maybe Mina is to "Deedee" as Dr. Smith is to Robot.
TOM: That sounds better.
>"You ready to go, hon?"
CROW: (Luke-Minnesotan) Oh, hon, do you need breakfast? I'll cook you an egg.
>Luke whispered to Leyta. She replied
>"Yeah, I guess."
>Luke looked at Leyta. He asked, in a concerned voice.
>"Are you okay Leyta?"
MIKE: As opposed to asking that in an angry voice.
>Leyta turned and hugged him. She said
>"I'm fine, Luke. It's just........."
TOM: [Leyta] I can't remember if I left the iron on.
MIKE: [Luke] We don't have an iron.
TOM: [Leyta] Still...
>Luke stared in silence at his wife. His eyes soften as the met with hers. She said
CROW: [Leyta] I'm shifting verb tenses back and forth, and I can't do a thing about it.
>"Christmas on Coruscant is something I am not used to. I will probably never be used to it."
>Luke smiled. He asked
>"What were your favourite Christmases, Lee?"
CROW: Mike, my favorite Christmas was the one where we launched all the garbage in the
load pan bay at Australia in hopes of hitting Yahoo Serious.
MIKE: Yeah. Woulda been even better if we'd hit him.
TOM: We did destroy Paul Hogan's winter home, though...
ALL: [wistful sigh]
>Leyta smiled
>"On Willion, my family would all gather outside and watch the snow fall. It was beautiful.
>I love snow. That is my favourite memory of Christmas."
CROW: She's day dreaming of a white Christmas.
>Luke just smiled. He said
>"My favourite Christmases are all with you."
TOM: Aww. That's sickening.
>Alex Starkiller
MIKE: Attorney at law.
> twirled a strand of Mina's hair around his finger as they, along with
>Deedee, Mina droid, Luke and Ben Skywalker, Threepio and Artoo, Luke's droids, Jacen ,
>Jaina and Anakin Solo and his brother, Daren all waited for Leyta Skywalker, Marianna the
>Wookiee and Sixea the droid to finish fixing up the Silver Phoenix.
CROW: And John-Boy...
> Mina turned to Alex "I
>can't wait to get to Coruscant. I haven't seen Aunt Leia and Uncle Han in a while and Han
>says he needs help with the new modifications on the Falcon and he wants me and Jaina to
>help." Alex could only frown at Mina.
>"What's wrong, Alex?"
>Alex shook his head
>"Nothing, it's just........."
CROW: [Alex] I miss Mallory and Jennifer, and my liberal parents...
>"What?"
>Alex turned away from Mina
>"My mom was found on Corellia, she's alive."
TOM: [Alex] "I thought we'd killed her off, but I was wrong."
>Mina put her hand on Alex1s shoulder
>"That's great news!"
>But Alex's sad expression did not chance.
MIKE: Watch out! He'll give you the puppy dog eyes of death!
>"Isn't it?"
>Alex shut his eyes tight, so not to cry. Mina wrapped her arms around his waist.
>"I haven't seen my mom in ten years. What will I say to her?"
CROW: Here's a shot in the dark: "Hi."
>Ben and Daren listen to the two teenagers' conversation. Daren whispered to Ben
>"You should tell Alex about you. You were away from your mom that long."
>Ben nodded. He jumped in
TOM: The boiling hot acid.
>"Alex, I only met up with my mom again after ten years two months ago. You need to find
>her and tell her you miss her. Odds
>are its the same thing with her."
MIKE: He's Corellian, don't tell him the odds!
>Alex shook his head
>"You had no choice. You were kidnapped by Jonythen Harrysan.
ALL: [general chuckling]
CROW: Or was that Harrythen Jonysan?
TOM: Or Harryjony Thensan?
MIKE: Or Ray Harryhausen?
> I chose to live with my father.
>I knew all the time he was
>evil, but I chose to live with him, leaving Mom alone. She will never forgive me for that."
TOM: This is definitely a sequel.
>Mina kissed Alex.
>"You'll choose what's right. I know that. But I think your mom will be happy to hear from you."
CROW: Wow, a Clare Mosely sub plot, let's see how long this lasts.
>Luke started to joke around with Leyta almost as soon as they got on Coruscant. He grabbed
>her by the waist and said
CROW: [Luke] Wanna see my new light saber?
MIKE: Crow...
CROW: Well, you knew I'd have to do it eventually.
>"Come on, Leyta, you come over here and sit on my lap and tell Santa Luke if you we a good
>girl this year."
MIKE: I think I'm going to be sick.
CROW: Clare, you've got some real problems...
>Leyta shook off her husband1s advances.
TOM: Bad touch.
> She turned away from Luke. Luke put his hands at
>his side in disappointment.
MIKE: (Luke) Look at these test results... You misspelled FORCE for cripes sake.
> He
>said
>"Hey, what's wrong."
>Leyta shook her head
>"Nothing. It's just.........."
CROW: I'm getting tired of acting..
MIKE: I'm getting tired of this.. Let's go..
6.. 5.. 4.. 3.. 2.. *..
(Mike and the bots are standing all wrapped up in the middle of a snow storm)
MIKE: Well, since it's kinda Christmas and all, let's give gifts.
CROW: Well Mike, that's really sudden. I don't have anything prepared.
MIKE: I do. (Brings out a sack of gifts). Oh, you should always be prepared for Christmas, no matter what time of the year it happens!
TOM: Well, I can see where that... HUH?
MIKE: Here's a "Things You Never Knew Existed" catalog for you, Crow. And for Servo,
a Far Side Desk Calendar for 1994, and for Gypsy, a copy of Admiral Halsey's biography.
CROW: Huh, thanks, I guess.
TOM: That didn't seem improvised. Okay, I'll be right back. (Jets in and out) Okay, Mike for
you I have an illegal copy of "Waterworld". Um.. Crow, I got a "Macs for Dummies" book.
And Gypsy I got a catnip ball.
CROW: Great... That book you gave me should be in the catalog Mike gave me.
MIKE: Crow?
CROW: Okay.. Let's see. Tom, I'm giving you a statue of Jimmy Carter. Mike, you'll get a Rat
Pack chess set, and Gypsy..... your costume from "Chocolate Jones and the Temple of Funk."
GYPSY: Um.. I got all of you copies of Al Franken's book "Rush Limbaugh is a Big Fat Idiot"
MIKE: Well, this was a learning experience. Christmas comes once a year for a reason.
TOM: Or something.
CROW: Yeah (Moviesign) MOVIESIGN!!!
*.. 2.. 3.. 4.. 5.. 6..
>"It's just what?"
>Luke replied. Leyta said
>"I got a holovid from General Tanki. He wants me on Janaya, tonight."
TOM: General Tanki? TANKi? You could at least try and make it sound somewhat not like the
word tank!
>Luke's eyes widened.
>"But it's Christmas Eve!"
MIKE: Or it will be in a few billion years.
>Leyta hugged her husband.
>"I know. But duty calls. I have to go. I accepted this responsibility when I stepped up
>as the the Jedi Princess."
CROW: If she's the Jedi Princess, who's the Jedi King?
MIKE: Turns out it's Howard Stern, apparently Jedi are part of the media.
>Luke hugged Leyta.
>"I can't believe this is another Christmas we have to spend apart. But why break a twenty
>four year record?"
MIKE: Ah Luke Skywalker, that moody, loner, wise cracking Jedi.
>Alex was miserable. Mina could see right through the facade he had set up. Well, at least
>he was here. Mina tried to cheer him
>up. But now Mina had to admit it. Alex wanted his mother. Mina said
TOM: [Mina] Your mother never breast-fed you, did she?
>"I'll set up a transport to Corellia. You can be there by tomorrow morning."
>Alex gave Mina a quizzical look.
CROW: Then gave her exactly thirty seconds to write in his answer in the form of a question.
>"What are you talking about, Myn?"
MIKE: [Mina] I wish to Hell I knew. My mind just went to the Bahamas for a second.
>Mina smiled
>"You won't be happy till you find your mother. So this is my present to you. You get to
TOM: Decide who lives and who dies!
CROW: Hey, that's MY job!
>go to Corellia to find your mother."
>"You mean it?"
MIKE: No, I was just kidding. You may wish to start crying now.
>Mina nodded. Alex leaped over and swung Mina around. He said
>"Thanks, darling. You1re the greatest."
>Alex kissed her. Mina said
MIKE: (Mina) We buy Listerine for a reason garlic breath!
>"All in a day's work."
>Leyta started to get the Phoenix ready for take off. Leyta closed her eyes Goodbye
TOM: She closed her eyes goodbye? What did she blink in Morse code?
>Christmas. She thought. Just then Han ran in. He said "Leyta, come on. You have to come with
>me right away." Han took Leyta's hand and they ran out,
TOM: ...of time on the play clock., they got a five yard penalty and a loss of down.
> to the Falcon.
CROW: And Dynomutt!
> Han said
>"You and Alex and I have to go to Corellia. Alex wants to see his mom and General Tanki
>wants you to meet him for a meeting on Corellia in 0800 hours.
CROW: That's going to be one mighty fast trip. They'd have to break the laws of physics.
MIKE: In other words, just like in Star Trek.
> He said it is really important."
>Leyta settled into a seat on the Falcon, next to her daughter's boyfriend. Whose unruly
>brown hair had been cropped into a
>short style.
MIKE: In other words, exactly what Clare's hair is cut like.
> She smiled at him. Well, at least Han and Alex would be with her for Christmas.
>
>In two hours Han suddenly started the landing procedures. He said
>"Sorry guys. We have to stop off here while I make some adjustments. We1ll get going in
>two hours."
CROW: (Han) Wake up honey, we're at grandma's, put on your shoes...
>Leyta got off the Falcon to see where they had landed. A blast of cold wind hit her. She
>looked around. There was snow
>everywhere. Suddenly she felt a warm object on her back.
MIKE: Han was getting really frisky, and Leyta sounded some what like Leia.
> She reached at it. It was an X-Wing
>jacket, built for cold weather.
CROW: Yeah cold weather when the air conditioner goes on the fritz in the vacuum of space right?
> A voice said
>"It was mine when I was a commander here. Hoth can get extremely cold. But the snow is
>beautiful."
TOM: They're at Hoth? She could at least try to make up planets!
>Leyta turned around. Her eyes filled with tears.
TOM: Which froze, blinding her.
>"Luke. This is the best Christmas gift anyone has ever given me."
>Luke smiled.
>"I knew you wanted snow. This is the best place I could think of."
MIKE: (Leyta) I'm freezing to death, but hey it's fun!
>Just then everyone, Leia, Jacen, Jaina, Anakin, Chewie, Mari, Sixea, Artoo, Threepio,
>Deedee, Han, Daren, Ben, Mina and Alex ran out into the snow.
CROW: John Boy!
> They played around as Hoth1s sky
>lled with flurries. Just then another ship landed. It was the
>Lady Luck, Lando Calrissian's ship. Lando got out and said
MIKE: (Lando) I want you to know that I'm doing this fanfic under protest.
CROW: (Lando) But have some Colt .45 Malt Liquor anyway.
>"I have a present for Alex and Daren Starkiller."
>They looked at Lando and a beautiful woman got off Lando's ship. Alex could only say one
>thing
>"Mom."
TOM: Let's hope they punched some air holes in THAT box, huh?
>Alex and Daren hugged their mother. She said
MIKE: [Mom] Oh, I missed this smothering...
>"Miss Skywalker contacted me from Coruscant. I couldn't wait to see you after ten years."
>Alex said
>"Mom. I'm sorry. I...."
>"No need to explain, son. Kerrin had you brain washed. I don't blame either of you for
>leaving me."
CROW: But I will anyway!! IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!!
>Alex grabbed Mina"s hand. He said
>"Mom, I'd like to introduce you to Mina Skywalker....... my girlfriend."
MIKE: (Alex) One of twelve, I formed my own cult while you were gone.
>Mina shook hands with Mrs. Starkiller. Alex turned to Mina. He said
>"You planned this."
CROW: (Mina) Along with the legion of stormtroopers that are about to- Ooops.
>Mina nodded. He said
>"I knew there was some reason I loved you."
TOM: [Mina] I'm still not sure what it is, but I'll eventually find something... I hope...
>Then they both looked up. Ben and Daren were holding mistletoe over them. Slowly, they
>kissed to celebrate not only
>Christmas,
CROW: But Hanukah and other holidays. They have to be politically correct.
MIKE: This isn't Star Trek Crow.
> but themselves.
MIKE: They were extremely stuck on themselves.
>"That's a pretty good daughter we've got, eh, Luke."
TOM: (Leyta) Sorry forgot your name for a minute.
>Luke nodded
>"You said it Lee."
>Then, as planned with Ben and Daren,
MIKE: The most undeveloped characters in history...
> Leia and Han held a sprig of mistletoe over Leyta
>and Luke1s heads. They kissed, as
>the soft snow fell on top of them.
TOM: Then the hard snow started falling, blacking out the sky, killing the whole group.
MIKE: That wasn't dark or anything.
TOM: A bot can dream Mike.
>Well, there is only one more story left. It is by Luke's daughter Mina again. It is a
>cool spin on Charles Dickens' story A
>Christmas Carol. Enjoy!
MIKE: Sooooo, Charles Dickens was born long, long ago in a galaxy far, far away...
TOM: Pretty much.
>Hopefully meeting Mara under the mistletoe,
>Lando Calrissian
ALL: Ewww.
>
>A Star Wars Christmas Carol
>By Mina Skywalker (With thanks to Mr. Ivan Trotter and Charles Dickens)
CROW: The rhythmic thumping you hear in the background is Mr. Trotter and Mr. Dickens
spinning in their respective graves.
>(Enter Carollers on Coruscant, plus Biggs and Wedge)
MIKE: Carollers? Fans of Carol Chaning? Carol Burnett?
>Carollers: God rest thee merry gentleman, leave nothing to dismay. Remember Christ our
>saviour was born on Christmas Day......
ALL: [singing] Or will be, someday....
>Leia: Get away! I'll have no singing around her! Hear me, no singing!
TOM: Oh god, she's trying to write old english!!
>Wedge: A Merry Christmas, Princess.
>
>Leia: Get away I say!
>
>Biggs: No need to wish her a Merry Christmas. That's old Leia.
MIKE: He's dead!! Yeesh, a few lines in and already we've got a ghost.
>Narrator (resembles George Lucas):
MIKE: At least, until the lawsuit.
> Yes, that is old Leia. Princess Leia Organa. It is the
>year of our Lord 2044,
TOM: Don't you mean 2044 thousand BC?
> despite the bitterly cold weather all of Coruscant is in a happy
>mood.
MIKE: [Darth Vader] Happy, happy... Joy, joy.
> But there is no happy expression on Princess Leia1s line face as she goes to her
>office. She throws a glowering look at her clerk, Luke Skywalker. Satisfied that the poor
>wretch is hard at work she adjusts her hair buns. Then, without warning......
CROW: Then she adjusted her cinnamon buns.
>Jaina: A Merry Christmas Mother. God save you!
>
>Leia: Christmas. Humbug.
>
>Jaina: Christmas a humbug? Surely you don't mean that Mother.
>
>Leia: What right have you to be merry. You're poor enough.
TOM: Call the CPS!
>Jaina: What right have you to be dismal. You're rich enough.
TOM: What right have you to force this story on us, Clare? You're goofy enough.
>Leia: What Christmas time to you?
CROW: It Christmas time! It important!
TOM: Verbs not so important!
> But a time to find yourself a year older and not an hour
TOM: Wiser!
CROW: Further through this fanfic!
>richer. If I had my way every idiot who goes about with Merry Christmas on his lips would
>be boiled with his own pudding and sent into space with a stake of holly through his heart.
MIKE: That'd be painful. Yet the corpse would smell good.
>Jaina: I wanted to ask you to spend Christmas Day with Jacen, Anakin and me.
>
>Leia: No!
CROW: You know twenty years down the line, Jania's going to be paying half her salary on
therapy and 12-step programs.
MIKE: And that's "okay"
>Jaina: But we want nothing of you Mother, other than your company. Please chance your mind.
CROW: [Leia] I can't chance my mind; what if I lose it?
MIKE: Well, then she's out a couple bucks.
TOM: Zing!
>Leia: Good afternoon, Jaina.
>
>Jaina: Merry Christmas
>
>Leia: Good Afternoon.
>
>Jaina: And a Happy New Year.
CROW: [Leia] Good evening?
TOM: [Jaina] Happy Valentine's Day!
CROW: [Leia] Good NIGHT!
TOM: [Jaina] Happy Arbor Day.
>Luke: Eh, Princess Leia, there is a gentleman here to see you.
TOM: (Luke) By gentle I mean he breaks easily, handle with care, right side up only.
>Leia: What about, Skywalker.
MIKE: What about Bob?
>Luke: He didn't say, Princess.
>
>Lando: Good afternoon. Have I the pleasure of addressing Princess Leia or Miss Mon Mothma?
MIKE: He's a gentlemen?
>Leia: Mon Mothma, my former partner died seven years ago. She died seven years ago this
>very night.
CROW: Mon Mothma? Sounds like a Godzilla villain. Godzilla vs. Mon Mothma.
>Lando: Than I have no doubt her liberality is well represented by her surviving, and
>charming partner.
CROW: Well, one out of two ain't bad.
>Leia: What do you want.
MIKE: I want rhythm... I want music... Well, who could ask for anything more?
>Lando: In this festive season, Princess Leia, we try to collect money for the poor and
>destitute. Many are in want of common necessitates.
CROW: Many are in want of grammar.
>Leia: Are there no prison?
MIKE: Am there no proofreaders?
>Lando: Oh, plenty of prison.
TOM: (Lando) Prison isn't very nutritious. But it's full of riboflavin.
>Leia: And the workhouses, are they still in operation?
>
>Lando: I wish I could say they were not.
MIKE: [Lando] But it's cold outside, and my tongue is numb.
>Leia: Well than let these deserving people go to the establishments I have mentioned.
>
>Lando: But most would rather die.
TOM: [Marie Antoinette] Let zem eat cake!
>Leia: Than let them do that. And help decrease the galaxy's surplus population. I1m busy.
>Good day to you.
>
>Lando: Very well. Good day, Princess Leia.
MIKE: (Russian) You capitalist pig, the revolution will sink you.
>Luke: Errrr, Princess Leia.
>
>Leia: What is it, Skywalker?
>
>Luke: I was wondering.......
TOM: (Luke) Where do babies come from?
>Leia: You were wondering if you could go home!
>
>Luke: Yes Princess, its getting late.
MIKE: (Leia) It's only seven o'clock!
CROW: (Luke) Yeah, well it's midnight somewhere, now let me go home!
TOM: Let's go home our selves.
6.. 5.. 4.. 3.. 2.. *..
(Mike and the bots are standing all wrapped up in the middle of a snow storm)
CROW: You know, with that StarKiller character in today's fan fic, I was thinking of some other
Skywalker sounding names.
TOM: How about NovaChaser. Or NetSurfer.
MIKE: How about BookReader, or SnowYellower.
CROW: FrogSmasher.
TOM: PooperScooper.
MIKE: LavaScooper.
TOM: DeathStalker.
CROW: TougueSpitter.
TOM: DwarfPusher.
MIKE: QuakePlayer.
TOM: MacLover.
CROW: MacGuyver.
MIKE: McDonalds.
TOM: McLean
MIKE: Arch Deluxe.
CROW: See what fun you can have with peoples' names?
TOM: Although you DO know that Starkiller was George Lucas's original name for Luke Skywalker,
right?
CROW: Damn you, Tom Servo!
MIKE: That was a bit unnecessary, Tom.
TOM: Well, I just figured that with all the factual and continuity errors that Clare Mosely
makes, if we made one, we'd just be sinking to her level.
CROW: But that's never stopped us before, Tom. Particularly you. (Moviesign) Oh. Look,
moviesign.
ALL: MOVIESIGN!!!
*.. 2.. 3.. 4.. 5.. 6..
>Leia: Very well. I suppose you must have the whole day tomorrow.
>
>Luke: If convenient, Princess.
TOM: Downtown Ford, crummy location, great prices.
>Leia: It1s not convenient. And it's not fair!
MIKE: (Leia) You have to drive six miles and then it costs six pounds for a gallon of milk!
>Luke: But it's only once a year, Princess.
CROW: [Leia] Yeah, but compared to what happens to me once a mon-
[MIKE grabs Crow's beak.]
CROW: Hrrrrrry!
>Leia: A poor excuse for picking a worker's pocket every twenty-fifth day of December.
>Take the day off, but be here all the earlier the next, understand.
CROW: She stole this from the labor practices of Kathy Lee Gifford. (makes whip sound)
(Kathy Lee) Cody needs another summer house, work faster!
MIKE: That was cruel.
CROW: Thank you.
>Luke: Yes Princess, Merry Christmas.
>
>Leia: Christmas, Bah Humbug!
>
>
>Narrator:
TOM: (Narrator) The place: Sumeria, the year: 787.
> Leia makes her way to her chambers, a gloomy suite of rooms. By the light of a
>single flickering glow panel she eats her cold supper. Then, to save lighting the rest
>of the room Leia retires for the night.
CROW: Let's see, I'm in charge of the biggest government around, with it paying all my bills,
and I'm frugal... What kind of logic is that? Oh wait, logic doesn't apply in Mosely fics.
> eeps uneasily, tossing from side to
>side. Time passes, then.....
MIKE: It's intercepted by the defense, he's at the twenty, the ten the...
>(chain dragging)
MIKE: You may wanna have that looked at.
>Narrator: Leia awakes with a start. Walking towards her and dragging a heavy chain is a grey,
>dim figure of a woman. Leia stares in silence, she then speaks.
TOM: I forgot the rules, in a Mosely fan fic a comma means a tense change right?
>Leia: Who are you? What do you want with me? Who are you?
>
>Mon Mothma: Ask me who I was.
MIKE: (Mothma) C'mon ask, I'll bet you'll never get it. C'mon ask me, I dare you!
>Leia: You're...... You're......
>
>Mon Mothma: Yes, in life I was your partner, Mon Mothma.
CROW: Looks like Leia's having an episode.
TOM: Well, they say to write what you know
>Leia: I cannot be so. You're dead!
MIKE: (Mothma) I'm not dead! I'm getting better.
>Mon Mothma: You don't believe in me?
>
>Leia: No! You're nothing but an undigested bit of Bantha. A blot of mustard, a crumb of
>cheese.
TOM: (Leia) A pinch of salt and a bit of dried thyme. That's all you need for this delicious
dish from the good people at Qqqqygzzz's on Xqqxxyy.
MIKE: In Scrabble you would of just scored 152.
>Mon Mothma: You are wrong Leia. I am the ghost of Mon Mothma.
>
>Leia: Why do you come to me?
CROW: (Mothma) It is a contractual thing.
>Mon Mothma: It is required of every person to be a peace with the force and to cherish
>life. And if that spirit does not do so in life it is condemned after death.
TOM: Christianity and the "force" do not mix well.
>Leia: I don1t believe it.
>
>Mon Mothma: It is than doomed to wander through the world.
>
>Leia: You are chained, Mon Mothma.
CROW: (Mothma) Oh still? Oops, things with me and Ackbar got out of hand. Tee hee.
>Mon Mothma: I wear the chain I forged in life. I made it link by link and yard by yard. I
>wore it of my own free will. Is it1s pattern strange to you?
TOM: (Leia) I don't know, did you get it at Target or Payless?
>Leia: I don1t understand.
TOM: It's simple, Leia. Clare Mosely lifted the story from Dickens's A Christmas
Carol nearly verbatim and just changed the names.
>Mon Mothma: The chain I wear is as heavy as the one you are now forging.
MIKE: [Mon Mothma] In the future, this is what the will call "raiment of litigation."
CROW: Or, in other words, a law suit.
>Leia: You talk strangely.
MIKE: (Mothma) That's because my mouth is all numbed up after my root canal.
>Mon Mothma: For seven years I have been dead. Travelling the whole time. No rest, no peace,
>only remorse.
>
>Leia: But you were always shrewd, Mon Mothma.
>
>Mon Mothma: Ahhh, too shrewd.
CROW: She was Killer Shrewd. She's all shrewd up.
>Leia: A good woman of business.
CROW: A head for business and a body for sin.
MIKE: I have to let you get away with that one.
>Mon Mothma: Business? mankind was my business. The common welfare was my business. Charity,
>mercy, forbearance were all my business. But I heeded none of these. Instead I thought
>only of money.
TOM: That's not the best thing to do when running a major government.
>Leia: And what is wrong with making money?
MIKE: (Leia) You don't like money? Are you a commie?
>Mon Mothma: That is your fault, Leia, as it was mine. That is why I am here tonight, it
>is part of my penance. I am here to warn you. To help you escape my fate. You have one
>chance left.
CROW: (Mothma) Of course, your chances are about the same as winning the California lottery.
>Leia: Tell me how this chance will come.
TOM: There shall be a hole in the plot. Jump through!
>Mon Mothma: My time draws near. I must go. Tonight you will be haunted by three spirits. The
>first will appear when the bell strikes one. Expect the second at the stroke of two and the
>third as the bell tolls three.
TOM: (Hunchback) The bells! The bells!!!
>Leia: Couldn1t I take them all at once, and have it over with?
MIKE: No, go for door number 2!
TOM: The money! The car!
CROW: The curtain! The curtain!
>Mon Mothma: No! And heed them when they appear. Remember, it is your last chance to escape
>my miserable fate.
>
>Narrator: As Leia stares in frighten silence the wraith- like figure of her deceased partner
>dissolves into space. One o'clock comes.......
MIKE: [singing] One, two, three o'clock, four o'clock rock...
CROW: [harmony] Five, six, seven o'clock, eight o'clock rock...
CROW and TOM: [harmony] Nine, ten, eleven o'clock, twelve o'clock rock...
ALL: [bringing it home] We're gonna rock around the clock tonight! [mild laughter]
>(Bells sound once)
>
>Narrator: The curtains of Leia's bed are drawn aside, but by now visible hand. Leia jumps.
>She looks at the first spirit. It is a short, unidentifiable creature named Yoda.
TOM: Y-O-D-A Yoda! I found him in a swamp down in Dagobaugh it looked like a giant carbonated
soda. S-O-D-A soda!!
> It is
>green with a sprig of fresh green holly in his hand. Leia stares, then speaks.
>
>Leia: Are you the spirit whose coming was told to me by Mon Mothma?
MIKE: (Yoda) I don't think so.. do you know where Kermit the frog is?
>Yoda: I am.
>
>Leia: Who, and what are you?
>
>Yoda: I am Yoda. The ghost of Christmas past.
CROW: (Yoda) And championship shuffle boarder.
>Leia: Long past?
>Yoda: No, your past. Rise, and walk with me.
TOM: (Leia) Speaking of rise, is that the force in your robe or are you just happy to see me?
>Leia: Where?
>
>Yoda: Out through the window.
ALL: Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
>Leia: But we are three hundred stories above ground. I am only a mortal.
MIKE: Ah. Three hundred. That's how we know that this is, in fact, Star Wars.
>Yoda: Trust in the force and you can fly.
CROW: Safety pin a towel too your shirt and you can fly. Natural selection, it's only natural.
>Leia: Where will we go?
>
>Yoda: Into the night, into the past.
TOM: We're going forward to the past.
>Leia: Where are we?
>
>Yoda: Look, Young one, and remember back.
>
>Leia: Why, yes, Endor! I remember here. I met my husband, Han, here.
MIKE: You know, for a Star Wars fan, she's not very knowing of the story.
>Yoda: Yes, now watch. There is Han. You sit next to him. A young, beautiful girl. Only now
>your face begins to show the signs of avarice. Listen to what he is saying.
TOM: [Han] Uhhh... Pre-nuptial agreement? Was THAT what I signed?
>Han: I am no longer important to you. The only idol which matters is money. I can not take
>it anymore. I want a divorce, Leia. This is how you wish is, Leia. I feel sorry for you.
CROW: All plot specific dialogue, all the time.
>Yoda: Han and you had three children together.
MIKE: Okay, I've read a couple of Star Wars novels, and they weren't married until five years
*after* Return of the Jedi. You know that she reviews Star Wars novels?
CROW: Guess she has the reading level of a third grader. And the writing skills.
>Leia: Yes, Jacen, Jaina and Anakin.
CROW: Thanks for the recap, Leia. And now, here's Admiral Ackbar with the weather.
>Yoda: Jaina was in to wish you a Merry Christmas today.
>
>Leia: Yes, she did so. Please, take me back.
MIKE: (Yoda) You could go back anytime, just click your heals together and chant "There's no
writer like Lucas. There's no writer like Lucas"
>Yoda: No, you must know today, Han is a miserable smuggler. You two might have been happy
>together, if you had not been so selfish.
TOM: Let's see, you insult him, then say he would be good for her. Yoda's not a very good
ghost of Christmas past..
>Leia: Please take me back!
ALL: [singing] ... to a land of cotton, old times there and I've forgotten...
>Narrator: Leia awakes, finding herself in her bed chambers. The door, thought locked,
>swung open.
>
>Fett: Good Morning, Leia! Welcome me! I am the ghost of Christmas Present!
MIKE: Oh, sure. The only guy with fewer lines in the Star Wars Trilogy was David Prowse,
but all of a sudden, Boba Fett is just the happiest little chatterbox... courtesy of
Clare Mosely.
>Leia: Aren1t you a little tall for a spirit? And I cannot see your face.
TOM: (Fett) I'm a tall spirit, but short for a Stormtrooper.
>Fett: Have you never seen the like of me before?
>
>Leia: Never.
CROW: (Leia) Despite the fact that you captured and imprisoned my husband, tried to kill him
about a kigillion times, tried to kill the rest of my family, and everybody else I know
and love, I've never heard of you.
>Fett: There are many Mandalorian warriors. Over 2000 of them. But come. There is much to see.
>You must see the Christmas of those who honour it.
>
>Leia: Look, the crew of that starship! They1re shaking hands with the Commander.
MIKE: [Fett] His people call it a "high five."
>Fett: Wishing him a Merry Christmas. But come, there is still another place we must visit.
>It is a very poor house, on this very low level on Coruscant.
>
>Leia: Indeed it is. Who may I ask lives here?
CROW: (Fett) O.J. after that settlement even Kato kicked him out.
>Fett: An underpaid Jedi named Luke Skywalker.
MIKE: An underpaid...no, she didn't really say that.
>Leia: The Luke Skywalker who works for me?
CROW: (Fett) How many Luke Skywalkers do you know?
>Fett: The very same.
>
>Leia: That woman. Those four children.
TOM: The 2.4 dogs and/or cats.
>Fett: His wife and family.
>
>Leia: Coming up the stairs, that1s Skywalker. He carries a young boy.
TOM: Their only dinner this Christmas.
MIKE and CROW: Tom!
>Fett: His fifth brat, Tiny Tim.
>
>Leia: He carries a crutch.
>
>Fett: Because he's cripple.
CROW: The ghost of Christmas Present didn't get his Prozac today...
>Leia: But Bacta treatment......
TOM: .... has yet to pass FDA testing..
>Fett: Skywalker cannot afford Bacta treatment, not on fifteen credits a week.
MIKE: How about Bactine treatment? Let's not forget that.
>Leia: But...
>
>Fett: Shut up! I'm trying to hear.
MIKE: I'm just trying to picture Boba Fett with his ear on a glass on a door.
>Luke: Good afternoon everyone.
>
>Tim: And a most Merry Christmas.
>
>Leyta: Luke, Tiny Tim.
CROW: (Leyta) Little Bob, Big Joe, Smallish Pete, Surly Sam, Bitter Gustav, and the rest of you.
>Ben: Welcome.
>
>Obi- Wan: Merry Christmas.
TOM: You ever notice that Obi-Wan sounds like it could be OB-1. And he fought in the clone
wars? Huh? Hint, hint, nudge, nudge, know what I mean?
>Mina: Tiny Tim, sit next to me.
>
>Biggs: Father, let me take your lightsaber.
MIKE: It's fairly sick to name all your kids after dead friends.
>Leyta: And how did Tiny Tim behave at the Jedi Temple?
CROW: (Luke) He offended the Jedi and everything they believe in, he made several of them cry.
But other than that..
>Luke: As good as Gold and better.
MIKE: Then why couldn't you sell him for some?
>Tim: I was glad to be able to go to the Temple, because I wanted the Jedi to see I am a
>cripple.
>
>Leyta: Now that's a peculiar thing to say, Tiny Tim.
TOM: She hit the nail on the head.
>Tim: No it isn't. That1s because I was in the force's house and it was the force that
>created life and sustains it.
MIKE: Hold it. Seeing a contradiction here. The force created life, yet they are celebrating
Christmas, a celebration of the guy who brought gods message, the message is that god
that created everything.
> And when the Jedi at the temple saw me and my crutch they
>would meditate for me.
CROW: (Tim) After they finished their IBM ad.
>Leyta: I1m certain they must have meditated for you.
TOM: Well, that, or they were asleep.
>Tim: And one of these days I1m going to get well, and that will mean I can throw away this
>crutch and run and play like the other boys.
TOM: I don't think running and playing on top of a skyscraper is that good of an idea.
>Luke: You will, Tim. One of these days. And now, Leyta, the big question. When will dinner
>be ready?
MIKE: Depends on how you like your shoe leather.
>Leyta: It's ready right now. Just about the finest Bantha you ever seen. Mina, you carry it in.
>Ben, you fetch the turnips and potatoes. Obi Wan, Biggs, you set the chairs around the table.
CROW: Potatoes are what we eat.
>Tim: And I'll sit between father and mother.
>
>Leia: It"s not a big roast Bantha. I could eat the whole thing myself, I believe.
MIKE: [Fett] I know. I haunted you last Christmas.
>Fett: It's all Skywalker can afford. His family doesn't complain. To them, the meagre
>Bantha is a sumptuous banquet. And
CROW: "Meagre"? Bantha? Forget it.
>more important, much more important Leia.....
MIKE: (Fett) Is the sad fact that one of the Alliances top generals gets so little pay.
>Leia: Go on.
>
>Fett: They're a happy and united group. Just look at their shinning faces. Listen to them.
MIKE: You know, their faces do look like shins.
>Skywalkers laugh happily
CROW: Earlier on, I was asking for stage directions. I'm doing a 180 on that.
>Luke: That was the best Christmas dinner ever. The tempting meat. The delicious dressing.
TOM: The yellow snow.
>Tim: And the plum pudding father, don't forget that.
MIKE: This is when Bill Cosby comes in with a dozen singing children pushing Jello plum pudding
down their throats.
>Luke: Yes, that pudding was the best success of your mother's since she married me.
>
>Skywalker kids laugh
TOM: Then they realize the terrible insult their father has paid them and their mother
and run away, never to be seen again.
MIKE: Don't you think that's just a bit dark, Tom?
>Leyta: Oh, you, Luke.
>
>Luke: Now, the finishing touch. The punch
>
>Skywalker kids: Oh good. The punch.
TOM: The left hook!
MIKE: The jab!
CROW: The uppercut!
>Luke: Come, get your glasses.
CROW: Your Burger King glasses.
> First you, Ben, Obi Wan, Biggs, Mina, Tiny Tim, and last,
>but not least, you Leyta. And not to forget myself.
>
>Tim: A toast!
MIKE: Is this where they roast those stormtroopers on an open fire?
CROW: Let's go Mike...
6.. 5.. 4.. 3. 2.. *...
(Mike and the bots are standing all wrapped up in the middle of a snow storm)
(A loud Ho! Ho! Ho! is heard blasting through the SOL)
MIKE: What the? Cambot, give me Rocket Number Nine!
(Outside of SOL, a sleigh driven by reindeer is flying through space.)
CROW: Hey! It's Santa Claus!!
MIKE: I don't think so. (Looks outside) Yeah, I thought so. (Walks unto bridge)
TOM: What do you suppose he's doing? (The ship lurches and collides with something; Mike walks
back in)
MIKE: Ah, that's better. Give me Rocket Numbre Nueve, Cambot.
(Outside the SOL, the sleigh is broken, and corpses and dead reindeer drift free in space.)
CROW: Mike!! What did you do? You just killed Santa Claus!!!!
TOM: You're worse than the Grinch!
MIKE: I didn't kill Santa Claus!
CROW: Oh, yeah, then who was that?
MIKE: Dudley Moore, Ernest, and Tim Allen were in that sleigh!
TOM: So killing them is any better? I.. guess it is.. (Movie sign) MOVIE SIGN!!
*.. 2.. 3.. 4.. 5.. 6..
>Luke: First, to the founder of this feast. The woman who made it all possible. I give you
>Princess Leia.
TOM: Princess Leia ladies and gentleman. She'll be appearing in Joe Laffs on New Green Bay
on Friday.
>Leyta: Princess Leia indeed! I'd give her a piece of my mind to feast upon. And I hope
>she'd have a good appetite for it!
CROW: (Cat growls)
>Luke: Leyta, my dear, Christmas Day.
>
>Leyta: She's a hard, stingy, unfeeling woman, Luke, you know that. Better than anyone else.
MIKE: Hard? Stingy? This sounds like she's describing meat or something.
>Luke: My dear, the children, Christmas Day?
CROW: [Leyta] That's what you said _last_ year, dear, and now we've another mouth to feed.
>Leyta: Fine. I'll drink to her health. A long life to Princess Leia.
TOM: (Skywalkers) May she burn in hell!
>Skywalkers: To Princess Leia.
>
>Luke: Now a toast to us. God Bless us.
CROW: (Luke) Despite the fact that this is way before Christ!
>Skywalkers: God Bless Us!
>
>Tim: God Bless Us, Everyone!
CROW: Mike, tell me again what a copyright lawyer is.
MIKE: Well, Crow, it's like this...
>Leia: Fett, tell me if Tiny Tim will live.
MIKE: (Fett) He'll grow up to be an accountant and marry an woman from Montana where they will
raise rabbits.
>Fett: I see an empty seat in a chimney corner. A crutch without an owner, carefully
>preserved. If these shadows remain unaltered the child will die.
TOM: The child will die -t. Like the pope.
>Leia: Oh No!
MIKE: ([Fett] Don't worry. At least he'll be out of the story.
>Fett: Isn't it better he die, and decrease the galaxy's surplus population.
>
>Leia: No! Please, Fett, these poor people must be help!
CROW: Must be help? This is too easy.
>Fett: Are there no prisons, and the work houses, are they still in operation?
>
>Leia: Don't taunt me!
MIKE: [Galahad] Torment me no longer!
>Fett: Come. I can remain no longer.
>
>Leia: No! I wish to stay!
CROW: [Leia] I wanna go on Space Mountain!
>Fett: No. We must go.
>
>Narrator: Leia finds herself standing in the street outside her house. A light snow is
>falling, blanketing a sleeping Coruscant.
CROW: Of course out side her house is a five hundred story drop.
>3ed Ghost: Leia........... Princess Leia Organa...............
>
>Leia: You are the third, and last.
MIKE: (Ghost) I am the third ghost from the sun yes.
>3ed ghost: Yes, I am the ghost of Christmas yet to come.
>
>Leia: I tremble with going with you. I fear what I am to see.
TOM: (Ghost) You also wet your self on Space Mountain, what's your point?
>3ed Ghost: Come Leia.............
CROW: (Jamaican) Come to the island!
>Leia: A street corner, why do we pause here?
>
>3ed Ghost: Those two women standing there. Do you know them?
TOM: (Leia) Yes very we- (Mike clamps his beak shut)
>Leia: Yes, that's Mara Jade and Callista. I do business with them.
>
>3ed Ghost: Their conversation is interesting.
MIKE: This is getting very voyeuristic.
>Mara: When did she die?
>
>Callista: Last night I believe.
>
>Mara: What did she do with her money?
CROW: She had it buried with her in her triple sealed lead coffin, she was really paranoid!
>Callista: Left it to her company, perhaps. One things for certain, she did not leave it
>to charity.
TOM: She didn't need to, Ted Turner is feeding most of Zygnork!
>Mara: Are you going to her funeral?
>
>Callista: Not unless a free lunch is provided
MIKE: It's cold in here, do you fell a draft?
>Mara: A very good point. I can1t say I blame you.
MIKE: Indeed.
>Leia: Spirit. Who is that woman those woman we discussing.
CROW: Them woman was discussing you, Princesses.
>3ed Ghost: I will show you.
>
>Leia: Spirit, this room, it is too dark to see.
TOM: (Ghost) Another one of those bloody west coast power outages.
>3ed Ghost: In front of you is a bed, on it lies a woman. The body of the woman those
>women in the street were discussing.
>
>Leia: And no one has come to claim the body?
CROW: Insert ER medical gobbly gook here.
>3ed Ghost: No, for she left not a friend behind. Look at her.
>
>Leia: No!
MIKE: (Ghost) Look at her. Look at her. C'mon, look into her face of doom.
>3ed Ghost: Look into the face of this unclaimed woman!
TOM: Yes, unclaimed women. NOW how much would you pay?
>Leia: I would if I could, but I haven't the power. Show me so tenderness connected to
>death. Or this lonely body in this room will forever haunt me.
MIKE: It doesn't have to haunt her! She can make it walk. Think about it "Weekend at Bernie's
Three: The Next Generation!" On the other hand, let's not think about it.
>3ed Ghost: Yes, I know of such a home. One where there is tenderness connected to death.
>It1s right here in this dismal house in this poor section of Coruscant.
CROW: (Leia) Boy, OJ has hit new lows since that settlement.
>Leia: I1ve been here before. Luke Skywalker lives here. There's his wife, Leyta and their
>daughter, Mina.
>
>Mina: Mother, your eyes. You1ll strain them working in this bad light.
TOM: Actually, studies have shown that all that does is give you a slight headache.
>Leyta: I'll stop for a while. I wouldn't want to show weak eyes to your father. It was
>time he was home.
MIKE: I wish they'd stop for our weak minds.
CROW: Speak for yourself Mike.
>Mina: Passed it rather. But these days, he walks slower than he used to.
MIKE: [Mina] And he was always fairly slow.
>Leyta: I knew him to walk with Tiny Tim on his shoulder very fast. He was no trouble
>and your father loved him so. Heres your father right now. You're late tonight, Luke.
>
>Luke: Yes, I'll late.
TOM: Apparently the laws of grammar bend around the Mosely-verse.
>Mina: I'll leave you alone.
>
>Leyta: You went there tonight.
MIKE: (Leyta) You went and made another Mosely fan fic, didn't you!
>Luke: Yes, it would have done you good to see how beautiful it is. I promised Tim I would
>visit all the time. My poor Tiny Tim, at last he got rid of his crutch.
CROW: He got a new one, right? Right? (Mike & Tom shake their heads) Oh.. Never mind...
>Leyta: Yes, at last he did. Our poor Tiny Tim.
>
>Leia: Spirit, why did Tiny Tim have to die?
TOM: To advance the plot.
>3ed Ghost: Come, we must go.
CROW: Go, we must... WHOA! Never mind!
>Leia: A graveyard? Why do we pause here?
MIKE: (3rd Ghost) I just enjoy reading tombstones and laughing at the names, so what?
>3ed Ghost: That tombstone. Read the name on it.
CROW: (Leia) Here lies 'The Single Guy'. Look who's laughing now.
>Leia: Before I do, tell me. Are these the things that will be or the things that may be only?
TOM: Say again?
>3ed Ghost: The tombstone.
MIKE: (3rd Ghost) What do you want on your Tombstone? I prefer olives and bell peppers.
>Leia: It reads..... Princess Leia Organa..... Oh no! Spirit! I am not the person I was.
>
>3ed Ghost: It is too late for you to chance. You are too much like me.
CROW: (3rd Ghost) I'm the Monopoly Guy, it's too late for chance, you'll have to settle for
Community Chest.
>Leia: Who are you.
>
>3ed Ghost takes off hood: I am Darth Vader, your father. And Luke's..........
TOM: (Vader) Orthodontist.
>Leia: Luke is my brother? Please father!
CROW: Haven't been paying attention much, have we?
> Let me help him! I must have my nephew live!
>Let me live! Please say there is hope that I may wipe away the writing on this stone.
>
>Vader: You may yet have a chance.
CROW: [Vader] Here's an eraser.
>Leia: Please say there is hope! What am I holding onto? My bedpost? I1m in my own bed!
>Home! Those bells! It must be Christmas morning! Let's see, open the window! You, boy
>down there!
MIKE: (Leia) Are those Bugle Boy jeans your wearing?
>Wedge: Eh?
MIKE: (Canadian) Wedge is a hoser, eh.
>Leia: Yes, you! What day is it my fine lad!
>
>Wedge: Why today is Christmas Day!
>
>Leia: And to think. The spirits did it all in one night. Tell me, have they sold the
>prize Bantha in the butcher shop down the street.
CROW: You think in a gigantic galaxy, they'd have more to eat than bantha.
>Wedge: The one as big as me?
>
>Leia: Yes!
>
>Wedge: It's still there!
MIKE: (Leia) WHY ARE WE SHOUT- ing?
>Leia: Buy it! I am in earnest.
CROW: Nope. I'm not gonna say it.
MIKE: And for that, we thank you.
>Wedge: But there will be considerable chance left.
TOM: Chance to end this story, I hope.
>Leia: If you deliver the Bantha to Luke Skywalker who lives on the lowest level in the
>Imperial City you may keep it.
CROW: You know, being an avid Star Wars fan, the lower levels of Coruscount are inhabited by
feral little creatures that eat all that's warm, let alone a family.
>Wedge: Thank you, Princess.
>
>Leia: Oh and boy, a very Merry Christmas to you.
>
>(Later that day)
TOM: Later that day gunfire erupted in the lowest levels of Coruscount, catching Luke and his
annoying family in a crossfire.
>Jaina: Why who is it? Why bless my soul! Mother!
>
>Leia: Yes, it is I. I have presents for your brothers and you. Now let me in!
MIKE: (Jania) Not by the hair of my chiny-chin-chin!
>Han: Leia?
>
>Leia: Han? Oh! I have missed you! I have changed! I want to get married again. I have
>change. You'll see.
CROW: (Han) Sure I'll marry you on your word even though I have no reason to trust you at all!
>Narrator: Leia was better than her word. She and Han married again and are happy. She told
>Luke of their relation and they became partners in their own business.
TOM: Didn't she already have her own business?
> And to Tiny Tim,
>who did not die, Leia treated like her own son.
MIKE: Then grew up, grew long hair, and started playing the ukulele.
> She provided Bacta treatment and soon, Tiny
>Tim will have his wish, he will be able to throw away his crutch and run and play like the
>other boys. As for the four spirits, Leia never saw them again.
CROW: They would soon be haunting Scrooge McDuck and the Muppets.
> That was due to the
>unchallangable fact that Princess Leia Organa Solo, for the rest of her days, kept
>Christmas alive all the year. So as Tiny Tim observed.......... God Bless us, Everyone.
CROW: And Dr. Forrester never sent Mike and the Bots another fanfic ever again.
TOM: Whew, I'm glad that's finally over...
MIKE: You said it.. let's go.
6.. 5.. 4.. 3.. 2.. *..
(Mike, bots, snowstorm, bundled up)
(Mike and the bots are looking very downtrodden)
TOM: You know, I just figured out the cause of seasonal depression.
CROW: What?
TOM: Bad Christmas specials like this one!!!
MIKE: You might have a point there.
TOM: This is just a perfect example. This is even worse than the original Star Wars Christmas
Special!
MIKE: You're definitely right there. remember the Peanuts Christmas special?
CROW: Don't remind me. And let's not limit them to just TV. How about bad movies? Like Ernest
Saves Christmas? Or "The Preacher's Wife."
TOM: Ugh. Or "Santa Claus: the Movie."
MIKE: You know, one time I watched the worst Christmas movie I've ever seen, outside of
that Mexican Santa Claus.
CROW: What?
MIKE: I think it was called Santa Claus vs. the Martians, or something.
TOM: I think I'm going to be sick.
CROW: I'll join you. (Tom and Crow leave)
MIKE: Did I strike a wrong chord? (Mad light) Hello, Dr. Forrester..
(D13)
DR F: Hello Nelson, I'm so happy!
(SOL)
MIKE: Why?
(D13)
DR F: I just found seventeen cents under my pillow! Santa actually paid off his IOU.
(SOL)
MIKE: Sorry to burst your bubble, but the tooth fairly leaves money under pillows, not Santa
Claus. Besides, it's not even Christmas Eve!
(D13)
DR F: Ohhhh, now you've depressed me again, Nelson. Just for that, I'm going to send you a
Clare Mosely fanfic for EVERY HOLIDAY EVER CREATED! If, I can find them, which entirely
depends on her, which I have no control over...
MIKE: But you were going to do that anyway, right?]
DR F: Well, yes, but... now I'm going to enjoy it more! And... (Forrester turns and
puts something into the Umbilicus)
Umbilicus signal goes off.
Several tons of fruitcake start tumbling out of the Umbilicus chamber.
DR. F.: Chew on that, Nelson Eddy!
(Insert button ASCII here)
This was entirely in fun, don't sue us. All characters belong to whomever they do.
> Deedee
>beeped back a remark. Mina replied
>"Same to you, you piece of scrap metal!"
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