MSTed: Stephen Ratliff's "A Royal Mess", Part Two (6/7)
Mighty Jack
[Mike and the bots enter and sit down.]
Crow: I wonder if Honor Harrington took that course?
Mike: Hush.
>
>
>Chapter Eleven
Mike: Ratliff's bankrupt! No more Marrissa Stories ever!
Crow: Keep dreaming, Nelson.
>
>Captain's Log
>STARDATE 48835.12
Tom: Is that Daylight Savings Time or...?
>Admiral Jean-Luc Picard recording
Crow: We bring you now to... The Edge of Wetness!
> We have successfully removed the Romulan and Trakce precence on
>the Planet Essex
Crow: Who were running a lemonade smuggling ring with... THESE MEN:
> and solved the mystery of who was killing the government
>of Essex.
Crow: And who hoped to fraudulently bill the state for road repairs with...
THIS WOMAN:
> Tomallok has admitted that he was behind the whole plot.
Tom: Via seance? I thought Tomalak died!
Crow: He was caught in a suspicious farming implement-related photograph
by... THESE MEN:
> The
>government of Romulus is denying all responsiblity.
Mike: (as Picard) ... and disavowing any knowledge of Tomalak's existence.
Crow: But they would be forced to admit selling drawings of Josie and the
Pussycats in various states of undress to... THESE PEOPLE:
> The prisoner
>transport Justice has arrived to take the Trakce and Romulan prisoners
>to the Minus IV rehabilitation colony.
Tom: So named for the rating of Ratliff's writing skills on a scale of one
to ten.
Crow: All of whom bonked themselves on the head while peering into the
dining room window of... THIS WOMAN:
> Mary Sussex arrived aboard it, per my instuctions, to pick up her
>son Martin. However they will not be departing for her bar on Starbase
>127 for awhile as they will be attending the coronation of her Majesty,
>Queen Victoria the First of Essex.
Mike: (as Mary Sussex) Becoming royalty, going back to bartending, I'm so
torn!
Crow: Yet she was seen buying strawberry-flavored dental fixtures from...
THIS WOMAN:
> Captain Morris has finally been freed from her own brig where the
>Romulans had imprisoned her.
Tom: (as Jay) Oops. Knew we forgot something.
Crow: Just before she finished the snowman modeling... THIS MAN:
> She has commended Jay Gordon for his actions
>during her imprisonment and promoted him to full Ensign.
Mike: (British voice) Lieutenant, take the gun and shoot the Ensign.
> I also add my
>commendation for his assistance in this system to this log.
Crow: Assistance critical to the study of volcanoes done by... THESE WOMEN:
> I also wish to commend, Lieutenant Marrissa Picard and Acting
>Ensign Clara Sutter for their bravery in during this mission.
Tom: (as Picard) Well, not really wish to. I sort of *have* to.
> After
>reviewing Clara's record I am promoting her to full Ensign. Please note
>that this promotion is effective before Jay Gordon's.
Mike: ... because, as we all know, such petty oneupmanship is what makes
any military organization run smoothly.
Crow: After rollicking in the potato fields, they would have to explain
themselves to... THIS MAN:
> This holiness Pope Gregory the twentith, also recieves my
>appreciation,
Tom: (as Picard) ... and I wish to promote him to... oh, wait. That won't
work.
> especaily after I discovered that his ship only has enough
>power for a phaser blast every three minutes. It takes alot of faith to
>go into battle with such armament.
Mike: Faith or the mental prowess usually associated with adults in the
Ratliffverse.
> But the Pope seems to have plenty to
>spare.
Crow: And that brings us to the end of this visit to... The Edge of Wetness!
> We still can find no reason for the Romulans mysterious ejection
>of its null singularity generator.
Tom: (as Picard) We have advised them to think about baseball in the
future.
> I must assume that it was an act of
>God, as the Pope insists as their is no other explanation.
Tom: I'd file this one under "whim of author", personally.
Mike: Actually, that was my fault. I went over there to borrow a cup of
sugar, and I accidentally ejected the core.
Crow: And?
Mike: (Shamefully) The core hit a planet, blowing it up.
>
>
> Princess Marrissa Amber Picard was having a hard time getting
>her dress on right. "Now I know why I haven't worn a dress in two years,"
>Marrissa said. "They're impossible to get right."
Tom: (as Marrissa) Can't I just go back to wearing my bunny pajamas?
> "Stand still for a moment,"
Mike: Stop getting promoted every two seconds!
> Doctor Beverly Picard said as she
>adjusted the dress. "There. Robe please, Deanna."
Crow: Ratliff's writing hot Treksmut now!
> "You should dress up more often," Counselor Troi said. "The
>dress is very becoming."
> "You aren't the one in this uncomfortable garment," Marrissa
>replied.
Tom: Of course, Troi *did* spend seven years wearing "uniforms" that Yeoman
Rand would have refused.
> "Remind me not to become heir to any more planets."
Mike: Sorry, it's Ratliff. Your universal domination is assured.
> "It can't be that bad," Doctor Picard responded.
> "Well at least I now have a level 14 clearance," Marrissa said.
> "Fourteen," Doctor Picard said. "That's one below the Fleet
>Admiral and two above what your father has."
Crow: (as Beverly) Oh, and you can fly, you can heal the sick, and you have
a million billion kazillion hit points.
> "I guess there are some good reasons to be next in line to the
>throne," Marrissa said.
Tom: Sure, she's potentially lost her ability to choose her own life, but
on the other hand, she can get info on all of her commanding
officer's traffic tickets.
> "However, I still want the Queen to get married
>and have children as soon as possible, like you are."
> "How did you know I am pregnant?" the Doctor asked.
Mike: After about seven months or so, it's kind of hard to hide.
> "You know that tricorder that seems to be permanently attached
>to my hand," Marrissa responded.
Crow: (as Marrissa) You know! The one this story's never mentioned before?
> "It was a medical tricorder when you
>arrived back on the Enterprise."
Tom: (as Marrissa) Before that, it was an Engineering PADD, then before
that, it was a Type III Phaser Rifle.
Mike: So, basically Marrissa feels nothing wrong with violating her
adoptive step-mother's civil rights.
Crow: Well, this is Marrissa and an adult we're talking about here, Mike.
> Suddenly their was a knock on the door, and from the other side
>someone said.
Tom: "Is this the men's room?"
> "Princess Marrissa, your carriage is here."
Mike: (as man) We had a devil of a time getting it up here into orbit, let
me tell you. Oh, I'm afraid that re-entry's going to be a bit rough
on the horses.
>
> Outside the Prime Minister's residence, where Marrissa had been
>getting ready, stood a black open air carriage with gold edging. Hitched
>to the carriage were four black Arabian stallions.
Crow: Look out! You're in rural Indiana!
Tom: That is to say, Indiana.
> A man in royal livery
>sat in the front seat. Marrissa's father was already seated on in the
>carriage in the backward facing seat.
Mike: Marrissa wasn't sure why her natural father's vacuum desiccated
corpse was there, but anything for tradition.
> He was wearing his dress uniform
>with all his medals arrayed across his chest.
Crow: (as Picard) This one's for when I beat Admiral Ramirez at racquetball.
This one's for extreme valor when I surrendered to that Bolian
garbage scow. This one's a reward for getting Ambassador McCloud a
danish....
> Marrissa climbed up to join
>her father sitting across from him.
Tom: (as Picard) Now remember, Marrissa, this coach turns back into a
pumpkin at midnight, so don't stay out too late!
> In front of her carriage and a little
>to the right stood Clara and her father's carriage. Clara apparently had
>had better luck with her dress.
Mike: She scratched off the gold stuff and won $50 from the New Jersey
Lottery.
> She sat facing backwards as her father
>Prince Daniel Sutter sat uncomfortable facing forward. As Marrissa
>watched he ran a finger around his dress uniform's collar.
Crow: (as Daniel Sutter) Damned suicide capsule's in here *somewhere*...
> In front of Clara's carriage sat yet another carriage. This one
>contained Martin and his mother Mary. Mary apparently was more suited to
>her dress and Martin's tuxedo was obviously a good fit for the boy as he
>wasn't indicating a single sign of discomfort.
Tom: He keeps acorns in his shirt. He's not exactly sensitive.
> At a signal from a man in royal livery standing at the end of
>the Prime Minister's residence, the column of Royals moved out.
Mike: Oh no, they're moving to Nashville under cover of... daytime!
> As the
>carriages passed the site of the old Royal Palace, already beginning to be
>rebuilt, Another carriage pulled out behind them and men on horseback in
>Royal Colors
Crow: Which, these days, are rubble and debris.
> pulled out and surrounded each carriage. That is except for
>Marrissa's carriage, which in appreciation for Starfleet's help was
>surrounded by horses ridden by some of Worf's best security officers in
Tom: So, Worf grades his security officers on how well they can ride
horses?
>dress uniforms, the yellow and black being in stark contrast to the
>red and gold of the royal uniforms.
Mike: For "being in stark contrast," read "clashing hideously".
> The last carriage meanwhile contained
>Queen Victoria the First and her Prime Minister. The Queen looked radiant
>in her purple robes across from the her recently recovered Prime Minister.
Crow: Turns out he'd been lost in the couch cushions all this time.
Tom: So when do Han Solo and Luke Skywalker walk up to receive their medals?
>The Prime Minister wore his tuxedo with a couple orders which the previous
>King had given him.
Mike: He's a pretty incompetent Prime Minister if the king has to sew
orders into his clothes.
> As they left the palace grounds the sides of the road
>began to be filled by the cheering people of Essex.
Crow: (as people) Yay! Let's accept living vicariously through these
inbred nobles as a substitute for achieving success on our own!
Tom: Meanwhile, Canada watches via closed-circuit television.
> The lamp posts were
>decorated in the Red, Blue and Gold flag of Essex and Golden banners with a
>V R done in purple on them.
Mike: V R troopers?
Crow: So the government of Essex is sponsored by Saban?
> In the crowd people also waved black flags
Tom: ... and they sprayed at Marrissa with the Black Flag, but she was
still there.
Crow: No, they're becoming pirates.
Mike: They're plague carriers.
> with
>the current insignia of Starfleet on them, showing their appreciation of
>Starfleet's help in the latest problem. Marrissa smiled at the crowd.
Tom: (as Marrissa) I love the petty rabble and their adulation.
> They neared the Cathedral of Saint Pauls.
Mike: The place to be for baptisms, confirmations, weddings and fish
sticks.
Crow: You've tried the rest, now try the best!
> The first carriage
>stopped and Martin Sussex got out first and assisted a man in royal livery
>in helping his mother out.
Tom: So, they assisted Martin in assisting his mother.
Mike: Yep.
Tom: What?
> The Princess Mary's train was immediately
>picked up by the young girls picked out by the Queen. The carriage moved
>off and Clara's stopped in front of the Cathedral. Clara's father,
>Prince Daniel stepped off and helped his daughter down.
Crow: They're all going to see Red Hot Riding Hood singing at the club.
> Clara no longer,
Tom: ... she was now known as "Timmy".
>she had obviously adjusted to the role well and now the title Princess
>Clarrissa fit well as a four girls
Mike: (as Rodney Dangerfield) Hey, now, I'm not saying Princess Clarrissa
is big, but four girls could fit in her title, if ya know what
I'm saying....
> from the Kid's Crew's engineering
>department stepped forward to pick up Clarrissa's train.
Crow: Local service for Matawan, South Amboy, Perth Amboy, Woodbridge,
Avenel, Rahway, Linden, Elizabeth, North Elizabeth, Newark,
Hoboken and New York arriving on the northbound track.
All: (locomotive noises)
> Then Marrissas
>carriage pulled up. Her father, Admiral Jean-Luc Picard, got out and
>helped Marrissa down. Four specially chosen young girls from the Enterprise
Tom: ... were to be the special sacrifice unto the dark goddess Marrissa.
>stepped up to pick up her train.
Mike: Much to the surprise of the passengers inside the train.
> Into the Cathedral, they proceeded.
Crow: On into the valley of death, rode the six hundred.
> First
>came Martin holding his mothers hand. Next came, Prince Daniel Sutter
>holding his daughter Clarrissas hand. Then Princess Marrissa entered, her
>adopted father holding her hand.
Crow: They're going to open up a used parts shop!
> Behind her stood her majesty,
>Queen Victoria, at her Prime Minister's side awaiting the signal for her
>to enter.
Tom: Hey, batter batter, swing batter batter.
[Mike stands up, tugs at his ear, turns to the side and pats his belly
a few times.]
> Martin and his mother proceeded to their front row right-side
>seats as did Clara and her father. Marrissa took up her position in a
>seat on the far right of the altar, next to the crown.
Tom: ...and God immediately smote her with lightning for defiling the altar.
The End.
> Her father walked
>back to the front row left side where the Command crew of the Enterprise sat.
Tom: Once again, PULSE-POUNDING HEART-RACING EYE-GOUGING SEATING CHART
ACTION!
Crow: Speaking of eye-gouging, Mike...
Mike: No. Suffer with the rest of us, you wuss.
>As the Pope was not yet ready to start, Marrissa looked around the room.
Crow: This must be the *ultimate* Franklin Mint commemorative chess set.
Mike: She hoped to stop by the concession stand for special Pope
merchandise.
>Behind the crew of the Enterprise sat the Command Crew of the Independence.
>Jay Gordon having got the message that he was to have an aisle seat was
>guarding it jealously.
Crow: So, Jay is jealously guarding the seat that he is sitting on?
> Marrissa wondered if he knew what was in store
>for him.
Mike: Any bets that it'll somehow involve strawberries?
Tom: I'll take that action.
Crow: I'm in for twenty.
> Next her eyes were drawn to the Master of Ceremonies, the only
>member of the Command Crew not in the front row.
Tom: Bert Parks?
Crow: Billy Crystal?
Mike: Barbara Feldon?
Bots: Huh?
> Lieutenant Commander Data
>stood on the left side of the altar in red and gold livery.
Tom: Including saddle!
> As each of the
>guests to the coronation had arrived he had announced them with all their
>titles and honors.
Mike: Oh no! Marrissa's programmed Data to recite her titles for her!
Crow: All the goodness in the universe just died.
Tom: Again?
> Now once again he spoke, "Her Majesty, Queen Victoria
>of Essex, first of that name. Defender of the Realm and Head of State,
>granddaughter of our late king of happy memory, King George the Fourth,
>escorted by her Majesty's Prime Minister, Sir William Lancaster, the member
>from South Londonderry, member of the order of the Defenders of Essex."
Mike: That's just as bad as the "Mystery Science Theater 3000 Vice-
Presidential Command Performance Academy of Robot's Choice Awards
Preview Special"!
> The Queen of Essex began her procession down the aisle. She
>began it with some hesitation but as she progressed, she grew more confident.
Crow: (singing) You can tell by the way she uses her walk she's an Essex
queen... no time to talk.
>As she reached the altar, she kneeled.
Tom: She places the football... waits for Charlie Brown to come running
up...
> As she got back up, Pope Gregory the
>Twentieth began speaking. "Victoria of Essex, you come here today to be
>confirmed in your role as monarch of this planet. This is not an easy task,
>and definitely not one to be taken lightly. Before you mount the throne,
Crow: Please, Mike? Ratliff's just handing them to us now.
Mike: No.
> I
>must ask you, are you willing to take on the responsibility?
Tom: (as Pope) Will you pose for the "heads" side of our coinage, if Star
Trek has money this month?
> To be the
>example for all your people, those alive now and those who will be born in
>your reign.
Mike: (as Pope) To have and to hold, until assassination do you part?
> To defend your people to your last breath. To grant mercy to
>those accused and justice to those oppressed.
Crow: (as Pope) To allow those who go bankrupt in Monopoly the chance to
'reorganize' their debts and continue play.
Tom: (as Pope) To allow those who purchase several of the same item to count
them as one item in the Express lane.
Mike: (as Pope) To demand airlines allow us two pieces of carry-on luggage
on every flight.
> To govern firmly during
>your life and to uphold the rights of your people."
Crow: (as Pope) To live as long as possible and spew out a few kids and
thus prevent Marrissa from accruing even *more* titles.
Tom: (as Pope) To punctuate willy-nilly with little regard to the rules.
Mike: (as Pope) Do you promise to use them as you will? And do you promise
not to throw them into space... until such time as you grow
*weary* of them?
> "I am willing," Victoria responded.
Crow: (as Victoria) If it doesn't interfere with catching "The Simpsons."
> "To those gathered within these walls and those without," the
>Pope continued. "Are you willing to live under the rule of this woman as
>your Queen.
Tom: (as Pope) Can you put off your dreams of becoming a *real* democracy
just a little longer?
> To have her guard your rights and serve you. To in times of
>trouble make decisions for you when time is of the essence. Do you
>want her as your Queen?"
Mike: (as audience member) Are you saying we have a choice?
> "We do," came the overwhelming response of the assembled crowd
>both within Saint Paul's and without.
Crow: (droopy voice) Nay.
Tom: Oh, how nice that the peasants get a choice in determining their
monarch. JOIN THE 18TH CENTURY PEOPLE! IT'S CALLED REPRESENTATIVE
GOVERNMENT! LOOK INTO IT, PEOPLE!
Mike: Actually, they do have a Parliament. Ratliff blew it up in the
first part.
Crow: I think that the public's just picking someone for the press to
gossip about for a few years.
> "Then take your rightful place by both hereditary and the approval of
>the people," the Pope said. "Would the heir to the throne step forward."
Tom: Uh-uh-uh! Didn't say "Simon Says!" You lose, the monarchy is
dissolved.
> Marrissa moved over to take Victoria's place before the Pope as
>Victoria took her seat in the throne before the altar. Marrissa was quite
>nervous, she hoped she didn't show it.
> "Princess Marrissa Amber Picard, you are noted as heir to this
Mike: ... weird obsession of Ratliff's.
>throne," the Pope said. "As such, I must now ask you
Crow: (as Pope) Would you rather shoot her now or wait 'till you get home?
> are you ready to bear
>the responsibilities as I explained them to your royal cousin in the event
>that she is unable to? Are you also ready to support her in ways which she
>will need in the long reign ahead of her? To act as heir to the throne until
>and if she produces a heir?"
Tom: (as Pope) Now, as runner up, you will receive these lovely parting
gifts.
> "I am," Marrissa replied with a sight tremble.
> "Then bring the crown so we may crown your Queen," the Pope
>ordered.
Mike: Better yet, bring a baseball bat so we can crown Marrissa with it.
Crow: You know, I get the feeling the Pope is involved in this story, in
some way.
Tom: I had that feeling too, but I'm not sure. Maybe we could mention
the Pope about 7000 more times to be sure?
> The Pope retreated to the throne
All: *Run away! Run away!*
> which Victoria vacated to kneel
>before the altar. Marrissa retrieved the Crown and it's accompanying articles
>and approached the Pope.
Crow: (as Marrissa) Uh... I kinda broke this, but I used some Krazy Glue
and some Bead Magic parts and I guess it looks almost as good...
doesn't it?
> He picked up the crown and raised it above
>Victorias head. (Making sure it was oriented the right way)
Tom: (as Pope) Pointy side up, and...
Mike: Oh, *thank* you for that utterly vital detail, Steve.
> "I crown thee,
>Queen Victoria the First of Essex, Defender of Faith and Head of State."
Crow: King of Suede.
Tom: Marquis of Queensbury.
Mike: Duke of Earl.
>Lowering the crown onto her head he said. "God Save the Queen."
> The assembled crowd then responded with "God Save the Queen."
Mike: Then the Sex Pistols chimed in with their version of "God Save The
Queen".
> Next he picked up an scepter from the cushion Marrissa bore.
>"Carry this Scepter to remember the weight of your rule."
Crow: (as Gregory) ... and as a token of your robbing the Prime Minister of
his manhood.
> Barely audible from were Marrissa stood, the Queen muttered, "As if
>the crown weren't heavy enough."
Tom: Yeah, cry us a river, *your majesty*. The folks who don't have their
every whim catered to feel real sorry for you.
> As this ended the crowning portion of the coronation, Data
>announced, "We pause now to thank the lord for our blessings."
Crow: Topping that list is... there's not much more of this fanfic left
to read!
[Commercials.]
>
>Chapter Twelve
>
> The next stage of the coronation was what Marrissa was going to
>enjoy, after her part in it was done. As the ancient Quaker melody 'A gift
>to be simple'
All: [chuckle]
> played (never let it be said that Victoria didn't have a
>sense of humor),
Mike: Victoria doesn't have a sense of humor! There. I said it, and I'd
say it again if I had to.
> Marrissa returned to her seat and the Pope took a seat
>next to her.
Crow: Uh... sir, could you remove your hat? The people behind you want
to see.
> The Queen meanwhile pulled a large sword from beside the
>throne and placed it in her lap.
[Crow clears his throat loudly, but doesn't comment.]
Tom: (oblivious) And beheaded Marrissa. The End.
> When the song was over, Data announced, "Here on this
>Coronation Day, the crown wishes to reward many of her people and some not
>of her people.
Mike: (as Data) So everyone check your ticket stubs, we will be drawing ten
Lucky Numbers.
> First as tradition dictates, the heir to the throne,
>Princess Marrissa Amber Picard, Lieutenant in Starfleet, Chief CONN Officer,
>Starship Enterprise NCC-1701-E. Please approach the throne."
Crow: ... and we're to believe that this is the part that Marrissa doesn't
enjoy?
> Marrissa got up and approached the throne. As she kneeled
>before it Queen Victoria began, "Seldom has a Queen had such a heir, many
>of you are familiar with the deeds of my heir. Her deeds have shown that
Tom: (as Victoria) ... she has no business whatsoever commanding a starship.
>this thirteen year-old is more mature than most,
Mike: At least if most are total spazzes.
> and certainly a
>good commanding officer. So with the consultation of my Prime Minister,
Crow: (as Victoria) Whose name escapes me at the moment.
>I have decided not to wait until she turns eighteen to bestow upon her
>the traditional office of the heir to the throne. Rise, Princess of
>Covington, Duchess of Londonderry,
Tom: (as Victoria) And ruler of New Greenpert.
> Princess Marrissa Amber Flores Picard."
Crow: (as Victoria) Take the title! Just please don't hurt us!
Mike: And now the Flores is back.
> Marrissa got up. Even though she knew it was coming, she still
>was embarrassed. As she returned to her seat, Data called out. "Prince
>Daniel. Approach the throne."
Tom: (as Daniel, defiantly) NO!
Crow: Just checking... does Data have *any* connection, formal or informal,
to the government of Essex?
Mike: He knows Marrissa.
> "Since we have a large number of titles floating around,"
Tom: (as Victoria) We're practically giving them away!
>Victoria stated. "We hereby grant you the title of Duke of Yorkshire, a
>title your grandfather once held."
Crow: (as Lone Star) How about that?! I'm a *duke*!
> "Princess Clarrissa Ann, Approach the throne."
Tom: (as a mother) Princess Clarrissa Ann! You approach the throne *this
very minute*!!
> "Clarrissa, your talents as an Engineer have not escaped us,"
>Victoria said. "Neither has your suggestions as to an excellent economic
>prospect. For both these reasons I hereby grant you the title of Marquise
>of Wessex."
Mike: (as Clarrissa) Oh no! I'm in charge of Wesley! Oh wait, she said
Wessex.
> "Princess Mary Sussex, approach the throne."
Crow: (as Clarrissa) So, should I sit down then, or...?
> "We as noted earlier have a large number of titles floating
>around,
Tom: Ten percent off this weekend only at Menard's!
> and it has occurred to me that such a title would be helpful in your
>occupation. Therefore we grant you the title Duchess of Greenwich."
Mike: How exactly will this title help a *bartender*?
Crow: (as queen) Now, do you want to keep that title or trade it in for
$200 and what's behind door number three?
> "Martin Sussex, approach the throne."
> "As your mother has received the Duchy of Greenwich, we are
>granting you the traditional Earlship of the heir to that Dukedom, Rise
>Earl Flores."
Tom: I called Earl Flores once for one of those FTD Pick-Me-Up bouquets.
They were very reasonable.
Mike: Flores, Tom. Not Florist.
Tom: Oh.
Crow: (as Victoria) Arise, Sir Loin of Beef... Sir Osis of Liver... Sir
Cumference of the Circle...
> "Admiral Jean-Luc Picard, approach and kneel before the throne,"
>Data intoned a sign of a smile darting across his face.
> Marrissa's father approached the throne glancing at Marrissa
>briefly, the message, 'If you arranged this ...' clear.
Crow: If you arranged this, you'd be done by now.
Tom: Mike, does it hurt any less if we just accept and don't question?
Mike: I don't know, Tom! I just don't know!
> He kneeled before
>the throne. "As the adopted father of our beloved heir, the Princess of
>Covington, we hereby grant you the titles, Guardian of Essex and Duke of
>New Brittany.
Crow: All this fuss, to rule over Connecticut.
> We also knight you as the first knight of the realm, rise Sir
>Jean-Luc, Duke of New Brittany and First Knight of the Realm." As Jean-Luc
>Picard left the throne another glance was made to Marrissa, this one said,
>'we will speak later.'
Tom: Maybe his tongue is doing semaphore.
> "Jay Gordon, Captain of the Kids Crew of the Starship Independence,
>approach the throne."
Mike: So, really, this is just a Ratliff Introduction Scene, with trumpets?
Crow: I guess so...
> "Jay Gordon, we observed your bravery
Tom: (as Jay) Wait! I'm not there yet!
> and your valor in defending this
>planet.
Tom: (as Jay) Hold on!
> It has not escaped our attention that you did not have to look for
>the ship who had locked up the regular crew. We are aware of the
>commendations you have received for your actions,
Crow: I'll take it, Tom. (as Jay) Geez, I'm kind of caught on something...
there!
> However that does not stop
>us from adding ours, rise Sir Jay,
Mike: Sir Jay Aragones? From Mad Magazine?
> knight of the realm."
Crow: (as Jay) Made it! All right now, you observed something?
> This went on for a couple hours,
Tom: Only a couple? It seems like we've had to read about it for much
longer than that.
> by the time the Queen and the
>royal family left all of the Command crew of the Enterprise were knights of
>the realm. Once again the royal family took off in carriages for a jaunt
>around the city ending at the site of the old Royal Palace.
Mike: Along the way, there were many "Chinese Fire Drills".
> From there
>they beamed up to Enterprise for the Ball to be held later that night in
>the Main Shuttlebay.
Crow: Where the main forcefield would fail and every character in the
fanfic would die in cold, airless space. The End.
>
> Doctor Picard and Counselor Troi with the assistance of mostly
Tom: ...harmless...
>medical staff members were decorating the Main Shuttle bay.
Crow: Oh, please. Only the geeks decorate for the school parties.
Mike: Hey!
Crow: Oops. Sorry.
> "Ensign Taurses,
>see if you can level that section of the Dance Floor with the rest of it,"
Tom: (as Taurses) If you say so, ma'am... [huge explosion] ... it's leveled!
>the Doctor ordered. "I don't think Jean-Luc will be able to tell that
>this was the main Shuttlebay after we are done."
Crow: He'll think it's Commander Troi's quarters.
Tom: Just strew chocolate all over the place and you're there.
Mike: Um, you could have simply redecorated the holodeck. It would have
taken, what, sixty seconds? Tops?
> "I agree, especially with that oak dance floor and the star
>field ceiling," Deanna said. "Tell me, have you told him yet?"
> "Told him what?" Beverly asked.
> "I don't know, maybe that your pregnant," Deanna replied.
> "No, I thought that I better wait until Marrissa stops
>surprising him," Beverly replied
> "In that case, he should find out after you've gone into labor,"
Crow: If they haven't caught on to Marrissa's ability to accrue never
ending glory by now, that embryo will be on the Kid's Crew
before Beverly tells Jean Luc.
Tom: So, you're saying she'll tell him sometime in the second trimester.
>Deanna said. "Marrissa and her friends never stop surprising people. Half
>my caseload of late it because they thought of something before some officer."
Mike: The other half of Deanna's caseload caused her to get that "aphasia"
disease from the first season of DS9.
Crow & Tom: Fanboy!
> "Point taken, I'm just glad they don't have anyone in our
>fields," Beverly replied.
> "I don't think I will be so lucky much longer," Deanna said. "I
>passed Marrissa and Martin on the way here. They were discussing the
>advantages of a ship's counselor."
Crow: They narrowed it down to two. Everybody?
All: Look hot and state the obvious.
> "At least he isn't a member of the Kids Crew," Beverly
>consoled.
All: Yet.
> "There is that," Deanna said. "Here comes Data with those
>landscapes we ordered."
Tom: Unless they're talking about paintings, that makes no sense whatsoever.
Mike: There's a Slartibartfast joke in there somewhere, but I'm not
making it.
>
> Meanwhile Marrissa was trying to get a date for the ball.
>"Computer, open a private channel to Ensign Jay Gordon aboard the USS
>Independence."
Mike: (as Marrissa) Be sure to dial 10-10-321 first.
Crow: No, Mike. By this time, it's 10-10-10-10-10-321.
> "One moment please," the Computer replied. Marrissa waited.
Tom: The embarassing thing about these com channels is they're party lines.
Marrissa has to wait for Farmer Dave to finish up talking with his
vet about cattle stifles before she can get on with the story.
> "Jay Gordon, starship Independence, nice to see you again,
>Princess," Jay said.
Tom: Why does Jay feel compelled to introduce himself to Marrissa?
Mike: Maybe he's just pretending these stories never happened.
Crow: Wish I could...
> "Drop the title, Jay," Marrissa replied.
Tom: Yeah, we all know how she hates fame and titles and stuff.
> "I was wondering if
>you would like to be my date for the Coronation Ball. I rather not go
>unescorted."
Voice: Let me get this straight... even Wonder Weenie there can get a date?
Tom: ... the heck?
Mike: Bitter editor.
Tom: Ah.
> "OK on two conditions," Jay replied. "One, your cousin doesn't
>give me any more titles, and two you don't wear that dress you were wearing
>earlier today."
Mike: AGH! Why must you make these disgusting mental pictures appear in
my mind, Ratliff?
> "That I can guarantee," Marrissa said. "I've found a much
>better dress that doesn't go near touching the floor."
Tom: Oh, the humanity! Have you at long last, Ratliff, no decency?
> "Then I will meet you at 1900 hours at your quarters, I assume
>you haven't moved?" Jay arranged.
Mike: She's only thirteen. She can't move out on her own.
> "Do you really think the Admiral would let me?" Marrissa
>responded. "I'll see you at 1900 hours then. Marrissa out."
>
> Just before 1900 hours Clara met Alexander at his quarters,
>"You look good in those Ambassadorial robes," Clara said.
Tom: (as Clara) Considering it makes you look like you're wearing Lego
blocks.
> "Personally I wish they would find something more comfortable
>for ceremonial occasions for Klingon Ambassadors," Alexander said. "It's
>almost enough for me to start cursing Marrissa for getting me the job."
> "You know the only thing that is keeping Marrissa from cursing
>her new position?" Clara stated.
Mike: (as Clara) The Royal Harem. She's been in there with them
for *hours* now.
> "What?" Alexander asked sharply.
> "She now has a level fourteen clearance,"
Crow: ... which enables her to review her Permanent Record.
> Clara replied. "Boy,
>that must be uncomfortable, I've seen you like this before but that was when
>you were practicing with Jay and he accidentally stabbed you with his
>bat'leth."
Tom: (as Alexander) "Accidentally"? Is *that* what he told you?
> "Don't worry give me a half an hour in this out fit and I'll be
>my usual cheery self," Alexander replied.
> "I hope so," Clara said. "Dancing and grouchiness do not mix."
Crow: Unless you're in a mosh pit.
>
> Meanwhile Marrissa had just gotten her pink ruffled dress on
>when the door chimed. Beverly answered it and said, "Marrissa, your date is
>here."
Mike: It's the 14th of April, 1910. Is that a problem?
Tom: Oh, that was the day William Howard Taft threw out the first pitch in
the Philadelphia Athletics - Washington Senators game, starting the
tradition of the President throwing out the first baseball of the
season.
Mike: Tom.
Tom: The Senators won 3-0.
Mike: Tom.
Tom: And 31 years later on April 14, Pete Rose was born.
Mike: Tom.
Tom: And on April 14th, 1967, Herman's Hermits went gold with the single
"There's A Kind of Hush."
Mike: Tom.
Tom: I'll behave.
Mike: Thank you.
> As Jay entered in his dress uniform, his face was blushing.
>"You show excellent taste, Marrissa." her father said.
Crow: (as Picard) He's positively *scrumptious*!
> "In dates or dress," Marrissa asked causing Jay to blush again.
> "Both actually," Jean-Luc said. "I was worried that you'd
>leave yourself open for the evening."
Mike: (as Picard) But, thankfully, you remembered to button up in front.
> "I'd never get to dance then," Marrissa replied. "No one my age
>in Starfleet is allowed to fraternize with me because they're all at least
>two ranks below me. And most others wouldn't dare dance with the heir to
>the throne.
Tom: (as Marrissa) There's not even a shallow twit who'd do anything for a
chance at political advancement anywhere on the planet.
> So I chose my own partner, who I couldn't find a reason for
>anyone to object or put two and two together to get scandal."
Mike: Two and two makes scandal?
Crow: Yeah, that was some of Andrew Wiles's earlier work.
> "You take good care of my daughter," Jean Luc Picard told Jay.
> "I will," Jay replied.
> "Oh and Ensign," the Admiral added.
Tom: (as Picard) Is your refrigerator running?
> "Don't let anyone cut in."
> As Marrissa and Jay left the room, Beverly spoke up, "Jean-Luc
>there is something I've been meaning to tell you and now seems like as good
>a time as ever."
> "What is Beverly?"
Mike: (as Alex Trebek) Ooh, I'm sorry. How much did you wager?
> "I'm pregnant," she replied
> Jean-Luc Picard was speechless for a moment then he replied,
Crow: (as Picard) It's not mine!
>"That is wonderful news.
Tom: (as Picard) My little sperms are still swimming! Woo hoo!
> I'm finally going to be a father for real.
Crow: Better not let Marrissa hear you say that...
Mike: (monotone) It makes me feel better than Cats. I want to feel it
again and again.
> If it
>wasn't for the fact that we have to attend a ball, I'd be tempted to take
>you out somewhere special to celebrate."
> "You can do that tomorrow," Beverly replied. "Alyssa has found
>a four star restaurant on the planet, that she thinks we would enjoy."
Crow: Alyssa... who?
Mike: Oh, that's Alyssa Ogawa. Her uncommon card in the premier edition
is a Biology Mission Specialist, and her rare First Contact card...
Tom: Mike, no ST:CCG in the theater!
> "OK, tomorrow we will dine out and I'll leave Marrissa in
>command," Jean-Luc said.
> "Why Marrissa?"
Crow: Ratliff. Complex. Enough said.
> "Do you actually think that any other person other than Data
>won't have a hang over tomorrow?"
Tom: Yes, booze helps all ambitious young Starfleet officers gain command.
This message brought to you by the booze council.
Mike: But synthehol doesn't leave you with a hangover!
Crow: See, it's funny because it's... (falters) teenage alcoholism...
[Concluded in Part 7]