MiSTing: CLR 4/5
Chris Mayfield
> The links stop here-- Beaconway Press
Crow: It's deja vu all over again.
> We're not anti-intellectual. We just think the cultural elite
> is dumb.
Mike: The feeling is reciprocal.
>[Image]
>
> THE CONSERVATIVE INTELLECTUAL
>
> Pirate of the Western Soul
>
>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>
>The crew assembled in the ship-building yard here at Beaconway
>Press consists of a band of happy-go-lucky intellectual pirates
Crow: [effeminate] Ahoy! We're Pirates!
>who believe that some thoughts, like our own, are better than
>others.
Mike: Well, just so long as they're open-minded.
> We've assembled here to build frigates,
Crow: Which are much better than triremes.
> such as the THE
>JOLLY ROGER,
Tom: Commanded by the THE EYE CREATURES.
> to keep our thoughts afloat, as we continue battling
>liberals for the soul of academia and popular culture.
Mike: He who dies with the most Pulitzers wins.
>
>The highly-specialized Physics, Philosophy, and English
>departments could not support our passions,
Tom: But alt.sex.bestiality could.
> nor did we find in
>the "grunge/slacker/generation-x" industry a worthy harbor for
>our intellect. Indeed specialization is beneficial to society,
Mike: Don't get me wrong. I don't have anything against
specialization.
>but we argue that every civilization needs roads as long as its
>wells are deep,
Crow: We've thrown some metaphors into a blender. Let's see what
happens.
> otherwise the people shall go thirsty. And
>today's pop-culture has left us high and dry.
Tom: [confused] Which is why you're fighting so hard for it?
>
>To us it is a myth that a liberal education ends when one
>receives one's undergraduate diploma.
Mike: For us it ended with grade school.
> We believe that the only
>scholars that can inspire today's youth to pursue a liberal
>education are those who are themselves committed
Crow: [singing] They're coming to take me away, ha ha...
> to the
>relentless pursuit of one. We're proud to be performing the job
>that the University is no longer able to do.
Tom: The academic future of America is in grave, grave danger.
> We're proud to be
>inspiring the people of this nation to read words that mean
>things, by giving them something in return for their efforts--
>the truth.
Mike: Here.
Tom: What is it?
Mike: The truth.
Tom: Yes, but what is it?
Mike: I don't know, but it's yours.
>
>Throughout our undergraduate educations, we encountered time
Crow: And space.
> and
>again liberal professors who were hostile towards what we believe
>to be the fundamental pillar of education-- clear, well-expressed
>thought, reflecting the Truth.
Tom: Oooh. Now it's capitalized. That *must* make their position
right.
> In other words, they were anti-
>intellectual. Joyce
Mike: K.M.R.I.A.
> Carol Oates, a famous feminist novelist, once
>quipped in class
Tom: They attended a class taught by Joyce Carol Oates?
Crow: Is she the one then that took them out in the hall and
lectured them?
Mike: These guys have been rejected by the top of the line.
> that, "thoughts aren't real." This sentiment
>explains a lot about the present state of liberally dominated
>institutions of higher learning. She was using it as an excuse
Mike: [falsetto] Um, the conservatives ate my homework.
>for not having to harbor any Great Thoughts to be a professor at
>Princeton. Politics would do. After all,
Tom: Man is a political creature.
> politics, not great
>writing, had provided her with her job. When the liberals
>destroyed the reality
Crow: Reality is what you can get away with.
> of thought in academic institutions, they
>left the young scholar with nothing worth living for.
Tom: Which is why I have decided to take my life.
Crow: Yeah!
Mike: You guys are getting too dark.
> She tried
>to kick us out of her class,
All: Yeah!
> as we possessed linear minds, but we
>stayed on to educate ourselves of the thought processes of a
>liberal,
Crow: What is this--The Naked Ape?
> not to be confused with the liberal education we
>received by reading the Great Books on our own. Our talents
>obviously lay elsewhere, she told us.
Mike: I just don't think you're cut out for the shake machine yet.
> We would never be great
>liberal writers, like her, because we oppressed things, and made
>them make sense.
Tom: In a undefined, pretentious way.
>
>Liberals profess that the idea of uniting all students in the
>study of a central body of the greatest intellectual works
Crow: As defined as how closely they support what we believe.
> is a
>bad one, and it is but an antiquated remnant from an era where
>the educators' prime motivations were oppressing everyone and
>everything with logic and reason and truth.
Mike: And inquisitions and violence and excommunication and
exile and prejudice...
> But do not be
>fooled-- the fact that liberals have done away with logic
Crow: I reject Boole and all he stands for.
> and
>reason and truth does not mean that they do not have a core
>curriculum of their own. They do-- it's just that they have to
>keep it a secret,
Tom: Dear God, here comes the conspiracy rant again.
> because they know some parents would be
>reluctant to shell out a hundred grand to have their children
>indoctrinated with it. Their core curriculum is called nihilism,
Crow: So they teach Turgenev. Deal with it.
>and it is no coincidence that pure politics is allowed to
>flourish in the realm sustained by such an ideology. They yet
>have an agenda, but unlike the Western Canon, unlike the Great
>Books, their agenda is not supported with reason and logic.
Crow: Speaking of not being supported with reason and logic...
> It
>doesn't have to be, they claim (when you corner them and get them
>to admit to the presence of their stealth agenda),
Tom: ARE YOU NOW, OR HAVE YOU EVER BEEN A LIBERAL?
> which is a
>good thing for them, because it can't be.
Mike: Let it be.
> All they have to do is
>"feel" it to be true, and it is.
Tom: A walk through an insane asylum will show that belief proves
nothing.
Crow: Ya know, Nietzsche is peachy, but Sartre is smarter.
> The result of the absense of
>logic and reason from academia,
Crow: Has lead directly to this essay.
> combined with the dominant
>liberal political atmosphere that tenure is allowing to survive
>after the people of this country have voted against it,
Mike: When was that? I must have missed it.
Crow: It was on the same ballot as for which color the new M&M
should be.
> is that
>literature is now judged by the gender, sexual orientation, and
>race of the author. Wrong. A work of literature should be judged
>by how close it comes to "Hamlet"
Mike: Hamlet!
Tom: Oh, God...
Mike: To be or not to be: that is--
Crow: Shut up, Mike.
Mike: But I know the whole--
Tom: We know. Shut up.
> or "Huckleberry Finn" in
>expressing the human condition.
>
>Liberals preach diversity,
Mike: They'll burn in Hell for that.
> but it is no secret that straight
>conservative males aren't too high on the contemporary reading
>lists found in today's universities.
Crow: Except for Eliot and Pound and Dos Passos and--
Mike: Eliot and Dos Passos don't count. They became conservative
later.
Crow: Yes, but they still continued to write after their
conversion.
Mike: True, but I think that after his conversion, Eliot didn't
have the fire, the brilliance of his earlier works.
Tom: Guys, quit flaunting your knowledge.
> Diversity to a university
>admistrator is a collection of like-minded liberals of different
>ethnicities and genders.
Mike: What is diversity to a conservative?
Crow: [Watt] We've got three women, a Jew, and a cripple.
> The best move a white male aspiring to
>receive a good job in academia can make is to refrain from
>thinking.
Tom: It looks like it's working for these guys.
> He can bury his conscience
Crow: If you're going to bury a conscience in a shallow grave, for
goodness sakes, use quicklime!
> and any passion for the
>truth and Great Literature, and he can become an administrator.
Mike: Yes! My very own cubicle!
>Then he will be allowed to raise funds, and see to it that racial
>quotas are filled. But this does not interest nor inspire us. We
>have something to lose, for the Western Soul is at stake,
Mike: Uh oh, guys. I've got a bad feeling this post is going to
make these guys think they're martyrs.
> and it
>is the same as ours. And so, unrecongnized by the university,
>we've become the renegade pirates of the Western Soul.
Tom: [singing] For I am a Pirate King, hurrah! I am a Pirate King!
It is, it is glorious thing to be a Pirate King.
>
>We call ourselves conservative scholars because certain
>fundamental principles exist within our souls and serve as
>beacons in the liberal night. We believe that there are truths,
Crow: Damn truths, and statistics.
>and that the goal of an education is to seek those truths.
Tom: NEVER MIND THAT WE HIND BEHIND OUR UNDEFINED "TRUTHS!"
> When
>one no longer believes that truths exist, then one has completed
>one's education, and should divorce oneself from all institutions
>of higher learning,
Mike: [falsetto] But why? What have I done wrong?
Tom: Nothing.
Mike: Then why? Is it...another university?
> but is the stage at which professors are
>deemed worthy of tenure in today's liberal institutions. They
>won't make anyone look bad. We believe that words mean things,
Mike: Vague things.
>and that there is a difference between thought and feeling, and
>that when the two meet,
Crow: They explode with a force equal to the square of their
masses.
Mike and Tom: Huh?
> in minds like Shakespeare's, beautiful
>literature results. We're conservative
Tom: Could have fooled me.
> because we believe that
>the Western Intellectual Heritage, embodied in the written words
>of the Western Canon, is worth preserving for our children.
Mike: Who exactly is trying to suppress Shakespeare?
Crow: The liberals.
Mike: No we're not.
Crow: Oh. Damn.
> For
>the printed word deepens the rational part of man's soul, and it
>is only within the context of this deeper realm that the concept
>of freedom can exist in harmony with moral responsibility.
Mike: Is this the part of the post where they "prove" God exists?
>
>At Princeton it was not required that we read anything
>Shakespeare ever wrote.
Tom: Seeing how these guys are all physics majors...
> It was not required that we read the
>constitution.
Crow: Nor was it required of the poly-sci majors they understand
general relativity.
> It was not required that we read, "The Declaration
>of Independence," nor the "Apology,"
Mike: That's "Defense" if you're translating it into English.
> nor "Moby Dick," nor
>"Huckleberry Finn." In short, it was not required that we receive
>an education,
Crow: Which suited us fine.
> but we managed to do so in our spare time, because
>we never forgot the responsibility of everyone who calls
>themselves a student--
Mike: To get really smashed?
> to educate oneself. .
Mike: Oh.
>
>There are subterranean fields in our souls
Tom: There are Isles of Langerhans in our pancreases.
Crow: Pancreaii?
> that lie far deeper
>than what is portrayed on MTV, there are vistas of the common
>man's intellect that are far higher
Mike: Than anything I have ever done. Tis a far, far better
rest...
> than what is alluded to in
>Rolling Stone, and there is a reality of our souls that is far
>vaster
Tom: [siren] Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!
Crow: Grammar Alert: that should be "far more vast."
Mike: Nitpickers.
> than what has been captured by Hollywood. There is the
>printed word, and the liberal does not respect it.
Tom: In what way?
Mike: Shut up! He just doesn't, ok?
> In pop-culture
>the liberals have overlaid the subtle in the human soul with the
>vulgar, and eroded the romantic nobility of rational,
Crow: When I think of rationalism, romance immediately springs to
mind.
> enduring
>love with the crass. In the University they have buried the
>Greats of the Western Canon beneath layers of bureaucracy and
>nihilism.
Tom: Oh. It's a Kafka story.
> They have consficated the treasures that since the
>beginning of civilization
Crow: Alexander, you have risen to be leader of the Greeks.
> have given the young scholar something
>to live for, and hidden them, replacing the gold's gleam with
Mike: Sparkling Folger's crystals.
>their dull bureaucracy. Greatness must be absent from the liberal
>institutions, for the works of the feminists and multi-
>culturalists are dwarfed
Tom: Beware the dwarf!
> in such a context, and their lack of
>significance is exposed.
>
>This was what we learned at Princeton--
Mike: Don't freebase Zima.
> liberals hate those with
>beacons in their souls,
Tom: And a song in their hearts.
> who did not show up the university for a
>transcript from a reputable institution, but who came there
>seeking the truth.
Crow: I've come seeking the truth.
Tom: Sorry. We're all out.
Crow: What about words that mean things?
Tom: Nope. Just sold the last of them yesterday.
Crow: Then what do you have?
Tom: We've got a lovely bit of Conservative Literary Revolution...
> And we have watched them attempt to apprehend,
>deny, and destroy the treasure we harbor in our hearts-- the
>beacon of truth, that we feel pulsing in our veins, inspiring our
>intellects to follow.
Tom: I'd let my mind wander, but I'm afraid it wouldn't come back.
> But we remind them that this is a free
>country, and with the advent of the WWW,
Crow: We can annoy more people than ever!
> the fact that the
>liberal soul controls the universities and major presses no
>longer matters. We can now submit our thoughts to the people, and
>serve them,
Mike: Would you like fries with that?
> while the liberal-elite continue to serve themselves
>in yesterday's dissipating context.
>
>We built THE JOLLY ROGER,
Crow: So there.
> so that we'd have a vessel upon which
>we could band together and pirate those treasures which liberals
>have buried from sight. The Jolly Roger is fabricated from, "Oak
>planks of reason,
Crow: "Planks of Reason?" Isn't that Dickinson?
Tom: We plagiarize only the best.
> riveted with rhyme, built to voyage across all
>time."
Mike: Yes, but is it art?
> This frigate and the New Literature shall house the gems
>of our souls,
Crow: Hey! This is cubic zirconium!
> as we pay homage to our Western heritage by
>endeavoring to create a contemporary popular culture within its
>rich context.
Tom: And failing miserably.
> And let the liberals beware, when they see our
>skull and bones waving on the horizon;
Mike: Looks like they're flying the failure sails.
> for let all know that we
>are the most heavily armed schooner adrift on the seven cyber-
>seas. Aboard this ship is the Western Canon.
Tom: A loose cannon.
>
>Well, check out the New Literature! This explanatory stuff bores
>us more than it bores you.
Mike: You are sooooo wrong.
> Be careful out there, and have fun!
>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>
>All the Best, The Red Avengers of All that is Right and True--
>
>Becket Knottingham--Captain
>Drake Raft--First Mate
>Elliot McGucken--Second Mate
Tom: [dumbly] That should be second rate. Huh, huh.
>
>-----------------------------------------------------------------
>
[6...5...4...3...2...1...]
[Mike is sitting on a stool with a guitar. The lights are down.]
Mike: [singing] Once upon a time ago, I can still remember how
those stories used to make me smile
And I knew if I had my chance, I could make the language
dance
And maybe I'd be published for a while
But summer faded into winter and discontent began to enter
Bad posts on the usenet, I couldn't stand one more set
I can't remember if I cried when I read about his widowed
bride
But something touched me deep inside the day the Great Books
died
So bye bye, modernism, good bye
It was finished, was diminished on that day in July
When my old man, drinking whiskey and rye
Said that this'll be the day that I die; this'll be the day
that I die
Did you write the books we love and have you lost faith in
God above
Like all the sad young men I know
Are you for whom the old bell tolls? Can literature save our
mortal souls
And can you teach me how to dance real slow
Well I know that you're in love with Joyce, cause I heard
you talkin' with his voice
You both kicked off your shoes, and I dig that Langston
Hughes
I was a lonely teenage too well read, with a soliloquy
inside my head
But I knew I had been misled the day the Great Books died
I started singin': Bye bye, modernism, good bye
It was finished, was diminished on that day in July
When my old man, drinking whiskey and rye
Said that this'll be the day that I die; this'll be the day
that I die
Now for decades we've been on our own and moss grows
fat on a rolling stone
But that's not how it was before
When the Jester sang for the King of New in a poem from
nineteen twenty two
In a voice sprung from the seeds of war
And while the King was being tried, the Jester stood there
by his side
The court room was adjourned; no verdict was returned
And while the King was hospitalized, the Jester took the
Nobel Prize
And we sang dirges and despised the day the Great Books died
We were singin': Bye bye, modernism, good bye
It was finished, was diminished on that day in July
When my old man, drinking whiskey and rye
Said that this'll be the day that I die; this'll be the day
that I die
In there they were all in one place, a generation lost in
space
With one chance left to start again
With cunning, silence and exile, the players tried to adapt
a style
With the Jester on the sidelines with a pen
Now the Paris air was sweet perfume while the Germans played
a marching tune
We all got up to write, but we never got to fight
Cause Virginia took her life instead, and James Joyce passed
away in bed
And Europe's fields o'erran with red the day the music died
We started singin': Bye bye, modernism, good bye
It was finished, was diminished on that day in July
When my old man, drinking whiskey and rye
Said that this'll be the day that I die; this'll be the day
that I die
Helter skelter, in the summer swelter, a man lay dead in a
country shelter
One more gone and falling fast--
I was moved, to say the least, as I read his final feast
A testimony to the past--
And as I turned his final page my hands were clenched in
fists of rage
No angel born in hell could break that author's spell
And as the flames climbed high into the night to light the
sacrificial rite
I saw Satan laughing with delight, the day the music died
He was singin': Bye bye, modernism, good bye
It was finished, was diminished on that day in July
When my old man, drinking whiskey and rye
Said that this'll be the day that I die; this'll be the day
that I die
I saw a girl who sang the blues, and I watched her as she
read the news
"Thirty years ago today
An author suff'ring from a block brought about by
electroshock
Took a gun and blew himself away"
And in the streets the readers dreamed, the authors cried
and the poets screamed
But not a word was spoken, the church bells all were broken
And the three men I admire most: the Father, Son, and Holy
Ghost
They'd caught the last train for the coast, the day the
Great Books died
And they were singin': Bye bye, modernism, good bye
It was finished, was diminished on that day in July
When my old man, drinking whiskey and rye
Said that this'll be the day that I die; this'll be the day
that I die
They were singin': Bye bye, modernism, good bye
It was finished, was diminished on that day in July
When my old man, drinking whiskey and rye
Said that this'll be the day that I die; this'll be the day
that I die
Mike: [spoken] We'll be right back.
[Commercials]
[concluded in part 5]