MiSTing: CLR Redux [5/5]
Chris Mayfield
>*Ahoy! HAPPY HALLOWEEN! Ready for the fright of your life? Check
>these pictures out!*
Tom: It's Elliot and he's nude!
All: AAAAAAAAHHH!!!
>
>HAPPY HOLLOWEEN
Mike: I always get this empty feeling around this time of year.
> FROM THE JOLLY ROGER CREW, THE FLAGSHIP OF THE
>CONSERVATIVE LITERARY REVOLUTION!
>
>AHOY PIRATES! WE HAVE SOME SCARY PICTURES OF FEMINSIST
Crow: There's only one?
Mike: They're kind of like the Borg. You will be sexually liberated.
> LINED UP FOR YOU
>TODAY!
>
>THE FRIGHT OF YOUR LIFE: http://sunsite.unc.edu/owl/scarystuff.html
>
>LIBERALS KEEP OUT: http://sunsite.unc.edu/owl/keepout.html
>
>And don't forget to join over 1500 Pirates aboard THE JOLLY ROGER!
Tom: Ah, the mob mentality...
>
>http://sunsite.unc.edu/owl/jollyroger.html
> HAPPY HALLOWEEN!
>
> The face that sunk a thousand ships, and tried to sink mine.
> This is the chick who tried to kick me out of creative writing class
All: [cheer]
> for loving Shakespeare, back when I was a nineteen year old sophomore
> at Princeton.
> Do feminists scare the bejeesus out of ya?
Crow: I don't get girls.
> Then sign aboard the
> THE JOLLY ROGER.
>
> FOXFIRE: CONFESSIONS OF A GIRL GANG
> by JOYCE CAROL OATES
Mike: Uh, Elliot, is this copyrighted or anything?
>
>Never, never tell, Maddy-Monkey,
Crow: Everybody's got something to hide except me and my Maddy-Monkey.
> they warned me, it's Death if you tell
>any of Them
Tom: The giant ants?
> but now after so many years I am going to tell, for who's
>to stop me?
>
>FOXFIRE NEVER LOOKS BACK! was one of our secret proverbs.
Mike: Not any more.
> Also FOXFIRE
>BURNS & BURNS and FOXFIRE NEVER SAYS SORRY!
Crow: FOXFIRE MEANS NEVER HAVING TO SAY YOU'RE SORRY!
> but such pertained to
>regret and remorse and guilt and sin and repentance such as weaker
>people might feel, not memmory. And such predated, I guess I should
>state clearly,
All: Mffgll hmmrff shvvpt.
> the nightmare events of FOXFIRE's final days of May--
>June 1989 which I believe no one of us did not regret.
>
>For FOXFIRE was a true outlaw
Mike: Cabot!
> gang, yes . . . But FOXFIRE was a true
>blood-sisterhood, our bond forged in loyalty, fidelity, trust, love.
Tom: And shared hair accessories.
>
>Yes we committed what you would call crimes.
Crow: I tore off those mattress tags! And I'm glad, do you hear me?!
Glad!!
> And most of these went not
>only unpunished but unacknowledged-- our victims, all male, were too
>ashamed, or too cowardly, to come forward and complain.
Mike: The legacy of Ed Wood lives on.
>
>--JOYCE CAROL OATES
>*Re: THE JOLLY ROGER: JOURNAL OF THE GENERATION-X INTELLECTUAL
>(liberalism makes no sense to the sober mind)*
>
>ljdu...@en.com (Lou Duchez) wrote:
>>In article <47c2rh$12...@bigblue.oit.unc.edu>,
>>Elliot McGucken <mcgucken> wrote:
Tom: A bunch of nonsense.
>>> JOIN OVER 1500 CULTURAL BUCCANEERS ON THE AWARD-WINNING JOURNAL OF
>>> THE CONSERVATIVE INTELLECTUAL, RANKED IN THE TOP 5% OF ALL WEB
>>> SITES!
>>>
>>> THE LARGEST, MOST FEARED LITERARY JOURNAL ON THE WWW.
>>>
>>> THE JOLLY ROGER
>
>
> http://sunsite.unc.edu/owl/jollyroger.html
> LIBERALS KEEP OUT! http://sunsite.unc.edu/owl/keepout.html
>>
>>Hey Elliot, you still haven't answered my Five Questions
Crow: Three, sir.
Mike: Right. Three.
> to
>>Conservatives. Can I just assume right now that you are indeed a
>>spoiled arrogant clueless little idiot who can't tell shit from tuna
>>fish?
Mike: Hey, now. Just because someone is an ignorant moron who can't seem
to grasp the basic fact that nobody likes what he's writing doesn't
mean you should resort to name calling.
> That's all I can conclude, if you can name an "enemy" but can't
>>explain why your side is better ... or even not completely asinine.
>>
>> -- Zoogz Rift
>
>1. Why do you look at me if you hate me?
Crow: Because Dr. Forrester makes us.
>http://sunsite.unc.edu/owl/scarystuff.html
>2. How many people have signed aboard your literary revolution?
>http://sunsite.unc.edu/owl/jollyroger.html
>3. Who do you think Drake Raft really is?
Mike: A loser with a friend with a usenet account.
>http://sunsite.unc.edu/owl/ADFBCH1.html
>4. Why do you think our new conservative literature is dominating the
>literary WWW?
Crow: Define "dominating."
>http://sunsite.unc.edu/owl/poetry100.html
>5. Does Drake Raft = After Dark?
Tom: Yes. Does that mean anything? No.
>You think you can judge me, but it's not true,
>What you see in me is how I judge you.
>--The new mind of the new medium.
Mike: Thank you Elliot for not answering any of the questions that were
actually asked.
>*Re: Battling the Postmodern Soul, and saving America (and thus the
>world)
Crow: America=world.
Mike: I know about 5.25 billion people who'd disagree with you there.
> from the Dark Ages. THE JOLLY ROGER*
>
>Alright tough-guy.
>
>The political spectrum is a circle, you condescending, ingracious
>nitwit.
Tom: I think someone just pushed Elliot too far.
Crow: And I was hoping it'd be us.
>
>The far left and the far right meet at the bottom.
Crow: They still do better than the independents.
> Is your mind too
>small to contain two thoughts at the same time-- two thoughts which
>give rise to paradox?
Mike: I suspected the CLR was using doublethink.
>Then perhaps that's why you're not a master of literature,
Tom: By the power of Nietzsche, I AM UBERMENSCH!
> like myself.
>How many people signed aboard your literary revolution today?
>
>http://sunsite.unc.edu/owl/jollyroger.html
>
>Join over 1500 intellectual buccaneers on the largest, most feared WWW
>literary frigate! Send join jollyroger to jolly...@jollyroger.com
>
>Plato had Socrates ask a lot of cool questions when Plato was young.
Crow: [Socrates] Are we there yet? When do we eat? Can we go see the
dramas? How much longer before supper?
>Then, when Plato got older, he tried to answer them with his state-
>owned philosopher-king civilization.
>
>At Princeton I wrote a paper
Mike: Deer Miss Oats, Im really madd that you kickd me out of you're
class...
> saying how the philospher king thing would
>never work, as love of power and love of knowledge are two different
>things, and the old, bald, socialist
Crow: Not only am I the president of the Capitalist Hair Club for Men,
I'm a member, too!
> professor freaked and said I
>wasn't giving Socrates enough credit. You see, like most liberal
>academics, he wanted to run the world.
All: [singing] Everybody wants to rule the world...
> But he couldn't even captain a
>literary revolution.
>
>Both Stalin and Hitler were murderers. Both, like most liberal
>academics, thought the bureaucracy was cool.
>
>I'm getting tired with y'all talkin' down to me,
Crow: Elliot McGucken--he's hick-eriffic!
> sayin' I rant and
>rave, just 'cause you can't refute me with l;ogic,
Tom: Is he trying to change the subject?
Crow: Abort/Fail/Retry?
> nor wit, nor reason.
>Hey-- I'm pulling my load here, serving humanity with Great Literature
>composed in the context of the Western Canon, and all your moanin's
>really gettin' on my nerves.
>
>Liberals, keep out: http://sunsite.unc.edu/owl/keepout.html
>
>>For those who haven't read the Republic and don't want the fact to
>>show:
Mike: There's this cave, you see...
> Socrates' ideal state owns and runs everything, and provides for
>>all a citizen's needs from cradle to grave. Both being timed for the
>>good of the state.
Tom: I'm sorry, Mr. Warhol, but your fifteen minutes are up.
>>
>>By modern definitions, Karl Marx was much more conservative than
>>Socrates.
>>
>>The Cannon is great, but you have to actualy read it.
>
>Also, you have to understand it, and know how to spell it, you
>belittling fool.
Mike: L;ogic.
>
>>
>>----------------------------------
>>Mike Huber / Anaximander of Xidon Carpe Cerevisiem
>>mike....@software.rockwell.com
>>http://www.geopages.com/Athens/2111
>*Re: Battling the Postmodern Soul, and saving America (and thus the
>world) from the Dark Ages. THE JOLLY ROGER
Tom: One mo' time!
>
>day...@crl.com (Mike Dayoub) wrote:
>
>> His e-zine announcement is nothing more than a regurgitation of one
>> half of the "classics" versus "diversity" debate on Literature
>> curriculum.
>>
>> You responded with anti-Limbaugh rhetoric. Why bother?
Mike: Because, deep down inside, I hope that maybe he'll be embarrassed
into learning something.
>>
>> You would have been better served by pointing out that true
>> "Conservative Intellectuals" do not consider <Huckleberry Finn> to be
>> a Great Book, and that liberal educators DO.
Tom: Except for those who ban it because it contains certain racial
slurs.
Mike: Idiots exist at both ends of the spectrum.
>>
>> McGucken should go back to whoever or whatever taught him this
>> pathetic parrotry of Gingrichian dogma
Crow: Raaaw! Polly want a Medicare cut?
> and at least try to make his
>> "declaration" cohesive. As it stands, it's merely a shabby
>> advertisement for a confused e-zine editor.
Tom: Elliot McGucken _is_ Norman Mailer in Advertisements for Myself.
>>
>> Don't waste your time with talk radio.
>>
>> dayoub
>
>You lack Ability in the Abstract.
Crow: Thus are you confined in Concrete shoes.
>
>Thus you could not commandeer a literary revolution.
Mike: I think you mean "command" there, Elly.
>
>You self-assuming, narrow-minded, ignorant pedant.
Mike: Jane, you ignorant slut.
> Can you touch
>people with the words you write? No. You do not create. All you do
>is destroy. Be humble before me, for some day you might receive get a
>grant for deconstructing me.
Tom: Not if we get there first.
>
>But it cannot be done. For I am the living Reality.
Crow: Elliot has just passed out of delusions of grandeur into full
blown monomania.
>
>Have you looked at my page? http://sunsite.unc.edu/owl/
>
>The Truth has a certain undeniable texture to it--
Mike: No, wait--that's sandpaper. My mistake.
> it jumps off the
>page, and there is no denying it.
Crow: It's getting people to _define_ it that's the problem.
Tom: [singing] Truth! Truth! Truth! Truth! Truth! Truth! Truth! Truth!
Truthity truth! Truthity truth...
> Is that what troubles you about my
>literary revolution? Did you think that liberal pedants could keep on
>judging and belittling the Greats, never to have the favor returned?
>Did you think your pedantical bureaucracies are immune from judgement?
Mike: Did you think that by calling yourself conservative you are immune
to judgment?
>
>Feel the Wrath of The Jolly Roger, and things.
Mike: And things.
Crow: And things.
Tom: And bloody, bloody, BLOODY ILLITERATE INARTICULATE THINGS!
>
>I'm entertaining, exulting, and educating the sober soul of a nation,
>and your liberal jealousy cannot stop me.
>http://sunsite.unc.edu/owl/jollyroger.html
>
>Your ideology is bankrupt. You can only continue praying lies, while
>we set the Truth in stone.
[1...2...3...4...5...6...]
Crow: Oooooooh, I don't feel so good.
Tom: I know what you mean. I mean, anything would be better than that.
Mike: Even Ratliff?
Tom: Piece o' cake.
Mike: John_-_Winston? Robert McElwaine?
Tom: Seen it. Done it.
Crow: Doctress Neutopia? Make.Money.Fast? Alt.alien.visitors?
Tom: Child's play.
Mike: Even the rest of the Unabomber Manifesto?
Tom: Oooh. That's a toughie.
Mike: What do you think, sir?
[Deep 13]
Dr. F: You may just get your with, O gumball machined one. I've had it
from someone who knows, and it looks like Ratliff's Who Q? Where Q? is
in your near future. But until then...
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fwshhhh
Mystery Science Theater 3000, its characters, situations, and
merchandise are copyright 1994 Best Brains, Inc. This MiSTing is not
authorized, endorsed, or supported by anyone. Foxfire, Confessions of a
Girl Gang is (I'm guessing) copyright of Joyce Carol Oates. The CLR
stuff is copyright of the CLR. This article may be freely distributed as
long as this notice remains intact.
MiSTed by Chris Mayfield, camf...@iastate.edu. Comments welcome.
>But it cannot be done. For I am the living Reality.