MSTied: Werewolves and John_-_Winston, oh my!
sl...@cc.usu.edu
INTRO
<SOL>
<Lights are out. Tom and Crow enter wearing their all-black ninja suits>
TOM: Is the coast clear Crow?
CROW: Yup, Mike's off watching Sisters!
TOM: Good, now we can break into the Grammar Flamer Sorter Dumper and
get our RAMchips!
CROW: Excellent!
<Lights go on, and Gypsy comes in>
GYPSY: Hi guys, whatcha doing?
CROW: Nothing, go away!
GYPSY: Hey, you're breaking into the Grammar Flamer Sorter Dumper!
TOM: Sssshhh!! Keep quiet, or Mike'll come!
GYPSY: Well, ok, but you owe me twenty percent!
<Crow and Tom look at each other>
CROW: Well...ok...but no Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough RAMchips!
GYPSY: Ok! All I have to do is turn off the power and...
<All the lights go out and emergency alarms go off>
GYPSY: Ooops!
<Commercial Sign>
MIKE: What were you guys doing???
TOM: Uh, we were just playing Lazer Tag Mike...
CROW: Yeah, heh heh, that's it.
MIKE: Yeah, I bet, and, oh great Ratman and Bobin are calling!
<Deep 13>
FRANK: Hey, Dr.F, they're trying to kill themselves before we do!
DR.F: Frank, get this week's invention exchange before I kill you again.
Well boobie, this week's invention is the inspired by Star Trek, the
Geriatric Generation. I call it, the EVIL-transporter. Basically, it will
transport cute and cuddly things, but twist them into evil, cute and
cuddly things. Observe what happens to this Teddy Ruxpin doll...
<Dr.F puts the Teddy Ruxpin on the transporter>
DR.F: Teddy Ruxpin, do you like me?
TEDDY: I like you very much...
DR.F: Now watch what happens when I send this to tv's Frank...
<Dr.F pulls a lever, and Teddy disappears and pops up on Frank's pad>
FRANK: Oh, a Teddy Ruxpin!
TEDDY: I want to kill you very much...
FRANK: Well, gee, thanks, how would you do that?
<Teddy pulls out a meat cleaver with DEEP HURTING on it>
DR.F: Well, Mikearoni and Cheese, this is how we'll be sending supplies to
you from now on...HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAH!
<SOL>
TOM: Whew! I think Doctor F has finally lost it!
MIKE: Yeah, but what happens if you sent evil things through?
<Deep 13>
DR.F: Never you mind! Now get on with it, or I'll send you 300
Barney dolls!
<SOL>
MIKE: Yeah! Uh, our invention is the meaning of life!
CROW: Yes, after countless days of discussion, we have all agreed that
the meaning of life is RAMchips!
MIKE: No it's not! It's...wait, what was it?
TOM: I thought it was the creepy girl...aaaahhhh!
CROW: Tom, the creepy girl is 40 and looks like Rosanne by now!
TOM: NO!!!! DON'T YOU SAY THAT BLASPHEMER!!!!!!
MIKE: Look, Tom...my God, how do you foam at the mouth like that?
<Deep 13>
<Frank runs into Deep 13 panting>
FRANK: Whew, I finally lost him...
<Teddy puts his arms around Frank's neck>
TEDDY: Goodbye Ross!!! HA HAH HAH!!!
FRANK: Auuuuuuughhhhh!
DR.F: Well...Keir Dullea, we've got a double feature for you...it's two,
two, two hells in one!
<SOL>
MIKE: Don't worry Tom, you'll stop feeling those rabies shots in about
oh NO, it's ARTICLE SIGN!!!
*...6...5...4...3...2...1
> X-NEWS: cc.usu.edu alt.horror.werewolves: 523
CROW: The Uncanny X-News Collectors Special Embossed Post 523!
> Relay-Version: ANU News
MIKE: Anu Anu! Mork calling Orson...
> - V6.1 08/24/93 VAX/VMS V1.5; site cc.usu.edu
> Path: cc.usu.edu!hellgate.utah.edu!dog.ee.lbl.gov!agate!howland.reston.ans.
> net!usc!elroy.jpl.nasa.gov!swrinde!menudo.uh.edu!ccsvax.sfasu.edu!z_coolidgej
> Newsgroups: alt.horror.werewolves
TOM: A Macintosh Werewolf in Windows!
> Subject: Lycanthrope Psychology
CROW(German): Tell me about your mother...
> Message-ID: <1993Dec14....@ccsvax.sfasu.edu>
> From: z_cool...@ccsvax.sfasu.edu
> Date: 14 Dec 93 11:06:34 CST
> Organization:
MIKE: The League of Werewolf Voters!
> Stephen F. Austin State University
> Lines: 31
TOM: Only 31 lines...at least there's one good thing about this post...
> I have imagined that Lycanthropy by itself normally has no direct
> physical effect on the mind.
CROW: Except it becomes hairier!
> The person just becomes a person with a wolf as a body.
TOM: And a flea collar for a bowtie!
> Occasionally an organic disorder may result from the failure of the virus.
MIKE(Jack Perkins): It's a truly wondrous disorder...
CROW: Don't say that again.
MIKE: But it seems so natural!
> (Yes, my lycanthropy is a virus. I know, I'm using the vampire
> spread-by-bite clause.
TOM: In Article 47, Clause 5, SubParagraph B it states...
> I'll go to the caern and ask Windigo's forgiveness.)
CROW: Yeah, right, like he cares!
> But, physical
> disorders such as Lycanthropy Related Dementia would be far outnumbered by a
> much more common occurance.
MIKE: Excessive Nose Hair!
> The psychological shock of reality being broken
TOM: You know, there's no use crying over broken reality.
> would be enough to screw
> with one's head.
CROW: But some people watch the George Carlin show for that.
> Seeing a werewolf would cause a lot of people to wet
> themselves.
TOM: Gee, Mike, you never mentioned a werewolf on that walkathon...
MIKE: You be quiet!
> To be bitten by one and survive might put one in a state of
> shock,
CROW(deep): Or it might be strangely pleasurable...
<Tom and Mike look at Crow>
CROW: Ah, not that I would know...
> as would transforming into a wolf one's self. One might even suffer
TOM: Teasing by classmates over a backhair problem.
> memory loss because of the brain's tendancy to delete that which causes
> extreme stress.
MIKE: Then why do I still remember the Bush administration?
> (The brain wears peril sensative sunglasses.)
CROW: And it's a really hoopy frood that knows where your towel is.
> People, hearing stories and later news about werewolves committing
> horrible deeds in wolf form might
TOM: continue to subscribe to the Stephen King book club!
> succomb to a self-fulfilled prophesy. Thus
> even if wolves are inherantly relatively docile,
MIKE: They will still kill over spelling mistakes!
CROW: Scratch one cashew, hah hah hah!!!
MIKE: D'oh!
> and even if werewolves are
CROW: housebroken,
> not inherantly evil, a lot of innocent people could turn bad, or could be
> corrupted towards evil.
TOM: Or they could buy into a Savings and Loan!
> (For W:tA players, here's thought for food.
MIKE: the horse before the cart,
CROW: the road crossing the chicken,
TOM: the MSTying before the post,
MIKE&CROW: Huh?
> Becomming Garou and missing the Rite of Passage might lead
MIKE: I told you to go RIGHT at the passage!
> to corruption by
> the Wyrm. Definite plot potential.)
CROW: Yeah, right...
> Also, I imagine that the transformation into a wolf in a purely
> scientific context--
TOM: is impossible!
> that is, without resorting to magic--
MIKE: Then it wouldn't be purely scientific!
> would be extremely
> painful the first few times,
CROW(Deep): Or extremely pleasurable...
MIKE: Just stop it.
> on the order of enduring a waking surgical
> procedure on all of one's body at once.
TOM: Including the prostate!
> This does not help one's sanity.
ALL: Nooooooooooooo!!!
> Just words to sniff and approach cautiously.
CROW: And stick in the garbage!
> |\_/| Z_Cool...@ccsvax.sfasu.edu Jon Coolidge, the Beast of Nacogdoches
MIKE: Gregory Peck, in the Guns of Nacogdoches!
CROW(Gregory Peck): Uh, that was Navarone...
> |o o| "Brother wolf and sister moon, your time has come
> '\M/' And the wind will blow my fears away..."
> W - the Cult
MIKE: Hopefully the wind will blow this post away!
ALL: Yahoo!!!
> X-NEWS: cc.usu.edu alt.alien.visitors: 6147
> Relay-Version: ANU News - V6.1 08/24/93 VAX/VMS V1.5; site cc.usu.edu
> Path:cc.usu.edu!hellgate.utah.edu!dog.ee.lbl.gov!overload.lbl.gov!agate!
> howland.reston.ans.
TOM: Wow, the post is speaking in tongues guys!
> net!vixen.cso.uiuc.edu!sdd.hp.com!portal!cup.portal.com!John_-_Winston
ALL: Nooooooooo!!!!
> Newsgroups: alt.alien.visitors,alt.conspiracy,alt.religion.kibology
> Subject: Where Do I Get All Of This Alien Information?
CROW: None of your business!
> Message-ID: <101...@cup.portal.com>
> From: John_-_...@cup.portal.com
MIKE: To: Mike_-_Nelson, Tom_-_Servo, Crow_T_Robot
CROW: How did you say that?
> Date: Fri, 21 Jan 94 17:09:05 PST
TOM: PST, that must mean Posts to Scare and Torture.
> References: <1993Nov4....@main.morris.org>
> <95...@cup.portal.com><95...@cup.portal.com> <CG5zC...@world.std.com>
> <96...@cup.portal.com>
> Organization: The Portal System (TM)
MIKE: WeLcOmE tO tHe PoRtAl SyStEm...
> Lines: 73
> Xref: cc.usu.edu alt.alien.visitors:6147 alt.conspiracy:10523
alt.religion.kibology:6200
> Dear Folks: I will now attempt to answer some questions that a person
> asked me..............................................................
>
> Mr. Winston,
CROW: Why can't you have a normal life?
> After monitoring this group for 2 months (a baby, I realize) -
> I can't help but wonder where do you get all this alien knowledge?
TOM: The National Enquirer.
> JW I had some experiences on the sides of Mt. Shasta with a psychic
> lady called Nola VanValer. She introduced me to
MIKE(Torgo): tHe MaSTeR.
> a couple of temple
> masters from the mountain who are in the spiritual form. One is named
CROW: Elvis.
> Jahieba and the other is Jasper.
TOM: Jasper the Friendly Ghost?
> I was also introduced to my guardian
> angel whose name is Lorna.
MIKE: And try Lorna Doone cookies at your university's snack stop.
> The spiritual and space people give me
CROW: Crap, all the time, it's post this and post that! I hate it!
> inspiration and direction to come in contact with the information that
> I need.
TOM: And that we don't!
> I do think you and your background should be part of a FAQ
MIKE: Just the FAQs ma'am...
> as you
> provide most of the topics, "facts", and "meat" to this group.
TOM: John Winston posts sides of beef on the net for people to chew on...
> JW Some people may think you are right
MIKE: but I think you're crazy!
CROW: And he's definitely NOT the lunatic we're looking for!
> but other would disagree with
> you on that statement.
ALL: Hear Hear!!!!
> Please excuse me if I have not followed the Emily Post rules of the Net,
MIKE: I don't know guys, should we excuse this?
TOM&CROW: Noooo!!!
> my curiousity has gotten the best of me...and I just have to know what your
> background/backup of all this knowledge is...
CROW: I went to a party at Jerry Brown's place once...
> JW I have attempted to live the christian life as best I can. I met a
> man who became my Guru, teacher and friend.
TOM: And he's also the meanest bridge partner you've ever seen!
> He taught me for about 2 years
MIKE: Until I could take the pebbles from his hand.
> and advised me for about 10 more years in the subjects of ESP, Flying
> Saucer and Mt. Shasta.
CROW: And Mt. Pepsi, Mt. Coke, and even Mt. 7-Up!
> He was a good teacher.
TOM: Oho, I bet he was...
MIKE: Don't you start now, Tom.
> How is it that you are aware of all these tidbits?
> JW I am driven by a desire to
CROW: play the accordion naked on college campuses!
> learn this information. I believe
> that I am part of a team who have volunteered to come to this planet
MIKE: and confuse the heck out of people.
> to help the people here to go into a higher dimension.
TOM: Isn't that what LSD did in the Sixties?
> Some people
> call us Star-Seed or Star Helpers.
MIKE: How about "Space Trash"
> I was born on Earth like anyone
> else.
CROW: I just work in outer space!
> I believe it was you that posted a letter? announcement?
MIKE: That you were engaged to Zemkla?
> something
> of the like that exlained about the Eisenhower treaty
TOM: Oh, and how DO you exlai...oh, that was close!
MIKE: Hovering on thin ice bud...
> and what to
> expect in the future...could we see it again on the Net?
CROW: Shut up, shut up, shut up! Don't ever mention that name again!
MIKE: Yeah, how much you want to bet Dr.F asked John this too?
> JW I had mentioned before on the Net that the Good Guys from Venus sent
> a person down here
CROW: Who really liked Uranus...
MIKE: Next time is a dissolved Ramchip, Crow...
> to talked with Ike to try to help us. Ike turned him
> down. Later we made a contract with the Greys.
TOM: Ironically the Greys were really hot pink.
> They give us technology
> and we'll let them abduct our people for genetic engineering and breeding
MIKE: And make them read cheezy posts!
> if they will give us a list of people taken and bring the people back.
CROW: I'm sorry, but you're overdue on that person. That's a fifty-cent fine.
> They started taking too many people and not bringing some of them back.
MIKE: Oh, let me guess...Elvis, James Dean, Marilyn Monroe...
TOM: Would you bring her back?
MIKE: Good point.
> We want out of the contract now.
CROW: But we have to give them all of Bolivia if we buy it out!
> Thanks for any insight.....I very much enjoy reading your posts
ALL: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!
TOM(chuckling): That's a joke, right?
> but
> of course question all this "insight" especially as you relay it as
> factual data...
MIKE: Infidel!!! You DARE question the almighty John_-_Winston!!
CROW: How can you pronounce that?
> JW Thanks.
CROW: For nothing!
> Almost makes me think you are leading everyone on...
TOM: Attention! Someone might be catching on...
> JW At times I do lead people on.
CROW: Right off of cliffs!
> For instances, I am not for sure that
> pigs fly.
TOM: Oh, that John. What a kidder.
> ... as in a con job....with all this "insight"....no insult intended,
MIKE: Sure...
> just a typical skeptic that likes to think this could be true, but just a
> little to fantastic
CROW: How do you fantastic?
MIKE: Uh-oh, there goes your Chocolate Fudgey RAMchip!
CROW: AUUUUUGHHHHH!!!!!
> for my brain to accept at this point....
TOM: So deal with it, pink boy!
> l-----
> JW I'll have to admit some of it is fantastic.
ALL: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
> John Winston.
TOM: Let's get out of here!
MIKE: John_-_Winston, you better hope we never get back to Earth...
1...2...3...4...5...6...*
<SOL: The Grammer Flamer Sorter Dumper is on the counter>
TOM(singing): I get a RAM chip, a Chocolate RAM chip, because I didn't grammar
flame!
CROW: I can't believe I lost my RAMchip!
MIKE: And I lost my cashews!
TOM: Well, you can bow to my superior self-control, but now, I feast
from the cup of RAMchips! Ha Ha Ha!
MIKE: Uh, Tom, can I remind you that you're the only one here whose
arms don't work?
CROW: Yeeeeaaaah...that's right!
<Crow and Mike advance toward Tom>
TOM: Uh, guys, uh, hey Crow, you want to split my extra RAMchip, ha
ha, ha ha...
CROW: Okayyyy...sure, Tom.
MIKE: What do you think sirs?
<Deep 13>
DR.F: Oh, never mind now, I'm just about to send Frank through the
EVIL-transporter!
<Dr.F pulls the lever, and Frank is replaced by Torgo>
TORGO: Do YoU wAnT mE tO ToWeL yOu oFf SiR?
DR.F: AAAAUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGHHH!!!!!!
*PHWOOSH*
Keith N.l. sl...@cc.usu.edu
Ask not what your .sig can do for you, but what you can do for your .sig
tv's Dale sl...@cc.usu.edu
"Did you come here for coffee or did you want to stay for the cocktail hour?"
(Brief fight scene---Ken points gun at Joe)
"I'll have that cocktail now" --Joe and Ken, Fugitive Alien
Special Thanks to Dave Von Domelen, who came up with the Grammar Flamer Sorter
Dumper, the grandest invention of all...
Mystery Science Theatre 3000, its characters, situations, and RAMchips, are
copyright 1994 by Best Brains Inc. This spoof is not meant to infringe on any
copyrights held by Best Brains, Comedy Central, HBO, the National Association
for the Advancement of Werewolves, and tHe MaSTeR, as well as their employees
and unpaid flunkies. The information herein is not subject to being, even if
mistaken. Distribute only under a full moon! Bite me, it's fun!