MiSTied for your viewing pleasure
Eddie Saxe
paying attention?
Tom Servo: ZZrrn--huh? Uh, I mean yeah, I was, uh, what was the
question?
Mike: I was talking about the night I played lead ukelele on "Sunshine
of Your Love". Weren't you listening? Would you like me to start over?
Tom: Uh, NO, I mean, I don't think that would be necessary. (Crow! Get
me out of this!)
Crow T. Robot: I think that Tom here was meditating upon the wonder of
an expert such as Clapton not knowing sooner that a ukelele player of
your calibre was...
Magic voice: Commercial in one minute.
Crow: ...er, Mike, I think that's your cue.
Mike: Hi, folks! Welcome to the Satelite of Love! I'm Mike Nelson,
this is Tom Servo, and that's Crow T. Robot over there.
Crow: Charmed, I'm sure.
Gypsy: Excuse me, Mike.
Mike: We're just whittling away the time between the torture sessions
administered by our local evil scientists, the Mads.
Magic voice: Thirty seconds to commercial.
Mike: I was just explaining about how I---
Gypsy: Mike, watch out...
Mike (oblivious): ---got to be on Eric Clapton's _24_Nights_ album.
Many people don't know it,...
Gypsy: Mike...
Mike: ...but I'm well-known in the music world as a ukelele virtuoso,
and Iiiiaaaa---
{CRASH!}
Gypsy: Ooops!
Mike: My ukelele!
[Mentos Commercial: _Mentos:__The_Quickening_]
Mike: Waaaaaaaaauuugh!
Tom: That's it, guy. Let it all out.
Mike: Nnhunh, nnh, {hic} aaaauuuuuuuggghhh!
[Mads' light starts blinking]
Crow: Look out, it's Smokey and the Bear. Get a grip on yourself, man.
C'mon, it's only a ukelele.
Mike: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUU!
Tom: Nice going, Crow! Easy, Mike. Calm down, easy, guy. Everything's
gonna be all right.
Doctor Forrester: That's what YOU think!
Crow: Go easy on him, Forrester, he's just been through a dreadful
shock!
Dr. F: Well, maybe it might have gotten him ready for today's
experiment...but I hope not!
Mike: {snif}, {mumble, mumble}
Dr. F: What was that?
Mike: I said, "Do your worst, Forrester."
Dr. F: With pleasure! But first, the invention exchange! What do you
have for me this week?
Mike: How about you start first, so I can set up?
Dr. F: Very well, if only to avoid any more delays. But don't ever let
me hear you say again that I have no compassion! Frank!
Frank: Yes, your Supreme Evilness?
Dr. F: Bring it in! Quickly!
[Frank lugs over a large tube]
Frank: Your wish is my com---
Dr. F: Yes, yes, I know. Well, Squid-bait, here it is, the Zuma
Bazooka! I merely place a few lines of text into it, and watch what
happens!
[closeup of the following text being inserted into machine]
>In article <9ASr90...@harbinger.cc.monash.edu.au>,
>a...@yoyo.cc.monash.edu.au (Mike Dahmus) writes:
>>Does anyone here dislike a character on Beverly Hills 90210, or knows
>>someone who does?
>
>Yeah, I just hate Brenda, I mean, she is just so unreal, like, its not
>even funny, yknow?
Dr. F: And turns it into this!
[closeup of the following text shot out of the ZB]
>According to a new survey conducted in Turkiye:
>
>
> MOST DISLIKED
> Armenians - 90%
>
>And one wonders why. Because the fascist x-Soviet/Russian
>Armenian government planned and carried out a Genocide against
>its Muslim subjects between 1914 and 1920. 2.5 million Turks and
>Kurds were murdered and the remainder driven out of their homeland.
>After one thousand years, Turkish and Kurdish lands were empty
>of Turks and Kurds. The survivors found a safe heaven in Turkiye.
>Today, x-Soviet Armenian government rejects the right of Turks
>and Kurds to return to their Muslim lands occupied by x-Soviet
>Armenia. Today, x-Soviet Armenian government covers up the genocide
>perpetrated by its predecessors and is therefore an accessory to
>this crime against humanity. x-Soviet Armenian government must pay
>for their crime of genocide against the Muslims by admitting to
>the crime and making reparations to the Turks and Kurds.
>
>Our territorial demands are strictly aimed at x-Soviet Armenia's.
Dr. F: All of this in less that three seconds! What do you think?
Mike: You're a sick, sick man.
Dr. F: Why, thank you, Nelson. I didn't know you had it in you. Now,
where is your invention?
Mike: Well, have you ever spent a lot of time, thinking up of the
perfect signature, only to have it truncated by some fascist inews
program at the meager length of four lines? Well, with my Sig-shrinker,
you can worry no more. I mean, look at this:
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
>BEN YAU HOME: (909)607-7493 Platt Campus Center
>by...@jarthur.cs.hmc.edu On-Campus: x7493 Harvey Mudd College
>by...@muddcs.cs.hmc.edu LAB: x3442 Claremont, CA 91711-5980
>
>Computer Science Major, Class of 1994
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> ____________
>|\ _________\
>| \ \_______ |
>| \ \ | | |
>| \ \ | | | The truth will set your teeth free.
>| |\ \ \ | | | -Calvin (Calvin and Hobbes)
>| | \ \ \ | | |
>| | |\ \ \| | |
>| | | \ \ | | | It's not denial. I'm just very selective about
>| | |__\_\| | | the reality I accpet.
>| | |_______| | -Calvin (Calvin and Hobbes)
> \|___________|
Dr. F: Such beauty!
Mike: Uh, whatever. So you just insert it into here...and voila!
>xd;lnbbnsveg893th qwtv98qwe4t5;qt9y-845yhq3at89ypghnq235avyp9gq;
>h5BEN YAUh q3t4vp9q8bhtvq; othaswe47-9tnh2 bq a-98ytnh o;3htbq
>9(909)607-7493p98yn [qv3o;4thqt3-09n se4tvbqija-w08tu2n3 6hq3o4tyg0-9w46
>hqe9ptyb qe95hq34t-09 hq98t9p8h q39p456ghq439ty p9q83y456t9a8yt ptq9
Mike: I...guess there are still a few bugs to be worked out of it.
Frank: Wow! In stereo even! Incredible!
Mike: Uh...
Dr. F: Fantastic work, Nelson. I could let you go for this.
Mike: Uh...
Dr. F: But I won't. Instead, I'll subject you to even more
excruciatingly painful postings from around the world! Ha! How's that
for irony?
Mike: Uh...
Dr. F: Oh, you're speechless. Well, I'll tell you a little about what
you're about to view. It isn't just one meager posting, oh, no.
Crow: Not *two* Star Trek fanfics! He'll never live through it!
Dr. F: What a good idea! No, that's not what we have for you today.
Today, we've just have everyday, ordinary Usenet posts.
Tom: Whew!
Dr. F: ...stripped of all context and meaning, and left with --- only
the signature!
Mike: AAAAUUUUUUGH!
[Usenet sign flashes]
Crow: We've got the netnews sign!
G....6....5....4....3....2....1
In article <1994Mar9...@woods.uml.edu>, on alt.folklore.urban and
alt.illuminati, Yes, I am a crackpot <cot...@woods.uml.edu> wrote:
Mike: Well, guys, it can only go up from here!
>--
>Ray "The Cotera" Cote
Tom: Wrong again, Mike.
>"A well-regulated militia, being necessary for the security
Mike: ...of talk.politics.guns...
> of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear
Crow: CHILDREN!
> arms shall not be infringed."
> -Second Amendment
>
>"I would never stoop so low as to hit a man when
> he was down...I'd kick him."
> -Unknown
Tom: Doctor Forrester. Definately.
>"But oh, how I lived my life for you
> Still you'd turn away
> Now as I die for you
> My flesh still crawls as I breathe your name"
Crow: Hey, the quality of rec.arts.erotica poetry is going up!
> -Megadeath
>There's no government like no government.
> -Anarchist Slogan
Sven: I don't get it.
Mike: Huh? Where'd he come from?
>
>"Every government is run by liars and nothing they
> say should be believed."
> -I. F. Stone
Mike: Wasn't that I. M. Watched?
>
>"It takes three people to form a government, one to play
> the other two against each other."
> -Me
All: PLONK!
>
>Disclaimer: Nothing contained herein shall be construed to represent the views
> of any sane person.
Mike: It...it's over!
Tom: Nooooo! Here comes another one!
In article <1994Mar10.0...@mnemosyne.cs.du.edu>, on
alt.tv.babylon-5, anon...@nyx.cs.du.edu (Phil Satterley (fwd)) wrote:
>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{ __0__ }}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
>If it commands attention |#|#| SATTE...@MSCD.EDU (fwd) |
> it's culture. |[]_| ----------------------------|
>If it matches the couch |_|_| Phil Satterley-collector at |
> it's ART!! |_|_| large!!!! |
>______________________________DR.PS_____________________________|
Mike: And if it's as ugly as HELL, it's a warlord!
Crow: Aren't those Doctor Forrester's pincers, about to clamp down on
Phil's peni---
Mike: CROW!
Crow: ---tentiary?
In article <Za1oH16...@delphi.com>, on alt.tv.mst3k, Mike Harney
<mha...@delphi.com> writes:
Crow: Hey, it's from Delphi. They don't have automatic signatures, so
this one has to be manually included. It can't be too long.
> ------
> /\ \[O]\ |===|
> _ / \ \ Mike is a Oh, bite me. \===/
> ( ) A bearded, burly \ \ \ NICE name. The guy's an <@@->
> I> guy is the sec- /\\ ====== obvious kiss- /__\
> /#%#\ tion leader? /#/\======/ up. Good, but \--/
> ^ #%# ^ Say...not bad! |#| obvious. __--[]--__
> / | \ Can he sing? \#\ [==========]
> __=====_____________________\#\______________________________|__/____\__|__
>
>/\/\ike /-/arney CIS: 73473,531
>CIS ShowBiz Forum MST3K Section Leader Internet: mha...@delphi.com
>Pres., Mad Scientists Local 13
>
>
Tom: Wrong again, Smbat.
Mike: Look! It's a food grater!
Tom: No! It's a vacuum cleaner!
Crow: No! It's a plumber's helper!
All: NO! IT'S ALL THREE!
In article <9403100...@technoir.clark.net>, on alt.tv.babylon-5,
greg.su...@technoir.clark.net (Greg Sunderland) writes:
>+=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=+=-=-+-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
>| Greg Sunderland | Node 1:(410)859-0974
>| SysOp Tech Noir BBS | Node 2:(410)859-1998 t...@technoir.clark.net
>| Tech Noir BBS Linthicum, MD| Fidonet 1:261/1404
>+=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-+-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Tom: My eyes! They burn! Ow ow ow ow ow! Helllllp!
Mike: Sorry, li'l buddy. First thing, next week, I'll give you some
eyelids.
In article <gatemail1.1b68415376320@cool>, on alt.games.torg,
clay...@access3.digex.net (Bill P. Flint) writes:
Tom: Hey! I can't see! I can't see!
Mike: Poor little guy...
Tom: Hahahahaha! I can't see! Bite me, Forrester!
Crow: Mike, can you take out my eyelids?
>--
>\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
> \\ Claymore The Metaknight Champion \\ Your Nothing Unless \\
> // clay...@access.digex.com // You Got SPEED!! //
>/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
Mike: His sword is so big, it won't even fit ON THE SCREEN!
Crow: But it's only four lines. George McQuarry says that one should
have been thrown back.
Tom: Who's George McQuarry?
Crow: Oh, never mind.
In article <1994Mar4.1...@bradford.ac.uk>, on alt.ascii-art,
Mike: Trolling! Trolling! No fair trolling ascii-art!
C.M.St...@bradford.ac.uk (Mike) writes:
>--
>C. Mike /> The Pen is Mightier than the sword...
> \ /<
>(\\\\\\\\(0):::<===============================================-
> / \<
Crow: But inews is mightier than all!
1....2....3....4....5....6....G
Mike: So, fellas, what did we learn from all of this?
Crow: That inews truncates at four lines?
Tom: Never underestimate the tenacity of a Delphoid?
Crow: De-uglify your sig before it gets warlorded?
Dr. F (leaning into the intercom): THAT YOU ARE MINE TO TORMENT AS I SEE
FIT.
Tom: Aaaaah! Don't DO that!
Dr. F: MAKE ME.
Mike: Hey, Tom, lemme fix those eye actuators.
Crow: I want to watch!
[Mike and crew walk off.]
Dr. F: Hey! Come back here! Come back here! Oh, well. Push the
button, Frank.
Frank: A likely story, 'SPDA-paid Freaky Forrester'. I would sooner
believe that Turks killed 2.5 million Armenians than push a fascist
x-Soviet Armenian button for you.
[Walks off.]
Dr. F: Come back here! Come back --- ah, to heck with it.
[Pushes the button]
\ | / Mystery Sceince Theater 3000 and associated characters
\ | / are the property of Best Brains, Inc. and used here
\|/ for satirical purposes only.
----O----
/|\ This post is not intended as a personal attack upon
/ | \ any of the original authors, only as a personal attack
/ | \ upon their signatures. Remember, people, to sig safely.
It's a jungle out there.
>Disclaimer: Nothing contained herein shall be construed to represent the views
> of any sane person.
Eddie
--
`WRONG: "Tastes like goat drool." RIGHT: "Proud to be your Bud."' --Dave Barry