MiSTed: Safety First [ 4 / 4 ]
Joseph Nebus
[ THEATER. ALL file in. ]
> http://people.ne.mediaone.net/ghammond/SPOGFAQ.html
JOEL: Media One. A Media One Through Five Corporation.
>
> . SPOG FAQ
TOM: [ Singing ] The SPOG FAQ is a little old place where...
We can get! To! Get! Ther!
>
>
> What is the "SCIENTIFIC PROOF" of God? --
CROW: Do *you* know how Encyclopedia Brown figured it out?
Check page 176 to see if you're right!
>
> (Relativity and Psychometry)
TOM: You got relativity on my psychometry!
CROW: You got psychometry on my relativity!
>
> A "scientific proof" is like a court judgment,
JOEL: You get interviewed by Doug Llewellyn after it?
> it hinges
> on the assertion "BEYOND A REASONABLE DOUBT".
CROW: I'm not so sure about that.
>
> For instance, here is no "absolute proof"
TOM: Absolut Vodka.
> that "space-time
> curvature causes Gravity" (Einstein 1915).
JOEL: It *might* just be an unforseen side effect.
> However, there is
> a MASSIVE body of fact and logical theory bearing on the matter,
CROW: And it slipped the judge a couple of bucks under the table, too.
> and the judgment of the (overwhelming) majority of experts
> in the field is,
TOM: This dress doesn't make me look fat. Does it?
> that the evidence is such that it is
> "beyond a reasonable doubt" that Space-time Curvature causes
> Gravity.
JOEL: So it better have a good explanation why it does that,
or else it's in a lot of trouble, mister.
> This then, is called a "Scientific proof that
> Curvature causes Gravity".... or simply a "SCIENTIFIC PROOF".
TOM: In fact, it's a scien-*terrific* proof!
> Now, when Einstein published the theory of Relativity in 1915,
> he advanced it as a "SCIENTIFIC PROOF".
CROW: Because promoting it as a new Sherlock Holmes mystery
would be confusing.
>
> OK, Hammond claims that he has found a SCIENTIFIC PROOF of
> the existence of God....
TOM: Oh, and organs.
> same thing, same exact situation as
> Einstein, or any other major SCIENTIFIC PROOF.
CROW: Except for the science part.
>
> Hammond's SPOG is a classic,
JOEL: A triumph of the human spirit!
CROW: A story that will live through the ages!
TOM: Thank you, Hammond's SPOG, for making us laugh about love... again.
> by the book,
CROW: Hours could seem like days.
> ordinary, rigorous,
JOEL: And with a "Law and Order" twist.
> hard scientific proof, meeting all the canons of science
TOM: Like our 22-inch Feynman diagrams and the new dreadnought-caliber
Hall Effect device.
> and all
> the requirements for a proof:
CROW: Patent pending.
>
> The situation is this:
JOEL: There are 47 Klingons and three Starbases in your sector.
You have 82 Stardates to destroy them.
>
> 1. There is a 4,000 year old "rumor",
TOM: But it's about Paul Lynde so nobody's really worked up about it.
> based on many
> eyewitness testimonies,
CROW: And one article in "Variety."
> that there is such a thing
> as a "God".
TOM: And He's responsible for this divine cheesecake recipe!
> The Bible for instance is one documented
> source for these reports.
JOEL: The canon of Kevin Smith movies, however, is not.
>
> 2. The historical sources (cf. Bible)
CROW: Do you know me? I'm C.F. Bible, and that's why
I carry American Express.
> describe this "God"
> as an invisible power,
TOM: Ah, a wind-powered diety.
> apparently in the form of an
> invisible perfect man,
JOEL: By G.K. Chesterton and Ralph Ellison.
> who can perform miraculous
> feats (generally of salvation)
TOM: And occasionally a great card trick.
> by somehow supernaturally
> "violating the Laws of Physics".
CROW: Or the Laws of Cartoon Physics.
>
> (Note: w/o wrangling over what Christianity says..
TOM: I can't be bothered to let information mess up my argument.
> I think
> you will have to grant that this is a fair synopsis
CROW: Fair, turning partly cloudy overnight.
> of
> what "God" has been known as, for the past 2,000 years)
JOEL: Except during that weird period when
he was teamed up with Yoko Ono.
>
> 3. OK, so a reasonable scientist would say...
CROW: "Hi! I'm a reasonable scientist, and here's what I'll say!"
> "well, we'll keep our
> eyes open
TOM: And our tongue to the grindstone!
CROW: Our ears to the ... huh?
> in case any new scientific phenomena turn up
JOEL: [ Pointing ] Hey, look, there's one!
CROW: [ Giggling ] And over there! There's another!
TOM: [ Snickering ] Look fast, that's one now!
JOEL: Boy, this is the coolest scientific phenomena hangout ever.
> which
> would seem to be connected with any such thing".
TOM: We'll have Jerry Orbach look over their LUDs and see what turns up.
>
> 4. Sure enough, in 1997 HAMMOND
JOEL: As the superhero HAMMOND-MAN!
> discovered an OBVIOUS physical
> mechanism,
CROW: It's called the "wheel." We've known it for months.
> which explains this 4,000 year history,
TOM: All of which is going to be on the exam! I hope you studied.
> so COMPLETELY,
> so SIMPLY, so COMPREHENSIVELY,
JOEL: So ROUND, so FIRM, so FULLY PACKED.
> so OVERWHELMINGLY, so COMPELLINGLY,
> and so OBVIOUSLY,
TOM: I think he's in danger of overselling it at this point.
> that he has now advanced it as a
> "SCIENTIFIC PROOF"
CROW: With Retsyn.
JOEL: Ting!
> of the existence of this "God"
TOM: This God, that God, just take a deity out of petty cash, OK?
> that people
> have been reporting for 4,000 years.
JOEL: They've been reporting the same thing for four thousand years?
CROW: I didn't even know they had cable news channels four thousand
years ago.
>
> 5. [NOTE: I am now going to bend over backwards
TOM: Hammond's CONTORTIONIST SPOG!
> as far as I
> can possibly bend
JOEL: He's going to have to call Plastic-Man in as his technical advisor.
> to explain this SPOG in the simplest terms
CROW: While wearing my feety pajamas.
> w/o using any technical jargon or omitting any logical steps.
JOEL: Unfortunately, this darned margin is so small...
> .... please dummy up and pay attention,
TOM: Dummy up and slide right.
> this is your last chance]:
CROW: Your last chance for great savings!
>
> A. First, it is discovered
JOEL: See how easy that was?
> (basically by talking to a lot
> of crazy people),
TOM: Finally, years spent on the Internet pay off.
> the "suspicion" that it is "poor growth"
> that cause people to believe in "a higher power".
CROW: When really it's just a guy standong on top of the ladder.
> IOW,
JOEL: Hey, I thought you said "no jargon."
> it
> is suspected that a large percent of the population is being
> affected
TOM: A large percent of the population is like a storm raging inside you.
> by the fact that their BRAINS
ALL: [ Zombie accents ] BRAINS!
> (just like the rest of
> their body BTW) is NOT FULLY GROWN.
JOEL: But that'll all change when you're visited by a special friend
right about when you turn twelve or thirteen ... or fourteen...
>
> a. This suspicion is further reified
CROW: Reified? Is that even a word?
TOM: I think that's what happens when you crash into the
Great Barrier Reef.
CROW: Oh.
> by the
> fact that a well known similar effect
JOEL: Known as tickling.
> is
> observed in nutritionally growth stunted
> people (by the millions)
CROW: All of them. They just gather around and observe.
> in 3rd World
> country's where a severe IQ deficit is
TOM: A good line for those playing along at home to work from.
> caused by "brain growth stunting".
JOEL: This sounds like a depressing episode of "Pinky and the Brain."
>
> b. This is further reified
CROW: Rheostatted.
JOEL: Re-iffy-fileted.
> by observations on
> Mental Retardation,
TOM: Flowers for SPOGernon.
> which is generally
> attributed to "arrested growth"
JOEL: Pull over, growth. Get out of the car.
> (of the
> brain) on the normal growth curve.
CROW: Caution! Dangerous growth curves ahead.
>
> c. It is particularly noted that the large
> majority of "Mental Cases" are
TOM: Ed Norton.
> people of
> poor growth and development.
JOEL: They're just generally bad people is all he's saying.
> And all most
> of them do all day is talk about "God".
CROW: God, and the CIA-Martian alliance.
>
> d. Obviously such a thing as "incomplete brain
> growth" is a natural candidate for explaining
> "God".
TOM: Other explanations, like a sense of wonder and excitement
at the incredible beauty and majesty of the world, fall short.
> As one person put it,
CROW: Another will un-put it.
> it can be seen
> as a candidate in the following way;
JOEL: Uh -- has everybody got their 3-D glasses on?
> assume
> the brain is a computer running a program
> called "reality". Then:
TOM: I'm going to wait for the upgrade. Nobody wise runs the
point-zero release.
>
> The Human Brain is like a computer,
> running a program called Reality.
JOEL: Is the human brain like a computer, running a program called
reality?
TOM: No, I think the human brain is like a computer, running a
program called reality.
CROW: You can think that if you want, but I saw the human brain is
like a computer, and it runs a program called reality.
> Any change in the program is called
> a Law of Reality (science),
CROW: Hey, wait a minute -- what if it's running a program called
"Realty" instead?
TOM: Deus ex Homeowners Association?
> but any
> change ('upgrade') in the Computer
JOEL: Comes out of your warranty.
> is called an Act of God.
TOM: So God handles hurricanes, tornadoes, earthquakes, and bug patches.
>
> Here, "grain growth" is compared to
JOEL: I never saw the connection between God and corn before.
TOM: Never heard about "Corn as high as the pastor's eye"?
JOEL: Oh, you're right.
> upgrading the computer with a faster
> processor and more memory,
CROW: As long as they keep that dancing paperclip out of the way
I'm all right.
> and obviously
> would have a "supernatural", "miraculous"
> effect on the "reality" program.
TOM: Hey, if God keeps growing your brain, won't that eventually
make your skull pop open?
CROW: Cool!
>
>
> B. Secondly, it is KNOWN
JOEL: Yet it is not generally BELIEVED
> that there is such a thing as a
> SECULAR TREND in human growth.
TOM: Up until the point they become teenagers, and get all
surly and hostile.
> That is, that the entire
> Human Race is achieving higher and higher levels of
> GROWTH with each passing generation.
CROW: Meaning in a few short generations we will *all* be able
to look on top of the refrigerator!
> It is also known
> that this is NOT a genetic effect,
JOEL: It's caused by B.J. fiddling with your pants overnight.
> that it is caused
> entirely by the RISING WORLD STANDARD OF LIVING,
TOM: Caused by the Giant World Escalator.
> particularly NUTRITION.
TOM: That too.
> This leads to a simple arithmetic
> formula:
JOEL: Vitamin E equals M Vitamin C squared.
>
> Growth curve deficit: GCD=Genotype-Phenotype
TOM: Trilobyte.
CROW: Neophyte.
JOEL: Anorthocite.
CROW: Palomite.
>
> see: http://people.ne.mediaone.net/ghammond/growth5.JPG
> for a
> picture of this.
TOM: And that great cartoon of "You Want It When?"
>
> According to the Secular Trend
JOEL: And anonymous sources close to the Secular Trend.
> then, the SUSPICION would be
> that there is and always has been, a "brain growth deficit"
TOM: It's a Brain Growth Gap! The Commies are pulling out ahead of us!
> in the human population, and that this "deficit" has been
> slowly decreasing
JOEL: They're finally getting over that brain deficit spending.
> for millenniums (probably rapidly since
> the Industrial Revolution BTW),
CROW: Slower in the no-passing zones.
> and that this explains the
> 4,000 year history of "God"
TOM: Isn't that kind of overlooking, like, twelve thousand years
of Egyptian history and their Gods too?
> and explains why we believe
> we are heading toward "Kingdom Come" or the Perfect
> World...
JOEL: Or a Different World.
CROW: Or just Cool World.
> since this would obviously be when the "Deficit"
> finally reaches zero.
TOM: And then we'll blow it on a big tax cut for the rich.
>
> a. On the basis of this we suspect that "miracles"
JOEL: And Miracle "Gro"s...
> would simply be when the brain in a given individual
CROW: Like Skeet Ulrich, Robert Urich, or Sally Jesse Raphael.
> suddenly obtains a small spurt of "growth" and
TOM: Pop!
> the entire persons "reality" changes because of it
> because his brain changed.
JOEL: So one day you change your mind, and you grow an extra nose?
> This is based on the
> "Brain as a Computer" model,
TOM: This is based on the Brain as a Computer Model on Drugs.
Any questions?
> whereby the program
> running on the computer is called "reality",
CROW: And then we switch out to play Solitaire a while.
> and
> sudden brain growth is like "upgrading" the computer
> with a faster processor and more memory.
TOM: None of this will help you find where you left your car keys.
> As far
> as the "program" is concerned (reality)
JOEL: 21st Century or Weichart?
> this is a
> supernatural and unexplained event,
CROW: And it's pretty darned cool.
> and is called
> a "MIRACLE".
JOEL: It's the quote marks that make it really special.
>
> OK... all of this is only SUSPICION...
TOM: But I'm pretty sure it was Professor Plum, wherever it was.
> it looks reasonable to a
> SCIENTIST,
CROW: And a GENTLEMAN.
> but there is no PROOF that it is true.
JOEL: It's so tempting to look in the back of the book.
>
> HOWEVER, in 1997 HAMMOND discovered
TOM: It's HAMMOND time!
> an AMAZING PROOF
CROW: Some a*MAZ*ing discoveries!
> that in fact
> the above SUSPICION is ABSOLUTELY SCIENTIFICALLY TRUE.
JOEL: [ Sing-song ] Absolutely scientifically expialidocious!
>
> The proof begins with Hammond's discovery of the STRUCTURAL MODEL
> in Psychology
CROW: It turns onto the Northway and hits the road for Canada!
> which he published in the peer reviewed literature
TOM: That means somebody was looking over his shoulder when
he stuffed it in a copy of "Huckleberry Finn."
> in
> 1994 (Called the Cartesian Theory).
CROW: I think, therefore I think. I think.
> An online copy of this published
> paper is permanently stored at:
JOEL: www-dot-online-copy-is-permanently-stored-here-dot-com.
>
> http://people.ne.mediaone.net/ghammond/cart.html
>
> In this paper hammond
TOM: e.e. cumming hammond.
> explains how all of the EXISTING results
> in PSYCHOMETRY
CROW: Except that one about why we can't resist checking the pay phone
for loose change.
> can be explained by the "3-Axis orthogonal Geometry
> of the Human Body and Brain"
TOM: Icky though it may be.
> (called the "Cartesian Geometry" of
> the Brain).
JOEL: Or "Pookie," by its best friends.
>
> IOW,
TOM: More of that jargon again.
> it was already a known fact that there are 2,3,4,5,6,7,9,13
CROW: Hut! Hut! Hike!
> eigenvector models that can be extracted from any correlation matrix
> in Psychology.
JOEL: So we use that to redirect the tetryon beam through
the deflector array an establish a duotronic field
that rebalances the warp bubble dynamics.
> And all the Psychologists were arguing over which
> model was right,
TOM: And which ones just looked best.
> and above all else, arguing about WHERE THEY CAME
> FROM physically.
JOEL: Our leading theory: they're made by Marx!
>
> Hammond (1994) showed that the entire human body is 3-Axis Cartesian
> geometrically,
TOM: He's discovered humans are three dimensional?
> including the BRAIN, in fact that the brain is CUBIC
CROW: And featuring the power of CHEESE.
> (another word for Cartesian),
TOM: No it's not.
> and therefore, since a common cube has
> 13-Symmetry axes,
JOEL: And uncommon cubes have four more they keep secret.
> that NATURALLY, there would be found 13 eigenvectors
> in Psychometry,
CROW: Yup. There's no gainsaying the obvious.
> and that MOREOVER, the 2,3,4,5,6,7,9,13 Factor models
> were just GEOMETRICAL REDACTIONS of the CUBE.
TOM: You put the redactions on page two, under the table of contents.
> (SEE PAPER CITED ABOVE)
CROW: The Bible?
>
> OK, this OVERWHELMINGLY explains the Structural Model,
TOM: Hey, wasn't this about Einstein's Theory of Relativity
at one point?
> and it turns
> out that all of the numerical data
JOEL: And a nice card from my mom.
> from psychometry confirms Hammond's
> CARTESIAN THEORY
CROW: Hey, don't... put the Cartesian before the horse here.
> as being the correct explanation of the long sought
> for Structural Model.
TOM: That's where you have the building supported by Iman.
>
> Note, that Hammond's 1994 Structural Model is a 3-dimensional
> structure, a Cube.
JOEL: Dashiel Hammond's The Maltese Cube.
> It exists in 3-dimensional Psychometric eigevector
> space.
TOM: I just like the flow of the phrase "three-dimensional
psychometric eigenvector space."
> In fact in "Personality" space,
CROW: That's like outer space, but customized to fit the astronaut.
> it DOES NOT include Intelligence
> (IQ)
JOEL: But it does include free refills.
> which is the other major field of psychometry "Mental Ability"
CROW: And natural "fashion sense"
> which is usually called "Intelligence".
TOM: By those who don't know any better.
>
> However, in 1997 Hammond found out that Cattell had discovered FOUR
> 3rd order Factors (eigenvectors),
CROW: The fourth fell behind the bookshelf and was hard to get out again.
> whereas Hammond's theory held that
> there were only THREE dimensions.
JOEL: The only way to settle it: Thumb wrestling!
> Hammond was standing there in his
> 3rd floor garret apartment
TOM: Third floor Garrett Morris apartment.
> pondering "what could possibly be orthogonal
> to 3-dimensional space"...
CROW: And yet taste so much like regular space?
> when suddenly his knees collapsed from under
> him and he went into a faint.
TOM: I know linear algebra can cause unconsciousness,
but it's not usually *that* way.
> Hammond suddenly realized on February
> 3rd 1997,
CROW: Hey, remember where we were on February 3, 1997?
TOM: We were stuck on the satellite, being forced to watch bad movies?
CROW: Yeah, I remember it like it was yesterday.
> that IQ (Intelligence) had to be a "4th dimension" to the
> Structural Model,
TOM: A dimension not of sight or sound, but of mind.
> and that this was because "Intelligence" was already
> known to be "mental speed"
CROW: That's the measure of how fast [ shifting to an Ed Grimley
impersonation ] you go completely mental, I must say,
but then again, who doesn't?
> and therefore it would correlate with the
> TIME dimension,
JOEL: But in the Newsweek spacetime continuum.
CROW: Hey, shouldn't he be inventing the flux capacitor by now?
> whereas the other 3 Personality dimensions correlated
> with the 3-SPACE dimensions (3-symmetry axes of the brain).. HENCE,
TOM: Get thee hence, sir Chilblain! ... We need the eggs.
> the theory of Psychometry was caused by the ENTIRE 4D SPACE-TIME METRIC.
CROW: Hey, wasn't this about God at one point?
> He suddenly realized he had united the first 35 years of psychometry
JOEL: Psychometry's 35 years old and it's still living with its parents?
> on
> "Intelligence" with the past 65 years on "Personality",
TOM: And the leftover ten years of daytime talk shows.
> thus explaining
> the ENTIRE 100 YEAR HISTORY of Psychometry.
CROW: Except, strangely, for 1987.
>
> BUT... this isn't why Hammond fainted..!
JOEL: It was because he had low blood sugar.
> At the moment that he
> realized that the Structural Model was 4-DIMENSIONAL (not 3-dimensional),
TOM: And that meant suddenly he had plenty of room to put all his stuff!
> and that it was caused by the entire 4D space-time metric....
CROW: Wait, I thought we weren't converting to metric anymore.
> he also
> IMMEDIATELY REALIZED that therefore, the oblique 4x4 Metric of E,N,P,g
JOEL: And a touch of R for good luck.
> represented the CURVATURE OF PSYCHOMETRIC SPACE,
TOM: And its effect on man-in-the-moon marigolds.
> and that therefore
> there was a SINGLE HIGHER ORDER FACTOR caused by this curvature,
CROW: The pursuit of girls!
> and
> which had to be caused by the "brain growth deficit" discussed above
JOEL: Everything else had a good alibi.
> (since IQ loaded on it from Mental retardation IQ measurements) and
> THEREFORE, this factor had to be the GOD that was suspected all along
TOM: It does?
> from the brain growth studies above (Section A. above)...
CROW: Wait, they were all Section A.
> therefore
>
> HAMMOND HAD DISCOVERED THE WORLD'S FIRST SCIENTIFIC PROOF OF GOD
TOM: It's just a shame he's keeping it to himself.
>
> Not only that, since the psychometry metric
JOEL: And its measurement in the psychometric metric metric...
> is CAUSED by the Space-time
> Metric...
CROW: So gravity causes personality?
> i.e. X,Y,Z,t causes E,N,P,g (g=IQ),
TOM: Oh-four-w-w-NUG.
> and it is known that the
> curvature of space-time is Gravity,
JOEL: And gravity is what makes the world go around.
CROW: Gravity and angular momentum.
> is seen therefore, that Gravity is
> the cause of God.
TOM: So at mass we should be praying to gravity?
>
> Needless to say, Hammond immediately checked out all of the details
CROW: If it's needless, why is he saying it?
> from anatomy, Biology, Neurology,
TOM: Ichthyology,
> Psychometry, Factor Analysis,
JOEL: Etymology,
> Relativity, Gravity,
TOM: Philology,
> Theology, Psychology,
CROW: Bicycleology,
> History, Zoology,
JOEL: Vexillology,
> Embryology, Philosophy etc.
TOM: Gun repair, bookkeeping, and accounting.
> etc. etc. To make a long story short,
> 20 years of grueling 16 hour a day
CROW: But ... it hasn't been five years yet.
> labor searching for the Structural
> Model finally found it...
JOEL: It's always in the last place you look.
> and in what must be characterized as one of
> the most amazing accidents of modern science....
TOM: Seven sixes in a circle look like a dandelion!
> turned out to yield
> the world's first and only,
JOEL: The one and only! The man, the myth, the ...
> SCIENTIFIC PROOF OF GOD.
ALL: Ta-da-daaaaa!
[ JOEL picks up TOM, starts to leave. ]
>
>
CROW: [ As he leaves ] Boy, that'd be neat to hear about.
[ 1.. 2.. 3.. 4.. 5.. 6.. ]
[ SOL DESK. JOEL rolls up into view behind the desk; CROW, TOM, and
GYPSY are next to him. ]
JOEL: Whew. So, any thoughts about what we've learned today, guys?
CROW: I realized there's a major historian named Gibbon, and a major
kind of ape named Gibbon. I think that's important.
GYPSY: You suppose the historian ever sat down in a chair, reclined,
and fell?
TOM: *I* realized there's a Cato the Censor, a Cato the Younger,
and a Cato the Green Hornet's sidekick.
CROW: I ended up wondering if joining Hari Seldon was better than
joining the Hare Krishnas. I don't think mathematicians go
around bugging people at airports, but that might depend on
what airline they're flying.
GYPSY: Do you suppose Seldon harried people often?y
TOM: The U. S. Robots people had to cancel the DRR project, because
nobody could say R.D.R.R. without giggling.
CROW: Now, I heard that when Asimov wrote a lot of those robot short
stories he was working out a philosophy of a C/Fe culture,
the carbon-based humans taken on as partners to the iron-based
robots.
TOM: Which made *me* think if Asimov were French --
GYPSY: And who would believe Asimov as French?
TOM: They'd be working towards a Fi-Fi culture, where people just
don't make fun of their miniature poodles.
CROW: That sort of thing takes a lot of gaul.
TOM: Which, come to think of it, Ceasar had, didn't he? I bet he
enjoyed his salad days.
GYPSY: Never got over the Germans getting over the Rhine, though.
TOM: A lot of people have that problem, though. Say, you know, a
Crowe turned Gladiator not too long ago.
CROW: That's right. Found the emperor not too Commodious, either.
TOM: Went after him with a gladiolus, which in Latin means either
a 'little sword' or a flower.
GYPSY: And you're in a lot of trouble if you get the two mixed up.
TOM: I bet there's people who mix up the Carthage Rome destroyed
with the Carthage in Mississippi.
CROW: It's a natural mistake, if you've ever been there.
TOM: What about you, Joel? What have you learned?
JOEL: That I should stop asking you such open-ended questions.
[ Looking up ] What do you think, sirs?
[ DEEP 13. TV'S FRANK stands in front of a brick wall built of those
architect's toys, holding a microphone, with a spotlight on him;
DR. FORRESTER sits at the card table with a glass and an (open)
soda bottle. ]
FRANK: You know, a lot of people thought Asimov was a God -- he was
one of them! [ Rim shot. ] It all spiked in Eisenhower's
reelection campaign, when everybody liked Ike. [ Again. ]
DR. F: [ Turning around, to face camera, as TV's FRANK continues. ]
Ahem. All right, Joel. You guys got off a little easy this
week.
FRANK: [ Background ] Not everybody liked Ike. Couple editors, they
spiked Ike, which he didn't like. You know, he hung around a
group called the Black Widowers, and that was even before the
web. It never got too sticky, though. Only rarely turned
venomous.
DR. F: And, mark my words, when we find the movie, or whatever, that
finally does drive you mad, it will *so* let me take over the
world. So *there*. No matter what you think.
[ DR. FORRESTER drops a couple Ever-vescent tabs into his drink, and
then pours fresh soda into it. The result is a big explosion
of foam and fizz like a small volcano; DR. FORRESTER jumps
back. TV's FRANK continues as if nothing were wrong. The
excessive foaming continues. ]
DR. F: Frank! Do something!
FRANK: Do I get a medal?
DR. F: No, Frank.
FRANK: Muttley always got one ... [ noticeing DR. FORRESTER's angered
look ] ... I'll just get the button.
DR. F: [ As TV's FRANK moves off screen. ] Yeah, why don't you? And
the mop, too.
FRANK: [ From off stage ] And be sure to tip your waitresses.
\ | /
\ | /
\ | /
\|/
----o----
/|\
/ | \
/ | \
/ | \
[ SOUND of foaming continues through to teaser. ]
Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its characters and situations
are the creation of Best Brains, Inc. "Safety First" is the creation of
Johnny Pez, and is used with permission. The Three Laws of Robotics,
Powell, Donovan, and their situations are the property of the estate of
Dr. Isaac Asimov. The rants and spam "I Want To Sue The Murderous Pope"
by jmck...@bonzai.net, "An Open Letter to President Clinton" by Ken H.
Seto, "Past GALACTIC WARFARE in OUR Solar System" by Robert McElwaine, and
the "SPOG FAQ" by HAMMOND are the creations of their respective authors.
This is not an attempt to claim copyright or any other right over the
used material. The MiSTing as a whole is the creation of Joseph Nebus.
"Foundation And Its Friends" and the final sketch could not have been
completed without the timely and timeless assistance of Rob S. Rice, who
wrote all the funny puns; any mishandled or unfunny ones are the fault
of Joseph Nebus. Tune in tomorrow for "Love of Chair."
> "Arthur," said Donovan, "just what would it take to convince
> you that the station was safe?"