MSTed: Stephen Ratliff's "Falling Into Command". (4/6)

[JAREK]

[SOL]

[Crow is dressed up as a film director in front of the console. Tom Servo
is on the console, dressed in a greenish-gray jacket, sunglasses and a red
baseball cap with a yellow silhouette of the Satellite of Love printed on it
and the words "USS Satellite of Love" printed in yellow above the
silhouette.]

CROW: All right, places everybody! We've got a celebrity endorsement for
Stephen Ratliff to shoot here, unlikely as that may seem! Tom, you
ready? Are you feeling Tom Clancy-ish yet? [Tom nods as best he can]
Good! Roll camera! Cue sound! MARKER!!! [Crow exits stage left, and
Mike enters from stage right with a film slate]

MIKE [as film crewman]: Tom Clancy testimonial for Stephen Ratliff, take one!
[Mike clacks the slate and leaves the shot]

CROW [offscreen]: And... ACTION!

TOM SERVO [as Clancy]: Hi. I'm Tom Clancy, and I'm here to tell you why I
love Stephen Ratliff's stories. No, it's not because
I'm turning senile....

CROW [entering the shot]: CUT!!! Servo, quit horsing around! We've got a
tight schedule to meet here! All right, roll
camera! Cue sound! MARKER!!! [Crow exits stage
left, and Mike enters from stage right with a film
slate]

MIKE [as film crewman]: Tom Clancy testimonial for Stephen Ratliff, take two!
[Mike clacks the slate and leaves the shot]

CROW [offscreen]: And... ACTION!

TOM SERVO [as Clancy]: Tom Clancy here, best selling author and fan of
Stephen Ratliff's Marrissa stories! You know, it does
my heart proud to see young authors writing cheap
knockoffs of my work....

CROW [entering the shot]: CUT!!! Servo, what the hell are you doing?!

TOM SERVO: Look, Crow, if I'm going to play the role of Tom Clancy, I've
got to see things from *his* point of view, right? How do *you*
think he would react to seeing another series with a main
character who rises quickly into power through a series of
illnesses and tragic accidents, lots of descriptions of battle
scenes and military hardware, and plenty of glowing references to
the United States of America?

CROW: Servo... you're reading WAY too much into this....

TOM SERVO: And look, Marrissa picked up a royal title when she investigated
the assassinations at Essex in "A Royal Mess", right? Doesn't
sound *just a little* like what happened to Jack Ryan in "Patriot
Games"?

CROW: Look, Servo, be that as it may...

TOM SERVO: You've got Marrissa bringing peace to the war-torn Naklab region
in "Who Q? Where Q?" and "A Royal Wedding", and Jack Ryan
bringing peace to war-torn Israel in "Sum of All Fears"....

CROW [aside]: *Sigh*... This is what I get for hiring method actors....

TOM SERVO: And remember when Starfleet HQ and the Congress building got blown
up real good in the theater a few minutes ago, sending the
Federation into chaos? Want to take a guess what happens at the
end of "Debt of Honor"?

CROW: All right, all right, I get your point! Now listen, Servo... this is
*supposed* to be a celebrity testimonial. Follow me on this? That
means *you're* supposed to be Tom Clancy saying something *good* about
Ratliff's stories! Okay? Am I making this clear enough for you? Can
you knock off the Chevy Chase impression and do this right just *once*?

TOM SERVO: But if I'm supposed to be Tom Clancy, how the hell am I supposed
to...

CROW: I don't care about your problems! We're over budget on this thing as
it is! Just find me *one* good thing that Tom Clancy would say about
Ratliff's fanfics, and then we're done! Can we do that, please?!
*Sigh* All right, roll camera! Cue sound! MARKER!!! [Crow exits
stage left, and Mike enters from stage right with a film slate]

MIKE [as film crewman]: Tom Clancy testimonial for Stephen Ratliff, take
three! [Mike clacks the slate and leaves the shot]

CROW [offscreen]: And... ACTION!

TOM SERVO [as Clancy]: Tom Clancy here, speaking out for Stephen Ratliff's
Marrissa stories! You know, imitation really is the
sincerest form of flattery. So thank you, Stephen.
I'm very flattered indeed. [pause] But Jack Ryan
could kick Marrissa's ass any day of the week!

CROW [offscreen, sounding outraged]: CUT!!!

[Lights flash, buzzers buzz and pandemonium erupts]

CROW [offscreen]: That's it for today, everybody! WE'VE GOT RATLIFF SIGN!!!
SERVO, YOU'RE FIRED!!! YOU'LL NEVER WORK IN THIS TOWN
AGAIN....


[..6..]
[..5..]
[..4..]
[..3..]
[..2..]
[..1..]


[Mike and the bots enter the theater.]

MIKE: Just want you to know, Tom... I'm throwing all my Clancy books out the
airlock when this fanfic is over.
TOM SERVO: Well, *somebody* had to say it.

[Mike and the bots sit down.]

>Note:
> In this chapter I referance Captain Hikaru Sulu. I have a story
>that brings him into TNG time, which I thought I was going to finish
>first, so I used him. It got delayed when insperation hit on this one.

TOM SERVO: See what I mean? Tom Clancy wrote his stories out of order too!
MIKE: Great, Tom, I'm so glad you noticed that.

> Chapter Five

CROW: Chapter Five is alive!
MIKE: Somehow I doubt it.

> Nicholas Picard paced nervously outside the room where they worked
>on his father.

CROW: The thumbscrews didn't break him, but the electrodes and Coolio CDs
would definitely do the job.

> Fleet Admiral Jean-Luc Picard had lost a lot of blood,
>had a concussion, and several broken ribs.

TOM SERVO [as Picard]: That's the last time I spend my shore leave in a
Klingon gay bar....

> He noticed that things had
>gotten a lot less frantic since he had arrived. Then the Medical Center
>had been a bustle of activity, injuries coming in from around the world.

MIKE [as Michael Floorwax]: ALL OVER THE WOOOOOOOOORRRRRRLLLLLDDD!!!
CROW: So there's only one hospital on the entire planet?
TOM SERVO: HMOs. You know how it goes.

>Now things were quieting. Patients were being moved to rooms, and the
>bustle around the operating rooms had quieted.

MIKE: So... quiet, then.
TOM SERVO: Pretty much.

> He remembered the
>arguments his parents had over the size of this new hospital. He was
>willing to bet that his father would have no problems with a two billion
>bed hospital now.

CROW: Two BILLION?!
MIKE: Don't think about it. That way lies madness.

> From the operating room an experienced doctor emerged, her hair,
>once blond now graying.

TOM SERVO: Uh oh, I think I know who *this* is going to be....

> As she approached, Nick looked up expectantly.
>"Nicholas Picard?" the same voice that had greeted his request for
>assistance asked. His face took on a look of dread as the doctor
>approached.

MIKE: Fearful that he was going to be upstaged, Nicholas cringed.

> "I'm Doctor Kate Pulaski," she introduced herself.

TOM SERVO: Let me get this straight... Doctor Pulaski was the *kind-voiced*
one?
CROW: Nope. Not buying it.

> "You father

MIKE [as Eric Idle]: No... you patient's son, me doctor, she nurse, your
father patient.

> is
>going to be fine."
> "Can I see him?"

CROW [as Pulaski]: No, he's invisible right now.

> "In a little bit, we are moving him to a private room," Pulaski
>responded. "He should sleep for the next 24 hours,

TOM SERVO [as Pulaski]: The Ratliff story we gave him sedated him a little
more than we expected.

> and he will have to
>take it easy for the next couple of months."

MIKE: Seeing as how he's chained to a desk, I don't think they have to worry
about that.

> "If you'll relieve him of duty, I'll make sure he can't lift a
>finger," Nicholas responded, dutifully.

CROW [as Nick]: If I break his neck at just the right spot...

> "You can do that?" Pulaski replied. "I didn't know anyone could
>restrain him. I had the devil of a time when I was his CMO."

TOM SERVO [as Pulaski]: People just don't want me to treat them for some
reason....

> "You served with my father?" Nick responded, interested.

MIKE: So Nicky P here can diagnose injuries and knows old American history,
but doesn't know that his dad worked with Old Iron Pants?

> "Oh, yes, on board the old Enterprise-D while your mother was off
>commanding Star Fleet Medical," Pulaski informed. "Now how does one get
>old Jean-Luc Picard to restrain himself?"
> "I just tell him that I'll tell mother," Nick replied.

CROW [as Nick]: She's got whips, chains and fur-lined handcuffs to work with.

> As he completed the comment Laxwanna Troi

TOM SERVO: Any relation to Lwaxana?

> entered, rushing over to
>Nick's side. "Nicholas, where is your father, the Computer said he was
>here."

MIKE: Well, seeing as how the computer said he was *here*, I guess that means
he's *here*, doesn't it?

> "Fleet Admiral Picard has been relieved of duty," Doctor Pulaski
>responded for Nick.
> "I must see him," Laxwanna responded trying to push her way past.

CROW [as Lwaxana]: He has needs that only *I* can meet....
MIKE: You're dangerously close to a time-out, Crow.

> "He must get his rest, and I have restricted visitors to family
>members, hospital wide," Doctor Pulaski said firmly playing the
>unmoveable object to Laxwanna's unstoppable force.

TOM SERVO: In the unreadable fanfic.

> "Even if you where
>the President of the Federation on urgent business you couldn't get into
>see him."

CROW: I wonder if they'll settle this by wrestling in a tub of Jello....
MIKE: [cringes] Never, ever put that image into my head again, Crow.

> "That is what I am," Laxwanna responded. "Captain Jay Gordon has
>asked who commands now that Star Fleet Head Quarters is gone. I must
>find out who that is."

TOM SERVO: Find out? What, there's no news?
MIKE: No Internet?
CROW: No disco? No fooling around?

> "When did Inno die?" Pulaski asked.
> "I assume when the Congress building was blown up by the Romulans
>while he was giving the State of the Federation Address," Laxwanna
>responded.

CROW: I can see it now... "The state of the Federation is..." KABOOM!!!
TOM SERVO: Yup, that about sums it up.

> "In any case, I'm now president and I'd like to know who
>commands this war we're in."

MIKE: So in the future, president does not equal Commander-in-Chief?

> "My father keeps a list of people that he believes could replace
>him

TOM SERVO: Sean Connery, Ben Kingsley...

> in the upper left compartment of his desk drawer back in the
>vineyard house," Nick informed.

CROW: So the future of the Federation depends on Post-it notes in a
farmhouse. Wonderful.

> "Since the Doctor says that my father
>will be out for how long?"
> "A month if he is good, two if not," Pulaski responded.

MIKE [as Pulaski]: And much longer than that if he dies.

> "Ah, just in time to see my sister give birth," Nick remarked.

CROW: She's SPAWNING! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
TOM SERVO: It's so heartwarming to see Nick take such a casual attitude about
his father's critical injuries.

>"Jay has a key, you can get him and find out my father's
>recommendations. Doctor Pulaski, can I go see my father now?"

MIKE [as Pulaski]: I guess so. We've had enough exposition for one scene.

> "I'll take you there," Pulaski said, as President Laxwanna Troi
>rushed out of the hospital.

TOM SERVO: Check me on this... shouldn't the president of the Federation have
bodyguards?

>
> Captain Jay Gordon and Captain Deanna Riker met the new President

CROW [singing]: ... same as the old President.

>of the Federation outside the Picard Vineyard House. The two Captains
>were a study in contrasts.

MIKE: One was a spoiled brat, and the other was a hot babe aging gracefully.

> Jay was a tall blond man who had a note of
>sadness around him. Deanna Riker was short with dark hair and bubbling
>with left over enthusiasm from the battle.

TOM SERVO [as Deanna]: Killing is fun!

> "Good morning Captain, Little One," Laxwanna said, striding up to
>the Captains.

CROW: Still no bodyguards, I see. Just one shotgun blast, and we'd be rid of
all three of 'em....

> "Good morning," Jay responded. Deanna replied only with a short
>glare, she hated the nickname her mother called her, and wished her
>mother would stop calling her that. "Let us go in."

TOM SERVO [reverent voice]: And let us give thanks for this day that the Lord
has made....

> Jay open the lock
>and opened the door for the ladies.

MIKE: Then the security system kicked in and phaser blasts vaporized the
three of them. Only dust remained.

> "Captain, Nicholas said the document we needed is in upper left
>compartment of Jean-Luc's desk drawer," the President informed.

CROW [as Lwaxana]: Next to his "Orion Slavegirls Monthly".

> "I know the document in question," Jay replied,

MIKE [as trial lawyer]: And could you please describe this document to the
ladies and gentlemen in this courtroom, Mr. Gordon?

> going over to the
>desk and removing a single piece of parchment. "My father-in-law
>thought parchment would be appropriate for this document."

CROW: Sure, let's put the vital Starfleet information on something vulnerable
to fire and other damage....
TOM SERVO: Instead of, oh say, putting it on a disk, on a network, or some
other place where YOU COULD GET TO IT IN AN EMERGENCY!!!

> He handed the
>singlely folded paper to President Troi.

CROW: ... who used it to roll the biggest joint in the Federation.

> Laxwanna unfolded the sheet and began reading the twenty names and
>postings.

MIKE: Finally she knew who had killed JFK.

> She passed name after name who she knew were dead. She came
>to number five, and remembered the bad news she had to deliver. "Vice
>Admiral William T. Riker," she sighed.

TOM SERVO: So she just now remembered that her *son-in-law* is dead?
CROW: And nobody bothered to tell his wife?

> As she noticed her daughter
>brightening, she took the plunge.

MIKE: The Nestea plunge.

> "I'm sure rather hear it from me than
>have some Lieutenant come to your door.

CROW: *I'm* sure she'd rather hear it in a syntax that makes sense!

> Deanna, I'm afraid Will was
>inside Star Fleet Command when it blew up."

TOM SERVO [as news anchor]: Female Starfleet officers everywhere are
celebrating this welcome turn of events....

> "Are you sure?" Deanna asked as tears filled her eyes.

MIKE [as Deanna]: Thank God, I can start dating again! I'm free of him at
last!

> "I wish I wasn't, Little One," Laxwanna replied taking her lone
>daughter into her arms.

TOM SERVO [as Lwaxana]: The fat fire is still burning even as we speak....

> "Jay, only one of these people is still alive.
>Would you mind arranging a secure channel to your wife."

CROW: Another unexpected surprise...
MIKE: What were you saying before about the chain of command, Tom?

> By this time,
>Deanna had completely let go in the protection of her mother's arms and
>was crying softly.

TOM SERVO [as Deanna, sobbing]: He still owed me twenty dollars!

> Jay understood Deanna Riker's grief, so he took the paper from the
>president and when into the next room where he double checked the
>communication station's security like he had learned from his young
>sister-in-law Jackie.

MIKE: Jay always paid more attention to little kids than he did to standard
Starfleet operating procedure.

> As everything checked out, he then went to the
>wine cellar and picked out some of the '67.

CROW: ... and drank until he was lying in a pool of his own vomit.

> He knew that that year had
>been an average year and he didn't think that a good year would be
>appreciated or he would have gotten some of the '63 with it's label
>commemorating the owner, Marise Picard's son receiving command of the
>Federation Flagship. He suspected that the '83 would be receiving a
>similar label.

TOM SERVO: Jay Gordon: Starfleet captain and noted wine critic.

> Then he reentered the room, carrying a tray with the wine and three
>glasses on it. "A little wine for your sorrows," Jay suggested as
>Deanna pulled herself away from her mother. She accepted the glass.

MIKE [as commercial announcer]: This playlet was brought to you by Ratliff's
Booze Council... because booze eases the pain
and heals all wounds!
CROW [as Deanna]: Ah, sweet booze... *hic*... YOU'RE my husband now....

>Jay pored one for the President as well.

TOM SERVO: I don't even want to THINK about what that could mean....

> "Mrs. President the
>communicator is sent up the next room.

MIKE: Bad communicator! Bad! Go to the next room!

> Just press the button labeled
>Marrissa."

CROW [as Dr. Forrester]: Push the button, Frank!
MIKE: They've got her on speed dial....
TOM SERVO [as Jay]: It's either a comm station or the admiral's Remote
Assassination Machine. We're not sure which. Just push
the button and let me know what happens.

> "Is it secure?" Laxwanna Troi asked.

MIKE [as Lwaxana]: Is it confident and dry? Raise your hand if you're sure.

> "Unless someone else has sampled Jackie's DNA, yes," Jay responded,
>sipping at his own glass of wine.

TOM SERVO: Let's see... Riker's dead, Picard is out of action, Marrissa is
pregnant, near term and about to be promoted AGAIN, the Federation
is tottering on the edge of chaos with Lwaxana Troi running the
show... God, now *I* need a drink!

>
> Marrissa had just put Jeffery

CROW: ... in the Jefferies tube! It seemed appropriate.

> to bed when the call came in. It
>being gamma shift, Clara was in command,

MIKE: And she was busy pre-emptively flogging the crew.

> and was her that informed
>Marrissa of the call,

TOM SERVO: It was SHE!

> "Message incoming on secured frequency 49. It's
>coded as personnel priority one contact from Commanding Admiral Star
>Fleet." 49 was the low admiral personal contact frequency, similar to
>47, Captain's Personal.

MIKE: Ratliff can't even write good technobabble.

> "Pipe it down here, Clara," Marrissa responded, bringing up her
>view screen.
> "Aye sir."

CROW [as Marrissa]: And then bring in your steno pad and those files I
wanted.

> "Priority One authorization J required," the computer informed.
>The new authorization schemes in Star Fleet for this war had been named
>according to their inventor's first name. J stood for Marrissa's sister
>Jacqualine.

MIKE: So there are twenty-six possible combinations.
TOM SERVO: If you use the English alphabet.
CROW: Don't they always?

> "Marrissa, file 1 0 1 3 5, level two alpha, command Enterprise,"
>Marrissa replied, placing her hand on the authorization pad.

MIKE [as computer]: DOS write error, (A)bort (R)etry (F)ail?

> "Authorization confirmed, standby for incoming communication," the
>computer responded.

TOM SERVO [as computer]: And thank you for using AT&T.

> The Star Fleet Logo was replaced with the visage of Laxwanna Troi.

ALL: AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
CROW: Don't DO that!

>In the background the Picard Family Vineyard House's dinning room

MIKE: Located right next to the dining room...
TOM SERVO: ... where Jay and Deanna were doing shots like there was no
tomorrow.
MIKE [as Jay]: You know, the light does crazy things to your hair, Deanna...
may I call you Deanna? Now that you're available, what are
you doing after the war?

> could
>be made out. "Admiral Marrisa Picard,

CROW [as Marrissa]: Misspell my name again, woman, and I'll make sure that
your political career comes to an end... *permanently*!

> I regret to inform you that Earth
>has been attacked. While we have fought them off, many places on Earth
>have been destroyed.

TOM SERVO [as Lwaxana]: Melrose Place, Peyton Place, Park Place, K-Mart - The
Savings Place...

> President Inno died addressing the Federation
>Congress,

MIKE [as Lwaxana]: He died of writer's cramp while filling out all those
envelopes.

> making me President."
> "I'm sorry to hear that, Madam President," Marrissa responded,

TOM SERVO [as Marrissa]: For the sake of every Federation citizen everywhere,
I'm sorry.

>beginning to suspect bad news was emanate.

CROW: *We* knew bad news was imminent as soon as we saw the name "Ratliff"!

> "Thank you Admiral," Troi responded. "Star Fleet Command was also
>destroyed." Marrissa took in a deep breath, her mind racing.

MIKE [as Marrissa, deviously]: Now I make my move....

>"Fortunately, the Fleet Admiral was not inside. However, he was injured
>in the ensuing panic and will be out of commission for the next month or
>two."

TOM SERVO: All their advanced technology can't stand in the way of a plot
device....

> "How is he?" Marrissa inquired.

CROW [as Lwaxana]: Flatter.

> "I'm told he is resting quietly," Laxwanna responded, "but that is
>not why I called you.

MIKE [as Lwaxana]: How are your macrame lessons coming along?

> With Jean-Luc out of commission, I must appoint
>an acting Commanding Admiral, Star Fleet to act until he can return to
>duty. I have here his recommendations for just such an event. You are
>my only choice."

TOM SERVO [as Lwaxana]: That being the case, I plan to contact the Romulans
immediately to discuss terms for our surrender....

> "Surely there are others," Marrissa demurred.

CROW [as Leslie Nielsen]: There are no others. And don't call me Shirley.

> "I happen to know
>that I'm twentieth on that list."

MIKE [as Casey Kasem]: Falling off the charts at number twenty, here's the
little princess Marrissa singing her version of the
Rolling Stones' "Under My Thumb"!

> "All the others are dead,"

TOM SERVO: Conveniently.

> Troi responded. "I will be making an
>announcement of your new position after I am publicly sworn in.

CROW [as Lwaxana]: The police have been told to expect total panic.

> I'm
>told that will happen sometime around noon, Greenwich Mean Time."
> "Send out a general order announcing it around the same time,"
>Marrissa informed. "That will make it official."
> "Thank you Marrissa,

MIKE [as Lwaxana]: ... but I think *I'M* the president here, and I can make
those decisions just fine without your help, thank you
VERY MUCH!!!

> Troi out."
>
> Captain Hikaru Sulu of the USS Excelsior came out of warp

CROW: Unfortunately the Excelsior didn't, so Sulu died a horrible death in
the vacuum of space....
MIKE: He was remarkably spry for a man of one hundred and forty-four.
TOM SERVO: And he was still pissed that he didn't make Admiral Picard's list
of replacements.

> with his
>detachment of five starships. The system which held Romulan Starbase
>17, normally held a score of ships for it's defense.

CROW: But they were all decoyed off by a promise of free beer at Deneb III.

> A previous attack
>by all forty starships in the first fleet, of which the Excelsior was a
>part, had dropped that number to a dozen, before reinforcements arrived.
>Only those were guarding the system when the Excelsior made it's attack
>run.

MIKE: I can already feel the pulse-pounding tension in this masterful Ratliff
battle scene.

> It was a hit and run attack.

TOM SERVO [as God from New Jersey DMV short]: Why, that's so *despicable* an
act, that I wouldn't even
accuse *YOU* of doing it!

> Sulu hitting the starbase and
>gloating them into following him.

CROW: *Gloating*?

> Six followed the Excelsoir

MIKE: Let me guess... that's French for "stupid plot device", right?

> and it's
>cohorts out of the system. The warbirds steadfastly resisted losing the
>Starfleet vessels, not that they were trying hard to lose them.
>
>
> Chapter Six

TOM SERVO: Chapter Six-six-six: The fanfic of the beast.
CROW: Oh sure, by all means, go ahead and bring the battle scene to a dead
halt and move on to something else. What's next, a chapter about hair
ribbons?!

> In a couple of hours Captain Jay Gordon would be shipping out

TOM SERVO: ... or shaping up.

> on
>the Hawaii with her new Captain, Deanna Troi.

MIKE: I'm trying hard not to picture Marina Sirtis standing on the bridge
wearing one of those obnoxiously loud flower-print shirts with a lei
draped around her neck.
TOM SERVO: Wait a minute... Deanna *Troi*?

> (With her husband's death
>she had shifted back to her maiden name.)

CROW: So she's already saying she's available? How sensitive.

> T'Gwen Washington had assumed
>command of the Fleet at Earth until Captain La Forge was ready to return
>to duty, and had been made a Rear Admiral by Marrissa.

MIKE: Marrissa can do that, being Ratliff's main character and all.

> Marrissa, upon
>assuming command of Star Fleet, had be promoted to full Admiral and was
>directing the war from her position somewhere along Romulan Space.

TOM SERVO: She's an admiral, a princess, a treaty negotiator, and infamous
scourge of the galaxy... but she really wants to direct!

> He
>would be rejoining the fleet at Essex. Meanwhile he had something to
>take care of on the Wellington.

CROW: Figuring out the plot!

> When the door to his parents quarters on the Wellington opened,
>familiar sights greeted him.

MIKE: The whips and chains, the cat-o'-nine-tails, the manacles attached to
the headboard...

> He hadn't lived with his parents since he
>left for the Academy at fourteen,

CROW: After his parents disowned him.

> and then his parents were living on
>the Independence. Never the less, the quarters had the same feel of
>home, a feeling he had tried to envoke on the Enterprise. It was mostly
>standard furniture, with the exception of his mother's rocking chair,
>but still the memory was there.

TOM SERVO: [starts humming "The Way We Were"]

> He had come to pack up all the belongings, sorting out those that
>were to go to the Enterprise, mostly those of his little brother and
>sister Lynn.

CROW: Wait a second... is Lynn a hermaphrodite?!
MIKE: I think "little brother" was supposed to refer to somebody else, Crow.

> The rest he'd put in storage on Essex in his wife's castle
>basement, the dungeon she like to call it.

TOM SERVO: Funny how she started calling it that after she started locking
people away down there....

> He'd promised himself he
>wouldn't cry, and he made a valiant effort, until he came to his
>parents' room.
> The last time he had visited them, and he had stayed out of the
>quarters on his way to Earth, the rocking chair had been opposite his
>parent's bed. Now it was partially packed in

CROW: ... its own juices.

> a packing case. On the
>bedside table was a note in his mother's handwriting. Jay's eyes filled
>with tears as he began reading.

MIKE [as Jay's mom]: Dear Son, I sunk all our money into Bajoran real estate.
Ha ha, we're screwed. Love, Mom.

>
> Dear Jay,
> As your wife's time grows near, I feel it is time to
> pass on the family rocking chair.

CROW [as Jay's mom]: We couldn't get more than $1.50 for it at the pawn shop,
so you might as well have it.

> I know you'll probably
> insist I keep it, but there comes a time when you must pass
> on such traditions.

MIKE: Other times you have to hand them off or lateral them.

> This chair has been in the Gordon
> family for centuries. Your grandma Gordon gave it to me
> just before I had you, and said she got it from Great
> Grandma Gordon before she had your father.

TOM SERVO [as Jay's mom]: Before that, your great-great-great-great-great-
grandfather had it while he was Police Commissioner
of Gotham City.

> Now it's your
> turn. Just don't name your child Morgan, I know all the
> ribbing your father went though with that name.

MIKE: What's wrong with "Morgan"? Sure beats "Jackson Johnson" by a long
shot.
CROW: It just doesn't have the ring to it that "Throwaway" does.
TOM SERVO: And we *all* know what happened to that boy named Sue....

> Love,
> Mom

MIKE [as Jay's mom]: Oh, who am I trying to kid? We never loved you!
CROW [as Jay's mom]: P.S. Bite me.

>
> Jay's tears flowed freely, letting go as he mechanically finished
>packing. Soon everything was

TOM SERVO: ... sopping wet.

> in order. His younger siblings's stuff

CROW: ... he blasted out the nearest airlock.

>and the rocking chair were ready to beam to the Hawaii. While the rest
>would be taken to Essex later on a feighter.

MIKE: He would have used a freighter, but only a feighter was available.

> He used his right sleeve
>to dry his face and shakenly

CROW: ... but not stirredly.

> ordered, "Captain Jay Gordon to Hawaii, one
>person and cargo to beam up."

TOM SERVO: So why did he bother to pack the chair? Was it going to get
jostled during the beam-out?

>
> Lynn was finishing up, between the tears, her arrangement of her
>belongings in her new room that she shared with Jackie. She hadn't seen
>Jackie since she moved in, but Jackie's bed had been slept in.

CROW: She also noticed that someone had sat in Jackie's chair and eaten her
porridge.

> Lynn
>made the bed for her. Lynn liked things to be tidy.

MIKE: Lynn needed to make sure that every molecule of dirt was scrubbed off
her hands every ten minutes.

> She decided, that
>for the moment, the family picture was just too painful.

TOM SERVO: Too many sharp edges around the frame.

> Instead, she
>placed a picture of herself, her older brother Jay, her older sister
>Jessica, and her younger brother Jeffery, taken just before Jay had
>received his promotion to Captain next to her bed.

MIKE: They wanted to have the promotion ceremony in the auditorium, but
having it beside Lynn's bed was cheaper.

> "You didn't need to make the bed," Jackie commented as she entered
>the room.
> "I can't stand an unmade bed," Lynn shrugged.

CROW [as Lynn]: Or an unbedded maid.
MIKE [threateningly]: Crow...

> "I would have made it, but Commander Sutter-Rozhenko had a problem
>that needed my attention," Jackie responded.

TOM SERVO [as Jackie]: She still can't spell her last name.

> "Rule number 14 of being
>an officer on a starship, they'll always wake you up early when you
>stayed up late."

MIKE: Rule Number One: Don't make kids into officers.
CROW: Rule Number Fifteen: Stop making up stupid rules.

> "Then don't stay up late," Lynn suggested.

TOM SERVO [as Jackie]: Oh, thank you so much, Mrs. Know-It-All!

> "I stayed up late fixing another problem," Jackie replied.

MIKE [as Jackie]: And when I have to fix a problem, it *stays* fixed.
PERMANENTLY. Catch my drift, annoying one?

> "That
>reminds me, Marrissa wants me to set up a Kid's crew on the Enterprise.

CROW [as Jackie]: I have no idea why she chuckled with evil glee as she told
me this.

>Apparently my time is higher than the other children on board."
> "Not that hard, mines only 15:14.234" Lynn responded.

TOM SERVO: Wait a minute... is Ratliff still handing out promotions based on
nothing other than Kobayashi Maru time?

> "Then I beat you by just hundredth of a second," Jackie replied.

MIKE [as Jackie]: And that hundredth of a second forever dooms you to be my
inferior.

>"Anyway, do you have any suggestions on how to start?"
> "You're asking me?" Lynn responded.

CROW [as Travis Bickle]: You talkin' to ME? Are YOU talkin' to ME?

> Jackie gave an of course
>shrug. "I inherited my crew from my sister Jessica.

MIKE: I, Jessica, being of sound mind and body, do bequeath my crew and
ship...
TOM SERVO: I'd contest that will.

> She might have an
>idea, lets go ask her."
> "I don't think we want to do that," Jackie replied.

CROW [as Jackie]: I'm starting to have a real bad feeling about this Kid's
Crew idea....

> At Lynn's look
>of askance,

TOM SERVO: Look of *askance*? *Sigh* Got anything to READ, guys?

> Jackie continued. "She hasn't been in the best of moods
>lately.

CROW [as Jackie]: That time of the month. You know how it is.

> I ran into a couple of the pilots from her squadron.

MIKE [as Jackie]: Fortunately, no one was hurt.

> She's
>ridding them hard."

CROW: Hey, leave her personal life out of this!

> "Jess, ridding them hard?" Lynn exclaimed.

MIKE [as Jackie]: What the hell is *that* supposed to mean?

> "I didn't think their
>was a mean bone in her body ... with the exception of what ever makes
>her ignore me and my little brother."

TOM SERVO: Well, that's just common sense.
CROW: That's what we wish *we* could do!

> "She ignores you?" Jackie inquired. Jackie's siblings had always
>been attentive, so this was something new to her. "How could she, she's
>your sister."

MIKE: You just answered your own question.

> "There is four years difference and she's never taken the time to
>get to know me," Lynn responded.

CROW [as Lynn]: I just KNOW she'd like me....
TOM SERVO [as Jon Lovitz]: GET TO KNOW ME!!!

> "There is thirteen between me and Marrissa, and twenty-three
>between me and Wesley,"

MIKE: Oh God... it's the "W" word!
TOM SERVO: Ride it out, Mike.

> Jackie replied. "They've always listened to
>me."

CROW: Of course, they're complete idiots, so what do they know?

> "Lynn, Jackie, a word with you please," Marrissa called from the
>next room.

TOM SERVO [as Marrissa]: I need your advice... what's the best way to make
sure my dad *stays* out of commission?

> The two came rushing in. "Any progress on the kid's crew
>front?"
> "Not really," Jackie responded.

MIKE [as Jackie]: In fact, it's all quiet on the Kid's Crew front.

> "I was hoping Lynn would have some
>ideas, but she inherited her crew."

TOM SERVO [as Jackie]: She's so lucky... I had to save up my money and *buy*
my crew!

> "I'll then I suggest a good place to start may be your teachers,"
>Marrissa stated.

CROW: Your English teachers. So you don't end up talking like this!

> "They know who is good at what. and who is fascinated
>with this and that.

MIKE [as Marrissa]: And where to put a period in a sentence.

> They are an excellent starting place. But, that's
>not why I called you. Jacquelyn Christine Gordon.

TOM SERVO [as Marrissa]: You march right upstairs and clean up your room this
INSTANT!

> Your actions in
>battle have come to my attention.

MIKE: WHAT actions?
TOM SERVO: Besides playing dead and praying that the ship doesn't take
another hit?

> It is my opinion as Kid's Crew
>Supervising Officer, that you deserve an Ensign's rank. As Commanding
>Admiral, Star Fleet, I'm happy to give you one."

CROW: Congratulations, Lynn. Your valiant actions have just demoted you from
Kid's Crew Captain to Ensign.

> "Thank you, Admiral," Lynn responded.

MIKE [as Lynn]: ... I think.

> "I hope I can live up to
>your expectations."

TOM SERVO: Not likely, but have fun trying!

> "I'm sure you will, Lynn," Marrissa replied.

CROW [as Marrissa, threateningly]: Because if you don't...

>
> Martin Sussex, Ship's Counselor, walked into Sickbay for his weekly
>meeting with Doctor Johnson.

MIKE: I let it pass last time, but... Doc Johnson?
TOM SERVO: Should've let it pass this time, too.

> The Earl Floras was about 5' 10" in height
>and of a medium build. He wore Starfleet Medical blue, although
>regulations allowed him great freedom in attire.

MIKE: Which explained his pumps, skirt and Indian war bonnet.
CROW: And you should see him on clothing-optional Friday!

> He brushed a stray
>blond hair from his eyes, and called out, "Doctor, are you ready for our
>meeting yet," after noting the vacant office.

TOM SERVO [as Martin]: And why is that piece of rubber tubing tied around
your arm?

> "Hold your horses, Martin," the Doctor called from the lab. "I'll
>be out in a moment." The Doctor exited the lab,

CROW: ... zipped up his pants...

> and hung his lab coat
>on the coat rack outside his office.

MIKE [as Dr. Johnson]: Sorry about that. My biology experiment has been
getting out of control lately, and it was just about
to break out of its cage. But I think we'll be safe
out here.

> "Still trying to cure the incurable?" Martin asked.

TOM SERVO [as Dr. Johnson]: Yeah, still trying to turn Ratliff into a writer.

> "Actually I was making sugar candy for the younguns," Doctor
>Jackson Johnson responded.

CROW [as Dr. Forrester]: Before adulthood, when *booze* becomes a staple,
*sugar* is the next best substitute to parental
love!
MIKE: You used to do that voice a lot better....

> "If they know there is a reward, they're much
>more cooperative.

CROW: First one's free, right?

> What's first on the agenda?"

TOM SERVO [as Martin]: First, we slow the plot to a crawl.
MIKE [as Dr. Johnson]: Done. Next?

> "Let's start with Marrissa's situation," Martin suggested.

TOM SERVO [as Martin]: I want this Marrissa situation taken care of...
PERMANENTLY!

> "How
>are those two children she just acquired."

CROW [as Dr. Johnson]: She sold them off while the market was good.

> "Physically they are OK," the Doctor responded.

MIKE [as Dr. Johnson]: Mentally, they need to be locked up.

> "Jeffery was quite
>fascinated with my equipment.

CROW: Mmph! MMMMPPPHH!!!
MIKE [with right hand over Crow's mouth]: Not one word out of you, Crow...

> I promised to give him a tour sometime.

TOM SERVO: MMPH!!!
MIKE [with left hand over Tom's mouth]: And that goes for you too!

>Jacquelynn, I think she goes by Lynn,"

CROW: To keep from confusing the author.
TOM SERVO: 'Cause it's too late for the readers.

> Martin confirmed this with a nod,
>"seemed preoccupied. She seemed also to be neglecting herself a little.
>Her hair had a couple tangles."

CROW [as Dr. Johnson]: Tangles?! That settles it... we've *got* to have her
committed!
MIKE: That's right, Earth has just been attacked, the Federation lies in
ruins... now's a *great* time to start talking about people's hair!
TOM SERVO: I think this harks back to when doctors were barbers too. We'll
see leeches next.

> "I think Lynn is dealing with her grief like Jay's been known to
>do," Martin responded.
> "How's that?" Jackson inquired.

CROW [as Martin]: Running madly through the corridors of the ship with a
butcher knife, hacking and stabbing at anyone who comes
close.
TOM SERVO [as Martin]: And mussing up her hair.

> "Retreating from the world, holing up, isolating ones self from the
>world,"

CROW: What's she doing, majoring in Computer Science?
MIKE: No, she's getting mentally prepared to write a series of fanfics....

> Martin enumerated.

TOM SERVO: That's how mathematicians get after too many drinks.

> "You remember how Jay was when he thought the
>Captain was dead several months ago."

CROW [as Dr. Johnson]: As I recall, we found him table dancing in Ten
Forward.

> "I do remember trying to find him for a physical, which he needs
>again," Jackson responded.

MIKE [as Dr. Johnson]: He's scheduled for routine maintenance every 10,000
miles.

> "I assume you have a plan to keep little Lynn
>from following in her brother's path."

TOM SERVO [as Martin]: Yup. Euthanasia.

> "Yes, I've asked Marrissa to talk to her,

CROW: And if THAT doesn't put the fear of God into her, NOTHING will!

> as she had a similar
>experience," Martin informed. "And the Admiral is also looking for some
>activity to get her out of the quarters."

MIKE [as Martin]: Like clog-dancing or playing the bagpipes.

> "Admiral Picard had a similar experience?" Doctor Johnson inquired.

TOM SERVO: Which Admiral Picard?

>"I wasn't aware of it."
> "It was before your time, and mine as well," Martin informed the
>doctor.

CROW: You're making it sound like Marrissa is *so* much older....

> "I only know it from her record and what Clara told me. It
>seems that during the time that Marrissa first took command of the
>saucer on the old Enterprise-D,

TOM SERVO: ... the horror began for us!

> both her parents died on some classified
>mission.

MIKE [as Martin]: And, as usual, the secretary disavowed any knowledge of
their actions.

> Shortly there after, then Captain Jean-Luc Picard adopted her.
>I'm told that Marrissa was absolute hell on her Kid's Crew for the next
>couple months."

CROW: Mind you, alt.startrek.creative was hit pretty hard too!

> "Speaking of hell, what about Lieutenant Jessica Gordon?" Doctor
>Johnson asked.

TOM SERVO: Speaking of hell, how much longer is this fanfic going to LAST?!

> "Well, I'd say the squadron commander is doing the opposite of her
>younger sister's reaction," Martin responded. "She seems to be throwing
>herself into her work. In the process she is pushing her squadron to
>the limit."

MIKE [as Dr. Johnson]: Don't worry about it... if she keeps it up, someone's
going to roll a grenade into her quarters, and then
she won't be our problem anymore.

> "A little time off might be in order," Johnson responded.

CROW: I'd like some time off too... from this fanfic!

> "Possible, but I think a temporary reassignment may be better,"
>Martin Sussex responded. "She needs something to occupy her time, but
>not so involved."

MIKE [as Martin]: Have her clean off the tables in Ten-Forward.

> "Forward the suggestion to Admiral Picard for the temporary
>reassignment," Doctor Johnson advised. "Now what about Ensign Greer
>...."

TOM SERVO: See that? Tom Clancy had an Admiral Greer in three of his books!
MIKE: Wonderful, Tom. Thank you so much for pointing that out....

>
> Jackie and Lynn were going over the reports that the Enterprise's
>teachers had supplied them.

CROW: They were horrified by what they saw.

> There were 26 children over the age of 5,
>which was the minimum age for kid's crews.

TOM SERVO: *Five*? FIVE?!?
CROW: But they were thinking about making an exception for an eight-month old
who had a really kick-ass Kobayashi Maru score....

> The two residents of the
>Captain's quarters were the only two who had their command credentials
>among them.

MIKE: And even THEY were little better than drooling toddlers.

> "I don't think we can do much more than make a bridge crew
>rotation," Lynn remarked.

CROW [as Lynn]: So screw it! This Kid's Crew thing was a stupid idea
anyway....

> "We can do more than that," Jackie responded, pushing back her red
>hair. "We've got some good people security wise, and the triplets seem
>to each fill a role on our bridge."

MIKE: But if they all look alike, isn't that going to cause some confusion?
TOM SERVO: What's a little more confusion at this point?

> "I agree, lets see if we can make a shift with them," Lynn
>responded. "Beverly for Engineering, Deanna at Operations, and station
>Tasha at tactical.

ALL: [burst out laughing]
CROW [as Ratliff]: I'll just fill in famous Star Trek bridge crew names for
these new characters. I'm *sure* nobody will notice....

> That just leaves a helmsman, and a command officer."

TOM SERVO: And all the GROWNUPS who now have no jobs!

> "How about Jeffrey?" Jackie replied. "He's got good reflexes." "It
>will get him out of his room," Lynn remarked.

TOM SERVO: Lynn... bridge duty is NOT done for therapeutic reasons!

> "But I've never been able
>to find a place for him before. He does OK where ever I place him, but
>lacks enthusiasm."

MIKE: Maybe if you let him get past *puberty*, you'd see his enthusiasm
return!
CROW: Nah, if you let him go through puberty, you'll NEVER get him out of his
room....

> "Red Alert, All hands to Battle stations," the computer interupted.

MIKE: Is it just me, or did the computer completely fail to convey a sense of
urgency just then?

> "So much for planning," Jackie remarked.

CROW [as Jackie]: *Sigh*... War is SUCH an inconvenience....

> "I've got to get down to
>system monitoring."

TOM SERVO [as Jackie]: Where I have my own personal escape pod...

> "See you later," Lynn replied. "Marrissa's placed me on the bridge
>at Science One."

MIKE [as Lynn]: I think that means she wants me to do some kind of science
stuff....

>
> Earlier down in Sickbay, Doctor Jackson Johnson was showing little
>Jeffrey Gordon around, as promised.

TOM SERVO: I've got a *bad* feeling about this, guys....

> The little six-year-old ate the
>doctor's words up like candy.

CROW: Strangely enough, he also ate the doctor's candy up like words.

> He seemed interested in everything that
>the doctor said, and knew more than the doctor expected.

TOM SERVO: But then, so did the ficus plant in the doctor's office.

> "This is the isolation ward," Doctor Johnson explained.

CROW [as Dr. Johnson]: ... where we keep stuff isolated.

> "Capable of keeping fifty people insolated from each other while
>still allowing treatment," Jeffery responded.

TOM SERVO: Nice to know they'll get a tan while they're stuck in sick bay.
MIKE: Huh?
TOM SERVO: "Insolated". Look it up.

> "Yes, how did you know that?" the Doctor inquired.

CROW [as Jeffery]: Oh, I'm a kid, so I basically know everything.
TOM SERVO: Doogie Hawser, M.D., The Early Years.

> "I had Jackie pull up the stats for me last night," Jeffery
>responded.

MIKE [as Jeffery]: She also told me that you had your license suspended a
while back when they caught you using some of the
anesthetics on yourself.

> "Lets see what else you know," Johnson asked. "You can give me the
>tour."

CROW [as Dr. Johnson]: I don't know what HALF this stuff does! Maybe you can
help me figure it out....

> Jeffery proceeded to give the tour, with only a couple
>corrections from Doctor Johnson.

MIKE: Such as mixing up a tongue depressor and a scalpel.

> "Amazing, you seem to have a real interest in Medicine," a nurse
>commented as they concluded the tour.

CROW [as Jeffery]: Oh yes, nurse, I do! Wanna come play doctor with me
sometime?
MIKE: Careful, nurse. That kid could be bossing you around a *lot* sooner
than you think!
TOM SERVO: *sigh* Well, it was only a matter of time before Ratliff violated
the medical profession. He's already shown us kid engineers, kid
captains, kid diplomats...
MIKE: Is there *any* occupation out there that Ratliff *doesn't* think a six
year old could do better and faster?!

>
> Romulan Starbase Five was in Captain Demora Sulu of the Ambassador
>Class Starship Osaka's sights.

TOM SERVO: I think that sentence was a little overburdened.
CROW: And she's, what, about a hundred years old now?
MIKE: Actually, thanks to an astounding Ratliff plot twist, she's retained
her youth and vigor!

> With only five starships, she didn't
>expect to over run it's dozen defenders. But that wasn't her goal. The
>Osaka and her companions charged into the system, striking ships as they
>passed.

CROW: They're playing interstellar tag!
TOM SERVO: You know, "Demora" think about it, "Demora" realize how lame this
strategy is....
MIKE & CROW: [groans]

> One lucky shot hit a warbird, sending it up in flames.

MIKE: Of course the flames died VERY quickly because there's no air in space,
but what the hey....

> Then out
>again, Demora sent her ships.

TOM SERVO: Oy... out again, she sent her ships...

> Off to Essex, six warbirds following, she
>sped. A half a dozen warbirds followed, nipping at her heels.

CROW: With Jack Frost nipping at her nose.

> A
>convincing show of attempted evasion was given, as they lep across the
>old Nuetral Zone.

MIKE: Yup, the good old Neutral Zone. They just don't make 'em like that
anymore....
TOM SERVO: [edges over to Mike] We've gotta go, guys....

[Mike picks up Tom and they all exit the theater.]


[..1..]
[..2..]
[..3..]
[..4..]
[..5..]
[..6..]


[Continued in Part 5]