[MSTied] SAILOR MOON: Past, Present, and Future [3/9]
Tv's Weretorgo
MIKE: Hey, what happened to the broken fourth wall?
CROW: Well, which would you rather hear: logic or fact?
MIKE: How about both?
CROW: Logic: There is no fourth wall in the theater. Fact: WereTorgo decided
that if we had to break the fourth wall throughout this segment... [realizes
that he just broke the fourth wall] D'OH!
>
>
> "Darien its not fair I do not want to have to study more. I hate study"
CROW: [erupting] THEN MURDER HIM IN THE BALLROOM, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!
> said Serena.
>
> " Don't worry about it. Studding can never hurt you
SERVO: Mike, pay *close* attention.
MIKE: [offended] HEY!
> and if your going to
> be queen some day knowing some of those things might come in handy.Besides
> if she gives you extra work I'll help you get it done and we can go on some
> study dates."said Darien.
MIKE: [as Serena, out of nowhere] Lord, I really hate you, Darien.
>
> " I guess that sounds like fun. Oh can you come over tomorrow for dinner
> and meet my parents"asked Serena
CROW: [as Serena] After all, we *have* been making love for the past three
years.
>
> " You bet I'd love to for you" said Darien as he leaned in and gave her a
> quick kiss on the cheek
MIKE: The sneaky little devil.
>
> *********************************************************************The
> soil rumbled and started to split open deep within the forest. A man with a
> ghost white face stood up.He grinned evilly
SERVO: [as Grandpa Mushroom] Ivanushka!
> " So this is Tokyo City at
> night. This has been my feeding ground. It feels good to be in sound mind
CROW: [as man] If only I *had* a mind.
> again but I have work to do. If I want to turn the only planet with tons of
> life on it I need all those planet stones and to get them will take a lot
> of time. I hope their are enough people to kill for blood so I can live
> long enough to see earth die.
SERVO: So. He comes to the "only" planet with life, and rather than start a
colony of his own, he decides to kill everyone and everything? Gee, wonder how
many times *he* flunked cram school?
> I wonder if my worst enemies are here the moon
> princess must surly be alive again by now.
MIKE: [as the man] I wonder why I'm thinking aloud?
> I'll take care of her,her prince
> and those 4 scouts easy. In a way I'm glad the other scouts never made it
> to earth now I can kill it and go down in the history of vampires as the
> one to kill earth alone.HA HA HA HA HA HA HA."said a raspy voice.
CROW: It's Krankor!
>
> *****************************************************************
SERVO: We feel that the previous scene was *so* intense and scary, the audience
*must* be given a cutaway to regain their breath.
>
> " I'm home mom" said Serena.
MIKE: Great, now the *really* uninteresting parts.
>
> " hi dear your teacher called and I think the girl she found to help you
> study will be great. She'll be by sometime tomorrow" said Mrs Tsunkino.
>
> " Okay . Darien said he could come for dinner tomorrow now he can meet my
> toter."said Serena
CROW: I smell a breakup!
>
> *********************************************************************
> The next day after a long day of school Serena was bouncing around the
> kitchen trying to make things perfect for Darien."Mom don't make the
> chicken to spicy I do not want Darien to choke."she said
MIKE: [as mother] Damn, she figured out my plan.
>
> "Calm down Serena everything will be fine just go and watch TV until
> Darien or your touter get here." said her mom
SERVO: Is this a fourth-generation translation?
>
> " Okay sighed Serena
>
> Just then the doorbell rang. Sammy came down to answer it but Serena
> pushed him aside
CROW: [as Sammy] GAGGH! My liver!
> and opened the door. "Hi muffin"she said.
>
> "Oh brother thought Sammy
MIKE: [as Sammy] I wish Darien loved *me.*
>
> "hi Serena am i on time?"asked Darien.
>
> " Yap and don't worry my dad won't be on your case he's working late and
> won't be home for dinner" said Serena.
CROW: Little does she know that it's her dad, in a short skirt, that is going to
tutor her!
MIKE: Gaggh!
>
> "Hello? The door was open I'm here for my interview is this the
> Tsunkino's house?" asked a girl
>
> "Yes, why?" asked Serena
SERVO: Serena. Put two and two together: [deliberately] Tutor... Person...
>
> " Good I'm new in town and i thought I totally lost my way. Anyway, Hi
> I'm your touter Janet."said the girl
>
> " Mom the girls you want to touter me is here yelled Serena.
CROW: I think your contact lens is on backwards, Serena... there can be only one
Janet.
>
> " Hello darien, Hi you must be.. oh my I don't seem to remember your
> name" said Mrs. Tsunkino.
>
> "I'm Janet"
MIKE: [as Mrs. Tsunkino] Then, "dammit, Janet."
>
> " Come in the living room so we can talk .Kids you finish supper."said
> Mrs. Tsunkino.
>
> Okay
> ****************************************************************
SERVO: [as Janice] "Okay. Now, stars. Then, dialogue. Okay."
> " Now dear what subjects can you toter and how much do you charge an
> hour"asked Mrs. Tsunkino
>
> " I can toter any subject grade 9 and under, I charge $5 an hour per
> subject and if your kid fails the subject you get a full refund on that
> subject."said Janet
>
> " That seems fair. My daughter really needs help so can you start
> tomorrow?"asked Mrs Tsunkino
>
> You bet, I can't wait.Well I'll let you enjoy your dinner bye."said
Janet.
MIKE: [sacastically] Man, without Janet this story would just have no *point.*
>
> 'She does not seem that bad thought Serena
>
> *********************************************************************
> "This cave is perfect for my hide out until I get enough strength to live
> in the death gate there any living being who comes after me will die within
> an hour.Deathshade come here drain energy from people not enough to draw in
> the press just enough for the death gate we have all eternity to kill."
> said the voice.
SERVO: Can you repeat that?
>
> Yes Master I will do as you say said deathshade
CROW: Well, at least *someone* understands this dialogue.
>
> ***********************************************************
> Janet was going home when she saw a cat covered in blood near her house
MIKE: [as Janet] I knew I forgot to bring *something* to school.
> "
> oh you poor thing" she said as able ran to it" its a cat,come on kitty hang
> on I'll clean you up"
SERVO: Agh, she's going to tongue the blood off!
[all scream]
>
> She ran into her house and started to wash the blood off" Hey your a
> pretty shade of grey. Whats that mark on your forehead, a crescent moon.
> How pretty if mom says I can keep you your name will have to have something
> to do with the moon, 'okay"said Janet
CROW: [as cat, meowing] Not at all! Get me out of here! First someone implants a
stupid stone in my head, now *this!*
>
> "meow" said the cat
>
> "Good you'll be okay" said Janet "I'll get you some milk be right back"
SERVO: On the bright side, they seem to possess equal knowledge of the English
language.
>
> " where am I , who is this girl Crystal said to find the other scouts for
> he will soon be awake.Who's he and how will I ever find the scouts" Said
> the Kitten
MIKE: Oh, *great.* Now someone is going to have to *answer* it.
>
> " Gee the neighbours have the TV on loud some show on scouts anyway heres
> your milk" said Janet
>
> "thanks' said the kitten
CROW: [as cat, to Janet, sarcastic] Thanks for answering all my questions
already, dickweed.
>
> " did you just talk"said Janet.The kitten blinked. "guess not I must be
> imaging things.Here's your milk I talked to my mom and she said I can keep
> you. It will be nice to have a friend here. I came from a place called
> Canada. I didn't have any friends their ether.I was always the freak.I only
> moved here because my mom is marring some rich guy. He has a girl my age
> mom says oh you'll just be the bestest of the best friends. I never had a
> true friend what should be different about here.I have a feeling things
> will be different but I miss my dad and the only kid who was ever nice to
> me David.But no I can't stay where I'm used to it I get dragged half way
> around the world to start a new family with people I don' know. Its' not
> fair.
[stunned silence]
SERVO: I am in total awe. That was the most fragmented, choppy, poorly edited
line of dialogue EVER!
CROW: I think I underestimated the badness of this story.
MIKE: I'm scared. I'm very scared.
CROW: Well... would it be safe to say that things only go up from here?
SERVO: Signs point to "no."
>
> Janet started to cry' poor girl she thinks no cares or thinks she's nice
> but I do I should tell her, but I can only talk to the scouts should I
> disobey orders' thought the cat.
CROW: [sarcastic] You know, the absence of backstory just *heightens* the plot
tension.
SERVO: [after a quick thought] But... there's no plot!
CROW: Exactly.
>
>
> "come on sniffed Janet lets get you a bowl and some other cat things" as
> she lifted up the cat.
>
> go to part 4
> *********************************************************************
>
>
> "Serena dinner was great, tell your mom thanks again okay" said Darien as
> they walked down the road.
CROW: [as Serena] I would, but she *was* dinner.
> "Sure but you should be tying to make daddy like you not mom."
[all laugh at the double entendre]
SERVO: [as Serena] Daddy's even told me that he wouldn't mind making you.
>
> "ENERGY. give deathshade energy"
> "Oh no Darien a monster" said Serena.
MIKE: [sarcastic] Oh, look at her emote.
>
> "Quick call the others and transform" said Darien
>
> "Guys we got a monster outside the pet shop get down here right away"
> said Serena
CROW: [as others] Oh, we happened to hear you say that across town. Here we are.
>
> "Moon Crystal Power" yelled Serena as she turned into Sailor Moon
>
> " Sailor Moon whats the problem said Mars
>
> "That said Sailor moon pointing to the monsters that was covered in Arms
> and slime.
MIKE: [sarcastic] Oh, I can see how they would miss that.
>
> Mercury Bubbles blast"
>
> "Foggy very foggy but i can still see you "said deathshade as he extended
> his arms trapping the scouts and Tuxedo Mask.
>
> "Artemis they have no hope their is no one free and we can't bet that
> thing"said Luna
SERVO: [as Luna] Because if we did then they'd probably fold!
>
> *******************************************************************
CROW: Oh. We'll leave our heroes right there, and move on to some *other* scene.
>
> "That will be $24 "said the Sales girl.
>
> " thanks" said Janet
>
> ' it sure is foggy thought the cat
> "Come on kitty lets go fog is not dangerous there was tons of it where I
> used to live." said Janet
MIKE: [as Janet] I used to live with Cheech Marin!
>
> Janet walked out the door and saw deathshade and his six captives do not
> think this is a movie seen'
SERVO: Because in the movies, we could *see* the incredible dullness of it all.
CROW: Heh, Janet, don't worry about anyone confusing *this* with a movie... save
for Invasion of the Neptune Men!
> "hey leave them alone"
>
> Deathshade turned as did the scouts" run " they yelled but Janet didn't
MIKE: She was too busy being a damsel in distress!
>
> "deathshade no scared of girl and he threw an energy bean and hit the
> door way above her.
CROW: [as Deathshade, dumb tone] And then he turn around and say "what is I
doing reading my stage directions?"
>
>
>
> A cloud of dust went up."hey you okay kitty"
> Janet said rubbing her head.
SERVO: [as Janet] If I rub really hard, maybe a genie will pop out!
MIKE: On that line, let's leave.
[exeunt]
[they get up and leave.]
[1...2...3...4...5...6... SOL]
[SOL. The deck is crammed full of people, all milling about aimlessly. Most of
them are very, how shall we say, eccentric. One is off in a corner banging his
head into a wall, humming the old Juicy Fruit jingle. Another is shaking hands
with everyone, compulsively. A few Hare Krishnas, one or two hippies, etc.]
MIKE: [elbowing aside the eccentrics] What in the world is going on here?
[CROW pops up from among the eccentrics]
CROW: Well well well, looks like we have company... [calling offscreen] SERVO!
Some people from the other side of the missing fourth wall are here!
[an eccentric, looking like, for lack of a better description, (and, hey, since
the fourth wall is broken, I can freely say that it is also due to author's
laziness) an "odd amalgam of Hank Hill, Kramer, Shaggy and Wolverine." comes up
and shakes Mike's hand.]
ODDITY1: [to MIKE] I'm a pepper.
MIKE: [uneasy] That's... nice...
ODDITY1: [shaking CROW's hand] You're a pepper.
CROW: [offended] Is that an insult!?
[SERVO pops up from amongst the eccentrics, to be grabbed by ODDITY1]
ODDITY1: [shaking SERVO by the head] Wouldn't you like to be a pepper, too?
SERVO: [not the least discomforted] Sure!
ODDITY1: Today is a fine day... for SCIENCE!
[ODDITY1 fades into the crowd. Almost on cue, ODDITY2 pops up. He is humming "I
am the Walrus," occasionaly breaking into a few "koo koo kachoob"'s. Average in
build, slightly Irish in looks - red hair, green eyes, etc.]
MIKE: Look at these psychos!
CROW: Huh?
[ODDITY2 smiles at MIKE in an easygoing sort of way, as if to say, "hi!"]
MIKE: *This* goof, for instance. Hey, mister, who do you think you are, Kurt
Cobain? Oh, [sarcastic] that's a REAL enigmatic smile! So, come on, sing "Molly
Malone!" I dare you!
ODDITY2: [who has been smiling up to the last, suddenly loses it] OH, SMEGGIN'
HELL! [he winds up and decks MIKE, who bounces off another freak and comes back
to a standing position. ODDITY2 storms off.]
MIKE: [rubbing eye] Ouch...
[ODDITY3 stumbles into focus. A heavyset young fellow, about 18, he is the sort
whom one expects used to be pushed around a bit. The sort who is easily smart
enough to pass the class, but too bored and elsewhere to apply himself.]
ODDITY3: Anyone in the mood for a game of Battle Cattle?
[MIKE stares at ODDITY3 as if he was Divine in a miniskirt.]
ODDITY3: Shadowrun?
[blank stare from MIKE]
ODDITY3: I'm not even going to *ask* about AD&D.
MIKE: [softly, to CROW] Just look at *this* loony you brought in.
ODDITY3: [overhearing previous, very offended] Yeah, so I'm crazy. Deal with
it. [fades into the crowd.]
[ODDITY4 pops into view. A slim female, almost but not quite waifish. Looks
strangely like Beez.]
ODDITY4: Hello!
MIKE: [playing the "popular" kid talking to the school nerd] Yeah. Hi.
ODDITY4: So, how was your day?
MIKE: It was... fine... [becoming somewhat questioning of his previous opinion
towards ODDITY4]
ODDITY4: I'm glad to hear it.
MIKE: Listen. Do you have any strange quirks that I should know about?
ODDITY4: I don't quite follow...
MIKE: Well, everybody else thus far has been a complete weirdo, so why should
*you* change things? Admit it - you voted for Reagan.
ODDITY4: No...
MIKE: You voted for Perot.
ODDITY4: I've never voted in my life.
MIKE: You've been seen in a motel with Clinton.
ODDITY4: Nope.
MIKE: You've sold your body, mind, or soul--
ODDITY4: Nope nope and nope. I've just an average, everyday girl...
CROW: [popping into the conversation] Except for the fact that you could make
the cover of the infamous Swimsuit edition of Sports Illustrated.
ODDITY4: [to CROW] Really? Thanks!
MIKE: So there's nothing odd about you?
ODDITY4: Well...
MIKE: Yes?
ODDITY4: ...I kinda...
MIKE: Yes?
ODDITY4: ...like... Pork.
MIKE: [speechless] GAGGH! Well... umm... [he is uncomfortable. Obviously, for
some reason, this means scandel to her. He doesn't know where to go, or what to
say, and her charms are causing him even more "teenage boy" stuttering and
discomfort.]
SERVO: [to MIKE] I'll save your bacon. [to Camera] We'll be right back.
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