[MiSTied] FX Down to Mobius (2/4)

[Matthew Miller]

[ ALL file into theater ]

> "FX DOWN TO MOBIUS"

TOM: FX Down to Mobius City, where the grass is green and the girls
are pretty.

>
> By G. T. Ettinger III

JOEL: Fanfic writer and international mutual fund portfolio advisor.

>
> Sonic the Hedgehog and all other related characters are copyrighted
> property of Service and Games (SEGA),

JOEL: I didn't know Sega stood for anything.
CROW: Oh, yeah, like they strongly support oxygen and lemonade and
toothpicks and stuff.

> Archie Comic Publications and/or
> DiC productions.

TOM: We don't know either.

>
> Note From the Author: I am a new STH FanFic writer and I would like to
> know the opinion of my readers.

CROW: We'll do our best.
TOM: Mind you, getting to us is a pretty good indicator.

> I'm not sure if I stink or not,

JOEL: I sometimes wonder if Shakespeare ever wondered if he stank.
TOM: He did live three hundred years before soap was popular, Joel.
JOEL: True.

> so
> please E-mail me at etti...@tir.com. Please do not judge my story

CROW: Just give me your opinion on it.

> as dumb and "Non-Sonic" because of the beginning.

TOM: Wait until the end to hate it.

> Sonic will appear
> in this story, but only near the end.

JOEL: And we'll be giving a prize to the first person who spots him,
so have your note cards ready.

> This story mainly introduces
> a new character.

CROW: Because nobody likes the old characters.

> To other FanFic writers: This story introduces a
> new character

TOM: You know, I'd heard that.

> and, if you ask me, you may use him as you wish in your
> own stories.

CROW: As a teddy bear.

> If you do use him, PLEASE do not, I repeat, do NOT
> change him, kill him or cripple him.

JOEL: Make sure there isn't a smidgen of character development.

> The Story May Begin:

TOM: Oh, *may* it?

>
> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Sitting at his comm post, Fred (or "Freddy" as he preferred to be
> called) the Ferret leaned back in his chair with his standard laziness,
> which some could consider "impolite."

CROW: Others would consider it "vermicelli."

> But, he had an excuse for his
> boredom this time,

TOM: Because he read the fanfic ahead of time.

> because Ferretara, his planet,

CROW, TOM: [ Snicker ]
JOEL: Some folks never recover from the ThunderCats.

> had not received a
> single message in months.

CROW: A planet full of people, and not one of them has a friend?

> The recent decrease in comm activity had
> forced him to take a strong dislike to his job.

JOEL: Man, being paid for doing nothing all day is crummy, huh?

> But, better a bad
> job than no job at all, he always said.

CROW: Over and over and over again.

> He was so immersed in his
> daydreaming that he didn't notice his girlfriend Elizabeth come up
> behind him.
> "How's the job going?" she asked, causing Freddy to fall off
> his chair.

TOM: Aaaah!
JOEL: Don't *do* that, Radar!

> "Huh? Oh, yeah, my job...Well, you know, same as usual..." he
> said, slowly trailing off.

TOM: "I have no idea what I'm doing."

> "That bad, eh?" she said, rolling her eyes. Freddy attempted
> to crack a grin, but noticeably failed. Liz's grin grew even wider,

CROW: Ha-ha!
JOEL: Stuff is funny!

> and wider still as she watched Freddy try and get back into his chair
> while in a dazed state.

TOM: Our hero, ladies and gentlemen.

> "I gave him quite a scare this time....as if
> it wasn't easy to tell...." she murmured to herself.

CROW: Why?

> Freddy, who had
> finally gotten back into his chair,

JOEL: [ As Freddy ] "I, uh, forgot how to work the chair."

> caught a few of her words and was
> about ask her what she had said, when his comm line beeped.

CROW: [ As Freddy ] "Oh! I had the silly comm thing on 'mute'!"
TOM: Moot?
CROW: Maybe.

> "A message? Wow. I never dreamt it possible. We haven't had any
> messages for only TWO MONTHS!!!" Freddy said, annoyed.

TOM: So he's bored when there's nothing to do, and now that there's
something to do, he's upset about it.

> "Just answer it, you piece of cheese!" Liz quickly snapped.

JOEL: Insults fresh from First Grade to your fanfic.

> "Okay, okay. Geez...if only she were the comm operator...she'd
> be annoyed too, I'd bet. If only....." Freddy replied, twice as annoyed
> as he was at first.

CROW: He's got something of a temper problem, doesn't he?

> "Hello? This is Ferretara comm station 303. Calling 205, over."

JOEL: Bingo. Over.

> Said the voice on the other side. Freddy sighed, picked up the mike
> and sent out the reply.

TOM: Okay, how about Petaluma?

> "Comm station 205 here, 303. What's going on?"
> he asked the other station.

CROW: "Oh, did we call Comm Station 205? We meant to call 'Com Station
Friendless Loser Ferret Planet.'"
JOEL: You be nice, Crow.

> "We're detecting meteorite activity in your area! Check your
> scanners!"

JOEL: Watch the skies!

> Sure enough, a strange rock had crashed into the ground
> nearby.
> "I'll go see if I can retrieve any pieces of that thing.

CROW: Yeah, there's a *chance* there won't be weird radioactive goop
that turns you into an evil pod-clone-zombie-killer that has to
be subdued by a couple branches of the armed forces in that meteorite.

> Those
> guys at the Ferretropolis Labs might like to get their hands on a
> meteorite,

TOM: "I'll just throw it through their window at 4 a.m., then run
away real fast."

> seeing as most of em are smashed in the asteroid field,"
> Freddy said.

JOEL: Huh?

> Freddy jumped into a hovercar and went to the crash site,

CROW: Actually, he crashed the car into the com panel. The goof.

> 3 miles
> away. He waved his hand around the meteorite.

TOM: [ As Freddy ] "Huh...labelled 'Chunk of Deep 13'...wonder what
that means."

> Strangely, it wasn't
> giving off any heat.

CROW: Instead it gave out coupons to a new bar downtown.

> He quickly grabbed a piece of the rock and jumped
> into the car. It didn't start. "Shoot. This rock put the engine on
> the fritz."

JOEL: You have to turn the key first.

> he said to himself. He got out and ran towards the
> Ferretropolis Laboratory with the rock.

TOM: Shame he didn't have a cell phone.
JOEL: Even if he did, he's the one who's supposed to watch the comm.
TOM: Oh yeah.

> But there was mine between
> him and the lab.

CROW: Mine what?
JOEL: What's mine is mine.

> A NegaGem mine. NegaGems were a source of power.
> Not magical or anything,

TOM: Really! No! Not at all! Just when it advances the plot.

> just full of power and radiation. Forgetting
> either it's existence or it's location, he tripped and fell in.

CROW: [ Snickers ]
TOM: This is a refreshing change.
JOEL: Freddy's one of the least competent protagonists we've had
in a long while.

> Inside, the energies in the meteorite and the gems mixed into him
> and did something amazing....

JOEL: They let him get through two paragraphs without tripping, falling,
stumbling, or breaking something?

> Freddy came to after a few hours. He was still in the mine.

TOM: I don't mean to gripe, but wouldn't a mine for something as
vaguely powerful as these NegaGems be marked or guarded or
something?

> "Hmm......" he began to speculate what had happened, "I must have
> fallen into the mine, hit my head, and conked out.

CROW: You were there when it happened, Freddy.

> Oh my gosh!!!
> Look at the time!!! I should have been back to my post hours ago!!!

TOM: Now, see, I personally would worry about being stuck in a
mine, injured, out of contact, with no one aware of
his current location.

> Man, am I in deep sludge now...."
> He ran to his hovercar and hopped in.

JOEL: So...this mine was, like, one foot deep?

> He couldn't get it to
> start. "Oh yeah," he said to himself, "The meteorite conked out the
> pulse drive

CROW: Maybe he just left the headlights on.

> .....Oh no!!! Where _is_ the meteorite?

TOM: Just think of the last place you'd look for it and start there.

> Too late to look
> for it now.....I gotta get back to my post!"

CROW: Yeah, a second call might come in any month now.

> As he ran toward the
> city, he noticed that it had started to rain.

JOEL: Then suddenly he noticed he was in a completely different
fanfic from the one he started in.

> He kept running. All
> of the sudden, he started to feel strange.

TOM: All of the sudden?

> "What the......Augh!!!!" He began to float into the air.

CROW: Actually, the ground just sank underneath him.
TOM: Neat.

> His
> hands began to glow with blue light. "Wha-what s happening to me?"
> he stammered.

JOEL: I'm...being drawn with an editor's pencil!

> Suddenly, the energy in him burst out of his hands,

TOM: But since it was all potential energy, nobody noticed it.

> circled him, and then crashed into him.

CROW: He just knocked himself out, didn't he?
JOEL: This guy can't get a break.

> He was glowing all over,
> and a yellow streak masked his eyes.

TOM: I--I can't see! I can't see!
JOEL: The world looks like mustard!

> He slowly was lowered to the
> ground. After checking himself over, he stammered out a single word:
> "Coooool....."

CROW: I have to give him that.
JOEL: Yeah, me too.
TOM: Yeah, that is pretty cool.

> He thought of something. "Maybe the NegaGems and that Meteorite
> charged me with power....

TOM: Maybe he shouldn't try to figure it out right now.

> I wonder why this happened to me right now,
> then, why not while I was in the mine.....Wait, of course!!" He
> snapped his fingers.

JOEL: The gardener is *left-handed*, so Lord Buttons couldn't possibly
have been the murderer!

> "NegaGems are most powerful underwater be cause
> of the hydrogen and oxygen content!

CROW: What?
TOM: Huh?

> Since it was raining, I was
> exposed to water!!!

JOEL: Yeah, but you lost the meteorite before it rained.
CROW: Maybe he accidentally swallowed it or it rained while he was
unconscious or something.
JOEL: Okay, maybe.

> That's what happened!!! What does the hydrogen do,
> then?"

TOM: Fred. It explodes violently. Don't mess with it.

> He decided to find out. He closed his eyes and concentrated.

CROW: On what?

> His hands began to glow. Then, all of the sudden, a small fireball
> came out of his hand, torching a small sapling.

TOM: So...he's setting fire by using water, right?
JOEL: Have to wonder if NASA's explored this little quirk of water.

> Thanks to the heavy
> downpour, the sapling didn't stay on fire for very long. "What does
> the oxygen do?" he concentrated once again.

CROW: Boost flammability to the extent that instant death arises
from almost any minor spark?

> He began to feel wind
> going through his fur. He rose into the air. "This rocks!!! Now I can
> get back to my post in no time!!"

JOEL: His first impulse on achieving the dream of unaided flight
is to use it to shorten his commute time?

>
> He flew back to the comm station. Before going in, he managed to
> figure out a way to "power down."

CROW: You know, I hear this story was written in a single draft.
JOEL: No!
CROW: Yeah, no revisions or anything.
TOM: You don't say.

> He met Liz inside. "Where have you
> been?" she demanded.
> "It's a long story." He replied.
> "Well here's a bigger story."

JOEL: Then she handed him a Mitchner novel.

> she said, "Planet Phero has declared
> war on us........"

TOM: Phero, home planet of iron and magnetism.

> "What do you mean, 'they've declared war on us'?" He yelped.
> "Just what it sounds like, duh!" She replied.
> "But why? Why declare war on us? What did we do?"

CROW: Their official declaration mentioned something about Ferretara
being "just plain goofy."

> Freddy said.
> He gulped after finishing his sentence.

TOM: He can't swallow the story either.
JOEL: C'mon, both of you play nice now.

> "How should I know? One minute that weird Pheorian comm operator
> asks to see our superior, Regg Donner,

CROW: I mention his name in case you forgot who your boss is.

> and the next minute the Superior
> is telling us not to panic!" she explained. "Anyway, where have you
> been?

TOM: Gee, you'd think with the war and all, where he's been wouldn't be
that important.

> You were gone hours! That rock couldn't have been THAT heavy!"

JOEL: Yeah, the people at the lab wouldn't be talking with him, or
asking about the area where it was found, or anything.

> Freddy briefly told her what had happened, but it was clear that
> she didn't believe him. "You have got to get a better excuse than that!
> What REALLY happened?" She asked again.

TOM: Only the next time she asked, she said, "Who wrote the story
'Blue Men of Yrano'?"

> "You don't believe me? Get me a glass of water and I'll prove it!"
> He said.

JOEL: He'll instantly tell you whether it's half full or half empty!

> "Water? What kind of fool do you take me for??? I have never felt
> this INSULTED!!!!!" she screamed, then turned away.

CROW: Lucky he didn't ask for Mountain Dew.

> "Okay, I'll get it." He walked off, then came back after a few
> minutes.

TOM: "I'm lost."

> "Okay, now watch this!" She watched him pour the water onto
> his hands.

CROW: And now he's going to make some bread dough! Nothing can stop
him!

> "I'm waiiitti--What the heck.......?!" Freddy hands had begun to
> glow. "Man alive, what's going on???!!!" she stammered.
> Freddy's eyes began to glow until light was blasting out his eyes.

JOEL: The war and the meteorite weren't enough, now he's swallowed
a flashlight!

> The glowing had stopped, and Freddy could be seen with an almost evil
> grin on his face. "Whoa, proved ME wrong!" she stammered.

TOM: Freddy, you've mastered the ability to...uh...what, again?

> "By the way," Freddy began, "What on Ferretara is a man? Whatever
> it is, it sure sounds like something dumb."

CROW: Which makes it different...oh, forget it. I don't have the heart.

> Liz replied, "I dunno, I just heard it somewhere. Anyway, the
> Government needs recruits for the new army,

JOEL: 'Cause we noticed how many doofuses were in the established army.

> the FDAF, short for
> Ferretara Defense and Attack Force.

TOM: And she told us the acronym because...?
JOEL: At least the story's written to Associated Press stylebook
standards.

> They could really use you, what
> with your powers and all."
> "I don't know..." He replied slowly, "Do you plan to sign up?

CROW: At least for the walleyball special forces unit?

> You're not a bad fighter yourself."
> She thought for a minute. "I guess I'll sign up if you do."

TOM: Are we going to have study hall the same period?

> "Well then," he said, "it seems to be settled. Where do we
> sign up?"

JOEL: Freddy is taking all of this rather nonchalantly, actually.
CROW: Yeah, I mean, his day...first activity on the job in two months,
gaining superpowers, planet going to war, joining the army...
he's acting like all he got was a notice his bank was issuing new
checks to all its account holders.

> Liz went over to a CPU terminal and typed a few keys. "According
> to this, it's at Comm Station 118 from 14:00 to 16:00...uh oh."
> "What?" he asked.

TOM: The clock only goes up to 12:00.

> "Comm station 118 is pretty far away. Even
> taking a HyperPortal couldn't get us there in time."

CROW: So, to repel an alien invasion, they're making an army, but
they've got only one recruiting station, and it's only going
to be open for two hours for the whole war?

> HyperPortals took
> them to any different area in Ferretropolis in a split second. The
> problem was that there were so many Comm Stations in Ferretropolis
> that they couldn't have a portal near each one.

TOM: They have a jillion comm stations that see *no* activity for
months on end; but they have instantaneous transportation, but
don't build up lots of the portal stations. Is anyone in charge
of this planet?

> "Oh no!" Freddy cried.
> "It's already 15:15! We can't make- waitaminute!"
> "What is it?" asked Liz.

JOEL: If we can combine the great tastes of lemon and lyme in one
liquid, we can make a fantastic iced tea flavoring!

> "I can fly us there!" Freddy explained, "If I go fast enough, we
> can just make it! If we can't make it,

TOM: We'll hide out in Canada!

> then we get stuck as civilians
> on the Middle Planet." The Middle Planet was a small planet that was
> between Ferretara and Phero

CROW: So the planets in their solar system are thumbtacked in place?

> that was too far away from Phero for them
> to scan it and know that it's there, but close enough to Ferretara for
> the Ferretarans to find it.

JOEL: They kept it in their third drawer, next to their woolly sweaters.
TOM: Wait, wait. The Middle Planet is between Ferretara and Phero, and
Phero can detect Ferretara, but can't detect the Middle Planet?
CROW: That's about the size of it.

> After landing on it, they set up a large
> Holo-Emitter and Deflector Shield generator. That way, the planet was
> invisible and had an atmospheric shield in case of an attack.

TOM: Yeah, you wouldn't want those things on your *inhabited*
planet.

> After about a half-hour, they arrived at the station with 15
> minutes to spare.

CROW: This story's time-coded so you know it's fresh.

> "Whew," Freddy began as he wiped his forehead,
> "I was afraid we wouldn't make it and be sent to the Middle Planet.

JOEL: So...in times of war, they abandon their entire economy,
infrastructure, and cultural base?

> I went there once, and it was BORING!". They got in the back of line,
> which, unsurprisingly, wasn't a very long one.

TOM: So they're going to have an army of about ten people?

> "You've been to the Middle Planet?", asked Liz.
> "Yeah, a few years ago on one of my Dad's scientific trips. He
> was going to meet the head engineer to discuss the matter of an
> atmospheric shield setup." He replied.

CROW: [ As Liz ] You had a Dad?
JOEL: [ As Freddy ] Yeah, a few years ago on one of my planets'
atmospheric tests.

> After a few more minutes, it was their turn to sign up.

TOM: And they found out they were in the line for getting drivers'
licenses and boy did *they* feel like goofs.

> "Okay,
> next." said the fat white ferret behind the counter in a rather grumpy
> voice.

JOEL: So very grumpy.
CROW: He just misses his mommy.

> "Type yer name here," he said, pointing to a small compad
> computer.

TOM: Awfully loose entry requirements for their army.

> Freddy signed his name as "FX," which was a childhood
> nickname that some old friends liked calling him because as a child,
> he was good at making weird sound effects with his computerized sound
> editor.

CROW: This planet is going to hand out weapons to all its A/V geeks?
JOEL: Inside of two weeks, individual acts of revenge would see every
junior high school in the world blown up.

> After all, in the Ferretaran army, you could have a codename
> if you wanted.

TOM: They're thoughtful that way.

> Liz wrote her name (Liz was proud of her name, so she
> didn't really want a codename), then they were taken to the test area

JOEL: "Uh, sir, we were told that in the new Army there wouldn't be
word problems."

> where they had to prove their usefulness to the army with a ProtoLaser
> rifle and a diamantium cube.

CROW: Diamantium?
TOM: This reads like one of those alternate histories the Star Trek
characters keep falling into.

> Diamantium was a rare substance found
> only on the Middle Planet that was able to take many ProtoLaser shots
> without being damaged.

JOEL: It shared this wonderful property with magazine subscription cards.

> Liz went first, making a small gray circle
> near the center of the target on the large cube with a well-placed
> ProtoLaser blast.

TOM: So you can only join the Army if you're already Army-trained.
JOEL: Looks like.

> "Okay, you're in, Miss...," the fat ferret looked
> at the compad, "Liz."
> When Freddy's turn came, he decided to test his fireball powers.

CROW: I guess they didn't have a 'miscellaneous' line on the recruitment
form.

> He still had a little charge from the glass of water he dumped on his
> hands earlier and began to charge his hands.

JOEL: Revenge of the Puttermans.

> As Freddy's hands began
> to glow, the fat ferret (who still hadn't given his name) wondered
> what he was up to.

TOM: [ As the recruiting officer ] "Aw, not *another* guy who got hit
by a meteor and developed weird powers."

> Freddy unleashed three small fireballs, making a
> small crater in the Diamantium.

CROW: "Hey! We were saving that!"

> The check-in ferret gaped at Freddy,
> and finally said, "You're definitely in.

JOEL: Seeing as how you're a freak and all.

> I suggest that you check in
> with the general before you go down to the base.

TOM: He's the only one who knows where the base is.

> He's in that Shuttle
> over there.", he said, pointing to a small shuttle that had landed a
> few blocks away.

CROW: Why, there's a shuttle over there.
TOM: Story promises, story delivers.

> As he left with Liz, the Check-in ferret turned to
> a Comm Radio and signaled the general.

JOEL: "Honey, how was your day?"

> "Hey Rob, some new recruit is
> comin' to see ya', and wait'll you see what he can do............"

CROW: Ooh, look, he's got a caterpillar in his sentence.

> Freddy rapped on the shuttle door. The door opened. A ferret
> in red uniform stepped out.

TOM: Why'd you wrap my door?

> "Oh yeah," he grunted, "You must be 'dat
> new recruit. Come on in."

JOEL: Dat danged ding dere duz diddly.

> They stepped into the shuttle. "I'll tell
> 'ya one thing, mac," the general spoke, "I'm not gonna waste my time
> talkin' to recruits who can't do squat.

CROW: But first things first. Are you wearing any socks I can steal?

> This trick of yours had
> better be REAL good."

TOM: [ As Freddy ] Well, I saw David Blaine do this one once, how
hard can it be?

> Freddy knew how much hydrogen and oxygen was in just a teaspoon
> of water,

CROW: And he wasn't encumbered by any considerations for the principles
of chemistry or physics...

> so he was pretty sure that he had enough charge to blast a
> few fireballs. Although, shooting fireballs inside the generals'
> private shuttle was, of course, not a good idea.

JOEL: But it'd be cool, so he did it anyway.

> He flared up his
> hands so that small fireballs circled his arms.

TOM: "Uh...help me? I'm on fire here...no, really, I mean..."

> The general gaped. "How in the heck are you doing that???" the
> general stammered.

JOEL: "The best I can do is make little balls of milk duds circle my
head!"

> "It's a long story." Freddy replied.

CROW: And I should start off my military career by needlessly
antagonizing any potential future commanding officers.

> "But anyway, what now? I'm
> surely more useful than any ensign."

TOM: I can do parlor tricks; therefore military discipline and training
are inapplicable.

> The general thought for a minute. "Well pal, I guess that I could
> let you start as a Trained Lieutenant."

JOEL: Ensigns, Lieutenants, and Generals, in one Army.

> Freddy pondered on this and then asked the general a question,
> "What about my friend, Liz? She's pretty experienced

TOM: [ As General ] "I know...erp, I mean..."

> as a fighter."

TOM: [ As General ] "Yeah, that's what I meant."

> The general thought about it for a minute. "Yeah, I guess she
> could.

CROW: Not that I've ever met her.

> But this is just a favor for you. We really think you could
> be useful." Liz and Freddy hi-fived.

ALL: [ Suddenly spotting Liz ] Aaaah!
JOEL: Don't *do* that, Radar!

> "Thanks, General..."
> The general cut in, "Rob. Call me Rob."

CROW: But your name's Dave.

> "Okay, thanks, Rob.
> Oh, and my name is Freddy, but you can call me FX."
> "FX?" Rob looked puzzled.

TOM: No, FX.

> "It's an old nickname. See ya!" He and Liz left the shuttle.
> "Let's get to the base.", Freddy said to Liz, "Then we can meet the
> rest of the squad." They headed off toward the base.

CROW: And they immediately get lost.

> When they got there, they were greeted by various black, white
> and brown ferrets

JOEL: And one very confused wombat.

> with their tails covered by cloth bands of a few
> different colors.

TOM: Not to mention the radio collars to track their migration patterns.

> When you wear a band on your tail, the color shows
> what job you have.

JOEL: So all you kids at home, put some ribbons on your tails...now!

> The more jobs, the more colored bands. The number
> of colored stripes showed the ferret's experience.

CROW: Somehow, Freddy manages to have a negative number of colored
stripes on his tail.

> They are mostly
> worn to look formal. Freddy had red, yellow, and blue bands that meant
> he had been an engineer, a scientist, then a comm officer.

TOM: Supplementary exposition provided by Stephen Ratliff.

> They were introduced to the members of the squad.

JOEL: Scooby, Shaggy, Freddy and Daphne, Velma, and the tough but
caring sargeant, played by William Bendix.

> Out of all
> of them, Freddy was most intrigued by Roger Rockner,

CROW: ...and the American Eagles Squadron!

> code-named
> "Rox." He was a scientist who, like Freddy, had strange powers
> given to him by the meteorite that had recently landed.

TOM: [ Giggling ] Lot of magic meteorites show up on Sonic fanfics.

> While
> experimenting with a piece of the rock that some other scientist
> had picked up for him, he accidentally triggered a small explosion

CROW: That killed him instantly.

> that gave him the ability to shape-shift.

JOEL: With concentration, he can transform himself into a toaster oven.

> Freddy knew this was
> going to be one heck of a good squad against Phero.

TOM: Maybe, but I'd still organize a second squad, sometime.
CROW: Two days later, the planet was destroyed.
JOEL: Oop, time for cookies, everybody.

[ ALL file out of theater ]

[ BREAK ]

===============