[MiSTied] 'Earn'Extra'Money'Working'at'Home'
Sylvan SilverNight
Let me know what you think and I'll see if I can't improve my form next time!
-David J Rust
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(Opening Credits - Mike/Pearl/Bots)
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(Scene: SOL Interior. CROW is reading the latest issue of TigerBot,
lying stretched out like a stereotypical teenager on their bed. His
beak is moving slightly as he mumbles the words as he reads the
articles. TOM rolls into the scene from stage left.)
TOM: Hey there, Crow! What's up?
CROW: (distracted and absently) Oh, just reading... (mumble-mumble)
TOM: Heeeeyyyyy! That's the new "TigerBot", isn't it?
CROW: Mmm-hmmm.
TOM: Well, can I read it after you? I hear there's a great interview
with Voyager's Doctor in it!
CROW: Eh, well... (he ponders, looking TOM up and down) Promise you
won't wrinkle it?
TOM: (bobbing up and down excitedly) Oh, I promise! I promise!
CROW: Well... (looking back down to the magazine) Ok, then... In a minute.
(A small chihuahua wearing a Che Guevara hat walks across the main
console from stage right to left, causing TOM to do a double-take.)
SFX: (in a Mexican accent as the dog goes past) Buenos Dias...
TOM: What th'...?
CROW: Tom, I said, "In a minute..."
TOM: (looking back and forth) But ... but...
CROW: Geez, Tom, don't be so pushy... (shouting) Mike! Tom's
bothering me!
MIKE: (from off-camera, shouting back) Leave Crow alone, Tom!
CROW: There; now wait your turn...
TOM: Uh, hold that thought...
(TOM zips off after the dog. Slow close-up on CROW as he continues to
read; commercial sign lights flash.)
CROW: (shouting again) Mike! We've got commercial sign!
MIKE: (from off-stage) Well, get it for me; someone left a pile of
burrito wrappings all around the airlock...
CROW: (sighing) I have to do everything around here. (He hits the
lights with his beak)
(----------go to commercial----------)
(----------back from commercial------)
(SOL Interior. The little chihuahua goes running by again with TOM and
CROW in hot pursuit.)
DOG: Ayyy! No me gusta!
TOM: Great! Now he's doing the Bumblebee Guy from "The Simpsons"!
CROW: Get him!
(The two bots go rampaging past. MIKE walks in, shaking his head.)
MIKE: Hello everyone... Seems like Tom and Crow have gotten themselves
a new friend and we've got ourselves a bonafide celebrity here on the
Satellite of Love! Now, normally, Pearl wouldn't allow visitors up here
unless they caused us pain, but so far the little fellah's completely friendly.
(Sounds of a scuffle ensue off-camera in the same direction that the
bots went after the dog. We hear TOM and CROW calling out in pain for a
few moments and then the come running on-camera, tattered and battered.)
CROW: Geez! What a jerk!
TOM: Yeah, I'm never touching another taco as long as I live!
MIKE: (incredulous) Crow... Tom... What happened to you guys?
TOM: (sighing) Sheesh, we got a rat-infestation Mike...
CROW: A nasty one, too!
MIKE: (reaching over and tightening CROW's jaw, which is loose) Yeah,
but what...?
TOM: Look Mike, that little mutt got the better of us, Ok?
CROW: Yeah! He lured us down a dark corridor and then jumped us from
behind... (in a lower voice) That little jerk...
MIKE: Lured you?
TOM: With Gorditas, Mike! Gorditas!
MIKE: (nodding) Ahhhh...
CROW: He must have known our weakness for those soft, fattening,
delicious Mexican foods. Darn his cleverness!
TOM: And then, in the dark -where no one to see him- he pounced!
CROW: Oh, it was a terrible fight, Mike! Claws and teeth everywhere!
TOM: But we beat him, Mike!
CROW: Yep, we sure did beat him! Heh.
MIKE: (looking a bit skeptical) Well, I suppose...
(The little chihuahua scampers on by heading past the bots and MIKE.)
DOG: Yo Quiero SOL...
(MIKE just nods with a half-smile on his face. TOM and CROW look at
each other for a moment and then in the direction of the little dog.)
TOM: AFTER HIM!!!!
CROW: YAAAAARRRRRRGH!
(They both go dashing off as the lights flash.)
MIKE: (Calling after TOM and CROW) Uh guys? Pearl's calling...
(Off-camera, we hear the sounds of a scuffle. MIKE shakes his head and
hits the button.)
(Interior: Castle Forrester. PEARL stands in the foreground, wearing a
Mae West-type saloon outfit, fanning herself daintily. In the
background we see a roulette wheel, a bingo board and a table with two
people standing at it playing blackjack. BOBO is the dealer, dressed
with a sun-shade and pinstripe vest.)
PEARL: Ahhhh... Nelstone. Nice to see you again. Brain Guy's out
trying to locate Hidorah for that little job I needed to get done so
Bobo and I are doing our part to raise the necessary cash...
BOBO: Ooh! The house breaks; you win again! (He pushes a pile of chips
across the table to the two happy gamblers.)
PEARL: (wincing) But, sadly, Bobo has no concept of cheating, so we're
-quite frankly- tapped out.
(SOL. Behind MIKE, TOM's body goes flying past with a yell. He crashes
off camera with a pained yell.)
MIKE: (looking after where TOM went) Uh, gee; that's too bad Pearl.
(Castle. BOBO and the gamblers are playing roulette now.)
BOBO: Round and round the wheel goes, where it stops, nobody knows!
PEARL: Tell me about it. At this rate we'll lose Castle Forrester to
the IRS inside of a week!
BOBO: Erp! Red! (happily) You win again...!
GAMBLERS: Yea!
(SOL. Behind MIKE, CROW's body goes sailing past with a yell.)
MIKE: Well, isn't there another way for you to get the money?
(Castle. The gamblers are shaking BOBO's hand and then they head off,
with handfuls of money.)
PEARL: Yeah, well I scanned some newsgroups and think I have a few
leads. I even got a few emails that promise tons of money for
little-to-no work... (She looks like she gets an idea and a slow smile
creeps over her face.) Say, Mike... Handsome, strong, Mike...
(BOBO walks up next to PEARL, looking happy.)
BOBO: Well, the money's all gone, Lawgiver! We sure made that couple, happy!
(PEARL elbows BOBO in the gut; BOBO doubles over, off-camera with an
"oof" of pain.)
(SOL.)
MIKE: (rolling his eyes) Come on, Pearl... Don't...
(Castle.)
PEARL: Please Mike? Just read through this one, unsolicited email I
got... Pwetty pwease? For Pearl? (She bats her eyes and puckers her lips.)
(SOL.)
MIKE: Yah! Ok! Ok! I'll do it... Shessh, just don't do *that* again!
(The bots walk up next to MIKE, in even worse shape than before.)
(Castle.)
PEARL: Great! Thanks! Listen, while I go and re-program Bobo, here,
you review the email and see if it's actually offering anything worth my
attention. Ok?
(She drags BOBO to his feet by the scruff of his neck.)
(SOL.)
CROW: Great. Not another Email!
TOM: Mike, you promised us!
MIKE: (spreading his arms helplessly) Yeah, but she did that eye-thing again...
TOM: That's no excuse, Mike!
CROW: Yeah, sheesh! You'd think that at least one of us around here
would have some self control...!
(The little chihuahua goes running by again; CROW starts after him, but
MIKE restrains him as the lights flash.)
MIKE: We have no time! (Calling out) Gypsy! Can you get this little
chihuahua-thing under control?
(GYPSY bobs on-camera, nodding)
GYPSY: Sure thing, Mike!
(As the bots and MIKE go off to the theater, GYPSY goes darting off
after the little dog.)
MIKE: We have Email sign!
CROW/TOM: Ahhhhhhh!
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> Subject: '''''Earn'Extra'Money'Working'at'Home'''''
TOM: Say, is he stuttering?
MIKE: He's probably just excited Tom.
CROW: Well, wouldn't *you* be excited if you could earn more money by
simply working at home?
MIKE: Uh, well, ... (looks around) ... not really.
CROW: (sighing) See Nelson? See?!! That's your problem! If you'd
just take a bit more pride in your work...
TOM: ...applied yourself...
CROW: ...Pearl might ... promote you!
MIKE: Promote me?
CROW: Yeah! To ... uh ... Chief ... uh ... Victim.
(silence for a few moments)
TOM: (piping up suddenly) And ... and think of the money, Mike!
MIKE: (thinking) Uh, I already don't get paid Tom.
TOM: Well, you *won't* with an attitude like *that*, buster!
MIKE: (sighs) Just read the posting, you two...
> Date: Sun, 17 Jan 99 15:26:36 EST
> From: veas...@freemail.nl
> To: Fri...@public.com
CROW: I'd say *that's* a bit presumptuous...
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
> -----------------------------
> I apologize if receiving this email has caused you any inconvenience!!
> Please hit your DELETE key now if it has.
TOM: (bobbing up and down) Mike, I'm hitting the DELETE key...
Nothing's happening!
MIKE: Well, Pearl *did* send this to us to read, Tom.
TOM: Yeah, but it's inconveniencing me!
MIKE: How? It's what you were built for...
TOM: Yeah, but did I *ask* to be built to experience such pain? What
kind of sadist would *do* something like that?!!
MIKE: Uh, the first guy who was here?
TOM: (shaking his head) Mike, Mike, Mike... You just don't understand,
do you?
(silence again)
MIKE: (shrugging) I guess not...
>
> By DELETING internet email you are wasting just one keystroke.
CROW: Yeah, but by SENDING it, you wasted hundreds!
TOM: Anyways, making fun of it is always much more satisfying...
> Just think of how many other resources are wasted
> by receiving standard mail... (paper, trees, etc...!)
TOM: Linoleum...
CROW: ...Twinkies...
MIKE: ...Fluorescent Lighting...
> Support internet email and help save the planet!!!
TOM: Oh, this is rich... In a shallow attempt to assuage his own fears
of offending millions of people with this ill-conceived spam, the author
dresses it up as an attempt to save the Earth...
CROW: Hmmm... Does that mean if I charged a $3000 "GreenPeace" donation
to Mike's credit card, it would be Ok?
MIKE: (in a firm voice) No, it wouldn't.
CROW: Oh... (in a quiet voice) Uh, never mind, then...
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
> -----------------------------
>
> Every 11 Seconds, Someone Joins the "Quiet Revolution!"
TOM: (shouting) Workers Unite! Uh, wait a sec... (in a whispered voice
to Mike) Pssst... Workers Unite; pass it on...
MIKE: (in a whispered voice to CROW) Porkers Untie; pass it on...
CROW: (looking to his right and the looking back to MIKE) Uh, there's
no one to pass it to.
TOM: (sadly in a French accent) Ahhhh... The Revolution: she has failed.
>
> What is the Quiet Revolution??
TOM: Don't you know?
CROW: Geez, who's writing this? Forrest Gump?
MIKE: I think it was a rhetorical question Tom.
TOM: Well, stupid is as stupid does...
> ... It is the migration of thousands of
> people each day from the insecure, limiting jobs, to profitable fulfilling
> home-based businesses... either part-time or full time.
CROW: Like Amway?
TOM/MIKE: NO!!!
>
> Does This Surprise You??? ... It Shouldn't. People
MIKE: ...will believe anything.
> are tired of all the
> economic upheavals, all the lay offs, and the insecurity in today's job
> market.
TOM: (in a German/Freudian accent) Now, Mr. Job Market, how long have
you had these feelings of insecurity?
MIKE: Ever since Mommy Liberty dropped me off at Uncle Sam's daycare
while she went off to work on Welfare Reform.
TOM: (still in a German accent) Ach! I see... You seem to be
suffering from an Economic inferiority complex... Haff you ever been to
a doctor's office in Canada?
MIKE: (suddenly sobbing) My *father* was a doctor's office in Canada!
CROW: (after listening to MIKE for a few moments) Uh, guys... That was weird.
TOM: (innocently) What was weird, Crow?
> People want more control and more financial stability in their
> lives.
CROW: But they can't have it, thanks to the passage of the Tax Code
Decency Act.
>
> FACTS about the "Quiet Revolution"
MIKE: Well, they're more like lies, really...
TOM: Shhhh... Mike, I wanna read this!
CROW: Yeah, I want to know more about this "Quiet Revolution".
> *** Nearly 8,000 people a day join.
> *** Nearly 25 million people have already joined.
> *** Most begin in their spare time.
MIKE: Seems like a sensible way to start a revolution...
TOM/CROW: Shhhhhhh!
> *** They earn an average of $50,250 per year.
> *** 20% earn more than $75,000 per year.
> *** 95% will succeed their first year in this $383 billion dollar industry.
MIKE: Oh, geez... *What* industry?
TOM/CROW: Shhhh!
TOM: Man, Mike! Are gonna sit there and be part of the capitalistic
pig's aggression towards the labor-weary worker or are you gonna have an
open mind?
CROW: Yeah, Mike; you some kind of Baryshnikov?
MIKE: That's "Bolshevik", Crow, and I think you guys may be taking this
email a bit too seriously...
>
> ARE YOU READY TO JOIN THE QUIET REVOLUTION???
TOM/CROW: (shouting) YES!
MIKE: What?!!
>
> DO YOURSELF A FAVOR AND
> TAKE 30 SECONDS TO FIND OUT
TOM/CROW: (dejected) Oh.
>
> The following information is a legitimate way to become independently
> successful
> and in doing so, become your own boss with only a minimal effort needed!!
CROW: Wait a minute... Become my own boss? I'd still have to work?
MIKE: (smugly) That's what it sounds like...
TOM: Well, what's the use of worker freedom if you still have to work?
Geez, these revolutions bite.
>
> You Can Actually Make Money 24 Hours A Day!!!
CROW: But you'll get 25 to Life if you get caught with the printing press...
> All From The Comforts of Your Own Home!
TOM: What if I live in a trailer park?
MIKE: Well, your comforts would just be more compact, Tom.
CROW: Until a tornado came by, that is. Whoosh!
> WE ARE COMMITTED TO HELPING YOU SUCCEED!!!
CROW: As long as you do all the work!!!
>
> ** No Meetings! ** No Telephone Calls!
>
> ** No Dressing Up!
CROW: Awww... Not even in a pink, angora sweater?
TOM: (snicker) Good one, Crow.
MIKE: I thought Ed Wood made you break out in a rash.
CROW: (in a bemused tone) Who's Ed Wood?
> ** No Running Around!
MIKE: (in Minnesotan falsetto) Now, young man! You put down those
scissors! Do you want to lose an eye?
CROW: No, ma'm...
>
> ** No Presentations! ** No Face-to-Face Contacts!
TOM: No Phone!
CROW: No Lights!
MIKE: No Motor-Car!
CROW: Not a single luxury!
>
> 3,279 MEMBERS PLACED IN YOUR DOWNLINE!!
CROW: Downline? Mike! He's makin' up words now!
TOM: Maybe a "downline" is a place to hang feather pillows...
MIKE: Hey, that reminds me of a joke... How do you get down off an elephant?
CROW: We've heard it Mike.
MIKE: Oh, well could you at least go along with it?
CROW: (thinking about it) Uhh... I don't think so, Nelson. Why don't
you try it on Gypsy?
MIKE: She'd heard it already, too...
> You Don't Have To Do Anything But Become a Member!!
MIKE: But of course to become a member, you must first go through ...
the Initiation!
TOM: Thank you, sir! May I have another?
>
> * Company mails FREE info packs!
> * Receive your own FREE WEBPAGE!!
> * Completely automated signup and sponsoring!
CROW: Just like AOL!
> * Most lucrative pay plan in the industry!
MIKE: Uh-huh... Lucrative for whom?
> * Commission checks increase every month!
> * Fast Track Bonus CHECKS GUARANTEED!
TOM: Our generosity knows no bounds...
>
> Our specially designed and revolutionary patented system has made it
> possible for the average person who hates to sell, to still have the
> opportunity to profit very quickly!
TOM: So basically, if I read this right, the Quiet Revolution is
comprised entirely of lazy members of a secret society whose motivation
is greed and whose methods are unclear.
MIKE: That's how it looks, Tom...
TOM: (after a pause) If this turns out to be run by Ralph Reed, I won't
be in the least bit surprised...
> All you need to do is become a member
> of this extraordinary system!
CROW: Well, there *is* the obligatory clown-suit; but you'll get used to that.
>
> Our company is on track to be the FASTEST growing in this industry EVER!!
> Our company has grown by 20% every month for the last few months.
TOM: Y'know, this might impress me if I knew exactly what industry they
were talking about here.
MIKE: Remember Tom, you can't hold them liable for claims they never made...
TOM: Yeah? Well I'll give 'em something to claim!
(TOM starts heading off to the left. MIKE stands and picks up TOM,
putting him back in his seat.)
MIKE: Just sit tight, li'l buddy. It's not like you're gonna get drawn
into this for real now, is it?
TOM: (despondently) No...
> Some
> people sign up right on the spot without even getting more information.
CROW: We call these people, "morons".
>
> Thousands will join every month!!
TOM: (in a menacing voice) They check in, but they don't check out!
>
> The company has been featured in:
CROW: ...as many magazines that we could afford to purchase ad-space!
>
> Money Maker Magazine as:
> "THE HOTTEST BUSINESS OPPORTUNITY OF THE CENTURY"
>
> Network Opportunity Magazine as:
> "COMPANY OF THE MONTH"
MIKE: Hey guys, did I ever tell you that I appeared on the cover of the
"Birthday Times" as Man of the Year?
CROW: Uh Mike, did it come in an envelope given to you on your birthday
by a family member or friend?
MIKE: Yeah, my sister showed it to me; how'd you know?
CROW: Uh...
TOM: Don't tell him Crow, it'll only depress him.
MIKE: Tell me what, Servo?
TOM: Never mind, Mike. Just keep reading...
>
> By getting involved now,
> YOU can be positioned to benefit from this tremendous growth!
MIKE: But ... but I thought size didn't matter!
CROW: Well, it sure didn't in "Godzilla's" case... Phew, what a stinker!
TOM: Y'know, that brings up a good question. Why doesn't Pearl send us
movies like "Godzilla", "The Avengers" or "Batman Forever"?
MIKE: Come on, Tom... Pearl may be evil, but she's not *that* evil!
>
> Why?
ALL: Why not?
> Because of our revolutionary process,
MIKE: Oy! Again, with the revolution!
> unheard of before in network
> marketing, is specifically designed so that EVERYONE takes full advantage
> of the tremendous 'MOMENTUM' growth, not just the "Heavy Hitters."
CROW: Mark McGuire?
TOM: Mike Tyson?
MIKE: Fats Domino?
> This
> High-Tech System is so powerful that it enables the average person who has
> never earned more than a few hundred dollars to finally profit at least an
> average of $600-$2000 per month within their first few months!
CROW: (in a 1950's-style announcer voice) Yes, you too can reap the
benefits of INDUSTRY! Wheels and cogs, spinning and churning! Endless
opportunities for YOU to make MONEY!
>
> But that's not all thats expected to affect your growth.
CROW: (still in his 1950's announcer voice) No, our special mutagenic
compounds, will also effect you! In no time flat, you be bigger than a
pachyderm and on your way to superiority in BIG BUSINESS!
> Our company has
> a strategic relationship with Radio Network and has begun a new 300
> station radio blitz.
MIKE: On AM stations such as WGLD; Golden Oldies for the Upper Midwest...
> The first seven days generated over 1,000 new
> interested prospects.
TOM: But then the repairs at the Bellvue Mental Hospital were completed
and they all had to go home.
>
> And things don't stop there!
ALL: (Groan)
CROW: Why not?
> With more than 1.6 Million people visiting
> our main homepage, 300,000 post cards mailed monthly, over 170,000
> full color newspaper-style brochures mailed, and numerous national
> advertising in the hottest network marketing magazines all to benefit you
> and your downline.
CROW: What *is* this "downline" thing? A new FTP service? A cable
modem? A misspelling of "downtime"?
MIKE: (patting Crow on the shoulder) Easy Crow... It doesn't have to
make sense; we're not falling for it...
TOM: Yeah, Crow. I'd be more worried about the fact that the above
sentence doesn't have a object.
MIKE: Or a point.
TOM: That's what I said...
MIKE: Oh. Right.
> Is there any doubt in your mind that this opportunity
> is for you!!
ALL: YES!!
>
> Imagine making this kind of money with only a minimal effort on your part!!
TOM: I dunno guys... I think simply hitting "reply" might be too much
effort for this one.
>
> The feature articles have been released, the radio commercials are now
> being aired, WE ARE TAKING OFF!! In twelve months time we anticipate
CROW: ...having taken you suckers for all you're worth and be living the
sweet life on a beach in Cancun!
> over 100,000 people involved, and right now there are under 7000. Now's
> your chance to be distributor #7001, instead of 70,001. Image a downline
> of thousands!! You'll never have to work another day again!!
CROW: Mike? How do you exert "minimal effort" and still "never have to
work another day" in your life?
MIKE: It probably has something to do with becoming a televangelist.
TOM: (in church-lady falsetto) Hmmmm... Could it be ... Satan?
>
> REMEMBER, your downline is built for you by the efforts of seasoned network
> marketers and heavy hitters.
CROW: As part of their early-release program.
> By qualifying yourself with the minimum
> product
> volume, we will help you build your business!! 3279 distributors placed in
> your
> downline by the company! But you have to become a member first!!!!
ALL: (in exasperated tones) We know!
TOM: Geez, you think they've emphasized "membership" enough?
>
> READY TO FIND OUT MORE???
MIKE/CROW: No!
TOM: YES!
MIKE/CROW: Hunh?
TOM: (in an ashamed voice) Well, I would have said "no" but they kept
using more question marks. (pauses) They kinda broke down my resistance...
> Reply to the address below....
> Be sure to type "HOME BUSINESS" on the subject line.
> "mailto:zbus...@freemail.nl" <-- Click Here & type "HOME BUSINESS !!"
TOM: (bobbing up and down) Hey, I'm clicking but nothing's happening!
CROW: Maybe it has something to do with the fact that it's not a valid
link, Tom.
TOM: Great... Now how am I supposed to join the "Quiet Revolution"?
>
> Still not sure...?
ALL: YES!
> Sounds too good to be true...??
TOM: (meekly) Well, maybe...
> Read On....
ALL: Aaargh!
CROW: Man, how much longer is he gonna tease us with the end of this email?
MIKE: Until he breaks our will Crow. We have to be strong...
>
> If you have ever thought to yourself, "Why can't I be in the right place at
> the right time?" Well, I can honestly say, YOU ARE NOW!!!
MIKE: (looking around) What? In an orbiting theater being forced to
read email spam?
>
> Once in a lifetime an opportunity comes that will change your life forever.
> This is your chance! DONT LET IT PASS YOU BY! We are committed
> to seeing that EVERYONE reaches at least $14,000 each and every month.
TOM: Just sign your soul over to us and *presto*! Instant cash!
> We are moving so quickly that downlines are being built in a matter of
> days!!
> Many are becoming members right now this very moment!! If you were a
> member,
CROW: ...you'd be home by now...
> these people would've been placed in your group and you would've
> been making money already!
>
> "If you keep doing what you've been doing, you'll keep getting what you've
> been getting."
MIKE: Well, it's hard to argue with *that* logic...
> Most of us keep wishing for a better life. We wonder why
> others prosper when we don't.
TOM: Luck! It's blind, stinkin', luck!
> We keep waiting for that next promotion or
> that big chance at our jobs. Are you satisfied with that? Since you've
> taken
> the time to read this far, I know you are NOT satisfied!!
CROW: Hey! Whatta ya know? He's psychic!
>
> So now what?
MIKE: Oh I dunno... Go get some Nutter Butters and veg out in front of
"News Radio"?
CROW: I call dibs on the couch! Dibs!
TOM: Crow, you always get the couch!
CROW: That's 'cause I'm the special one. Isn't that right, Mike?
(pause) Mike?
MIKE: I plead the fifth...
> Live the rest of your life like this anyway?
TOM: Oh great, now he's getting bitter and judgmental...
> Too much risk?
CROW: Man, he's done everything but call us "chicken"!
TOM: (in a whiny, child's voice) Nya-nya-nya-nya-nya-nya!
> What If...?
TOM: Starring Leonard Nimoy...
MIKE: That's "In Search Of", Tom.
TOM: Oh, I know, Mike. "What If" is gonna be the sequel!
CROW: (shivering) Whitley Strieber deliver us...
> Are you simply too skeptical about network marketing?
MIKE: No, "skeptical" would imply that I wasn't absolutely sure it was a
waste of time...
>
> I don't blame you. You should be!
CROW: Ahhh... And the narrator has a sudden flash of honesty!
> I've seen many of the programs you have
> seen. I was on exactly the same boat.
MIKE: Along with Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet.
> But believe me, this program WILL
> WORK FOR YOU. It's a can't miss!!
CROW: Just like a SCUD missile!
> Remember, your downline is built for you
> by very successful and seasoned network marketers.
TOM: (annoyed) What the heck is a "downline"?!!
MIKE: Why don't you check your Merriam-Webster files I installed?
TOM: I have Merriam-Webster files?
MIKE: Sure! Look under C:\Program\Dictionaries.
TOM: Hmmm... Let's see here... Searching... Searching... Searching...
CROW: Mike! I want Merriam-Webster files too!
MIKE: Well, maybe when you're a little older...
TOM: Hey, I got something! "Downline - (noun). Important-sounding word
used by Network Marketers to shift the blame from themselves for lack of
sales. See also - Passing-The-Buck"
MIKE: See Tom? You learn something new every day!
CROW: (under his breath) I bet he just made that up...
> Our system has the
> potential to pay thousands of dollars the first month. By qualifying
> yourself
> with the minimum product volume, and with only a minimal effort on your
> part,
TOM: Wait a minute... 'Minimum product volume'? 'Minimal effort'?
Wouldn't the best way to start a revolution be requiring everyone to
give you the maximum?
MIKE: Only if you're truthful, Tom.
> you will have the ability to earn a substantial income all from the comforts
> of
> you own home!!!
CROW: Yes, we'll show you how to sell the comforts from your own home
and then mortgage that too...
>
> So there's only one thing left to do, ACT NOW!!!
MIKE: Or, simply hit 'delete'.
>
> To find out more, please reply by clicking here
> "mailto:zbus...@freemail.nl" <--Please Click Here!!
> Be sure to type "HOME BUSINESS!" on the subject line.
CROW: You *could* type "Krazy Klown Kollege" but it won't be as effective.
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
> ----------------------------------------
> IMPORTANT NOTE: This message comes from an e-mail distribution server,
> not a traditional mail server.
TOM: So, what's the difference? One sends annoying spam and the other
one doesn't?
> Please do not press reply to answer this
> email,
> as your message will simply be bounced back.
CROW: So instead, voice your complaints to us directly at http://www.fraud.org/.
> You should not be contacted
> again, so there is no need to request removal from future mailings.
MIKE: Of course if you *are* contacted by us again, we'll reassure you
at that time too that you should not be contacted by us again.
> To
> request
> more info, follow the instructions in the above paragraphs. As a
> responsible
> internet marketer, the list you are being mailed from has been filtered
> against
> the Global Remove List at http://remove-list.com.
MIKE: Hmmm... First I've heard of this...
TOM: Well, considering I just tried to access it over my internal modem
and it doesn't have a web page, I'm not surprised.
> Once again, we would also
> like to apologize if receiving this message has caused you any
> inconvenience.
CROW: Such as mind-numbing boredom and the urge to throw yourself off a cliff.
ALL: (monotone) Thank-you.
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
> ----------------------------------------
>
(MIKE picks up TOM. They leave the theater)
(.....1.....)
(.....2.....)
(.....3.....)
(.....4.....)
(.....5.....)
(.....6.....)
(SOL. The chihuahua, wearing a Che Guevarra hat, is talking to GYPSY.
His back is to the camera and his voice is a dubbed in SFX.)
DOG: Viva Freedom! Viva Downlines! Workers Unite!
GYPSY: (sounding impressed) Oooooohhhhh!
(In the foreground, MIKE and the bots come on camera with a cargo net
and start quietly sneaking up on the little dog. MIKE turns briefly to
the camera with his finger to his lips.)
GYPSY: Tell me more about the workers...
DOG: Let them eat Tacos!
MIKE: GET HIM!
(MIKE throws the net and dives on the little dog while the bots jump up
in the foreground, obscuring the camera's view. Sounds of a scuffle
ensue and when the bots pull back, MIKE is holding a bundled cargo net
that's apparently kicking and putting up a fight. He struggles with it
over to the airlock and shoves it out.)
MIKE: There!
CROW: Woo-hoo! Way t' go, Mike!
TOM: Yeah, Good-one, Nelson!
GYPSY: (distraught) Che!
(MIKE walks over and pats GYPSY's head softly. The lights start flashing.)
MIKE: I'll explain it to her later guys, Pearl's calling again...
TOM: So much for capitalists in commie clothing...
(Castle. PEARL is lounging behind the blackjack table, shuffling a deck
of cards.)
PEARL: Well Mike, Bobo's defrosting now and should be ready to come out
in about an hour or so; so in the meantime, I figured I could get some
practice in on stacking a few poker decks. How did the email turn out?
(SOL.)
MIKE: Honestly?
(Castle.)
PEARL: Well, that's why I sent it to you, isn't it?
(SOL.)
CROW: I thought she sent it to us because she wanted us to suffer...
MIKE: Well, Pearl, after giving it careful consideration...
(Castle.)
PEARL: Yes?
(SOL.)
MIKE: (smiling broadly) I give it up "Thumbs Up!"
TOM/CROW: Hunh?!
MIKE: (to the bots) Shhh!
(Castle.)
PEARL: (looking skeptical) Oh really? You'd recommend I get involved
in this little marketing scheme?
(SOL.)
MIKE: (nodding) Indubitably!
(Castle.)
PEARL: (with a slow smile) Even if it meant putting you in my downline?
(SOL.)
MIKE: (still nodding) Even if it meant putting me in your... HEY!
(Castle.)
PEARL: (nodding) Thought so... Nice try Nelstone... (The doorbell
rings. PEARL gets up to answer it) But you'll have to get up earlier
in the morning than this to pull the wool over the eyes of Pearl Forrester!
(She goes off-camera. We hear the castle door opening.)
PEARL: (off-camera) What do you want?
DOG: (off-camera) Yo Quiero Taco Bell.
PEARL: (off-camera) AAAARRRRGH!
-----x-----
CREDITS:
Mystery Science Theater 3000 was created by Joel Hodgson.
This MiSTing is the mental work and suffering of David J Rust.
Dr. Forrester, Pearl Forrester, Brain Guy, The Observer, Professor Bobo,
TV's Frank, Joel Robinson, Mike Nelson, Crow T. Robot, Tom Servo, Gypsy,
Cambot, Magic Voice, Deep 13, the Satellite of Love and other specific
contents are copyright (c) 1999 <currently> of Best Brains, Incorporated
and is used without permission as an act of parody. All rights reserved.
Taco Bell and the likeness of the Taco Bell Chihuahua are the property
of the Taco Bell company.
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment
purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks
held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred.
(Keep Circulating The Tapes)
> By DELETING internet email you are wasting just one keystroke.