[MiSTed] Posts from alt.sci.time-travel [2/4]
Jamas Enright
>
>Article 1840 of alt.sci.time-travel:
>Path: comp.vuw.ac.nz!uunet!in1.uu.net!newsfeed.internetmci.com!
>news.uoregon.edu!sanjuan.amtsgi.bc.ca!denman.islandnet.com!user
>From: r...@IslandNet.com (RHB)
>Newsgroups: alt.sci.time-travel
>Subject: 23rd Message From Future
TOM: Yay, another one!
MIKE: Are you feeling all right, Tom?
>Date: Wed, 30 Aug 1995 17:53:02 -0800
>Organization: IslandNet
>Lines: 90
>Message-ID: <rhb-300895...@denman.islandnet.com>
>NNTP-Posting-Host: denman.islandnet.com
>
>What follows is one of the eight messages that arrived during my stay in
>hospital.
TOM: Haven't we seen this before?
MIKE: If we're lucky, we'll never see it again.
> While I still remain in a convalescent ward, I have obtained
>the messages from my secretary and am releasing them to the various
>networks. My change of mind is directly related to a visit I have had by
>a rather serious young woman claiming to be the Pauline McKinnon from the
>"Messages From the Future".
CROW: Remember, that's *the* Pauline McKinnon from the "Messages From the
Future", not just any old Pauline McKinnon from the "Messages From the
Future".
> To make matters worse she was accompanied by
>Ms. JoJo Braun, the private detective I had the misfortune to hire. Ms.
>McKinnon spoke to me in lawyerly qualifications
TOM: LLB.
CROW: LLB(Hons).
MIKE: MLB.
> but her message was
>clear--disassociate myself entirely from the "Messages From the Future" or
>I would suffer consequences. Men of my generation did not back down from
>the Nazi brutes nor the military machine of the Japanese, I'll be damned
CROW: <as RHB> If I do, so I'll go sit in a corner far away from
everyone, so just please ignore me, thank you.
>if I'll be intimidated by a lawyer of all people. What follows is the
>23rd message from the future along with some comments my secretary somehow
>felt obliged to include.
CROW: [as Dorothy] To include the comments I had to feel Obliged.
MIKE: Ummm, I don't think that works, Crow.
> By the way, the mysterious four have recently
>sent me a near fully contructed Web Page to use as a public receptacle for
TOM: Ridicule and derision.
>their messages and to serve as a forum for discussion. The address is as
>follows (please use no spaces and be attendant to the respective upper and
>lower case): http://www.islandnet.com/~rhb/Future_Page.html-- RHB --
[Again all try to obscure the address]
>
>
>Mr. B is recovering very nicely, thank you,
ALL: You're welcome!
> from his surgery. Although I
>must say he's even crankier than usual. I feel sorry for those poor
>nurses (Mr. B. doesn't know it, but he bought them each a dozen roses and
>a very tasteful card).
MIKE: Mr. B. has a split personality.
CROW: [as Dorothy] Mr. B. doesn't know it, but he just gave me all of his
money.
> I overheard Mr. B. bullyragging one of the
TOM: Mike, how do you bullyrag someone?
MIKE: You wave a flag under their nose?
>hospital maintenance people (right in the middle of my favorite soap, if
>you can imagine that--my those hospital TV's are wee)
ALL: Ewww.
MIKE: I don't think we needed to know that.
CROW: That's what you get when you don't empty your pan.
MIKE: I don't think we needed to know that either.
> and from what I
>overheard, Mr. B. has bribed the man into stringing another line into his
>room for a modem. The silly old fool can't stand to be without his
TOM: New Raggedy-Ann doll!
>beloved computer for a minute. The message that these four young men
>promised to send arrived on Mr. B's computer this morning. I still think
>they're rude but, then again, I always liked a little sass in a man. --
CROW: [as Dorothy] Drink this root beer, and when we can snuggle down for
the night.
>Dorothy Littlejohn
>
>Hey Dorothy, will you be our grandmother, huh, huh, please, please.
TOM: Wont they already have a grandmother?
MIKE: Perhaps they were orphaned at birth, and would like Dorothy to take
the position of surrogate grandmotherhood.
CROW: Perhaps they're just stupid.
>Greetings trogs. So, everyone on the SplinterNet is guilty of treason.
>We guess if you're reading this that you're probably guilty too.
TOM: Oh no! I'm going to jail! Help me!
MIKE: If they're the future, I think we'd be better off in jail.
> Anyway,
> things aren't going so good here. The net's down in Boston, Philly, San
>Jose, Duluth, and in about 40 other cities. The good news is that our old
>friend Bill Gates has started to ship palmtops by the shipload (yeah,
>that's ship as in big boat)
TOM: So, he's *big boating* palmtops?
CROW: [Looking at his hand] I wonder how much the top of my palm is
worth? Get it? Top of my palm? Palmtop? [sighes] Never mind.
> --only they don't look like palmtops. The look
>like cigarette boxes, DATmans, Big Macs,
MIKE: [whiny voice] Would you like fries with your palmtop?
> you get the picture. Oh, right,
>you trogs are probably scratching your heads and thinking "where's room
>for the keyboards?" Here's a little financial tip, boys and girls:
MIKE: Always remember to take the money out of the wallet before using
it to pay for something.
TOM: [as a salesclerk] That'll be $39.95.
CROW: [motions handing over a wallet] D'oh. Gotta remember: take the
money out first.
> Voice
>Recognition. The young nerd in 1995 has no penmanship--the young nerd in
>2005 can't keyboard. Okay, so we take back all those nasty things we said
>over the years about Billy G.
TOM: [in Rap mode] Billy G., he's a he, that makes a lot of... money.
> Hey, that whole Windows 95 thing he did
>back in the 90's to secretly make Apple look good so he could buy the
>company pissed us off. Talking about devious.
TOM: So Bill Gates is making Apple look good so he can pay lots of money
to buy it?
CROW: That isn't devious, that's stoopid.
> Anyway, here are a couple
>of news bulletins you can look forward to.
>
>New York Times -- Dec. 10, 1998
>St. Paul Minnesota -- The Center for Advanced Feminist Studies in
>conjunction with the Center for Women in International Development and the
>Women's Studies Department at the University of Minnesota have amended the
TOM: So, that's the CFAS with the CWID and the WSD at the UOM.
MIKE: Pay attention. There'll be a quiz afterwards.
>university's sexual harassment code to include the prohibition of words or
>statements critical of feminism. Ms. Patty Foxglove, the chief university
>officer for sexual harassment characterized the new amendment as
TOM: <as Patty> "Something for everyone!"
>"Criticism of feminism is an attack on all women, an effort to keep women
>in their subjugative role--in other words, it is sexual harassment." The
>new written code goes into effect immediately.
TOM: Wow, so saying anything bad about feminisim is a crime now?
CROW: Bet they can say anything they like about men without it being
considered sexual harrassment.
MIKE: That would only happen if life was fair, Crow.
>
>Los Angeles Times -- Jan. 6, 2000
>Truckee, California
CROW: [Bunkin accent] Howde, folks. I'm from Truckee, Cal-i-for-ni-a.
MIKE: [same] Howde, folks. I'm from Pitchfork, Tennesse.
TOM: [same] Howde, folks. I'm from Hell's Angel, Wisconsin.
> -- Frank and Anna Scanlon a Truckee couple have
>launched a six million dollar damages suit against Coors Breweries.
TOM: I poured six million dollars of Coors on my suit, and it damaged it.
> Mr.
>Scanlon, a retired quadraplegic rodeo rider
CROW: He rides quadraplegic rodeoes?
MIKE: I.... don't think so.
> and confessed "beeraholic" has
>been unable to remove the twist tops from the eight beers he consumes
>daily.
TOM: And I can't move my arms! Who can I sue?
CROW: The other guy.
> Mrs. Scanlon, who cares for her infirm husband, has developed
>painful Carpal Tunnel Syndrome in each hand.
MIKE: If I had a car tunnel in my hand, it'd be pretty painful too.
> Spokespersons from the giant
>brewery have declined to comment.
>
>
>Hey, guess what? Now that the feds say we're all criminals, Carlos says
>it's time we started acting the part.
TOM: [Thick accent] Ya got da things, boss?
> Last week the inner circle met with
>the heads of the five biggest crime families in the country.
CROW: Their bodies had to stay home. Get it? Met the heads, but the
bodies... never mind.
> Yeah, that's
>right--we're talking the "M' word --organized crime.
TOM: Since when did 'organized crime' begin with a big "M'?
MIKE: Since it was spelt M-A-F-I-A. Either that, or they don't need to
spell in the future.
CROW: Well, in that case, Ratliff would be a god.
[All contemplate this concept.]
ALL: Naaaaa!
> These guys are,
>well, organized. They got more nerds with computers than goons with
>guns. Anyway, it's all settled. SplinterNet's gonna run it and the
>families are gonna provide the money and, as they call it, security.
CROW: We call it security, but you can call it Sir!
>Meeting these guys was wild. They all had like snake's eyes and looked
>like they could put a bullet through your eye as easy as taking a leak.
>As tough as they were, Carlos seemed like 10 times tougher.
CROW: He can put a bullet through your eye ten times more easily than
taking a leak.
> These crime
>guys were funny too--they loved Aunt Polly, couldn't get enough of her.
TOM: The new highly delicious Aunt Polly Pie!
MIKE: Ya can't get enough.
>One guy, who looked a couple hundred years old, dressed in old fashioned
>golf clothes like he just stepped off a course, said, "Love that
>dame--every time the government outlaws something--it's a business op for
>us".
CROW: <as Michael Corleone> I'll make you a business deal ya can't refuse.
> So anyway, we're in the underground arcade business now. We're
>opening 24 spots in cities across the country next week. Each place is in
>the worst part of town--gangs, muggings, you name it.
TOM: We feel right at home.
> Cops don't even
>bother patrolling. But if you want to play in our arcade, you got free
>passage, guaranteed. Let's see the f...ing LUD's bust these places up.
TOM: Yay, let's go play in the arcade.
MIKE: I don't think we can get there from up here.
>
>
>Article 1831 of alt.sci.time-travel:
>Path: comp.vuw.ac.nz!uunet!in1.uu.net!news.delphi.com!news.uoregon.edu!
>tank.news.pipex.net!pipex!news.sprintlink.net!howland.reston.ans.net!usc!
>news.cerf.net!ni1.ni.net!usenet
>From: <prh>
CROW: Hey, what is it with TLA names?
TOM: Some of us have taste.
>Newsgroups: alt.sci.time-travel
>Subject: Proof of alteration of history...REALLY!
CROW: Oh yeah, like that's real.
TOM: Yeah. If history had changed, our memories would change as well, so
we wouldn't notice.
CROW: Gee, thanks for that, Servo.
>Date: 30 Aug 1995 06:17:21 GMT
>Organization: Network Intensive
MIKE: Network Intensive: The Network that gets real close.
>Lines: 41
>Message-ID: <420vph$3...@ni1.ni.net>
>NNTP-Posting-Host: thewall
TOM: <a la Kryten> It's the waaallllllll!!!!
> .bossnet.com
>Mime-Version: 1.0
>Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii
>Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit
>X-Mailer: Mozilla
CROW: It's yet another bad Japanese movie: Godzilla versus Mozilla - The
dinosaur with a mohawk.
> 1.1N (X11; I; AIX 2)
>X-URL: news:alt.sci.time-travel#Pine.SUN.3.91.950823102055.26856D-100000@
>parallel.park
TOM: Yeah, no parallel parking. This is a yellow zone, mister.
> .uga.edu
>
>This IS NOT a joke or hypothetical example. Our history has been altered.
MIKE: Are you sure it's not a joke?
>
>Though I have noted a few examples over the years, one is an outstanding
>historical event which is known world wide concerning celebrity and death.
TOM: Elvis Presley is really dead.
CROW: No he isn't.
TOM: Yes he is.
CROW: No he isn't.
MIKE: Quiet guys.
>Before I state my notion of a proof,
TOM: This is what I think a proof is, even though I created it just by
hitting the keys on my keyboard.
> let me explain my assumptions.
>
>First, I conclude that, not unlike "smoothing out" historical incongruity,
>chaos works to cover most alterations.
TOM: [as advert] So if you have an unsightly alteration to cover, you can
use the new all-powerful Chaos!
> Like the "beating butterfly wings"
>starting the hurricane, chaos finds an appropriate "butterfly analog" if
>needed to support the factual hurricane.
CROW: I think his mind got stuck in a hurricane.
>
>Second, if a time traveler has altered the past, you should find physical
>evidence occasionally which does not match remembered or noted past events.
TOM: Why? If they happened in the past, why shouldn't we remember them?
>An example might be the .30 caliber hole between the eyes of a prehistoric
>water buffalo skull found in excellent condition. How did a "cave man"
>shoot it with a .300 Mag rifle?
MIKE: You know, guys, that's quite a good point.
CROW: Yeah, but nothing like that has actually been found though.
>
>Now to my offered proof...
MIKE: Okay guys, let's be quiet for the great revelation.
> Bruce Lee, per current historical remembrance,
>made "Return of the Dragon" BEFORE "Enter the Dragon". I remember it the
>other way around. I find it humorous that the special which gave me the
>current INACCURATE time line droned on about the movie time line and didn't
>even note the fact that "Return..." implies that "Enter..." came first.
[Silence]
TOM: So... so that's it?
CROW: That's his entire reason for thinking history's been changed?
MIKE: Some TV program gets it wrong, and he thinks he's in alternate
universe?
CROW: I wish he was in an alternate universe.
TOM: That's like saying that Star Wars 1-3 was made before Star Wars 4-6.
CROW: Yeah.
>
>My conclusion of this time line change is not based on the language, it is
>based on my own memories. It is based on my own movie viewing time line. I
>KNOW that "Enter the Dragon" was made prior to "Return of the Dragon".
CROW: And because you remember seeing it first makes it first? Yeah, of
course we believe you.
>
>Before you flame me for having a poor memory, I will concede that a current
>check of historical fact will fully support the "Return..." prior to the
>"Enter..." history.
TOM: Either that, or your sources are wrong.
> I am contending that no matter how compelling the
>factual representation of current history, it has been changed to match
>the alteration. It could be no other way...history matches the alteration.
TOM: Then why doesn't you're memory match the alteration?
MIKE: I'm special. My memory doesn't conform to any known timeline.
>
>Once again, I sincerely do not offer this to amuse or start a discussion.
CROW: I offer this as a poor excuse to start mail bombing me.
>I offer it as one of the most outstanding of my own tracking of altered
>time line events
CROW: Especially as the others are along the lines of me vomitting up
things I don't remember eating.
> which prove to me, if no one else, that time travelers
>are interacting with us. I continue to note such events when I have
>certainty of my memory and find disagreements
MIKE: I disagree with the certainty of your mind.
> or when physical evidence
>(like the water buffalo) crops up.
CROW: <farmer's accent> Hey, how'd you like them crop of water buffalo?
>
>P. R. (Phil) Houtz
CROW: <Texan accent> Hi. I'm P. R. (Phil) Houtz, but you can call me
dickweed.
MIKE: Crow!
CROW: Come on, Mike. He deserves it.
>
>
>
TOM: Let's get outta here.
[Mike picks up Tom and leaves, with Crow following close behind.]
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[Continued in Part 3]