MST3Kd: Welcome to the Process....
Lisa D. Jenkins
MiSTied by Lisa Jenkins
DISCLAIMER:
_Mystery Science Theater 3000_, its characters and situations are copyright
1994 Best Brains, Inc. This publication is not meant to infringe on any
copyrights held by Best Brains, Comedy Central, or its employees. This
article is free to distribute as long as its contents and this notice remains
intact. NOTE: The MiSTied article(s) contained herein are REAL and actual
articles, however they have been edited together and were not actually part
of one entire posting on the USENET.
[Satellite of Love]
[Crow and Tom are sleeping in beds and the lights are dimmed. Mike looks over
them.]
MIKE: [hushed tones] Tonight we're testing our knowledge of earthquake
emergency procedures. What would you do if you woke up to an earthquake?
[Mike grabs the bed posts and gently shakes the beds. Cambot shakes to
simulate a large earthquake. Crow and Tom awake startled.]
CROW: Wha--? AHHH! Help! Earthquake! My furniture! My dishes! My
collection of David Hasselhoff albums!
TOM: Earthquake! Everyone jump ship! 'Bots and guys with really cute
hoverskirts first!
[Mike stops shaking the beds and Cambot stops shaking. The lights come back
up. Mike looks at Crow and Tom disappointed.]
MIKE: I'm really disappointed in you two. I thought we had this part of the
drill down.
CROW: Well, yeah, Mike, but you didn't tell us you were going to do an
earthquake drill TONIGHT!
TOM: Besides, Nelson, think about it -- we're in SPACE. We're practicing for
an EARTHquake. Doesn't that strike you as a little, well, ODD?
MIKE: Hey, it never hurts to be prepared.
[Mads' light flashes.]
MIKE: Well, that's just fine. Geiger counter and Richter scale are calling.
[Deep 13]
[A playbill sign reads "UsenetEVIL Awards." Jerry and Sylvia walk in to
stand behind a podium, each one wearing respectively a tux and evening gown.
A canned audience applauds. Jerry nods and the audience silences. He turns
to Sylvia and makes motions with his head and hands which don't seem to
particularly mean anything. Sylvia's hands indicate something along the lines
of "Oh, you silly mole, you!" The canned audience laughs. Jerry appears to
"laugh" as well. From off-screen someone hands Jerry some signs. The first
one reads, "Best Evil Experiment Source." Jerry flips the first card to
reveal a picture of Garry Shandling on the set of "The Larry Sanders Show."
Canned audience applauds. Jerry flips the second card to reveal a picture of
Barney the Dinosaur with children on "Barney and Friends." Canned audience
applauds wildly. Jerry flips the third card to reveal a picture of Dr.
Forrester and Frank at a computer reading USENET posts. Canned audience
applauds. Jerry puts the cards away and gestures to Sylvia who retrieves a
large envelope, opens it, and brings out a card with the picture of Dr.
Forrester and Frank. Dr. Forrester and Frank walk on screen wearing tuxes.
Sylvia hands them awards and the two mole people walk off.]
DR F: [as canned audience continues to applaud] Thank you, thank you.
[The audience subsides as Dr. Forrester pulls out a speech from his pocket.]
DR F: I would like to thank a number of people who made this award possible.
I would like to thank my mother, my father, the Lord without whom nothing is
possible. I would like to thank all my ex-engineers at Gizmonic Institute
whom I had to execute. And most especially, I would like to thank my esteemed
colleague, TV's Frank who has given me nothing but hours of excruciating pain
and migraine headaches, but without whom I could never have a scapegoat.
Frank?
FRANK: [takes the podium and fishes out his speech] Thank you, Steven.
[brings out speech which is so long it rolls out onto the floor; fights back
tears of emotion] I'd like to thank all those who made this night possible
for me. Dr. Forrester here as been like a second father for me, and to him I
owe extreme gratitude. I'd also like to thank the almighty God who created me
and watches over me. And of course, Jerry and Sylvia, thank you for being our
wonderful presenters tonight. Sylvia, you look MAAARvelous!
DR F: Thanks, Frank. That's enough.
FRANK: [to Dr. F] I'm not done yet. [to audience] I'd also like to send
thanks to my mom and my dad and brother and little sister back home. And to
little cousin Mary who teased me, and Uncle Jim who would sit on my face as a
kid--
DR F: [to audience] Yes, thank you all. [to Frank] That's enough, Frank.
FRANK: [to Dr. F] Wait. [to audience] Thanks also to the one and only Kibo--
DR F: [takes list and rips it to shreds] FRANK!
FRANK: Hey! I was reading that!
DR F: [looks at a chronometer on a keyboard just off screen] Great. Look at
what you did, Frank. Now we don't have enough time for an invention exchange.
Well, no matter. It looks like Nelson et al are ready for their greatest
adventure in pain. Sorry, boys, but this time we're taking you where no
poster has been before. Welcome to the Process, an FTP highway so vast and
wide, its horror will astound you. Give them the session log, Frank.
FRANK: [mumbles] I hadn't even gotten around to thanking that "other guy" we
used to do experiments with yet....
[Satellite of Love]
[Article sign flashes]
MIKE: Oh no! We got madness ahead!
[Door sequence]
[Satellite of Love theater]
> Newsgroups: >
> alt.evil,alt.rave,alt.satanism,alt.mindcontrol,alt.conspiracy,alt.satannet
CROW: Ah. Now THERE'S some mind-challenging reading groups.
TOM: Heh heh. Challenge them, and they take your mind.
> Subject: the Process
> Message-ID: <puppyCJ...@netcom.com>
> From: pu...@netcom.com (Skinny Puppy)
MIKE: After Dog Boy had spent long lonely weeks in front of a computer
terminal, he soon found himself gaunt from lack of proper grooming habits and
had to take on the new identity of Skinny Puppy.
> Date: Tue, 18 Jan 1994 05:09:20 GMT
>
> Welcome to the Process...
CROW: --of filling out your 1040s....
TOM: We here at the CPA offices like to call it hell.
MIKE: Generally a hell of a lot of money for us.
TOM: But not a hell of a lot of money for you.
>
> AS IT IS...
MIKE: Because we don't sell the good stuff and it's oh so hard to try and re-
sell.
>
> ThE BooK oF DreamS...
CROW: --would make more sense than this.
>
> ThE FirsT iN A SerieS oF TwelvE AudiO VisuaL BookS.
CROW: Now available in you local Satanic store.
> ThesE BookS ForM A ParT oF ThE WholE.
> ThiS iS ThE CollectivE MIND oF ThE ProcesS.
TOM: All one whole single one of them.
>
> ThiS TooL FoR ThE rE-EducatioN oF ThE MASS WilL bE ReleaseD
CROW: --witH cAPs alterNatinG for the conFuSeD ImpAiReD....
> Internationally.
>
> AlL ContributionS ForM A ParT oF ThE WholE.
TOM: And the whole forms a part of an elaborate joke.
> BecominG aN ActivE MembeR RequireS
CROW: --a certificate in stupidity.
> OnlY ThE WilL
> oF ThE IndividuaL.
> By ContributinG tO the Process OnE BecomeS Part oF ThE
> ProcesS
ALL: NOOOO!!!
CROW: Does this mean we are now a part of "ThE ProcesS"?
MIKE: Sure looks that way.
>
> SenD uS YouR DreamS...
> iN ThE ForM oF VisualS, SounD oR TextS.
MIKE: I'll be sure to remember my camcorder next time I go to sleep.
>
> IncludE (oR EmaiL) PersonaL Information.
TOM: So we can laugh at you publicly with scorn and ridicule.
> AlL MemberS oF ThE ProcesS ArE RecognizeD FoR THEIR EffortS.
CROW: --to learn where the shift keys are located.
> AlL PartS oF ThE WholE ArE EquallY ImportanT.
CROW: Because none of them individually is really all that important anyway.
>
> SooN ArrivinG aT ThE ftp SitE WilL bE;
TOM: --a guide for grammar and punctuation.
>
> OriginaL SoundS FroM ThE SkinnY PuppY ElemenT.
MIKE: It goes a little something like this --
ALL: [howl and bark like dogs]
> ProcesS VisuaL ElementS.
> EtexT oF Process DoctrinE ExplaininG OuR PATH oF LearninG.
CROW: Including the book of Marx and Hitler's autobiography.
>
> ThE OtheR AreaS oF ThE SitE ArE NoW OpeN.
TOM: However, we are currently under construction, so with sincere wishes from
the Management, please excuse our mess.
> ThesE ArE ThE PathwayS oF OuR RESEARCH.
CROW: Quick! Shut the site down!
> MemberS oF the Process ArE InviteD tO CreatE NeW BooKS
MIKE: Because there's no limit to zaniness!
> tO ReflecT OtheR AreaS oF CreativE IntellectuaL ExploratioN.
TOM: --you'd have to experience LSD.
CROW: This post is trippin'....
>
>
> SO BE IT...
>
>
> )'aK)'GeCA*b(EfaQ)'4KER-JE'9c)'f1C'PKFb"NC5"YBA0cC5"
> KEBjbD@0KD@jc,Jd0 38*69&*"3e30$8%JBh*TG'PaG@8JEfBJG'KP)'jKG(9bC5"
CROW: It's line noise!
TOM: Worse! It's an ANSI bomb!
MIKE: No, guys, it's just Skinny Puppy's weak attempt at ASCII art.
> 00 00
> ^0000000000
> . S k i n n y 00 00
> . P u p p y 0000000000 PROCESS
> .. <+*-> .. 00 Media Lab .
> -------------------------- >
> ++++++++++++ Contribute to the Process
TOM: Contributing is futile. You will be assimilated!
> ++++++++++++ ftp netcom.com /pub/puppy ++++++++
> [CL"dD'8JFQ9`FQ9cCMaitreya MustA4TEfiJEfBJG'KP)%GeE'BJ9f&b)9
> bD@0KEL"YBA0c)'ePC'PK,Jd0$!e4,L$()&0TFall!`J55G)(0dFR9MDb" $4)%N
> JDfj[Gb"dD'9cC5"KFQ8
CROW: ARGH! My optical sensors are malfunctioning!
MIKE: Tom, please read the eye chart.
TOM: [CL"dD'8JFQ9`....
MIKE: I'm sorry, you failed the test. You should have seen the subliminal
message, "Maitreya Must Fall!"
>
> --
> 00
> 00 ^
> 0000000000 . S k i n n y
> 00 00 . P u p p y
> 0000000000 PROCESS .. <+*-> ..
> 00 Media Lab .
> --------------------------
> ++++++++++++ Contribute to the Process
> ++++++++++++ ftp netcom.com /pub/puppy ++++++++
TOM: [sarcasm mode] Oh, please, may we have that obnoxious .sig just one more
time?
> [taken from FTP session log from netcom.net /pub/puppy/PROCESS]
ALL: NOOOOOO!
CROW: This just gets worse and worse.
>
> <********************************* | Welcome to the Process...
TOM: That's it. We've been admitted to hell.
> <********************************* | +++++++++++++++++++++++++
> <***** ************* | Information and expressio
> <***** *********** | n forming a conscious ent
> <***** ********** | ity?
CROW: You won't find that here!
> Within the realm of
> <***** ********** | expression is the inheren
> <***** ********** | t ablility for the self p
> <***** *********** | roducing thought.
MIKE: Cool. Thought produces itself.
TOM: I think, therefore I process.
> The uni
> <***** ************* | nfected thought. The stan
> <***** ******************** | dard perception of realit
> <***** ******************** | y
TOM: --requires two bad posts a day and calling me in the morning.
> does not provide us wit
> <***** ******************** | h an awareness of this ph
> <***** ******************** | enomenon
CROW: Because real life isn't this weird.
> and distracts us
> <***** ******************** | from indentifying the pre
> <********************************* | sence or punctuation
CROW: So THAT's why Skinny Puppy has a difficulty with his sHifT keY....
MIKE: And, of course, distracting them from the ideas of splitting up words
with en dashes or keeping words grouped together when word-wrapping in
columns.
> of a
> <********************************* | n emerging force. Our gen
> <********************************* | etic insecurities fueled
TOM: --the conspiracy theories surrounding Skinny Puppy's involvement with the
assassination of JFK and apparent suicide of Marilyn Monroe.
> <***** *************** | by the creation of fear b
> <***** ************* | ased belief systems
MIKE: --we control your every thought! BRUHAHAHAHA!
> rende
> <***** ************ | r opaque the true spectru
> <***** ************ | m of intellectual enlight
> <***** ************* | enment. Theological revel
> <***** *************** | ations are continually de
> <***** ************** | luded and derailed by
CROW: --acids, especially ones from the salt thrown on ice roads.
> pow
> <***** ************* | er based economic and pol
> <***** ************ | itical structures. The da
> <***** *********** | rk elements control the f
> <***** ********** | ormulation and disseminat
> <***** ********* | ion of information which
TOM: --in culmination of infatuation with pollination brings out Janet
Jackson's Rhythm Nation.
MIKE: This is mad-ation.
> <********************************* | is used to draw conclusio
> <********************************* | ns which have no basis in
> <********************************* | reality.
CROW: Because we're just making this all up! Ha!
> Whole civilizati
> <********** ********** | ons build and rebuild the
> <******** ******** | mselves upon frail founda
> <****** ****** | tions of misconstrued mis
> <***** ***** | information,
CROW: --from which our nation hikes up the prices at a gas station!
TOM: That doesn't make sense, Crow!
CROW: Oh, like this guy does!
> burrowing in
> <***** ***** | to the very core of intra
> <***** ***** | personal and mass percept
> <***** ***** | ion. Witness the formati
> <***** ***** | on of a self perpetuating
> <***** ***** | cultural virus.
TOM: That's right. A cultural virus. It attacks both humans and computer
programs.
CROW: Hmm. That explains this flu epidemic....
MIKE: Next, ANSI bombs.
> The weak
> <****** ****** | cultural foundations are
> <******* ******* | inescapably tethered to t
> <********** ********** | he sphere of technologica
> <********************************* | l advancement which rises
> <********************************* | exponentially,
TOM: Which basically means that the bigger the words you use, the smarter you
sound.
MIKE: Ergo, the cast of _Star Trek: The Next Generation_ must be brilliant.
> quickly ou
> <********************************* | t pacing the moral and ec
> <************* ************* | onomic institutions embra
> <******** ******* | ced by the virus.
CROW: Hey, come here, virus! Give me a hug!
> When th
> <****** **** ****** | e tether inevitably snaps
TOM: --much like my own sanity--
> <***** ******************** | the civilization crumbles
> <***** ******************** | . A new reality is slowly
> <***** ******************** | erected.
CROW: [ponders] Hmm.
> This is our time
> <***** ******************** | ... This is our reality..
TOM: As sick and twisted as it is!
> <***** ******************** | . Welcome to the Process.
MIKE: You said that already!
> <***** ******************** | .. The cord has once agai
> <****** **** ****** | n snapped.
TOM: I sure don't think it was just a cord that snapped here....
> As we race hea
> <******* ******** | dlong into the next incar
> <************* ************* | nation we face not only t
> <********************************* | he evolution of a new rea
> <********************************* | lity, but also the evolut
> <********************************* | ion of
CROW: --really stupid jerks who write posts like this.
> the virus.........
> <***** ****** | the Process as Anti-Virus
> <***** ****** | ?
TOM: The virus is good. The Process is BAD!
> ...We begin with interac
> <***** ********************* | tion.
MIKE: Yes, let's start out the session right. Crow, tell Tom here why you
were so upset with him last week when he yelled at you for looking under his
hoverskirt. And Tom, you explain to Crow why you don't want him looking under
your hoverskirt any more....
> Counteraction can o
> <***** ********************* | nly occur through the pow
> <***** ********************* | wer of a new conscious en
> <***** ************ | tity. The first step is c
> <***** ************ | ollaboration.
TOM: Mike, you go left. Crow, you go deep. We'll tackle this posting yet!
> Forming a w
> <***** ********************* | orking group of creative
> <***** ********************* | (albeit, infected) minds.
CROW: Hey! Watch who you call infected, Mister!
MIKE: I think the infections on him.
> <***** ********************* | Logical conclusions, base
> <***** ****** | d on current self-awarene
> <***** ****** | ss, are null.
TOM: Yeah! That's for sure! You haven't made one bit of sense yet!
> The virus i
> <********************************* | s present infecting real
> <********************************* | truths....truth is false.
MIKE: Crow -- the next thing I tell you is true. The last thing I told you is
false.
CROW: It may work when Captain Kirk feeds that into a computer, but it won't
work on me, Mike.
> <********************************* | ..trust the Process...
TOM: The Process is your friend.... The Process loves you.... You will
worship the Process.... You will do unspeakable acts of violence for the
Process....
> Avo
> <*********** ************* | iding the virus requires
> <******** ********** | the absence of logical th
> <****** **** ******** | ought
MIKE: Well, that explains his whole approach, then.
> based in our curren
> <****** ******************** | t perception of reality.
TOM: And considering that's on one hell of a high, it's quite an interesting
perception!
> <******* ****************** | The thought process is re
> <********** *************** | placed with the direct ch
> <************* ************ | annel of emotional expres
> <*************** ********* | sion.
MIKE: Help! I have no logical thought! I'm a spineless mass of protoplasm!
> The individual expr
> <******************* ******** | essions are focused throu
> <******* **** ******** | gh the Process.
TOM: We are the Process. Prepare to be assimilated!
> Forming t
> <******** ********* | he whole.
MIKE: The whole what?
> The new entity
> <*********** ************* | is injected into the main
> <********************************* | stream delivery systems b
> <********************************* | y the Process,
TOM: --quickly dissolving that hard rusty build-up in your pipes.
> drawing th
> <********************************* | e consumer into the Proce
> <*********** ************* | ss. As a result, the indi
> <******** ********** | vidual is introduced to t
> <****** **** ******** | he next level of informat
> <****** ******************** | ion
MIKE: So then it just goes on like that?
> ...Welcome to the Proc
> <******* ****************** | ess...
ALL: You said that already!
> *******************
> <********** *************** | ************* *********
> <************* ************ | ************* *********
> <*************** ********* | *** *********
> <******************* ******** | ******** ** *********
> <******* **** ******** | ******** ** *********
> <******** ********* | ******** ****
> <*********** ************* | ******** **************
> <********************************* | ******** **************
> <********************************* *************************
> <
CROW: Ooo. Pretty.
>
> [taken from FTP session log from netcom.net /pub/puppy/PROCESS/BOD]
MIKE: [sighs] Sad, really. Having to stoop so low to get bad articles from
session logs.
>
> <010101010101010101010101010101010101010101010101010101010101010101010101010
> <01010101010101010101010101010 010101010 101010101010101010101010101
> <01010101010101010101010101011 01010101 01010101 0101010101010101
> <10101010101010101010101010101 10101010 010101 0101010101010101
> <01010101010101010101010101011 010101 01010 0101010101010101
> <01010101010101010101010101011 010101 0101 01010101010101010
> <01010101010101010101010101011 010101 0101 010101010101010101
> <01010101010101010101010101011 01011 1101 010101010101010101
> <1010101PROCESS101010101010101 01011 101 010101010 0101010
> <01010101010101010101010101010 1010 10 10101010 010101
> <101The0BooK1oF0DREAMS10101010 010 1 0101010 0101010
> <010101010101010101010101010101 010101 010101010
> <101010101010101010101010101010 01010 1010101010
> <01010101010101010101010101010 ^^ 101 010101010101
> <01010101010101010101010101010 1010101010101
> <010 01010101010101 The BooK oF 010101010101010
> <01 010101010 DREAMS 0101010101010101
> <01010 .. 0101010101010101
> <1010101010 10101010101010101
> <10101010101010 01010101010101010
> <10101010101010101010 1010101010101010101
> <
TOM: The Process sees dreams as a series of ones and zeros.
> [FTP'ed from netcom.com /pub/puppy/PROCESS/BOD/TEXT]
CROW: No, no, no! I refuse to do any more!
>
> From: Virgini...@Dartmouth.EDU (LX (Alex Reed))
MIKE: Lou Reed's untalented brother.
TOM: Who likes to use his sister's account.
>
> PAIN
> Copyright 1993 Alex Reed
CROW: Wow! You can really copyright stuff like that?
MIKE: Apparently.
CROW: Good. Then I want the royalties for stupidity.
>
> I have only 462 in Pain left, and I fear that if I remain here without
> reinforcement, I may have to cash it in early.
CROW: Cash it! Cash it!
TOM: Heck, deposit it. We don't mind.
> Mitchell had been, apart
> from me, the last one to go.
TOM & CROW: MITCHELL!
CROW: But he only stayed as long as the brewski's lasted.
TOM: Or until he couldn't manage to open a beer can with his toes -- whichever
came first.
> He traded in a two weeks ago.
TOM: Crow, I'll trade you two weeks ago for three weeks ahead.
CROW: Oh, no. I'll take two weeks ago if you'll give me one month ahead.
> His Pain was
> down a meager 35,
MIKE: But that was nothing with a windchill of -20 degrees outside.
> and he couldnUt support himself in the last week of
> his life.
TOM: I tell you, slobs like that don't deserve their Pain.
> I tried to make contact with the base just yesterday, but it
> has been down for weeks.
CROW: So it was no wonder I didn't get an answer when I called earlier.
> The people here are neither pleasant to the
> eye nor the nose.
MIKE: And let me tell you, going around by feel hasn't been that much of a
thrill either!
> All the men wear cloaks that reach to the bottom of
> their buttocks and very few have shoes.
TOM: And for some reason they refuse to wear pants.
> Their boil-encrusted bodies
> seem to wander autonomously around this town.
CROW: Nice picture we're paintin' here. Mike, can we ever move there?
MIKE: Perhaps someday, sweetheart.
> The few women that I have seen here appear to be no more charismatic
> than the males,
TOM: But the men ARE starting to look rather appealing to me!
> most with long and tangled dry hair. Except for one;
MIKE: She had orange bouncy hair like a clown.
> she seemed to be at most twenty-five, but she was among the scores in
> last weekUs batch to turn in their little remaining Pain.
TOM: [sings] I haven't got time for the Pain....
> The economic
> situation here is no better. It can cost a man over 40 Pain to eat a
> staple meal.
CROW: Well, it would cause me a lot of Pain, too, if I tried to eat staples!
> I must say that Santage is a hell, even compared to the military camp.
CROW: What's a "Santage"?
MIKE: It's like a pilgrimage, only it's for Santa Claus.
CROW: Ah.
> It feels like much longer than ten months since I graduated from my
> unitUs training facility at Cisneros. At least there I could talk to
> people.
TOM: But now all I can do is grunt and howl.
> Here, I donUt even speak the language, though it wouldnUt help
> much. Half the people here just mumble and drool, never saying a
> coherent thing.
CROW: Why, you would get along just fine with them!
MIKE: Go along, Reed. Make some friends.
> With my packed rations running low, I fear I might have to start
> buying my food in town,
TOM: --which would be disgusting as I hate home-cooked meals and all.
> in which case I wouldnUt last a week with my
> Pain so low. Though the future appears rather bleak,
CROW: [sings] The future's so bleak I had to wear Pain-glass.
> I consider the
> alternative of not trading in my Pain when it gets too low:
MIKE: Instead, I plan on stubbing my toe at the corner of my bed. That should
give me a lot more Pain!
> Eternal
> life. People used to say that eternal life was the greatest gift to
> have ever been given, but
TOM: --heaven is highly over-rated.
> the world has condescended to lower levels,
> and eternal life would be a prison, a torture, not a release or a
> freedom.
CROW: Unless you're into that bondage kind of thing.
> No one wants to live forever anymore, and itUs a wonder that most of
> us donUt turn in our Pain at the beginning, just to get it over with
> (though some of us do). The one reason that I stay alive is my wife.
CROW: She divorced me, and now I'm going to give her all the Pain she
deserves!
> Her parents turned in their Pain early on in the game, giving her
> plenty to last her through a life-and-a-half.
TOM: She was rich, and that's the reason I married her.
MIKE: Not really the best reason for a relationship, is it?
> Pain is such a sick thing to dwell on,
CROW: That's right! It's sick! Very sick! I don't know why you're making us
dwell on it!
> but itUs the only thing most of
> us have. Aside from my wife and my gun, itUs all I have.
MIKE: My wife, my gun, and my Barney the Dinosaur plush toy. That's all I
need.
> The Rules were
> laid out almost eighty years ago by Khiris, and he is in control of the
> value of Pain.
CROW: And the value is measured by how loud he screams "ARRRGHHH!"
> Some people bow to him, hoping that he will spare them
> from both eternal life and eternal death.
MIKE: So instead, he gives them eternal debt.
TOM: Welcome to the IRS audit!
> I guess theyUre hoping that
> there exists some middle ground. I have always doubted that. The
> concept of a middle level is an idea forged by optimists to give people
> a reason to live.
MIKE: The Middle Class -- there is no hope.
> ItUs an admirable idea, but Khiris would have never
> been that kind.
TOM: You're right. Khiris is just the type of guy who likes pulling wings off
flies.
MIKE: Or making people watch Beavis and Butt-head marathons. Now THAT'S Pain!
> There is no doubt in my mind that Khiris is a formidable being with
> supernatural powers, however, that doesnUt stop him from being a
> tyrant.
TOM: Khiris is part of the Q continuum. Omnipotent and stupid.
> If anything, it gives him the opportunity to do so. Those
> unhappy with his ways have attempted to change the Rules or to
> overthrow him, but they live no longer in a normal state
CROW: Instead, they live in Washington, DC, which is the District of Columbia,
which is really not a state at all.
> (if life could
> be considered RnormalS),
CROW: How can life be considered RnormalS?
> they are trapped in eternal life, and have
> been reduced to automatons, almost zombies in their own suppressing and
> never-ending hell. They live their lives much the same as these
> inhabitants of Santage.
TOM: The moral is -- don't go looking for Santa's Toy Shop in the North Pole
or you'll end up like the cast members of _The Living Dead_.
> I find this comparison to be interesting, and it intrigues me that
> maybe once, some of these people were full-hearted and vivacious.
CROW: Oh, yeah. I can just imagine them chomping down heartily on their meals
of staples.
> But
> after fifty years, their interest in life has left them, probably
> permanently.
MIKE: If it's been gone for fifty years, I'd say so.
> Fifty years is far more time than one might be led to
> believe. Neither of my parents lived to be forty-five, and even that is
> considered to be impressively long.
CROW: Uh, Mike, how old are you?
MIKE: Oh, not as old as you think, dear.
> They were excedingly prudent with
> their Pain, because they valued life, but chose not to extend it
> eternally because they had seen KhirisU early years controlling us, and
> saw no improvement ahead.
TOM: Khiris U -- where students fail to improve.
MIKE: Why doesn't that surprise me?
> An old woman once told me of the ROld RulesS
CROW: The Rold Ruless?
MIKE: Rold doesn't live by the rules of Khiris.
> that existed before
> Khiris destroyed them and their writer, Sogen. Sogen was (from what I
> have heard from the very elderly and the eternal) very unlike Khiris
TOM: He liked flowery poetry and dressing up in gowns.
> in
> that he gave the people life that was worth living, and life that was
> not judged on oneUs Pain content, but their pontential for saving
> others from Pain. Khiris was merely an self-isolated mortal during
> SogenUs rule, which lasted almost a thousand years. People didnUt
> always die before they turned fifty; there were some that lived to see
> the majority of SogenUs reign.
TOM: But by the end, they sure WISH they could have died by fifty!
> The Old Rules were different, and when Khiris, finally struck down
> Sogen, he struck down everything Sogen had ever done and created.
CROW: Including that really weird play he made people perform every evening in
his private chambers.
> There
> did used to be an in between ground, a level between life and death,
MIKE: --but waiting rooms have always been rather dull. They never have the
good magazines to read.
> but it was pillaged and destroyed as was Santage and every other town
> and city on this now miserable planet.
> No one I have ever met can remember who devinely ruled the world
> before Sogen, and I doubt that anyone shall ever know. It doesnUt
> matter, though. WhatUs done is done, and we must now merely wait for a
> new supernatural to arise and penetrate this horrid throne.
CROW: Ooo!
MIKE: Crow, I don't think so.
> Few know exactly where Khiris lives, but it is rumored that his lair
> is East, several hundred miles from here.
TOM: I just happen to know he lives just a block away from the corner store.
> This is the farhtest East
> IUve ever travelled. Santage itself is a good four-hundred miles
> Northeast of my home city, Crillamun, which lies on the coast of the
> Kollig Sea. This area is utter wasteland. What is not infertile and
> rocky steppe, is desert.
CROW: Everything else is really pretty, though.
> There is no natural source of water for miles,
> and no one has taken the time to irrigate this area; something that is
> long overdue.
MIKE: Well. I must say. That was an...interesting note to end on.
>
> ------------
>
> In sleep you can rest, but in death you can hide.
CROW: But in a USENET posting, you can wish you were dead.
>
> -LX
TOM: The new car of the '90s!
CROW: Quick. That's it. Let's get out of here before they change directories
and grab more files.
[Door sequence]
[Satellite of Love]
MIKE: Hey, I think I could really become a part of this pRoCeSs....
CROW: Mike! You're scaring me! Stop it!
MIKE: After all, who needs logic!
TOM: We do, Nelson! Algorithms and binary systems hold our processes
together!
MIKE: Oh, sure, that's easy for 'bots like you. But I'm human, and I'm easily
infected with things like the Truth....
CROW: Please say this isn't happening!
TOM: Mike! Snap out of it, buddy!
MIKE: [gestures in mid-air, looking off in an imaginary horizon] Oh yes. I
see it all now. I could easily say things in loweR aNd UpPeR cAsE. I could
insert capital Us where apostropheUs should be....
[Crow and Tom are visibly shaken. They weep for the loss of their human
companion.]
GYPSY: [saunters in from stage right] Hi guys. Whatcha been up to?
MIKE: [puts hands down and looks at Gypsy with a smile] Oh, hi Gypsy.
[Crow and Tom suddenly stop sobbing and look back at Mike.]
MIKE: Fooled you! [laughs]
TOM: [sobs] Don't you EVER do that again!
CROW: Yeah!
[Mads' light flashes]
[Deep 13]
[Frank has tied up Dr. Forrester who struggles against his gag and ropes that
bind him to a kitchen chair. Frank read from his award acceptance notes.]
FRANK: ...and ever-so-many thank yous to my grandma who would always bake me a
cherry pie every thanksgiving. [to Dr. F] Just hold on a sec; I need to take
this call. [to Mike and the 'bots] Oh, hello. I'm just finishing up here.
Heck, I'm in such a good mood, I think I'll send up a few Walt Disney videos
to ease your Pain. Now, if you don't mind me, I think I'm just going to
finish the other 37 pages of my acceptance speech....
DR F: HRMMMPH!
FRANK: [turns back to Dr. F] Other extended words of gratitudes go to my
beloved collection of pet rocks of which I was so fond....
[Frank pushes the button.]
--
Lisa Jenkins "BecominG aN ActivE MembeR RequireS OnlY ThE
jen...@mhd1.moorhead.msus.edu WilL oF ThE IndividuaL." --Skinny Puppy
Ned Raggett
An extra tidbit for Net types who might not know: Skinny Puppy taint a
person, but a band, a three piece from Vancouver who have been around for
well over a decade now creating what is commmonly referred to as 'industrial'
music, very harsh and abrasive (and quite spooky!) stuff. The band has
been widely influential in that genre and related forms of electronic
dance (Nine Inch Nails being one of the more well-known followers in the
Puppy's footsteps), and are well known for both an extremely pessimistic
mindset (I'm not kidding here) and a very dark sense of humor. They recently
declared their presence on the net and have now apparently expanded it
to include contributions from interested parties. I can't speak for them,
but I'd like to think that they'd be both flattered and annoyed by Lisa's
wonderful job! Be warned; the band has a pretty hardcore fan base and
regularly sells out fair-sized venues, so beware addled Puppy fans stalking
you in the night! Or not.
Amy West
missed the obvious...
->> <01010101010101010101010101010101010101010101010101010101010101010
->> <01010101010101010101010101010 010101010 10101010101010101
->> <01010101010101010101010101011 01010101 01010101 010101
->> <10101010101010101010101010101 10101010 010101 010101
->> <01010101010101010101010101011 010101 01010 010101
->> <01010101010101010101010101011 010101 0101 0101010
->> <01010101010101010101010101011 010101 0101 01010101
->> <01010101010101010101010101011 01011 1101 01010101
->> <1010101PROCESS101010101010101 01011 101 010101010
->> <01010101010101010101010101010 1010 10 10101010
->> <101The0BooK1oF0DREAMS10101010 010 1 0101010
->> <010101010101010101010101010101 010101
->> <101010101010101010101010101010 01010
->> <01010101010101010101010101010 ^^ 101 01
->> <01010101010101010101010101010 101
->> <010 01010101010101 The BooK oF 01010
->> <01 010101010 DREAMS 010101
->> <01010 .. 010101
->> <1010101010 1010101
->> <10101010101010 0101010
->> <10101010101010101010 101010101
->> <
->
Oh, God, no... It's M A N O S !!! The process of fate...
--
-- Amy West -----------------------------------------------------
---- Internet: aw...@netlink.nix.com -- Fidonet: 1:202/701.8 ----
--------- Network Information eXchange * San Diego, CA ----------
Petrea Mitchell
>> Mitchell had been, apart
>> from me, the last one to go.
>TOM & CROW: MITCHELL!
You called?
Saaay... why are you all reaching for your forklifts?
--
/ <|> <|>
Petrea Mitchell ** GO NINERS! ** <pravn@mvp/agora.rain.com>
"We are fairies all the way down to our feet." ---_Iolanthe_
-->If this posting is from `ne...@agora.rain.com', I won't get your mail<--