MSTed: "Doctor Who and the X-Men" [2/5]
TDion34
>
"I don't know"
>replied the Doctor promptly.
Crow: And then promptly died.
> "You mean you don't have a plan?" Adric was getting worried.
Tom: [Doctor] No, I just thought I'd wing it at the last minute.
> "I'm thinking, shut up lad, let me think" was the Doctor's reply.
Mike: What?! When did this turn into a William Hartnell serial?
> "That's it. The woman is trapped in some sort of ice.
Crow: Quick, call Brother Cadfael!
>A way of saving
>her would be to generate a sound wave of a particular frequency which >will
>break the ice!" the Doctor said after finishing his reflection.
> "I will get my Didonian flute. That always breaks the ice!"
Tom: It's an important social skill to be able to break the ice.
Mike: [Eric Idle] You want to see how big my TARDIS really is? Eh? Nudge,
nudge! Wink, wink! Say no more!
Crow: Mike! I'm surprised!
Mike: [modestly] I've been practicing.
>
the
>Doctor went to bring his flute from a container in a store room in the
>TARDIS. The Doctor remembered of his first visit to the planet Dido, >when
>he had met a very peaceful and friendly race. They were so hospitable.
Tom: [announcer] When on Dido, be sure to stay at the hospitable Hotel
Dido.
>They
>had given him the flute as a gift when he was going to leave them.
Crow and Mike: [Didonians] Woo-hoo! He's outta here! Party! Party!
> The Doctor played the flute well. "Did I tell you I once played for
>the Roman Emperor Nero?" the Doctor asked his companions.
> "Really?" asked Tegan.
Mike: [deep voice] No, not really.
> The Doctor opened the external speakers of the TARDIS so that the
>sound of the flute would reach the external surroundings of the TARDIS.
>
>The ice started shattering immediately and Roma was free again.
> "What?" shouted the Adversary. "Annoying meddlers you have interfered,
>you will pay for this with your lives!".
Tom: [falsetto] I'll get you meddling kids! And your little Alzarian too!
> The Mara was
wailing in pain, it
>seemed, as a result of the Doctor's playing the flute.
Mike: He should've just stuck to the recorder.
>
The Adversary was
>in a similar state, since he was soul-linked to the Mara.
Crow: Well, that's a handy little bit of information.
> "Quickly now help me" said the Doctor "Open the doors of the TARDIS so
>I can tell this woman to enter the TARDIS before we leave." Tegan, Nyssa
>and ADRIC opened the doors and the Doctor told the woman to enter the
>TARDIS quickly.
Mike: No one will be seated during the gripping 'Being-told-to-enter-the-
TARDIS' scene!
> "You! You who interfered with me in the past. Doctor
you
>shall die!" shouted the Mara.
Tom: And that makes how many bad guys who have said that?
Crow: I stopped counting after the Black Guardian showed up.
> Roma entered the TARDIS since she was in no condition to continue the
>fight.
Mike: When was she fighting? She's spent the entire scene on ice.
> Meanwhile the Adversary was recovering from the pain, and he >exclaimed
>"Meddler, you and those accursed X-Men who defeated me in the past,
>you shall all die!"
Crow: This would be the perfect role for Valentine Dyall, wouldn't it?
>
>Inside the TARDIS, the Doctor questioned the woman. "Young lady, what
>is your name and where are you from?" enquired the Doctor.
Crow: [deep voice] I'm Batman!
Tom: No, that's Bat*girl*.
Crow: [normal voice] Oh, right. [falsetto] I'm Batgirl!
> "I am known as Roma.
Tom: From Noma!
> I am the Guardian of the omniverse. You
are
>obviously from somewhere else, from another reality or dimension."
>replied a tired and weak Roma.
Mike: Well, she can't be that tired if she can say all that.
> "It is important that you find the X-Men. It is vital that they help
>you fight the Adversary and the Mara." pleaded Roma.
Tom: While the Adversary's falling over laughing at the X-Men, you can
bonk him on the head.
> "Who are these X-Men? I heard the Adversary mention them." asked the
>Doctor.
Crow: [Roma] Oh, they're a group of students who've started a free love
commune in Tibet with some mop-topped monks.
> "They are living legends who gave their lives to save this omniverse
>from the Adversary before." replied Roma. "They had banished the >Adversary
>from this reality forever. But he found a way to return."
Mike: If they gave their lives, and they're still alive, then of course he's
going to return! These people never think through their storylines.
> "Where can we find them?" asked a puzzled Adric.
Tom: They're right next to the toliet accessories in Housewares.
Crow: Blue light special on X-Men in aisle 9!
>
"I will give you
>their location in Westchester county
Tom: And just how many counties are named Westchester?
> where you can find
them. This battle
>is a cosmic game between good and evil, only this time the evil are from
>two different realities or dimensions. Order versus Chaos."
Crow: Flynt versus the State.
Mike: Sonny versus Cher.
Tom: Deli versus Dijon.
> "You said he found a way to return. How?" queried Nyssa.
Tom: [Roma] Oh, just take I-95 northbound until you hit the Swanton Gas 'n'
Gulp.
> "He was trapped practically in the same place where the Mara was
>trapped, in the dark places of existence. Somehow they met
Mike: [Roma] At a singles' bar in Seattle.
Crow: [falsetto] This is sooooo embarassing! Normally, I wouldn't be
caught dead at a singles' bar.
>
and were able >to
>free each other."
Tom: If you love something, let it free.
Crow: So why hasn't this fanfic been caged?
> "That is bad news. For if the Adversary and the Mara get banished
>there again, how can we make sure they don't return again?" asked the
>Doctor.
Crow: [Red Green] We're gonna use the handyman's secret weapon to seal
this dimension: duct tape.
> "There is are no guarantees
Mike: [Roma] So don't expect your deposit back.
> they will never return as we
have seen. We
>can banish them to separate locations this time to make it more difficult
>though."
Tom: So...basically what she's saying is that they're going to risk their
lives to imprison two villains who are guaranteed to return?
Crow: Yeah, pretty much.
Tom: Hmm...sounds like a window for a sequel.
[beat]
All: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
> "Will you come with us when we meet the X-Men?" asked Tegan.
> "No, I am afraid I will have to spend some time recovering. I am in no
>shape to fight, I will have to trust you with this. I will go now to my
>Starlight Citadel." Roma answered.
Tom: I don't believe this! She's convinced them to try to defeat villains
who are guaranteed to return, and now she's going to hide under her bed!
> After she directed the
Doctor by >telling
>him where to find the X-Men's universe, she promptly disappeared.
Tom: And now we're going to promptly disappear. Come on, Nelson.
[Mike picks up Tom and the three exit.]
[1...2...3...4...5...6...*...]
[SOL Bridge. There are three photos on the desk, each of a different
middle-aged man. Mike and the bots are each standing behind one.]
Mike: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Tonight, we pay tribute to three
of "Doctor Who"'s greatest recurrent supporting actors. I will begin
with a brief ode to Philip Madoc. [clears throat. Spotlight centers on
Mike and picture.]
You tried to rule a galaxy
Later you said 'It wasn't me!'
You tried to rebuild ol' Morbius
You gave him lungs from a guy named Gus
One last time you walked the boards
And played a water man out of his gourd.
Thank you.
[Spotlight moves to Crow]
Crow: Thank you, very much, Mike. And now my tribute to Pat Gorman.
[Crow now speaks in a rapping tone.]
You were the man with three eyes
In suit o' rubber made by guys
After that, you were knocked out
By mean ol' Lupton, who had the gout
Later still, at planet Zeos
You pushed the button, ad nasuseos!
[quietly] Thank you.
[Spotlight moves on to Tom]
Tom: And now, my twenty minute aria in memory of Colin Baker.
Mike: Uh, Tom? Colin Baker was a Doctor.
Tom: [surprised] Really? What makes you say that?
Mike: The fact he was in eight serials which listed him as 'The Doctor.'
Tom: [disappointed] Oh. Darn.
Crow: Don't worry about it, Tommy. After all...
[Buzzers and lights sound]
Crow: WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIGN!!!!
[All run away midst much hullabaloo]
[6...5...4...3...2...1...*...]
[They enter the theater]
Tom: [muttering] 30 nanoseconds of runtime down the datavore. I don't
believe it. Could have been doing something interesting, but *nooooo,* I
had to compose a poem to a non-recurring supporting actor...
>
>Part 4.
All: [singing] Copyright lawyers at the door.
>
>Mutants. Something other than human, according to some. Most of them
>looked just like ordinary people, indeed. A large number of these mutants
>had developed various abilities. Abilities which made ordinary humans >fear
>them. Violence and anti-mutant hatred was commonplace in this Earth.
Mike: Whoa! That's a bit of a subject jump there, fella.
Crow: Marvel at the amazing Clyde Meli! He leaps from the obligatory spiel
about mutants to the obligatory line about anti-mutant hatred in a
single paragraph!
Tom: And all while ignoring the rules of singular and plural word forms!
>Man against man because of a simple genetic difference. Professor >Xavier,
>a mutant whose ability was
Tom: To shoot Cheez Wiz from his eyes.
> telepathy, a number of years ago
formed a
>team of mutants. His purpose was to realise his utopic dream
Mike: [deep voice] Of an Arby's which never closed.
>
of peaceful
>cohabitation between mutant and human. Unfortunately, along the years,
>it seems that his dream was not so easy to attain. Diverse factions of
>humans and mutants have come and gone.
Crow: Careful there, bucky! Shift tenses like that again and you could lose
the tranny!
> Mutant
hysteria and anti-human
>terrorist attempts made the headlines and are still the rule rather than
>the exception.
All: The hell?!?!
Crow: He's popped the clutch and gone into the ditch!
Mike: The unstable fanfic writer has claimed the life of two more rules of
grammar in his rampage across Usenet!
>
>Inside Professor Xavier's Ready Room,
Mike: Flynn MacTaggert was suiting up for another demon hunt.
Tom: And Captain Picard enjoyed a hot Earl Grey.
Crow: [English snob] Ouch! Ooh! Hot! I tell you, it's hot! Stop that, you
smelly Frenchman!
> the X-Men were
gathered ready to
>see if the Cerebro computer had any positive identification of the visitor
>who had just materialized and dematerialized a few moments ago in their
>grounds.
Tom: It turned out to be just another poorly plotted crossover, so they all
went back to bed.
> The Professor was the greatest telepath on the planet.
Mike: Next to JoJo of the Psychic Alliance, of course.
>
He was the
>founder of Xavier's School for
Tom: Plumbing and Refrigerator Repair.
> Gifted Youngsters where the
X-Men were
>formed.
>The X-Men saved the universe and the world countless times in the
>past. They had become living legends.
Crow: Do you get the feeling that ol' Clyde just got the Fall of the Mutants
issues from Dave's?
> Tragedy had not
lacked however.
Mike: [Shakespearean actor] Alas, alack, oh woe! What tragedy is this that
hast befallen the House of Xavier?
>When
>the new X-Men team was formed,
Tom: People bitterly complained that they were nothing like the original
team, so the company acquiesced and brought them back in classic
form.
> one of them died on the
first mission.
Crow: Ohpleaseohpleaseohplease say it was Cyclops.
Tom: No go, good buddy. He's talking about the token minority member,
Thunderbird.
>Tragedy and triumph. This was what the X-Men encountered. When one of
>them, Jean Grey (the team telepath)
Mike: And the only one independent enough to drop the goofy codename.
> was about to die when
piloting a >shuttle
>containing the X-Men,
Crow: [longingly] Oh, if only the Satellite were equipped with lasers.
> due to solar flares, she was saved by the
>Phoenix force entity. The Phoenix had actually taken her place, so the
>X-Men did not know she was *not* really Jean Grey until after 'she' died.
Tom: Criminy! Is this guy going to run through the entire history of the X-
Men?
>The real Jean Grey was encased in
Crow: Hot syrup.
> a cocoon on the far side
of the moon >until
>she was found years later.
Mike: I thought she was in the New York Harbor.
'Bots: Fanboy! Fanboy!
Mike: Knock it off! Don't make me get the E-Z 'Bot Repair Manual!
'Bots: [quietly] We'll be good.
> To make things more confusing Jean
Grey is >now
>using the codename Phoenix even though she does not have the Phoenix
>abilities at all.
Tom: Well, it makes about as much sense as some of the other codenames
these people have.
Crow: Like who?
Tom: Cable, Domino, Bishop, Red Commando, Revanche, Karma...
Crow: Enough, enough! You've made your point.
>
>The X-Men were people in a world that hated them. That hated mutants
>for no other reason than their existence.
Mike: Well, that and the fact that mutants kept blowing up all their stuff.
> "There is a 99% probability that the visitor's craft is a Police Call
>Box, 1963 version, currently obsolete." Cerebro said.
Tom: [Cerebro] And there's a 1% chance the water supply's been spiked.
--
Tyler Dion E-mail: TDi...@aol.com
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"So eight 5 and 1/4 inch floppy disks hold the key to time travel?"
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