MiSTED: Field Of Dreams, Chapter One ... Part 2 of Quite A Few
Spatch
a lot, Crow's painful secret is revealed to Mike, and everybody gets confused.
Feel free to comment and such, it's nice to hear from such wonderful people.
Yes, Erik, I put something in here for you, too. Coming up next, in Episode
Three, we have a SPECIAL GUEST MiSTie who thinks the Information Superhighway
can be reached via the Route 66 Off-ramp. Go fig. But for now, Bon Appe-DIE!
- spatch -
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[ COMMERCIAL BREAK ENDS... BACK TO THE THEATER WE GO ]
> Beverly Crusher looked at the readouts on her patient.
TOM: Yup, he's out cold, all right.
> She had deduced
> that some outside force was causing the patient to believe he was
> something that he wasn't.
MIKE: That's just the way Hare Krishna works.
> All of the scans had turned up negative, but she
> knew something was not right in the body of William T. Riker.
CROW: Something is rotten in Riker...
MIKE: Now is the winter of our stupidity.
> Riker was lying on the biobed stiff as a board.
CROW: Uh...
MIKE: That's right, Crow. Not a word.
CROW: But this one is TOO EASY!!!
> His expression was
> blank. He just stared at the ceiling.
TOM: Oh, that's normal for Riker.
CROW: It's called ACT-ing!
> Since he had been brought in, he
> hadn't said a word to anyone. She had notified Picard and he told her that
MIKE: someone needs to re-read the chapter on pronouns.
> he would get in touch with Starfleet Command for orders.
CROW (voice cracking): So that's 300 Whoppers, 150 with extra cheese, and 2000
milkshakes?! That'll be 4 million credits, please warp on up to the
next window.
> Beverly turned around to check Will again.
TOM: Yup, he's still catatonic, all right.
CROW: And stiff as a board.
MIKE: Hey!
> She hoped that this was all a
> dream and that she would wake up any second.
CROW: Gee, sound familiar, Nelson?
MIKE: Yeah, my sentiments exactly.
> As Beverly bent over Riker,
TOM: Hubba hubba!
> a
> strange sensation came over her.
CROW: Riker, too.
> It was as though Riker was communicating
> telepathically. But she began to feel possessed by this urge to let Riker
> go.
MIKE: Go where?! He's immobile, catatonic, on the biobed...
CROW: And stiff as a board. [ MIKE whacks CROW ]
> "BEVERLY... BEVERLY..." she heard in her mind.
TOM (as Riker): I CAN SEE RIGHT DOWN YOUR SHIRT...
> She didn't know where
> the voice came from.
CROW: How about INSIDE YOUR HEAD?! Sheesh. Stupid doctors.
> "HELP ME, BEVERLY... HELP ME..."
TOM: HELP ME BEVERLY-WAN CRUSHER... YOU'RE MY ONLY HOPE.
MIKE: Hey, that's cool. How do you do that?
TOM: WHAT, THIS?
MIKE: Yeah.
TOM: Hold my CAPS LOCK key down.
> "Will... We are..."
CROW: ... about to hit you over the head with this 2x4. Good night!
> Beverly couldn't believe what she had just said.
MIKE: For me, it's not a question of believing, it's a question of
understanding.
TOM: So she can't believe she just said "We are"?!
> The possesion of her
> mind grew more intense every second. "NO! You shall be..."
CROW: Hit over the head with this 2x4!!
> Beverly fought to keep control.
TOM: While the rest of us fought to keep awake.
> Riker was trying to impress
MIKE: Another green-skinned babe, as usual.
CROW: No, that was Kirk's job.
> the Borg
> ideology on her, but how?
TOM: Sell Grit!
> On the biobed, Will stared at Beverly.
CROW (Homer Simpson): Mmmm.... cleavage.
> His blank
> face was
MIKE: Quite normal for his acting ability, in fact, you might say his acting
was above par this episode.
> turning into a smile as Beverly went further into the depths of the
> Borg mentality.
TOM: You Borg have the mentality of a third grader!
CROW: Nyah nyah! You will be assimilated! Neener neener neener!
> She finally broke away from Riker.
TOM: Aww. Does she have to give him his pin back?
> Her mind felt assulted.
CROW: I guess she can file for assult-and-buttery charges now, eh? [ MIKE
groans ]
> She would
> have to talk to Deanna after this was all over.
TOM (falsetto): Deanna, you've had your mind posessed by Riker more times than
any other woman on this ship, how do you do it?!
> "Crusher to security."
> "Security here, Lt. Worf."
TOM (falsetto): No, I'm Crusher, you're Worf.
> "Worf, I need you to take Will to a detention cell."
MIKE: He was being loud and disruptive in class again.
> "On my way."
> "Doctor?" Picard's voice broke in.
TOM (falsetto): Yes, I am.
> "He tried to possess me, Captain. It was difficult for me to break
> free."
TOM (falsetto): But I did it just the same. Trust me! I did break free!
MIKE: I'm so glad we were there to get that first-person account.
> "I understand. I have called for a meeting at 1600 hours.
CROW (as Picard): And if it's not here by 1630 it's free.
> Are you up
> for it?"
MIKE: Nickelodeon's G.U.T.S.! Can ya handle it?
> Just what she needed, a meeting. "Aye, sir."
CROW: Ear, too.
> "Good. I'll see you in a few moments."
TOM: After these commercial messages!
> * * *
MIKE: These three stars are here to give you time to ask what a crappy
fanfic is. Now that you know, let's move on.
>
> "Chief Medical Officer's Log:
CROW: It's a Daktari stool!
> I have finished the tests on Riker.
TOM: And he got an A+! Whooo!!
> I
> have not found any cause for his afflicition.
MIKE: Apart from extra-terrestrial possession and the usual bad acting.
> I must give a report to the
> command crew in a few moments."
CROW: And she stayed up all night writing it, too.
TOM: You lie! She was busy watching Rolanda!
MIKE: Now _there's_ something to talk about.
> Doctor Crusher walked into the observation lounge.
MIKE: Only that there was no observation lounge, so she fell straight into
deep space.
> The only other
> person there was Deanna. Of all the people in the universe, why did it have
> to be her? she thought.
MIKE: Oh, please!
CROW: Booooo!!!
TOM: Another cliche shamelessly ripped directly off of Casablanca!
> Deanna looked at her with the eyes that could look
> through you in a glance and feel what you felt.
MIKE: She's got Bette Davis eyes.
> "Beverly... Are you all right?"
> "Deanna... I'm fine. I don't need your counseling."
CROW: But a minute ago she felt "she would have to talk to Deanna after this"..
MIKE: Hush, Crow. Leave the plot hole be.
CROW: But... but... but...
> "Beverly... You just had a strange experience. I can feel that it
> makes you upset.
TOM: Oh, brag about your special powers some more, why dontcha.
> Tell me."
> Beverly looked out the window at the stars.
CROW (falsetto): Hey, look, Deanna! Isn't that your car getting towed?!
> "Deanna, I felt so
> helpless. It was if someone had free control over my mind.
MIKE: Do you want to have free control over someone's mind?
ALL: Sure! We all do!
> The only way I
> broke away was to think about how much I didn't want to be a Borg."
TOM (singing): I won't grow up!
MIKE & CROW: I won't grow up!
TOM: I don't wanna be a Borg!
MIKE & CROW: I don't wanna be a Borg!
TOM: I don't wanna find a word
MIKE & CROW: I don't wanna find a worg
TOM: That has to rhyme with Borg!
MIKE (speaking): That's enough singing, Tom. Save it for later.
> Deanna got up and walked twoards Beverly.
CROW: "twoards"??
MIKE: Yeah, you know, like... well... "towards" only misspelled.
CROW: Oh, thanks, Nelson, you sure cleared up a LOT.
> "Come, sit down.
TOM: Take yer shoes off. Y'all come back now, hear?
> You need
> to talk about it."
TOM (singing): Let's talk about Borg, baby, let's talk about you and -
MIKE (cutting him off): No more singing, come on.
> Beverly sat down with Deanna. Before they could start talking, the
> door opened and the rest of the bridge crew came in.
MIKE: Hello...
TOM: Hello...
CROW: Hello...
ALL: HELLO!
> Riker was noticeably
> absent.
TOM: Late for meetings again... that boy's gonna be in Detention til he
turns 65.
> Picard sat down at his regular chair. Riker's chair was empty.
MIKE: Except for the small lump of bones, flesh and sinew that once was Riker.
> "I will start by telling you that the crew has been asked to go
CROW: Take a long walk off a short pier.
> on a patrol mission near the Romulan Neutral Zone. It seems to be that the
> Romulans are showing some
MIKE: Of those really dirty movies in their dorm room.
TOM: Woooo! Let's go!
CROW: We're there, dude!
> force on the other side of the Zone. We are to
> watch the Romulans until such time is appropriate to relieve us.
MIKE: Picard's got to pick his Fleetspeak better.
TOM: "Fleetspeak"?!
> I know how
> much you were looking twoards shore leave.
CROW: There's that word again. "twoards". What does it mean?
TOM: Perhaps it's a truncation of "two aardvarks".
CROW: The crew was looking for two aardvarks?! I don't think so!
> "Now on to other matters. As you already know Riker has been afflicted
> by an unknown disease in which he thinks he is a Borg.
MIKE: So we're passing the Get-Well card around the Ready Room now, I want
all of you to sign it.
> I feel sorry for him
> because I know what he is going through.
CROW: It's a Locutus thing. You wouldn't understand.
> The first officer's position will
> be filled by Commander Data. Now, Dr. Crusher, your report."
TOM (falsetto): *ahem* My theory on the *ahem* brontosaurus. *ahem*
> Dr. Crusher got up and went to the viewscreen on the wall. "Thank you,
> Captain." The viewscreen filled with a picture of a scan she did on her
> patient.
MIKE: Now Picture Picture is going to show us a tour of a hospital.
> "This is a scan on Will's brain I ran less than three hours ago.
TOM: This is a scan of Will's brain on drugs. Any questions?
> When I checked it with a pervious scan, there was no change. It is as
> if William had nothing wrong with him.
> "There is one other thing. When I was in sickbay, something happened.
CROW: One of the patients ralphed, so if you could get Custodial Engineering
to clean it up...
> I began to feel possessed. It was as though Riker was trying to invade my
> mind.
MIKE: Well, possession will do that to ya.
> I don't know how, but Will has become a very strong telepath.
CROW: Maybe Troi's contagious.
> I was forced
> to put him in an isolation detetion cell."
> Silence fell over the room.
TOM (as Picard): Whoever called me "Chrome Dome" better fess up now!
> Picard looked at Data and an unspoken
> question passed to Data.
MIKE: Hey, Picard and Data are telepaths now, too.
"There have been no anomolies that would cause this phenomonon, sir."
TOM: Except for a strange case where the letter 'o' is substituted for the
letter 'a'. I call it stupidity.
> "All right then. Meeting adjourned.
MIKE: Recess!
ALL: YAAAAAAAAAAY!!!
> Data, set cause for the romulan
> Neutral Zone.
CROW: Why? Course we love you!
> Dr. Crusher, keep working at it."
TOM: Keep working at WHAT?!
MIKE: Her generalizations, I think.
> Everyone got up and left except for Deanna. Riker a telepath?
TOM (falsetto): I should have known that!
> I
> taught him everything that I know. she thought.
CROW: Which don't amount to much.
> Then she left the room,
> leaving it empty.
TOM: Yes, it's Mr. Redundancy Man!
>
>
> CHAPTER II
CROW: Hey, the Mads gypped us! They said it was called "Field Of Dreams,
Chapter ONE"! Instead we get another chapter!
MIKE (shaking fist): Curse you, Dr. Forrester!! Have you no shame?! No
sense of decency?
>
> "Conuselor Deanna Troi's Personal Log:
TOM (falsetto): Will says the cutest things! Today he told me I would be
assimilated! *giggle* Isn't that sweet?! Kooky ol' Rikey-poo.
> I have talked with Beverly
> about her experience. She has decided that further counseling is needed.
CROW: Wait a minute... first Crusher thinks she wants Deanna's help, then she
says she doesn't, then Deanna says Crusher has decided that....
AAAIIGH! It's too much for me to handle!
> I have set up an appointment for tomorrow morning.
MIKE: Please ignore me. I'm a hole in the plot so big you could drive a
tractor trailer through.
> For now, I'm going to
> sleep."
> Deanna turned off the recorder and went to sleep...
TOM: Just like she already said she would on her recorder.
> The sky was filled with birds and the scent of spring.
MIKE: Okay, kids, it's time to scan the paragraph. Does anyone see any
symbolism in the above sentence?
CROW: Yeah! It symbolizes spring, beauty, and bird poop.
> Betezed was so
> beautiful this time of year.
MIKE: The toxic landfills glowed with a effervescent smile, bubbling green
ooze, coating the new crocuses, mutating them horribly so that a
passer-by could get caught in a tentacle and sucked, screaming, down
to the enormous maw of the Crocus-Beast.
TOM: Jeez, Nelson! Someone's really feeling sick today!
MIKE: Why, thank you.
> She and Admiral Riker
CROW: Admiral?!
TOM: That's it, time to whip out the Anal-Retentive Star Trek Guide... yep,
he's only a commander.
> were walking through the
> park.
TOM (singing): On a Sunday you'll see my sweetheart and me as we poison
the pigeons in the park...
MIKE: _NOW_ who's being sick?
TOM: Hey, that's a classic song!
> Will looked so good in his uniform.
CROW: With Action Hips!
> What she didn't understand is why
> did he seemed so closed today.
MIKE: It's a Sunday. The Admirals are all closed on Sundays.
> "Imzadi... Is there something wrong?"
> Will looked away before answering. "No, there isn't.
TOM: And stop calling me Imzadi. I found out what it _really_ means.
CROW: What's it mean?
TOM: "Testosterone Doofus Who Sits With His Legs Splayed Out Way Too Much".
CROW: Wow, all that in one word. What a beautiful language.
> I'm just
> thinking."
MIKE: Watch out, Riker! Don't burn any circuits! Ha, ha.
CROW: "Don't burn any circuits"?! Why, I oughta...
>
> The birds began to sing.
TOM (singing): Why do birds suddenly appear... every time... you are near?
MIKE: I give up. Tom Servo the Magic Jukebox is too much for me.
> Deanna loved every moment of it.
CROW: Naah, she's just faking it.
> "Is it
> something to do with the wedding that we're going to have tomorrow?"
MIKE: What "wedding we're going to ha - " D'oh!
CROW: Thank you, Mr. Exposition.
> Riker sighed. "Yes...
ALL: COLD FEET! COLD FEET! RIKEY'S GOT THE COLD FEET!
> and no. I feel that it is wrong to get married
> without thinking about it,
TOM: Is This Love?! Are Will and Deanna making the Right Choice?! You decide.
MIKE: I hope she didn't send a telegram to Lwaxana.
> but on the other hand my life would be with you,
CROW: Which means no more picking up Ensigns in Ten-Forward.
> and I can't forget that."
> Deanna stopped and turned twoards Will.
CROW: Aie! There's that word again! "twoards!" When I get out of the
theatre I'm going to look it up!
> "Will, listen to me. We have
> been together for over twenty years. Don't you think that is long enough
> before we get married?
TOM: They must have really waited for the ratings to slide before they
decided to get married.
> I mean, why did it take us so long?"
> Will looked at a tree and then looked at Deanna.
MIKE: Oh. You're over there. Sorry.
CROW: If he can't tell the difference between Deanna and a tree, I think the
wedding's going to be a big disaster.
> "Deanna, I love
> you."
TOM: Yeah, or so you say. Prove it, big man!
> And he kissed her. They found a closed area when no one could see them and
> enjoyed each other's company.
CROW: Orally?!
MIKE: Yes. Now be quiet and watch the pretty little asterisks.
>
> * * *
>
> Will woke up with a start.
CROW: Oh, damn, it was all just a dream!
> He was laying on a comfortable bed in
> Lwaxana Troi's house.
TOM: With a horse's head next to him! [ CROW mutters unintelligible Brando ]
> He could never get used to the idea that she would be
> his mother-in-law.
MIKE: She might start calling him "Little One", too.
> He thought that she was an off-the-wall person who had
> less than a whole brain in her head.
TOM: And the wacky zany fun never stops on the new Star Trek spinoff, "I
Married Deanna!" Tonight, Will's off-the-wall mother-in-law Lwaxana
visits, and hilarity ensues!
> He got up and undressed before going into the shower.
CROW: As opposed to... ???
MIKE: Taking a shower with your clothes on, I guess.
> It felt so good
> to have real water running down his back.
CROW: As opposed to... ???
MIKE: Fake water running down your back, I guess.
CROW: Chris Walck isn't making enough sense. He's redundifying himself.
MIKE: "Redundifying?!"
> After the enjoyment he had
> yesterday with Deanna, he felt as though he could defeat the entire Klingon
> Empire bare-handed.
MIKE: Hey, Klingons are our friends now.
> Riker turned off the shower and began to dry himself
> off.
TOM: This scene is going NOWHERE fast.
> Someone knocked on the door. Riker knew who it would be.
CROW: He's telepathic now.
> His best man
> and his fellow crewmembers.
TOM: Whose fellow crewmembers?! Riker's or his best man's?!
MIKE: Pronouns, pronouns, pronouns!
> Riker opened the door and in came a Klingon and
> a black man.
CROW: Boooo!!
MIKE: Now Riker's stereotyping. Boooo!
> "Ah! Commander Worf. It is good to see you again."
TOM: The last time I saw you, you were a Lieutenant.
> Worf stood there and said, "The feeling is mutual, sir."
> Riker turned to Geordi. "Nice to see you, Geordi.
CROW: Now that's just a sick joke.
> So how are the
> implants working out?"
MIKE: Well, one of them's using the Stairmaster at the moment, while the others
are busy with step-aerobics.
> Geordi, with his blue eyes, said "Wonderful!"
CROW: There's so much exposition in this story it could be a state fair!
> Geordi and Worf sat down while Riker got changed into his tuxedo.
MIKE: By two beautiful green-skinned babes.
>
> When he came out, he asked, "Where is my best man?"
> Worf replied, "He forgot the rings."
TOM: One ring to rule, one ring to wed them...
MIKE: One ring for Riker so he can bed them.
> Riker looked at Worf as though he was crazy.
MIKE: As though WHO was crazy? Riker, or Worf?
CROW: My money's on both.
> "Oh well, we will see
> him shortly."
> While the three of them began to talk, a knock at the door anounced
> the arrival of his best man.
TOM: So, the door's got a best man, too, eh? [chuckles] This is too much.
> Data was more human than any of them after he
> 'evolved' several years back.
CROW: Thanks for that Star Trek Fun Fact, but what's that got to do with
Riker's best man?
MIKE: I think Chris is trying to tell us that Data _is_ Riker's best man.
> Will wondered sometimes if he missed him being
> an android.
TOM: I give up. All these pronouns are just way too confusing for me.
> Data walked into the room with a smile on his face.
CROW: Wait a minute, Data can't smile! It must be... his evil twin, Lore!
MIKE & TOM: Nooooo!!
> He had the rings
> in his hand. "Hello everyone! I thought I'd never get here.
TOM: We're beginning to think that, too. Unfortunately, you proved us wrong.
> You know the
> traffic is horrendous. Must be a holiday. Anyway, I was talking..."
ALL: SHUT UP!!!
> "Data, you haven't learned to stop babbling." Riker interuppted.
CROW: And you haven't learned to spell correctly yet, either.
> "Well thanks a lot.
TOM: You've been a great audience! I mean it! Next up, give a big hand to
funnyman Carrot Top!
MIKE & CROW: Yaaaaaaaaay!
> Oh, you have ten minutes before the wedding. You
> ready?"
TOM: Yes, Admiral Riker, you have ten minutes to sow your wild oats before
getting hitched to that Betazoid. The strip bar is down the street,
with no cover charge. ARE YOU READY?!
> Will took a deep breath. "You bet I am."
TOM: Then GO, GO, GO!
> The four of them walked out the door.
CROW (falsetto): And out of my life. [sniffs]
>
> * * *
>
> The chapel where the wedding ceremony was being held was filled to
> overflowing.
MIKE: Wouldn't it have been easier to have said "The chapel had a lot of
people in it"?
> All of the family from both sides were gathered together on
> this special occasion.
CROW: Because today, someone was going to DIE.
> The music started to play and the wedding began.
TOM (singing): Here comes the bride, fair, fat and wide.
MIKE (singing): Here comes the groom, as skinny as a broom.
CROW (singing): Here comes the usher, the old toilet flusher.
> Will was already at the altar and he looked at Deanna as she walked down the
> aisle.
MIKE: He suddenly remembered a dentist appointment he had on Rigel IV, and took
off like a shot.
> Lwaxana was sitting in the first row.
CROW: Colonel Mustard was in the conservatory. Miss Scarlet, in the library.
Which one did it?
> She was crying as Deanna took
> her place next to her husband to be.
CROW: To be what?
MIKE: Continued, I think.
> The priest began the ceremony. After going through all the
> preliminaries,
TOM: Like vows, the ring, the kiss, you know, that sort of thing.
> the priest said, "If there someone who thinks this marriage
> should not go forth, speak now or forever hold their piece."
CROW (laughing): Oh, now come on! This is EASY!
MIKE: Holding their piece? Perhaps it's a Mafia wedding. Get it, holding
a piece? A gun?
TOM: Next rest area, 50 miles. Speak now or forever hold your pee.
> The priest waited a few moments. Silence gripped the room,
MIKE: Even the silence was holding its piece.
> except for
> Lwaxana's crying. He was just about to begin when a voice cried out from the
> back,
TOM: COULD SOMEONE PLEASE SHUT LWAXANA UP?!
> "STOP THIS MARRIAGE!"
MIKE: I want to get off!
> Everyone turned around and looked at the newcomer to these
> proceeddings.
CROW: David Eddings?!
> The man had on a Starfleet uniform and looked like Riker. Deanna recognized
> him almost immediately. "That's Lieutenant Riker.
TOM: Well, duh.
MIKE: Wait a minute. First there's Admiral Riker, then there's Lieutenant
Riker... what in hell is going on?!
CROW: Well, you remember that time where there were two Enterprises, and so
there were two Rikers, and it was weird, and he was in this time
line, and... oh, Mike, I don't know.
> How did he find out?"
TOM: Well, maybe the engraved invitation tipped him off.
> The man began to walk down the aisle. "I thought this day would never
> come for you two. I always thought that you and I would get married, not
> him."
CROW (falsetto): Oh, wait, I remember now. I wanted to marry YOU, not him.
> With this he pulled out a phaser. "and for that I will kill you."
MIKE: Why? Because you... are going... to die!
> Deanna screamed and Riker tried to push her out of the way. The phaser
> shot out.
TOM: Oh, it shot out, and the ball goes to the home team.
> The beam went through Riker and hit Deanna squarely in the chest.
CROW: Like he could have missed Deanna's chest. [ MIKE whacks CROW ]
TOM: You know, Mike, the other guy used to rip Crow's arms off...
MIKE: You mean he's got detachable arms?
CROW: No!
TOM: Yeah, pretty much.
> They both were incinerated instantly. Then Lt. William Riker stuck the
> phaser in his mouth and blew his head off.
MIKE: Well, that's straight to the point.
CROW: And so exciting, too!
>
> * * *
>
> The door chime rang. On the bed, Deanna lay there unmoving.
CROW: But _not_ as stiff as a board.
> The
> chime rang again. The person outside decided that they had the authority to
> override the door.
TOM: By opening the door by the handle and coming in. Sheesh.
> She came in. Dr. Crusher looked around the room.
CROW (falsetto): Look, someone came in the room.
> When
> her eyes looked at the bed, she was shocked.
TOM: That'll teach you not to look at the bed!
> Deanna had a phaser burn.
CROW (singing): But she said it wasn't a phaser burn but a bruise...
TOM (singing): Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...
MIKE: Knock it off, you couple of Crash Test Dummies.
> Dr. Crusher ran to her bedside. After she ran a scan over her body,
> Beverly called Captain Picard.
TOM: Once again, I ask, WHOSE BODY?
MIKE: Let it rest, Tom.
> "Jean-Luc, I'm in Deanna's quarters. I think
> you'd better get down here."
CROW (falsetto): She's spinning her head around and around and bazooka-barfing
split pea soup.
> "On my way."
TOM (singing): I'm making it... Big Time!
> A few moments later Picard arrived. Dr. Crusher was bent over the
> covered body. "Yes, doctor?" he said.
MIKE: Please turn your head and cough.
> "Captain, Deanna's dead and I can't save her!"
TOM: Well, that's what happens when people are dead.
>
> CHAPTER III
MIKE: There's ANOTHER chapter?!
CROW: Don't look too shocked, Nelson, we haven't even gotten to the first
host segment yet.
>
> "Captain's Log: Supplemental. I have been getting strange reports
> from all across the ship.
TOM: Picard is a ... HEY! Whoever's writing these reports better stop!
> It seems that something has infected the crew and
> that the crew has begun to die. Dr. Crusher has no idea why this is
> occuring.
MIKE: It could be the bad spelling.
> I have also spoken to Starfleet Command.
CROW: But they won't return my calls. I don't think they want to keep going
out with me.
> We have been ordered to contiune our patrol of the Romulan Neutral zone."
MIKE: As soon as we figure out what a 'contiune' is.
> In his ready room, Picard sat and contemplated what had happened.
TOM: Well, first Terry told Tony that they were engaged but in a previous
life, then Tim and Tina broke up, but Tina's actually Terry's
half-sister on the father's side of the family, so then Trudy came
in, she's Tawny's evil twin, you see, and ...
MIKE: All this in one episode of "As The Vessel Warps."
> The two deaths of his comrades had hit him hard. Will was almost a son to
> Jean-Luc.
> Deanna was the side of Picard that he kept hidden from the rest of
> the crew.
CROW: Oh no... don't tell me...
TOM: Yep, in Picard's closet you'll find all of Deanna's uniforms.
MIKE: But sometimes you saw Picard and Deanna in two places at once...
TOM: Holograms, Mike, holograms.
> The door buzzer brought Picard back from no man's land. "Come," he
> spoke with almost no inflection in his voice.
CROW: Well, it's hard to put inflection into just one word.
> The door opened and in came Dr. Crusher. The look on her face did not
> bode well.
MIKE: Huh?
CROW: It didn't bode well.
TOM: This entire fanfic isn't boding well for me.
> She looked haggard and very tired.
TOM: Oh, no, we're not starting THIS again!!
> "Captain."
MIKE: Eskimo.
> "Please come in, sit down."
> "Thank you, Captain."
TOM: Go jump off a bridge, please.
CROW: Bite me, Captain.
> Picard tugged on his uniform jacket. "You have a report to make?"
> "Yes, I do. And you won't like it.
CROW (falsetto): It's about 180 minutes long and deals with nothing of
importance.
MIKE: Oh, she's doing a report on Spaulding Gray's new movie.
> Since Deanna's death, twenty
> four other crew members have
CROW: Gone celibate.
> died in sickbay from no apparent reasons. I
> can't find a cause or a cure.
TOM: They all had the fish.
> There is no indication of cause of death.
> They all still should be alive.
CROW: But they're not. So there!
MIKE: Some doctor Crusher is turning out to be.
> "I also did an autopsy on Deanna. From what I uncovered, Deanna was
TOM: Dead.
> shot at close range with a modified phaser."
> Picard looked at her and stared. "A modified phaser?"
CROW: Sawed-off phaser, you mean.
> "Yes. Data also agrees with me.
TOM: Only because I paid him 50 bucks.
> The weapon output was over 300
> percent more efficent than a normal phaser.
MIKE: But still had that great Phaser taste.
> Jean-Luc, except for Riker, all
> the other crew members who have died seem to be dying in their quarters.
CROW: The other who haven't died yet, well, they haven't died.
TOM: Huh?
> I think there is a murderer on board the Enterprise."
CROW: Wow. She's really quick, isn't she?
> Picard got up and walked to the window. When he looked out, he saw
> the stars slowly go by.
MIKE: Which is normal, since he _was_ on a starship which _was_ going through
space.
> When he turned again, he had a look of concern on
> his face.
TOM: Weren't those stars going by faster the last time I looked out this
window?
CROW: Get Engineering to make those stars go FASTER, dammit!
> "I'll tell Mr. Worf to start an investigation into this.
MIKE: Why? He's not Engineering.
> I hope
> you're wrong, Beverly, but it doesn't hurt
CROW: When you hit me like that. It's a good hurt.
> to make sure."
> "Thank you, Jean-Luc."
TOM: That's CAPTAIN to you!
> Beverly got up and left the room. Picard sat down in his chair again
> and called Mr. Worf to go over the investigation.
MIKE: Hercule Worf eez on zee job, monsieur.
>
> * * *
>
> Beverly went into Sickbay where several more crewmembers had died from
> this inexplicable condition.
TOM: Give it up, it's called "DEATH".
> As she checked the first of the new
> casualities, she heard a voice behind her. "Mom?"
MIKE (on helium): Mom? Is that you?!
> Beverly turned quickly. Behind her stood Wesley Crusher, who should
> have been at the Acadamy. "Wesley?"
TOM (as Wesley): Hi, Mom! I figured out what was wrong with all the people
dying and I can cure everyone AND bring everyone back to life!
CROW: Again?
MIKE: But you just did that last week!
> Wesely turned and ran out of Sickbay, almost as though he wanted his
> mother to follow him.
TOM (as Wesley): Gee, Mom, I'm outta here! Now don't try following me or
anything!
> "Wesley, come back!"
> When Beverly began to walk to the sickbay door, another voice was
> heard.
CROW: It was the director.
MIKE: Cut! This whole fanfic STINKS! We're going to do major rewrites
tonight, crew!
> The voice was of Jack Crusher, "Beverly, help me..."
TOM: I'm dead. That's why I had this Public Service Announcement made.
> Bevelry ran out of Sickbay and followed where the voice was coming
> from.
CROW: Down the hallway, to Wesley's tape player.
> She ended up in front of the cell where the now Borged Riker stood stiff.
TOM: Let's revise that sentence, okay?
MIKE: Okay: "She ended up in front of the cell when Riker stood, now bored
stiff."
TOM: Definitely better.
> His mouth was moving and Jack's voice came out. "Release me... Release
> me..."
CROW: Cool! Jack Crusher was a ventriloquist!
> Beverly became mesmerized. She had known this had happened before,
> when Riker came into sickbay. But this time Beverly was unable to break
> free.
TOM: Even though she tried really, really hard, believe you me.
> She walked twoards the cell and turned off the force field. Riker walked
> out of the cell and touched Beverly.
MIKE: Thank you for releasing me. TAG! You're it!
> Beverly collapsed and quickly fell
> asleep...
TOM: Because she was really, really TIRED, right?!
> San Francisco was so beautiful the day that
CROW: The Big One hit.
> Beverly Crusher reported
> for duty at Starfleet Medical.
MIKE: You mean she reported for duty because the day was so beautiful?
> She was sad that she wouldn't see the crew of
> the Enterprise for a long time.
TOM: Maybe NEVER, even.
> beverly walked into Starfleet Medical and
> came upon her good friend Dr. Daylen Quaice.
CROW: Eeeeeewww!!! [ MIKE rips off one of CROW'S arms ]
MIKE: Hey, they really _are_ detachable!
CROW: What?! What'd I do?!
> "Daylan, so good to see you again."
TOM (falsetto): I see you've changed the spelling of your name since we
last met.
> He hugged her long and warmly. "I'm glad you took this position
> here."
CROW: Uh... Mike, are you going to rip my other arm off?
MIKE: Just be quiet and nobody gets hurt.
> "I am too. So what have you been up to?"
> "I've been studying a new form of life that we had already
> discovered a few years ago."
TOM: If you had already discovered it a few years ago, then why is it NEW?!
> A warning bell rang in th back of Beverly's head.
CROW: WARNING! DANGER, BEVERLY CRUSHER! DANGER!!
> "Really? So what
> have you found out about it?"
> "The lifeform is considered a superior form of life. Come, I'll show
> it to you."
CROW (falsetto): They look like two white mice.
MIKE: Yes, this one is Benjy Mouse, and this here is Frankie Mouse.
> Beverly walked with Dr. Quaice until they reached his office.
TOM: Then she ran away in the opposite direction.
> When
> they walked in, Beverly knew something was wrong. Usually, Dr. Quaice was a
> very outgoing man but in his office,
MIKE: He tended to be real shy and passive.
> Beverly found nothing that suggested
> it. There was no picture of his wife or any trinket from any of the
> numerous planets he was stationed on.
CROW: Hey, he's got wall-to-wall cheesecake calendars!
> Quaice walked around to the desk and pulled out a small black case
> which looked hauntingly familiar.
MIKE: Peanut brittle?
> My god! Not again! her mind screamed
TOM: His peanut brittle always sucks!
> When the case was opened, the parasite that had invaded the Federation
> only a year before was inside.
CROW: Hi! I'm a parasite. How you doing?
> Beverly tried to get away but Dr. Quaice made sure she wasn't going
> anywhere.
TOM (singing): 'Cause I'm the Oogie Boogie Quaice and you... ain't going...
nowhere.
> The parisite walked up her arm and went into her mouth.
MIKE: Over the teeth and past the gums, look out, stomach, here it comes!
> The parisite then
> settled in her throat and began its symbiotic relationship...
CROW: I remember fondly those first few dates.
> "Captain's Log: Stardate 42003.6. We have just received a strange
> call from Dr. Crusher.
CROW (falsetto): Hi, U.S.S. Enterprise? Is your warpdrive running? Then you
better go out and catch it!
> She has decided to return to the Enterprise instead
> of staying at Starfleet Medical."
MIKE: And why not? The food's better here anyway.
> The door buzzer to Beverly's office rang. Then Picard came in.
TOM: Hi, Picard! Be prepared to be invaded!
> He knew something happened to her from the black box which carried the
> parasite was on her desk.
CROW: I'm sure something was grammatically correct in that sentence, but
unfortunately I can't figure it out.
> "Ah, Captain. So nice to see you again."
> "Beverly, what's the matter?"
> "Why nothing.
MIKE: WHY?! Do you think something's WRONG?!
> I've just been enlightened back on Earth.
CROW: Here, have a copy of the Watchtower.
> They
> discovered a lifeform they thought was superior and they asked me to bring
> it out here to do some field tests."
MIKE: Now, if she wanted to do some field tests, you'd think she'd have gone
to a FIELD, not a STARSHIP.
> Picard immediately had his phaser out.
CROW: Eew, this is turning into a bad Star Trek sexfic.
> "Beverly, what has happened to
> you?"
TOM: I found Hare Krishna.
> Instead of answering, Beverly opened the case and out came the well
> known parasite.
MIKE: Star of stage, screen, and television!
> Picard immidately fired his phaser and the alien
> disintegrated.
CROW: Wow. That was terribly exciting.
> When Picard looked back at Beverly her throat started to bulge, just like
> Remmick's had at Starfleet Headquaters.
TOM: Whoever the hell Remmick was.
> Picard set the phaser to kill and
> shot Beverly. Beverly's head exploded and the parisite in her died
> quickly...
CROW: Cool!
MIKE: Now this is just getting disturbing.
>
> * * *
>
> "Beverly... Wake up, Beverly..."
TOM: It's time for your sleeping pills.
> Lieutenat Worf stood over the prone form of Dr. Crusher.
MIKE: All spelling errors are to be casually ignored. Thank you.
> When he checked for lifesigns, there were none.
CROW: I tell you, the author's really dead tonight...
TOM: Come on, that's our cue to get out of here... [ MIKE picks up TOM
and they leave ]
1 ... 2 ... 3 ... 4 ... 5 ... 6 ... *
SCENE: Interior of the SOL. The lights are dim. CROW and TOM SERVO are
sitting by the counter.
CROW: Gosh, that's got to be some of the worst fanfic we've ever endured!
TOM: I know what you mean, Crow. Just reading it makes me feel so...
tired...
CROW: Yeah, I'm beat... so... exhausted. It will be good to have a break,
because breaks are good. [ MIKE enters in a pair of pajamas ]
MIKE: Hi, guys, I'm going to go lay down for a while before we have to watch
more of the fanfic. See you when naptime's over. [ goes off and
lies down ]
CROW: Yeah, that sounds like a great idea. I'm going to lie down right here...
[ lies down, the camera zooms in on CROW sleeping and suddenly we fade
right back to the SOL interior! CROW is awake. ]
CROW: Wow, it's such a nice day here on the SOL. I think I'll sing...
Hum dee di dee dee... hoowa, hoowa... Hum dee di dee ... [ suddenly
from behind the counter pops a large cardboard cutout of ... JOEL!
It speaks with TOM'S voice, however. ]
CARDBOARD JOEL: Crow... you gotta help me, lil' buddy...
CROW: Joel?! Is that really you? Your voice sounds so much deeper...
CARDBOARD JOEL: I'm ... we're ... you shall be assimilated!!
CROW: Nooo!! Stop it, Joel, you're taking over my mind!
CARDBOARD JOEL: I will take over your body!
CROW: Go away! You're not really Joel! Joel wouldn't do this! Stop that!
Stop it! STOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP IIIIIIIIT.... [ the scene fades
back again to the SOL, where CROW is lying down on the counter,
still screaming. TOM is whispering into his "ear". The Cardboard
Joel is nowhere to be seen. ]
CROW: Stop, Joel!!! You're not real! You're evil!
TOM: Crow, it's me, Joel... heh, heh, heh. You will listen to me. You
will give Tom Servo all of your ramchips, because he is a good and
obedient robot...
CROW: STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT! [ MIKE runs in ]
MIKE: Hey, what's all the racket? I'm trying to sleep. [ TOM darts to his
side of the counter suddenly. MIKE shakes CROW. ] Crow? Crow?
Are you OK? [ CROW wakes up ]
CROW: Oh, Mike, it was terrible! I dreamt I was in the Field of Dreams
story and J - the other guy ... showed up and tried to assimilate
me.
MIKE: Gee, that's terrible. I knew this story was going to give you
nightmares! Here, [ fishes in pocket ] have a ramchip. That'll
help you sleep better.
CROW: I feel strangely like giving it to Tom Ser ... WAIT A MINUTE!
MIKE: What?
TOM: Uh, what, Crow?
CROW: That wasn't THE OTHER GUY! That was TOM, giving me subliminal messages
in my sleep! You rotten cheating punk! [ dives towards TOM and
they start fighting. Commercial sign flashes. ]
MIKE: Looks like I'm going to have to mediate, and we got commercial sign.
[ hits Commercial sign button. ]
COMMERICAL... Penn and Teller's Open Letter to Joey Buttafuoco.
aaand Part 3 shall follow soon, with a SPECIAL GUEST WRITER!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This is a work of fiction, duh. Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its
characters are the property of Best Brains, Inc, which had nothing to do with
this post. This post is meant for entertainment purposes only and is not
intended as a personal attack on Christopher Walck or Mary, Queen of Scots.
This work is copyright (C) 1994 R. Noyes, and should not be distributed unless
all claims of authorship and such are kept intact. Of course, you wouldn't
do anything like that, would you? Of course not. We love you.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Christopher Walck:
> Will looked at a tree and then looked at Deanna. "Deanna, I love
> you."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
--
_____ spa...@titan.ucs.umass.edu
|\ /|
| O | "What did you do today? Well, we watched the stupid movie..."
|/ \| - Crow T. Robot, "Radar Men From The Moon"