MSTied: HOMOSEXUALITY IS GOD'S WILL
Dave Van Domelen
Mike: I'm really sorry, Tom....
Green Thing: <shakes in an angry-looking way. You realize it's Tom>
Mike: Lemme just clear away around your mouth.
Tom: Phaugh! Mike, remind me never to let you include me in an experiment
again!
Crow: <zips in> Hey, Tom...not easy being green, is it?
Tom: NOT FUNNY. Just remember Mike, you have to sleep, I don't.
Mike: Look, I said I was sorry...oops, Jeff and Tonya are calling. <hits button
with butt of pruning shears>
[Deep 13]
Dr.F: So, taking up a bit of gardening, Mac? Or did Joel's moldy old creations
finally sprout?
[SOL]
Mike: Joel? Is that the 'other guy' I keep hearing about?
[Deep 13]
Frank: Um, well....
Dr.F: Quiet, Frank. No need to give away more than just enough to make our
happy little temp-boy paranoid. Our invention this week is an online
Bible. But it's not like any other Bible you've ever read....oh no!
It's the Net.Loon Bible! Read them a passage, Frank.
Frank: Ahem, Exodus 304:23, "And thus the ZIONI$T peoples did CONSPIRE to take
Palestine from the innocent Turks, and verily they did not make lampshades
of themselves in celebration. But they had SINNED against God in doing
so, and God therefore denied their prayers to REORBIT Venus for them."
[SOL]
Mike: Exodus chapter 304??
[Deep 13]
Dr.F: Well, to fit in all the new material we had to expand it a bit. Um, how
long is it exactly, Frank?
Frank: Isn't that an awfully personal question?
Dr.F: FRANK!
Frank: Heh. Um, well, let's put it this way. If you printed it out onto hard
copy, on that ultrathin paper they use for normal Bibles, the stack would
reach from here in Deep 13 all the way up to...you, Mike!
Dr.F: Yes, now any crackpot can find supporting quotes in OUR Bible. And
speaking of which, your post for today is a short little piece where
a Bible-thumping type uses the Bible to prove homosexuality is the way
God intended, and heterosexuality is a sin. Yes, all the most annoying
traits of a Bible-thumper combined with those of a rabid liberal!
Frank: It's enough to make the readership of soc.motss vote Republican!
[SOL]
Mike: What about *my* invention, the Chia Bot?
Tom: Yes, Mike...what ABOUT it?
<lights flash>
ALL: AAHHHHH!! We have post sign!
<>...6...5...4...3...2...1....
> From: sd...@ins.infonet.net (Ronny)
> Newsgroups: news.groups
> Subject: HOMOSEXUALITY IS GOD WILL
Mike: Gee, news.groups certainly has gotten...diverse...lately.
Tom: Whaddya expect when some goober threatens to kill off the soc.* groups?
> Date: 14 Feb 1994 17:25:00 GMT
Crow: Happy Valentine's Day Ronny!
Tom: You sure you want a net.loon as your valentine?
Crow: Hm. Good point. Rot in hell, Ronny!
> Organization: INFOnet - Iowa Network Services, Inc.
>
> NEWS FLASH! NEWS FLASH! NEWS FLASH!
Tom: <news announcer voice> John_-_Winston's name explained, and KTLA is
THERE!
>
> Did you know that the Heterosexual Lifestyle is not God's original plan
> for mankind? Remember that God first made man: male and female!
> Afterwards God made woman!
Mike: Um, Tom...you have the QuickVerse, right? Why don't you handle this.
Tom: Sure. You see, there are two different stories of how humanity was
created, and they almost contradict each other.
Crow: Almost? They're *different* for G...er, for, well, you know.
Tom: Well, the first can be considered glossing over of the second. Anyway,
before I was so *rudely* interrupted, Ronny's first line refers to the
first story, which simply says God made man, meaning mankind, in both
the male and female denominations, but gives no details.
Mike: So basically, Ronny's misreading the passage in thinking that God made
female men?
Tom: Essentially, yes. In the alternate version, we get an expanded view of
this whole creation thing, where first man is made, but he's lonely
and doesn't support the creation of alt.sex.zoophilia, so God decides to
make woman as a "suitable companion".
> Also remember reproduction of the
> human race, as we know it, was laid out by God after man and woman
> had sinned against God's will......
Tom: BZZZT! And I quote from Genesis 2:24, *before the sinning*, right
after woman has been taken from out of man, "That is why a man leaves his
father and mother and clings to his wife, and the two of them become one
body."
Crow: Cool! You mean like Siamese Twins?
Mike: No. You'll find out when you grow up.
Tom: Like I have. The Biblical writer means that because woman was taken from
man, it's totally natural for the two to get back together, if you know
what I mean.
Crow: Rrrgggleee! Nudge nudge!
> now what do you think that sin was?
Mike: <raises hand> Oooh! Ooh! Mista Kotta! I know! It was that apple
thing, right?
> God never wanted man to have to work for a living..... man's every desire
> was to be provided by God.
Tom: If I may, at the risk of sounding pedantic....
Crow: You already do, so go ahead.
Tom: Genesis 2:15, "The Lord God then took the man and settled him in the
Garden of Eden, to cultivate and care for it." Man had to work, it just
happened to be a Kushy job.
Mike: Ew, bad Mesopotamian pun.
> After man and woman had sinned, as a
> punishment, God ordered woman to bear the burden of reproducing the
> world's population. This wasn't God's original plan for woman!
Mike: Actually, I can answer this one. As we already saw from 2:24, woman
was always supposed to bear the kids. But as punishment, she now had to
deal with labor pains and morning sickness and all that kind of stuff.
Crow: Yeah, and it was millenia before anaesthetic.
Tom: Or proper hygiene.
All: Ewwww.
>
> If the Heterosexual Lifestyle is God's will for mankind, why wouldn't God
> allow man (Joseph) to inject his sperm into Mary, the one who gave
> birth to our Savior Jesus Christ?
Crow: Because God was a jealous God still, and Mary was one hot babe!
Mike: Gee, that's kinda blasphemous, isn't it?
Crow: <proudly> Yep!
Tom: Yeah, I'm getting a bit tired with actually countering his arguments.
I wanna just make fun of him.
Mike: Okay, dears. Just don't go too far.
Crow and Tom: <evil laughter>
>
> It seems to me
Crow: <haughty voice> Oh, it seems to *you*, the great Ronny? I don't suppose
*God* has any say in it.
> that if there wasn't anything wrong with the way we
> reproduce, God would surely have insisted
Tom: On birth control for your parents.
> that man's sperm been used
> to aid in the production of Jesus Christ.
Mike: But wasn't a virgin birth a big prophetic thing back then? I mean, ya
gotta give the Big Guy a little theatrical license, right?
Tom: Yeah, anyone can be born from man and woman, but being the literal Son
of God goes a long way with the chicks!
> Oh yes, Jesus would have still
> been the son of God even though Joseph was Jesus' earthly father as
> Mary was his earthly mother.
Crow: And John_-_Winston's his unearthly cousin.
Mike: Would this have made God Jesus's Godfather then, if Joseph was the
biological father?
Tom: Well, God's certainly capable of making you an offer you can't refuse!
>
> God knew that if Mary and Joseph had sex to produce Jesus, Jesus
> would have been born into SIN! There is no way around it other than
> not allowing this act to happen!
Mike: Sure there was. I mean, Mary was without sin, why not just extend the
diplomatic immunity to Joseph too? If both are without sin, then nothing
they do reproduction-wise can be sinful, right?
Crow: Sure it can, with a little imagination and some of those carpentry tools!
Mike: Croooow....
>
> WAKE UP CALL.....
All: Znnrkt! Whoa... <assorted waking sounds>
Crow: Dozed off there for a minute.
Tom: Not too hard to do.
> it is not the GAY lifestyle that is in sin in God's eyes
Tom: Then what about Leviticus 18:22, "You shall not lie with a male as with
a woman; such a thing is an abomination."?
Mike: And from the New Testament, Romans 1:18-28, where God punishes idol
worshippers by making the men lust for other men, calling it shameful?
Crow: And the Tenth Commandment, "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's ass?"
Mike & Tom: Huh?
> ..... it is the Heterosexuals Lifestyle that is the root of Mankind's
> separation from God and his will thus it is HETEROSEXUALS who're the
> cause of all our SIN! Because, non of us would be here today without
> the sinful sexual acts of Heterosexuals.
Crow: I would!
Tom: Me too!
>
> So it is a continuing cycle of sin!
Mike: More like a continuing cycle of embarrassment and dejection.
Tom: Bad experience in college, Mike?
>
> Ronny
> sd...@ins.infonet.net
Crow: Whew, it's over.
Tom: Yeah, let's get out of here.
1...2...3...4...5...6...<>....
Mike: Well, as you can see, there's alot of danger in quoting only part of a
work to support your arguments.
Crow: Especially such a weird book as the Bible.
Tom: Yeah! All those contradictions, not to mention symbolic and allegorical
passages which have layer upon layer of meaning...no wonder it takes
scholars an entire lifetime to study it.
Crow: But who'd wanna?
Mike: Now, boys, I know your personal creator was a sleepy-eyed janitor, but
don't be too harsh on other people's beliefs.
Tom: You mean, like belief in aliens sending email?
Crow: Or belief in RU$$IAN Cosmospheres?
Tom: Or the EQUIVALENCE OF TIME AND MASS (1)?
Crow: Or that people will actually buy that stupid commercial brake?
Mike: Well, there's a difference between the lone kook's beliefs and those of
a well-established religion.
Tom: And that is...?
Mike: Insulting the latter is far more likely to get you lynched than insulting
the former. I mean, it's not like Abian can do much to us, but there's an
awful lot of humorless Christians out there, and some of them have
missiles.
Crow: Heh...I guess we shouldn't pick on that really engrossing book, the Bible
then, eh Tom?
Tom: Absolutely not. Author! Author! I'd give it thumbs up if I could.
Mike: Well, good. <lights flash> Hey, there's something outside. Cambot,
give me rocket number nine!
[external shot: large cheesey prop planet is rapidly approaching the SOL]
[SOL]
Mike: AAA! It's Abian, reorbiting Venus at us! I guess he *can* get back at
us! Sirs?
[Deep 13, printout is everywhere. Somewhere a printer buzzes]
Dr.F: Frank! the hard copy thing was just to make a point! I didn't mean you
should try and print out the damnable thing! Oh, look what's happening
now. <disgust in voice> Frank, move the Satellite before Abian's planet
hits it. Or else I'll send *you* up next. Oh, and push the button.
[button is pushed. Whoosh.]
Frank: Hey, look! God voted for JFK!
[roll credits. Disclaimer - this is not intended as an attack on the
homosexual lifestyle, but rather on the idiot who went to such lengths to try
and justify it. As such, it is a personal attack. Deal with it, pink boy.]
Dave Van Domelen, "Remember, God first made man: male and female!"
Larry Hastings
>> From: sd...@ins.infonet.net (Ronny)
>> it is not the GAY lifestyle that is in sin in God's eyes
>Tom: Then what about Leviticus 18:22, "You shall not lie with a male as with
> a woman; such a thing is an abomination."?
>Mike: And from the New Testament, Romans 1:18-28, where God punishes idol
> worshippers by making the men lust for other men, calling it shameful?
>Crow: And the Tenth Commandment, "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's ass?"
This is the best line in your MSTing. Is that an original?
>Mike: Well, as you can see, there's alot of danger in quoting only part of a
> work to support your arguments.
>Crow: Especially such a weird book as the Bible.
"The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 to
heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals,
just that they need more supervision."
--Lynn Lavner
--
larry hastings, the galactic funkster, funk...@echo.com
"You are ze _cleaner_ of ze Montgolfier brothers!" --Monty Python
Dave Van Domelen
Larry Hastings <funk...@echo.echo.com> wrote:
>dva...@magnus.acs.ohio-state.edu (Dave Van Domelen) writes:
Sadly, no. It popped up a while ago in a reply to Clarence Thomas IV's
infamous post. A few guys went on at length about it. }-> I *was* tempted to
be even raunchier and have Crow misread it as 'cover' instead of 'covet' but
decided against it.
>
>"The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 to
> heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals,
> just that they need more supervision."
> --Lynn Lavner
Nah, just that once you say they're evil and must die, you really don't
need to say any more. It's harder to deal with people you're letting live. }->
Dave Van Domelen, sometimes ya just gotta be cruel to be cruel.