MiSTed: The Rangers of NIMH (4/4)

[Håkan Svensson]

(Continued from part 3)

[Interior, SoL. Mike is working on repairing Tom Servo. There are now
waffles almost everywhere.]

MIKE: There, that should do it.

[As Mike finishes screwing Tom's head back on, Tom wakes up with a jerk
and begins to fly aimlessly around the screen, screaming like a madman.]

TOM: AAAAAAAAAAAGH! NOOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOO! NO!
MIKE: Relax, Tom.
TOM: NOOOOO! NOOOOOOOOOO! AAAAAAAAGH!
MIKE: It's over, Tom. The fanfic can't hurt you any more.

[Tom stops flying]

TOM: [much calmer] Really?
MIKE: Not really. But I'm pretty sure it can't get any worse.
TOM: [resumes flying] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH! NOOOOOOOO! TURN ME OFF! TURN
ME OFF!!!
MIKE: [to Crow] Has Tom ever been like this before?
CROW: Only once. I think is was during...

[The Mads light starts blinking. Mike presses it.]

MIKE: Great, now Madame Medusa and Sloops are calling.

[Deep 13]

PEARL: It seems my son has a little announcement to make. Why don't you tell
them what you have in mind, Clayton?

[Pearl drags Dr. Forrester on screen by his ear.]

DR. F: Ouch! I'm, I'm sorry for... OW! I want to apolo... apogo...
PEARL: [pulls harder on Dr. Forrester's ear] Spit it out, Clayton!
DR. F: YOW! I'm really, really sorry for the fanfic that I sent you. It
was -- OW! -- much too evil for me to handle and I should never have
sent it to you.
PEARL: There, now was that so hard? Now, go to bed and you'll get no
supper!
DR. F: [quietly] Yes, mom.

[SoL. Tom has returned to normal.]

TOM: [hopefully] Does that mean we don't have to read the rest of it?

[Deep 13]

PEARL: You've got to be joking. Just because it's too evil for my son
doesn't mean it's nearly evil enough for me! [She presses a button.]

[SoL. Lights are flashing, buzzers are buzzing.]

ALL: NOOOOOOOOOO! WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIGN!
TOM: I have a feeling I'll grow up to really hate this woman.

[ 6 ... 5 ... 4 ... 3 ... 2 ... 1 ]

> ___________________________
>
> A pair of backpacks were tied to Jonathan and Gadget's backs.
> Each pack had a hose connected to an arcade game looking gun.

CROW: Red and blue plastic?

>
> "These air blasters spray out a quick hardening glue that can
> stop anyone in there tracks. Unless they untie there shoes..

TOM: Well, *that* sounds like a great invention!

> That's
> just a small problem. It should buy us enough time." Gadget smiled.

MIKE: That was one loud smile!

>
> "Ready, JB?" Gadget started the engine on the Ranger Mobile.
>
> "It's show time." JB gave her a thumbs up.

CROW: Up where?

>
> The Ranger Mobile wheelied out of its garage at top speed and
> zipped out to open road.
>
> "Rescue Rangers Away!!"

TOM: Mastadon Lion Thunderzord Power!

> The two mice shouted as they traveled
> side-by-side after Zipper, who was leading them to the building the
> others were trapped in.

CROW: So Gadget, who can barely walk with her foot, and Jonathan, who just
woke up from a coma, are coming to the rescue?
MIKE: I think to. I'm not quite sure.

>
> Mr. Ages walked out of the tree and waved his cane in the air.
> "Hey what about me!!" He grumbled and walked in the same direction.

CROW: Lethargic Mouse to the rescue!

>
>
> _________________________________
>
>

TOM: The *exhausting* pace of this fanfic is leaving me breathless.
CROW: Hey, I actually liked this part!

> Chip awakes with a moan. "....oh my head what happened?"

MIKE: Someone put a brain in it. Don't worry, you'll get used to it.

> He
> looks around but his friends aren't there. Chip walks up to the edge
> of the cage and looks threw the bars. "DALE? MONTEREY?"

TOM: KANEDA!!
CROW: TETSUO!!

>
> "Hey mate over here." Monty waves behind a cage. "Chip? Chip
> I'm right here." Dale waves from another cage.

MIKE: What is the sound of one hand waving?

>
> "Are you guys ok?" Chip yelled out. "Besides this splitting
> headache. I'm fine." Monty said from his cage. Dale nodded also.

TOM: SLEEEP!

>
> Nimnul walks up and looks at Chip threw the bars. "Ah, so the
> leader is awake." He looks at the other two cages. "And your
> friends to." Nimnul looks at Chip. "Your not going to stop me this
> time."

TOM: [Blofeld] We meet again, Mr. Chip...

>
> Chip yelled out something which to Nimnul was just some squeaks.

TOM: So, Nimnul's arch enemies are rodents he doesn't even know are
intelligent?
MIKE: Not exactly the most threatening villain, is he?

>
> "Well to what ever you said thank you." Nimnul walks away from
> the cages. "I suppose your wondering what I am up to. If you
> haven't figured it out all ready. Well I'll tell you anyways..."

MIKE: Yes, he have "bad-guy-reveals-everything-before-getting-his-butt-
kicked" scene!

> He
> looks at the cages with rats. "All of you."

CROW: No! Please don't!

>
> "It started a long time ago. I was young I had hair

MIKE: ...dinosaurs roamed the earth.

> and a job at
> The National Institute of Mental Health. NIMH as people call it
> today was having money problems. My instructor Dr. Smith who was the
> head of the team was under a lot of pressure.

TOM: There's too much pressure! Oh, the pain! The pain!

> The team cut corners
> to save money and acquired animals for testing, most of which died.
> There was hope. We were on the verge of a break threw. Project "Get
> Smart." they called it....."

CROW: [Nimnul] Our plan was to see if Nick at Nite reruns affected IQ.

> Nimnul talked for a long time explain
> what happened.

MIKE: If he's explaining the story, he has my sympathy.

> "When the heads found out about the missing rats. We
> where ordered to destroy all the animals and the formula itself. I
> knew that such a formula could help me change the world.

TOM: Nimnul must be stopped! He'll cure brain cancer and mental illnesses
otherwise!

> So I tried
> to steal it." Nimnul face looked angry. "Those fouls!

MIKE: NIMH is headed by skunks?
TOM: That would explain a lot.

> They locked
> me away in a mental institution. But soon I will have the formula
> and I'll show them ALL!."

CROW: Mad scientist's speech provided by Edward D. Wood, Jr.

> Nimnul pressed a button and a robot hand
> came down and grabbed a rat out of a cage. "Don't worry this won't
> hurt much."

TOM: [Nimnul] It's only a brain transplant! Quit whining!

> Another arm came down with a needle.
> _____________________________
>
> The robot hand did its business with a very ungrateful rat

CROW: Is this a dirty line or is my mind in the gutter?
MIKE: Your mind's in the gutter, Crow.

> and
> unceremoniously threw him in Chip's cage.
>
> "Damn that guy! I hope there's a cat big enough to eat him . . .

TOM: [Chanting] Please, let this not be a Lion King crossover. Please, let
this not be a Lion King crossover.

> Hey, aren't you Chip?"
>
> Another rat joined in: "Yeah, you're Chip, from the Rescue
> Rangers. Humph, looks like you need rescuing yourself dude."

CROW: You know, that line was almost... witty.
MIKE: Crow, I think the fanfic has finally pushed you over the edge.

>
> And a third: "Hey guys, check it: We've got a Disney Toon in
> our midst! Welcome to Bluth-land!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!"

MIKE: You know, there actually is one in Japan.
TOM: What do they do there? Lock visitors in cages and force them to
watch "Thumbelina"?

>
> By now Chip was feeling read in his face.

TOM: [Chip] I *knew* I shouldn't have slept face down in the newspaper
again!

>
> A fourth rat were gossiping with Monty below. "No kidding? [Out
> loud] Hey guys!! These are the ones Jonathan was sent to!! JB's
> with them!!"

MIKE: "We're doomed!!"

>
> "Jonathan Brisby's a Rescue Ranger?!? No wonder the show got
> canceled!!"

TOM: Nice to finally see some introspection from the writers.
CROW: Have you already forgotten the bunny suit bit?
TOM: What bit?

>
> "He's gonna bust us out!! Paaaaarty!! Woof-woof-woof-woof!!"

MIKE: Tom, I apologise for telling you that this fanfic couldn't get any
worse.
TOM: No! I won't forgive you!

>
> "Excellent!!" A pair above chip played an air guitar like Bill
> and Ted.

ALL: AAAAAAAAAAARGH!!
TOM: MAKE IT STOP! MAKE IT *STOP*!
CROW: This fanfic is *evil*.

>
> The first rat returned to Chip. "You guys are with the Briz?!"
> He gets into a worshipal kneel and shouts "We're not worthy!" like
> Wane's World.

TOM: So, let me get this straight: the NIMH formula which was supposed to
bestow increased intelligence and problem-solving abilities on the
rats in reality turned them into a mob of rodent versions of Beavis
and Butthead?
CROW: Aah, science!

>
> "Jonathan Brisby? Ain't he's supposed to be dead?"

MIKE: YES, but no one told the authors!

>
> "I THOUGHT WE TOLD YOU TO KEEP THAT REJECT QUIET, BRUTIS?!?!"

TOM: [Scotty] Captain, she canna take it much longer! The punctuation
generators are overloading, and I'm running out of capital letters!

>
> Chip asked, "Who was it you wanted quiet?"

ALL: THE AUTHORS!

>
> He was answered by a rousing chant ringing in his ears:

MIKE: Ommmm...
TOM: Ommmm...
CROW: Ommmm...

>
> "THROW OUT THE BRAIN!!"

MIKE: I'd be happy to! If I did, this story wouldn't hurt me. Are any of you
two programmed to perform brain surgery?
CROW: Nope.
TOM: I am, but my arms don't work.
MIKE: Darn.

> "THROW OUT THE BRAIN!!"

CROW: I just had the strangest sensation -- as if pure terror went
shivering through my spine.
MIKE: Crow, you don't *have* a spine.
CROW: I *know*! That's what's so strange!

> "THROW OUT THE BRAIN!!"

TOM: You know, if David Gonterman and Paul Lapensee had half a brain each,
it would be quite an improvement.

> "THROW OUT THE BRAIN!!"

CROW: [hysterical] ENOUGH ALREADY!

>
> Suddenly, the big headed Warner Brother's famous lab mouse is
> sent sailing the full length of the lab to the roar of the crowd.

CROW: Forgive me. I wish the chanting had never stopped.

> ______________________________
>
> When Nimnul got beaned with the mouse, even more shouts of
> approval came from the rodents.

MIKE: He scores! And the crowd goes wild.
BOTS: [dully] Yay.

>
> "HEY!! How did *you* get out? I don't care if you *do* come
> from one of our competitors,

MIKE: Since when did Nimnul become a Disney employee?
TOM: Well, he certainly acts as if he was in Disney's legal department.

> you're going back in your--"
>
> It was at this point where Nimnul opened the door to the lab,
> only to find it taken over by the rats. One of them found an
> electronic organ

ALL: Ewwwwwwwwwwww!

> and is playing it like it was in the Aneheim Pond.

ALL: Eeeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!

> Four rats have made tazers out of pain-inducing equipment

TOM: Hardcopies of this fanfic?
MIKE: Now, *that's* cruel and unusual punishment.

> and were
> playing Doom in the maze, with Pinky dressed up as Mickey as the lone
> monster to hunt and harass.

CROW: This is *so* much more than I ever wanted to find out about the
writers' fantasies, thank you very much!
MIKE: Ah, how I long for the carefree days of "Enterprized"...

> A white mouse that looked like Mickey
> himself after a dip in talc

TOM: Ross Perot is back -- and this time it's personal!

> was giving the play by play while a line
> of several lady rats were doing cheerleader routines.

CROW: Was this bit supposed to be the comic relief?

> And all around
> were almost 50 rats, mice, chipmunks, gerbils, and other various
> rodents running amuck like the Warner Brothers, breaking stuff,
> defacing notes, learning how to program the laptop,

MIKE: In other words, a totally normal school class with a substitute
teacher.

> and in general
> dedicated on making the life of their captor a living hell.

TOM: Along with us!
MIKE: [chanting] I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the
little-death that brings total obliteration...

>
> Nimnul tried for one full minute in a futile attempt to return
> the rodents into their cages, but they already found out how the
> latch works and they get out almost as fast as they were put in.

TOM: Isn't it a bit dumb for NIMH to use locks they *know* the rats can
pick?
CROW: Yes, folks, NIMH are really *that* stupid!

> However, he didn't realize this folly until a rodent in a black
> leather jacket was giving him the Andrew Dice Clay Mother Goose
> routine on his nose.

CROW: Mike, did the authors finally go off the deep end?
MIKE: I hope to God they did! If any sane person could produce this...
ALL: [shudder]

>
> "Ye Cats. I underestimated these rodents. There so human-like,
> it's scary. Not to mention having developed wicked senses of humor.

TOM: "Wicked." Yeah, that's one word for it.
CROW: "Mind-bogglingly dumb" would be more appropriate, though.

> ALL RIGHT THAT'S ENOUGH! BACK IN YOU CAGES!"
>
> There was some booing and a rotten tomato hit Nimnul in the face.

TOM: The rotten tomato! Every serious research lab must have one!

>
> "Oooo... TALK ABOUT ASKING FOR IT!" Nimnul grabs his aging ray
> and aims it at Chip. "All right, who wants to see what the leader of
> the Rescue Rangers would look like a hundred years from now in human
> years."

CROW: I don't think anyone would notice. Chip and Dale are over 50 already!

>
> A rat yelled. "That would be cool <BONK>" Another rat knocked
> him over.

MIKE: Mr. Nameless Rat, please met Mr. Nameless Rat.
TOM: [Nameless Rat] How do you do.
CROW: [Nameless Rat] Pleased to meet you.

> Like a very restless audience they started to quiet down
> and climb back into there cages.

TOM: Because that is just the thing a very restless audience would do.

>
> "Good stay that way. Once I take over the world. I send you
> rats to a remote island... after all I can't very well destroy what I
> helped create."

CROW: No, Nimnul, you can!
TOM: And you can do it really soon! Just END THIS FANFIC!

>
> Nimnul clean the control panel and sat down only to have a
> whoopee cushion go... <BBBBLLLLAAAAPPPP>

MIKE: I know this brand of humor! Lapensee and Gonterman wrote the script
for "Ace Ventura 2," didn't they?

> _______________________________
>
> The Ranger Mobile rounds a corner on it's rear wheels.
>
> "Hey Gadget," Jonathan nudges his partner's shoulder, "are you
> going to wheelie all the way there?"

CROW: [Gadget] Well, once I get the cast my foot is in off the accelerator,
things will get better.

>
> "Oops! Sorry."

MIKE: [Gadget] You can drive with *four* wheels? Gosh!

>
> Gadget sets the front end down, finally, to show a building
> rising in the distance. Zipper was pointing to it.
>
> "There they are, Gadge!"

CROW: Either the authors are signaling that Gadget and Jonathan are close
enough friends now to call each other nicknames...
TOM: Unlikely.
CROW: ...or they just misspelled Gadget.
TOM: *Very* likely.

>
> "We've gotta be careful about this point.

MIKE: Yeah, we wouldn't want a plot point to occur or anything.

> Professor Nimnul's got
> as many tricks up his sleeve as you do."
>
> "You told me. A weather making machine, hypnotic music boxes,
> more robotic hands than Doctor Octopus, what next?

TOM: [Gadget] I'll never sit next to him in a dark theater again!

> Giant stone
> creatures with wings? [Jonathan notices a huge shadow from above.]
> Speak of the devil . . ."

CROW: Don't, you'll summon the authors.

>
> Gadget looks up. "Oh him! That's no Gargoyle. That's David
> Zanatos, Disney's new go getter. He gets in a cool-looking Gargoyle-
> like suit of armor and fly around every other day. . .

MIKE: Standard procedure among Disney executives, I believe.

> I think I can
> make one for myself . . ."

TOM: Yes, but for God's sake *WHY*?

> ______________________________
>
> Nimnul spots the Ranger Mobile from his binoculars about the time
> that Brain was shoved in the Doom maze in Minnie's polka dotted
> dress.

CROW: The Brain... in Minnie's... polka dotted dress?
MIKE: [pounds head on floor] This is not happening. [pounds head on floor
again] This is not happening.

> It was about that time that three more rats joined in the
> hunt saying that they will punish the two heretics who commit
> copyright infringement most foul.

TOM: Well, it's about *time* someone punished David Gonterman and Paul
Lapensee.
MIKE: [thump] This is not happening. [thump] This is not happening.

>
> Nimnul's prancing around at his discovery catches the notice of
> Chip, who temporarily peeled himself off a pretty rat in a string
> bikini to report.

TOM: [Chip] Sorry. I thought you were Dale.
MIKE: [thump] This is not happening. [thump] This is not happening.
CROW: Stop doing that, Mike. You'll ruin the floor!

> "I think Nimnul just spotted JB and Gadget!!
> They're coming!!"

CROW: Wow, their relationship sure went far!
MIKE: [gets up from the floor] Hey! I may be weakened, but I'm still
watching you, Crow.

>
> The mob cheers in gladness "J-B-J-B-J-B-J-B"

MIKE: Ladies and gentlemen, let's give a big hand to the godfather of funk!
CROW: [singing] Ain't no drag -- Papa's got a brand new bag!

>
> Monterey turns to Brutis, who started a cheese raid party to
> climb Nimnul's fridge right behind his back.

MIKE: Wait a minute. Wasn't Brutus the guard who tried to chop Ms. Brisby
in half?
TOM: I think so.
MIKE: So, how much sense would it make for him to go on a cheese raid
party?
TOM: About as much sense as the rest of this fanfic.
MIKE: Oh. Thanks.

> "I do hope they'll take
> their time. I don't want to miss the cheddar--yummers!!"

CROW: Hey, that's characterization! What's it doing in this fanfic?

>
> Brutis nods in approval, while Dale can be seen with twins over
> his shoulder.

MIKE: Oh, no! It's Schwarzenegger trying to make a comedy!
BOTS: NOOO!

>
> One of the pair speaks to the other, "Y'know, Kei, I wonder if it
> was wise to leave such a hunk like JB with Gadget?"
>
> "Yeah, Yuri. I wouldn't be surprised if the two were found in
> bed together at least once up to now! <g>"

TOM: Great. Now I think *we're* tripping, too!
CROW: I feel ill.

>
> At that Dale shot upright with a "WHAAAAT?!?" but is promptly
> subdued into his original shrooming mood by the two tickling rats.
> "I could get to like this.."

CROW: Ratstock, 1969!
TOM: Groovy!

>
> Nimnul shoos away enough rats to safely activate the weather
> making machine. The Dice Clay mouse went to give him the bird but
> Nimnul zapped him. "A TV-PG is enough!"

MIKE: This fanfic is NC-C -- Not suitable for children under the age of
100.

> ____________________________
>
> Jonathan peers ahead with Gadget's homemade binoculars. "I just
> spotted a guy. Old, Bald, Short and Nutty. He's riding . . . a
> cloud?!"

MIKE: [Jonathan] Like, cool. Pass me the bong again.

>
> "That must be Nimnul. He knows we're coming, I guess."
>
> "Jeez, leave it to Disney to want a Nutty Professor with a Care
> Bear fetish.

CROW: Please, take this story to alt.sex.plushies where it belongs!
TOM: And what would *you* know about that?
CROW: What, me? I only read it for the articles.

> Wait a minute, he just pulled a leve . . ."
>
> Jonathan's voice was temporarily drowned out with a sound of a
> freight train from behind the two mice.

TOM: Only temporarily. As we all know, mice are usually louder than freight
trains.

>
> "Twister!!"

MIKE: Right arm on red!

>
> "Gun it Gadget!!"

TOM: Always obedient, Gadget shot Jonathan in the head with a .44 Magnum.
The end.

>
> "Golly, they make one movie on tornados, and *everybody* wants in
> on the act!!"

CROW: Well... There was "Twister," and then there was... this fanfic, I
suppose.

>
> "RIGHT!! . . ."

ALL: LEFT!

>
> The tornado throws whatever it can grab at the tiny hair drier
> driven car.

CROW: Do they mean the Ranger Mobile?
MIKE: Maybe. I'm not quite sure.

>
> "Yeah, even The Walt Disney Company--LEFT!!"

TOM: Big surprise there...

>
> But Gadget shows off her excellent driving skills as she dodges
> the falling debris like an Indy champ, just as a Gargoyle-like suit
> of armor falls just inches behind the back bumper.

CROW: It only fell inches? Doesn't sound threatening to me.

>
> The suit removes the helmet to expose a face too familiar to Star
> Trek fans, as Zanatos yells, "NIMNUL!! I'M GOING TO KICK YOUR
> [CENSORED] FOR THIS!!"

MIKE: [Zanatos] Your censoring will have a big footprint in it, you betcha!

>
> Gadget remains transfixed on getting to her destination alive.
> "I think the worst is over, JB."

MIKE: I hoped the worst would be over too, but every time I did so, THE
FANFIC GOT WORSE!
CROW: Easy, Mike. I don't think it gets worse than this.

>
> "Normally Gadget Love, I'd agree with you, but Nimnul icing up
> the driveway ahead of us is greatly influencing my judgement!!"
>
> One final falling chunk of debris--"So *that's* what happened to
> the ThunderZord"

ALL: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
CROW: You were right, Mike. The fanfic *got* worse.

> --shatters to the ground in front of the Ranger
> Mobile, just as the front wheels reach No Traction Land.

TOM: Hi, you have just reached No Traction Land. Anything to declare?

>
> "And me without an E-Ticket--WHOOOOOOAH!!"
>
> The car spins out of control, goes up some sheet metal like an
> air ramp, flies through a window and lands on Pinky and the Brain in
> the Doom maze.

CROW: Whatever. Just *end it*!

>
> "Whoo!! Definitely an E-Ticket!!"

MIKE: More like a speeding ticket. May we please see your license and
registration?

> _________________________________________
>
> "Golly!" Gadget said as she looked at all the cages. Jonathan
> looked also. "So that's what happened to the missing Rats."

TOM: Missing rats? There were missing rats?
CROW: We interrupt the story for the latest plot development...

>
> "Gadget, JB over here!" Chip yelled from a cage. The two mice
> hopped out of the maze and climbed up to Chip.

TOM: Weren't Gadget and Jonathan badly injured just some chapters ago?
MIKE: The authors just don't care, and I don't either.

>
> "Chip are you all right." Gadget asked.
>
> "I'm fine and so is the rest of us." He said. Jonathan looked
> at him.

CROW: Whoa! Something almost happened there! Let's slow the story down
with scenes of the characters looking at each other.

>
> "Not to worry we'll get you out of here."
>
> Nimnul saw Jonathan when he entered the lab and ran for the robot
> hand machine.

CROW: The Hands of...
TOM: [Interrupting] Don't finish that sentence!

>
> "JB LOOK OUT!" Chip yelled.
>
> Jonathan and Gadget sees the approaching robot hands and starts
> firing with their glue guns.

MIKE: [Gadget] Let's hope the robot doesn't untie its shoes!

> Within minutes, the entire robotic hand
> machine was rendered inert by the glue clogging up the joints.

CROW: The machine which runs on bongs.

> Unfortunately they haven't noticed two human hands from behind.

TOM: Unfortunately for whom? I'd be *glad* to see this end.

>
> Nimnul grabs Jonathan with his chubby hand, and brings him up to
> his face. Jonathan was squirming and cussing him out in mouse
> squeaks.

MIKE: He's like R2-D2 -- they just can't stop using the bleeper on him!

>
> "Jeez, young man, such language," Nimnul scolds him.

TOM: Oh yeah? Well, squeak, squeak, squeak to you, too!

> "You'll
> never make it into Disney with a mouth like that! And to think
> you're the next Mickey Mouse!"

MIKE: ...would be an incredibly stupid idea.

>
> Jonathan responds by biting the index finger.

CROW: Aw, Bite me!

>
> "Ow!! Why you little!!"
>
> That made Nimnul ease his grip, and JB squirms out of his hand.
> He stands on Nimnul's fist in a fighting stance,

TOM: So, Jonathan escapes from Nimnul's hand to Nimul's fist. Okay.

> his amulet glowing
> bright red.
>
> "THAT STONE AGAIN!! You're the mouse I've seen before!! Give it
> to me!!"
>
> Nimnul grabs Jonathan in his fist.

MIKE: And the two shake hands.

>
> "I'll give it to you, all right . . ."
>
> The amulet's power sears into the hand, setting it on fire.

CROW: This is almost an action sequence! Let's add a lot of paragraph
breaks so that it doesn't get too exciting.

>
> Naturally, the professor is screaming in pain.

ALL: Naturally!

>
> He lets Jonathan go, a good three feet in the air.

CROW: As opposed to three bad feet in the air.

>
> Gadget screams as she sees him fall.
>
> Jonathan ignites a smoke bomb below him and falls into it.

TOM: Yes, *that* will soften the fall!

>
> The smoke spills into the floor and disperses, not revealing if
> anyone has hit the ground.

MIKE: I don't think "What you don't know won't hurt you" can be applied to
this particular situation.

>
> Gadget races into the fog to find the body, but her groping
> around wasn't successful.

CROW: ...since she was accused of sexual harassment.

>
> Until she finds her lips caress a warn nose. Almost instantly
> her face feels that warm glow.

MIKE: Of too much cheap gin.
TOM: How could she be feeling around and not know he's there until she
practically bites his nose off?

>
> "Why Gadget Love, I didn't suspect you to be *this* romantic."

ALL: Ewwwwwwwwwww!

>
> She falls into her arms, relieved that he's still alive, as the
> fog disperse to reveal the two.

TOM: David Gerrold's 'The Mouse Who Folded Herself'.

>
> -------------------------------------------------
>
> The was kissing noises from Dale's cage. The fog clears and Dale
> is seen covered in lip stick.

ALL: Ewwwwwwwwww!
TOM: First Chip is scared of girls, now Dale's a transvestite. I *really*
hate this fanfic.

> "Boy and I always thought Foxglove was
> the only one who wanted a piece of me."

MIKE: I'd settle for his head myself.

> Chip on the other hand was
> trying to get the rat off

ALL: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!

> of him so he could see what just happened
> with Gadget and Jonathan.
>
> Nimnul coughed in the smoke as he searched for something. The
> smoke cleared and he turned to see. All the rats, mice and chipmunks
> are standing in a army fashion.

MIKE: Military gear looks really nice on rodents.

> In front of them was JB and the
> Rescue Rangers leading. JB's amulet glows like a spotlight on the
> professor.

CROW: Shouldn't Jonathan be burnt out by now from using the amulet?
MIKE: You're assuming this fanfic has something vaguely resembling
continuity.
CROW: Sorry. My mistake.

>
> Strangely, the mouse can now be heard speaking human English.
> "Professor Norton Nimnul, my name is Jonathan Brisby a descendent of
> *THE* Jonathan Brisby from NIMH.

TOM: Are you *the* Jonathan Brisby?
CROW: No, I'm *a* Jonathan Brisby. Don't you know I come in six packs?

> And in the name of the RATS we will
> punish you."
>
> Everybody looked at him, as one large drop of sweat falls off his
> cheek. "I.. I couldn't think of anything else."

TOM: What a surprise.

>
> Nimnul took one look at Jonathan and was rolling on the floor in
> laughter. "Get a load of this, A hot shot rookie mouse thinks he can
> take out an established Disney Character, and with what? A line from
> some Japanimation show and an over-glorified hot glue gun?!"

CROW: [Jonathan] Hey! That was the only thing the authors could come up
with.

>
> PHUT-PHUT!!

MIKE: Forthefunofit!

>
> "Weeeell, we can tryyyyyy..."
>
> Nimnul eyeglasses were covered with glue.

TOM [Nimnul]: D'oh! That didn't go well for me at all, did it?

>
> At first he laughs, despite being blinded. "If you intend to
> make it an 'TV-M,' mouse, you meed to pack more than just glue . . .

MIKE: [looking at both bots] Not a word.

> now where's that CD to wreck the whole city and every mouse in it
> to--WHOOOOAAA!!"

CROW: Please! I thought we *burnt* all Hanson CDs already!

>
> Nimnul just slipped on the thousands of red balls that Jonathan
> was making to appear machine-gun style. As he was falling, his pants
> were ripped off him by a well-placed hook. He was wearing heart-
> dotted boxers underneath, but . . .

CROW: Nimnul almost revealed *his* secret of NIMH there!

>
> "Whoa!!" Jonathan shouts. "We almost made that rating there!!
> Who-whooo!! I think we should quit before we *really* get into
> trouble!!"

TOM: Then, I think you should have quit during the first chapter.

>
> With the last bit of determination he had left, he manages to
> grab the one remaining vial of plasma by-product and starts to run
> out of the lab with it and his life.

CROW: Why would Jonathan do such a thing?
MIKE: I think "he" refers to Nimnul.

> "Behold The Secret Of NIMH and
> now it's MINE!!!--OOOFFF!!"
>
> That's when he ran into a brick wall, in the form of a Commander
> Riker look-alike

CROW: It's Libido, with his special friend Thanatos!

> in a Gargoyle suit walks in the lab, not looking
> happy in the least.
>
> Nimnul was in shock.

TOM: [Nimnul] No! Anything but Commander Riker!

>
> "whoa . . . it's Zannie . . . heh-heh." Jonathan started his
> Bevis and Butthead impression. "Zannie's cool . . . Can I be in your
> gang? huh-huh-huh . . ."

ALL: [cringe in their seats]
TOM: Kill him now. Please!

>
> Zanatos grabbed the short professor and grabbed the vial from his
> hand and looked at it. "Correction, the secret is now the property
> of Xanatos Enterprises.

TOM: Wasn't his name Zanathos?
MIKE: Whatever. I just don't care any more.

> I did buy out NIMH a long time ago but I was
> short of this one prize. Also there is the small madder of the my
> cracked windshield in which your tornado caused.

TOM: I would just like to point out that the grammar here beats most
previously known records for awfulness. Thank you.

>
> "Oh gosh . . . I'm sorry, Mr. Zanatos . . . sir . . ."

CROW: [Nimnul] I didn't know Gargoyle armors had windshields!

>
> "heh-heh-heh huh-huh," Jonathan continued his Bevis and Butthead
> impersonation. "You want me to kick his tail for you, sir?"

MIKE: You know, in some warped sense, this is a fitting finale to the rest
of this fanfic.

>
> "No, rodent." Oblivious to the fact that he just addressed a
> mouse, Zanatos cracks his knuckles. "That won't be necessary."

CROW: [Zanathos] Mostly because he doesn't *have* a tail.

>
> He then proceeds to take Nimnul aside to beat the living snot out
> of him as the lab subjects walk unchallenged out the front door and
> back to their free lives.

TOM: The end. Thank you, you've been a great audience.

> Off in the distance, Brooklyn can be seen

MIKE: The Rangers of NIMH is shot on location in New York City.

> in his part-time job as a night-time aerial photographer for the
> news.

TOM: [desperately] How much longer *is* this thing?

> He videotapes Zanatos dragging this short scientist out and
> performing what the Gargoyle thinks is a Killer Instinct 2 Ultimate
> Combo...

CROW: ...but was actually something from "Brutal: The Paws of Fate."

>
> Xanatos picked up the professor.

TOM: Is it Xanathos or Zanathos? Feel free to make up your mind any minute
now!

> "You now work for me
> UNDERSTAND!"
>
> The battered professor nodes. "Is this a promotion Sir?"

MIKE: [Zanathos] Let's see... You're a thief, you're performed nothing
useful in your life, and you have no moral concerns whatsoever. How
does CEO of Disney sound to you?

>
> "Considering your talents where wasted on trying to rule the
> world when I all ready do. Yes..." Zanatos jet packs kick in and he
> flies away carrying Professor Nimnul by the foot who screams in the
> air.

TOM: Gee, Nimnul sure has loud feet!

>
> Pinky and The Brain look around. "There gone, now's are chance
> to get back to the lab and prepare for tomorrow night."

CROW: [Pinky] Egad, Brain, what are we gonna do tomorrow night?
MIKE: [The Brain] We'll GET US OUT OF THIS FANFIC!

>
> Pinky looks at him. "And I thought we where going to Disney
> land."

TOM: Ladies and gentlemen: The one line in this fanfic that is *almost*
in character. Enjoy it while it lasts.

>
> "No Pinky, there too powerful. Especially that Jonathan Brisby."
>
> "But he's not a Disney Toon, Brain."
>
> "No matter. We must plan quickly before they buy not only him,
> but eventually the rest of the world."

CROW: I think it's MicroSponge you should be afraid of, Brain!

> ___________________________
>
> "What?" Chip said as he cared his lugged to the door.

TOM: Dew knot trussed yore spell chequer two fined all miss takes.

>
> Mr. Ages smiled. "I spiked the vial. Nimnul got the naturalized
> formula instead, its worthless.

MIKE: [Mr. Ages] But it still managed to become a U.S. citizen.

> I used Gadget's blood as the final
> ingredient and it worked."

CROW: [Mr. Ages] With all the drugs in it, there had to be something there
that worked.

>
> "Golly that's means now we can recreate the formula for others
> and make the world a better place for animals."

MIKE: Yes! Let's turn the world's animals into braindead Beavis and
Butthead-clones!

> Gadget said looking
> at Jonathan who had his arm around her.
>
> Jonathan smiled. "In time Gadget love."

MIKE: Awww! The romance scene! Isn't it cute?
CROW: You're right. It isn't cute.

>
> Chip looked around. "Come on Dale are ride will be here soon.
>
> "I'll be out in a minute Chip." Dale grabs the last of his
> comics

TOM: They're *graphic novels*!

> and stuffs them into his luggage. He finds a picture of
> Foxglove signed by her and looks at it for a short time. Dale turns
> it over and stuffs it

ALL: Ewwwwwwwww!

> with the rest of his things.
>
> Monty is at the door and helps Dale carry his things. "Crikey
> Dale what do you got in here the whole fridge."

MIKE: [Dale] Oh, no! Just the freezer.

> He carried it to the
> door.
>
> A seagull lands on the branch.
>
> There's a knock at the door a Chip opens it. Chip and Dales eyes
> widen.

TOM: More thrilling walking-to-the-door scenes, everyone!
MIKE & CROW: [dully] Yay.

>
> "Clarice!!"

CROW: [Falsetto] Flip!!

>
> A female chipmunk around their age stands there smiling she fully
> dressed with a R.A.S. logo on her shirt. "Hello boys long time no see."

TOM: Well, at least we were warned about this one, unlike the rest of this
chamber of horrors.

>
> "Come in." Chip and Dale almost trip over themselves letting her
> in.

MIKE: [sarcastically] I just love this fanfic's wacky madcap slapstick
sense of humor...
CROW: Yeah, Lapensee and Gonterman have a future writing gags for the next
Cris Farley movie.

>
> "Chip, Dale you know her?" Gadget asked curiously.
>
> "She is an old friend Gadget.

TOM: [Chip] I've replaced her with a newer friend gadget.

> Clarice use to be a nightclub
> singer. We use to hang out together." Chip looked at Clarice. "So
> this is where you ended up at. I didn't know you joined the Rescue
> Aid Society."

CROW: And you're looking good for a 50 year old squirrel!

>
> "I have always been with RAS, that other job as just for spare
> money. When I heard that you guys where accepted, I wanted to be the
> one to help you out. We're going to be a team." She smiled.

ALL: [Hum the A-team theme]

>
> "Great, Clarice! I can't wait to get started." Dale said giving
> her a wink. Chip saw that a stood in front of him smiling at
> Clarice.

TOM: A *what* stood in front of him?

>
> Jonathan rolled his eyes as he watched them. Gadget whispered in
> his ear and Jonathan laughed.
>
> Monty helped with the luggage and tied it to the seagull.

MIKE: Jonathan Livingston Seagull?

> "Well,
> that's the last of it, mates."
>
> Chip and Dale shook the hands of the Rangers (Minus 2 but Plus 1)

CROW: I get the feeling the authors got the same grades in math as in
English.

> and walked up to Gadget.
>
> "Gadget. Dale and I want to say some before we go."

TOM: No! Just get the hell out!

>
> "Ya.." Dale sniffed.

ALL: [Minnewegan] Yaaaaa!

>
> "We both love you Gadget and we are sorry for fighting over you."
> Chip said. Gadget had tears in her eyes and hugged them both.

TOM: Have you cuddled your tears today?

>
> "I know... I want to give you something before you go." Gadget
> said. Chip and Dale looked at each other.

CROW: Huh huh... Mouse nookie!
MIKE: Crow... Oh, forget it. I'm too emotionally drained.

> Gadget grabbed Dale and
> kissed him for a short time. She then kissed Chip.

TOM: [Chip] Ewww! Disgusting!

> "Take care of
> your selves and remember to visit."
>
> "We will." The chipmunks hoped on the seagull and waved as it
> took off.

MIKE: They had to, since the seagull forgot to flap its wings.
CROW: That will happen when you fly with ValuBird.

> Chip and Dale watched the tree get smaller as they flew
> away.

MIKE: [Chip] Dale! Stop playing with Nimnul's shrinking ray!

>
> Gadget looked at Jonathan holding both paws. "Jonathan, are you
> going to stay after all we are short handed now?"

TOM: [Gadget] With my fingers being chopped off by the machine falling on
me and all.

>
> "Gadget's right mate.

MIKE: As opposed to Gadget's left mate.

> You'd make one heck of a Rescue Ranger
> with your magic." Monty slapped him on the back.

TOM: What magic? The whole ending was so LSD-laced that I have no idea what
was going on, but I'm pretty sure that the amulet had nothing to do
with it!
CROW: Maybe he means Jonathan's lame amateur sleight-of-hand tricks?
TOM: What good are THOSE? "Halt, evildoer! Pick a card, any card!"

>
> Jonathan looked at them. "All these years I have been looking
> for a place that I could call home..." He looked at the tree. "And
> I believe I have found it."
>
> "Well then mate

CROW: [Jonathan] What, right here?

> welcome to the Rescue Rangers."
>
> Mr. Ages walked out carrying his medical bag. "Well it looks
> like my job is done here."

MIKE: [Ages] You'll get my bill in the mail. Hope you have... insurance.
Muahahahah!

>
> "Golly, your leaving. We where hoping you would stay." Gadget
> said.

TOM: It's not that he's particularly useful to the Rangers, but no one
makes a better morphine cocktail than Dr. Ages.

>
> "Thanks for the offer Gadget but the Rats need me. I'll be
> seeing you JB. You know where to find me if you need me."

MIKE: In the geriatric ward.

> Mr. Ages
> said.
>
> "Yes I do old friend and take care." JB shook his paw.

CROW: [Jonathan] Damn wristwatch keeps stopping all the time!

>
> "Watch your self with that amulet you hear." Mr. Ages said as he
> left.

TOM: [Jonathan] I will! Oh, I just love looking at my own reflection in the
amulet.

>
> Jonathan waved and look back at Gadget. "Well I guess there is
> only one thing left to say guys."

MIKE: T-t-t-t-t-t-hat's all, folks!

>
> They came together. "RESCUE RANGERS AWAY!!!"

CROW: Shoo! Away with you pesky rescue rangers!

>
>
> The End.

MIKE: I just felt as if a 10 ton weight was lifted from my shoulders.

>
> Visit the FoxFire Studio Web Site
> http://users.aol.com/dgonterman
>
> Home of the Jonathan Brisby Shrine.

MIKE: And dropped back on me again from a skyscraper.
CROW: This guy has a *web page*?

>
> "You can unlock any door if you only have the key"
> --inscription at the back of JB's Amulet

CROW: And just *how* does this relate to what happened in the fanfic?
MIKE: The same way "The Secret of NIMH" and "Chip & Dale's Rescue Rangers"
relate to this fanfic.

>
> David Gonterman
> Paul Lapanse

TOM: Wasn't his name "Lapansee" last time?
MIKE: All this and you still care about spelling?

>
>
>

MIKE: And that about sums up what was good about this fanfic.

[They leave the theater.]

MIKE: Whew. I'm experiencing a sense of relief I haven't felt before in
my life.
TOM: Me too. I thank the Heavens that this one is over -- and I mean that
from the bottom of my CPU!
CROW: Yeah. The authors took something good and decent and turned it into
something too twisted and perverted even for me!
TOM: I never thought I'd say this, but this one was worse than "Manos"!
MIKE: Crow, I notice the waffles are gone. What did you do?
CROW: Oh, I just fed them to Gypsy. It's amazing how much that woman can
eat.
MIKE: Gypsy? Uh-oh.

[The Mads light flashes and Mike taps it.]

[Deep 13. Pearl and Dr. Forrester are wading in a waist-deep sea of
waffles.]

PEARL: You hurry and clean this mess up, Clayton, or I'll ground you
for a year!
DR. F: [Weakly] Yes, Mom.
PEARL: I'm going shopping. When I'm back, this place had better shine!

[Pearl exits.]

[Dr. Forrester turn towards the camera and looks at Mike and the Bots.]

DR. F: I'll get you for this.

[SoL]

TOM: Oh yeah? What are you going to do, send us "The Rangers of NIHM 2"?

[Deep 13]

[A grin forms on the lips of Dr. Forrester. He starts snickering, and
before long the snickering turns into an insane, echoing laugh.]

[SoL]

TOM: Oops.

[Deep 13]

[Still cackling like the Crypt Keeper, Dr. Forrester presses the button.]

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

\ | /
\ | /
\|/
---O--- Fwshhhh!
/|\
/ | \
/ | \

[To be continued...]

Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations are
trademarks of and [c] 199X by Best Brains, Inc. All rights reserved. Chip
& Dale's Rescue Rangers, The Secret of NIMH, Pinky and the Brain and
everything related are owned by their respective copyright holders. Use of
copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment purposes only; no
infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held by Best Brains,
Inc. or anyone else is intended or should be inferred. This post is for
amusement only and should not be seen as a personal attack on David
Gonterman or Paul Lapensee. Ending "Fwshhhh!" swiped from Adam Cadre's
MiSTing of "The Eye of Argon."

> The Ranger's where flowing a leaded of break-ins.