MiSTed: Make a Fortune on the Information Superhighway
TICK
(1...2...3...4...5...6...7)
MIKE and the BOTS are sitting around, playing Donkey Kong and
enjoying some snack treats.
SERVO: Go! Go! Get the banana!
CROW: I got it, I got it...
MIKE: Boy, sure is good to kick back and relax on a day like
this, isn't it, guys?
SERVO: Sure is...uh...guys? Cambot's on.
CROW: Come here, you little...
MIKE: You're right, Tom! We're broadcasting! But we don't
have an experiment scheduled for today. I'd better
check on this...
[Deep 13]
Dr. F and FRANK are holding the door to Deep 13 shut. There
are a couple of reptilian-looking hands poking through, pushing
on the door.
DR. F: GET LOST! GET OUTTA--oh, hi, Mike, botsies...we're
having a bit of an emergency down here in the lab...
FRANK: We've got these Evil Dead Attorneys trying to serve
us with subpoenas.
DR. F: Some nonsense about "character defamation" and "slander"...
FRANK: BACK! BACK, SIMBA!
DR. F: Anyway, we're looking for some--OW!--some revenge, so
we've got another Canter & Siegel masterpiece headed
your way. Do us proud, boys...
(The door slams shut, slicing off one of the Evil Dead Attorney's
hands)
FRANK: WHO'S LAUGHING NOW?! AH HA HA HA HA HA!
DR. F: Groovy, Frank.
[SOL]
ALL: AHHHHH! WE'VE GOT POSTING SIGN!
(7...6...5...4...3...2...1)
SERVO: Mike, couldn't we have a Star Trek fanfic or something?
I'm kind of numb to 'em now...
>Make a Fortune on the Information Superhighway!
CROW: Spin the wheel! Watch it go! Take it away, Vanna...
>Don't let anything stop you.
SERVO: Stay alive, no matter what occurs! I wll find you!
>******************************
>1. Let us help .......
>******************************
MIKE: ...you into the poorhouse by taking all your savings.
>Sell your product or services to millions of people on the Internet.
CROW: And everyone will _love_ you! Just like they love us!
>If
>you're business
SERVO: No, I'm not business, I'm Tom Servo. Who the hell are you?
MIKE: Ah, nothing like a good grammar flame...
>is being eaten up by high advertising costs,
MIKE: Then dial 911.
CROW: Rescue! 9! 1! 1! And read _Tekwar!_
>Cybersell,
>the world famous Internet marketing company, offers a new alternative.
SERVO: Weren't they the villains from _Terminator 2_?
>Our system is very low cost in comparison with other advertising options
>and it works!
MIKE: You too can attempt to sell shoddy merchandise to Trekkies
and shut-ins!
>If you are an entrepreneur with a small business, we
ALL: will, we will rock you!
>especially welcome you. The economy needs you. This may be the break
>you've been looking for!
SERVO: Especially if you don't keep up the payments...
CROW: So, which arm does ya want breaked first?
>Call Cybersell at 602 661 5202
MIKE: Okay, how are you gonna prank 'em?
SERVO: I'm thinking pizzas, Mike. Lots and lots of pizzas.
CROW: "Hello, I'm looking for Amanda Hugankiss, please..."
SERVO & CROW: Uhhhh huh huh huh huh.
>*******************************************
>2. Or Do It Yourself, Avoid The First Cyber Book Burning
CROW: Fire! FIRE! YEAH!
MIKE: All right, I call no more Beavis & Butthead riffs.
CROW: Come on, it's a homage.
SERVO: You mean like what they do to _this_ show?
>THE FIRST CYBER BOOK BURNING IS AIMED AT "HOW TO MAKE A FORTUNE ON THE
>INFORMATION SUPER HIGHWAY" (HarperCollins*)
SERVO: Now, why can't Jesse Helms get annoyed with _this_?
CROW: No naked guys with bullwhips.
>Now available in the U.S., Canada and the United Kingdom.
>Soon to be released in Germany, Korea, Mexico and Israel.
MIKE: As soon as they get off their stinkin' butts and learn
English, that is...
>*******************************************
>
>If you would rather do-it-yourself, read the book "How to Make a Fortune
>on the Information Super Highway" by Laurence Canter & Martha Siegel,
>published by HarperCollins. It's available at your local bookstore in
>either the business or computer section.
CROW: You'll know it by the smell.
>WE WARN YOU,
MIKE: DO NOT MOCK US!
>there is information contained in the book that some people
>don't want you to know.
CROW: The formula for Coke! Who shot JFK! Who's _really_ buried
in Grant's Tomb!
>College students and faculty members are misusing
>computer facilities to try and intimidate the publishers, the bookstores,
>and YOU from making a fortune in Cyberspace. LOOK FOR THE CLUES!
SERVO: The truth...is out there.
MIKE: So the hypothesis here is that college students are putting
pressure on Harper Collins books not to publish this.
CROW: Hey, if an entire sorority showed up on your doorstep
and told you not to publish a book, trust me, you'd do it.
>HarperCollins was urged not to publish "How to Make a Fortune on the
>Information Superhighway."
SERVO: I'm gonna make 'em an offer they can't refuse.
>Mysteriously, word of this book is being wiped
>from bookstore computers. "Newsweek" tech-heads warned "don't buy this
>book." Bookstores are being urged to remove it from the shelves.
CROW: Does the fact that the book sucks rocks have anything to do
with it?
SERVO: Might be the fact that it was written by these two...
MIKE: Also, it seems unlikely that anybody'll buy the movie rights...
>If a
>bookstore clerk offers you advice on what not to read when you didn't ask,
>you'll begin to have a clue.
MIKE: Maybe _you'll_ get a clue next!
>It's the very first Cyber Bookburning and
>you can stop it. Learn some great money making ideas. Read "How to Make
>a Fortune on the Information Superhighway." Don't be intimidated. Judge
>for yourself.
CROW: Yeah, those whisper-thin clerks at Waldenbooks just scare
the hell out of me...
SERVO: Read the new John Grisham book, or we shatter your kneecaps!
>*******************************************
>A Message To U.S. Access Providers Everywhere
>*********************************************
SERVO: Hi! How are the kids?
>People need to make a living. Small business owners and entrepreneurs are
>vital to maintaining the U.S. economy.
MIKE: Lawyers, however, we could get rid of without much fuss.
>Why are you cutting the lines to
>the Internet of honest business people, but keeping them open to
>pornographers and university electronic vandals?
CROW: They throw better parties?
>Why are you canceling
>business messages but not of law-breaking hackers? Why are you canceling
>messages at all? Who wrote your agenda?
MIKE: Well, originally it was Shane Black, but we called in William
Goldman for a rewrite.
CROW: Sounds like the picture's in trouble.
>Who pulls your strings?
ALL: PULL DA STREEEENG!
>What are
>you really afraid of? The public deserves an answer.
SERVO: You callin' Duane Barry a liar?
>***********************************************
>A Word To Our Mailbombing Friends At MIT
>***********************************************
MIKE: Try UPS, it's really much quicker.
>Keep it up.
CROW: Glad to! There's a few files from Project Gutenberg
on their way to you right now!
>Your leadership is undisputed. We wrote the book on Internet
>marketing. You wrote the book on electronic vandalism.
SERVO: If electronic vandalism has a name, it _must_ be
MIT!
>
>*********************************************
>GET THE FACTS ON BUSINESS IN CYBERSPACE
>*********************************************
>
>Make YOUR Fortune on the Information Superhighway!
MIKE: Stacked upon the bones of those who would block your path!
>Cybersell's News Posting Service
>
>HarperCollins' book
SERVO: Servo's vomit.
CROW: Crow's inner rage.
MIKE: Mike's nasal hair.
CROW & SERVO: Huh?
>
>IT'S YOUR CHOICE
>
>IT'S YOUR BUSINESS
MIKE: But it's _our_ friggin' newsgroup!
>YOU DECIDE
SERVO: Okay, we've decided. GET LOST!
>*********************************************
>
>* Martha S. Siegel and Laurence A. Canter are principals of Cybersell.
MIKE: It's the principals of the thing that bother me...
>They are also authors of the book published by HarperCollins.
CROW: (in Truman Capote voice) That's not writing, that's typing!
>There is no
>relationship express or implied between Cybersell and HarperCollins.
>HARPERCOLLINS IS IN NO WAY RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS POSTING.
SERVO: Good to know they're pushing the book, isn't it? Aw, criminy,
let's get outta here...
(7...6...5...4...3...2...1)
SERVO: Jeez, some people never learn, eh, Mike?
MIKE: You said it, my fireplug-like pal. It's just amazing that
these guys don't get the point, that nobody liked having
advertisements shoved into their face...
CROW: Indeed, Mike...by the way, we'd better check in on the Mads
so we can go sell more Mentos.
MIKE: Oh, take your irony elsewhere. What do you think, sirs?
[Deep 13]
FRANK is hiding behind one of the many scientific-looking devices
in Deep 13.
FRANK: Uh...it's great, guys. I can't really talk now...
DR. F: GET OUT HERE, YOU LITTLE CACODEMON BASTICH!
FRANK: Ohhhhh, poopie...
FRANK runs for it. Dr. F rushes in, wielding a shotgun and carrying a
chainsaw.
Dr. F: This is for DEIMOS! Uh...until next time, Mike...
Dr. F shoots the button.
***************************************************************************
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Tick T "Soon you will curse as sharp as
CEO, Inspired Weirdness Productions T a knife! Doomed is your soul
pmi...@fscvax.fsc.mass.edu T and damned is your life!"
CROSSROADS is coming T --Lord John Whorfin