[MiSTed] Jews for Jesus Brochures (1/2)
Melvin Harry Pollack
Welcome to MiSTing #5. This one took longer to produce that my other 4
combined. However, the subject matter is more potentially explosive than
the others. (Plus I let school work take priority. Can you believe
that?)
Standard instructions apply. Please send comments to
"mpol...@glue.umd.edu."
One caveat. I'm looking for comments on how to improve my MiSTings, on
things you liked and didn't like, and on pieces that you may have felt
were incorrect or out of line. If you want to say that you found a
certain piece insulting, and you can do it calmly and without flaming me,
please send me a message and I'll decide if the piece should be changed.
What I DON'T want to see are messages claiming that Jesus truly is the
Messiah, that I should believe such and such, etc. I have no interest in
theological debates at this time, or in messages that say I believe the
wrong thing. I just don't have the time to deal with them.
Thank you....
Melvin "no sig" Pollack
Proudly resisting "sig" files since 1993.
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[Season 3. Opening credits.]
[1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6...]
[SOL. Joel is attempting to put the finishing touches on his new invention.]
Crow: [Walks in.] Hey, pal. What'ya doing?
Joel: Huh? Oh, just trying to get this new invention finished. It's a hand
held computer. Unfortunately, it only runs scaled down versions of
Microsoft Software, so I can't imagine a company willing to market it.
Crow: How about Hewlett Packard? Ooohhh! Better yet, you can send it to
Apple and call it a Newton.
Joel: I think I can finish it if there aren't any distractions....
Tom: [from above] Introducing Dental Floss Bungee Jumping! BONZAI!!!!
[Tom crashes through the table Joel was working on. Parts go flying all over
the room. Finally, Tom manages to stand up.]
Tom: That might have been more successful if I had ankles.
Joel: TOM!
Crow: Uh, we'll be right back.
[Commercials for Politically Incorrect. Why THAT show made it to the networks
is a mystery that will never be solved.]
Crow: Dental floss bungee jumping, huh?
Tom: It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Joel: Oh, look at this mess. My invention is ruined.
Crow: Perfect timing. Funk and Wagnell are calling.
[D13. Only Frank is visible. In the background, a college party seems to be
in progress.]
Frank: Hi, guys. Dr. F is at an Evil Scientists seminar, so he won't be back
for a while. Anyway, he left a couple of instructions. [Looks at a
sheet of paper.] First off, there is no invention exchange this week.
[SOL]
Joel: And I was looking forward to it, too. (Sigh.) Oh, well.
[D13]
Frank: Let's see. Water plants, mop floors, check e-mail for him, no parties
under any circumstances.... Whoops. Didn't notice that before. Oh,
well. [Tears sheet.]
Blond Co-ed: Come on, Frank! Let's dance!
Frank: In a minute. Oh, guys, there was one other thing. The Doc wants you
to look over a couple of unsolicited brochures from the group Jews
for Jesus. <Pause.> That can't be right. It doesn't make any
sense. Oh, well.
[Frank sends him the messages, and then dances off screen.]
[SOL]
Crow: Jews for Jesus? Isn't that an oxymoron?
Tom: It seems more likely that we'd see Jews for dental floss bungee jumping.
Joel: Uh, oh. I think I know about this group. Brace yourself. WE'VE GOT
IDENTITY CRISIS SIGN!
[6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...]
>[A small brochure. White paper, with rather messy drawings and scribbled text
>in red ink. In short, it looks like it was designed and produced in a span of
>15 minutes.]
Tom: This is going to be rough.
Crow: Why don't they put more effort into it?
Joel: Everything's designed to be disposable these days.
> [Throughout the brochure, there are hearts of various
> sizes and shadings - be glad this is only a text file.]
Tom: The same way we wish "Teenagers from Outer Space" was a text file?
Crow: Hey, it's not like we've never seen hearts before.
>
>[The front is a fairly smeared drawing of cupid with a bow and arrow. Both
>cupid and the arrowhead look like they have been taking steroids. Cupid is
>standing on a heart (or maybe a peach; it's hard to tell.)
Joel: Especially since this is a text file.
> The title is printed along the side in
>large letters.]
>
Crow: Ahhh. I feel like I'm there already.
>
>VALENTINE'S DAY
Tom: Starring Martin Lawrence.
Crow: Yo, whazzup?
Joel: We're about to get into the message. BRACE YOURSELVES!!!!
>
>Announcer: People seem to need one day a year to show their warm FEELINGS.
Tom: [announcer] Show your FEELINGS, damn it!
Crow: Characters in any sitcom just need that one day a year.
Joel: They have it. It's called sweeps week.
>Housewife: HARRY, IF I TOLD YOU ONCE, I TOLD YOU A THOUSAND TIMES - DON'T
>GRIND YOUR CIGARETTE BUTTS ONTO THE TABLE... Sweetheart
Tom: Whoa. Shrewish wife to Humphrey Bogart in 10 seconds.
Crow: [husband] But dear. Everybody knows that destroying furniture is a sign
of pleasure and affection.
Joel: I have no idea what any of this has to do with Jews for Jesus. Not
that I'm complaining.
>Announcer: It gives us an opportunity to be extra - nice and caring.
Tom: For an extra-long time with extra-words and extra-hyphens.
>Husband: WHAT'S THIS OUT TO EAT AGAIN? FORGET HOW TO COOK!?... dear
Crow: Look familiar, Joel?
Tom: Is it just me, or does this post seem a little bitter?
Joel: You mean like the writers never went on a Valentines Day date?
It's possible.
>Announcer: It's a thoughtful, considerate, giving day.
Crow: This is where they ask us for money, isn't it.
Joel: No, these guys just want you to convert.
Tom: Now that they've gotten us in a romantic mood.
> A day to plan well in
>advance.
>Businessman: WELL A QUICK BOX OF CANDY COULD NOT DO ANY*MORE* DAMAGE
Tom: OF COURSE, SHE'S DIABETIC. BUT THEN I GET *HER* MONEY.
Crow: Feeling dark, Tom?
Tom: Just a bit.
>Announcer: Intentions are good.
Crow: [announcer] Yes, we're trying to con you. But our heart is in the right
place.
> But we get ourselves caught up in the
>paperwork.
>[Drawing of young lady cutting out a paper heart.]
All: Waaah, waaah, waaah, waaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!
>Announcer: It could be a time to give of your*self*, your affection, to
>express the love inside you. Not just to mail an anonymous red paper heart.
Tom: So remember to sign it.
Crow: That way, your significant other won't think she's being stalked.
Joel: Here's the wind up....
> But after all, we're only HUMAN.
Bots: Speak for YOURSELF.
Joel: I don't think THEY considered the possibility that this would be read by
ROBOTS.
> So GOD, BEING GOD,
Tom: IN A GOD-LIKE SORT OF WAY BEING FROM GODLINESS.... I don't think I'm
going to make it through this one.
> sent HIS son to
Crow: Start a greeting card industry.
Tom: Can we make jokes like that?
Joel: I don't know.
> pour out HIS HEART FOR US
All: AAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
> to make us into loving people.
Tom: So, why do we feel such hatred.
Joel: Well, because a lot of people started screwing with his message....
Crow: Along with their CAPS LOCK key.
> JESUS IS THE GREATEST LOVER!
Tom: Well, that's because his deoderant.... HUH?!?
Crow: Joel, can I point out....
Joel: No.
>Biblical Quotation: I am poured out like water and all my bones are out of
Crow: But I just want to talk about how the nuns....
Joel: NO!
>joint, my heart is like wax; it is melted within me. Psalm 22:14
Crow: I mean, about ALL of them being married....
Joel: [shuts Crow up] It's a metaphor, Crow. Besides, we're in enough trouble
already.
Tom: Not a bad riff, though.
>Announcer: maybe a selfish + impure heart inhibits you from loving?
Tom: If so, try NEW Ivory heart. It's 99.44 percent pure.
Crow: All heart, all the time.
Joel: I've got a better riff. On the count of three. 1... 2...
All: [Singing] You've lost that loving feeling....
>Biblical Quotation: A new heart also will I give you and a new spirit will
>I put within you; and I will take away the stony heart and I will give you a
>heart of flesh. Ezekiel 18:31
Tom: Why do they keep shoving these Biblical quotes at us.
Joel: Oh, it's just a standard attempt to make you believe that they
understand the Bible's message. All the prostelytizers do it.
Crow: [Southern, high pitched] They're just the rage, dontcha know.
>Announcer: GOD can make you loving and lovable through HIS "valentine" gift
>to us
Bots: A Nintendo 64?
> - JESUS
Bots: We wanted a Nintendo 64.
Joel: And there's the pitch.
> HE CAME TO GIVE you new life
Tom: AND new civilizations
Crow: SO WE COULD BOLDLY GO where no one has gone before.
Joel: And you guys call me Fan-Boy.
> life everlasting
Tom: So, if we believe in him, we get to live forever?
Crow: That's almost as cool as deciding who lives and who dies.
> AND Love EVERLASTING LOVE.
Joel: [Singing] And Love, love, LOVE!
All: [Singing] Love, American Style. Truer than the red, white and blue....
> If you can HANDLE IT, HE'LL HELP you TO LOVE EVERYBODY...
Crow: Except Republicans.
Tom: I thought the author of this MiSTing used to date a Republican.
Joel: What are you talking about?
Crow: I have no idea.
> even people
>who hand out these pamphlets!?
Crow: Not a chance.
Tom: After all, he can only turn wine into water and cure leprosy. He can't
perform a miracle of THAT magnitude.
>[Drawing of young lady hugging a paper heart. An arrow is sticking out of her
>ear.]
Joel: Steve Martin? Nooooo!!!!!
>Young Lady: OUCH. Sigh.
Tom: I know how you feel.
>MOISHE ROSEN
Tom: aka Paul Christianson.
Crow: Huh?
Joel: The purpose of this group is to deceive you into becoming Christian
by pretending they're all Jewish.
Crow: Oh, I get it. I think.
>JEWS FOR JESUS
Joel: The greatest oxymoron, with the accent on moron.
Tom: You think that'll become their campaign slogan?
>P.O. BOX 5594
>Washington, D.C. 20016
Crow: So visiting their address is out of the question.
>(202) 362 - 1312
>FAX: (202) 966 - 2346
>Email: J4Je...@aol.com
Tom: What, no web address?
>Web: www.jews-for-jesus.org
Joel: You had to remind them, didn't you.
>
>Please... do not Litter!
Crow: [begging] Please don't throw our lovely disposable pamphlets on
the ground. Please.
Tom: Instead, you should take out a match and burn the sucker right in front
of the person who gave it to you.
Joel: That's horrible. You shouldn't play with matches.
Crow: You guys are starting to scare me.
>
>Printed in U.S.A. [Copyright symbol, but no date.]
Tom: Oh, like anyone would want to claim they did this?
>ART BY steffi
Tom: Oh, someboddy did.
Crow: Steffi Graf? NOOOOO!!!!!
Joel: Come on, lets get out of here.
>
[1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6...]
[Tom, Crow and Joel are sitting around a table.]
Crow: All right, let's start over again. Who are these Jews for Jesus
guys?
Joel: Well, there's two definitions. Jews for Jesus is the name of a
group that tells Jews that they have to believe in Christian ideas to
become more Jewish. But there are about 600 other groups like
this, so people use Jews for Jesus to refer to any of these groups in
general.
Tom: I gather that they go around saying that they're the true Jews and
that you have to accept their beliefs. And to show that they're truly
Jewish, they use snippets of Jewish religion and culture to mask their
true nature.
Crow: Oh come on. What group would be that low and deceitful?
Tom: Besides Congress?
Joel: I'd like to interject that I don't think Congress is linked to Jews
for Jesus in any way.
Crow: Well, I still don't know.... Maybe if I met one.
Gypsy: [rushes in] Guys, there's a ship coming in from the hexfield.
Tom: A ship? What is it? Where's it from? Can they lend us money?
Gypsy: I don't know. I just wanted a line. [rushes out.]
Joel: Cambot, give me Rocket Number Nine.
[Hexfield opens to reveal a guy wearing a pope's hat and a long black beard. He
looks like Mike Nelson. (Guess why.)]
Mike: Hi, I'm from Jews for Jesus. Would you like a brochure.
Joel: Uh, no.
Tom: You just had to open your big mouth, didn't you Crow? DIDN'T YOU?!?
Mike: You see, we wish to spread our love and faith to you. Please take a
brochure.
Tom: Uh, no thanks.
Mike: Please do not be closed minded. Allow us....
Crow: Look, we don't want to take a brochure.
Mike: Damn it, I've been standing in the freezing cold since 8 o'clock this
morning, and I've got to stand out here until I give out all the
brochures and if you don't take one, I'm going to shove it down your
throats! Now feel the love, or else.
Joel: Uh, in that case, we'll take a couple.
Mike: Please do not litter. [Sends some paper down the chute into the SOL.]
So, would you like to discuss Jesus' love?
Crow: Actually, we did have some questions on that.
Joel: For example, how can you believe in an entirely Christian philosophy and
still claim to be Jews?
Mike: Well, as a matter of fact, we are a large Jewish organization....
Tom: Funded by whom?
Mike: Fundamentalist Christian groups. In fact, we're a charter member
of the Evangelical Council of Financial Accountability. And we're
proud to be part of that group. But you can't believe the
paperwork required to prove that we're supporting evangelical
Christian ideas. Why do you ask?
Joel: No reason.
Mike: Just out of curiosity, are the host segments usually this
political?
Joel: No, but the author is Jewish.
Mike: Ah.
Crow: Well, let's get back to this Jesus thing. We know that Jews aren't
supposed to believe in Jesus.
Joel: In fact, Jewish philosophy claims that the Messiah will be a human
born of natural means, as opposed to "from a virgin." That's
assuming that there will even be a Messiah, which may not be the case.
Tom: And Jewish thought also claims that the Messiah isn't supposed to perform
any miracles until after the Jews were united. Furthermore, he isn't
supposed to come back from the dead.
Mike: Well, different branches of Judaism disagree on various points.
Joel: True, but Jewish teachings seem to match on the above points.
Tom: And Judaism says you're not supposed to accept an opinion until it's
proven in ten different ways.
Crow: So, what we are trying to say is WHO ARE YOU TRYING TO FOOL, PINHEAD!
Mike: Aha, a sign of anger. That shows that you have not accepted Jesus and
are afraid of learning the truth. But Jesus died for your sins....
Joel: That's another thing. What happened to the Jewish belief that we are
responsible for our own sins?
Tom: And if you really believe that Jesus is the Messiah, why not just convert
to Christianity and be done with it?
Mike: Well, a lot of us do. But some of us feel that we must still hold the
Jewish ethnic traditions, although we can't quite grasp why our children
wind up converting.
Crow: While we're on the subject, what about the Jewish belief that you don't
even have to believe in God to go to heaven?
Tom: What about the rules against prostelyzation?
Joel: What we're trying to say is that, while it is okay to believe in
Christian philosophy, how can you believe in it and still consider
yourself Jewish?
Mike: Uh, I need to check my notes on how to handle this. [Starts reading from
a small book.] If the people you are talking to bring up valid
arguments.... Ignore them; they just aren't ready to accept the truth
as of yet.
Joel: And WE'RE the ones who are close - minded?
Mike: Hi, there. I would like to talk to you about the group known as Jews
for Jesus....
Joel: Uh, huh. We'll be right back.
[Commercials.]
hunter
and I'm bored....
First off, you did a great job in not really offending anyone, just parodying
the sort of muddled messages inside one particular (and probably not fully
representative) booklet from the particular division of "Jews for Jesus." It
must have took a lot of work figuring out how to offend the least number
of people...
The MiSTing itself was fairly funny... especially the part about the Hebrews
speaking Yiddish... but there was one too many self-references. I'm not a big
fan of those types of things... but that's just me. Overall I give it about a 7 out
of
10.
Hunter "Charter member of Atheists for Allah" Felt