-- MSTIED: spam shorts (3/3) --
Rufus T. Firefly
> DO YOU WANT TO MAKE MONEY FAST?
Servo: Then pump it up full of steriods!
Mike: Brought to you by the Ban Johnson foundation
>
> Of course you do, we all do!
Crow: Why do I feel like I'm about to see Sally Struthers? NOOOO....
Servo: Calm down, man.
>
> Here's how to do so with little effort, and, yes IT'S LEGAL.
Servo: Oh well, my interest just escaped.
> And for you doubters:
Crow: YOU WILL ALL BURN IN HELL FOREVER!
Mike: Crow...
> I am laughing all the way to the bank :-) And guess what? I
> was a doubter too!!
Servo: [in a southern preacher's voice] But now I BELIEVE in jesus!
Mike: So is this some jehovah's witness fundraiser?
Crow: Mind if I come in for a couple minutes?
>
> A little while back, I was browsing these newsgroups, just like
> you are now,
Servo: Wow! This man is psychic!
Crow: Or psych-O, one of the two.
> and came across an article similar to this that said you could make
> thousands of dollars within weeks with only an initial investment of
Mike: Well, umm, a couple of thousand dollars. It's not so much the
MONEY, you see, it's the PRINCIPALS involved...
> $6.00!
Crow: Will get you not one, but TWO rentals at Blockbuster with an
additional purchase of eight dollars...
> So I thought, "Yeah, right, this must be a scam!"
Mike: Well, no need to jump to conclusions or anything.
> but like most of us, I
> was curious. Like most of us, I kept reading.
Servo: Like most of us, I kept repeating the same line OVER AND OVER
AGAIN WITH NO END IN SIGHT!
Mike: Calm down, man.
> Anyway, it said that if
Crow: [in a mothers voice] All your friends jumped off a bridge, would
you too?
Servo: Yes.
> you
> send $1.00 to each of the 6 names and addresses stated in the article,
Mike: Then you would NOT find a horses' head in your bed.
> you
> could make thousands in a very short period of time.
Servo: Of course, you ALSO need a regular job...
> You then place your
> own name and address at the bottom of the
Servo: Sea
> list at #6, and post the
> article to at least 200 newsgroups.
Crow: If you want to see Billy alive again.
> (There are about 22,000.) or e-mail them to
> friends, or e-mailing lists...
Mike: Or friends' emailing list, or your e-mail list's friends...
>
> No catch, that was it.
Crow: That's it? Meaning this doesn't go on any longer? Good, let's...
>
> Even though the investment was a measly $6, I had three questions that
Crow: Damn.
> needed to be answered before I could get involved in this sort of thing.
Servo: One: What is the capital of Nebraska?
Mike: Two: What is the capital of the Chase National bank?
Crow: Three: How many frenchmen can't be wrong?
>
> 1. IS THIS REALLY LEGAL?
Servo: [energetically] HELL no!
>
> I called a lawyer first. The lawyer was a little skeptical that I would
Crow: Be stupid enough to try a thing like this
> actually make any money but he said it WAS LEGAL if I wanted to try it.
Servo: Of course, so is suicide...
> I
> told him it sounded a lot like a chain letter
Mike: Well, it SMELLS like a chain letter... looks like a chain
letter... tastes like a chain letter
All: It IS a chain letter!
> but the details of the
> system
> (SEE BELOW) actually made it a legitimate legal business.
Servo: Ranking right up there with professional assassins, the mafia,
and the tobacco industry!
>
> 2. Would the Post Office be ok with this...?
Servo: [energetically] HELL no!
>
> I called them: 1-800-725-2161
Crow: That's 1-800-725-2161 TODAY! Have your credit card ready!
> and they confirmed THIS IS ABSOLUTELY
> LEGAL!
Mike: You know, he's going through a lot of trouble to convince us that
this is PERFECTLY LEGAL... one would almost doubt him.
Servo: Were it not for the down-to-earth genuineness of his story, I
myself would be a doubter.
Crow: Even WITH the down-to-earth genuineness of his story, I'm a
doubter.
Mike: Maybe it's BECAUSE of the supposedly-down-to-earth genuineness.
Servo: Good one.
> (See Title 18,h sections 1302 NS 1341 of Postal Lottery Laws). This
> clarifies the program of collecting names and addresses for a mailing
> list.
Mike: A MAILING LIST? I thought this was a way to get rich quick!
Servo: I'm so ashamed...
>
> 3. Is this moral?
Servo: [energetically] HELL no.
Mike: Okay, once is funny...
Servo: Bite me.
>
> Well, everyone who sends me a buck has a good chance of getting A LOT of
> money ... a much better chance than buying a lottery ticket!
Crow: ALMOST five-million to one!
>
> So, having these questions answered, I invested EXACTLY $7.92 ... six
> $1.00 bills and six 32 cent postage stamps ... and boy am I glad I did! Within
> 7 days, I started getting money in the mail! I was shocked!
Mike: Wait until he finds out that the Unibomber is ALSO on the mailing
list!
> I still figured
> it would end soon, and didn't give it another thought. But the money
Servo: Soon stopped coming in. I was broke and without a home.
> just continued coming in! In my first week, I made about $20.00 to $30.00
> dollars!
Crow: And that DOESN'T include tips!
> By the end of the second week I had a mad total of $1,000.00!
Mike: Well maybe if you'd stop SHOUTING it wouldn't be so mad.
Servo: I didn't know that money had emotions.
Mike: Well, it IS the root of all evil.
> In the third week I had over $10,000.00 and it was still growing.
Crow: [begins to say something]
Mike: No, Crow.
> This is
> now my fourth week and I have made a total of just over $42,000.00 and it's
> still coming in.....
Crow: This is beginning to sound legit. HELP ME!
Mike: Calm down, man. It's only a scam, it's only a scam.
>
> It's certainly worth $6.00 and 6 stamps!
Crow: [as if in a trance] Yes it most certianly is.
Mike and Servo: Uh-oh
>
> So now I'm reposting this so I can make even more money! The *ONLY*
> thing stopping *ANYONE* from enriching their own bank account is pure
> laziness!
Crow: Exactly, master.
Servo: SNAP OUT OF IT, MAN!
> It took me all of 5 MINUTES to print this out, follow the directions,
> and begin posting to newsgroups. It took me a mere 45 minutes to post to
> over 200 newsgroups. And for this GRAND TOTAL investment of $ 7.92 (US) and
> under ONE HOUR of my time, I have reaped an incredible amount of money
Crow: I will do the same.
Servo: Listen: [shouting] IT IS ONLY A SCAM! SNAP OUT OF IT!
Crow: WHOA. What happened?
Mike: You were temporalily brainwashed by the evil SpamBot's message.
Servo: We thought you a goner.
Crow: Thanks, guys.
> --
> like nothing I've ever even heard of anywhere before!
> 'Nuff said!
Crow: Good. Let's leave.
>
> Let me tell you how this works, and most importantly, why it works.
Crow: No, no, really, don't feel pressured on MY account.
> Also,
> make sure you print a copy of this article now,
Servo: Yeah. Right.
> so you can get the
> information off of it when you need it.
Mike: This guy seems to have some fascination with the word "it".
Servo: I think it's a type of O-B panty complex
Mike: I see.
> The process is very simple and
> consists of THREE easy steps.
Crow: One: Stop reading this message. Two: Get a tie. Three: Get a job.
Servo: Four: Get a life.
>
> ============
> HOW IT WORKS
> ============
Servo: It doesn't.
>
> STEP 1:
> ------
> Get 6 separate pieces of paper and write the following on each piece of
> paper:
Crow: We have your son. If you want to see him alive again...
Mike: That's enough.
>
> PLEASE ADD ME TO YOUR MAILING LIST.
> $1 US DOLLAR PROCESSING FEE IN ENCLOSED.
Mike: In enclosed WHAT?
>
> (THIS IS KEY AS THIS IS WHAT MAKES IT LEGAL SINCE YOU ARE PAYING FOR AND LATER
OFFERING A SERVICE).
Crow: I think prostitution operates under similar elements.
>
> Now get 6 $1.00 bills and place ONE inside EACH of the 6 pieces of paper
> so the bill will not be seen through the envelope to prevent theft/robbery.
Mike: Hey, they'll take every dollar they can get.
> Then, place one paper in each of the 6 envelopes and seal them. You
> should now have 6 sealed envelopes, each with a piece of paper stating the
> above phrase and an U.S. $1.00 bill.
Servo: And, preferably, you should KEEP the envelopes if you want to
make ANY money.
>
> Mail the 6 envelopes to the following addresses:
Crow: White House, 1600 Pennsylvania ave, DC
>
> #1 - D.Necalliski
> 1266 Lisa
Mike: Who's it named for?
Servo: Little girl by the name of Lisa, I presume
> Drive
> Warrington, PA 18976
> #2 - Pete Sharpe
Crow: He's an awfully witty fellow... very SHARP
[Servo and Mike groan]
> 648 Midway Ave.
> Holland,
Mike: The city so great they named an entire COUNTRY after it.
> MI 49423
>
> #3 - G. Rice
Crow: Any relation to Jerry?
> P.O. Box 572
> Humboldt, AZ 86329
>
> #4 - Kim Smith
> 700 Archer Street #1
> McKeesport, Pa 15132
>
> #5 - Peter L. S.
> 1253 Leaside drive
> Pittsburgh, PA 15207
>
> #6 - P. Sunshine
All: "You are P. Sunshine, the only Sunshine..."
> 184 Plymouth Street
> Pittsburgh, PA 15211
>
> STEP 2: Now take the #1 name off the list that you see above, move the
> other names up (6 becomes 5, 5 becomes 4, etc.) and add YOUR Name as
> number 6
Crow: AND 5, AND 4....
> on the list.
> (If you want to remain anonymous
Servo: Then TOUGH NOOGIES.
> put a nickname, but the
> address MUST be correct. It, of course, MUST contain your country,
Mike: Oh, sure, this offer limited to DICTATORS only.
> state/district/area, zip code, etc! You wouldn't want your money to fly
> away, wouldn't you?).
Crow: Somehow this makes no sense at all.
Servo: Don't worry, it's not supposed to.
>
> STEP 3: Now post your amended article to at least 200 newsgroups.
> Remember that 200 postings are just a guideline. The more you post, the more
> money you make!
Crow: The less you post, the LESS money you make!
>
> Don't know HOW to post in the news groups?
Servo: Then you're OBVIOUSLY a nincompoop.
> Well do exactly the following:
Crow: Ask someone who knows how to do it FOR you.
Servo: Do you think they could spare us the in-depth instructions?
>
> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> HOW TO POST TO NEWSGROUPS FAST WITH YOUR WEB BROWSER:
Mike: Give your browser an extra dose of Water Joe.
>
> The fastest way to post a newsletter: Highlight and COPY
> (Ctrl-C) the text of this posted message and PASTE (Ctrl-V) it into a
> plain
Mike: Well, it may be plain, but it won't depart you for someone younger
and richer
> text editor (as Wordpad) and save it.
Crow: ...From a fate worse than DEATH!
> After you have made the necessary changes that are stated above,
Servo: Do not call us. We will call you.
> simply COPY (Ctrl-C) and PASTE (Ctrl-V)
> the
Mike: I feel like I'm in Kindergarten again.
> text into the message composition window, after selecting a newsgroup,
> and
> post it! (Or you can attach the file, without writing anything to the
> message window.)
Servo: It's a free country, after all.
>
> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> If you have Netscape Navigator 3.0 do the following:
Servo: Curse Bill Gates to hell forever.
>
> 1. Click on any newsgroup like normal, then click on 'TO NEWS'. This
> will
> bring up a box to type a message in.
Crow: Prove it.
>
> 2. Leave the newsgroup box like it is, change the subject box to
> something
> flashy, something to catch the eye,
Mike: I'd prefer something a bit more PRACTICAL.
as "$$$ NEED CASH $$$? READ HERE! $!
> $!
> $" Or "$$$! MAKE FAST CASH, YOU CAN'T LOSE! $$$". Or you can use my
> subject
> title.
Crow: How about, "Dumb stupid scam that actually WORKS!"?
Servo "... At conning hundreds, even THOUSANDS of people!"
>
> 3. Now click on 'ATTACHMENTS'. Then click on 'ATTACH FILE'. Find your
> file
> on your Hard Disk (the one you saved from the text editor). Once you
> find
> it, click on it and then click 'OPEN' and 'OK'. You should now see your
> file name in the attachments box.
Crow: And if you don't, then, ha! You're screwed.
Mike: Crow...
>
> 4. Now click on 'SEND'/'POST'. You see? Now you just have 199 to go!
> (Don't
> worry, it's easy and quick once you get used to it.) NOTE: All the
> versions
> of Netscape Navigator's
Servo: He may be rich, but he sure can't spell.
> are similar to each other, so you'll have no
> problem to do this if you don't have Netscape Navigator 3.0.
>
> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> ! QUICK TIP!
>
> (For Netscape Navigator 3.x and above)
>
> You can post this message to many newsgroups at a time, by simply
> selecting
> a newsgroup near the top of the screen, hold down the SHIFT, and then
> select a newsgroup near the bottom of the screen. All of the newsgroups
> in/between will be selected. After that, you follow/do the basic steps,
Mike: Basic is relative...
> stated below at this letter, except of step #1. You can go to the page
> stated below in this letter and click on a newsgroup to open up the
Crow: Garage door?
> newsgroups window. Once you've done this, in the same window go to
> 'OPTIONS', and then mark 'SHOW ALL NEWSGROUPS' and 'SHOW ALL MESSAGES'.
> Now
> you can see all the newsgroups and you can apply easier the above tip.
>
> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> If you have MS Internet Explorer do the following:
Servo: Panic.
>
> 1. Go to the newsgroups and press 'POST AN ARTICLE'. To the new window
> type your headline in the subject area and then click in the large
Mike: Well, "big-boned" is how I prefer it...
> window below.
> There either PASTE your letter (which it's been copied from the text
> editor), or attach the file which contains it.
Crow: OR just buy Netscape, it saves ME a hell of a lot of typing!
>
> 2. Then click on 'SEND' or 'OK'. NOTE: All versions of MS Internet
> Explorer
> are similar to each other, so you won't have any problem doing this.
Servo: Yeah, well, says YOU.
>
> GENERAL NOTES ON POSTING: A nice page
Mike: You know what they say, "nice pages finish last".
> where you'll find all the
> newsgroups
Servo: Or at least a good portion... maybe... if you're lucky...
> if you want help is http://www.liszt.com/ (When you go to the home page,
Crow: Leave immediately.
> click on the link 'Newsgroup Directory'). But I don't think you'll have
> any
> problem posting because it's very easy once you've
> found the newsgroups. All these web browsers are similar. It doesn't
> matter
> which one you have. (But it makes it very easy if you have Netscape
> Navigator 3.0 or later.
Crow: Don't I remember suggesting this five minutes ago?
> You may download it from the Internet if you
> don't have it.) You just have to remember the basic steps, stated below.
All: SPARE US!
>
> BASIC STEPS FOR POSTING:
>
> 1. Find a newsgroup and you click on it.
Crow: Is this some rap song?
>
> 2. You click on 'POST AN/NEW ARTICLE' or 'TO NEWS' or anything else
> similar to these.
Mike: I think we get the point, please...
>
> 3. You type your flashy headline in the subject box.
All: Shut up.
>
> 4. Now, either you attach the file containing your amended letter, or
> you
> PASTE the letter. (You have to COPY it from the text editor, of course,
> from before.)
Crow: You mean he's not going to remind us how to copy it from the text
editor? I feel so confused and helpless.
>
> 5. Finally, you click on 'SEND' or 'POST' or 'OK', whatever is there.
>
> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> **REMEMBER, THE MORE NEWSGROUPS YOU POST IN, THE MORE MONEY YOU WILL MAKE! BUT
YOU HAVE TO POST A MINIMUM OF 200**
All: Says you.
>
> That's it! You will begin receiving money from around the world within
> days! You may eventually want to rent a P.O.Box due to the large amount
> of mail you receive. If you wish to stay anonymous, you can invent a name
> to use, as long as the postman will deliver it.
Servo: Okay, okay, for God's sake, i know how to do this! I REMEMBER,
DAMMIT.
Mike: Servo...
>
> **JUST MAKE SURE ALL THE ADDRESSES ARE CORRECT. **
> -------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> ANOTHER EXCELLENT PROGRAM: "AutoPoster" http://www.spck.se/bulk/
>
> MULTIPLE. POSTING ON HUNDEREDS OF NEWSGROUPS AT ONCE . The worlds most
effective AutoPoster to Internet newsgroups!
>
> A high speed Newsgroup Auto Poster/Newsreader for Windows 95
Mike: This reminds me of the debt the world owes Bill Gates, who, with
his...
Crow: [cutting him off] Mike.
Mike: Yes?
Crow: Shut up.
> Autopost articles to more than 27,000 newsgroups
> Super fast - up to 12,000 posting per hour on a single PC
> Easy to run
Servo: Easy to train! Learns simple commands such as "sit", "stay", and
"kill".
>
> Built in Special Functions such as:
> Scramble Random Fake Sender
> Rotate Unlimited Postings
> Group Postings
> Force Hits
Crow: You know, these sorta sound like sexual activities, in a way.
Mike: Crow...
>
> -------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> =================
> Now the WHY part:
> =================
Servo: Because it's good, trust me! It is!
>
> Out of 200 postings; say I receive only 5 replies (a very low example).
Servo: I would have gone higher, but I'm only typing with ONE hand.
Mike: Tom...
> So
> then I made $5.00 with my name at #6 on the letter. Now, each of the 5
> persons who just sent me $1.00 make the MINIMUM 200 postings, each with
> my
Crow: Sure, he COULD have put the name of a poor starving kid, but
NOO...
> name at #5 and only 5 persons respond to each of
> the original 5, that is another $25.00 for me, now those 25 each make
> 200
> MINIMUM posts with my name at #4 and only 5 replies each, I will bring
> in
> an additional $125.00! Now, those 125 persons turn around and post the
> MINIMUM 200 with my name at #3 and only receive 5 replies
Servo: WE GET THE POINT! WE GET THE POINT!
> each, I will make an additional $626.00! OK, now here is the fun part,
> each
> of those 625 persons post a MINIMUM 200 letters with my name at #2 and
> they
> each only receive 5 replies, that just made me $3,125.00! Those 3,125
> persons will all deliver this message to 200 newsgroups with my name at
> #1
> and if still 5 persons per 200 newsgroups react I will receive
> $15,625,00!
> With an original investment of only $6.00! AMAZING!
Servo: Mmm... not really, I can do it with ONE hand.
Crow: Same here.
> And as I said 5
> responses is actually VERY LOW! Average are probable 20 to 30! So lets
> put
> those figures at just 15 responses per person. Here is
> what you will make:
Crow: ABSOLUTLY zilch.
>
> at #6 $15.00
>
> at #5 $225.00
>
> at #4 $3,375.00
Servo: Is this a return to the womb or something?
Mike: I feel so... so young...
>
> at #3 $50,625.00
>
> at #2 $759,375.00
>
> at #1 $11,390,625.00
Mike: What about zero?
>
> When your name is no longer on the list, you just take the latest
> posting
> in the newsgroups, and send out another $6.00 to names on the list,
> putting
> your name at number 6 again. And start posting again. The thing to
> remember
> is,
Mike: "RESISTANCE IS USELESS!"
> do you realize that thousands of people all over the world are
> joining
> the internet and reading these articles everyday, JUST LIKE YOU are now!
Crow: No.
Servo: Shouldn't there be a question mark there?
Crow: I think there was a shortage...
> So
> can you afford $6.00 and see if it really works?
Servo: Read... my.... lips... NO!
> I think so... People
> have
> said, "what if the plan is played out and no one sends you the money?
Crow: You're out six dollars, that's for sure! Ha!
> So
> what! Is there really a chance of that happening when there are tons of new
> honest users and new honest people who are joining the internet and
> newsgroups everyday and are willing to give it a try?
Servo: My sources say, "yes".
> Estimates are at
> 20,000 to 50,000 new users, every day, with thousands of those joining
> the
> actual Internet. Remember, play FAIRLY and HONESTLY and this will work.
Crow: Isn't he going to tell us HOW to play honestly and fairly? These
instructions are SOO inadequate.
> You
> just have to be honest.
Mike: We're looking for a few good men.
>
> By the way, if you try to deceive people by posting the messages with
> your
> name in the list and not sending the money to the rest of the people
> already on the list,
Servo: You will rot in hell forever.
> you will NOT get as much. Someone I talked to knew
> someone who did that and he only made about $150.00,
Mike: [sarcastic] Oh, sure, a "friend". Right.
> and that's after
> seven
> or eight weeks! Then he sent the 6 $1.00 bills, people added him to
> their
> lists, and in 4-5 weeks he had over 10k.
Servo: So? At Mervis Diamond Importers I can get a 24 carat diamond for
ten thousand dollars.
> This is the fairest and most
> honest way I have ever seen to share the wealth of the world without
> costing anything but our time!
Mike: Well, sure there's hard work, but this is SO much more honest,
really it is...
> You also may want to buy mailing and
> e-mail
> lists for future dollars. Make sure you print this article out RIGHT
> NOW,
Crow: Right.
> also. Try to keep a list of everyone that sends you money and always
> keep
> an eye on the newsgroups to make sure everyone is playing fairly.
Servo: [whining] Mooommm, Billy didn't send me my illegal money through
the mail!
Crow: [motherly] Now boys, when cheating and scamming, play fair.
> Remember
> that HONESTY IS THE BEST POLICY.
Servo: Then why not come out and say it: THIS IS A SCAM!
> You don't need to cheat the basic idea
> to
> make the money!
Crow: But it SURE helps!
>
> GOOD LUCK to all and please play fairly and reap the huge rewards from
> this, which is tons of extra CASH. Please remember to declare your extra
> income. Thanks once again...
Crow: You're NOT welcome.
>
>
Servo: Is it over?
Mike: I guess so...
=====================================================================
Servo: NOOOOO! IT WILL NOT BE STOPPED!
>
> LEGAL? ? ? (Comments from Bob Novak
Crow: Bob Novak, wanted in ten states for mail fraud, money laundering,
and grand larceny
> who started this new version.)
>
> "People have asked me if this is really legal. Well,
Servo: It isn't. But I don't care! Vote for me in 2000!
> it is! You are
> using
> the Internet to
Crow: Scam and con hundreds of people!
> advertise you business.
Mike: I've heard of "small business owners", but...
> What is that business?
Crow: Porn. Pure and simple.
Mike: Crow...
Crow: Bite me.
> You are
> assembling a mailing list of people who are interested
Servo: In scamming other people, who are interested in scamming OTHER
people...
> in home based
> computer and online business and methods of generating income at home.
> Remember that people send you a small fee to be added to your mailing
> list.
> It is legal. What will you do with your list of thousands of names?
Mike: Trade it in towards the next years model?
>
> Compile all of them into a database and sell them as "Mailing Lists"
> on the internet in a similar manner, if you wish, and make more money.
> How do you think you get all the junk mail that you do?
Crow: I always preferred to believe that the "junk-mail fairy" slipped
them under my pillow at night.
> Credit card
> companies, mail order, Utilities, anyone you deal with through the mail
> can sell your name and address on a mailing list, unless you ask them
> not to, in addition to their regular business, So, why not do the same
> with the list you collect.
Servo: I thought that was a question?
> You can find more info about "Mailing Lists"
> on the internet using any search engine.
>
> " So, build your mailing list, keep good accounts, declare the
> income and pay your taxes. By doing this you prove your business
Mike: Is a total fraud, standing for nothing
> intentions. Keep an eye on the newsgroups and when the cash has stopped
> coming (that means your name is no longer on the list), you just take
Crow: Off your clothes and PARTY NAKED.
> the
> latest posting at the newsgroups, send another $6.00 to the names stated
> on
> the list, make your corrections (put your name at #6) and start posting
> again.
Servo: What, he's not going to tell us how to do THAT? And they call
this simple.
>
> =====================================================================
Mike: It's over?
Crow: IT'S OVER!
All: Hooray!
[THEATER... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... HATCH]
[MST3K love theme]
copyright 1998 Rufus T. Firefly
Mystery Science Theater 3000, the characters within Mystery Science
Theater 3000, and all references to those are Copyright 1998 Best
Brains, inc.
-------------------==== Posted via Deja News ====-----------------------
http://www.dejanews.com/ Search, Read, Post to Usenet
JAS
Thank you for misting this most hated piece of spam. I cannot
understand why it keeps appearing in the newsgroups.