[MST] [PG] [AD] Chain and Rechain [2/3]
Natalie Welch
nwelch@greenapple,com.
[1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . 4 . . . 5 . . . 6]
[SoL Bridge. Mike is at a laptop, steaming cup of java at his side.]
MIKE: There's gotta be a downloadable firewall around here somewhere.
[Tom enters left, bearing a paper.]
TOM: MIke, thanks for getting us RobotsUnited.robot, *the* ISP for
robots everywhere. It makes your piddling human ISP look like
snail mail.
MIKE: You're welcome . . . I think.
TOM: RU.R is so fast, I can start and finish a little experiment
within the rest of today's spam. Here. [He gives Mike the
paper.]
MIKE: [Reads.] "Man trapped in orbiting satellite by mad scientist
. . . Please send the apropriate letter . . . Amnesty
International . . . forward to your friends . . . fax it . . .
mail it . . ." What's the experiment? Seeing if Pearl will
succumb to pressure from Amnesty International?
TOM: Don't we wish. No, this is to see how humanitarian spam, all
the variants of the "help poor Craig Shergold" fax/mail spam and
the like evolves.
MIKE: Ah. Good luck.
TOM: Thanks. [Leaves.]
MIKE: [Yells after Tom.] AND FIND US A FIREWALL WHILE YOU'RE AT IT!!
[Mike resumes surfing.]
[Then, Crow enters right, bearing a paper.]
CROW: Hey, Mike. thanks for getting us RobotsUnited.robot.
MIKE: You're welcome.
CROW: A nanosecond online, and I've already gotten some friendship
spam mail.
MIKE: What, "God loves you. Forward to all your friends, it's
National Friendship Week" kind of thing?
CROW: No. Take a look. [Hands paper to Mike.]
MIKE: [Reads.] "Add a single bit to the attached file, return it to
the 100 above you, then mail this to 100 of your friends."
Interesting.
CROW: This mail's been around for ages. It's been to UNIVAC, ENIAC,
Robby the Robot, Lost in Space's Robot, Tobor the Great, and many
other luminaries! I'll be a part of history! Got a coin?
MIKE: Yeah. [Fishes out coin from pocket.]
CROW: Flip it for me.
[Mike sets up and flips the coin.]
CROW: [As coin is in the air.] Heads, one; tails, zero.
MIKE: [Catches coin and looks.] Tails.
CROW: Zero it is. Thanks, Mike.
MIKE: [Yells after Crow] FIND US A FIREWALL, WILLYA?!?!?
[Mike starts to re-resume surfing, but then he stops, thinks, and
looks straight at Cambot.]
MIKE: I think we all know where this is going.
[Email sign.]
MIKE: WE GOT EMAIL SIGN!!!! [General chaos.]
[6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1]
[Theater.]
MIKE: Don't you guys want to check your Inboxes?
TOM: Nah, we'll do that next break.
> _________________AVAILABLE REPORTS__________________
>
> ORDER EACH REPORT BY ITS NUMBER & NAME ONLY.
MIKE: What else could we use?
> Notes: Always
> send $5 cash (U.S. CURRENCY) or Canadian for each Report.
CROW: Keep your stick on the ice.
TOM: Push the button, Frank.
MIKE: Never take another temp job at a pseudoscientific institution.
> Checks NOT accepted.
CROW: Because checks can be stopped if the mark wises up in time.
> Make sure the cash is concealed by
> wrapping it in at least 2 sheets of paper.
MIKE: This'll be our little secret. Don't tell the postman what
we've been doing.
> On one of those
> sheets of paper, Write the NUMBER & the NAME of the Report
> you are ordering, YOUR E-MAIL ADDRESS and your name and
> postal address.
TOM: The second sheet should be your W-2 form.
>
> PLACE YOUR ORDER FOR THESE REPORTS NOW:
CROW: Act now! Supplies are limited! Operators are standing by!
>
> =================================================
MIKE: And here's where Phase IV of the bypass will go. We'll be
bulldozing the huge mounds of ant colonies shortly.
>
> REPORT #1 ''The Insider's Guide to Advertising for Free on
> the Net''
CROW: Spam all the newsgroups you can find. That's it.
>
> Order Report #1 from:
TOM: Gullible person #1.
>
> J. Belfeuille
>
> 205 rue Sylvestre
MIKE: [Tweety.] Oooo, I rue the day I first taw dat puddy tat!
>
> Repentigny, PQ,
CROW: Repent, ye sinners, PDQ!
> Canada J5Y 2A9
>
> _____________________________________________________
>
> REPORT #2 ''The Insider's Guide to Sending Bulk e-mail on
> the Net''
CROW: We'll send you prepackaged mailing lists. Import them into
your mail program and send away!
>
> Order Report #2 from :
TOM: Gullible person #2.
> A. Dallaire
ALL: [Burst out laughing.]
MIKE: Can you say, "Fake name"?
TOM: I'd go with "Faux nom," myself.
> Internet JB
MIKE: Bond has his own Internet company?
CROW: No, it's Joe Bob Briggs!
TOM: No, it's Trekverse egomaniac Dr. Julian Bashir!
> 562 rue leclerc Appt 7
MIKE: Looks like somebody is rueing the day they joined an order of
abject poverty.
> Repentigny, Quebec, Canada, J6A 8A7
CROW: Repent, repeeeent!
>
>
> ____________________________________________________
>
> REPORT #3 ''The Secret to Multilevel marketing on the Net''
>
> Order Report #3 from:
TOM: Gullible person #3.
>
> Bonnie Jay
TOM: [Sings.] My bonnie lies over the ocean . . .
>
> P.O. Box 1463
MIKE: In fourteen hundred and sixty-three, Columbus' father paid a
little fee.
>
> Montrose, CO 81402 U.S.A.
>
> _____________________________________________________
>
> REPORT #4 ''How to become a millionaire utilizing MLM & the
> Net''
CROW: Come up with an original scam first. Don't use this over-used
one.
>
> Order Report #4 from:
TOM: Gullible person #4.
>
> Daryn Dunn
MIKE: Stick a fork in him. He's Dunn!!
TOM: [E! True Hollywood Stories narrator.] After the murder of his
sister, Dominique Dunn, Daryn unsuccessfully tried to break into
showbiz. Alas, the clout of neither his brother Griffin nor
father Dominick could not make producers overlook Daryn's lack of
talent.
>
> 6214 E. 126th St., Apt 302
CROW: Or was that 6126 E. 302nd St., Apt 214?
>
> Grandview, MO 64030 U.S.A.
TOM: Since when does a town in *Missouri* have a 126th Street?
>
> ______________________________________________________
>
> REPORT #5 ''HOW TO SEND 1 MILLION E-MAILS FOR FREE''
CROW: Stop using that pay-to-send email system! Sheesh!
>
> Order Report #5 from:
TOM: Gullible person #5.
>
> R. Bock
MIKE: L., Fatty.
>
> P.O. Box 491
>
> Paulden, AZ 86334 U.S.A.
MIKE: Finally, a reasonable address.
TOM: Yeah, but suddenly I'm imagining a sheep is "R. Bock."
>
> ____________________________________________________
>
> $$$$$$$$$$$$ YOUR SUCCESS GUIDELINES $$$$$$$$$$$$$$
TOM: Once again, 26 dollars in hidden costs.
>
> Follow these guidelines to guarantee your success:
CROW: [Nawlins accent.] Yes, jes' follow these here instructshuns
and Ah GUAR-AN-TEE success . . . wit' yo' gumbo!
>
> ***If you do not receive at least 10 orders for Report #1
MIKE: Tough cookies. The market is oversaturated.
> within 2 weeks, continue sending e-mails until you do.
TOM: Oh, sure, *encourage* them to spam even more people, why don't
you!
>
> ***After you have received 10 orders, 2 to 3 weeks after
> that you should receive
CROW: A knock on the door from your friendly neighborhood FBI man.
> 100 orders or more for REPORT #2. If
> you did not,
MIKE: Consider yourself lucky.
> continue advertising or sending e-mails until
> you do.
TOM: Unfortunately, this guarantees that everyone will keep getting
chain letter scams, because few will actually sign up.
>
> ***Once you have received 100 or more orders for Report #2,
> YOU CAN RELAX, because
CROW: You have picked neighbors as gullible as you!
> the system is already working for you
> and the cash will continue to roll in!
MIKE: [Sings.] Rollin', rollin', rollin, git yer moolah rollin',
scammers!
>
> THIS IS IMPORTANT TO REMEMBER :
TOM: [Teacher.] "This" is a word that refers to some other idea that
is already mentioned or will soon be mentioned. Remember it
well, class.
> Every time your name is
> moved down on the list, you are placed in front of a
CROW: Runaway freight train.
> Different report. You can KEEP TRACK of your PROGRESS by
MIKE: Counting the number of eggs people throw at your house.
> watching which report people are ordering from you. IF YOU
> WANT TO GENERATE MORE INCOME SEND ANOTHER BATCH OF E-MAILS
> AND START THE WHOLE PROCESS AGAIN.
TOM: AAAAAAHH! No! Not again!!
> There is NO LIMIT to the
CROW: Power of the almighty, omniscient God.
> income you can generate from this business!!!
> ______________________________________________________
>
> FOLLOWING IS A NOTE FROM THE ORIGINATOR OF THIS PROGRAM:
MIKE: So who is the original originator? I say Rasputin.
CROW: The biblical Cain.
TOM: Charles Ponzi.
>
> "You have just received information that
TOM: Your neighbors have known for years and years.
CROW: Your dog has died.
MIKE: Your neighbors knew that your dog died years ago, but pulled a
"Weekend at Bernie's" on you.
CROW: What acid have *you* been tripping on?
> can give you
> financial freedom for the rest of your life, with NO RISK
MIKE: No Risk?!?!? Aw, man, I *like* conquering Europe!
> and JUST A LITTLE BIT OF EFFORT.
TOM: TO TURN THE CAPS LOCK off.
> You can make more money in
> the next few weeks and months than you have ever imagined.
MIKE: Okay, I imagine 999,999,999,999,999,999,999 dollars right now.
Woohoo! I'll get at least 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 dollars!
CROW: With your luck, that'll be all Canadian money . . . wait . . .
that's still more than Bill Gates has.
>
> Follow the program EXACTLY AS INSTRUCTED. Do Not change it
> in any way. It works exceedingly well as it is now.
MIKE: But what if I have a way to improve it?
TOM: No! If it ain't broke, don't fix it.
> Remember
> to e-mail a copy of this exciting report
CROW: [Panting.] Ooh, pyramid schemes . . .
TOM: Oh, boy. Crow's trying to turn this into a blue fic.
MIKE: Here, I'll stop this.
[Mike reaches under his seat, bringing out a remote control-looking
thingy. With a large theatrical gesture, he pushes a button on the
remote. Water falls onto Crow, splashing him.]
MIKE: There's more where that came from, Crow, so watch it.
> after you have put
> your name and address in Report #1 and moved others to #2
> ............
TOM: The hey? Was that an ellipsis on steroids?
> #5 as instructed above. One of the people you
> send this to may send out 100,000 or more
MIKE: Bloodhounds.
CROW: Pit bulls.
TOM: Hit men.
> e-mails and your
> name will be on everyone
TOM: . . . 's hit list.
> of them. Remember though, the more
> you send out the more potential
CROW: Enemies.
> customers you will reach.
>
> So my friend, I have given you the ideas,
MIKE: Idea: Scam your neighbors!
> information,
CROW: Info: How to scam your neighbors!
> materials
TOM: Technically, not yet. You just told us *how* to get said
"materials."
> and opportunity
MIKE: To get ripped off.
> to become financially independent.
CROW: And we of the Sattellite of Love have given you, the reader,
advice and sarcasm designed to lead you away from this
temptation.
> IT IS UP TO YOU NOW!
TOM: JUDGE!! for yourself!
>
> ****************MORE TESTIMONIALS*****************
MIKE: Siskel gave this 16 stars, but Ebert gave it 17.
>
> ------------------------------------------------------------
CROW: On, Dasher! On, Dasher! On, Dasher! On, Dasher! On, Dasher!
On, Dasher! On, Dasher! On, Dasher! On, --
MIKE: Don't do that for *every* dash, Crow.
>
> ''Not being the gambling type, it took me several weeks to
MIKE: Work up the courage to go to Atlantic City and drop a few thou.
> make up my mind to participate in this plan. But
> conservative that I am,
TOM: I must confess that I like to participate in the devil's work
known as dancing.
> I decided that the initial
> investment was so little that there was just no way that I
MIKE: Could ever make enough money, so I backed out.
> wouldn't get enough orders to at least get
CROW: That Lear jet I've had my eye on.
> my money back''.
> ''I was surprised when I found my medium size post office
> box crammed with
CROW: Postal inspectors.
> orders. I made $319,210.00 in the first 12
> weeks.
TOM: UNREALISTIC RESULTS OVERLOAD!!! That's $160 per hour!
CROW: Hold on, there, buddy. did you spread it over all 22 weeks,
seven days per week, 24 hours per day?
TOM: Yes!!! And it still comes out to $160 per hour!
MIKE: Chill, Tom. Someone probably added a zero somewhere along the
line.
TOM: Oh, that makes sense.
> The nice thing about this deal is that it does not
> matter where people live.
MIKE: The long arm of the law will always reach you!
> There simply isn't a better
> investment with a faster return and so big''.
CROW: Of a criminal penalty.
> Dan Sondstrom,
> Alberta, Canada
TOM: So, it's more like 120 American dollars per hour. That's still
impossible, though, right?
>
> ------------------------------------------------------------
MIKE: Somewhere, a picnic is about to be invaded by ants.
CROW: Or an isolated research station.
TOM: Aw, these are moron ants! They only know a straight line! Now
if they can do a triangle within a circle, or actually spell out
words . . .
>
> ''I had received
[Mike immediately clamps his hands on Crow's mouth.]
MIKE: Don't you dare say anything obscene.
CROW: But I was only going to say "a swift kick in the rear."
MIKE: Suuuuurrre you were.
> this program before. I deleted it,
ALL: [Cheer wildly.] YAAAYYY!
> but
> later I wondered if I should have given it a try.
ALL: [Groans.]
TOM: I *knew* it was too good to be true.
> Of course,
> I had no no
TOM: Is that a double negative?
CROW: Someone committed a grammatical no-no.
> idea who to contact
>
TOM: Or appropriate places to break a line, apparently.
> to get another copy, so I had to wait
MIKE: Only about a week or so.
> until I was e-mailed
> again by someone else.........
CROW: And there's that mega-ellipsis again.
> 11 months passed then it
> luckily came again......
TOM: Twin ellipses have double-teamed us.
> I
>
MIKE: Finally wised up -- again -- and abandoned this mid-sentence.
TOM: We can only hope.
> did not delete this one!
MIKE: And the crowd goes wild!!!
BOTS: [Subdued.] Yay.
> I made more than $490,000
CROW: Selling my Microsoft stock.
> on my
> first try and all the money came within 22 weeks''.
TOM: AAAAAHH! $130 per hour! Impossible!!
> Susan De
> Suza, New York, N.Y.
MIKE: Michael C. Michaels, Kansas City, Kansas.
TOM: Tom D. Thomas, Walla Walla.
CROW: Crow T. Krow, Satellite of Satellites.
>
> ------------------------------------------------------------
CROW: Cut here -- please!
>
> ''It really is a great opportunity to make relatively easy
> money with little cost to you.
MIKE: It's easy to launder money for Nigerians!
> I followed the simple
> instructions carefully
TOM: And yet I can't get the toaster to work!!!
> and within 10 days the money started
> to come in. My first month I made $ 20,
CROW: Woo! *Finally* someone tells the truth!
> 560.00 and by the
> end of third month my total cash count was $ 362,840.00.
TOM: $170 per hour, 24/7 ???
MIKE: Stop thinking about it, Servo.
> Life is beautiful,
[Mike gets up on his chair, overly excited.]
MIKE: [Italian accent.] I want-a to kiss-a you all-a.
CROW: Sit down, Roberto. [Mike does.]
> Thanx to internet''.
TOM: The sequel to "You've Got Mail," in which Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan
rue the day they ever met, on *or* off line!
> Fred Dellaca,
> Westport, New Zealand
TOM: So, $150 US per hour, then?
>
> ------------------------------------------------------------
CROW: Man, do I want to see a spagetti bumper right now.
>
> ORDER YOUR REPORTS TODAY AND GET STARTED ON YOUR ROAD TO
> FINANCIAL
CROW: Ruin.
> FREEDOM!
>
> ==================================================
>
> If you have any questions of the legality of this program,
MIKE: [Cop on bullhorn.] STEP AWAY FROM THE EMAIL. REPEAT, STEP
*AWAY* FROM THE EMAIL!!!
> contact the Office of Associate Director for Marketing
> Practices, Federal Trade Commission, Bureau of Consumer
> Protection, Washington, D.C.
TOM: Who will refer you to the Postal Inspectors, Bureau of Chain
Letters, Office of Gullibility Control.
>
> ////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
CROW: Oh, look. A halftrack did a side wheelie.
>
> ONE TIME MAILING, NO NEED TO REMOVE
MIKE: [Spam author.] My arms and legs. Ow! Stop it! I promise I
won't do it again!
>
> ////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
CROW: And the halftrack returns.
>
> This message is sent in compliance of the proposed bill
TOM: Gates Memorial Spam Generator.
> SECTION 301. per Section 301,
CROW: I prefer complying with Section 8, myself.
> Paragraph (a)(2)(C) of S.
> 1618.
TOM: Subparagraph 813, sentence 1013, clause 3a, word "scam."
> Further transmission to you by the sender of this e-
> mail may be stopped at no cost to you by sending a reply to
MIKE: "Postmaster" at the scammer's alledged mail domain.
> :Soph...@email.com with the word Remove in the subject
TOM: "Removed from the theater, Servo felt much better."
> line.
CROW: Wait. I thought they said, "No need to remove."
MIKE: Don't think about it.
TOM: Yeah. It's only a tag meant to convince you that this is
completely legit and on the up-and-up.
> This message is not intended for residents in the
TOM: U. S. of A.
> State of Washington, screening of addresses has been done to
> the best of our technical ability.
CROW: Which is zilch.
>
>
>_____________________________________________________________________
> _
CROW: I hope this means the spam's flatlined.
TOM: Hey, they never told us Method #2!
MIKE: [Picking up Tom as they leave the theater.] Don't worry about
it, Tom. It's probably as scammy as Method #1.
[COMMERCIAL SIGN]
1. Watch as Judge Othniel brings in Tess from Touched By an Angel to
clean up Mssrs. Jones and Smith's messes in Four Times in a
Lifetime!
2. A Central Ohio car dealer is using a song parody in a commercial,
and it's NOT Fred Ricart?!?!?!?
3. Coming soon to a theater near you: Battlestar Galatica: The
Remake! Starring Survivor's Richard Hatch as Apollo, Mark Hamil
as Starbuck, and Leslie Nielsen as Adama!
[1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . 4 . . . 5 . . . 6]
[Bridge. Mike and the 'bots are dressed as Orthodox Jewish rabbis:
hats, twin curls, beards, prayer shawls, the works. Tom is chanting
cantor-style, which to the rest of us sounds like the isolated melody
of a Gregorian chant, of all things.]
TOM: [As cantor.] Mekka lekka hi, mekka lekka hi-dee-hooo . . .
MIKE: As a public service, the SoL Rabbinical Council --
CROW: I feel like some of us are missing. Like, about seven.
MIKE: [Continuing.] -- would like to help you know which spam is
kosher, and which isn't.
CROW: Kosher spam? Now *there's* an oxymoron!
MIKE: The meat product, or the junk email?
CROW: Both!!
MIKE: [Pronounced to rhyme with Levi.] Servi, will you remind us of
the law?
TOM: Gladly, Michael. [As cantor.] In the book of Serviticus, it is
written . . .
CROW: [As cantor.] Thou shalt not name a book after oneself . . .
TOM: [Annoyed, but continuing.] Thou shalt not send unsolicited
email . . . Thou shalt not scam via snail mail . . . Thou shalt
not send chain letters by email . . . Thou shalt not join
multi-level marketing schemes that depend on the responses far
past your direct referrals, as they are likely illegal . . .
CROW: [As cantor.] Thou shouldt learn a few more notes . . .
TOM: [Ditto.] Thou shalt not interrupt the cantor . . .
MIKE: Okay, that's enough, Servi and Crowchim. [To Cambot.] Point
being, there are multi-level marketing schemes that are more
kosher than others.
CROW: And we here at the SoLRC will tell you which is which!
MIKE: [Takes out a plastic container.] First, Tupperware!
BOTS: [Unison.] Kosher!!
TOM: Give parties to demonstrate the 'ware, sell it, earn commission,
and if you recruit others as sales reps, that's bonus money!
Kosher!
ALL: Kosher!!
[Mike takes out a typewritten paper. We can make out a list of
addresses.]
MIKE: Chain letter!!
BOTS: Not kosher!! [They spit on the paper.] Ptoo!!
CROW: Illegal gambling! Mail fraud! Um . . . uh . . . tell me
again, rabbi, why?
MIKE: Because you "gamble" that people haven't been too swamped with
other offers to spring for yours. Or that they're too dumb to
see how you can't reach the tenth generation and max out your
profits. And sometimes the only thing proveable is that some
fraud was committed via the mail.
CROW: As. [As cantor.] Adonai is wise . . .
MIKE: To recap, then: Chain letters are . . .?
ALL: Not kosher! Ptoo!!
MIKE: [Takes out various kitchen wares.] Pampered Chef?
BOTS: Kosher!!
TOM: Same business model as Tupperware. Kosher!!
ALL: Kosher!!
MIKE: [Takes out cardboard representation of browser bar.] Desktop
Dollars?
BOTS: [Hesitantly, reluctantly.] Kosher.
CROW: Get paid the view ads as you browse. Refer your friends, they
join, you get more moolah!! Ad-filled, but kosher.
TOM: Except if you get a referral from someone you barely know or
even don't know at all, it's unsolicited, therefore it's spam!
And that's not kosher!
MIKE: So this is . . . ?
TOM: Semi-kosher!
CROW: As kosher as beef during Lent!
[Tom and Mike look at Crow.]
CROW: [Trying to explain.] You know, only fish on Lent Fridays?
TOM: [Accusingly.] You wouldn't happen to be one of those Jews For
Jesus freaks who try to bring all Jews kicking and screaming into
the Christian fold, would you? Hmm???
CROW: No!! But I am friends with the Catholic priests on the SoL
Ecumenical council.
TOM: Oh, okay. [Double take.] Huh?
MIKE: Let it go, Servi. Crowchim's no Christian spy.
CROW: [To himself.] But I am a *Satanist* spy. The Dark One *will*
rule over all!!
MIKE: Huh, Crowchim?
CROW: Nevermind.
[Moving on, Mike brings out white boxes of various sizes embazoned
"Amway."]
MIKE: And finally, Amway!!
[The 'bots look confused.]
CROW: Uh, umm . . .
TOM: Yes! Uh, no! Umm, maybe! I don't know!
MIKE: [Reflexively.] Third base!
CROW: Supposed to be legit . . . but always a whiff of
underhandedness . . . not getting what you paid for . . .
legitmate business model . . . but do you get the product you
purchased?
TOM: Oh, great. The one time I think my head *should* explode, it
isn't. It should at least be falling off, BUT IT'S NOT!!!
[Email sign.]
CROW: [Relieved.] Saved by the bell.
TOM: The college years.
ALL: [Three-part cantor harmony.] We got email sign . . .
[6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1]
[Theater. The guys are shedding their rabbinical hats and beards and
curls.]
> From: "Albert Allison" <wstr...@hotmail.com>
> To: <pe...@castle.forrester.evil>
TOM: se...@sol.good
CROW: cr...@biteme.com
> Sent: Thursday, February 15, 2001 1:42 AM
> Subject: Featuered In Wall Street Journal!
TOM: GAHHH!! Bad spelling!
> Dear Friends & Future Millionaire:
MIKE: [Regis] Let's play "Who Wants To Be a Millionaire"!
>
> AS SEEN ON NATIONAL TV:
> Making over half million dollars every 4 to 5
CROW: . . . Minutes is easy with . . . oh, wait, I did that one
already.
> months from your home
> for an investment of only $25 U.S. Dollars expense one time
MIKE: Uh-oh, I'm getting a bad feeling of deja vu . . .
TOM: I'd say, "This message lapped itself," but this is a different
one. [Pause.] Isn't it?
> THANK'S
TOM: "Thank" is possessive??? Did they mean "Thank is"???
MIKE: Watch those grammar flames, Tom. I think we only have one more
spare head of yours left.
> TO THE COMPUTER AGE AND THE INTERNET !
MIKE: [Sarcastic.] *Thanks*, Cut and Paste!
CROW: [Ditto.] *Thanks*, Forward!
> ==================================================
TOM: [Sings.] The ants go marching two by two, hoorah, hooray . . .
> BE A MILLIONAIRE LIKE OTHERS WITHIN A YEAR!!!
TOM: Win on "That Millionaire Show!" Monty Python version!
CROW: [Cockney falsetto.] You will win 2,000,000 pounds if you can
answer *this* question: Which of these dishes has the least Spam
in it: A. Eggs and sausage. B. Eggs, sausage, and Spam. C.
Eggs, Spam, Spam, and Spam. D. Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, and
Spam.
MIKE: [English accent.] Uhh, well, I don't know, Ethel, I will just
have to poll a friend in the audience. Hey, Annie!
TOM: [English falsetto.] Yes, Michael? I'd say it's a trick
question. D!!
MIKE: [English accent.] Ethel, I'm going with . . . A!
CROW: [Cockney falsetto.] A, you say? Well, you would be . . .
correct!
> Before you say ''Bull'',
TOM: [Beating Crow.] . . . in a china shop!
CROW: I was gonna say that.
TOM: Riiiight.
> please read the following.
MIKE: No! I don't wanna read it!
> This is the
> letter you have been hearing about on the news lately.
TOM: Or just read thirty minutes ago.
> Due to the
> popularity of this letter on the Internet,
MIKE: We are reading this letter twice in one experiment.
TOM: Yeah. It's like watching the theatrical release and then the
director's cut all in one night.
CROW: No, I say it's a Gus Van Sant remake.
> a national weekly news
> program recently devoted an entire show to the investigation of this
> program described below, to see if it really can make people money.
BOTS: [Read along with the text.]
MIKE: REEEERRUNN, REEEERRUUNN!!!
> The show also investigated whether or not the program was legal.
> Their findings proved once and for all that there are ''absolutely
TOM: I'm ignoring those double apostrophes as quotes, since I know
this is a cut-and paste operation.
CROW: But that did not explain the "Thank's" above.
MIKE: It does if this one is older and someone mercifully edited it
before it became the other one.
> NO Laws prohibiting the participation in the program and if people
> can -follow the simple instructions,
TOM: You know, in search-engine language, that line would be read as
"can NOT follow the simple instructions."
> they are bound to make some
> mega bucks with only $25 out of pocket cost''. DUE TO THE RECENT
> INCREASE OF POPULARITY & RESPECT THIS PROGRAM HAS ATTAINED,
CROW: We are reading a remake of the previous message. I still vote
that this is the Gus Van Sant version.
> IT IS CURRENTLY WORKING BETTER THAN EVER.
MIKE: No, it means that many people can't get off the ground floor of
these pyramid schemes.
> This is what one had to say: ''Thanks to this profitable
> opportunity. I was approached many times before but
CROW: Once again, the guys just don't get it that I'm a lesbian.
> each time I
> passed on it. I am so glad I finally joined
TOM: GA -- Gullible Anonymous.
MIKE: Hi, I'm Mike, and I'm gullible.
BOTS: Hi, Mike!
CROW: Preemptive strike, there, huh?
MIKE: Aaayep.
> just to see what one
> could expect in return for the minimal effort and money required.
TOM: Minimal effort and money = minimal return on your "investment."
> To
> my astonishment, I received
MIKE: Absofreakinglutely nothing. What gives?
> total $610,470.00 in 21 weeks, with
> money still coming in."
> Pam Hedland, Fort Lee, New Jersey.
MIKE: Stock testimonial, AWAYYY!!!
> ===================================================
CROW: Stock divider, AWAY!!!
> Here is another testimonial: "This program has been around for a
> long time but I never believed in it.
MIKE: So why are we reading this from you, then?
> But one day when I received
> this again in the mail I decided to gamble
TOM: AHA!!!! That's exactly what the Postal Service thinks, too.
And I quote: "Chain letters are a form of gambling, and sending
them through the mail (or delivering them in person or by
computer, but mailing money to participate) violates Title 18,
United States Code, Section 1302, the Postal Lottery Statute."
From "The USPIS on Chain Letters,"
http://www.usps.gov/websites/depart/inspect/chainlet.htm.
MIKE: Boy, that RU.robot connection really comes in handy.
> my $25 on it. I followed
> the simple instructions and walaa
MIKE: [Singing the "Smurfs" theme.] Wa la la la laa, la la la la
laaa.
TOM: [Under his breath.] Lousy testimonial can't spell "voila"
right.
CROW: Which is worse, misspelling "voila," or mispronouncing it
"viola"?
TOM: I'd tell you, but then you'd do it just to annoy me.
CROW: You got that right, roundhead.
MIKE: Cool it, you two.
> ..... 3 weeks later the money
> started to come in. First month I only made $240.00
CROW: And that includes my $250/week job.
> but the next 2
> months after that I made a total of $290,000.00.
CROW: Including the $300K after-tax winnings in the lottery.
> So far, in the past
> 8 months by re-entering the program, I have made over
TOM: A million new enemies.
> $710,000.00
> and I am playing it again.
CROW: [Raul Julia's Bogart impression.] Play it again, Sham.
> The key to success in this program is to
> follow the simple steps and NOT change anything.''
MIKE: And more stock testimonials, AWAYYY!!!
CROW: [Roger Ebert as DVD commentator.] Here is where I feel the
theatrical release was an improvement over the director's cut.
The flow of the chain letter was significantly and detrimentally
slowed down by the inclusion of the second stock testimonial.
> More testimonials
> later but first,
> ===== PRINT THIS NOW FOR YOUR FUTUREREFERENCE ======
TOM: FutureReference, from Futurotannica. Why wait for someone to
ressurrect your head? Find out NOW how your name did or did not
go down in history.
> $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
TOM: Again with the hidden costs.
> If you would like to make at least $500,000 every 4 to 5 months
> easily and comfortably,
MIKE: Invest 10 million at a 15 percent per year rate of return.
> please read the following...THEN READ IT
> AGAIN and AGAIN!!!
ALL: WE'RE DOING THAT!!!!!
> $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
TOM: Boy, those hidden costs keep addding up and up, don't they?
> FOLLOW THE SIMPLE INSTRUCTION BELOW AND YOUR FINANCIAL
> DREAMS WILL COME TRUE, GUARANTEED! INSTRUCTIONS:
MIKE: [Sings.] When you wish upon a star . . .
CROW: [Sings.] Whistle while you work [Whistling.]
TOM: [Sings, falsetto.] Someday the cash will come . . .
MIKE: [Sings.] Bippitty boppity boop!
> =====Order all 5 reports shown on the list below =====
MIKE: Report #1: MST3K from KTMA to SciFi!
CROW: Report #2: Hopkins, Minnesota: The Home of the Info Club!
TOM: Report #3: ATM, AFM, RATMM: The MST3K Newsgroups!
MIKE: Report #4: Web Site Number Nine: Your first stop for
MiSTings!
CROW: Report #5: Stephen Ratliff: The Roger Corman of Fanficdom!
MIKE: Wait . . . that means that Ratliff helped an obscure future
producer of bad fanfic get off the ground, as Corman did with
American International.
CROW: *Ahem* He *is* the FAQ maintainer for alt.startrek.creative.
TOM: Not to mention the creator of a post-Next Generation storyline
that has its own groupies.
MIKE: Okay. You win. But I can't shake this image of Marrissa in a
Black Scorpion holodeck program and Jay as Det. Rafferty.
BOTS: AAARRRGH!
CROW: Don't give the man ideas!
TOM: [Sarcastic.] Thanks for the image, Mike!
> For each report, send $5 CASH, THE NAME & NUMBER OF THE REPORT
> YOU ARE ORDERING and YOUR E-MAIL ADDRESS to the person whose
MIKE: *Sigh* More fun with cut and paste!
> name appears ON THAT LIST next to the report. MAKE SURE YOUR RETURN
> ADDRESS IS ON YOUR ENVELOPE TOP LEFT CORNER in case of any mail
> problems.
TOM: Ah, yes. We would love to make sure you keep your money in the
event that one of us moves to, say, SING SING!!
> === When you place your order, make sure you order each of the 5
> reports.
CROW: Just don't read them, or else you'll know just how useless they
really are.
> You will need all 5 reports so that you can save them on your
> computer and resell them. YOUR TOTAL COST $5 X 5=$25.00.
MIKE: Nice to know that someone knows their calculus.
TOM: You! Plus sign! Me! Equals sign! Us!
> Within a few days you will receive, vie e-mail,
TOM: [Track announcer.] On the home stretch, Email is vying with
Snailmail for the lead . . . At the wire it's Email by a head!
> each of the 5
> reports from these 5 different individuals. Save them on your
> computer so they will be accessible for you to send to the 1,000's
> of people who will order them from you. Also make a floppy of these
> reports and keep it on your desk in case something happen to your
> computer.
CROW: No one will be seated during the exciting instructions
sequence!
> IMPORTANT - DO NOT alter the names of the people who are listed next
> to each report, or their sequence on the list, in any way other than
> what is instructed below in step '' 1 through 6 '' or you will loose
TOM: No, it's the original spammers who'll lose out, and it's "lose,"
you losers, "lose"!!!! Two "o"'s mean to untighten! One "o"
means to not win. Double-O Seven loosens blouses but never
loses! GOT IT?!?!?
CROW: I think Servo is "loosing" it.
TOM: AARRRGH! [Head explodes.]
MIKE: Boy, it's a good thing we have a stash of extra heads in the
theater. [He reaches down and retrieves a head.]
> out on majority of your profits. Once you understand the way this
> works, you will also see how it does not work if you change it.
CROW: Any tinkering you do will interfere with our finely-tuned scam.
[By this time, Mike has fitted a new head on Tom.]
TOM: Thanks, Mike.
MIKE: De nada.
TOM: I was trying to hold it in about those double apostrophes
standing in for normal quotes, but I guess the "loose" for "lose"
was the last straw.
> Remember, this method has been tested, and if you alter, it will NOT
> work !!!
CROW: Mr. Hyde will not give Dr. Jekyll the money that was sent to
Hyde's address.
> People have tried to put their friends/relatives names on
> all five thinking they could get all the money. But it does not
> work this way.
MIKE: Mainly because most people do not have four friends who will
agree to participate in this scam at all, let alone try something
like that above.
> Believe us, we all have tried to be greedy and then
> nothing happened.
TOM: Like the time a handful of people witness an accident and stop
to help the poor old man, only to find out he buried a fortune
under a big W, then race cross-country to dig it up, only to
gather even more fortune hunters along the way, but by the time
they find the money, a police detective nearing retirement grabs
it all, and they chase him up a rickety old building, only to
fall off the fire escape and have all the money flutter out of
their reach to the crowd below.
> So Do Not try to change anything other than what
> is instructed. Because if you do, it will not work for
CROW: Us.
> you.
> Remember, honesty reaps the reward!!!
TOM: And crime does not pay . . . for dinner.
> 1.... After you have ordered all 5 reports, take this advertisement
> and REMOVE the name & address of the person in REPORT # 5. This
> person has made it through the cycle and is no doubt counting their
> fortune.
MIKE: In getting in and out before the market became saturated.
> 2.... Move the name & address in REPORT # 4 down TO REPORT # 5.
TOM: Move along, folks, nothing to see here.
> 3.... Move the name & address in REPORT # 3 down TO REPORT # 4.
TOM: That's it, keep moving, folks.
> 4.... Move the name & address in REPORT # 2 down TO REPORT # 3.
TOM: I told you, there's nothing to see here in Area 51. GIVE ME
THAT CAMERA!!!
> 5.... Move the name & address in REPORT # 1 down TO REPORT # 2
TOM: Agents Doggett and Scully, go get that man! Whaddya mean, he's
a fellow agent? He wasn't wearing any ID!! I said, GET HIM,
NOW!!!
> 6.... Insert
CROW: Your own double entendre here.
> YOUR name & address in the REPORT # 1 Position. PLEASE
> MAKE SURE you copy every name & address ACCURATELY!
MIKE: Or don't, and make the Dead Letter Office *very* rich.
> ==========================================================
> ****
TOM: AAAAAHHH! Even the *remake* gets four stars!
> Take this entire letter, with the modified list of names, and
> save it on your computer. DO NOT MAKE ANY OTHER CHANGES.
TOM: [Gullible person.] Not even any editing for bad spelling in the
original?
MIKE: [Spam author.] No! You do *exactly* as we say, when we say
it, and nothing else! Stop thinking for yourself!
> Save this on a disk as well just in case if you loose any data.
[Pause.]
CROW: Wow, Servo didn't-- AAACK!
[Mike has reached over and grabbed Crow's beak.]
MIKE: Crow . . . [Releases Crow.]
CROW: I was gonna say "lose it," one "o"! Really, I was.
MIKE: Riiight.
> To
> assist you with marketing your business on the internet, the 5
> reports you purchase will
TOM: So very NOT
> provide you with invaluable marketing
> information which includes how to send bulk e-mails legally, where
> to find thousands of free classified ads and much more.
MIKE: That can be found for free with your favorite search engine.
But do we tell you that? No sirree bob!
> There are 2 Primary
CROW: Schools who let out early today.
> methods to get this venture going:
> METHOD # 1: BY SENDING BULK E-MAIL LEGALLY
TOM: Oh, sure. Just *encourage* them to suck up bandwidth, why don't
you!
> ==========================================================
CROW: And our intrepid travellers encounter yet another road still
under construction.
> Let's say that you decide to start small, just to see how it goes,
> and we will assume You
CROW: AAAAAHH! There's God again!
TOM: What, was this chain letter found at the Wailing Wall?
> and those involved send out only 5,000 e-
> mails each. Let's also assume that
MIKE: You are a complete loser.
> the mailing receive only a 0.2%
> response (the response could be much better
TOM: Yes, *everyone* could respond, flooding your Inbox, and causing
your ISP to cancel your account.
CROW: Suddenly I'm wishing for a greater response to this spam.
> but lets just say it is
> only 0.2%. Also many people will send out hundreds of thousands e
> mails instead of only 5,000 each). Continuing with this example,
MIKE: Oh, please, you don't have to. We've heard it already.
> you send out only 5,000 e-mails. With a 0.2% response, that is only
> 10 orders for report # 1. Those 10 people responded by sending out
TOM: See above for *my* responses.
> 5,000 e-mail each for a total of 50,000. Out of those 50,000 e-mails
> only 0.2% responded with orders. That's=100 people responded and
> ordered Report # 2.
MIKE: Hey, I just realized we forgot to subtract postage.
> Those 100 people mail out 5,000 e-mails each for a total of 500,000
> e-mails. The 0.2% response to that is 1000 orders for Report # 3.
> Those 1000 people send out 5,000 e-mails each for a total of 5
> million e-mails sent out. The 0.2% response to that is 10,000 orders
> for Report # 4.
TOM: That's right, Mike! I *did* forget postage.
> Those 10,000 people send out 5,000 e-mails each for a total of
> 50,000,000 (50 million) e-mails. The 0.2% response to that is
> 100,000 orders for Report # 5 THAT'S 100,000 ORDERS TIMES $5
> EACH=$500,000.00 (half million).
MIKE: [Regis.] Who WANTS to be a Half-Millionaire!
> Your total income in this example is: 1..... $50 + 2..... $500 +
> 3..... $5,000 + 4 ... $50,000 + 5..... $500,000 ........ Grand
> Total=$555,550.00
TOM: Minus 5 times 35 cents postage comes to $555,548.25. See? Not
as big a profit as they would have you believe.
> NUMBERS DO NOT LIE.
CROW: Oh, but people sure do!
MIKE: And robots.
> GET A PENCIL & PAPER AND FIGUREOUT
> THE WORST POSSIBLE RESPONSES
MIKE: Lynch mob; hanged, drawn, and quartered; skinned alive;
electric chair; buried alive; being forced to *watch* "Buried
Alive," and the sequel . . .
> AND NO MATTER HOW YOU
> CALCULATE IT,
TOM: It's still a scam!
> YOU WILL STILL MAKE A LOT OF MONEY !
> =========================================================
CROW: Man, equals signs don't lend themselves to lots of divider
jokes. I think we've exhausted them already.
> REMEMBER FRIEND,
MIKE: Hey, is he addressing this to Quakers now?
> THIS IS ASSUMING ONLY 10 PEOPLE
> ORDERING OUT OF 5,000 YOU MAILED TO.
> Dare to think for a moment what would happen if everyone or half or
> even one 4th of those people mailed 100,000e-mails each or more?
MIKE: Again, I pick "Truth."
CROW: Which is better: IBM or Mac?
MIKE: Amiga!
TOM: Arrrgh! Leave it to Dr. F. to pick *two* Amiga enthusiasts! He
is *truly* evil.
> There are over 150 million people on the Internet worldwide and
MIKE: Only 10 of them are naive enough to fall for this scam.
> counting. Believe me, many people will do just that, and more!
> METHOD # 2 : BY PLACING FREE ADS ON THE INTERNET
TOM: Yay! Method # 2!!!
CROW: [Roger Ebert as DVD commentator.] Here is where the director's
cut is superior over the theatrical release. The inclusion of
the second method that was merely alluded to in the original
really fleshes out the true motivations of the narrator.
> =======================================================
TOM: Yeah, yeah, divider, equals signs, yadda yadda yadda.
> Advertising on the net is very very inexpensive and there are
> hundreds of FREE places to advertise.
MIKE: Utility poles, for one.
CROW: [Tough guy.] Hey, Moe, lookit this! "Work at Home." Hmm, I'm
thinkin' of doing just this. I'm tired of scurryin' up and down
poles.
> Placing a lot of free ads on
> the Internet will easily get a larger response.
TOM: Aaaah! I just realised they're telling them to spam
newsgroups!!! That'll keep some newsgroups on artificial
respiration long past their usefulness.
MIKE: Like alt.tv.mst3k.mistings?
> We strongly suggest
TOM: You step away from this message.
> you start with Method # 1 and dd METHOD # 2 as you go along. For
> every $5 you receive, all you must do is e-mail them the Report they
> ordered. That's it. Always provide same day service on all orders.
CROW: But remember the Ferengi Rule of Acquisition Number 19:
Satisfaction is *not* guaranteed.
TOM: Fanbot!
CROW: No, I looked it up on the Internet.
MIKE: Sure, and I'm a Grand Nagus.
TOM: Faaanboyyyssss!
> This will guarantee that the e-mail they send out, with your name
> and address on it, will be prompt because they can not advertise
> until they receivethe report.
CROW: [Sermon.] Yea, and he who doth recievETH the repoooRT shall
live loooooNG and proooossspPER!
TOM: *Now* we'll check our Inboxes. [All leave.]