[MISTied - The Two Golden Moons] 1/1

[Rufus T. Firefly]

Before I begin, I would like to give recgonition to Shay Caron, who
pretty much took my idea and MADE IT WORK in the host segments... nary a
word of his original copy has been changed. Shay, I salute you.

(turn down your lights... turn up the volume)

"In the not-too-distant future
somewhere in time and space
Mike Nelson and his robot pals
are caught in an endless chase
pursued by a woman
whose name is Pearl
an evil gal who wants to rule the world
she threw a few things in her purse
and in her rocket ship she hunts him all across the universe
"I'm sending him cheesy spamming
the dumbest
I can find
he’ll have to sit and read them all
and his monitor is mine"
now keep in mind Mike can't control
when the spamming begins or ends
because the evil corporations
want to sell stuff to his robot friends
robot roll-call!
Cambot!
Gypsy!
Tom Servo!
Croooow!
if you're wondering how he’s in cyberspace
and stuck on USENET
just repeat to yourself
"it's just a 'zine
I should really just relax"
for mystery USENET theater
3000!"

[hatch... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... SOL]

[Satellite of Love. Mike's tinkering with a large pile of machinery.
Crow and Tom Servo look on.]

Mike: Almost done.
Crow: Since when are you the mechanical expert?
Mike: Since the authors said so. Also the nanites helped.
Servo: And what's this thing supposed to do?
Mike: Well, I'm trying out a mind-switching device.
Crow: Oh, like the one featured in one episode of "Darkwing Duck"?
Servo: And "Power Rangers"?
Crow: And just about every other superhero show ever created?
Mike: Uh, yeah, something like that. I plan to switch my mind with
Pearl's--
Bots: Ewwww!
Mike: Only for a little while. I'll set the SOL free, push the
self-destruct button in the van, then switch back before the explosion.
Servo: Hey, maybe you could switch with the Observer instead!
Crow: Nah, his mind wouldn't fit in Mike's head.
Mike: Yeah, you're probably--hey.
Crow: Hee hee.
<click>
Mike: There. Who wants to test it?
[Silence. After a few seconds, Servo whacks Crow with his head. Crow
yelps and jumps.]
Mike: Ah, thank you, Crow.
Crow: But? I was just-- Wha?!
[Mike flips a switch on the machine, turns two dials, and hits a button.
It makes a loud crackling noise, and Crow and Mike twitch for a moment.]
Crow: That was weird.
Mike: Hmm, I'm still me.
Servo: Well, back to the [Movie Sign alarms go off] Fanfic Sign. Oh no,
FANFIC SIGN!!

[6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...]

[theater]

Servo: Why didn't Pearl call us?
Mike: Some sort of surprise fanfic, I guess.

>
> This is just a short (Very short)

All: Thank you, god!

> story I wrote in response to a
> challenge that I placed to my ST list group JetC13--

Mike: The challenge was, "see if you can outdo Ratliff's latest." I
failed miserably.

> who I happen to
> be a list mom.

Crow: A list mom? What is a list mom?
Servo: I wouldn't know.

>
> Enjoy--

Crow: Yeah, I wish.

>
> ---------------------------

Servo: Witness, the amazing "straight line"
Crow: Well so far the story isn't THAT bad
Mike: Just you wait...

> Series:Voyager
> Codes: J/C

Crow: "Judicial Content?"
Servo: "Just Checking?"
Mike: "Jiminy Cricket?"

> Parts:1/1

Servo: Wouldn't it be PART 1/1?
Crow: Now remember, this guy is trying to outdo Ratliff.

> Ratiting:

Mike: Crow, don't even THINK about it.

> PG-13 for a Flash of Chakotay's rearend

All: Ewwww....

>
> Disclaimer: All things Star-trek are owned by Paramount/Viacom (Cept
> for fan fic which walks a very fine line), but The state of Oregon

Mike: I guess this falls into the "if you can't capatalize correctly,
just throw in caps randomly" law...

> has
> rights to use their images on Lottery Tickets (Go figure).
>
> The Two Golden Moons...

Mike: Crow, I don't want to hear it.
Crow: Mike, I find your constant accusations towards my tendancy to make
what some may call off color remarks to be nothing but tedium ad
nauseam, like an early Ratliff work only a lot more so.
Mike: Bite me.
Crow: Hey, that's MY line!

>
> By Lor
>
> "Enter," cried Chakotay

Servo: (wailing) COME IN, damn you, COME IN!

> from somewhere hidden deep in his steam filled
> bathroom.

Crow: Twelve words into the story, and ALREADY I'm filled with disgust.
Servo: Hold on, whatever happened to "I'm taking a shower, be out in a
second"???

> He knew he was running a bit late, but the actual water

Crow: Wow, in the future, we'll have ACTUAL WATER in our showers!?
Mike: It's strange, but true!

> shower had felt so good on his aching muscles. The sonic showers

Servo: A sonic shower? I always thought that the word SONIC related to
sound.
Crow: No, I think this refers to a sonic the HEDGEHOG shower... custom
made, nice and small.
Servo: So Chakotay is a hedgehog?
Crow: Beats me.

> didn't compare. Unfortunately it took longer for him to get ready.
> "Kathryn, it will just take me a second to finish getting ready.

Crow: Now THERE'S a good line read!
Mike: Wait, I thought he INVITED her in!?
Servo: And who is this Kathryn, and how does he know it's her?
Crow: Mental telepathy? I dunno.

> Make
> yourself comfortable." He leaned his hand out to verify that it was

Crow: --A hand.
Servo: "Yep, this IS a hand."

> indeed his Captain.

Mike: Is he also his own grandfather?

>
> It was the first time that she had every seen Chakotay without the shirt

Crow: This narrative style is confusing me. Can you guys help?
Mike: Well, shoot away, Crow.
Crow: First off, who is she?
Mike: I believe her name is Kathryn.
Crow: Second, does he only have ONE shirt, hence the word "the"?
Mike: I guess so.
Crow: And also--
Servo: I think we're forgetting the story here...
Crow: You HAD to remind us.
Servo: Well, I like it... in a masochistic, "Eye of Argon" sora way...
never mind.

> on, other than the times in the sick bay.

Mike: That's a bay without climate control.
Servo: Or a bay full of CROW clones!
Crow: HEY!

> His bronze skin gleamed from the
> beads of water high-lighting

Mike: I guess we've outgrown the need for fluorescent lighting.
Servo: I'm sure Jim Theis is very pleased.

> his well formed muscles of his broad

Crow: We have to work on the repitiveness here... it still isn't up to
the level of Ratliff at his best.

> chest. She knew he worked out several hours a day to keep his body in

Mike: --The skintight spandex he was wearing.

> top form. He turned to go back into the bathroom, giving her a
> brief flash of a white towel as he went.

Servo: OOOH, baby... flashing towels, HOT MAMA...
Crow: Now that's NOT FOR YOUNG CHILDREN!
Mike: Hubba, hubba hubba.

>
> Kathryn stifled a gasp, when she realized that he was stark buck naked

Servo: Wait. Then how did he give her a flash of TOWEL!?

> except for that little white towel rapped around his middle.

Mike: So how did she come across THAT brilliant deduction?
Crow: It may be that, in the future, we all wear clothes under our
towels.

> She
> forced herself not to think of the very naked man who was in the next

Servo: So if "very naked" means wearing a towel, what is "fully
clothed?"
Crow: Can you say "Muslim woman," Tom?

> room with the door open.
>
> She stood and walked towards the windows that opened up

Mike: Wow, windows that open up on a spaceship? I don't know if that's a
wise idea or not...

> into the vast
> emptiness of space. This was a mistake.

Crow: As she suddenly realized that the windows WERE OPEN and she was
sucked into the vacuum of space!
Servo: YEAH! Now if only Marrissa would do that...
Crow: We can always hope.

> He stood in the bathroom,

Crow: Okay, we get the POINT. He is in a bathroom. Very nice.

> the angle of the mirror was such a way that it reflected into the
> windows. She could see his muscles flex, as he shifted as he shaved

Servo: In the future, MEN will also shave their legs.

> himself. The towel slipped lower, until all she saw was skin.

All: SPARE US!!!!!!!!!!!!

> The
> mirror cutting the picture off at his low waist.

All: Whew!

>
> It seemed to be getting hotter in his quarters awfully quickly.

Mike: (imitating Chakotay) Don't TALK about my quarters!
Crow: Mike, it is MY job to come up with the vaguely sexual euphemisms!
Then you say "Crow..." It's written in stone!
Mike: Bite me.

> Kathryn rubbed her temple, her fingers itching like made to rip the

Servo: Very SKIN off her face!

> towel off and explore his firm flesh. The way he hand manipulated

Mike: His --
Crow: (cutting him off) Mike...

> his razor, made her think of ways they could manipulate her.

Crow: Why, they could send her some of the marvelous spam we were
reading last week!

> Now she
> knew why she always had him meet her in her quarters.

Crow: Mike, don't EVEN think about it.
Servo: You know, why is it all of a sudden that YOU'RE the one telling
HIM to back off?
Crow: No clue. I don't writes them, I just does em.

> This was almost
> to much for her to handle.

Servo: Above all, Chakotay was famous for his love handles.

>
> Chakotay turned and walked out of the bathroom, heading for his bed

Crow: (Chakotay, whining) I SAW you peeking! I'm going to bed!

> area where he kept his clothes. She caught a glimpse of bare flesh,
> the towel gaping as he walked.

Servo: Nothing worse than a perverted towel.

> Every time he would take a step,

Crow: (matter of factly) He would move FORWARD!

> bronze thigh would appear in the reflection.

Mike: Is that another nickname we haven't been told of?
Servo: I think that's the local Indian chief.

> Each step caused the
> towel to become looser, till the bottom curve of his butt was visible.

All: NOOOO!!! SPARE US!!!

>
> "Did you want to eat in the mess,

Mike: What are they, pigs or something?

> and risk Neelix's food this morning?
> Or blow some

Mike: Crow, please... don't bother.
Crow: I hate to break it to you, Mike, but I haven't made a SINGLE
reference to anything sexual or scatological. YOU'VE been doing that,
not me.
Servo: He's right.

> rations in your ready room?" Chakotay called out to her
> as he walked away from her.

Servo: Bringing a whole new level to the word, "redundancy!"

>
> It took her a minute to find her voice. She tried to control it,

Crow: But her his her her her was herring his her, thus hissing her his
his her his hers he she.
Servo: Well done.
Crow: Thank you.

> because she didn't want to sound out of breath. The site of his skin

Mike: Was the site of many a hard fought war.

> was doing her in. She wanted to turn around so badly and walk in to
> his bed room. The idea of throwing him down on the bed held definite

Crow: Disgust.

> merit. Kathryn wondered how Chakotay would take it.

Servo: Or even IF he would take it.

> Oh good, she ached.

Mike: So this is told from the point of view of a sadist?
Servo: I guess so.

>
> Then it happened, the towel slipped completely off in his last few

All: PLEASE, NO!!!!!

> steps to his closet. Kathryn's breath caught, and the ache that had
> begun to grow turned to a raging forest fire.

Mike: The sight of Chakotays' stretch marks put a quick and sudden end
to the fire.

> Pure fire coursed thru

Servo: Was there a per-character charge on this guys' word processor?

> her system, and centered in her thighs. She was caught between

Mike: A rock, and a soft place, in this case Chakotay.

> turning
> and running from the room, and her bodies need to plunder his.

Crow: So, wait, they each have multiple bodies? All of a sudden this
turned into a Vonnegut story.
Servo: We can only dream...

> Too very round bronzed muscles peeked out her,

Crow: He should try Jenny Craig.

> as he walked away from her.

Crow: If I see the word "her" one more time...
Mike: I feel your pain, buddy...

> There definition not hindered by the reflection of the glass. Her

Crow & Mike: NOOOOOOOO!!!
Servo: Uh-oh...

> fingers curled into a tight ball. How was she going to make it thru
> the day? Her eyes closed, but all she could see was his naked bronze
> butt.

Servo: Wouldn't he rather spell it "but," in keeping with the other
abbreviations?

>
> In the other room Chakotay simply smiled.

Crow: Chakotay was a simple man, and simple is as simple does.

>
> –fin–

All: Good God, yes!

>
> PS...I am working on a huge project right now...It will be a bit

Mike: Worse than this one.
Servo: You're sounding like Crow.
Mike: Bite me.

> before any more lengthy stories come from me.

All: THANK YOU!!!!

> Give me a week or two.

Mike: Hell, we'll give you a MONTH or two!

> *************************************************************

Crow: And that was the most coherent and non-redundant sentance in the
story.

> "The conquest of fear lies in the moment of its acceptance.

Crow: Aww, Fear just wants to be accepted...
Servo: And you, you sound like Mike!

> And understanding what scares us most is that which is most

Servo: Err, scary.

> familiar, most common place -- that boy next door...
> extraordinary only in his ordinariness, could grow up to be
> the devil in a button down shirt. It's been said that the
> fear of the unknown is an irrational response to the excesses
> of the imagination. But our fear of the everyday, of the

Servo: Electric Mitten

> lurking stranger, and the sound of foot falls on the stairs,
> the fear of violent death and the primitive impulse to survive

Crow: Sure, surviving is SUCH a low-level instinct, we humans have
outgrown that need.

> are as frightening as any X-File, as real as the acceptance
> that it could happen to you." ...Chris Carter, "Irresistible",
> The X- Files.

All: Let's go!

[1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6...]

[SOL. Everyone is looking at the machine.]

Servo: Y'know, guys, I think this machine is what made you act so weird
today in the theater.
Mike: I'm not acting weird.
Crow: Me neither.
Servo: Gypsy? [She rushes in.]
Gypsy: You're acting weird. [She leaves.]
Mike: Oh.
Crow: Hm.
Servo: Now, come on! Help me set this thing up. [Servo pokes at the
machine.]
Crow: Here, lemme help. [He pulls the lever on the side. The machine
(hands up if you didn't see this coming) explodes, sending smoke
everywhere.]
Mike: Ow.
Servo: <cough> Nice job, Crow!
Crow: Oh, bite me hard, Servo.
Mike: Crow...
Servo: Well, looks like things are back to normal. [The Mads Sign
flashes.] Oh, the Warners are calling. [He taps the button.] Yes, o cute
one?

[Pearl's VW. Bobo is sitting in the front seat, scowling. Pearl and
Observer are in the back seat.]

Bobo: I hate you, Nelson.
Pearl: This is quite peculiar, indeed.
Observer: Hey, look! I'm omnipotent! Whee! [He zaps Pearl.]
<ZAP>
Pearl: Ouch! Stop that!
Observer: No way, Brain-less Guy! Woohoo!
Bobo: Well, until next time, Mike.
<ZAP>
Pearl: Oww!
Observer: Hee hee!
Bobo: [turns to the back seat] You two stop that RIGHT NOW!!
Pearl, Observer: Sorry.

[Fade to black.]
<ZAP>
Pearl: OK, that's it! Gimme my brain back!
Observer: Hey, it's mine now!

[Over the credits, Pearl and Observer struggle loudly.]

(c) 1998 Rufus T. Firefly / Shay Caron
All MST3K references are created / owned by Best Brains, and they
deserve all the thanks possible for making such an awesome tv show. May
they never be forced to watch any summer blockbusters. Amen.

Writers:
Theater segments written by Rufus T. Firefly
Host segments written by Shay Caron

Special thanks to:
Shay
Jamie
Best Brains, whom without cable tv wouldn't be worth the price
Emily

SUPER-DOUBLE-DUPER special thanks to Shay, whom without this would
totally suck ass.

Original idea:
Best Brains

Semi-original idea:
Rufus T. Firefly

Original execution of a semi-original idea:
Shay Caron

Semi-original execution of a semi-original idea:
Paula Abdul

Unoriginal execution of an unoriginal idea:
Seinfield / 90% of tv programming being made today

<ZAP>
Bobo: OWWW!!
Observer: Oops. Sorry.