MSTed: Ratliff's "Cadet Cruise" (1/2)
Petrea Mitchell
some inexplicable reason there's a piano off to the side, and various
mugs and glasses and pizza boxes on the table. Crow and Tom are leaning
against the piano; Crow has a mug of beer in one hand. In the back of
the room is a big poster-sized photograph of Michael O'Donoghue.]
TOM: I sang for you... don't I get a Least Loved Bedtime Story?
CROW: No, you don't.
TOM: What? But... why, Mr. Mike?
CROW: Because you sang bad, kid.
TOM: [suddenly blubbering] Oh, God, I'm going to miss that man! Why did
he have to die?
CROW: [also blubbering] Why couldn't they have taken me in-
stea-a-a-a-d!...
[Enter Mike. He's wearing a jet black jumpsuit and a black top hat.]
MIKE: Hi everyone. Welcome to the Satellite of Love. News is a bit slow
up here... we just got the report about Michael O'Donoghue's
death. Y'know, "Mr. Mike" on Saturday Night Live, writer during
the show's golden age, the whole deal. While Voltaire and P. G.
Wodehouse deserve mentioning, Michael O'Donoghue is regarded by
many as godfather of the bitingly sarcastic remark.
TOM: Death be not proud, for you have taken from us a great man! [con-
tinues blubbering]
MIKE: Come on, you two. We have to do our bit here. Anyway, Mr. O'Dono-
ghue was something of an inspiration to us all and we wanted to do
a little something... You guys ready?
TOM and CROW: [calming down] We're ready.
GYPSY: [entering] Ready! Live, 1994 prime-time season, with nine-inch
knitting needles jammed into their eyes.
[All bow their heads for a moment, then:]
TOM: AAAAAAUGH!
CROW: AAAAH! AAAAGH! AAAAGH!
GYPSY: AAAAIEEE!!!
MIKE: AAAAUGH! AAAAH!!
[Rushing around, absolute chaos and screams, ending with everyone col-
lapsed behind the desk. Commercial Sign flashes, and Mike's hand reaches
up weakly to press it.]
[Looking for MST3K: The Movie trailers? Surely you jest. It took us here
at Comedy Central three years to kill off this show, and we're not going
to start promoting it now!]
[SOL. All 'bots are here and Mike is back in his normal green jumpsuit.]
MIKE: Good job, you guys. You really got into your characters.
TOM: I think I portrayed Adam Sandler brilliantly.
CROW: I have dibs on Kevin Nealon.
[The Mads' light starts flashing.]
GYPSY: Oh, look, Shasti and Dierdre are calling.
MIKE: What's happening, sirs?
[Cut to Deep 13. Dr. Clayton Forrester is there, looking vaguely ner-
vous. The place is rather more nicely cleaned up than usual, and there
is no sign of Frank anywhere.]
DR. F: Hello, Kevin Sleet. I'm afraid we're going to have to skip the
pleasantries and the invention exchange today...
[SOL Bridge. Mike is holding up a big ugly piece of machinery with se-
veral large playing cards attached to various components.]
MIKE: But what about my five-speed dual-overhead-cam pinochle deck?
[Deep 13]
DR. F: You'll just have to save it for next time, because... [in a theat-
rical whisper] I'm being audited! [normal voice] Ever since the
Gizmonic Institute and I-- uh-- went our seperate ways, I've been
getting funding under a grant from the American Association for
the Advancement of Mad Science. They're rather more strict than
Gizmonics was, I'm afraid... so for the good of the many it's go-
ing to be necessary to, ah, sweep a few things under the rug, as
it were.
[SOL Bridge]
CROW: [suspiciously] Where's Frank?
[Deep 13]
DR. F: [unconvincingly] Oh, around.
[There is a loud hollow thump on the wall.]
FRANK (offscreen): Doctor, how long do I have to stay in the reactor
core? My hair's falling out in *clumps* now!
DR. F: *Quiet*, Frank, or I'll take away your dental coverage.
FRANK: I'll be quiet.
DR. F: As I was saying... for a number of very good reasons I don't
think the AAAMS needs to know about our little movie project.
They get so antsy when you don't spend *every penny* of a grant
*exactly* the way you're supposed to.
[SOL Bridge]
TOM: Let me get this straight-- you've been embezzling money to keep
the Satellite of Love in operation?
CROW: Money that was given to you in the name of advancing pure science?
For shame!
MIKE: Yeah, that's pretty low, even for you, Dr. Forrester.
[Deep 13]
DR. F: Oh, "embezzlement" is such a loaded term! I prefer to think of it
as... redistribution of wealth. Ah-heh.
[The doorbell chimes.]
DR. F: Oh, dear. The auditor's here. Now remember kiddies, not a word to
let the auditor know you're around. But I wouldn't want you to be
bored-- and making trouble-- so just to keep you busy, I'm sen-
ding you "Cadet Cruise", the latest toxic spill by Stephen Rat-
liff--
[SOL Bridge]
ALL: AAAAAAAGGGGHHHHH!!!!
CROW: I'd rather have the knitting needles!
[Deep 13]
DR. F: [affecting surprise] Oh, you *are* familiar with his work, aren't
you? Well, this sequel lives down to its predecessors.
[The doorbell chimes again.]
DR. F: [hastily] Eat Ratliff, Adam Warren. [He pushes the button and then
hurries to the huge hatchway at the back of the set.] Coming!
[He spins the handle and opens the hatchway.]
DR. F: [at his most ingratiating] Ahh, Doctor... Emily... Crichton!
Isn't it? Please, do come in!
[Enter Doctor Emily Crichton (who bears a striking resemblance to Nu-
veena), a tall black-haired woman carrying a clipboard. She's wearing a
lime green lab coat with tie-dye stylings that make it look much cooler
than Dr. Forrester's. On the chest of the coat is a Deep 13-style patch
that says AAAMS - AUDITING DIVISION below a little icon of a dollar sign
with wings.]
DR. F: Sorry about the delay-- those Nobel people will talk your ear
off.
DR. C: [clearly uninterested] Can it, Forrester. You may as well know
this is a formality. The Association has already decided to boot
your sorry ass out. But since I'm here, you may as well start the
tour and show me what you wasted all that grant money on.
DR. F: Ah... oh, dear.
[SOL Bridge. Alarms, buzzers, et cetera go off...]
MIKE: We've got fanfic siiiiiiign!
*...6...5...4...3...2...o...
[Our Heroes enter the theater and sit down...]
CROW: I can't help but think that I'm paying off karma at a vastly ac-
celerated rate.
> From j...@cis.ksu.edu Fri Jul 1 13:27:49 EDT 1994
> Article: 9390 of alt.startrek.creative
> Path: news1.digex.net!news.intercon.com!howland.reston.ans.net!vixen
MIKE: One of Santa's reindeer brought this post?
CROW: Yeah-- you must have been a really bad boy this year!
> .cso.uiuc.edu!moe.ksu.ksu.edu!cis.ksu.edu!jfy
MIKE: I wonder what kind of anal-retentive control freak actually reads
all those "path" things.
TOM: ...ksu.edu!jfy-- Did you say something, Mike?
MIKE: Never mind.
> From: j...@cis.ksu.edu (Joseph F. Young)
> Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
TOM: Jumbo shrimp.
CROW: Military intelligence.
> Subject: AUTOPOST: CadetCruise.zip (part 01/01)
TOM: I see the file name follows the "title-dot-value" format.
> Followup-To: alt.startrek.creative
> Date: 30 Jun 1994 05:30:11 GMT
> Organization: Kansas State University, Dept. of Computing and
> Information Sciences
> Lines: 667
CROW: Ratliff: The Neighbor Of The Beast.
> Distribution: world
> Message-ID: <jfy.77...@depot.cis.ksu.edu.cis.ksu.edu>
> NNTP-Posting-Host: depot.cis.ksu.edu
> Summary: Automated posting of fiction from the alt.startrek.creative
> archive
MIKE: That should require a go-code from the President or something.
>
> This is an automated reposting of fiction from the
> alt.startrek.creative
> archives.
TOM: [mechanically] You have already heard our demands. You will bow
down to us in time.
> This is archive file: story/tng/Stephen_Ratliff/CadetCruise.zip
> Any comments, questions, etc. about the archives may be
> addressed to j...@cis.ksu.edu.
> =====================================CUT HERE=========================
> ==========
> Exploding: CadetCruise
CROW: [announcer voice] Oh, the humanity!
> >From sratliff@rucs2 Thu Apr 21 15:49:09 1994
> Status: RO
> X-VM-v5-Data:
MIKE: So Data's serial number is X-VM-v5?
CROW: Well, you're enough of a fanboy to know...
MIKE: I am not! I just watch it sometimes.
> ([nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil nil]
TOM: Yeah, we _wish_ this file was nil.
MIKE: Nil and void?
CROW: Yeah, like the plot....
> ["32765" "Thu" "21" "April" "1994" "16:48:36" "-0400"
> "srat...@rucs2.sunlab.cs.runet.edu" "srat...@rucs2.sunlab.cs.runet.edu"
> nil "632" "Submission to archive: Cadet Cruise" "^From:" nil nil "4" nil
> "Submission to archive: Cadet Cruise" nil nil] nil)
MIKE: This sounds like a self-destruct code.
TOM: Wishful thinking is only going to make it worse.
> Return-Path: <sratliff@rucs2>
> Received: from rucs2 by depot.cis.ksu.edu SMTP (8.6.7)
> id PAA14816; Thu, 21 Apr 1994 15:48:46 -0500
> Received: from triton.cs.runet.edu (triton.sunlab.cs.runet.edu) by
> rucs2
> (4.1/SMI-4.1)
> id AA03566; Thu, 21 Apr 94 16:48:38 EDT
> Message-Id: <9404212048.AA03566@rucs2>
> Mime-Version: 1.0
> Content-Type:
ALL: It stinks!
> text/plain; charset=US-ASCII
> Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit
> Content-Length: 32765
> From: srat...@rucs2.sunlab.cs.runet.edu
TOM: Hey, check it out... "rue-net!"
CROW: Yeah, they're ruing the day they gave Ratliff his account.
> To: j...@cis.ksu.edu
> Subject: Submission to archive: Cadet Cruise
TOM: So what is a Cadet Cruise, anyway?
CROW: It's a Carnival Cruise staffed by Tom Cruise wannabees.
> Date: Thu, 21 Apr 1994 16:48:36 -0400 (EDT)
>
> Mr. Young
> This is my thrid
TOM: I don't think I'm gonna make it through this one...
> startrek story. The others reached you via the
> regular channels.
CROW: Wrapped around a brick and thrown through your window.
> However, it appears that outgoing posts are not
> being
> sent out of Radford University.
TOM: [numbly] Those Radford computers again! They stand, like Horatius
at the bridge, defending the Net from Ratliff, bloodied yet
unbowed... [dissolves into tears]
> As the semester is nearing its end I
> am sending you the story to place int the archives.
>
> Sincerely
>
> Stephen B. Ratliff
>
> Star Trek ________
> The Next Generation ___---'--------`--..____
> ,-------------------.============================-
> (__________________<|_) `--.._______..--'
> | | ___,--' - _ /
> ,--' `--'Cadet | by Stephen Ratliff
> ~~~~~~~`-._ Cruise |
> `-.______,-' SECTION 1
MIKE: Oh, Lord love a duck, he's even got weenie ASCII to go with it.
CROW: Well, it's nice and all, but I think these computer-generated ef-
fects still have a way to go before they look as good as models
do.
TOM: I bet it's misspelled somehow.
>
> Prologue
> ~~~~~~~~
TOM: The past is prologue.
>
> Captain Picard and his daughter were packing to return to the
> Enterprise.
CROW: Great, we're trapped in Ratliff's continuity again.
MIKE: You mean DIS-continuity, Crow.
TOM: [as Bela Lugosi] Dis is Dis.
> It had been a nice vacation at the Picard family vineyard
> in Lavar,
CROW: Burton
> France. But now it was time to leave.
MIKE: [overdone French accent] Get out, you stupid pseudo-French Bri-
tish actor type person! And take EuroDisney with you... stupid
American fanfic... Jerry Lewis writes better fanfics...
TOM: So we say goodbye to the sunny vineyards of the Picard family and
board our ship, our destination unknown!
> "How many T-shirts did you get in town this month?" Captain
> Jean-Luc Picard asked.
> "Four,"
MIKE: [Picard voice] THERE... ARE... FOUR... SHIRTS!
> Marrissa said, displaying them as she packed.
TOM: [falsetto] See, this one's from Danzig's last tour and I've got a
Megadeth and a Ministry and a Nine Inch Nails shirt Trent Reznor
sweated on!
> The first
> was a white one with the french flag
MIKE: [overdone French accent] That's capital "F" in French, you un-
couth American pig-dog!
> and the Effail Tower on it.
CROW: Effail to see the point of that.
TOM: Apparently Gustave Eiffel was a victim of revisionism sometime be-
tween now and the 23rd century.
> The
> second one was colored like the Starfleet Command Branch Uniform with
> the Words Future Starship Captain
MIKE: Probably in the next installment.
> across the back and front. The thrid
TOM: ThIRd! ThIRd! My God, man, you're in COLLEGE!!
MIKE: Easy, Tom....
> was a white one with Golden Gate Bridge on it.
CROW: [sings] I left my Webster's in San Francisco...
MIKE: Apparently the Golden Gate Bridge was also victim of revisionism
sometime between now and the 23rd century.
> The last was black with
> Captain Picard's picture cir. StarDate 42000 and the sky line of the
> small village of Lavar
TOM: Yeah, a _really distinctive_ skyline that is, too!
> and the words I visited Lavar,France,Earth home
> of Captain Jean-Luc Picard.
MIKE: "And all I got was this lousy T-Shirt."
CROW: That isn't a run-on sentence, that's a marathon sentence!
> "Where did you get that one?" Captain Picard said with
> distaste.
TOM: At a Creation Con. They were selling them right next to the "Star
Trek: Voyager" rectal suppositories.
[MIKE and CROW audibly wince.]
> "The shop next to the Catholic Church," Marrissa Picard said
CROW: [announcer voice] Star Trek admits the existence of religion in
the future. Subspace at 11.
> "I'll be having a word with Phillipe before I leave," the
> Captain said.
TOM: [Picard] Hey, Phillipe, where's my ten percent?
> "That shirt needs to be sent to file 13."
CROW: You mean Deep 13.
MIKE: No, he wants to deep-six it.
TOM: No, that's the file where they hide all the continuity errors.
CROW: Yeah, it's in between the "cheap plot devices" file and the "deus
ex machina" box.
> Marie Picard poked her head into the room.
MIKE: ...on a long pike, dripping blood!
'BOTS: Eww.
> "Starfleet Command
> called," Marie said. "they want you to call them as soon as possible."
MIKE: And they said your answering machine message wasn't funny, either.
CROW: [Picard] Damn that Wacky Messages tape. Ah, well, two bucks
down the drain.
TOM: [singing] Nobody's home! Nobody's hooooooome...
>
> Captain Picard entered the shuttle he had brought with him
TOM: Jeez, the way he phrased that it sounds like the shuttle was
in Picard's luggage.
> on
> the front lawn.
MIKE: Clearly he's been carrying the front lawn around with him too.
CROW: Wait a minute, Picard's been grabbing a Starfleet shuttle for his
own personal use? Isn't that what they nailed John Sununu for?
> He activated a screen and weaved he way though
> Starfleet bureaucrats
TOM: Using Quail Man's quail-like skills of bobbing and weaving.
MIKE: Picard dodges a red tape tangle, slips past a committee, and
SCORES!
> intil the person who wanted to contact him,
> Admiral Theresa McGuire, was reached.
> "Captain Picard your orders have been changed," McGuire said.
CROW: [sultry voice] You are to report to my cottage on the Riviera,
and ditch the kid..
> "You will be commanding a 2 week Cadet Cruise on the Maine starting
> stardate 45600."
MIKE: Oh, great, two weeks on a ship full of Wesley Crushers!
CROW: After the first ten minutes he'll be begging Malcolm McDowell to
kill him.
TOM: May I remind you that we must suffer this cruise of the damned as
well.
CROW: Ah... Okay, WE'LL be begging Malcolm McDowell to kill us.
> "Why the sudden change?" Captain Picard asked.
> "Szustakowski of the Roanoke was to do it but he is dead,"
MIKE: Yeah, I guess that would change things.
TOM: Oh, Starfleet is *really* on top of things. They only just found
this out?
CROW: [falsetto] Well, he was just *sitting* there and not responding
to a *word* I was saying and two days later when he started to
smell bad I just knew *something* was wrong...
> Admiral McGuire said. "All of the other people who chould do it are
> otherwised engaged in the Cardassian War. And since the Enterprise
> will not be finshed with its upgrade/repairs you are the only Captain
> available."
MIKE: I don't know about you two, but my bogometer just pegged.
CROW: It took this long?
> "Inform the Maine I and my daugher will be aboard at 1200
> hours
> tommarrow.
TOM: This is going to be a bad one, I can feel it in my bones.
> Captain Jean-Luc Picard out."
>
CROW: Meanwhile, in another part of the fanfic...
> The Romulan procouncil was debating with Sela over her planned
> attack.
TOM: [Picard] Will you please get off this comm channel? I'm not done
talking with Admiral McGuire.
> "With the Cardassian war going on the Federation Fleet is
> streached out," Sela said. "I could break though to Vulcan with just
> the three ships I own."
MIKE: She owns the ships? She must be loaded!
CROW: Actually, I hear there's still a pretty big mortgage on the flag-
ship...
> "The Federation fleet has not withdrawn border patrol,"
MIKE: And why should they? It's a perfectly good album.
TOM: But we asked them so *nicely* to leave the border unguarded...
> The
> Procoucil responed.
> "The Chicago, The Stargazer, The Philladephia, it's not a
> patrol
CROW: ...it's an adventure!
> its a laughing stock," Sela replied.
MIKE & TOM: [dully] Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha.
CROW: Much like a certain Mr. Ratliff and this fanfic.
> "Your plan does have merits," the Procoucil said after a
> pause. "You may proceed. But I am assigning The Bloodfire and
> Deathwing to your fleet."
TOM: [as "Procoucil"] Along with the Paper Cut, the Pinprick and the
Stubbed Toe.
MIKE: [as Sela] Those aren't very threatening names.
TOM: Well, they're not very threatening ships. Designing warbirds to
look like sunflowers-- what were we thinking?!
> "Thank you," Sela said and walked out of the office
> Immedaitely after the meeting she went home to the Starburst.
TOM: [singing] The juice is loose!
CROW: But isn't O.J. Simpson in jail?
TOM: Dammit, Crow...
MIKE: Just so you guys know, one more O.J. joke and we hit quota.
> Everyone at Romulan Space Command assumed this was to check on her
> 2 month old triplets.
CROW: Same old story-- can't find decent day care anywhere.
> However, this visit had more to do with talking
> to her babies 'Nanny'.
MIKE: [as Sela] Hello, Nanny Morden. How are the kids?
CROW: [as Morden] What do you want?
MIKE: To see you and the kids.
>
CROW: But what do you want?
MIKE: I just wanted to see you and the kids.
CROW: But what do you want?
MIKE: Look, I just wanted to talk to you and see the kids...
> "The plan is working," Sela began. "but the procoucil assigned
> the Bloodfire and Deathwing to our fleet."
CROW: But what do you want?
TOM: I want you two to shut up!
MIKE: Yes, Tom, but what do you WANT?
TOM: AAAARRRRRRGGGGGGHH!!!!!!!
> "Don't worry the plan will suceed," the Nanny replied.
MIKE: No matter how many stupid contrivances it takes.
CROW: [evilly] No one has ever defied the Republican Party and lived!
>
> ^L
TOM: Even Ratliff's control-L's are lame.
> Chapter One
> ~~~~~~~~~~~
[All sigh hopelessly.]
>
> Shuttle Garrett
CROW: Morris?
> approaching USS Maine
> An Ambassidor Class Starship
TOM: You sure you don't mean an "Embassador-Class Starship"?
MIKE: Feel free to write coherent sentences any time now...
>
> "May I take her in?" Marrissa asked.
> "You aren't a certified pilot," Captain Jean-Luc Picard said.
TOM: Warning! An undetonated plot device has just been discovered!
Please calmly but quickly evacuate the area!
> "Check the shuttle's log," Marrissa said. "Data certified me
> on STARDATE 47477."
CROW: [Marrissa] Just after I learned how to reprogram him.
> "Then take the helm Marrissa,"
MIKE: That's our Captain Picard-- all the consistency of Jello and
*twice* the backbone.
> Captain Picard said. "Shuttle
> Garrett to USS Maine."
> Doctor Crushers voice came over the intercom, "Shuttle Garrett
> this is the Maine. Go ahead Garrett."
TOM: I'm a doctor, not a flight control officer!
> "Garrett to Maine," Picard said. "Requesting clearance to land
CROW: Preferably about twenty kilometers worth of clearance!
> with Captain."
> "Land in the aft shuttlebay," The doctor replied. "I'll meet
> you there, Jean-Luc. Maine out."
TOM: [elderly voice] Remember the _Maine_!
> "Plot a course to the aft shuttlebay, Marrissa," the Captain
> said.
MIKE: [as Marissa] Can't I just steer towards it? It's right over there!
> "Scenic or Normal?" Marrissa asked.
CROW: [mechanically] One or Two Players?
TOM: Normal! NORMAL! For the love of God, NORMAL!!
> "Data gave you a rating of Excellent
CROW: [singsong] But not in piloting...
MIKE: [aghast] Crow!
> so lets take the scenic
> route," Picard said.
TOM: Let me see every detail of my impending fiery death.
> The shuttle traveled along the underside of the saucer of the
> Maine.
MIKE: Whose guns suddenly flared to life and fried the puny shuttle.
CROW: Yeah, dream on.
TOM: [yawning] Wake me up when we get there, Mike. [He slumps down onto
Mike's left shoulder.]
> It neared the Warp Engines and cross behind the dorsal connecting
> the saucer section to the stardrive.
CROW: [yawning] Yeah, ditto, Mike.
[He slumps down onto Mike's right shoulder.]
MIKE: Why do I feel like that guy in _Jurassic Park_?
> The shuttle then drove under the
> starboard Warp Engine and circled the pilon until it came in line with
> the aft shuttlebay.
[Mike glances back and forth, and then yells out...]
MIKE: My God! I can't believe they did that!
CROW: [waking suddenly] Huh?
TOM: [waking suddenly] Wha?
MIKE: The shuttle hit the back of the Maine and blew up! It was awful!
Oh, the humanity!
CROW: [apoplectic] What?! Marrissa died and we *missed* it?
TOM: You didn't wake us up for it?
> While it was doing this Marrissa kept the window
> facing the most of ship she chould.
CROW: Wha-- _hey_!!
MIKE: [chuckling] Psych.
TOM: [huffy] I can never trust you again.
> The shuttle easied into the bay
> and landed so smoothly that Captain Picard asked when she planned to
> touch down 30 seconds after she had.
CROW: But then, Captain Picard's getting old, and doesn't notice as much
as he used to...
>
> Doctor Crusher and Westley Crusher were waiting for them when
> they exited the shuttle. "Welcome aboard Captain," Wesley said.
TOM: Okay. Welcome, Mr. Board! My, what a sturdy piece of lumber you
are...
> "Enjoy your vacation Jean-Luc," Doctor Crusher said.
CROW: [as Picard] Okay, I will. Bye!
> "Very much so Beverly," Jean-Luc replied.
TOM: [with Sarcasm Sequencer at full power] I simply *love* being locked
up in a small room with this obnoxious little smartass dickweed...
MIKE: Calm down, Tom.
> "Did you pilot that shuttle in Captain?" Westly asked.
CROW: No, it was an old football buddy of mine. I was on the phone hol-
ding a gun to my head...
MIKE: Quota.
CROW: Okay, okay.
> "The
> whole bridge crew was on edge when it went under the Warp Engine."
MIKE: [matter-of-factly] Yeah, they couldn't get a clear shot at it.
> "No Marrissa piloted it in," Captain Picard stated.
> "You have got to be kidding." Westly replied.
CROW: I'm supposed to be the insufferable kid genius around here!
> "Am I kidding Marrissa?" the Captain asked.
> "No" Marrissa replied.
CROW & MIKE: [muted trumpet sound] WAH Wah wah....
TOM: Oh, that settles it. The *great* Marrissa Picard has spoken.
> "I've got some bad news for you Captain," Dr Crusher said.
MIKE: We've searched and searched, but there's no way out of this fan-
fic. We're going to have to go through with it until the end.
> "We are the only commissioned Star Fleet Officers aboard."
> "You mean that Starfleet gave me a ship with 750 cadets on
> board
> ," Captain Picard said," and only 2 Starfleet officers and told us to
> review them in 14 days."
CROW: And you have 29 Stardates to destroy 14 Klingon vessels.
MIKE: That Starfleet! What a bunch of kidders!
> "Apparently son,"
CROW: [as Wesley] Breasts! Uh-- oh-- what?
> Doctor crusher said. "One things for certain
> I'm not crawling though jefferies tubes replacing currcuits and
> evading
> security."
TOM: [snooty voice] Oooh! Are we too good for that sort of work?
> "Sounds like fun," Marrissa said.
> "Then the job's yours," Captain Picard responded.
MIKE: [falsetto] Cool! Can I clean out the methane toilets, too? Can I?
Can I? Can I?
>
> The Neutral Zone
> STARDATE 47603
> USS Chicago
CROW: Hey, they finally released Chicago!
>
> "5 Romulan Warbird
TOM: Isn't that a rap group?
> decloaking," the Tactical Officer said.
MIKE: Does this Tactical Officer have a name?
TOM: I would guess her name is... Lieutenant Deadmeat.
> "Hail them," Captain Sam Morgan said. "Notify the Border
> Partol,
> Requesting assistance, raise shieds, and go to RED ALERT."
CROW: [Morgan] This spelling is just out of hand!
> "The refuse to answer," the officer responed.
TOM: Well! How rude!
CROW: Yeah, but what about the refuse to answer?
> First two then all five fired on the Chicago. The Chicago
> resisted bravely but was destroyed.
MIKE: Doesn't Ratliff have a way with battle scenes?
CROW: Yep-- pulse-pounding, nail-biting, ACTION!
TOM: Yup. Lieutenant Deadmeat it is.
> ^L
MIKE: No one will be admitted during the chilling Line Feed segment.
> Chapter Two
> ~~~~~~~~~~~
> Captain Picard arrived on the bridge. "Captain on the
> bridge,"
CROW: ...announced Ensign Redundancy.
> the tactical offficer said as everyone snapped to attention.
MIKE: Wait a minute, the Tactical Officer's not dead after all! There
she is, on the bridge of the Maine!
TOM: Wow! What a miraculous escape!
[All applaud]
> "Status, Helm," Picard asked.
> "Coarse 128 mark 8 warp 3," Cadet Szustakowski said.
CROW: Isn't Szustakowski the one who...
MIKE: Well, if they're ever attacked the pirates of Penzance, they'll
come through fine.
> "Engineering," Picard contined
> "All systems functioning normally," Cadet Crushers voice
> filtered up from Engineering.
TOM: We're using the machine that goes PING!
> "Tactical," Picard inquired.
> "All weapons available with a seconds notice," Cadet Ross
> Lochard replied.
MIKE: Dear Sir: This is your second notice. The weapons you ordered are
available for pickup in the Sheboygan warehouse.
> "Ship is secure ... no wait power to security systems
> is out on decks 3,4,and 5 as are lights on 3,4,5,6,and 7."
> "Ask security to apprehend the person responsable," Captain
> Picard said.
CROW: All right! We get to play LAPD tonight!
> "However, phaser usage is forbidden."
TOM: We prefer cattle prods and rubber truncheons.
>
> Marrissa Picard was having the time of her life. Setting traps,
> evading security, hiding in cargobays while security passed by;
CROW: Decompressing whole sections at random...
TOM: Flushing overloading phasers down the johns...
MIKE: Helping Cadet Ratliff with his fanfics...
> this
> excerise was a kid's dream. She settled down in a crew longue and
> picked up a copy of Nancy Drew and the Cumbling Wall.
TOM: Ah, a selection from the Book of the Month Club.
CROW: [English accent] Oh, you get this, _Les Miserables_, _The French
Lieutenant's Woman_, and a hundredweight of fresh dung.
> When Security
> Cadets Tanner, Gladstone, and Henderson stopped by
MIKE: Hello...
CROW: Hello...
TOM: Hello...
ALL: HELLO!
> looking for the
> security breach she was deeply into the book and it took awhile for
> them to get her attention
MIKE: Psst! Joat!
TOM: [as hick sheriff] She paying attention yet?
CROW: Nope.
TOM: OK, empty another clip into her, boys.
> "Did you see any one go by in the last 5 minutes?" Cadet
> Gladstone asked.
MIKE: Yes, now that you mention it, there was this mysterious one-armed
man...
> "A red-haired woman in a lab coat pasted by hear a minute ago,"
CROW: But then she got stuck in traffic.
> Marrissa replied. "She went toward Engineering. If you hurry you might
> catch her."
TOM: Red-haired woman... heading for Engineering... oh no, Kei and Yuri
are on this ship! Run for your lives!
> The three bolted to the door. Marrissa meanwhile visited a
> near-by transporter room to insert some curcuits.
MIKE: Crewcuts?
TOM: Oww! Oww! Stop it! My head won't fit in there.
> Half-way to
> Engineering, Cadet Gladstone decided that he better report in,"
> Gladstone
> to Bridge." Gladstone was enveloped by a transporter beam and
> disappeared.
MIKE: He was kidnapped by aliens!
CROW: They've probably locked him in a room with John_-_Winston!
> Cadet Tanner decided she better report this problem to the
> bridge and she suffer the same fate.
TOM: Big light come, take her to sky!
MIKE: Jeez, the aliens are having a field day today.
CROW: Yeah, you'd think snatching Elvis' brain was enough, but nooooo...
> Meanwhile Cadet Gladstone had appeared in the brig. However
> he was missing some items, namely a uniform and a communacator.
MIKE: Ooo, awkward moment there.
TOM: I smell another "Banned From Argo" parody.
> Moments
> later Cadet Tanner joined him.
CROW: Woo hoo! Parrrrty!
> Of Coarse Cadet Henderson was not as stupid
MIKE: Coarse Cadet?
TOM: Think she's made of pumice?
CROW: Nah, soapstone. The crew uses her to scrape off unsightly callus-
es.
> and took a turbolift
> to the bridge. Via Sickbay, Engineeering,
TOM: I think you mean EnginIEEEring.
> the Computer core, and the
> botanical gardens.
CROW: ["Minnewegian" accent] Oh, look, the botanical gardens.
TOM: [ditto] Oh, I hear they have the loveliest Antarean death dai-
sies...
> Cadet Henderson arrived on the bridge.
MIKE: Er, if the turbolifts were reprogrammed, why did Henderson ever
get to the bridge?
CROW: He crawled through one of the holes in the plot.
TOM: Crawl, nothing. People could walk through the holes in this plot
twelve abreast.
> Cadet Lochard had been
> left in command earlier. Henderson addressed Cadet Lochard," Sir,
> Cadets Tanner and Gladstone disappeared in a transporter beam when
> they tried to report in."
MIKE: Cadets Mulder and Scully are investigating the disappearances.
> "Computer location of Cadets Tanner and Gladstone?" Ross
> inquired.
> "Cadets Tanner and Gladston are on the Bridge," the Computer
> replied as the uniforms and communicators of the said cadet
CROW: "The said cadet"? Is Ratliff in pre-law?
MIKE: Now there's a frightening thought....
> appearred
> in front of Ross Lochard's feet.
TOM: Wow! Instant clothing delivery.
MIKE: Well, that's one of the benefits of living in a perfect universe.
> Shortly after the Uniforms appeared
CROW: ...a millenium or so...
> Ross got up to examine them. He was rewarded by two liters of a clear
> red liquid dropping on his head.
CROW: Which caused him to collapse, screaming in agony, and dissolve
into a puddle of goo.
MIKE: Gee, your sense of humor is getting dark....
CROW: Ratliff has that effect on people.
> Just then Captain Picard walked in. "Captain premission to
> take
> the transporters off line," Ross asked.
> "Premission Granted," Captain Picard said. Then looking at
> Lochard's soaked uniform and wet hair he said, "you may also have a
> break to clean that strawberry juice
CROW: Why, it's Picard's Own Strawberry Juice, the official strawberry
juice of Starfleet!
MIKE: Now, get over here and rub your head against my toast.
> from your hair and uniform."
> Tasting the liquid for the first time
TOM: Mmm, AB negative!
> Ross asked," How did you
> know it was strawberry juice?"
MIKE: Ratliff told me.
> "Lucky guess," Captain Picard said. To Cadet Henderson who
> releaved Lochard
CROW: So Lochard's species needs regular doses of yeast, then.
> at tactical he ordered," Send someone to release the
> Cadets from the Brig."
TOM: [singing] Please release me, let me go...
MIKE: Hey, it's Ensign Henderson from seaQuest DSV!
>
MIKE: Not that I ever watch that show, of course.
> Five minutes later Cadet Lochard was returning from cleaning
> up.
> On the way back in the turbolift stopped to pick up another passenger.
TOM: Wesley Snipes *is* Passenger 57.
> A blond haired 12 year old girl entered the turbolift and said,
> "Bridge."
> "Children are not allowed on the bridge," Ross said.
CROW: Hey, now I recognize him. It's Ross from "Catching Trouble"!
TOM: [humming] Catching Trouble, yes indeed...
> "I happen to be an exception," the girl replied.
CROW: I'm a main character, so bite me.
> "Their are NONE."
MIKE: Are you calling Duane Barry a liar?
> "What was your grade in REG 220?"
> "C- but ...
> "Then I don't think you are the one to tell ME what to do,
> Cadet Lochard."
> Lochard was about continue when they arrived on the Bridge.
> The
> Girl walked out boldly to the Captain. Lockhard had barely exited the
> turbolift when she spoke to the Captain,
CROW: ...having just had the world's fastest sex change...
> "Cadet Lochard seems to need
> to know regulations 23-4 and 214-2."
MIKE: You mean the ones about washing your hands after you leave the
bathroom?
> Szustakowski, would you care to inform Cadet Lochard of those
> regulations," Captain Picard ordered.
CROW: [falsetto] No, I would not care.
TOM: "Like We Care", on MTV.
> "Please list those personal
> aboard the Maine who wrote it."
> "Regulation 23 section 4," Cadet Szustakowski said,
CROW: Trained Starfleet officers shall at all times defer to obnoxious
kid geniuses.
> "Commanding
> Officers of other Starships have the right to be on the bridge of the
> ship they are traveling during normal conditions.
MIKE: So, Starfleet has to regulate the obvious...
CROW: Well, brain death is a requirement in Starfleet.
> Regulation 214
> section
> 2,
TOM: Trained Starfleet officers shall make as many stupid mistakes as
neccesary to make said obnoxious kid geniuses look superior.
> The Cadet at the helm tried to hold in a giggle. "Cadet
> The Captain of a Kids crew will have all the rights and privledges
> of a Commanding Officer visisting a starship."
CROW: Including free booze!
TOM: Apparantly they have to regulate stupidity as well.
> "Marrissa is Captain of my Kid's crew," Captain Picard said.
> "Now Marrissa is the Space Cadet Helm simulation set up?"
> "Yes, Captain," Marrissa said. "However Cadet Sowers will be
> unable to particapate."
MIKE: She's had a little... accident. I'm afraid she'll never be in a
training exercise again, Daddy.
> "You will take her place," Captain Picard said.
CROW: Just against the wall in front of those chain guns...
>
> The Neutral Zone
> StarDate 47603
> USS Phoenix
MIKE: Something tells me that this Phoenix won't be rising from the
ashes.
>
> "Request for assistance from the USS Chicago," Lieutenant
> Johnson
> said from tactical. "They are under attack by five Romulan Warbirds."
> "Acknowedge the signal, Go to RED ALERT," Captain George Grant
> said. "Lay in a coarse for the Chicago, Maximum Warp."
> "Starfleet Regulation 213 prohibits travel over warp 5," the
> Computer said.
TOM: What kind of weird mama-jama regulation is this?
MIKE: Obviously Starfleet had to reduce the speed limit to Warp 5, or
they'd lose their federal highway money.
CROW: Jeez, I guess the regulations also penalize crew for missing nap
time...
> "Override under section 4 of Regulation 213," Captain Grant
> said. "Athorization Grant Alpha One Zero Three."
> "Does the first Officer concure?"
TOM: [disgusted] Oh, I don't believe this.
MIKE: I suppose you need authorization in triplicate from three admirals
to tie your shoes, too!
> "Yes authorization Chase Beta Two Four Gamma."
TOM: [marveling] All this, just to go into second gear.
CROW: Makes you wonder what you have to do to flush the toilet.
MIKE: Or to get a fresh roll of paper.
> "Captain the Pittsburgh is reponding as well," Johnson said.
> "Nearing Battle coordinates," The helmsman said.
> "Take us out of warp," Grant replied.
TOM: [mocking computer voice] Starfleet Regulation 666 prohibits leaving
warp in a battle zone or in a construction area.
> The Chicago exploded in a brillant white flash,
CROW: Didn't that happen already?
MIKE: Hey, it was the ship so nice, they destroyed it twice.
CROW: That's the "New York."
MIKE: Oh.
> but the
> Pheonix's crew had no time to mourn. They were to busy triying to
TOM: Collect on the insurance claims.
CROW: Hey, the whole crew named Luigi Vercotti as their beneficiary!
> prevent that from happening to them. Meanwhile the Pittsburgh
> arrived, phasers firing. However, The Romulans were ready and the
> Pittsburgh flashed out of exsistance as 25 torpedoes impacted it.
CROW: Another riveting Ratliffian battle scene.
TOM: Starfleet Regulation 3.1416 prohibits being struck by more than ten
torpedoes at once.
MIKE: I guess "overkill" isn't in the Romulan vocabulary.
CROW: 25 torpedoes? That's nothing. The Yamato could take much more pun-
ishment.
> "Captain the Philladephia and the Brittain are on their way,"
> an ensign informed the Captain.
MIKE: So are the Harrisburg, the Erie and the Norristown. The whole
state of Pennsylvania's going to be here!
CROW: Starfleet Regulation 13 1/3 prohibits informing the captain of
anything under any circumstances.
TOM: Hey, the Reagan Rule!
> 'We are going to need them,' Grant thought.
CROW: Starfleet Regulation 42 prohibits thinking that you're going to
need them.
MIKE: Okay, I think you two have beaten that into the ground.
> ^L
TOM: Starfleet Regulation 0.001 prohibits line feeds.
MIKE: Tom...
> Chapter Three
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> The Neutral Zone
> USS Pheonix
>
> The Pheonix continued to pound the Romulans. A few minutes
> earlier the Philladelphia and the Brittain had arrived.
MIKE: What the...? Ratliff used a chapter break to show a few minutes
passing?
TOM: Thomas Pynchon he ain't.
CROW: He isn't even Danielle Steele... er, not that I've ever read any
of her stuff. Heh.
> The Romulans
> consintraited on the weakest of the three, the Britain.
> "Captain the Brittain is lossing life support," Johnson said.
> "Are their shields up?" Grant said.
> "Port side only."
TOM: [as Mitchell] Port? You've got port? I'll have some with a vodka
chaser...
> "Bring us up on the starbroard side and prepare to beam the
> crew off."
> "Captain the Warbirds have taken off," Johnson said as the
> transports began.
CROW: Yeah, take off, hoser.
TOM: We can't complete our Deus ex Machina, sir!
> "@#$%&***@" Grant responded.
MIKE: [singing] And I never use a big, big D!
'BOTS: [singing] What, never?
MIKE: No, never!
'BOTS: What, never?
MIKE: Well, hardly ever!
>
> Captain's Log STARDATE 47605.3
> StarFleet Cadet Training Vessel USS Maine
> Captain Jean-Luc Picard recording
CROW: Mulder, what is this thing you gave me? I ran it over a bar scan-
ner and it went crazy. It's as if someone was using this to cata-
logue... [crash] MULDER!!!
>
> We have just commpleted the Space Cadet Helm Training Exercise.
> The thrid place Cadet was Katherine Szustakowski.
TOM: She got a poke in the eye.
> Westly Crusher was
> second.
CROW: He got a boot to the head.
> And much to my and the rest of the Cadets Marrissa was First
> Place.
MIKE: She got a bullet in the temple.
CROW: Oh, a shot in the face, *thank* you very much.
> The Cadets are asking for a rematch.
TOM: [as cadet] And this time, she doesn't get to count her Care Bears
as crewmembers!
>
> "Incoming message from Starfleet Command, Department of
> Operations," Cadet Ross Lochard said."
> "On Screen," Captain Picard said. Admiral Theresa McGuire
> appeared on the viewscreen. Admiral McGuire believed in close ups so
> only her face was seen.
ALL: EXTREME CLOSEUP! Waaaaaaaaah!
TOM: [falsetto] I'm ready for my closeup, Mr. DeVille.
CROW: You know, I bet she's not wearing any pants.
> "Captain Picard," the Chief of Starfleet Operations began,
> "four
> hours ago five Romulan warbirds crossed the Neutral Zone. They
> destroyed the Chicago and Pittsburgh and disabled the Brittain, before
> disappearing. Since we beleive that they are somewhere in federation
> space, I am ordering you to Vulcan to protect it.
MIKE: Well, sure. Thousands of planets in Federation space, they *must*
be heading to Vulcan.
> You will be in
> command of all the forces their. The Excaliber-G
CROW: G Gundam?
MIKE: I don't think so...
> under Shelby will
> arrive in 20 hours. The Ambassidor class starships Oregan,
TOM: Isn't that dirty?
> Washington,
> and California will arrive with skeliton crews in 42 hours.
ALL: [singing] Dem bones, dem bones, dem dry-y-y-y-y bones...
> Admiral
> McGuire out."
> "If we are going to be in a potental battle zone it would be
> advisable to have a set command chain," Captain Picard said. "So
> Marrissa."
TOM: Oh, no...
CROW: Nononononono....
MIKE: Brace yourselves, guys...
> "Yes Dad," Marrissa replied.
> "As of this Stardate you are first officer of the Maine,"
> Picard
> continued.
TOM: Aaaaaaagh!
CROW: Captain, my suspension of disbelief has taken a critical blow! The
walls around my sense of wonder are buckling!
MIKE: Hold on, man! We'll get you to a Bradshaw seminar as soon as pos-
sible! Hold on!
> "Ensign Crusher to the bridge."
> "Captain before you appoint any more people may I ask some
> questions of Cadet Lochard?" Marrissa requested.
> "Certainly, Number One."
TOM: Okay, wait a minute. Tell me again, who is Number One?
MIKE: [deeply] You are Number Six.
TOM: D'oh!
> "Cadet, who do you think was the person behind the security
> drill two days ago?" Marrissa Picard asked.
CROW: [as Lochard] Behind the drill... uh... the shop teacher?
> "You were," Ross replied. Looks of astonishment appeared
> around
> the room.
TOM: Oh, I don't think so...
MIKE: Even the potted plants knew she did it.
> "How did you decide that," Marrissa asked.
> "It had to be someone Captain Picard knew," Ross said.
> "Because
> Captain Picard would assign someone who he knew about.
CROW: Uh, your circular logic has a granny knot in it.
> That makes the
> suspects, in order of probablity, Dr Crusher, Westly Crusher, Marrissa
> Picard, and Kather Szustakowski. Dr Crusher had an albi.
MIKE: She was on the grassy knoll at the time.
> You IDed the
> liquid as Strawberry juice. You wouldn't know if Katherine liked
> strawberry juice. Westly likes Cherry juice better.
TOM: Ross *has* been around, hasn't he?
MIKE: He also serves as the ship's bartender.
CROW: Dude! Another Jaegermeister? You'd better give me the keys to your
runabout.
> That leaves You."
CROW: [Sherlock Holmes voice] Elementary, my dear Ratliff.
TOM: Elementary-- Ratliff's language skill level.
> "I recommend Ross for security Cheif," Marrissa said.
> "Agreed," Picard said
CROW: Thinking gleefully that they'd be toast the moment he left.
> Westly Crusher entered the bridge. "Reporting as ordered
> sir."
MIKE: You know the fanfic's gotten pretty bad when Wesley Crusher is the
most sympathetic, non-irritating person in it.
> "Ensign Crusher, You are hearby appointed second offficer and
> chief enginer of the Maine," Captain Picard said. "Marrissa update
> him."
TOM: She's going to install the new version of Windows in his head!
>
> Sela's Warbird
> "Report," The nanny said.
> "We are on coarse to Vulcan as planned," Sela said. "We have
> recieved an encrypted message from Admiral McGuire for you."
> "Thank you."
CROW: Oh, for a megalomaniacal nanny it's so polite!
TOM: [nasally] Let's see now, a B is a B and a P is a P...
> ^L
> Chapter Four
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~
CROW: Wait a minute. The encrypted message is another chapter of this
fanfic!
[All boo]
>
> USS Maine, Starfleet Cadet Training ship
> 1600 hours, Beta shift,
> Marrissa Picard, first officer in command
>
> "5 subspace anomalies travel Warp 7 toward Vulcan detected,"
> Cadet Henderson said.
TOM: Big light. Go fast to sky. Great ju-ju.
MIKE: [affecting surprise] At Warp 7? But that's against Starfleet regu-
lations!
> "ETA to Vulcan?" Marrissa asked.
> "5 minutes," was the reply.
> "Helm go to Warp 9.2," First Officer Marrissa Picard said.
TOM: Wasn't there a regulation against that a couple chapters ago?
> "Go to Red Alert. Captain Picard to the Bridge. Katherine
> Szustakowski
> to the Bridge."
CROW: Disgruntled postal employee to the Bridge.
[All make cheesy machine-gun noises]
> "Nearing Vulcan now," Cadet Diral said from the helm.
> "Take us out of Warp, Raise shields and rotate to face the
> incoming warbirds," Marrissa said. "Ready phasers and photon
> torpedoes."
> Captain Jean-Luc Picard arrived on the bridge. "Status,
> Number
> One," he asked.
CROW: Well, Ambassador G'Kar has vanished, after two years we still
don't know what Ambassador Kosh looks like in that encounter suit,
and Ambassador Delenn is in a cocoon.
MIKE: A cocoon?
CROW: Yes, sir, about yay high.
TOM: The "Babylon 5" sketch, ladies and gentlemen, the "Babylon 5"
sketch.
> "Five Subspace anomolies traveling Warp 7 on a direct coarse
> for
> Vulcan have been spotted," Marrissa said. "ETA two minutes, sheilds
> have been raised and all weapons are prepared."
TOM: Oh, and *thank* you for telling us all what we *just saw*!
> Five Romulan Warbirds decloaked in front of the Maine. "Open
> hailing frequencies," Captain Picard said.
CROW: Ding! AT&T!
> Admiral Saavik appeared on screen. "Greetings Captain," she
> said. Looking puzzled she continued, "Captain Picard I thought you
> where on the Enterprise." A baby cried and Admiral Saavik picked it
> up.
MIKE: I guess Take-Your-Daughter-To-Work-Day fell at a really awkward
time this year.
> "I thought you were at Starfleet Command," Picard said. "What
> are you doing on a Romulan Warbird in its Nursery."
CROW: [as Saavik] Moonlighting. Starfleet admirals get paid $5.50 an
hour.
TOM: [as Picard] And what's a nursery doing in a warship, anyway?
> "First This vessel and 2 others in this fleet are no longer
> property of the Romulan Goverment,"
MIKE: We filed off the serial numbers and everything.
> Saavik responded. "Second, my
> reason for my present location is to deliver some Romulans
TOM: Er, for that you should be in the obstetrics ward. The nursery
comes a little later.
> seeking
> freedom from political opression. Unfortately We We
MIKE: Please, I don't want to know what the baby's doing.
> unable to rid
> ourselves of two escorts.
TOM: Cut to the chase, Admiral.
CROW: Well, I didn't get laid...
> I request that you shot the three center
> warbirds in the coordinates I sending, so we may appear disabled, and
> then pursue till distruction the flanking Warbirds."
MIKE: Huh? What the heck is that supposed to mean?
TOM: [sighing] Los luces son aprendidas pero nadie esta en la casa...
> "Have the coordinates been recieved?" Picard asked. A Cadet
> answered yes and Picard continued," I will inform Star Fleet Command
> of the situation meanwhile I will proceed with your request. Picard
> out. Send a Copy to this transmission to Starfleet Command. Marrissa
> if you please."
CROW: Shoot you? No problem! You want it to look like an accident? Can't
collect on the insurance if it doesn't look like an accident.
> "Helm coarse 0 mark 25 full impulse engage on my mark,"
> Marrissa
> said. "Tactical fire phasers on the coordinates We recieved from
> Saavik. Helm engage."
MIKE: Capital "We"? Who's piloting this ship now, the Queen of England?
> The Maine shot toward the Romulan wedge of warbirds, firing
> phasers. Disabling the middle three in quick succession with short
> blasts to certain spots on the wardbirds.
CROW: Oooh, shot to the area!
[All wince]
> The Warbirds dimmed but the
> outside warbirds turned and began tailing the Maine.
> "Prority One, message for Captain's Eyes only coming in."
> Cadet
> Henderson announced.
TOM: [singing] For your eyes only...
> "Can it be delayed," the Captain asked.
> "No sir"
> "I'll take it in the Ready Room," Picard said.
All: WHAT?!?
TOM: He's going to stop and chat in the middle of a battle??
> "Number One you
> have the bridge, try to keep it cleaner that your room."
CROW: Oooh, that stung.
MIKE: And the funny thing is, he wasn't even thinking of Marrissa. He
just said it out of habit.
TOM: [as Picard] That means no more Mapplethorpe pictures, young lady!
> "Aye sir," Marrissa said settling in to the big chair.
> "Marrissa
> to Westly Crusher."
> "Crusher here."
> "Wes can you give me a 10 percent power drop for 30 seconds
> on
> my mark?" Marrissa asked.
CROW: Aaaaaas...youuuuuu...wiiiiiiish!
> "I can do it on 5 seconds notice," Westly Crusher said from
> Engineering.
MIKE: I can name that tune in 4 notes.
> "Be ready," Marrissa said turning to Cadet Szustakowski she
> said
> "Kathy take the helm and begin that edvasive pattern that all most
> fooled me.
CROW: Okay. Let's see now, Elementary Tactics, Chapter 1, Example 1...
> Diral take science One and see if you can get me 12
> tropedoes programmed to go though the Romulan sheilds."
TOM: Wait a sec. Programmed to go through Romulan shields? If they could
punch through Romulan shields so easily why haven't they done it
before?
MIKE: Hush, dear, think too hard and your brain will explode.
> When Katherine had seated he self Marrissa ordered, "Kathy
> change coarse 108 mark 270 engage. Wes power drop NOW."
> As Marrissa got the word 'NOW' Out of her mouth a Romulan
> disrupter made a glancing blow on the Maine's sheilds.
TOM: It's just a flesh wound!
> But it took 5
> seconds for the Romulans to Resume tailing.
> "Your power drop ends in 3 .. 2 .. 1," Westly Crusher said
> from
CROW: The deepest, darkest pits of Clive Barker's Hell...
MIKE: Oh, you wish.
> Engineering.
> The Maine sped up and the Romulans did as well (after a 4
> second
> delay. "Diral are those tropedoes ready?" Marrissa asked.
TOM: Ding! Torpedoes are ready!
> "Finished .. Now," Diral replied.
> "Set locks ahead and up 5 degrees," Marrissa said. "Viping on
> my mark Kathy."
CROW: "Viping"?! I can't even figure out what Ratliff was *trying* to
spell!
> The Warbirds closed and began battering the aft
> shields. "NOW."
MIKE: And Kathy viped the vindshield.
> The Maine went to full stop and the Romulans shot over it
> coming to full stop as well, right in the Maines firing locks.
CROW: [deeply] Samsonite locks. Tough enough to withstand a collision
with a Romulan Warbird!
> "Fire
> all weapons Mr. Henderson." Marrissa ordered, "Kathy close in on
> them."
> The Warbirds began to run as tropedoes hit them though their
> shields. They ran out of the Vulcan system, It was now time for them
> to be chased.
TOM: Now it is time for this fanfic to be mocked.
MIKE: Now it is time for a witty quip.
CROW: Now it is time for me to stick my head in the fusion reactor.
> But the Romulans chould have still turned back the tide
> of the battle if they tried. But as they neared the eadge of the
> system
> that became a vain hope for blocking their path was ...
MIKE: An asteroid?
TOM: A black hole?
CROW: A stop sign?
>
MIKE: The Battlestar Galactica?
TOM: An army of DMV agents eager to revoke Ratliff's dramatic license?
CROW: [falsetto] The Holy Grail!
> The Excalibur
ALL: Oh.
CROW: And, so what?
MIKE: Y'know, somehow I don't find this significant enough to rate such
a huge tab stop.
>
> END SECTION 1 of Cadet Cruise
ALL: Yaaaaay!
> SECTION 2 FOLLOWS
CROW: Booooooo!
TOM: [sobbing] Nooo!!
MIKE: I think we can slip out during the intermission. Let's go.
[They leave the theater.]
...6...5...4...3...2...1...*...
[continued in part 2]