MISTIED: Adventures of Bogoman

[The Great Popalino]

This is second in what I hope to be a longterm collaboration with Shay
Caron... and this time he's even worked on the actual MISTIE... even if
his contributions weren't as numerous as his Host Segmants...

(turn down your lights... turn up the volume)

"In the not-too-distant future
somewhere in time and space
Mike Nelson and his robot pals
are caught in an endless chase
pursued by a woman
whose name is Pearl
an evil gal who wants to rule the world
she threw a few things in her purse
and in her rocket ship she hunts him all across the universe
"I’m sending him cheesy spamming
the dumbest
I can find
he’ll have to sit and read them all
and his monitor is mine"
now keep in mind Mike can’t control
when the spamming begins or ends
because the evil corporations
want to sell stuff to his robot friends
robot roll-call!
Cambot!
Gypsy!
Tom Servo!
Croooow!
if you’re wondering how he’s in cyberspace
and stuck on USENET
just repeat to yourself
"it’s just a 'zine
I should really just relax"
for mystery USENET theater
3000!"

[ 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... ]

[ Intermission- Satellite of Love. Mike & the bots are drinking from
Snapple
bottles. ]

Mike: Oh, hey, everyone, welcome to the Satellite of Love. I'm Mike
Nelson,
and these are my robot friends, Tom and Crow.
Servo: Hiya.
Crow: Howdy.
Mike: Pearl sent us some Snapple, and we're having a quick snack break
before
today's experiment.
[ Crow puts his Snapple cap on the counter, glances suspiciously at
Mike, and
clicks the cap repeatedly. ]
Crow: <click-click-click>
[ subtitle: ] (HEY, TOM! CHECK THIS OUT!)
Servo: <click-click-click>
(COOL! WE'VE GOT OUR OWN SECRET CODE! NOW WE CAN KEEP SECRETS FROM
MIKE AND GYPSY!)
Crow: <click-click-click>
(YEAH, WE CAN MAKE FUN OF THAT CLUELESS HUMAN RIGHT UNDER HIS
NOSE!)
Mike: [ smiles ] <click-click-click>
(BETTER THINK AGAIN, BOTS.)
Crow, Servo: Eeep! [ They rush off-screen. ]
[ The Commercial Sign flashes. ]
Mike: [ smirking ] <click-click-click>
(WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.)

[ MST3K planet bumper. Clicking is audible in the background.
Commercials
ensue. ]

[ INT SOL. The Mads Sign flashes. ]

Mike: It's that time again!
Crow: To make fun of Michael Jackson?
Servo: To shoot spitballs at each other?
Crow: To blow bubbles in our milk?
Servo: To make a gookie?
Mike: No. It's time for our visit with Dr. Scratchansniff. [ Mike hits
the
Mads Sign Signal-Thingy(tm). ] Hellooooo, Pearl!

[ Pearl's VW ]

Pearl: Sorry, Nelstone, no amusing antics today. We're headed straight
for the
feature presentation. It's called "Bogoman's Adventures in
Abnormal
Land", and I have no doubt that it'll push you over the edge into
insanity.
Bobo: I picked it myself.
Observer: You most certainly did not! I did!
Bobo: Did not!
Observer: Did too!
Pearl: Well, I'll let you get to your suffering. Brain Guy, send the
story.
Bobo: Did not!
Observer: Did too!
Pearl: Observer?
Bobo: Did not!
Observer: Did too!
Pearl: HEY!!
Bobo, Observer: Sorry.

[ SOL. The Movie Sign alarms go off. ]

Mike: Oh, we got Bogo-Sign!

[ 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1... ]

>
>Bogoman's Adventures in Abnormal Land

Servo: Obviously, they haven't invented Metamucil in this world.

>
>
>
> Bogoman's Adventures in Abnormal Land,

Mike: I'm getting a strange sense of deja vu...

> by Joel

Crow & Servo: It can't be!?!? OUR Joel, writing cheesy fanfiction?

> Something

Mike: Or other.

>
> --------
> All the people in this story

Servo: Should be tortured mercilessly.

> shouldn't be copyrighted to anyone because I

Crow: Am a cheesy no-talent hack

> just made them up. There's a storm outside and I'm bored. Prepare for

Servo: MORTAL KOMBAT!

> Bogoman!

Mike: Bogoman. Okay.

> --------

Crow: The straight line... How I long to see this more often.

>
> Bogoman looked up from his newspaper to see his coffee mug

Servo: (Bogoman's private agent voice) Just checking.

> disappear,
> leaving a large coffee stain on the table.

Crow: Coasters. Learn to use 'em.

> Ever since Bogoman was
> assigned to Abnormal Land, his belongings have been slowly disappearing.

Mike: I wouldn't call that slow, it only took half a second for the
coffee mug to vanish...

> Knowing it would blow his cover as "Mr. Jolevinofilepefala,"

Mike: Gesundheit.

> Bogoman
> could not investigate outside his home.

Servo: Then how does he get the newspaper!? He had no trouble getting
that!
Crow: Maybe it's in-house delivery?

> Bogoman put down his newspaper,
> only to have it disappear too.

Mike: If you don't get it... You don't get it.

> He looked down at the table, which
> promptly disappeared.

Mike: I wouldn't call this SLOWLY disappearing.
Crow: I know, I'd call this "dissappearing at an almost ridiculous
rate!"
Servo: But that doesn't read too well, see.

> An evil laugh floated into his house. It was

Mike: The Pilsbury Doughboy gone HORRIBLY WRONG!

> Evil
> Hauboer, the source of

Crow: Energy throughout the Abnormal Land... Light a match, and watch
him go!

> the problems in Abnormal Land. Bogoman could now

Servo: Leap a tall plot hole in a single bound?

> remove his Mr. Jolevinofilepefala

Mike: Gesundheit.

> disguise now that the evil villain
> could be identifed.

Servo: Why can't he identify the guy with the disguise ON!?

> Bogoman tapped his bright yellow wrist control and
> became BOGOMAN.

Crow: Ah, so he turns from Bogoman into Bogoman...
Servo: Awesome.

>
> [Later.]

Mike: MUCH later.

>
> "I found the source of the evil happenings," Bogoman said into his
> wrist control. "It is

Crow: (bogoman) the bad guy.

> Evil Hauboer who is making things disappear!

Mike: Wait, didn't he figure this out a long time ago?
Servo: I guess he just got tied up in some red tape...

> I can
> now investigate openly and capture Hauboer once and for all."

Mike: So is this a long running issue?

> "Good work, Bogoman," replied Commander Fidel over the wrist control.

Servo: He got that wrist control half off, cause Dick Tracy's his second
cousin...

> "Now make sure you destroy Evil Hauboer's device too. He is no doubt
> using one to make the disappearances. Fidel out."

Crow: I'll be damned, he's taking orders from Fidel Castro.
Servo: Bogoman, the surreal communist!
[Crow and Servo sing some cliched super-hero song]

> The wrist control
> screen went blank.

Servo: Of course, it does blank out from time to time, but hey, you get
what you pay for.

> Bogoman, wearing his bright red and orange suit,

Crow: A garbage man from the FUTURE!

> watched a picture on the wall disappear.

Servo: Hell, who needs tv?

> He walked out the front door and

Mike: Promptly dissapeared.

> flew off into the sky.

Crow: Wheee!

> I wonder where Evil Hauboer would hide in this small town,

Mike: Don't ask me, YOU'RE the narrator!

> he thought.
> Ah ha! The glue factory that never makes glue.

Servo: See, they're running low on horses, so--
Mike: Stop. Just stop now.
Crow: Hey, I'll bet this is right next to the car factory that doesn't
make cars.
Servo: It's Flint, Michigan!
Mike: Thanks for changing the subject there, Crow...

> Bogoman could hear
> Hauboer's evil laughing being emitted from the glue factory.

Crow: (Bogoman) Hands off! That's MY glue that isn't being made!

> Bogoman made
> a dive into the factory's wall and drifted to the floor.

Mike: You know, why doesn't he just jump up, fall through the wall, say
hello to a poodle, and thus kill the villian?
Servo: It takes a logical mind to think something like that up, see.

> Evil Hauboer was
> laughing evilly

Crow: After all, he's evil...

> as he pushed the controls of a giant machine.
> "Evil Hauboer!" yelled Bogoman, who's voice echoed in the large
> factory. "You will never do anymore of your evil deeds. I have found you
> and will capture you!"

Crow: For I am Turkey Volume Guessing Man!

> Bogoman jogged over to Evil Hauboer,

Mike: Jogged?
Servo: Well, running would be a cliche, and bicycling is out of the
question...

> who still
> hadn't noticed him.

Crow: Must be Beethovan.
Servo: Or Bill Clinton.
Mike: Or Pete Townshead.

> Bogoman tapped him on the shoulder.

Crow: (Bogoman) Scuse me sir, couldn't help but notice that you look an
awfully lot like the Evil Hauboer...

> Evil Hauboer
> turned around and saw the superhero.

Mike: Hello.

> "I'd knew you'd come and visit me, Bogoman," sneered the evil man in
> his white lab coat. "I've been preparing for you."

Crow: (Hauboer) I'm wearing nothing underneath this coat... and I put
the chocolate syrup in the oven...
Mike: That's enough.

> Evil Hauboer looked

Servo: Awfully stupid.

> back at his console and hit a red button.

All: No! Not the red button!

> The large machine became louder

Mike: So, he hit the volume control?

> and louder and finally a lightning bolt hit Hauboer.

Servo: (Hauboer) DOH!

> The machine powered
> down swiftly and fell apart.

Crow: That's what happens when you let General Motors design your heavy
machinery.

> "You can't stop me now, Bogoman," laughed
> the evil villain.

Mike: Aww, he's a good-natured sport!

> "Hauboer, you are crazy," puzzled Bogoman.

Crow: I somehow fail to see where the puzzle is...
Servo: Maybe he's in an adventure game, and in order to kill Hauboer
he'll have to solve one of those damned sliding tile puzzles...

> "I can capture you easily."
> Bogoman reached out to grab Evil Hauboer's arm,

Crow: (Bogoman) Shall we dance?

> but the evil scientist

Mike: You know, this guy should invest in some synonyms for the word
evil.

> disappeared and reappeared two feet away.

Servo: [laughs incredously] So, in a place where inanimate objects can
teleport automatically, he needs a MACHINE to travel two feet away?
Crow: Is he supposed to be hard to catch?

> "The machine transferred its power to me!" laughed Evil Hauboer as his
> eyes glowed red. "I will destroy this small town and then take over the
> world! No one can stop me, not even a superhero!" Evil Hauboer threw his
> arms up into the air and a wall of the factory fell down.

Crow: (Bogoman) Ouch...

> The evil

Mike: There's that word again! ARGH!

> villain sneered at Bogoman, who was planning his course of action.

Servo: (Bogoman) I guess I'll first run away, THEN I'll scream like a
schoolgirl and faint!

> Bogoman's mind went through the various fighting sequences he'd been
> trained with and watched Hauboer float out of the factory.
> "Prepare to become Bogomeat!"

Mike: Crow, don't even THINK about it.

> Bogoman yelled after Hauboer. "I will
> get you!" Bogoman jumped up 20 feet in the air

Servo: WHEEE!

> and shot across the
> factory and out the wall-less side. He looked around the sky for the evil

Mike: STOP it with that word!

> villain and spotted a house. The superhero followed the house with his
> eyes as it crashed to the ground.

Crow: We're not in Kansas anymore.

> With his sonic hearing, Bogoman could
> hear the faint sounds of people screaming.

Mike: Usually a scream isn't a faint noise...

> He looked over the town and
> saw houses being thrown up into the air. "He's hurting the townspeople,"
> he said to himself.

Crow: (Bogoman) That's MY job!

> "This is even worse than I thought." Bogoman flew
> over to where Evil Hauboer was going his evil house-throwing.

[All laugh hysterically]

Crow: Couldn't he come up with a more imaginative verb?

> "Haha, Bogoman! Do you like to see houses fly with people inside?"

Mike: (Bogoman) Houseflies? [In voice of villian from TimeChasers] SURE!

> yelled Hauboer. "This is great. I'm having the time of my life!" He threw
> another house and watched it crash to the ground.

Crow: Aww, he's a child at heart.

> "Pick on people with your on strength, Evil Hauboer," yelled Bogoman,

Mike: Those damn housethrowers are ruining society. Go Bogoman!

> down to the scientist. "I challenge you to a fight." Hauboer looked up at
> his enemy and set down the house he was holding. A sigh of relief came
> from the family inside. Evil Hauboer grumbled and kicked the house into
> orbit.
> "I accept your challenge, little man." chuckled Hauboer. He drifted up
> to Bogoman's height. The town fell silent.

Servo: (Townsperson) SHH! We're watching these two bozos hopefully
exterminate each other!
Crow: (Townsperson) YIPPY!

> "Come and get me." The
> scientist flew off at the speed of sound, looped back around and back to
> where Bogoman was floating. "One rule: you cannot leave the town."

Servo: (Hauboer) Oh, and also, no violence... No superpowers... And stop
calling me evil!

> Bogoman nodded and flew straight towards Hauboer.
> "I have you now!" the superhero yelled as he grabbed Evil Hauboer.

Mike: No, Hauboer, bad touch.

> Pain went throughout Bogoman's body. He felt his strength being drained
> and let go of the villain. "What have you done to me?" Evil Hauboer's
> body buldged with muscles.
> "Everytime you touch me, I drain your powers," yelled Hauboer. "Soon,
> you will be helpless. I will then be free to rule the world without an
> enemy that can stop me." Evil Hauboer laughed loudly. Bogoman gave it one
> more shot and flew at the villain.

Crow: Wow, looks like there's no beating this guy!
Servo: Barring a few helpful words from the author, that is...

> The drain was more painful than
> before. The superhero fell to the street and saw Evil Hauboer's boots
> land near him. "You are so stupid, Bogoman.

Mike: (Hauboer, little kid voice) Everyone KNOWS that there is no tooth
fairy!

> I can't beleive you want to
> waste your powers." The scientist's muscles grew more with Bogoman's
> powers.

Mike: Crow, I'd appricate it if you keep your mouth shut throughout
this...
Crow: Okay-doky, I'll give it the good ol' college try!

> "Prepare for BOGOMAN!" shouted Bogoman. With all his strength put into
> his hands, he threw himself weakly at the scientist. His powerful hands
> grasped Hauboer's ankles. Static filled the air as Evil Hauboer drained

Servo: --the last of the PowerAde, thus eradicating all hope from
Bogoman's efforts.

> Bogoman's powers. The villain's eyes pulsated red and his muscles grew
> quickly. Bogoman kept his grip strong. Before the scientist knew it, he
> could collect no more power and Bogoman still had strength left.

Crow: So what? He's got the power of two Bogomans, why not unload all he
has on this pasty-faced superdork and END this story!?

> "No! You idiot!" screamed Evil Hauboer as he exploded. The enormous
> amount of power that was inside Hauboer was absorbed by the weak Bogoman.
>
> [Later.]
>
> Bogoman's disguise house was being packed up by SuperHero Companies.

Servo: SuperHero Companies, a division of Conglomo Inc.
Crow: Conglomo: We Own You™.

> Bogoman spoke into his wrist control, "I have taken care of Evil
> Hauboer." The commander nodded on the small screen.
> "I expect your report by tomorrow," he said seriously. "Good work."

Mike: (Bogoman) Hey, do I detect SARCASM!?

>
> [The End.]
>
> ------
> I hope you agree that was lame.

Mike: Boy, do we EVER.
Crow: Yep.
Servo: Uh-huh.

> ------
>

[ 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... ]

[ INT SOL. Crow is dressed up as a superhero, in bright mauve and
indigo. Tom
is wearing a light blue lab coat and a black bow tie with colorful
spots on
it. Gypsy is wearing one-lens glasses and examining a sheaf of papers,
and
Mike sits near Cambot, observing. Toy houses are set up on the left
side of
the counter. ]

Crow: Now, Mike, in honor of today's experiment, "Bogoman's Adventures
in
Abnormal Land", Tom Servo and I are proud to present this skit
called:
Servo: "Crowgoman's Misadventures in Irregular World"!!
Crow, Servo: [ dramatic music ]
Mike: Mm-hmm. Get on with it, please.
Servo: OK, OK. Gypsy will narrate.
Gypsy: Ahem. Crowgoman looked up from his comic books--
Crow: Graphic novels.
Gypsy: All right, graphic novels to find that his leg had disappeared.
Crow: [ falls over ]
Gypsy: He of course could not leave the room, because it would ruin his
disguise as "Mr. Nahasapeemapetilon".
Crow: [ still on the floor ] Apparently, I'm disguised as a hermit.
Gypsy: Suddenly, an evil fart floated into the house--
Crow: [ getting up ] Ewww!
Gypsy: --and Crowgoman knew that the evil was none other than Evil
Sauerkraut.
[ peers at the papers ] I think. Did I read that right?
Crow: Yes.
Gypsy: So Crowgoman tapped his yellow head control [ Crow hits himself
in the
head ] and became Crowgoman!
Crow: And now, I must save the day! [ falls over ]
[ Tom hovers across the screen with a sign marked "Later" on his globe ]
Gypsy: Later, Crowgoman flew off to the old--
Servo: [ hovers over and whispers to Gypsy ] Uh, Gyps, we took the
flight out.
Special effects were too costly.
Gypsy: Oh. Well, then, Crowgoman biked off to the old
French-custard-filled
chocolate-covered eclair factory that never makes
French-custard-filled
chocolate-covered eclairs and found the evildoer Evil Sauerkraut!
[ Tom hovers in, ignoring Crow. He goes over to stand next to the large
machine--did I mention the big cardboard machine on the right side of
the
room? No? Sigh. Well, it's there. ]
Crow: Evil Sauerkraut! You will pay for your villainy! [ Tom ignores
him. ]
Er, Evil Sauerkraut? [ Nothing. ] HEY! [ Crow hits Tom upside the
globe. ]
Servo: Ow! Oh, it's you, Crowgoman! I was expecting you! At least I
think I
was... let me check my appointment book... never mind. I have
transferred the power of my machine, the Rando 5000, to myself! [
He
pushes the machine over ] And now I will destroy you! Hahaha.
Crow: Nuh-uh.
Servo: Uh-huh!
Crow: Nuh-uh!
Servo: Uh-huh! I'm gonna go smash some houses with people in them while
you
figure out what karate to use to defeat me. [ hovers to the left,
above
the toy houses ]
Crow: Oh no! I must stop him!
Servo: [ knocking houses off the counter ] Wanna fight me? Go ahead and
try!
Crow: OK.
[ pause ]
Gypsy: Oh, it's my turn now. So Crowgoman leaped at Evil Sauerkraut to
defeat
him, but...
Crow: [ grabs Tom's arm ] Ow. I'm losing energy.
Servo: [ He ducks down and comes back up bulky, ala Space Mutiny ]
That's
right
Crowgoman I am stealing your strength ha ha ha you can never win.
Crow: Oh yeah? Well, absorb this! [ He headbutts Tom. ]
Servo: Aaaah! [ Tom's head explodes and he falls down. ]
Gypsy: And that was the end of the evil Evil Sauerkraut. Crowgoman
turned back
into Crowgoman and, disguised as "Mr. Nahasapeemapetilon" once
again,
enjoyed his well-deserved rest.
Crow: [ falls over ]
Mike: Very good, you guys.
Crow, Servo: Thank you.
Mike: It captures the essence of today's Bogoman story.
Crow, Servo: Thank you.

[ Fade to black. ]

Crow: And... the scene just sort of gets a flat tire.
Mike, Servo: <th-b-b-b-p>

[ End theme music. ]

Copyright (c) 1998 Popalino / Caron

Best Brains deserves soo much credit... joel, mike, bill, kevin, mary,
and all the bit players / departs... i love you all so much. Keep the
misties coming! or i'll cancel my cable!

--
"...i've loved, lusted, won and lost, sung and wept..." - THE GREAT GOD
BROWN (o'neill)

"laugh! laugh!
there is no death!
there is only life!
there is only laughter!" - LAZARUS LAUGHED (o'neill)