MiSTing: TimeLapse 7/8
Chris Mayfield
>
>Path: moe.ksu.ksu.edu!zaphod.mps.ohio-state.edu!wupost!udel!
>darwin.sura.net!haven.umd.edu!umbc3.umbc.edu!gmuvax2!dpietz
>From: dpi...@gmuvax2.gmu.edu (Demetrius Pietz)
>Newsgroups: rec.arts.startrek
Tom: I understand recreation, and I understand Star Trek, but how
does art figure in?
>Subject: REPOST "Time Lapse" 4/5 new stuff
>Keywords: story
>Message-ID: <1991Sep16.2...@gmuvax2.gmu.edu>
>Date: 16 Sep 91 21:21:18 GMT
>Distribution: usa
>Organization: George Mason University, Fairfax Va.
>Lines: 279
>
>
> The Enterprise sat quietly in the hanger.
Tom: Must he start every chapter with the Enterprise sitting
somewhere?
Mike: Maybe it's a deeply symbolic structural thing.
Crow: Or maybe he just keeps repeating himself. Volley.
> On the battle
>bridge the bridge crew was getting things orginized for the raid
Tom: [slyly] A panty raid.
>on the Poltar station. Picard sat at his command chair quietly
>listening to
Mike: KMST, the light FM.
Tom: More Reba!
> the details of what had transpired after the
>explosion of the saucer section.
Crow: [Picard] And then I did what?
Tom: [Crusher] Asked everyone to touch your "captain's log."
Crow: [Picard] I am so ashamed.
> "I have a hard time beliveing that I did that."
> "Well sir, you were out of
Mike: Order.
Tom: Money.
Crow: Clean underpants.
> sorts. But it's good to have you
>back."
> "It's good to be back."
Mike: One of these days Demetrius is going to surprise us and come
up with an original phrase of his own.
> The conversation was interupted by a transmision.
> "All ship captains
Crow: On the ice. It's all captains skate now.
> please report to the briefing room." the
>signal said.
Tom: Unfortunately, no one heard it because the signal was a high
amplitude radio wave.
> "Well I guess that's me. If you all will excuse me."
Mike: [Picard] I need to see a man about a Denebian Slime Devil,
if you know what I mean.
> Picard got up and left. He walked quickly and calmly to the
>briefing room.
Crow: Once he got there, though, he collapsed into a sobbing pile
of jelly.
> Ariving he adjusted his uniform and walked in.
> "Gentelmen, time has come to strike back at the Poltar.
Tom: The Federation Strikes Back!
> We
>have obtained the needed information from our ageints in the
>field.
Mike: They surveyed the lot. We should be able to begin
construction next month.
> Now the station is located in sector 14. It has a
>complement of thre ships.
Tom: The Niña, the Pinta, and the Santa Maria Alonza Conchita.
> Two frigets and one light battle
>cruiser.
Tom: It has half the calories of a regular battle cruiser.
> As well it has a battery of four
Crow: AAs.
> phasers. I want to send
>two ships against it.
Mike: The Kamikaze and the Hari Kari.
> The rest of us will procede at low warp to
>the Poltar headquarters. If all goes well
Mike: All will end well.
> the station will be
>taken out prior
Tom: Richard Prior.
> to our arival at the Poltar base. The ships
>assigned to the station are the Enterprise and the Kalthow.
Tom: Hot walk?
Crow: Law koth?
Mike: I don't think this is any fancy anagram, guys.
> After
>the station is destroied they are to meet us
Crow: At the McDonalds on Ohio Street.
> at the base to help
>in the attack. If they are unable to destroy the station then
Mike: We are seriously screwed.
>there won't be anyone to meet at the base."
Tom: Because they'll be dead.
> "If there are no questions
Crow: [Epstein] Ooh! Ooh! Mistah Kottah!
> than be set to launch in three
>hours."
>
> The Federation ship Enterprise
Mike: The good ship Lollipop.
> and Romulan Kalthow sailed
>into the blackness of space.
Tom: [mysteriously] And were never seen again...
> "Mister Worf, keep a close look on the sensors."
> "Aye sir."
> "Now entering
Crow: Missouri, the Show-Me State.
> sector 14 sir."
> "Thank you mister Data. Mister Worf..?"
> "There is nothing here sir! It must be a trick!"
Mike: Mr. Copperfield's illusions are accomplished without the aid
of camera tricks.
> "Raise the Kalthow."
> "Aye sir."
> "Kalthow, this is the Enterprise,
Tom: And you're not.
> it would seem that our
>quarry is not here."
Mike: It looks like we'll have to get our marble somewhere else.
> "So it would seem...."
> "Sir, a large object is uncloaking!"
Mike: I hope it's not Roseanne. Ulgh.
> "Shields up! On screen mister Data."
Crow: Why would they want Data on--oh, I get it.
> The main viewer blinked. Then showed a aft view of the
>Enterprise.
Tom: [dumb voice] Enterprise has a big butt. Dis!
> Even farther a large shape was fadeing in. As it took
>a more solid form four green lances of light spread out from the
>station.
Mike: Look out! Hal Jordan's gone rogue!
> The phasers impacted with the Enterprise. The ship
>rocked violently as warning lights lit up all over.
Tom: Tilt! Tilt!
> "Kalthow it would appear our target is present."
Crow: Double dur-hey.
> Another volly hit the Romulan ship breaking communication.
Tom: And wouldn't you know, the warranty just expired.
> "Mister Worf, return fire full spread. Direct all unneeded
>energy
Mike: In a production of "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf."
> into the shields. Shields and weapons systems have top
>priority. LaForge bring us around, get the station
Tom: TBS? WGN? CNBC?
> in a 90 degree
>cross fire."
> The Enterprise slid around the station.
Crow: I will kill you, Ted Turner!
> The Romulan ship
>began to fire repeated barrages of plasma torpedos and phasers
>that errupted into a violent dance apon the stations shields.
All: [hum "Sabre Dance"]
>Long arcs of ruby light hit the stations shield straining them
>even further. And volly after volly
Crow: After volley after volley after volley after volley...
> of photons peppered the area
>like fireflies.
Crow: You got your simile in my metaphor!
Tom: You got your metaphor in my simile!
Mike: It's two lame images that go worse together!
> "Mister Worf, any sign of the stations complement ships?"
> "Not yet, sir."
> "Sir, the station shields are starting to fail."
Crow: Kiss those Goodwill Games aloha, suckers!
> "Good, increse phaser intensity and prepare an anti-matter
>spread."
Tom: I can't believe it's not anti-butter.
> The station tried desperatly to fend off the two ships.
Mike: It jammed the airwaves with episodes of "Captain Planet."
> The
>Poltar phasers fired maddly back and forth between the two ships.
Crow: The Poltar ships are shooting each other?
>The shield glowed and strained under the force of the weapons.
>Then like an egg in a vice it gave way.
Tom: Ewww! I see a beak!
> The phasers were now able
>to hit the station. The two vollies crashed thorugh the colapesed
>shield and hit the station hard.
Crow: So we're supposed to believe the phaser went through the
shield, turned 45 degrees, entered the station here, moved upward
from the point of entry, and exited here?
> The uppermost levels were
>destroid instantly.
Mike: And this is for colorization!
> Molten steel and air bled out into the void
>of space.
Tom: It's going to take more than a band-aid to fix that.
Mike: Maybe mommy can kiss it and make it all better.
> A plasma shot hit and invelopped most of the station.
>The outer
Crow: Limits.
> layers were burnned away. Crewmen from the station were
>blown, silently screaming, into space.
Mike: It blowed up good.
Tom: It blowed up real good.
> "Sir, now reading two ships approching from starboard."
> "Bring us around. Prepare to fire."
> The Enterprise swung around to meet the new threat.
Mike: Up With People.
> As they
>came to bare on the ships
Crow: They're mooning them! Whoo!
> the Enterprise was hit full force by
>both vessels. Explosions rocked the ship.
Tom: Gently to sleep.
> Sub-systems burnt out
>and the bridge filled with the unmistakable smell of electrical
>fires.
Crow: Oh, that's me. I had a burrito earlier.
> "Mister Worf, fire. Full anti-matter spread as well. LaForge
>bring us around
Tom: I just can't get enough of that phrase.
Crow: But you're forgetting "volley."
> to 134 mark 8, increase to warp 4. Mister Data
>rerout dammage systems."
> The Enterprise slid out to gain a better vantage point.
Mike: I think we could see better if we were on the opposite side
of the galaxy.
> The
>Kalthow, after finishing off the station proper,
Tom: Went after the affiliates.
> also turned to
>face the new
Crow: Christie Minstrels.
> ships. Phasers from the Romulan ship lept into
>space.
Mike: They would probably be more effective if they were aimed at
something.
> They slid and crackled down the sides of the Poltar
>shields. The Enterprise released a mass
All: Ewww!
> of anti-matter that
>filled the sky
Crow: [strained] There is no sky and no night in outer space.
> like fireworks. The bits of anti-matter hit the
>first Poltar ship square. The Enterprise followed up with a
Mike: One-two punch to the face.
> burst
>of phaser fire. The phaser shattered and past through the badly
>dammaged shield and severed a nascell
Tom: Lorena Bobbit in the 25th century!
> from the ship. The Poltar
>ship sputtered sparks then spun out of control into the chared
>remains of the station.
Mike: Tell CNN to watch its back.
> The resulting explosion threw all three
>remaining ships back.
Crow: Which is pretty amazing when you consider that space has no
air with which to transmit shockwaves.
Mike: Cynic. You probably don't believe in FTL travel either, do
you?
> The second Poltar ship had turned its attention to the
>Romulan. A mistake on its part.
Crow: What?
Tom: That's what we need! A mistake on its part!
> The Romulans, in the thrill of
>the fight, launched a consert
Mike: Everybody play Haydn on my mark!
> of plasma torpedos and phasers. The
>combination hit and tore the Poltar ship apart.
Tom: Was it a good idea to construct spaceships out of wet tissue?
>
> "Damage report mister Data."
> "Minor damage to
Crow: Plot. Storyline holding.
> secondary hull and navigation sub-systems."
> "Sick bay reports no casulties."
Tom: Sensors report no Sickbay.
> "Status of the Kalthow?"
> "Sensors report field fluctuations on her shield as well as
>damage to her weapons systems."
> "Sir, third Poltar ship
All: [singing] I saw three Poltar ships on Christmas day...
> appearing behind the Kalthow!"
> "Is the Kalthow taking any action?"
Mike: Are they hiring women and minorities?
> "Negitive sir. I don't believe they seem them!"
Tom: Is anyone who they're supposed to be in this fanfic?
> "Mister Data warn the Kalthow!"
> "I am unable to raise them sir."
> "Poltar ship weapons are powering up...they have lock on the
>Kalthow!"
Crow: It's a Schlege Lock--the Doberman of locks!
> "Lock all weapons on the Poltar ship! Prepare to fire!"
> "Unable to sir.
Tom: How exactly does one "sir?"
> Interferince from the Kalthows shield
>fluctuations is making lock impossable."
Mike: [singing] To lock the impossible lock...
> "Sir they are fireing!"
> "Fire phasers at the Poltar ship!"
Tom: What a brilliant tactical move!
> "But sir we are unable
Crow: To tell who is saying what.
> to lock on..."
> "Take a good guess mister Worf!"
Tom: The Boer War? Tristram Shandy? PV=NRT? Pass!
> The Poltar ship phased in. The blind Kalthow just sat there.
>Then in a blinding fury
Mike: Hey, the ship's already blind. You don't have to rub it in.
> the Poltar released its full arsonal
>unmercifly. The explosions threw the Kalthow like a rag toy.
Crow: Raggedy Ann! No!
> The
>final jolt threw it into the Enterprises weapons ment for the
>Poltar ship. The accedental
Tom: Tourist.
> shot ripped through the Kalthow
>engineering section.
Crow: [Worf] Oops.
> The matter/anti-matter chamber exploded like
>a small nova.
Mike: Suddenly it's "one shot-one kill."
Tom: At least when he's court-martialled, Worf can blame it on
Picard.
> The Poltar ship turned into the night
Crow: NO NIGHT! NO NIGHT! VOLLEY VOLLEY VOLLEY! HA HA HA HA HA!!
Mike: [grabbing him] Crow! Are you all right?
Crow: I'm not quite dead. I'm getting better. [breathes deeply a
few times] Sorry Mike, I had to let it out. I'm better now.
Mike: [unsure] I hope so.
> on a direct
>course for the Headquarters station. The trailing engine lights
>followed the ship in a mad chase to cath up.
Tom: [lisping] They're catching up! Inconthevible!
> "Sir the Poltar ship is on a direct course with the
>Resistance fleet."
Crow: They're heading for the next action sequence.
> "Alert the fleet."
> "I am unable, captain. The radiation from the Kalthow's
>explosion is preventing transmission."
Mike: Was that supposed to be technobabble?
Crow: If it was, then I *really* hate this fanfic.
> "Must be why they're in such a hurry. Going to send their
>message in person."
Mike: It's a singing telegram.
> "Agreed mister LaForge."
> No one had even noticed his arival on the bridge.
Tom: Or the ticking package he was holding.
> But the
>conversation flowed so evenly to include him.
Mike: So then that dickweed Geordi says--oh, hi there. We were
just talking about you.
> "Well mister LaForge, let's see just how well the new speed
>holds out.
Crow: What do you do? Shoot the captain.
> Maximum warp after the Poltar ship. They must not
>reach their destination."
Tom: See to it that Mr. Poltar has a nasty accident, if you know
what I mean.
> "Aye, sir ready to engage warp drive."
Crow: Have you reduced the psychological distance between you two?
> "Mister Data, engage."
> The crew could almost feel the ship
Mike: Seeing how they're in contact with it...
> as it lunged forward;
>reaching speeds that had previously been thought impossable.
Tom: Velocities exceeding the speed of light.
>Stars streeked past. The g-forces that couldent be adjusted for
>by normal systems sucked
Crow: [Beavis] Heh, heh, gravity sucks!
Mike: Never do that again.
> the crew into there seats. For the
>briefest of moments it reminded Picard of the old Earth roller
>coasters.
Tom: Then the acceleration crushed his fragile body and everybody
died. The end.
Mike: You just might be over doing that, Tom.
>
> "Sir, we are no able to transmit a message to the fleet."
> "Do so, mister Data."
Crow: [Data] But I just said that we can't.
> "Distance to Poltar ship?"
> "About 500,000 kilometers. And they are pulling away."
Tom: Even if they're only traveling at warp 1, they're only 1.67
seconds behind the other ship. They're practically tailgating!
> "What's our speed?"
> "Now reading warp 13.25."
Tom: I'm just waiting for the Poltar ship to hit its brakes.
Crow: Hey! Earlier they said they could only go warp 13.
Mike: You're complaining about continuity this late into the post?
> "Time to fleet?"
> "About 2 hour 12 minutes."
> The Enterprise ran headlong into
Tom: A star. The end.
> the unknown. Time ticked by.
>A combination of antisipation and fear
Mike: Picard: the fragrance of command.
> filled the ship. Picard
>sat in
Tom: Dr. Crusher's lap.
> his command chair. His eyes stareing into the screen;
Crow: [Picard] Man, I love Seinfeld.
>watching the stars fly by. His fingers tapped out the slow rythem
>of his heart beat.
Tom: Tap...tap...tap...tap...tap...
Crow: [Worf] STOP THAT INFERNAL TAPPING!!
> Then a dot appeared. It was small, almost
>unseen. As they got closer it became larger.
Mike: Thank goodness the law of perspective still works in the
future.
> This small dot in
>the middle of space,
Mike: This realm, this England.
> just sitting there, slowly nudged the bridge
>crew out of their state of
Tom: Confusion.
> daydreaming that the stars haad placed
>them in. Then like a waterfall the activity level shot up.
Crow: But waterfalls go down.
Mike: I can only guess at what he meant with that last simile.
> "Sir now reading an object dead ahead."
Tom: "Dead" being the operative word here.
> "Identify it please mister Data."
Crow: [Data] I'll call it George, and I'll love it and hug it...
> "It would appear to be one of the resisstance fleet's ships."
> "Life signs?"
Crow: [Groucho] Either this ship is dead, or my chronometer has
stopped.
> "None."
> "Sir," said Worf, "I am now reading
Mike: Thank you, Levar Burton, for opening up a new world of
adventure for me.
> several more ships and
>debrey. And I am also reading several destroied Poltar ships in
>the area."
Tom: They've entered the Secret Starship Burial Grounds.
> "Slow to warp 3."
> "Aye sir, warp 3."
> "How far are we from the Poltar headquarters?"
> "We are 4.35 parsecs away."
Tom: Now, are warp speeds logarithmic or linear?
Mike: I don't know. Why?
Tom: Because if it's linear (i.e. warp 3=3c), 4.35 parsecs at warp
13 would take about a year to travel, and if it's logarithmic, it
would take 4.48x10^(-5) or 8.49x10^(-94) seconds to get there,
depending on whether you use factors of ten (warp 3=c*10^3) or of
the speed of light (warp 3=c^3) respectively.
Crow: Once again, math rears its ugly head.
> "Alert the fleet tell them we are on our way."
Crow: Mike, what's deja vu?
Mike: It's the feeling that you've seen or done something before.
> "Aye sir."
> "Resume course and speed."
Mike: Stop. Now speed up again. Stop! Speed up! Again!
>
> The Enterprise slid away from the broken ships. A cold draft
Crow: Was passed around.
Mike: [Worf] I juss wanna say that I love you guyss.
Tom: Booze. Seek out and explore it.
>sweeped through the battle bridge.
Tom: The Enterprise had developed a hull breach. Everybody was
sucked into the empty vacuum of space where they died. The end.
> The draft was so soft that
>even Data seemed to shiver just the slightest bit.
Crow: Maybe he just remembered seeing Patrick Stewart naked in the
dressing room.
Tom: That was an image I could have gone my whole life without
bringing up.
>
> As if breaking into a crowded room the Enterprise was
Mike: Stared at by the other ships, and self-consciously wondered
if it's fly was open.
>suddenly surounded by all sorts of ships. Like a crowded night at
>a disco,
Crow: Ah, Demetrius Pietz, master of imagery.
> ships danced around one another, lights filled the sky.
>For a brief moment it looked like a New Years Eve party.
Tom: Except that there weren't any people, phaser fire was
everywhere, and it was all set against the empty background of
outer space.
> Then a
>hit shock the Enterprise.
Mike: Or a shock hit the Enterprise. I forget which.
> "Mister Data, full power to shields. Mistar Worf, target the
>nearist Poltar ship, fire when ready.
Tom: [Worf] I have to go the bathroom first. Then I'll be ready.
> Helmsman, bring us around
>to 735 mark 8."
Mike: Jennifer 8
Tom: Butterfield 8
Crow: Henry VIII
Mike and Tom: Huh?
> The Enterprise swung into the fray like a car into L.A. rush
>hour.
Crow: In other words, it sat there for an hour and a half in the
same place.
> They came in below and behind a Poltar ship. Worf's fingers
>flew over
Tom: Deanna.
> the control pad. Phasers lept from the Enterprise and
>sliced the ship like a roast.
Mike: Who wants to carve?
Bots: I do! I do!
> Worf reaimed and fired again at
>another ship. This one was lucky and survived the hit,
Tom: This one went wee-wee-wee all the way home.
> but not
>before surendering the upper levels of the hull. It was like
>shooting ducks in a barrel.
Crow: It was like mixing your metaphors.
> A Poltar phaser rippled over the
>Enterprise's shields. Well maybe not, these ducks shot back.
Mike: Daffy and Donald: Out for Justice.
> "Sir shields are at 89% and dropping."
> "Understood LaForge. Divert power from everywhere needed.
Tom: Take it away from all the essential systems.
>Shut down all unused sections."
> "Sir two Poltar gunboats have dropped in behind us."
Mike: They're the Merrimack and the Monitor.
> "Bring us around to 635 mark 3, increase speed."
Crow: Just what kind of coordinate system is this guy using?
Cylindrical? Spherical? Cartesian space with fixed origin? What?
Mike: Probably just good, old, making up numbers.
> "They are following and closing.", said Worf as he lauched a
>few photons aft, keeping the main phasers trained
Tom: Heel phasers! Roll over! Good weapons.
> on the ships
>before them."
> "Mister Data, readings on that damaged freighter."
Crow: The damaged freighter
Fell victim to the Poltar.
Bang! It is no more.
Mike: That was Crow T. Robot reading his "Haiku for a Damaged
Freighter."
> "Readings indicate a cargo of tri-nethaltien, an old style
>solid perpelent used by the Klingons.
Mike: It's the U.S.S. Plot Device.
> No life signs."
> "Mister Worf target that freighter. Fire a single photon
Crow: Any particular wavelength, sir?
> to
>timed detonation when the gunboats pass it."
Mike: And they will pass it. Count on it.
Tom: But how does Worf know how long to set the timer?
Mike: Uh...
> "Aye sir, torpedo away."
> The lone torpedo sailed from the ship. It slowed and dove at
>the freighter.
Tom: The torpedo made its way to the freighter, fertilizing it,
and starting the chain of life over again.
> Then seconds later the Poltar ship flew over the
>freighter.
Mike: Over? Which direction is "up" in space?
Tom: The top of the TV screen.
> The torpedo detonated. The fireball consumed the two
>gunboats. The shock wave rocked the Enterprise.
Crow: See above.
> Then as the wave
>disapated another explosion hit the ship."
Tom: Wait, someone was talking there?
> "Mister Worf, damage report."
Mike: Look! He spelled damage correctly!
All: [cheers and applause]
> "Comeing in sir. Decks three through nine report damage to
>the outer and inner hulls. Hull breach reported on decks five and
>nine.
Tom: [singing] Breaching nine to five, what a way to make a
living...
> Shields are at 27% and falling."
> "Decompress decks five and nine. Move all personel to the
>inner
Mike: Ear. Reroute power through the stapes.
> decks. Divert all power except for life support to forward
>shields."
Crow: *All* power?
> "Aye sir."
> "Bring us with in 300 kilometers of the base."
Crow: But you just had me divert engine power to the shields.
> "But sir at that range we will be unable to withstand the
>bases firepower."
Tom: Yeah, it'll only be an entire state away.
> "Understood mister Data, just do it."
Mike: Life is short. Die hard.
> "Aye, sir 250 kilometers and closeing."
> The Enterprise inched forwards.
Crow: Tom...
Tom: Thank you, Crow. At one inch per second, 250 kilometers would
take almost four months to traverse.
Mike: You guys are being way too anal retentive about this.
> The base, not seeing the
>Enterprise as any threat shot only pop shots at it.
Tom: Let's see...there's a massive Galaxy class starship which is
far more immense than anything the Resistance has got. I guess
it's not a threat.
> The few
>phaser strikes weakend the forward shield.
> "We are now within 300 kilometers of the base, sir."
Crow: You're here, but the Poltar have the travelers checks there.
> "Good. Full power to all phasers, lauch full volly of photon
>torpedos in consert with
Mike: The Three Tenors.
> anti-matter spread. Prepare to evacuate
>ship."
[Concluded in part 8]